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Picking up where they left Quantum and Crew last season, T'Pol maintains command of the ship while her leaping captain traverses time portals with a dead/not-dead Crewman Daniels, who sashays around in a suit made of those things that contributed to the Challenger tragedy and teenage girls everywhere wore as bracelets for the longest time. Over the summer, Phlox grew himself a luxurious mullet and Reed, as usual, sports the latest fall lip glimmer from Bobbi Brown. Trip squints and drawls, Travis "What Ever Happened to Mayweather Jane" snatches a few lines from the jaws of career oblivion, and Hoshi loses her shirt. Literally. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Wow. A whole new season, still a bit damp and wrinkled from its shell. Having a show actually go into a second season is a big first for me. One small step for Keckler, one giant step for recapperkind.
Previouslys: Quantum's fuzzy chest, Trip's wrathful drawl, Echoey Shower Guy, Suliban and Post-Apocalyptic San Francisco. You want more? Read the recaps. Then go buy a mug or a shirt or an apron.
Through the bridge view screen, T'Pol tells Silik that Quantum isn't on board and he surely must have sensors that can confirm that. Silik doesn't feel like telling her that their sensors are offline because Silij and Siliw overloaded the system downloading some Shower Guy porn off the internet, so he just reminds T'Pol that she's lied to him before. T'Pol invites him to come see for his own damn self that Quantum has vanished without a trace. Silik snaps at her to "Drop out of warp. Prepare to be boarded." Reed orders up some security at their docking ports, but T'Pol overrides that order, much to Trip's drawling and dribbling dismay. "Are y'crazy? How do we know how menny Sulibon are coming aboard? They cu'd try to take over the shiip!" he argues. T'Pol reminds them of the highly armed swarm of pods surrounding them, whose particle weapons are still trained on their warp core. "So, unless you have a better suggestion..." T'Pol says. Trip shuts his peeecan pah hole and shakes his head in defeat. I'm glad to see that Jolene is no longer acting with her dinners. She is, however, now acting with her butt. Look at the wee thing, sticking out like a pin cushion!
Outside, a Suliban pod docks to Enterprise.
Wahoo! They changed the song! I can't believe it; I never dreamed they would listen to all the voices crying out in rage, but they did! They did! I love them, they're wonderful! What? They did so change the theme song. Yes, they did. Shut up! They did too! La la la la la - I can't hear you!
Back on the sunny side of the post-apocalyptic street, Daniels and Quantum pick their way through the rubble. Quantum tries to get some clarification about how Daniels lived in this timeline if the city was destroyed so long ago. "You're thinking of time travel like we're in some H.G. Wells novel, we're not -- it's far more complicated," Daniels snips. No, you're actually in a Sweet Valley High novel, and you are Bruce Patman and T'Pol is Jessica Wakefield. I wonder if he would have used a writer other than Wells if The Time Machine hadn't been remade into box-office dreck so recently. Daniels sizes up Quantum's intellect much in the way I have, and tells him he wouldn't understand. "Try me!" Quantum challenges him. Daniels continues to look for Coca-Cola bottles among the mess. Anyone else remember that Pepsi commercial set in futuristic Earth where a Coke bottle is a fossil? Quantum grabs Daniels by the arm and tells him that he's owed an explanation for being dragged out of his warm bed in the middle of night to be paraded down the Book of Revelation's Main Street, just waiting for the horsemen to trot through the crosswalk. Maybe he just wanted to make Quantum eggs the way he knows his Captain likes them. Daniels tells him he doesn't have any answers for him, "and you're right, I shouldn't be here, which means you shouldn't be here either, but you are. We are." Okay, and that was the sound of the writers sweeping the temporal explanation under the carpet. Daniels starts to chuckle over the irony of bringing Quantum there to protect the timeline. "We did quite a job!" he wheezes.
Suddenly, Daniels notices a particularly shiny piece of mortar and starts to breathe heavily. Quantum wonders what's wrong. You mean, besides the fact that Earth looks like the set of Enterprise at the end of Generations, and that Daniels is being forced to wander through all eternity decked out in a suit made completely of black rubber bands? "It's gone!" Daniels tells him. "What's gone?" Quantum asks. My interest. "The monument," Daniels tells him, refusing to be anything but ambiguous in his answers. I can just hear the rest of this V'Ger-esque conversation. Quantum: "What monument?" Daniels: "The one that's gone." Daniels goes on to say that the monument that's gone used to be "right [there] -- on the same street as the library" when it wasn't gone. Kids, get your cards out and peruse that list of Newbury Award winners -- we're going to the library! Daniels looks around wildly and says, "It was obviously never built." Quantum doesn't know why that's a problem. Sigh. Think of it this way, Capt. Mini-Brain; if the Statue of Liberty was suddenly gone from our future, possibly because it had never been built, that would be "a problem," don't you think? At the very least, think of all those poor French metalworkers who wasted all that time slaving over something that was never going to be built in the first place. What? I can't be just as temporally screwed up as the writers are? "Who did it commemorate?" Quantum demands. Please don't say Quantum! Please don't say Quantum! Please don't say Quantum! "Not 'who,'" Daniels dithers. "Then what?!" Quantum barks. "An organization. A Federation. It doesn't exist for you. Not -- not yet," Daniels says, still looking around for the anvil that was never built. "Fiiine, keep your missing monument to yourself," Quantum snaps. God, would someone please put that man on Claritin-D or something? His nasal passages must still be blocked with Mucus of Borg. There's actually a freaky background shot showing two distant tall towers that have been partially destroyed -- I wonder if that was their intent, or if it's just me who will never be able to look at two rectangular objects the same way again. Quantum wants to know where the fabled library is. Because he wants to see what new scrapes Jughead and Reggie have gotten themselves into. Daniels gestures vaguely and tells him it should be somewhere over there. "If it was ever built," he adds bleakly. Quantum starts off. "And even if it was, it will be of no help -- all the data's stored electronically," Daniels calls, stumbling after him. We get a faraway shot of what looks like the M.I.T. Rotunda or Monticello, and tiny Quantum and Daniels CGIs going up the steps.
