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Quantum and Qrew hook up with some aliens who are holding Snow White in their cargo hold. Trip takes one look at her and starts to sing all extra high notey but that might be because his Tick Underoos are too tight -- hard to say, but we do get a close-up later on, so I'll double check. Snow White gets released from her stasis chamber and she and Trip run away together, hoping her evil step-mother (in the form of Alien of the Week) doesn't follow them into the woods with her cane and warty nose. T'Pol breaks out some mahogony Vulcan finery so she and Quantum can play Good Cop, Bad C'op in the Mess with the alien they are holding captive. Reed's got some good face time but the other two are fairly low on this weeks' billing. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
I want to sincerely thank Cindy from Hawaii for my Prince "Greatest Hits and B-Sides" CD -- I love it and I have been wanting it for the longest time. You're awesome! 'Tis the season for additional shout-outs. Much love to Sobell for her help on my laptop selection since my Flaming 5300cs finally gave up the ghost. I can't believe I'm finally getting a brand new computer -- I've never had one of those before! Vegas was a blast with all the recappers, but there are so many I wish I could have hung out with more like Jessica, Heathen, Kim, Wing Chun and Sars -- especially because I've thought of so many more uncomplicated vegetarian recipes to give to the newly Crowned Queen of the Carrots. Also? time we do "The Experience," Quark's bar better damn well be open -- I want me some Romulan ale and Saurian brandy! "Private party," my ass.
Of course, I come home to this mother-tucking crap. Waaaay too many episodes already out there like this one -- "Elaan of Troyius," "The Perfect Mate" -- the mind BOGGLES at the fact that I find myself writing the same complaint over and over, week after week, but here I go again: they pay their writers a gad-ZILLION dollars to recycle old storylines with worse actors and lines that are ONE STEP AWAY FROM See Jane Run! I know Joss's quippy little badinages have been done all over the various networks, but really, since he's not doing much else these days, can't he give these writers a lesson in dialogue?
Trip corn-pones in his quarters on a zippity-doo-dah harmonica. That's right, they gave him a har-mon-i-ca. Well, the very least I can say is, they haven't done that on Firefly. As Little Trippy Tucker blows for his supper, the ship drops out of warp, and Trip looks out his window to see a foreign ship out the starboard side. Before our resident stereotypical hick can segue into "Dueling Banjos," Quantum comms him to exposit that he knows Trip's on his day off -- of course; couldn't we tell that from the spurs up on the desk and the mint julep canister lying empty on its side? -- but he would like his assistance with some new friends who need a few repairs.
You know, it's gotten to the point where I'm like Geordi in "The Mind's Eye" -- I'm immune to the carnage. I realized this when I was watching tonight and Mathra came running in from the room demanding, "What are you DOING?" because I was just letting the theme song play on.
Trip joins T'Pol and Quantum in the corridor and gets the low-down dirty that some Retellian cargo pilots are having issues with their life support systems. Quantum punches up some buttons on the hatch, and T'Pol says, "The seal is secure." Okay, that was weird. Wonder why they chose that time, of all times, for her to say that. And I'm not being cagey, either, because nothing mysterious happens later in relation to that. I'm just saying, they've been in the same position many times and I don't recall anyone making a point of stating that the seal is secure. Two aliens hang back in their ship as Quantum steps forward to welcome them. They make with the greetings and salutations; one of the aliens even bows to Trip calling him, "Our salvation." That's one word I would NEVER use to describe the Chief Engineer. Trip wants to get right to business, so the other alien explains, "We were hired to return a young woman to her homeworld. A few days ago her stasis pod started to malfunction." Quantum wonders at the word "stasis" and asks if she's injured, but the alien smoothly assures him that it's just such a long journey to her homeworld, she might as well nap. Is she in a floating, glowing egg? "We have another five months ahead of us. If she wakes up, there won't be enough food, air to breathe," the other alien explains rather desperately, "If we're forced to abort the mission, we won't get [he gets a warning look from his superior officer] paid." Quantum's Furrow Sense tingles at him, but he decides to ignore it. T'Pol assures the aliens about how "resourceful" Trip is, and Trip walks off with the nervous alien.
"You've been very accommodating -- if it's not too much trouble, I'd like to make another request. It's been a long time since we've enjoyed the luxury [strange but funny dramatic pause] of a bath," the alien suggests. He kind of sounds like the actor that played Sir Guy of Gisborne in Robin Hood: Prince of Fake Accents, which means that he also sounds like one of the bald stars in Nemesis. No, not Patrick Stewart -- all the other ones. Quantum understands -- does he, though? What if, on this guy's homeworld, a "bath" is something completely different. Like "Fennel Cleansing and Abdominal Release"? Or maybe it means mating with the nonexistent pilot, should there happen to be one on board, whose name, if he had one, would start with an M? -- and tells T'Pol to make their guest comfortable while he discusses a special menu with Chef. The way Quantum lords his relationship with Chef over everyone, you'd think he was Mrs. Danvers. Hygiene Alien follows T'Pol as Quantum grins and looks down at the hand he used to greet the aliens. Because it's...dirty?
