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In the season finale, the crew screws up royally and kills a sizable matriarchal-society-based colony. But fear not, Quantum Leaps back in time to prove that he is pure as the driven snow. However, for some reason his leap back doesn't do anything to save the barbequed thirty-seven hundred people -- just his reputation. There's some tangoing with the Evil Suliban and before Quantum Leaps to the future, he pauses to deliver a speech to the bridge crew that brings down the house. Mainly as a result of the roof shingles being cleverly constructed out of anvils. As for the rest of the cast, Reed snivels, Trip shouts, Hoshi defends, T'Pol commands, Phlox hums, and Mayweather does facial exercises. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Oh, how sad -- my last recap of the season! Wait, Mathra just brought me a champagne cocktail. Okay, not so sad.
Quantum, T'Pol, and Trip walk into Quantum's private dining room. Apparently, they are dropping their calling cards off at a colony which actually welcomes their presence. In fact, the colony hasn't had guests in six months, according to T'Pol. While Quantum pours out cups of hot water -- is that supposed to be coffee? Because it's clearly water, but I don't see any tea bags for tea -- Trip asks if the society is really run by women. "Until recently. But in the last decade the Perogaan males have made great strides towards equal rights," T'Pol informs him. "Still, it's probably best if we didn't get too flirtatious," Trip tells Quantum. "Probably," Quantum says ironically. Quantum waxes annoying about the Pirogies' history -- how they started off with only thirty miners, but now they number thirty-seven hundred, and other unnecessary information like that which is really tedious, especially when all you're trying to do is make an unknown, unseen colony more real so you can be sorta sad when they become flambé before the first commercial break. Trip wonders if there are going to be human colonies, called things like New Sausalito, out that far. Sheeyah -- if anything, the first Earth colony on another planet is going to be called New Minneapolis. Oh, what? You think the people who invented Stickie notes aren't going to be pioneering that kind of space living? Think again, my friend. Think again. Of course, Quantum has to remind us how brilliant his warp-engineer father was by pointing out that he would not be at all surprised by the idea of colonizing planets. "We're making history with --" Quantum starts to say. "With every light year," Trip finishes for him. Quantum smiles. "You know, I think I've heard you say that a half a dozen times," Trip says. "Well, it's still not going on the poster!" Mathra snaps. Maywazoo comms Quantum that they are coming into orbit and receiving the landing protocols from the Pirogies. Quantum comms back that they're on their way.
Sh'pod zips toward the planet with T'Pol, Quantum, Trip, and Reed aboard. Reed fiddles with buttons and tells Quantum, "This should take a bit longer than usual." Quantum foreshadows, "It wouldn't be very polite to ignite their atmosphere. When are you supposed to close the plasma ducts?" Reed gives him some technobabblic response, but gets it across that he's being more than safe with the Pirogies' atmosphere. T'Pol joins Quantum and Reed in the bow of the sh'pod and starts to say, "Although the matriarchal elements of the culture have diminished, it might be best if I were to ask --" Then there's an orange explosion, and the sh'pod is tossed about. A band of fire sweeps over the planet's surface, pan-searing everything in its path.
No more theme song for three months!
Sick Bay. Phlox scans Trip on a bed, while T'Pol paces and Reed insists that he closed both plasma ducts on the sh'pod. Wearing The Furrowed Brow Of Untimely Destruction Of A Planet, Quantum asks Hoshi, "Are you sure there's nothing left?" Hoshi, holding herself to keep from shaking, says, "We could see the colony in full magnification, sir. The ground was scorched for at least a hundred kilometers in every direction." The camera spins jerkily around in this scene in a paltry attempt to illustrate the rattled feelings of the crew, but all it did was make me take Dramamine. The acting was strong enough without it. Quantum asks Reed if the dampeners are malfunctioning, but Reed restates that he closed both ducts; if there were a malfunction, there would have been an alarm. T'Pol strides over and tells Quantum and Reed, "This is no time to be placing blame. A thorough investigation should explain what happened." T'Pol asks how Trip is, and is told that he's got a mild concussion but will be fine. Quantum asks Hoshi if she's even tried hailing the colony: "There has to be someone down there!" Hoshi says, "Sir, I tried to explain -- there's nothing left. No buildings, no trees, no people!" Quantum says, "That's impossible. There were thirty-six hundred colonists!" Convenient death toll.
