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Intent on disabling a mine that has attached itself to the hull, Reed is turned into cocktail food and stuck outside the ship. Quantum determines he doesn't know enough about the man on his ship who loves to blow things up and decides to join him. And distract him with his inane chatter about sports and hobbies. T'Pol and Trip sort of make themselves useful on the Bridge, when they have to deal with some mysterious visitors in green Birds of Prey, and May-waste gets an all-time high score in "Astrosmash." Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Three cheers for an original, non-derivative concept! Delicious effects, great tension in parts -- though I'm still annoyed they had the Romulans show up -- and the only thing that really got to me was the overly-ponderous conversations between Quantum and Reed, which killed off some of the tension they set up and replaced it with stagnating boredom. I could have lived with half that amount of Reed-Quantum bonding.
Reed walks stiffly through the common dining area. I'm not even going to tell you how many times Mathra and I rewound this scene, trying to catch what the extras were saying about the food. But it was three more than nine. We had an argument. It is clear that Extra One is saying to Extra Two, "You should try the [blah-blah] today, it's good." But we differ on what the "blah-blah" is. Mathra thinks it's "mushroom pancakes" and I think it's "freeze-dried ice cream." We seem to have a slight food obsession lately.
Reed rings the comm to the Captain's Private Dining Car, and Quantum tells him to come in. Lt. Stinky Bum is visibly sweating as he squares up his shoulders and walks in. time he visits Clinique to restock on "Black Honey" Almost Lipstick, he really should pick up a pack of those powdered blotting sheets. Reed enters and is faced with a standing captain, who bids him a good morning. "I wasn't sure what you wanted for breakfast so I took the liberty of having Chef prepare his famous Eggs Benedict," Quantum says. Ugh. More eggs. As Quantum sits down, Reed mutters his acceptance but remains standing. "You plan on eating...standing up?" Quantum inquires. Reed scuttles into his seat, and Quantum pours out some Tang. Quantum notices Reed's discomfiture and decides to add to it by commenting, "This isn't a visit to the principal's office, Malcolm. At ease." Do they even have principals in England? Aren't they called something else? Malcolm puts down the e-pad that was getting all sweaty in his death-grip and thanks his captain, adding, "I just wasn't sure whether you called me here to discuss something." Like that sock you keep to your bed? Quantum assures him he just wants to have a little informal chin-wag with the guy who was put on his ship to blow things up. A steward brings their plates. Isn't Eggs Benedict rather heavy on the day they're going to meet Romulans? Oh, wait, we're not supposed to know that yet. Hey, look -- it's the return of the Ultra-Cool Salt and Pepper Shakers! Seriously, will someone -- ANYONE -- tell me where they got those things? Quantum seasons his eggs and tells Reed that he heard England made it to the World Cup finals. Reed has absolutely no idea what his captain is yammering on about. Mathra does. "But 2151 is an odd-numbered year and the World Cup takes place every two years -- doesn't anyone fact check anymore?" Mathra blusters. Did I ever mention the Halloween Mathra went as David Beckham and made me go as Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham? I dyed the top-half of Mathra's hair blond. Since he can't reach his armory officer on a sports level, Quantum gives up. Reed tells him he's been working on the duty roster and offers to show it to him. I swear, how many times did Troi, Crusher, Data, or Riker incidentally mention that they had been working on duty rosters? Quantum sighs and asks, "Didn't your mother ever tell you not to bring your homework to the table?" What a way to set your obviously nervous officer at ease, rubber brow. "Sir?" Reed asks. Quantum gives up and gives the barest of glances to Reed's roster. "This looks fine," he comments. "Did you look at it, or did you Thesis Advisor-look at it?" Mathra wonders. T'Pol buzzes him from the Bridge and says they're about to run into an M-Class planet. Quantum -- much relieved he doesn't have to make small talk with Stinky Reed anymore -- thinks this is an important enough development to skip his and Reed's breakfasts and get the hell onto the Bridge. "Looks like we'll have to reschedule," Quantum stiffs. "Whenever it's convenient," Reed stammers and jumps to open the door for his captain. Quantum pauses. "After you, sir," Reed gestures. Quantum nods and leaves.
Bridge. T'Pol reports that there are volcanoes on the surface that might be interesting, and Quantum blows hard in a speechifying directorial to his crew about getting a shuttle prepped and going down to check things out. Thankfully, he's interrupted by an explosion that has everyone kissing metal. From outer space, we can see a large, smoldering bite taken out of the side of the saucer section. Nice effects. I don't know who this John Shiban is, but I get the feeling he's a really good writer. Don't you?
I want the whiney, whingey, Western theme song Firefly has -- can we swap, Shack?