Alien Cargo Hold. Nervous Alien explains some stuff to Trip, who looks around and says that the alien lingo on various controls would be easier if he got Hoshi to do his homework for him. Nervous Alien doesn't have a problem with that, and Trip leans over the stasis pod. He clears off some ice on the exterior, which just happens to be over the exact location of the lovely podling's face rather than, say, her knees or midsection. As Trip gazes down on her, Nervous Alien asks if there's a problem, but Trip gets his hormones in check -- they'll come in handy later -- and tells Nervous Alien that he just needs some tools from his ship to get started.
Quantum sits at his computer in his Ready Room. He's on TWoP again -- does he ever do any work? Hygiene Alien rings and enters. "Look, he's so clean now -- even his Steven Segal ponytail is back in place," Mathra observes. Quantum welcomes him, and they chat about this and that. Quantum is interested in seeing the world they're taking Pod Chick to, and offers to tow them along since the alien ship can only go warp two-point-two. Hygiene Alien makes lots of excuses as to why that's not a good idea, and Quantum sets his stubborn jaw to argue until Hygiene Alien says, "But I will accept your offer of a meal -- if it's not too late." That was smooth. Quantum grudgingly gets up and grudgingly gives him the "after you" gesture in a grudging way.
Hoshi finds Trip in the alien cargo bay and hands over her translation on an e-pad, "give or take an adverb." And I'm sure there are a lot of those on the stasis chamber. Hoshi gazes down on Pod Chick and comments, "At least you don't have to work alone." Trip comments, "It's a helluva way to travel." Hoshi wants to know if he knows anything about her, but Trip only has some sketchy details from Nervous Alien about her studying medicine. "A doctor?" Hoshi asks. "I suppose so -- she must have a real passion for it if she's willing to go through all this," Trip muses. All what? She's sleeping -- it's not like that's taxing or anything. I wish to god I could travel door-to-door that way. I'm sure Sars does too, especially after her latest airline adventure. ["You have no idea. The Couch Baron and I drafted a very long letter to NASA demanding that they get cracking on teleporter technology ASAP." -- Sars] Trip continues to goggle at her and comments that it's a shame they won't get to meet her. "It's not polite to stare, Commander," Hoshi tweaks him. Trip comes back to himself and demands, "Whas that supposed to meen?" Hoshi just grins and leaves, telling him to contact her if he has any issues. People out there who thought Hoshi acted jealous? She so did NOT -- she teased him gently, smiled, and left. I fail to see any jealousy in that behavior, so stop reaching, people! Trip says to himself, "I wuzzint stair-rin'," and gets back to work until he hears some mysterious thumping. Turns out Pod White got the apple knocked out of her windpipe a little early and is now impatient to get out and meet her Prince Charmin'. She seems to be yelling in another language, "I AM FOR YOU, TRIP OF FLORIDA!"
Captain's Mess. Hygiene Alien's beeper alerts him that all is not well. He dashes off, refusing T'Pol's offer to show him the way or to take him tonight to the river and wash his allusions away. In the alien cargo hold, Trip fights to open the pod as Pod White pounds and screams. She's got one BIG mouth -- sheer circumference-wise, not noise-level-wise. Hygiene Alien demands to know what he's doing, and Trip yells that she's suffocating. She'd have a lot more oxygen if she'd stop yelling. Finally, Trip gets the pod open, and we can see that Pod White is interested in a little bondage with her Prince Charming. That is, her wrists are bound in shackles. Trip helps her sit up and tries to explain what went wrong with her pod, but she swears at him in alienish. Hygiene Alien sneaks behind Trip and knocks him over the cosh with something heavy. You know, I can't believe how far this show has worked its way into my shell -- irritating every layer of my sensitive skin in the hopes of producing a pearl. I'm telling you, all it's going to produce is a boil. This week, I was watching The Four Musketeers and when Athos called out "Porthos!" all I could think of was The Dog. It's even ruining my classics!
Captain's Private Dining Room. Nervous Alien tries to shovel some spaghetti into his mouth, but is startled by his beeper going off. Nervous Alien turns away from the table and answers it. Hygiene Alien tells him there's a "minor problem" with which he's going to need Nervous Alien's assistance. T'Pol and Quantum look at each other, and Hygiene Alien jumps up from the table, saying, "I don't mean to be rude..." He runs out. Was it the fish? Quantum decides to contact Trip, but can't reach him, so he orders a security detail.