Inside, Quantum and Daniels walk up to a painting of a library room. Seriously, folks, this scene was faker than Joan Crawford's shoulders, and I'm usually pretty complimentary of the visual effects on this show. "Books...made with paper," Daniels marvels, looking around. "There aren't supposed to be books here." Look, buddy, this isn't "All Our Yesterdays," so don't expect some Mr. Atoz to come toddling up asking for your selection. The city's in shambles, the monument to the Federation isn't there, you're wearing a suit from the Rubbermaid haute couture line, and there aren't any CD-ROMs in the library -- get past it already. Quantum shares my annoyance with this underfed Michelin Man and tells him that they might as well use the books to figure out what Daniels did to the last thousand years by bringing him there. Daniels slinks off to look up dirty words in the dictionary.
Enterprise. A line of orange Suliban pods are lined up at a docking bay. On the bridge, a Suliban picks up one of the clear blue data disks the Enterprise crew snatched last season and scans them. "They haven't been duplicated," the Suliban tells Silik. "Is he correct?" Silik demands, pointing a pistol at Hoshi's chest. "Don't you believe your scanners?" T'Pol asks. "Is he correct?" Silik asks again, this time aiming the pistol at her head. I've noticed that they really go out of their way to make every aspect of the Suliban repulsive. Not only are the orange Suliban hand weapons as mottled as the Suliban faces, but the orange rubber-trimmed fuchsia jumpsuits clash nauseatingly with their split-pea-soup faces. They'd actually be more ominous-looking if they wore all black to bring out the green of their putrid skins, but I guess they'll stay fashion accidents for the rest of the series. This analysis brought to you by the Flash Gordon House of the Sartorially Insane; and now, back to your regularly scheduled snarking. "We didn't have time to make a copy," Hoshi grits out. Trip yells at them to leave Hoshi alone. Silik tells the Suliban to lower their weapons, and threatens them all with spankings if Quantum is found to be on the ship. Two Suliban step out of the turbo-lift and report that Quantum isn't there, but they found a temporal signature in the turbo-lift. The Suliban hands over a futuristic Maybelline pressed powder compact, and Silik examines it. Trip looks like he wants to use it to check his pores. Silik walks around and tries to figure out if the crew knows anything about the Temporal Cold War Quantum was heard to babble about. No one responds. Silik flashes the glowing compact in front of T'Pol's face and asks her what she knows about a temporal signature being left in that lift. "The last time we saw Captain Archer, he was entering that turbo-lift," T'Pol tells him. "Perhaps you haven't been lying to me," Silik says, and orders a complete lockdown on all Enterprise's systems and a confinement of all personnel to their quarters. Enterprise warps off under guard of the Suliban pods.
San Francisco. Ambassador Soval blathers about Enterprise being three days late to meet the Vulcan ship that was to carry T'Pol and Phlox off. Admiral Forrest defends his can-do-no-wrong crew by reminding him and us that Quantum had information proving he didn't decimate that civilization of Pirogies. Soval continues to be annoyed until Random Jock in Uniform gets in his face about the D'kyr having long-range sensors to detect Enterprise. Soval ignores him and expositions that Quantum's klutziness caused the deaths of three thousand colonists. Wasn't it quite a bit over three thousand last season? Soval goes on that Quantum's mission is way over; they should have been on their way home, according to the orders from Starfleet. The Admiral takes Random Jock in Uniform's place in Soval's face and tells him he didn't answer "the Commander's" question about the D'kyr being able to detect Enterprise. Soval admits the Vulcan ship reported that Enterprise was joined by a bunch of other vessels, but now they are all out of sensor range. Commander Jock pipes up, wanting to know "what kind of vessels." Soval says the Vulcan ship was too far away to tell. "Enterprise has ignored our hails and defied Starfleet's orders, I have no choice but to send the D'kyr in pursuit," Soval announces. Admiral shouts that Quantum doesn't report to him. "No, he doesn't," Soval agrees, "but Sub-Commander T'Pol does, and since she would never comply with his present actions I have to conclude that she's being held against her will." Commander Jock does some really bad acting here as he spits out that Quantum doesn't usually kidnap Vulcans. Forrest steps in and tells Soval to send his ship, but he's certain Quantum will have a very good explanation because he knows what he's doing. Isn't about time you took out those rose-colored contacts, buddy?