Bridge. Chaos, smoke, wounded. T'Pol checks out an unconscious Hoshi and calls for medics, as Reed sketches out a structural damage report. He can't confirm whether there's a body count or not, though. Quantum orders him to find out what happened and dashes over to check on Hoshi, who's still down for the count. "Malcolm!" Quantum demands. "I'd give you an answer if I could, sir!" Malcolm says, almost tearfully, "The sensor logs aren't showing anything. All systems were functioning normally." Quantum calls Engineering, hoping for answers, but Trip doesn't know what's going on either. He does know that none of his people are seriously hurt, though. Back on the Bridge, Quantum asks Reed for casualty reports. "Seventeen so far, including Hoshi. No fatalities," Reed reports. "So, what? This is the ship where nobody ever dies!? Did they break a bottle of Chateau Font de Youth on it when they launched it?" Mathra shouts. Without a stretcher, medics drag Hoshi off the Bridge in a very unprofessional way. Good thing they know she doesn't have a spinal injury. Oh, wait, they don't!
Sickbay. Phlox checks people and gives orders. "What's happening? Are we under attack?" a nameless ensign mutters. Shut up, River. "Do you want to take your shoes off now?" Mathra squawks, also loving Shack these days. More wounded flood sickbay.
Bridge. May-yourdaysbemerryandbright tells Quantum that something just "struck" them, "Starboard side, upper-aft quadrant." Quantum wants a visual. The view screen reveals a flickering sphere. "Some kind of cloaked ship?" May-allyourchristmasesbewhite hazards. Quantum tells him to play again and says that the object is too small to be a ship. Unless it's for Weeble Wobbles. Seriously, who's to say that all space beasties have to be an average height of five-foot-ten? I think it looks like one of those see-though plastic balls for a hamster. Maybe Strega's chinchilla is more advanced than we think. As Quantum furrows at it, Reed determines that it's an armed mine, and something similar to it is likely to have blown the hole in their hull. "Can you tell if it's active?" Quantum asks. "No reason to believe it's not," Reed tells him. T'Pol technobabbles that the mine is in a really inconvenient place. Quantum furrows the Furrow of Not Really Knowing What the Hell He's Talking About as he tries to come up with a game plan. Reed contradicts him and tells him the only way to deal with the TNT Hamster Ball is for someone to go out there and manually diffuse it. "And it should be me -- I have the ordinance training," Reed comments. As far as I can make out through the depths of the Furrow of He's More a Man Than I Will Ever Be, Quantum appears to nod at him. Reed leaves. "I've never heard of a minefield with just two mines," Quantum tells T'Pol. "Are the quantum beacons still mounted on the grappler arm?" he asks May-what's-my-line and orders them to be put into position with the viewscreen modified to match. With much noise that you normally don't hear in space so this must mean it's really loud, the QUANTUM beacons are lowered. We see the underside of a planet, and T'Pol comments, "They were designed to penetrate Suliban cloaking devices." Quantum's brow gives her a look that clearly says, "AND?" T'Pol catches on and says, "I'll try shifting the phase variance." You know, I really, really think Bakula needs to learn to relax those over-aerobicized brows of his and indoctrinate other facial muscles into his acting technique, but I actually think that exchange between him and Blalock was not that bad. With each passing episode, Blalock is definitely catching the Spock more and more.
In an overly-involved scene -- considering this isn't the first, second, or even third time we've seen a member of the crew suit up in the EV suits -- Reed gets dressed and floats up to take a walk around the block. He comms the Bridge that he's on his way out, asking, "Wish me luck." Sadly? No one does. Nice Captain he's got there.
Bridge. T'Pol detects something in the technobabble located in the techno-point-babble-babble. Quantum looks at the viewscreen, and, one by one, a bunch of TNT Hamster Balls are uncloaked. It seems to be a field of mines. On the outer hull, Reed takes heavy steps toward his personal TNT Hamster Ball and sets his magnetized briefcase down. He reports back to the Bridge, "Its surface is pockmarked." Probably from spending too much time on the ER set. Reed examines the mine some more and reports that it has magnetic spikes that have locked onto the hull. "Stand by, I'm going to run an internal scan," Reed reports. Reed scans and reports, "It looks like the mine doesn't think it's hit anything." "I think that's how a lot of channel surfers feel as they pass by UPN," Mathra comments nastily. Reed says he's going to remove an access panel and look inside. Trip, looking like he's been Chim Chiminy Cheree-ing, steps onto the Bridge and tells him the damage is pretty bad. "I got wun peece of gewd news. Did a head count -- we dinnit lose anywun," Trip says. Quantum doesn't look as thrilled as he should when hearing this piece of gewd news. He confesses to Trip his lack of confidence in Reed's ability to disarm the Hamster Ball, and asks if they can just set that piece of hull plating free in space. Sure, then it can come back as some sort of self-aware space trash named E'rise. Did we learn nothing from that travesty? Trip technobabbles over this proposition and the end result is that they can do it, but it's really not advisable. Quantum orders him to get the team started on it and he'll consider it as a last ditch solution. Which means it's definitely going to happen in the last five minutes of the episode. Reed continues tinkering with the Hamster Ball and a green ship materializes. "Captain -- " Reed warns. "We see it, Malcolm," Quantum says, tacking on the Furrowed Brow of What a Revolting Development This Has Turned Out to Be.