Bridge. Quantum is crabby with everyone on the bridge crew because they haven't found any answers yet. There's much technobabble, with the end result being that it seems to impossible that anything they could have done would have generated such an explosion in the atmosphere. Do I even really need to mention that Quantum's wearing yet another brow from his Edward R. Furrow collection? He orders Hoshi to call Admiral Forrest and then mutters, "This is not going to be fun," as he leaves the bridge. Yum, bitters on a sugar cube.
Quantum's Ready Room. Quantum attempts to explain the situation to Admiral Forrest -- who has consistently seemed overly thickish to me -- and ends his suppositions/excuses with, "But that's not gonna change the fact that there are thirty-six hundred corpses down there." Forrest tells him to keep at their analysis; he'll have to call an emergency meeting of the command council as well as get the Vulcans involved. "They'll have to figure out who's going to contact the Perogaan homeworld," Forrest says. Quantum juts out his chin and tells Forrest that that should be his responsibility. Forrest agrees, but tells him they need to take it one step at a time. Quantum gets self-pitying when he asks, "How do you tell all those families that --" Forrest tells him he followed all the protocols that he was given. Quantum says, "We came here to meet these people -- to learn something about them, not to kill them!" Forrest interrupts with, "You followed the protocols. You've got a crew that's going to be looking to you to figure out how to react to all of this. Don't let them down. I'll get back to you as soon as I can. I'm sorry, Jon." Forrest hangs up. Forrest is wet. Quantum sits heavily, enjoying the company of The Furrowed Brow Of Massive Slaughter And Responsibility.
Sick Bay. T'Pol expresses her concerns over Quantum's mood swings to Phlox. I think they need to declare him unfit to command. T'Pol tells Phlox that Quantum is neglecting his duties as captain, and she considers it "illogical." Phlox explains that humans have a hard time separating emotional despair from what her definition of duty is. T'Pol suggests that Phlox monitor Quantum's behavior to make sure he "remains fit for command," but Phlox explains that, while he understands her concern, it wouldn't be natural for Quantum to act any other way under the circumstances.
Quantum's cabin. Quantum holds a too-cute Porthos on his lap and scrolls through the pictures and bios of all the dead colonists. Hoshi comms him that Admiral Forrest is on the line for him. Quantum thanks her, turns off his laptop, and sighs heavily.
Bridge. Hoshi sends some technobabble to Reed's console, which he and Trip analyze; they report the existence of a substance only produced when plasma comes in contact with the tetrazine in the Pirogies' atmosphere. Those Pirogies must've had really clear complexions. Reed continues to insist that his plasma ducts were closed. Quantum steps heavily onto the bridge and says, "T'Pol, Trip," as he continues on through to his Ready Room. Maywonderbra, in an attempt to be more like his captain, furrows. Quantum, turning away from his Weight Of The World Window, tells T'Pol and Trip that their mission has been cancelled. Quantum looks directly at T'Pol when he explains that Forrest thinks Ambassador Soval will use this monumental screw-up to convince Starfleet that humans shouldn't be bunging around space for another several decades. Trip flips out a bit, shouting more than is necessary, so Quantum tells T'Pol that a Vulcan vessel is on its way to retrieve Phlox and herself, and that Maywonderbra should set an intercept course. He turns back to his Weight Of The World Window as Trip shouts some more. Memo to Trinneer: Shouting isn't acting. Quantum says, "Dismissed," without turning around, and Trip starts to shout his objection. Quantum whips around, and Bakula must have had a tweezers in his pocket that he was plucking with, because he's got sudden tears in his eyes and a wrench in his voice as he says, "I said you're dismissed!" Trip looks at his shoes as Quantum tells T'Pol to leave as well.
Mess Hall. Hoshi and Maywonderbra fiddle with their food as they discuss their plight. "You think they've replaced you in Brazil yet?" Maywonderbra asks Hoshi. "Even if they have, they'd take me back. I'm a prodigy, remember?" Hoshi tells him, grinning slightly. Hoshi asks what Maywonderbra's plans are, and he tells her he cannot stomach the idea of going back to hauling cargo around. "What if they made you captain?" Hoshi asks. "You're going to be the most famous Boomer around, you know?" "Or maybe infamous," Maywonderbra sighs. "From what Commander Tucker tells me, people back home think that we're doing nothing out here but getting into trouble!" Heh -- shout-out. Hoshi tells Maywonderbra that it's their job to make sure everybody back home knows the truth: "Anyone who tries to badmouth Captain Archer in front of me is going to get an earful." Stay away from my recaps, honey.