Apple Core Helix. Enterprise is docked. Silik frets that Temporal Shower Man hasn't responded to his emails. "He's never failed to respond before," Silik whines to his Bosom Suliban. Bosom Suliban says, "Perhaps he's angry that we didn't return with Archer." "Archer wasn't on Enterprise," Silik says, furiously sending out IMs to "ShowerGuy2151." "Why isn't he responding?! I need instructions!" Silik pants. Bosom Suliban reminds him that Shower Guy told him to destroy Enterprise if they couldn't bring Quantum. "We should tow them out of the nebula and do it now," Bosom Suliban wheedles. Silik keeps repeating that he needs instructions if Quantum did indeed leap time zones. "If he's angry with you you'll be punished again," Bosom Suliban sing-songs, and repeats his suggestion that they destroy the ship. Silik looks him square in the mottled eye and says, "Have the surgeons prepare, then bring me the Vulcan."
In the messed-up files of Mr. Michelin E. Danielsweiler, Quantum complains about not finding any references to "This Federation [he] talked about." Did you check under the anvil? I really think it might be under the anvil. Just put your head under the anvil and check for me, would you? "I doubt you will," Daniels mutters. "Because that monument wasn't there?" Quantum wonders. "Because you weren't there," Daniels tells him, and goes to check another stack. Capt. Don't Start The Federation Without Me supposes, "So I disappear one day and all history changes?" God, yes, it does! Stop belaboring the It's A Wonderfully Quantum-Leaping Life point, you large-scale ego! Daniels tells him that all of history through the twenty-first and twenty-second centuries looks normal -- well, I can rest easy, then -- but after the Warp Five Project, nothing looks right. Quantum reminds his Al In Disguise that there were a lot of people involved in the Warp Five Project besides him. You know that he's really just fishing for information about how great of a hero he's going to be in his future. Daniels points out the obvious: "We didn't bring 'a lot of people' here this morning, we just brought you." Quantum reads the spine of an anvil aloud: "The Romulan Star Empire -- what's that?" "Maybe you shouldn't be reading that," Daniels says, pushing it back into the shelf before it falls down and hurts someone. After all, he doesn't need to read it; he can see it in theatres in December.
Quantum dons The Furrowed Brow Of Posing Questions That Feed His Sense Of Self-Importance -- glad to see he brought his overnight bag of Furrowed Brows with him to the future -- and says, "I don't get it. What could I have done that could have been so important?" Thankfully, Daniels tells him it wasn't him alone that did the Important Deed, "it was events you helped set in motion." "This timeline, the one you say no longer exists, what can you tell me about it if my mission had continued?" Daniels stops his hunting and gathering and looks deep into Quantum's Furrowed Brows. "It would have led to others," he says meaningfully. "And?" Quantum prompts him. Daniels turns away and continues studying the Dewey Decimal system. "Okay, what about this Federation? Was Earth part of it? Was I part of it?" Are the chicks hot? Do we get to wear furry hats? Daniels seems to be thinking out loud when he muses that Silik wanted Quantum, not the data disks, and that the people Silik reports to are more interested in getting their hands on Quantum and not just ruining Enterprise's mission. "They obviously knew of what role you were to going play in the months or years to come," Daniels says, getting all excited. Why is he acting like this is just coming to him now? "By taking you away from the twenty-second century, I caused exactly what I was trying to prevent," Daniels finishes. "You've lost me," Quantum tells him. Not like that's hard to do or anything. "The only chance I have of restoring my century is getting you back to yours," Daniels explains. "Sounds like we've got a 'chicken or the egg' problem," Quantum says stupidly. "You said your time portals are gone, all your technology -- there isn't even electricity here. You going to find a bicycle and turn it into a time machine?" Stop slutting around with the H.G. Wells-isms; they're gratuitous and easy.
Even without the electricity, a light bulb appears above Daniels's head as he says they might not need a time machine and asks if Quantum has his communicator on him. Quantum hands it over. "And my scanner?" Quantum asks. And his Black and Decker Mr. Fusion, does he want that too? "May I?" Daniels asks, his palm out. "What is Quantum going to say? 'Don't touch my stuff -- seriously, don't touch my stuff!'" Mathra wonders.
Daniels gathers these implements from the past together and rattles on that the people the Suliban are working for are from three hundred years ago and can't travel through time themselves, but they can send images of themselves back to the past in order to communicate. "You...can't...do...thatwiththose," Kir -- I mean, Quantum says. Yes, you can -- didn't you read the owner's manual? Obviously not, since your clock is still flashing twelve. "No, it's a little more complicated, but not much," Daniels says, drawing boxes in the dust. "We learned how to do it in high school." Great, Thomas Jefferson High School of Science and Technology of the thirty-first century. Daniels tells Quantum they're going to need a few more materials that might be difficult to find. Yeah, a DeLorean and Christopher Lloyd. The French Horn And Violins Of Cooperation play on as Quantum hunkers down and asks, "Then what are we waiting for?" We're waiting for you to stop acting with your forehead!