Nervous Alien is walking along the corridors when Reed intercepts him casually with a very large ensign at his side. Reed calmly introduces himself and tells him that Quantum asked him to escort the alien back to his ship. Nervous Alien protests that it's not necessary, but Reed tells him he's under orders. "Have I done something wrong?" Nervous Alien asks. "It's just a precaution," Reed tells him. Now, if you'll just step this way and take off your shoes -- are you wearing a belt? Can you undo the buckle, please? Nervous Alien snarks, "I never realized that leaving the Captain's table would cause so much concern!" Well, you know, Chef's sensitive -- right now, he's threatening never to make eggs again unless the alien cleans his plate of specially sauced Foreigner Fettuccini. Hygiene Alien steps out of his ship to greet Nervous Alien, sees the accompanying security detail, and fires at them. Reed and Big Guy return fire; Hygiene Alien runs back to his ship, closes the door, and undocks from Enterprise. I really liked Reed in this scene -- I thought the whole "Why don't you come with me, sir, and we'll talk it all out" tone of voice, as well as his well-timed interception of the alien, was smooth and quite comedic.
Enterprise pursues the alien ship. T'Pol and Quantum step onto the Bridge; Quantum orders May-I've-Got-An-Audition-On-Twilight Zone-Do-You-Think-That's-A-Good-Sign to hail them. It doesn't work. Reed fires at them and thinks he hit the port nacelle. The alien ship drops out of warp. Enterprise approaches the alien vessel, and Quantum looks up in time to see the alien ship farting yellow gasses in their faces. It's like a Bond car! T'Pol analyzes them as "-ites" and "-ions" as the alien ship speeds up to warp. Apparently, they were faking the hit their nacelle took, and Enterprise can't follow, because the alien ship's spooge screwed up the warp engine. The alien ship warps too far out of sensor range to be tracked. Why are your sensors so short-range, Grandmother? The better to SUCK with, my child.
Alien ship. Trip comes to just in time for Pod White to slap him lightly with a long hammer and shout at him in alien. Trip tells her to cool off and tries to explain, in English, that he's not working "for them." Regardless, Pod White decides to keep telling him that she's going to rip his ears off and sneeze in his eye sockets. With words and wild gesticulations, Trip encourages Pod White to drop her weapon so that he can untie her. She seems to understand this, and complies. At this point, Hygiene Alien comes in with a gun and threatens Trip that he better fix the stasis chamber and stuff the yammering Pod White back in there, or else. Trip learns that his ship and Cap'n are in a galaxy far, far away, and Hygiene Alien leaves him to his task. Trip unties Pod White's wrists, and she seems to thank him in alienish. "Yer welcome?" Trip says, and looks for his UT. They find it, and finally Pod White's speech becomes understandable for the viewing public. More's the pity, for, as the forty minutes will show, she was a much better actress when we didn't know what she was saying. Have I mentioned what Pod White is wearing? No? Well, she's wearing a halter-necked, long pink dress -- with all the usually glittery qualities -- bordered in two inches of silver glittery band. Her hair is up -- which only means they've come up with some reason for it to tumble down later -- and festooned with lots of Swarovski crystal pins. In other words, she doesn't look like any doctor I've ever known.
Pod White demands to know how long she's been in stasis, but Trip doesn't have an answer for her. When Trip tries to comm Quantum, Pod White divines that he's an officer. "Chief Engineer," Trip agrees, and comments that they've gone to warp. "WHAT do you KNOW of my ABDUCTORS?" Pod White whines. Man, does she stink up the airwaves, or what? Her delivery is pure Cinemax. Cinemax late, late at night, if you catch my continental drift. Pod White wants to know what Trip knows about her captors, but Trip only knows that they were tricked into believing the aliens were cargo pilots. "I am their PRISONER. I was re-TURNING from a DIP-lomatic MISSION when they ATTACKED my TRANS-port, MUR-dered my GUARDS," Pod White says. Was she on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan? Then she shouldn't act so surprised, since she wasn't on any mercy mission. Sorry -- thoughts of better days direct my fingers. "You DON'T know WHO I am, DO you?" Pod White demands. I do know that someone mislead you into believing they were casting a part thirty-five years ago, opposite Shatner. Trip plays dumb. It's too easy for him. "My FAM-ily is KNOWN on MILL-ions of WORLDS," Pod White informs him. Trip shrugs that Earth isn't on their subscription list: "So I take it yer not a doctor." "I AM FIRST MON-arch of the SOV-ereign Dy-NASTY of Krios PRIME," Pod White recites. Here's a little fun fact to know: "Krios" is the name of the planet Kamala comes from in "The Perfect Mate." Was that intentional? Trip tells her his less impressive name, and asks what the aliens are after. Of course, since this show can't come up with anything more interesting, they're just after a measly ransom. Why couldn't they come up with something like her abductors being after her toenails, which serve as embryonic pods for their species? Trip thinks they only have to find a way off the ship so that Quantum can find them. "And HOW do you PROPOSE we DO that?" Pod White asks. I mentioned before what a large mouth she has, but it's just so evident when she delivers her lines that someone once told her lots of extreme jaw movement makes for good acting. Trip think she saw sh'pods somewhere. "You ARE not to LEAVE this CHAMBER," Pod White orders. Trip looks at her and says, "With all due respect, I'm not one of your subjects." No, he's quite correct -- he's not one of her subjects. He's one of her predicates. Pod White tries to pull more rank, but Trip's all, "Stay here and order yer damn self around, then!" so she stops jawing.