I think I'm getting wimpy in my old age, because not only did the Reavers give me bad dreams for three nights, but Haunted is scaring me simply by showing commercials. Actually, it has nothing to do with old age -- I've always been a wimp.
"Ever see a ship like that?" Quantum asks T'Pol. She hasn't. Quantum wonders why their fancy-schmancy grappling-arm beacon didn't allow them to see through their cloak. "Perhaps the mines use a more primitive cloaking-system," T'Pol comments, clearly a bit bugged that he was stupid enough to ask a question that had an answer so obvious even May-who would have known it. The alien ship hails them, but because Hoshi's tongue isn't there to help them, it's all gibberish to them. I'm thinking that with their fancy cloaking device, the magical mystery ship is more advanced than they are, so if they sent a message back in English, their Universal Translator should be able to deal with it. Speaking of massive head injuries, Quantum comms Sickbay to find out if Hoshi's in any condition to return to her post. "I'm afraid not. She suffered a rather severe concussion," Phlox reports, measuring out powders. In the background, Hoshi struggles to sit up and says, "Tell him I'm on my way." Phlox tut-tuts her and makes her lie down again.
Bridge. T'Pol struggles to decipher what the mystery ship is saying, and May-waste reports that the ship is charging their weapons. Trip looks nervous. The ship fires, purposely missing Enterprise. May-waste tells the Bridge how close the shots came. "Not a very subtle warning shot," Quantum furrows. Another shot is fired, seeming to zip by Reed's head as he futzes with the mine. "Warning shots?" More like You Better Get Out of Our Face And Now shots. Quantum wants to know if May-waste can get them out of there. "The orbits of those mines are pretty erratic, sir," May-waste reports, transfixed by the viewscreen. "It's going to be tricky." "We'll give you whatever help we can," Quantum blurts out and scurries back to his chair. Weird choice by Bakula to deliver his line that way -- with such a raised and impatient voice. I would think that if you're about to have your out-of-practice chauffeur navigate through a minefield, soothing tones and lavender incense might be more the ticket than shouting at him. And what kind of "help" does he see the rest of the Bridge crew giving? Picking up pom-poms and jumping around? "Travis! Travis! He's our man! If he can't do it, it doesn't matter because no one knows who he is anyway!" Quantum comms Reed that they are going to break orbit to get away from the magical mystery ship. "Understood. If you plan to go to warp, sir, you'll let me know," Reed requests. Heh. "I'll try to remember," Quantum tells him. Ugh. They ruined a perfectly martini-dry Brit-line with Quantum's American meat-fished response. Quantum gives some orders to May-waste. "Aye, sir," May-waste acknowledges and pushes some buttons so a joystick moves closer to him. Nice touch. They activate the beacon so they can see all the mines in the field ahead of them and start to leave orbit. The trailing mystery ship shimmer-shudders out of sight. "Our friends just vanished," Reed reports. Is he just bored up there? He knows the Bridge can see what the ship is doing, so why does he feel the need to report on it? Quantum tells Reed, "That doesn't mean they're not still close." May-waste grips the joystick with intense concentration and pilots them through Space Invaders. Tense silence on the Bridge for a bit, until Reed breaks in to report that he's identified some stuff on the mine, which should be of some disabling use. "But to be honest, Captain, it's only a theory," Reed avers. "How...goodatheory?" Quantum demands, jumping to his feet. Reed talks about his prowess in disabling other similar explosive devices and reports that he "thinks" he can do it.
When we were kids, we had this Intellivision game called "Bomb Squad." It was one of the first games that used the new Intellivoice adapter, and the object was to defuse and dismember bombs. For some reason, the mechanized voices and the sirens all had British accents -- I think it was supposed to take place in London, which, if you want my opinion, is in very bad taste. When you first turned it on, this hufty-bufty voice roared, "Booooomb Squuuuuuuuuad!" and then when you didn't defuse a bomb fast enough, another chips-with-brown-sauce voice bleated at you, "The code! The code! Figure out the code!" Anyway, whenever Malcolm McVitties Reed fools with exploding things, I always want to yell at him, "The code! The code! Figure out the code!"