Apple Core Helix. "Where -- is -- Archer?" Silik demands in a darkened room. T'Pol, clad in a t'ank t'op, lies on a metal cot with a collar around her neck. T'ubes of liquid come and go from her. "I don't know," T'Pol rasps. Silik asks who she is working for from the future. "The Vulcan Science Directorate has determined that time travel is impossible," T'Pol chokes out while her eyeballs flutter side to side. Silik grabs her chin and forces her to look at him: "Does Captain Archer agree with that opinion?" T'Pol tells him it's not an opinion. "Does Archer agree with that determination?" Silik restates. T'Pol tells him that Quantum believes Daniels travels through time. Silik points out that Daniels is dead. "Captain Archer claims he saw Daniels two days ago," T'Pol says. "Your captain is gone -- did Daniels take him into the past or the future?" Silik asks. "The Vulcan Science Directorate has determined that time travel is impossible," T'Pol repeats. Silik sighs.
Somewhere in a Yeats poem, a rough beast slouches toward Bethlehem to be born and the Second Coming is at hand. Oh -- my mistake, it's just Quantum coming back with supplies. "I can't be sure, but I think that's copper," he says, tossing some black thing at Daniels. Daniels puts it to his tongue -- ew, he doesn't know where that's been! -- and confirms that it is copper. He asks Quantum to unwrap it and pound it into strips no more than a millimeter thick. Does Quantum look like he can do measurements without the help of a ruler? I don't think so either. Quantum gives Daniels an odd look, but Future Boy has already gone back to meticulously taking apart what appears to be Quantum's scanner. Quantum grabs a rock and starts hacking away at what we can now see is a big ladle. And thus takes another step up the evolutionary ladder. This time week, he should be playing with fire.
Enterprise. Reed wears a path in his cabin's carpet until he hears some electronic static coming from his door buzzer. "Hello?" Reed asks. More static. "Please repeat, I can't understand," Reed says. That's funny, closed-captioning was able to understand that the static said, "It's me, Trip." More static. Reed says he still can't understand, and gives some technobabble suggestions. More static. "Barely," Reed says. "You're going to need to boost the signal." "Any better?" Trip's voice drawls. "Yeah," Reed says, "I thought the comm was offline." Trip's sitting in his room, soldering something on his wall. "It is," he whispers. "I'm routing the signal through the EPS grid. I can talk to any doorbell on B-Deck." That's the twenty-second-century equivalent of using a piece of string and two tin cans. Reed asks if he's okay. "Eh, same as you, I'd guess," Trip replies. "Locked in tight." Reed asks about "the others," and Trip tells him he can't get in touch with T'Pol, and May-whelp and Hoshi are on C-Deck. And anyone else is inconsequential because they're not in the opening credits; they're not the "cool kids." "Any thoughts about how we're going to get rid of these Suliban?" Reed asks. Trip tells him to hold his horses because he's got to figure out how to contact the doorbells on C-Deck. I giggled at the mental image of Trip sneaking around whispering to lit-up buttons. Trip tells him he'll be in touch: "Sit tight." "I wasn't planning on going anywhere," Reed grins dryly.
Back to the future. Quantum pauses in his copper pounding to ask Daniels if he's having any luck. "I still have the spatial coordinates of Enterprise, but without a quantum discriminator [heh] it's going to be very tricky to contact the ship on the same day you left," Daniels reports. "I thought you built these things in high school," Quantum gripes. "Where quantum discriminators were on every desk," Daniels notes. Of course they were. Quantum wonders why they have to be exact to the day. "I made the biggest mistake in the history of time travel this morning -- I don't intend to make it any worse," Daniels says, getting back to work.
Enterprise. Two Suliban drag T'Pol into her quarters and throw her at a couch. T'Pol lies there shivering for a moment before she hauls herself to her bathroom and douses her face with water. She holds onto the sink to support her trembling arms. Back in her room, she grabs a red Indian patterned pillow from Pier 1 and carefully lies down, hugging it. We can hear a fuzzy Quantum start to come through the temporal airwaves. "This is Captain Archer, can you hear me?" Strange that his voice wavers and echoes like Temporal Shower Guy. "T'Pol, this is Captain Archer, can you hear me?" T'Pol makes no signs of consciousness, much less recognition. We can see a transparent, disembodied head of Quantum floating in T'Pol's cabin. "I don't think it's working," Quantum says to someone. "I don't know where he is," T'Pol mutters. "You don't know where who is?" Quantum asks. "Sub-Commander, this is Captain Archer. I'm having trouble understanding you." "Captain Archer's gone. A temporal reading in the turbo-lift, I don't know where he is," T'Pol says, still not rolling over to see Quantum's head. "Daniels brought me to the future, that's what the temporal reading was all about -- are you all right?" Quantum asks. T'Pol rolls over and says, "The Science Vulcan Directorate has determined that time travel is...not fair." "Whatever you say," Quantum tells her. "Just tell me, are you all right?" "You're not Quantum, you're an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of an underdone potato," Ebenezer Mathra lilts. "We're all confined to our quarters," T'Pol tells him, snuggling up to her pillow. Why did they make her wear a tank top to be tortured? And she has those weird industrial carpet pants on still -- I thought it was a one-piece catsuit, not multiples. Ugh -- and she has her shoes on the bed! Now that really bothers me. Quantum asks her where she is. "I told you, in my quarters," T'Pol mutters. Quantum wants to know where the ship is.