Enterprise. Quantum and T'Pol interrogate Nervous Alien, but don't get anything out of him. Not even a warp signature of his ship. Nervous Alien indicates that he's annoyed with his partner for ditching him and would be happy to help Quantum and Qrew out any way he can, but he doesn't know anything about warp engines or navigation. Quantum sets his jaw and orders T'Pol to secure him in the airlock and post a guard. "We'll keep the outer hatch unlocked. If you decide to leave, you know the way out!" Quantum furrows. "Okay, Mal!" Mathra snaps. I just noticed that the ribbon around T'Pol's "waist" is directly under her dinners -- she's got a Jane Austen Empire waistline! It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single Vulcan in possession of good logic must be in search of her emotional side.
Alien Ship. Trip fiddles with stuff, and Pod White makes herself less than useful. She struts around, hands on hips, elbows flung widely akimbo. From our Trip vantage point on the ground, she looks really awkward. "You must be one helluva diplomat," Trip comments. "Is your ENTIRE species so ILL-mannered?" Pod White demands. "Nope, just me," Trip tells her. Pod White tosses her head and argues with Trip about his plan. The lack of sexual tension -- despite all their carping back and forth -- is as painful as watching her toss her head and roll her eyes with every line. She's so BAD! I mean, she is just such a terrible actress, I can't even do justice to her lousiness. After some stupid posturing on her side -- which makes Trinneer's posturing look amazing in comparison -- she finally decides to accompany Trip in the escape pod. Good thing. I was getting worried that he might have to leave her behind. Wouldn't that be a tragedy, though? Trip technobabbles that he's going to do something to the alien sensors so that he'll be long gone before they discover his absence. In the crawlspaces, Pod White complains and tells Trip her name is Kaitaama. They reach the end of the crawlspace; Trip gets out first, and after some hesitation, Pod White jumps into his arms. They share a moment of physical non-attraction, brought on by their faces being close to one another. Vomit.
After Trip opens the sh'pod door, Pod White complains it's only meant for one person. "We'll have to make do -- unless you know how to fly one of these things," Trip hints. For some reason, Pod White's dress hampers her entering the sh'pod in a way it didn't hamper her crawling though the ship's innards. She remedies this by tearing a length of it off, all around. She could have just torn two slits, in my opinion. "Yeah, who does she think she is? Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies?" Mathra wonders. Pod White slides in backwards, affording Trip a nice crotch shot, no doubt. Trip gets in after her. We get a view of the extremely tight quarters -- in such a space, one might accidentally have sex with someone just by turning your head -- and the sh'pod launches away from the alien mother ship. They have some initial turbulence, but then they reach their cruising altitude of x light-years and all levels off. Pod White demands to know what he proposes they do now. "To be honest, I haddint rilly thought about it," Trip says, picking up his UT. "I ASSUMED you had a PLAN!" Pod White whines. Trip tells her he was kidding: "They DO have a sense of humor where you come from?" "Among the commoners," Pod White tosses her head. Trip looks at her. "ON-ly JOK-ing," she tells him. Trip grunts and says that, sooner or later, the alien ship will notice that they're missing and come looking for them, so they need a place to hide. "WHERE?" Pod White asks. Trip knows of a little out-of-the-way system not too far from them. "WHAT makes you THINK any of those PLANETS are HAB-itable?" Pod White demands. Trip says there's only one way to find out, and asks "[Her] Sovereignty's" permission to set a course. Pod White curls her lip in distrust and says, "PRO-ceed."
Actually, you're all wrong -- I'm Emmitt Smith.
Alien sh'pod. Trip is trying to fix something as Pod White squirms. He tells her that his job would be easier if she would stop moving around. I am NOT touching that one. "You're TOUCHING me!" Pod White whines. "I'm afraid I don't have much choice," Trip says, one of Pod White's knees under his chin. Pod White tells him that it's inappropriate for the First Monarch to be touched. He touched her when he removed her handcuffs, and when he helped her down from the crawlspace -- what's her beef with it this time? This Pouty Princess and the Rough-Edged Ragamuffin grim fairy tale was better when it was a coked-up Carrie Fisher and a young, nubile Harrison Ford. Don't go there, Bermaga. Trip invites her to take a walk outside until he's done, and Pod White stagily narrows her eyes at him and pouts out her lips. She can't even give good dirty looks -- I can give good dirty looks! They do some more sniping at each other, desperately trying to pile up some sexual heat from scraps of limp lines and lukewarm acting. Trip finally tells her to shut up and orders her to lift her butt. "MY what?" Pod White shrills. "Your behind -- your rear end, I haven't checked that panel yet," Trip tells her. He hasn't checked her ass panel? That's a new one. Trip checks some devices under Pod White's seat and tells her she was a lot more pleasant in stasis. And a better actress. Trip finds the landing thrusters, and lectures Pod White about how long they might be out there, so they might try getting along. "My hand," is Pod White's response. "You're sitting on my HAND!" Trip rolls his eyes and gets up. He didn't notice there were five bony things under his cheeks? Pod White says she'll try to get along with him, and then rolls her eyes and sticks out her chin. God, she is just so horrifically bad, it makes me long for the days of Grown-Up Vicki on The Love Boat. And to make it worse, she's not even that pretty. Yes, she's got regular features, good skin (through make-up and a television filter), is skinny, and was a model, BUT I really think she's boring-looking. There's nothing exotic or bewitching about her -- she looks like a stretched-out Salma Hayek.