Quantum tells Reed that he has Trip working on a backup plan, but he really would prefer not to use it. "Right now, you're our best bet. Be careful, Malcolm," Quantum signs off. What they aren't telling him is that the backup plan is to use Malcolm as a battering ram through the minefield. Peter Cooke in Blackadder voice: "Cannon fodder!" To no one in particular and apropos of I don't know what, May-waste says, "I see it," as he guides the ship along. The corresponding movement rattles Reed and the mine. The mine sticks another securing arm out and drives it through Reed's leg, pinning him to the hull. Hey, look, it's Reed Satay! A few bubbles of blood float away, and something white oozes out of the EV suit to seal the space surrounding the spike's entry. Reed groan-comms the Bridge and tells him of his appetizing situation. Geddit? Reed's now an appetizer, because of the thing through his leg? Oh, just get a sense of humor already. Quantum tells him he's on his way, but Trip tries to stop him, saying he's the one who should go out there. "Aw, lookit that -- Trip's missing his lover," Mathra croons, then looks wild-eyed at me, "SLASH! God, what have your forums done to me?" He runs screaming out of the apartment. Quantum tells Trip he needs his engineer to stay on the ship and leaves. I hope Mathra remembers we need milk.
Sickbay. Hoshi again tries to get to the Bridge to do her duty and again Phlox makes her stay. "If you'd like, I can have them bring the comm-logs here," Phlox offers. Aw, I love Phlox. Hoshi nods wearily.
Hull. Quantum walks ponderously toward his armory officer. Considering Reed's been skewered like a Lil'Smokey at a 1978 cocktail party, you'd think he could pick up the pace a little. What? You're saying it's space and not his brow or the Weight of the World that's causing him to walk like that? Okay, gotcha. "Thought you might need a hand," Quantum says, greeting him. "Actually, I'd prefer a leg," Reed responds. Yuk-yuk-yuk, now shut up. Quantum pulls out a tri-corder and scans Reed. "Could have been worse. It missed the bone and it looks like the pressure from the spike is keeping the wound from bleeding to much," Quantum reports. Yeah, whatever. I'd like to know how something of that diameter happened to have the foresight to miss a bone as large as a femur. I know what you're going to say: it's a television show about flying through space, searching for improbable missions in the twenty-second century. But with the Ferengi, the Romulans, T'Pol's "uniform", Trip's "accent", and a brow-furrowing obsessor as captain, my Willful Suspension of Disbelief is a little used up at the moment. Quantum prepares to cut through the spike holding Reed down. "Actually, sir, I wouldn't do that," Malcolm warns him. "My scans show detonation circuits inside the spike. I would consider letting you amputate, but if Chef got hold of it, he'd be serving Roast Reed for Sunday dinner." That's a random thought and for some reason it reminds me of Dr. Seuss. Reed asks for a pain reliever so he can continue working to disable the bomb with a clear head. Well, clearer. "Not without doing more damage to that leg," Quantum tells him. "What's more important -- my leg or your ship?" Reed asks. Quantum fiddles with something that I really hope is a hypo-spray of Shut Up and tells Reed that he has a plan to save Reed's leg as well as the ship. He outlines Trip's plan of detaching the hull-plating they're standing on. "Seemed like a good idea at the time," Quantum comments. So, now he really doesn't have a plan to save both the ship and Reed's leg, right? "It's still a good idea," Reed sniffs. "Not with you attached to it," Quantum tells him, and FINALLY hypo-sprays Reed through his uniform. "I hope that's an anesthetic," Reed whines. "Phlox's own recipe," Quantum assures him. Why does that make me nervous? Reed goes all google-eyed, "Please, sir, may I have some more?" Because Oliver! jokes never get old as much as they make me want to rip my ear canals out and boil them in a veal stock! Quantum tells Oliver-Reed (Heh, I loved his work in The Three Musketeers, and strangely enough, he was also in Oliver!) that he doesn't want him too sedated. "I'm going to need your help -- someone's got to defuse this thing," Quantum reminds him. And I really don't think that that somebody should be you -- it's a funny thing about bombs, you can't furrow them away. Reed tells Quantum that disarming mines is very delicate work. "I'm trained for it. You're not," Reed snorts. Quantum says he's a quick learner -- good thing disabling mines doesn't involve not interfering with alien cultures -- and gets up. Reed argues a bit more, and I start to count Poppadum's spots. Isn't this supposed to be the "rising action" portion of the story? The only thing rising around here is my blood-alcohol level. Quantum reminds Reed how close they are to the ship's impulse reactor. More unnecessary arguing until Quantum reminds Reed how very at-one with the ship's hull he is at that moment. Reed hands over his tools. "I hope you've got a steady hand," he comments. He could just wedge the tools in one of the furrows of his brows -- I'm willing to bet they've got more of a grip than his hands do.
Sickbay. T'Pol and Trip hover while Hoshi deciphers the messages from the mystery ship. "They're ordering us to leave their system immediately or they'll destroy us," she reports. "Charming," Trip says, "Could you figger a way to compose a message back explaining...we're going as fast as we kin?" Hoshi says she'll try, and puts two fingers on her earpiece, signifying that she's listening again. T'Pol wants to know what their message is. "They say they've annexed this planet in the name of something called 'The Romalin Star Empire'?" Hoshi looks at Trip and T'Pol for anvil clarification. Trip shakes his head. Wait, wait... I...can...almost...reach it -- the Big Temporal Reset Button in the Sky! "Romulan," T'Pol corrects her, looking intense, "It's pronounced Romulan." Trip's been going to A.M. Furrowing Classes with Quantum again.