T'Pol wrenches herself around, exposing more of her eight-minute abs, and tells him there's a helix outside her window. Huh -- there's a tree outside mine. Quantum tells her he needs her help and that she has to find a way into Daniels's lo-jacked cabin. "Do you understand me?" "You're on the ceiling, why aren't you on the monitor?" T'Pol wonders. Quantum tells her there's no technology where he is. "I thought you said you were in the future," T'Pol argues weakly. "T'Pol, do you remember when I asked you to keep an open mind?" Quantum asks. T'Pol remembers. "There's a lot more at stake here than bringing me back, or the mission. I need you to listen to me very carefully," Quantum says. How else does a Vulcan listen, if not "very carefully"? The camera zooms up to T'Pol's eyes, in which we can see a flickering Quantum reflected. She looks like a Real Doll that close up. "I need you to trust me," Quantum says. I have to say, I was duly impressed with Jolene's acting in this scene; if only I weren't convinced that it's not much of a stretch for her to act drugged.
Trip fiddles some more. "It won't work," he tells his doorbell. "We can only access the decoupling pins from outside our quarters." Maywhelp asks some technobabble questions of his doorbell, and Reed gives some technobabble response to his doorbell. What it comes down to is that none of them could fit through what will come to be known as Jeffries tubes except Hoshi. "Isn't there some other way I can help out?" Hoshi asks her doorbell. "Something that needs translating? You know how claustrophobic I am." That's a big surprise. Maywhelp tells her no one else is as small unless they can reach Crewman Naiman: "She's pretty small." Wasn't Naiman in Mucus of Borg? "There's no time," T'Pol interrupts. "If this is going to work, we need to begin now -- Ensign Sato?" Hoshi asks how far it is to Phlox's quarters. "Forty meters, maybe forty-five," T'Pol tells her. Hoshi asks how far to Reed's. Just a naked chest further. Trip tells her it's not far and says, "You can do it. We need you to do it."
Hoshi, slithering through the bowels of the ship with a flashlight. A lot of people thought that the crawlspaces were big enough for any of the guys to get through, but I disagree. Only certain parts appear to be that wide. Plus, the turning radii of some of the corners are pretty sharp and narrow. There is a bit at the end of all Hoshi's slithering that does look large enough for the others, but that's the only one as far as I could judge. I'm just waiting for the moment when she loses her tank top.
Phlox sits in his quarters, loading up some hyposprays. Was Billingsly taking hair growth pills over the break? He's got an extra-long mullet now. And Sars was worried about me growing one under my toque? Phlox gets up when he hears Hoshi's knocks and removes his ceiling vent. Handy that they aren't welded or nailed down or anything. Hoshi's hand comes down. "Hoshi?" Phlox asks. "Good guess," Hoshi comments sarcastically. "How are you holding up?" Phlox wonders. "Great," Hoshi says unconvincingly. "If you don't mind I'd just like to get this over with," she says, her arm flailing impatiently about. Phlox hands her the hyposprays and wishes her luck. Can't he give her a dose of something while she's there to alleviate the claustrophobia temporarily? I'd think even something as ancient as Valium would better her nerves. Hoshi grunts quite loudly as she passes over a corridor vent. She bangs another vent open and starts to lower herself down, but she notices that her tank top is caught on a convenient hook. She drops with a squeal. I really hope there were no Suliban within ten miles to hear all of that racket.
Hoshi's disembodied hand opens Reed's door, and Reed is confronted by a shirtless Hoshi holding her dinners. He looks a bit shocked. "Whatever you're about to say, I don't want to hear it, just get me a shirt," she orders. And she wasn't wearing a bra for what reason? Reed looks very concerned and confused as he opens his locker. How is it that Phlox had vent in his room that Hoshi could open and receive the hyposprays through, but she had to jump into the hallway outside Reed's door? I also presume that Hoshi must have had a vent in her own room in order for her to even get into the crawl spaces. I think it would have been funnier if Hoshi had dropped straight into Reed's cabin -- losing her tank top in the process -- and then risen from the ground with her arms crossed over her nakedness. But then I guess they would still have to solve the issue of not being able to open the doors from the outside to let everyone run free. Details, details.