Enterprise. Reed and Random Security Detail enter a darkened room that looks suspiciously like the Mess Hall with all the tables removed. "The prisoner, sir, as ordered," Reed tells a shadowy figure. The shadowy figure steps away from his Weight Of The World Window -- currently dressed up as The Direful Dormer Of Imprisoned Intimidation -- and says, "Thank you." Quantum ominously dismisses Reed, who leaves Nervous Alien alone with the shadowy captain. This is a fairly funny scene, because Quantum's got the whole menacing thing down pretty well as he proceeds to question Nervous Alien. He even makes him sit down at a table that has a bright light shining up from it, like this is Law & Order: Space Aliens Unit. Quantum explains that where he's from, criminals are punished for their actions, and that the room they're in is where Nervous Alien's tribunal will take place. "Tribunal!" Slobodan Alienosovich jumps up. "I am not subject to your laws!" Quantum tells him, "That's not for me to decide." Slobodan Alienosovich sits down again.
Quantum explains that Starfleet asked the Vulcan High Command to put someone on their ship who is the judge of such matters, "someone who wouldn't be swayed by human emotion. Someone objective, logical." Quantum goes on that T'Pol has already reviewed the evidence, so Growing More Nervous By The Minute Alien's tribunal will only be a formality. "I thought you should be prepared," Quantum warns his prisoner. "Her punishments can be...severe." "How severe?" Nervous Alien swallows. "If you're late for your shift, you might receive a beating. But for more grievous offenses -- dereliction of duty, conduct unbecoming an officer...we started out with eighty-three crewmen on board, we're down to seventy-six," Quantum tells him impressively. I assume that one of the dearly departed is May-Expendable? The alien insists he's done nothing wrong, but Quantum begs to differ, running down his list of offenses, from accessory to kidnapping to damaging a Starfleet Vessel. "What damage?" Nervous Alien bleats. Quantum explains what the alien ship spooge did to their warp drive, and Nervous Alien insists he had nothing to do with that. "As I said, I'm not the one you have to convince," Quantum reminds him.
T'Pol enters. Good god, what is she made up as? She's all decked out in crimson robes of Vulcan finery. Quantum nudges Nervous Alien to stand up and bows to T'Pol. Nervous Alien quickly bows as well. Hee. Quantum greets her, and T'Pol asks if "the accused" has been made aware of his charges. "Yes, ma'am," Quantum whispers. T'Pol asks and calculates Nervous Alien's height and weight before inquiring if his people have any particular post-mortem rituals that they observe. Heh. "This is not fair -- I demand to speak to someone from my government!" Nervous Alien shouts desperately. "He's got a point," Quantum says deferentially. "We've never tried an alien before. Maybe we should contact the High Command." T'Pol tells Quantum that she's been granted full autonomy in her position and is not expected to go running back to the High Command with needless questions. Then T'Pol stalks out, announcing that the Tribunal will convene at eighteen-hundred hours. I just want to point out that in this scene, T'Pol asked about Nervous Alien's height, weight, and death rituals. She also stated that she has been given complete autonomy in her position on Enterprise and does not need to go running back to her superiors at every opportunity -- none of these things even approaches a lie. Not that I feel like arguing these points too much -- Bermaga are so slipshod with what canon they choose to follow that all the energy is quickly getting leeched out of me. "As you wish," Quantum says. Wait a minute -- did he just tell her he loved her?! Nervous Alien insists that Quantum, as captain, cannot allow his execution. Quantum sighs mightily and reveals that T'Pol owes him a few favors, but he can't promise anything. However, he will plead for leniency on Nervous Alien's behalf. Quantum: "Of course, I'd want something in return. We still haven't found a way to locate your vessel. If you could remember that warp frequency?" Nervous Alien mugs.
"Only the most boring people can have an animated and prolonged conversations about what Tums Quick Dissolve does to their bodies. What had they been talking about previously? What will they talk about ?" Mathra really wants to know.