Hull. "Romulans? I read about them when I was with Daniels," Quantum is saying. "Whadja find out?" Trip asks. "Not much, just the name. He wouldn't let me see anything else," Quantum says. So, when you said "read," what you really meant was that you didn't. T'Pol adds, "They're rumored to be an aggressive, territorial species, but the Vulcan High Command has never made direct contact with them." They're definitely leaving it open for T'Pol to know way more than she's telling here. T'Pol gives Quantum the gist of the Romulan translated messages. Quantum tells her it's going to be a wee bit hard for them to comply with the Romulan demands and asks if Hoshi can explain the situation to them. T'Pol tells him Hoshi will have a reply within the hour. Trip steps up to the comm and asks, "How's it goin' out dere, Cap'n?" Quantum tells him they've disabled two of the five detonation circuits and requests he be kept abreast of developments not having to do with T'Pol's dinners. Reed instructs Quantum on which things to fiddle with and Quantum fiddles. As Quantum fiddles, Reed is able to see everything he's doing to the mine on his Game Boy. They have the best gadgets on this show. Quantum mistakes all this tenseness for a coffee klatch and asks, "So, where were we?" Reed's all "Huh?" "This morning, at breakfast, before we were interrupted. You said you didn't follow any particular sport," Quantum reminds him. "Well, I'm afraid I haven't started following one since breakfast, sir," Reed snarks. Hee! Go, Malcolm! Go Malcolm! It's your birthday! Buy some lipstick!
I think this whole "thing" Quantum has of talking sports during tense situations in order to relieve the minds of his crew, who might have otherwise been thinking that they had a mentally-capable captain in charge, is REALLY getting TIRESOME. It's as though the creators sat around and said, "Okay, Picard had Shakespeare and Dickens, Kirk had sex and candy, and Janeway had Katherine Hepburn -- what should Quantum have? Well, sports is easy, brainless, and mass-appealing -- yeah, we can do sports." Seriously, I'm getting really tired of them ramming this athlete's-foot mentality of his down our throats. Okay, he played water polo AND he watches water polo AND his crew is his "team" AND he plays psycho Lacrosse in the desert with Osama Bin Dribblin' AND he's got a water polo ball in his room -- even though, other than the one under Porthos, there's not a pool of liquid to be seen for light years -- and all of this means he's A Jock -- WE GET IT! Anyway, back to the hull. Reed gives more fiddling instructions. Quantum fiddles. "How about hobbies -- any hobbies?" Quantum asks. "No, not really, sir," Reed says. "I could've sworn I've seen you reading a book or two in the Mess Hall," Quantum tells him. "Cut the chitchat while you're defusing a bomb -- James Bond? You ain't him!" Mathra snipes, coming in with groceries. "Sir, do you really think this is an appropriate time for a chat?" Reed asks. "It helps me focus. It calms my nerves," Quantum tells him. Well, then it's all okay, isn't it? Except that it isn't, because you are DANCING THE TARANTELLA ON MY LAST NERVE! Reed says it's not helping his nerves any. "Sorry. It made you a little nervous this morning too, didn't it? Why is that?" Quantum wonders. Because this is the perfect time to go in for deep personality analysis. Reed tells him he was honored to be asked to break bread with him, but he wasn't down with the whole cazh aspect of it. "I was trained not to fraternize with superior officers," Reed elucidates. Well, that will shut all the Reed-Quantum 'shippers up. "Never too late to learn," Quantum assures him. And that will keep them talking. Reed doesn't think a starship is the right place to be socializing like that. No, the docks and the YMCA are better for that sort of thing. They're equipped in ways -- Oh, god, I've caught slash-ilitis too! Sars? I think I might have to tender my resignation in order to undergo a slash-ectomy. Quantum says he had a commanding officer who felt the same way, but Quantum thinks their mission is not a normal run-of-the-mill-on-the-floss one so there's room for a little bending. And stretching. And rubbing. Okay, somebody needs to turn me off. "All we have to depend on is each other," Quantum says, pulling out a rod from the mine. Reed tries to keep on task and tells him what other rods he should pull. "I appreciate your suggestions, Malcolm, Anything else?" Quantum wants to know. Did anyone see the lid to the can o' worms? I can't find it. "Well, since you asked. Bridge protocols have become somewhat lax -- too many people offering opinions. We're here to carry out your orders, sir. You're the captain," Reed says. Wow -- I know from experience that that particular shade of Randy Rose is going to leave a stain on Quantum's butt cheek. Quantum says he likes his senior staff sticking their oars in because he relies on them. He tells Reed to keep bringing the critique. "And in the area of security, I sometimes think you could show a little more caution, sir," Reed says. Quantum is very much aware of that concern of his and Worf's. "Not to say that it hasn't been a privilege to serve with you," Reed adds. Quantum orders Reed to stop being morbid with his past tenses. More fiddling and twiddling with the mine.