Two Suliban patrol the hallways and stop when they find T'Pol deep in a conversation with the floor. "What are you doing?" one of the Suliban demands, pulling his weapon. T'Pol doesn't give any sign that she knows they're there and keeps talking to the floor. "Stand up, Vulcan!" the Suliban orders, and kicks at her. The Suliban pick her up and put a weapon to her head. "No! No!" T'Pol screams, bucking around. Reed and Trip drop down from the ceiling and hypospray the two Suliban into unconsciousness. One of the Suliban overacts his part by jiggling a bit before falling down. T'Pol grabs their weapons as the guys drag the Suliban into a cabin where Hoshi -- fully dressed now -- waits. "You certainly took your time," T'Pol comments, waving one of the guns around. "He had this pressed against my head." Trip grunts that they had to be sure the mottled ones were "preoccupied." They dump the Suliban on the floor, and Trip asks Reed if he's sure he wants to do "this." "It cu'd git pretty uuugly," Trip reminds him. Reed says he's positive, and Trip tells him he has thirty minutes. Reed takes off. T'Pol hands over the hyposprays to Hoshi and tells her to use them if the Suliban regain consciousness. "Don't worry," Hoshi says from the neckline of her Blue Tick Underoos. Who knew Reed wore such small shirts? T'Pol and Trip take off.
Some Suliban enter a turbo-lift, and Reed crawls out of a vent in the wall. He un-lo-jacks Daniels's room and checks out the underwear drawer. Sticking his arm into what we assume was a real wall, but for Daniels's tricky way of rearranging atoms so that he could walk through solid objects. Accompanied by crackling sound effects to symbolize the rearrangement of the atoms, Reed gets in up to his armpit and digs around and pulls out a hi-tech bathroom scale. He makes to leave but is grabbed by two Suliban just as he re-lo-jacks the door.
Silik bashes Reed's face around a bit as he demands to be told what the bathroom scale does. Reed says he doesn't know, and gets to bite down on another blood packet for his trouble as another Suliban sends him to kiss the floor. Reed finally "relents" and tells the Suliban that he was told to destroy the object, but he really doesn't know what it does. Silik asks who told him to destroy it as Thug Suliban puts a stranglehold on the blood-spitting Brit. "Captain Archer before he left. He didn't want you to find it," Reed chokes. Silik asks why Quantum didn't want him to find it. "He thought you would use it to contact someone -- I don't know who, I swear it!" Reed coughs. Silik smiles and tells Thug Silik to tuck Reed into bed. And they didn't resort to the same kind of t'orture they inflicted on t'ank-t'opped T'Pol for what reason?
Engineering. A few Suliban patrol around the warp core and get knocked out by their own phasers. Fired by T'Pol and Trip, of course. T'Pol nerve-pinches the remaining Suliban and shouts, "Ready!" to Trip. Trip scrambles down to the core and fiddles with it.
Apple Core Helix. Silik desperately plays with the bathroom scale near the Temporal Shower pad. You know what would be helpful? Some of those rubber flower stick-ums to prevent slippage. I had a nasty fall in the tub once and tore all the muscles in my lower back. Those flower stick-ums could have prevented that, and the Temporal Shower Man should look into it.
Enterprise bridge. An alarm goes off, and several Suliban scurry around. One comms Engineering to ask, "Engineering? How did this happen?" There's no response.
Temporal Shower Room. Silik still hasn't figured out how to get the scale to read his weight in stone rather than pounds when he answers a call. "What is it?" he demands irritably. "The anti-matter stream has been compromised," comes the report. Silik tells him to shut down the warp reactor, but the Suliban tells him that Engineering isn't responding, so he's sent soldiers. Silik tells him to keep him informed, and goes back to his bathroom scale.
Engineering. A control panel flashes "Core Breach In Progress" in red as Suliban scurry around. Stuff explodes from the reactor. The Suliban leave.
Temporal Shower Room. Silik starts to get the beginning of some action on the shower pad. Ew, not like that. He's beeped from the Enterprise. "These humans are greater fools than I thought. They'd rather commit mass suicide than submit to us," the Suliban tells him. Silik asks if he corrected the problem. "It's too late, the reactor's going to breach," comes the answer. Silik tells him they can't endanger the Apple Core Helix, and instructs him to evacuate his men and have the ship towed out of the nebula. "There's very little time, will you alert the tractor team?" the Suliban asks. Silik's nostrils flare: "You do it. I'm busy!" Silik crouches to the shower pad as yellow beams of light waver around.
The Suliban evacuate Enterprise. A bunch of pods tow the ship away as the nacelles smoke.
Temporal Shower Room. A shadow begins to form inside the yellow shower of light, and Silik clasps his hands ecstatically to his chest.
Enterprise is out of the nebula as the nacelles start to spark.
Temporal Shower Room. "Is that you? Can you hear me?" Silik pleads.