Alien sh'pod. Pod White complains about being hungry, and Trip tells her to check the storage compartment above her head. "YOU do IT!" she orders him, petulantly. Trip mutters that he's busy, so Pod White starts rummaging in the compartment. "Eef you find some water up there, I culd use sum," Trip says. Pod White tosses a bag of water at him and struggles to open a plastic container of something. "Allow me," Trip offers, and passes over his water bag. Pod White takes the bag's straw with a look of disgust. "I'm not contagious," Trip tells her. No, of course you aren't. It's not like you've had random sex with every female alien tossed in your path. Besides, what's to say there's not something in your human physiology -- like any number of the pathogens Phlox has inject you with as inoculations -- that's harmful to her alien one? Just like Porthos and the Kreetassan atmosphere. Poor baby. Pod White disregards Trip's self-proclaimed clean bill of health and wipes the straw mouthpiece clean with her hand. Trip finally busts the plastic container open and pulls out some pieces of wrinkled brown things. Beef jerky time! "Is it edible?" Pod White inquires. Trip gnaws off a piece and tells her it depends on how hungry she is. Pod White takes a flavored chew toy of her own. Trip looks around the pod and says it reminds him of his first car. Let me guess -- he had sex in the backseat of it? Of course, Pod White doesn't know what a car is. Trip sketches out the general concept and comments that the only thing they're missing is the ocean breeze. "I used to drive out to a place called Chatkin Point...park along the shoreline and stare at the moon with mah gurl-fren," Trip reminisces. I'm sure it was more like he stared at his girlfriend's moon, but whatever. Pod White squirms a bit, and Trip assures her that he won't make a pass at her. Yeah, not yet -- we don't want to waste all this heady animalistic lust too soon.
Just in case Trip was tempted, Pod White tells him, "The SOV-ereign GUARD would CUT off one OF your HANDS." Trip tells her she's gotta be a whole lotta fun on a date. Of course, this is the obligatory scene where we find out that Pod White is an Ice Princess because she isn't allowed to interact with anyone other than her father's advisors. Or, put in Bermaga language, Trip needs to fun her up in a intercoursery way, since she's never gotten any before and it's obviously the reason for her Royal Uptightness. Gotta love Rick and Brannon for their unceasingly complimentary portrayal of women. Poor little rich girl -- Gloria ain't got nothin' on you! Just as Trip starts to feel sorry for her, Pod White puts her shields back up, because she revealed too much of her tortured, misunderstood, inner soul and tells Trip he should get back to work.
Alien sh'pod nears a planet. Pod White is a bit worried, because the whole planet appears to be water. "There's a chain of islands near the equator," Trip tells her. "WILL we be ABLE to BREEEATHE?" Pod White frets. Will you be able to aaaact? Trip lists gases. They will be able to breathe. worry on Pod White's mind is whether or not there are dangerous life forms on the planet, but Trip doesn't know how to use the bio-sensors. "ARE you CER-tain we HAVE the CORR-ect PLANET?" Pod White whines. Trip tells her it's the only one with a breathable atmosphere. "You may begin our descent," Pod White tells him. Gee, really? Trip hopes he gets the landing right as they plummet toward the planet and experience turbulence. A few things go wrong, and Pod White cries out, "MIS-ter TUCK-er!" Trip counts down the meters -- he thinks they're meters -- until the surface, and says that he thinks the braking thrusters are firing. "You might wanna grab hold of something," Trip tells her. Of course Pod White grabs hold of him. That's just stupid. The sh'pod slams into the ground. No parachutes or anything. Considering what their velocity looked like, I think they should be very flat by now. And very, very dead. Trip asks if Pod White is okay, and she asks what the hissing noise is. "Demmed if I know," Trip grunts, and reaches for the door. They get out and look around at the Degobah swamp they landed in.
So, there's fifteen minutes left -- is this where all the action's going to take place? That's so first-season TNG.
Devil's Bayou. Too bad there's no Madame Medusa and Snoops to blow this place wide open. Pod White and Trip hoof it through the rainforest, taking care not to fall over any bugs. Of course, this is just another cue for Pod White to play her JAP -- Jawing Alien Princess -- role as she whines and whimpers how "unbearable" their situation is. I agree -- if you were dead, the situation would be a lot more bearable. For the both of us. Trip comments that the heat is nothing compared to summer in the Everglades. Yes, you're from Florida -- you eat pan-fried pecan pie and slices of catfish, play a harmonica, have an orange juice river in your backyard, and all these things happen in Florida, WE GET IT ALREADY! God. "At least they're aren't any mo-skee-toes," Trip says, prompting me to say: "Florida mosquitoes are nuthin' compared to Minnesota mosquitoes, where it's the state bird!" Pod White stumbles and whines, "Where are we GO-ing?" Trip says, "Over there. It looks like a good place to set up camp." Pod White rolls her eyes and says Trip's ship will never find them. Does she mean ever? Or just because they're going "over there" to set up camp? Trip tells her not to underestimate Quantum. Yes, right now he's playing Good Cop, B'ad C'op with T'Pol in a heroic effort to save both of you. Pod White slogs through the water, and we can see she's taken off and is now carrying her Dyeables. Ew. I can just imagine all the nasty little creatures that are in that water, dying to burrow under their skins, lay eggs, hatch, feed on dermis, and only come out when a can of gasoline is dumped over them. I think I've read too many plane crash survival stories. As Trip moves branches around at their campsite, Pod White notices that Trip has a tear in the shoulder pad of his uniform. "YOU'RE blee-DING!" She announces, and orders him to remove his uniform. Trip says he'll deal with it later. "We have NO idea what MI-crobes live in THIS EN-vironment. It COULD become in-FECTED," Pod White argues.