Bridge. May-waste continues to navigate through the minefield. "I hope they're allowing extra clearance for Quantum's brow," Mathra comments. They pull free of the field, and Trip tells May-waste to take a break. "Ensign Hutchinson can cover the helm for awhile," Trip says, as May-waste shakes off his Nintendo Thumb. May-wasteroid tells Trip he prefers to stay at his post. He's just knows that if he leaves the Bridge, he'll never be seen in the episode again. T'Pol comms Quantum to tell him that the minefield is a thing of the past. Quantum acknowledges and turns back to more important and delicate matters. But first, the mine. More twiddling and adjusting and praying their eyelids won't be blown off by Quantum's supreme stupidity. "You must have realized this wasn't going to be your typical armory posting. That my command style lacked a certain spit and polish," Quantum says, in a revival of The Malcolm Reed Nobody Knows. Reed says, "That was obvious." Quantum chuckles and thinks it's strange that Reed comes from a Royal Navy family, going back several generations, and yet he chose to join up with Starfleet instead of serving Queen Elizabeth. What? Oh, come on, you don't really think she's going to die and leave her throne to that chinless son of hers, do you? Reed says he tried really hard to continue it. "Yeah, right -- the Reed who fought at Trafalgar," Mathra mutters to himself. "What happened?" Quantum wants to know, his helmet furrowing. "I'll need a circuit probe," Reed tells him. Already? I mean, shouldn't they have a few drinks first? Lord! What is wrong with me?! Finally, Reed tells his sordid tale. He was raised on the water -- not whisky, the actual water -- and knew all kinds of stuff about it and boats. "I dunno, I suppose I thought I'd just grow out of it," Reed sighs. "Grow out of what?" Quantum wonders. His pants, doof-butt -- what do you think? "Aquaphobia," Reed says. "You're afraid of the water?" Quantum wonders. "More precisely, afraid of drowning," Reed corrects him. "So instead of a life on the sea, you choose a life in the vacuum of space," Quantum postulates. Great, just give him a new phobia, why don't you? Spacaphobia: the fear of serving all your days under a furrowed brow, which eventually envelops, consumes, and digests you alive over a period of seven years. Along with all those eggs from Chef. Reed confesses that he had a great-uncle who suffered from the same problem. "But he faced his fears. Joined the Navy, had a distinguished career -- all you have to do is attach it to the --" Sorry, I didn't catch the pointless technobabble in time on that one. Reed tells a story of heroism, freaktitude, and death. Apparently, the great-uncle bravely decided to get himself assigned to a submarine. [Stupid, insensitive Quantum comment here about the gr'uncle facing his deepest fears.] He was promoted over the years and finally made Chief Engineer on the H.M.S. Clement. Reed asks, "Do you know the story of the Clement, sir?" Yeah, yeah! I think I saw that one on Broadway last year. Unfortunately, Quantum didn't have box seats as I did, so Reed has to tell the story. Reed says they were on some routine mission when they had an accident. "Now, there's a beautiful irony for you -- they hit a mine, left over from some world war. There they were, trapped underneath an ice shelf, several compartments flooding -- including Engineering. Can you imagine? My great-uncle...the man afraid of drowning. The ship was sinking, losing power. According to his lieutenant [Screw up! Shouldn't a Brit be pronouncing it "left-tenant"? Silas, Buni, russus -- help me out here.] my great-uncle sealed himself in the engine room and kept the reactor online long enough for his crew to make it to the escape pods. He went down with his ship. He did what he had to do to save his crewmates." No, no, that's not it -- it's the one with "A British tar is a soaring soul, as free as the mountain bird. His nose should pant and his lip should curl..." Quantum tells him he appreciates the sentiment, but he was counting on Reed putting his martyr streak aside for the nonce. "I just want you to know, sir, that I am prepared," Reed stiff-upper-lips. Sheesh, pessimist much? Quantum gets it. But Reed of Arc hasn't had his complete say yet. "If we're not able to defuse this mine, the safety of the crew -- " "I said I heard you, Lieutenant!" Quantum cuts him off, abruptly. What are you crabbing about? You're the one who started him down this maudlin path in the first place. Reed makes a face and says they have another problem. "What? What is it?" Quantum demands. "I need to use the bathroom," Reed admits. "I won't tell a soul," Quantum assures him. Yeah, well, you say that now, but every time you look at him you're going to be thinking, "You are the guy who peed himself. You were lying in urine!" "In my EV suit, sir?" Reed squeaks. Don't they have contraptions for that exact purpose? I mean, I know they do today, so wouldn't they have them then? Man, in that amount of time, they could be so advanced, Reed wouldn't even know he had to go until the day. Reed and Quantum start laughing. So, did he go? Reed makes a weird face. Oooh, ooh, I'm sorry I asked. I take it back -- just make the pee face go away! "Sir!" Reed exclaims. Seriously, I said I was sorry! Quantum turns around and two Romulan Birds-of-Prey shimmer-shudder greenly into sight.