More towage and sparkage. The nacelles explode and the pods retreat. The exploding stops, and Enterprise warps off. Pretty nice effects. On the bridge, T'Pol asks for a report from Maynothing. "The anti-matter stream is back to normal," Maynothing tells her. "You may have overdone your pyrotechnic display, the scorching on the starboard nacelle is extensive," T'Pol says, turning to Trip. Trip says he'll take that into consideration the time they have to fake a reactor breach. Hoshi reports thirty-five pods approaching them very, very fast. T'Pol instructs Maynothing to maintain his course and speed. Maynothing nods and tries to look serious, when inwardly he's really singing and dancing in the sunshine for getting a few lines.
Temporal Shower Room. Silik pleads with the shadowy form on the pad, "I've tried to reach you -- I tried for two days. I did what you told me but Archer wasn't on Enterprise. There was some sort of temporal signature -- I need instructions." If anyone out there thought that the shadowy figure was ever Temporal Shower Guy, well, I just feel sorry for your brain cells. "I don't know how to operate this device, I need your help!" Silik whimpers. The shadow statics something. Silik can't understand him, but closed-captioning heard it to say, "You're an ugly bastard." "Repeat what you said, please! Repeat what you said!" Silik whines. The shadowy figure leaps (couldn't avoid that one, folks) from the shower pad and hii-yah kicks Silik in the chest, knocking him into backwards somersaults.
Quantum jumps up and punches Silik in the face. "I said, 'You're an ugly bastard,'" Quantum repeats, and grabs Silik's weapon. He presses the gun against Silik's temple and tells him, "You try shape-shifting on me or pulling one of your chameleon routines and I promise you Silik, I'll blow your head off." "Your quote-unquote head -- whatever your head ends up being. A part of the wall, a light fixture, whatever," Mathra snarks. "Has Enterprise left the nebula?" Quantum demands. "Can you see? I've brought you Archer! He's here -- Archer's here! There's no need to punish me!" Silik cries out desperately to someone. Quantum demands to know where his ship is. "They've left, they're gone," Silik hisses. Quantum asks how many cell ships he sent after them. So, they're calling the Suliban pods "cell ships" in this episode? When did we agree on a real name? Silik tells him he sent twenty or thirty after them. Okay, stop. Between the fake warp core breach on Enterprise and Silik trying all this time to tune in his Shower Guy while barking at his underlings to leave him alone, just when did he have time to send anything out after Enterprise? Quantum tells Silik he's going to call off his pods and give Quantum the data disks back. Quantum wrenches Silik to his feet and frog-marches him to the door. "My soldiers won't let you leave," Silik gasps. "Shaddap," Quantum says, and pushes him through the door before turning to blast the bathroom scale to bits.
Space. Pods fire at Enterprise continuously. Things explode on the bridge as Trip asks if there's any sign of the Vulcan ship and Hoshi reports no joy. Maynothing announces that the pods are closing in on them. A cannon deploys from the hull of the ship to fire at a few pods. Pretty cool. Hoshi reports that the lead ship is sniffing their tail. The ship takes a lot of damage, and Maynothing reports that all their plating is offline. Even the silver. Suddenly, the firing ceases. Everyone looks around nervously as the smoke settles. "Why'd they stop firing?" Hoshi asks. "Why waste ammunition? They have us surrounded," Maynothing points out bitterly. T'Pol asks if their long-range sensors are still operational. Hoshi checks. "No Vulcan ship," she reports. Suddenly, the pods disperse away from Enterprise. "Sub-Commander..." Maynothing says. "I see them," T'Pol says, looking at the arm viewer. "Sumabitch! He did it!" Trip swears. And the curse count is up to three -- nice family fun. Hoshi smiles. All the pods have dispersed except for one. T'Pol orders that they stand down their weapons and open a channel. She contacts the pod. There's a pause. "Go ahead, Enterprise," Quantum's voice comes through. Trip throws back his head in relief and tells Quantum that it's good to hear his voice. "Good to hear yours, too," Quantum tells him from the cockpit of the pod. "I feel like I've been away for a thousand years." Ha. Ha. Quantum asks if everyone is okay, and T'Pol reports that Reed is recovering in sick bay from some minor wounds he suffered when he got too excited over Clinique's Bonus Week and their free tube of Raspberry Glace. "Captain, I'm curious, why didn't all the other Cell-Ships try to stop you?" T'Pol asks. "I know it's not 'standard' Starfleet procedure but I took a hostage," Quantum says, as the camera pans down to show Silik on the floor. "By the time he wakes up, we'll be long gone. Request permission to dock," Quantum says. T'Pol rolls her eyes and says, "Permission granted."
Enterprise is docked with the neato Vulcan ship with the big ring. Quantum has some Log Cabin syrup and reports that they are docked with D'kyr, and that Starfleet and the Vulcan High Council are on pins and needles to discuss the future of their mission.