Mathra: Oh, suddenly she knows all about microbes?
Keckler: Not in that role she doesn't. Plus? I've never heard of a cheaper device to get a character's shirt off. "Ew! You may die, now take your clothes off so we can have sex in a pathetic attempt to boost our asthmatic ratings."
Mathra: Okay -- I'm getting YOU another beer.
Keckler: Can we bring beer to Nemesis? I'm really scared we might need it. Desperately.
Trip continues to argue that it's not the right time in the script to have sex until Pod White puts it all into perspective for him: "You're my ON-ly hope of sur-VIVING here, Mr. Tucker I don't IN-tend to let you die." I really wish she would stop talking now. Trip takes off his shirt and lets Pod White put antiseptic on him. Interesting that when Connor Trinneer took off his shirt, it was a wide-angle shot, but then he tied his shirt around his waist -- thus hiding the bulk that appears to be there -- for the close-ups. Vanity, thy name is personal trainer. Pod White doesn't think their supplies will last them for longer than twenty-four hours. Trip looks around: "Sounds like there's plenty of wildlife -- I grew up in a place kinda like this." Okay, how MANY more times is he going to find a way to say that? I've amended last episode's recipe. This time, take out one-quarter teaspoon of Shut Up, Trip and replace it with five cups of SHUT UP, TRIP! Trip doesn't think they're going to starve; he had ideas for laying waste to the sh'pod and making it useful. Trip looks over his shoulder as Pod White patches it, and he thanks her. "YOU-'re wel-COME," Pod White says triumphantly. Oooo, go her -- she put a Band-Aid and silver cream on him, she's so liberated now.
Pod White slogs though the swamp water to toss some twigs at Trip's feet. "That's the best you culd do?" he asks. "THERE'S very LITTLE dry WOOD!" Pod White announces. Trip tells her to keep looking. Pod White pouts on a log. Trip wants to know if she's waiting for the dry wood fairy to come along, and Pod White tells him she's not his servant: "YOU'RE the one who was RAISED in a PRIM-itive env-I-ronment. YOU find the WOOD." Trip wants to know what exactly she's driving at, and Pod White insults his non-purple-pimperneled butt. I think it's the fact that it doesn't have the purple pimpernel that's the insulting part. Although she could be wrong -- there might be many things on his butt that could pass as a purple pimpernel, but nothing that a little balm won't clear up. I'm only ranting to cover up the fact that Trip just called himself "the king of the swamp." I guess it's better than Commander Pewp. Pod White throws a very limp right at Trip, he blocks it, they both end up in the water, back on shore she manages to expose lots of thigh, and they start making out. Much of the camera angle is from behind Pod White's head, so we get a full view of Trip's make-out face -- I'm telling you, folks, it's ain't pretty.
scene is a dying campfire -- they stopped to make a fire before having the sex? Last we heard, he didn't have any wood. I guess the point is, you can make a fire with any kind of wood -- with Trip in his Blue Tick underoos curled around Pod White. I always crack up at the idea that people on television put their clothes back on to cuddle after sex when they know they're going to have to get up suddenly to get the door, the phone, or avoid being shot. Trip gets up to pour out some boiling water, and Pod White turns over in her sleep. In this light, her dress no longer looks pink; it looks grey, and the fabric looks more like spandex jersey rather than whatever it was before. It's definitely a different dress, because there are no rips in this grey spandex jersey one -- why do they do that? Trip hears a beeping, which also rouses Pod White so that we can see her tumbled-down hair -- didn't I predict that? I just hope they found a safe place for all her Swarovski crystal bobby pins. Those things are expensive. I'll bet there were some major bets placed on the set to determine who was skinnier -- Jolene or Padma. Interesting that they don't ever appear in any scenes together. Now that her hair is down and the dress is hiked up to her Delaware, Pod White is definitely emitting a "me Jane, Trip Tarzan" quality which marries well with Trip's suddenly hairy chest. Was it waxed in earlier episodes? Trip locates the source of the beep on the hull of their escape pod, rips it out, and bashes it beepless. Must be a homing beacon. Pod White joins him and asks what the deal is, and Trip explains what I just said. Now I can see that the thing she's got on is actually a slip. So either we're supposed to believe she brought that in her overnight bag, or she was wearing it under her dress. I'm not totally sure of the first, but there is no way she was wearing it under her dress -- it's got spaghetti straps over her shoulders, and her dress was a halter-top that left her shoulders and most of her clavicle completely bare. It was the kind of dress that requires either stick-'em bra pasties or a really complicated contraption that I've never been able to figure out and therefore have stayed far away from dresses that might require it, because, well, I need the support in certain dinner areas. Okay, in ALL dinner areas. Trip doesn't think there's a way to tell if someone is tracking them now.