Bridge. May-waste announces that they're being hailed. T'Pol, thrusting herself off her contorted perch on the Captain's chair, stands up. The Romulan message is broadcast in English. They're pissed that Enterprise has ignored their commands. T'Pol explains that they had quite a time of translating their language and they are trying to defuse a mine on their hull. The Romulan voice -- no visual, of course -- says they are aware of their situation and they are also aware that they are ready to trash that part of their hull plating. "Complete the procedure and leave this system immediately!" Rom Voice commands. "We gotta man trapped out 'dere -- doncher scans show yuh that?" Trip wants to know. Last I checked, they had two men out there. "One crewman -- you have eighty-two others safely aboard. Jettison the hull segment and leave. We will not tolerate espionage," Rom Voice tells them and hangs up. Quantum comms in and demands an update. T'Pol gives him one. I think they've done something different to her ears or sideburns this season. Trip interrupts and tells Quantum the Romulans know they're prepared to detach the hull plating. "I'm defusing the last detonation circuit -- stand by," Quantum tells him. Wait, you're defusing the what now? Without Malcolm Pee-Pee Pants, you're nothing. NOTHING! In his hubris, Quantum does something wrong. A red light flashes, a high whine emits and Reed pees again, saying, "It's rearming! Reset that last component -- quickly!" Quantum looks at him. "Oh, my god, check out that furrow! There are hills, valleys, and bypasses I've never seen before!" Mathra shrieks. Quantum fusses around and the alarm stops. "Lieutenant?!" he asks. Hey -- what happened to calling him "Malcolm"? I guess when a man wets his suit in front of you, you gotta go back to "Lieutenant." "When you deactivated that final circuit, it triggered a sub-detonator," Reed explains. "How can we get through it?" Quantum wails. Bad news is, they can't, unless they take apart the entire mine. "Captain, those heroics we spoke about -- I think it may be time," Reed says, piling up the logs on his pyre.
These new Green Acres Old Navy commercials hold a certain horrified fascination for me.
Hull. Still. Reed is persisting with the same morbidity he exhibited in "Shuttlepod One". Quantum tells him to stuff it. "I'd prefer a burial at sea if I'm not completely vaporized," Reed meanders. "I thought you were afraid of the water!" Quantum snaps and demands he hand over his scanner. What exactly, pray tell, is Quantum going to do with Reed's scanner? He doesn't have the slightest clue what to look for or even how to turn it on. Reed tells Quantum that it's futile. "We'll dismantle this thing piece by piece if we have to," Quantum butches. "That'll take days," Reed says. "My schedule's open," Quantum tells him. So's your fly. Reed doesn't think the Romulans understand that patience is a virtue. "As much as I appreciate all your efforts, you have to detach the hull plating -- it's the only option," Reed pants. "I'm not about to leave one of my crew behind!" Quantum growls. "You're putting Enterprise at risk!" Reed bawls. "We're wasting time -- help me figure out a way to get you outta here -- that's an order!" Quantum bawls back. Reed detaches his oxygen pump. And seems to become subconscious immediately. That oxygen leaked out for all of forty seconds. Don't argue, I timed it. Wimp. I know Japanese Pearl Divers -- not personally, you understand -- who can hold their breaths for eight minutes. After noting that Reed let ALL his oxygen go, Quantum hooks Reed up to his auxiliary hose and shares his life's breath. "If I were the kind of Captain you think I should be, I'd bust your ass back to crewman," Quantum snaps. "Begging your pardon, sir, but if you were that kind of captain, we wouldn't be having this conversation. You'd have cut me loose by now," Reed rasps. Quantum assures him he's not going to do that. I would. Quantum wants to know, "When we triggered that sub-detonator, why didn't the mine explode right away? How many seconds went by before I re-armed it?" Reed doesn't remember, "Ten, maybe twelve." "If felt more like twenty," Quantum says. "Ten...twenty -- what's the difference?" Reed wonders. A lot if you're some miners trapped in a mineshaft. Now, how's that for Twilight Zone Generation? Last week I dish a rant about twelve versus twenty miners, and now they're dealing with a mine and arguing about ten/twelve or twenty seconds! Not only that, but 1220 is the address of my culinary school! I'm so creeped out, I need another Post Road. "If it had exploded, how big would the yield have been?" Quantum wants to know. Reed hazards it would have been a quarter of a kiloton and wants to know what the hell Quantum is getting at, Sir.