Bridge. All stand at attention as Soval preaches at them through the view screen, saying he thinks their explanation for how they obtained the data disks is "implausible," but he is willing to concede that Enterprise wasn't responsible for the destruction of the colony. Quantum smugs to himself. "It may seem 'implausible' to you -- "Quantum begins to condescend, but Soval interrupts him and requests that he be allowed to finish. "In less than a single Earth year, you've engaged in armed conflicts with over a dozen species. You've escalated the conflict between my people and the Andorians, which included the destruction of one of our most sacred monasteries. You helped eighty-nine Suliban escape from detention. You may claim to be on a mission of exploration; I, however, consider you reckless and irresponsible. A danger to the quadrant. Regardless of the evidence presented here, I plan to advise the Vulcan High Command not to change its recommendation to Starfleet. Enterprise should be recalled," Soval finishes, while Commander Jock gives Forrest an indignant look. Trip chooses this moment to have a bout of diarrhea of the mouth, telling the Vulcans that they've been wanting to "scrub" their mission from the git-go. "We proved to you that we dinnit kill those thirty-six hunnerd people but you doan wanna heer it! I meen, yer pathetic!" Trip shouts. Forrest tells him that's quite enough out of him. Quantum gives Trip A Look. It took the Admiral to shut Trip's yap; what does that say for the kind of control Quantum has over his crew? Forrest goes on to say that while he's pleased that Enterprise wasn't responsible for extinguishing a colony, he thinks the Vulcans have a valid argument. "Starfleet Command has a difficult decision to make here," Forrest finishes, while Commander Jock looks aghast. That's the last thing I remember before everything went black. When I came to, Mathra was wiping off my face. He told me a modified multi-phased emission of EZ Cheese shot out of the TV and got me square in the face, enveloping my head. I passed out from lack of oxygen. He explained that what I missed was Quantum going on about gazelles giving birth and walking, which somehow related back to how humans make mistakes. Don't recollect a bit of it. Don't plan on recollecting a bit of it, either.
Apparently, Soval wasn't impressed by Quantum's little Out of Anvil-ca story either, and he says so. T'Pol decides to step up and take the reins she's held the whole episode by telling Soval that someone of his wisdom should be able to comprehend the concept of learning from one's mistakes. "Our ancestors discovered how to suppress their volatile emotions only after centuries of savage conflict. You spoke of the destruction of the monastery, what about the Vulcan listening post that Captain Archer found there? I would hope that our people have learned from those events that using a sacred sanctuary to spy on others was a dishonorable practice to say the least. I don't wish to contradict Captain Archer, but learning from one's mistakes is hardly exclusive to humans. Their mission should be allowed to continue, " T'Pol finishes. I hardly think that Vulcans should speak in run-on sentences. Soval flounces out of the room and off the view screen. The Vulcans standing at attention on the bridge of the Enterprise also leave. Forrest steps closer to the screen and says that everyone will go back and mull everything over; he'll let Quantum know as soon as he has a decision. "Good luck, Jonathan...all of you," Forrest says, and Phlox looks around as if to say, "I know he's not talking to me."
T'Pol's cabin. The Vulcan is sleeping until her doorbell rings, waking her up. She sits up in sage green silky pajamas and calls, "Come in." Quantum walks in wearing sweatpants and a Comfy-Fit tee and says, "I can't be certain, but Crewman Fuller might have seen me coming in here." "Do you intend to ravage me, Captain?" T'Pol asks. Okay, she doesn't really, but why did he bother saying that bit about Crewman Fuller? "She tends to be discreet," T'Pol tells him. Wait, what is there that she needs to be discreet about? And who is this Crewman Fuller they're suddenly knowing so much about? How does T'Pol know that Fuller is "tends" to be discreet -- just because T'Pol's managed to pay her off since she caught Malcolm and Chef sneaking into her room on opposite nights? And why is Quantum bugging her so late at night anyway? She was tortured just yesterday and she needs her sleep. Quantum sighs and smooshes on The Furrowed Brow Of Visiting A Female First Officer's Cabin At Compromisingly Late Hours By Victorian Standards. "What can I do for you?" T'Pol asks. What can she do him for? Quantum jerks his head up and remembers why he's there. "I think you put it over the top," he says. Where's the Universal Translator when you really need it? T'Pol just looks at him. "Forrest said none of the others could believe it when you went to bat for us. Not to mention that little listening post lecture that you gave to Soval," Quantum says, hunkering down to T'Pol's bed. Is he going to propose to her now?
Mathra: It's not like your "Walk Like A Gazelle" was a tough act to follow.
Keckler: Whatever -- she just said it because she still doesn't want to go home and marry that poor Frank Lloyd Vulcan.
"You spoke to the Admiral?" T'Pol asks. "He woke me up in the middle of the night," Quantum tells her. Which was when? A few minutes ago? "Can you believe that?" Quantum asks. Uh, I think she can believe it, since you're now doing it to her. T'Pol assumes he called with good news. "I think you put it over the top," Quantum restates. I really wish he would stop saying that. Quantum gets up to go, ostensibly in case Crewman Fuller decides to stop tending to be discreet. "I still don't believe in time travel," T'Pol tells him as Quantum reaches the door. "The hell you don't," Quantum tells her, and leaves. Wow, not many women find it comfortable to wear a bra to bed.
Enterprise undocks from the Vulcan ship and warps off.
week, someone who looks like T'Pol plays dress-up and watches I Love Lucy.