Somewhere in the bayou, one of the aliens of the week -- I guess we can assume it's Hygiene Alien, since Nervous Alien would be accompanied by Quantum and Qrew -- looks for the post-coital couple. He find the sh'pod and sees Pod White sitting just beyond it with a really fake-looking Trip dummy. Hygiene draws closer and takes aim. He fires at the dummy, which topples over, and its gourd-head falls off. Can I just say that the gourd is oft depicted in Southern literature or movies and found primarily in the South as well? In fact, my little sister collected American Girl dolls, and they all came with little accessories that befitted their time and place in American history -- Samantha was from 1904 and had a gold locket and a rose velvet purse, but Addy was an escaped slave from 1864, and she came with a drinking gourd. Pod White, holding a piece of beef jerky in her mouth, runs clumsily off. I think the director would have told her to drop the beef jerky entirely, since she should be afraid for her life and not concerned with keeping her hand attached to her mouth as though she were really afraid she would lose that particular piece of dried, stretched, and pounded animal carcass. What can I say? It's what stood out for me in that scene.
Hygiene Alien goes over to investigate the campsite, and Trip drops on him from out of a tree. They fight in the water. Trip gets in a few good punches before Hygiene Alien even manages to do anything, but none of them seem to do any damage. In fact, Hygiene Alien taunts Trip for his own lack of injury. Then Hygiene Alien throws Trip face-first into a log and holds him under the water. Spunky Pod White beats him over the head several times with a log until he's knocked unconscious into the water. With Pod White's help, Trip hauls himself out of the water and looks down at Hygiene. "LEAVE him," Pod White orders. "I want you to leave -- I want you to leave here now!" Mathra giggles. Trip gives Pod White A Look and hauls Hygiene out of the water. I guess that's to show us how much less civilized a species Pod White is? Speaking of her being alien and looking nothing like it, save for a few Trill-like freckles on her hairline, how did they know they could even have sex? Why isn't her nose or her thumb considered her genitalia? Ew, now I've grossed myself way out the door. But seriously? I'm so frickin' sick of these aliens being anatomically compliant with humans! As Trip crouches in the water, rummaging for Hygiene's weapon, Pod White blands that she hears someone else. We see Quantum, T'Pol, and Nervous Alien creeping stealthily through the brush. Why is the music so ominous? We KNOW it's the "good guys"! Quantum calls out, "Trip?" from behind Pod White and Trip. Trip whips around -- the look on his face is pretty funny because of how slack-jawed yokel-y he looks -- and sees T'Pol, Quantum, and Reed looking at him. "This a bad time?" Quantum asks. M, you are not. His lines were always more suggestive and clever. Even Q's could be -- like in Moonraker, when Bond's all tangled up in Lois Chiles in the space shuttle, Q says, "I think he's attempting re-entry!" Trip sighs, caught with his pants down again.
Enterprise. Quantum has a dear diary moment on September 12, 2152 (odd day of the month to choose to have a specific entry, since he doesn't ordinarily give the date of his Live Journals), where he tells us that a Krios battle cruiser met up with them and took the two alien kidnappers into custody. Trip walks the halls with a Starfleet jumpsuited Pod White. "So, when do you ascend?" he asks. Graduation Day. "Two hundred and forty-six days," Pod White tells him. If she's wearing a regulation jumpsuit, why doesn't she have a regulation undershirt on as well? I don't think it's quite Starfleet regulation to show that much cleavage, or else T'Pol would be wearing one. Trip thinks he might be able to come visit her before she turns into a snake and eats the principal, but he also doubts her family would approve of him seeing her. "I DOUBT they WOULD. But ONCE I've been MADE first MON-arch, I'll have the authority to change the rules," Pod White says. "Yeah, that's what every First Monarch claims -- 'I'm going to go and shake things up!' -- but they all still end up drinking tea with their pinkies out," Mathra raves. Anyway, tea-drinking hang-ups aside, she actually delivered that last part of her line fairly normally -- what made her Princess Roboto for the rest of the episode? "What kinda changes?" Trip duhs. "Come visit me," Pod White says, leaning into his shoulder and offering him her ear. "Perhaps you'll find out."
Trip masterfully controls himself -- Quantum probably told him they'd have cameras on him in case he got the urge to herbal and disrobe again -- and they pull back from one another without really ever touching cheeks, lips, or anything. He opens the air lock door, and Pod White steps on, tossing him a coquettish look. That's another of Trip's sex-of-the-weeks we'll never see again -- thank god -- but he certainly makes lots of promises to keep in touch with lots of women. Maybe he's a good pen pal. "Dear [insert alien chick's name]: Last week, Quantum and I had dinner, Phlox got a new pet, T'Pol acted like a Vulcan, and Mayweather and I played hide-and-seek. He's thinks I'm still counting to infinity. Gee, I miss you. A guy can get kinda lonely out in space, but last night Malcolm let me try on his Under A Cherry Moon shade from MAC. I really liked it. XOXOXO/FTFF, Trip."
I can't believe Bermaga are giving me ANOTHER episode week! Everyone else in her right mind has most of December off from their shows! I hate them. Alien Nazis take over the ship, and Quantum slurs that he'll destroy Enterprise. I wish I could believe it.