Ship. Trip and T'Pol march to meet Quantum in the airlock. "How close is your team to finishing?" Quantum demands as Trip helps him off with his helmet. "They're down to the last few couplings -- what's goin' on out there?" Trip asks. Quantum tells them they're going to detach the plating. Trip looks horrified. "I'm sure you did everything you could, Captain," T'Pol assures him. "I'm going with him," Quantum states. And wants to know if a shuttle-pod hatch can withstand a quarter-kiloton blast. "Depends on how close it wuz," Trip says. "Twenty meters, maybe twenty-five," Quantum estimates. Trip tells them they're enforced with a technobabble alloy, "They kin take a helluva beating -- what you got in mind?" "I need two shuttlepod hatches -- have them brought up here on the double," Quantum orders. "Sir?" Trip stutters. "On the double!" Quantum repeats. "Captain," T'Pol starts as she helps with more helmet unhookage, "I assume there's no point in questioning your plan." Quantum gives her A Look and walks off. T'Pol stands there.
Enterprise flies by and shows the nasty gash in her side. Nice graphics. Situation room. Trip and T'Pol mess with things and T'Pol comms Quantum that they're ready to go. On the hull, Quantum looks at Reed, who is still alive. What stopped Reed from letting the rest of his oxygen go when the captain was putzing around on the ship? "See you soon," Quantum comms. "Hang on, fellas," Trip mutters. There's some preliminary noise. Which I can't hear since it's space, and the hull detaches. At the detach point, the coding "V070-39-*1034.MN HULL" can be seen -- if anyone is freak enough to care. In some awesome effects, the portion of the hull floats above and away from the ship. When they show a shot of Quantum looking down on Enterprise, you can see the missing piece on the hull. I love their graphics department when they don't try to do regular stuff -- like libraries.
Bridge. "Six hundred meters," May-waste calls out. "Another hunnerd outta do it," Trip says. Two Romulan ships phase into view. "Subcommander!" May-waste calls. "Hail them," T'Pol commands. No response. I think they're screening their calls. There's some beeping, and Trip reports that the ships are charging their weapons. "Polarize the hull plating," T'Pol orders. "I'll do what I can but keep in mind, we're missing some of it," Trip warns.
Detached hull. Quantum cuts through the spike that made the Reed Kabob. "It's rearming!" Reed calls. Quantum finishes his job and says, "That's it -- let's go!" Quantum helps Reed to his feet, and Reed picks up one of the shuttlepod hatches. Quantum pushes him off. Reed activates some Rocketeer device and jets away from the mine. The mine keeps beeping. Quantum picks up his shuttlepod hatch and leaps away from the hull plating. If everybody had a hatch-door, across the U.S.A., then everybody'd be hatching, like Enterprise -- I-A. We'd see them wearing their spacesuits, bubble helmets, too. Everybody's gone hatching -- hatching U.S.A! Quantum and Reed float away. "Now, Malcolm!" Quantum orders. The two of them swing their hatchdoors around as blockers as the mine explodes, sending them to catch a curl. If Reed hadn't already peed himself, he did now.
Bridge. T'Pol tries without success to comm Quantum. "Maybe their transmitters were knocked out in the blast," Trip offers. May-waste announces that he sees them and gives the coordinates. T'Pol leans over the ensign and orders Trip to open the launchbay doors. "The Romulans are locking weapons," Trip announces. T'Pol comms Phlox and tells him to get his butt to the launchbay. "They're targeting our engines," Trip updates. "A hundred meters more," May-waste reports, "Fifty...I've got them -- sealing launchbay doors." "Go to warp, Ensign," T'Pol commands.
Enterprise takes off as the two Romulan ships watch.
Shuttlebay. Panting, Quantum removes Reed's helmet and asks if he's all right. "No, he's got a spike through his leg and he's covered in pee!" Mathra reminds Quantum. Lying on the floor, Reed pants back, "All things considered. If I may say so, sir, your style of command does have its advantages." Quantum chuckles and asks, "So, how long was it?" He raises Reed to a semi-recumbent position. "I counted ten seconds," Reed wheezes. "Ten?! It was more like twenty," Quantum says. "Respectfully, sir, it was ten," Reed corrects him. "I'm not going to argue with you, Malcolm," Quantum says. Reed looks satisfied. "It was twenty. That's an order," Quantum says, finally. Oh, look at them -- they found their cracker-barrel! T'Pol, Phlox and Trip rush in and help to administer Malcolm's EV suited-leg. I hope someone brought Bounty because it's the quicker picker-upper. "Get him to Pee Decon, STAT!" Mathra orders.
week: Enterprise needs a Band-Aid and a kiss to make it all better and Malcolm sleeps on plastic sheets.