Captain's Quarters. Porthos is bored on his cushion, as Quantum lies on his bed and bounces his water polo ball in the air. T'Pol comes in, and Quantum, without looking at her, asks what was so all-fired important that it couldn't wait until morning. T'Pol, piqued, tells him she'll come back later, but Quantum apologizes and asks her what she wants. T'Pol hands over her e-pad and tells him that Reed and his team have discovered "an unidentified EM signature on the ventral hull of Shuttlepod One." Quantum looks at the e-pad and tosses the water polo ball at T'Pol -- who catches it readily -- and tells her it could be anything. T'Pol throws the ball back at him and tells him that Reed thought he'd "be interested." Quantum gripes that Starfleet's not going to look at some unidentified bit of stuff and give them back their mission with apologies. T'Pol asks him, "Is this what humans refer to as 'feeling sorry for themselves'?" Quantum gives Porthos some fresh water and tells T'Pol she's out of line, and she says, "I'm outta line?! Pah! You're outta line! This whole courtroom's outta line!" Or maybe she just apologizes. Quantum tells her it's not himself he feels sorry for, but for every member of Starfleet whose futures depended on the success of his mission. T'Pol admits that she realized the Vulcan High Command would "take advantage of the situation," and Quantum asks her what she's getting at. T'Pol tells him he needs to reverse the Vulcans' recommendation and Starfleet's order to cancel the mission. Quantum doesn't know what one little man can do to make a difference. "You are very adept at listing the questionable decisions you've made, but there have been other decisions -- many of them that no one would question. I am willing to convince my government of that; are you willing to convince yours?" T'Pol speechifies. "You know, this has gotta be the first time a Vulcan has ever attempted to cheer up a human," Quantum smiles up at her. T'Pol tells him she'll see him in the morning, and leaves. Not a bad scene, if it weren't for Quantum.
Sick Bay. Trip fidgets about as Phlox packs various alien cases of squawking noises. Trip is annoyed that Phlox isn't acting more chagrined about leaving the Enterprise. Phlox admits that he expected to be on the mission longer, but he's certain he'll find something just as exciting. Trip gripes that he wishes he could share in that sentiment, and Phlox says that, as humans seem to be naturally optimistic, he's surprised Trip doesn't think there's something waiting for him "around the nebula." "That's jest the point -- there won't be any nebulas in Starfleet's future. At least, not for a decade or so," Trip whines. Phlox doesn't believe him, but Trip, not having gotten my memo, tries to shout him into changing his mind. "Enterprise comin' back to Earth with its tail tucked between its legs. It'll be Soval's crowning achievement. They'll probably give the sonofabitch some gaudy medal and then cart him off to wherever they send bitter old Vulcans to retire," Trip bawls. Phlox, chuckling, points out that Soval's c.v. is just tattered with distinctive achievements. Trip scowls, "You have to find something good in ev'rybody, dontcha? I gotta tell you, that's one of your 'unique qualities' that drives me crazy!" Now, that's just mean. Phlox tells Trip, "I'll certainly miss your outspoken personality, Mr. Tucker." Trip stops shouting and tells Phlox he'll catch him later. He chunters off.
Captain's Quarters. Quantum, trussed up in his Blue Tick Underoos -- which I am thankful I don't have to look at again until September -- rubs Porthos's adorable head and informs him that it's "time for bed." As Porthos is already on his cushion, I'm not quite sure what else Quantum thought Porthos was preparing for. Maybe Quantum's waiting for the beagle to trot off and don his own set of Tick Underoos. Okay, I don't like dogs dressed in clothes, but wouldn't that be cute? Quantum clambers under the covers and sighs The Sigh Of The Great And Mighty World Bearers. In the dark, Quantum pats the bed and says, "Porthos -- up!" Pause. "What's a-matter, boy? Don't tell me you're --" Quantum switches on the light in a completely different room, where he's not wearing Tick Underoos anymore, 'cause he's bare-chested. Oh, boy.
He jumps out of bed to the window and throws back the curtain. "Hey, look! It's Coruscant," Mathra comments, brushing a knot of fur Hunca Munca fussed into Poppadum. Sure enough, pods and things are zipping about the skyscrapers in a futuristic San Francisco. I think Manimal's gonna be pissed about what they did to her apartment. And dude, those pods zipping about? They could hover to your window and peer into your rooms! No, I'm not paranoid -- why do you ask? "Porthos!" Quantum breathes and fondles the pup. "What's going on here?" Something rings, and Quantum walks around the IKEA living room to answer it. "Sorry to call so late, Captain, but all three inspection pods are gettin' their weekly overhauls tonight. They tell me they won't be ready until noon, so I figgerd --" "You might want to sleep in," Quantum says with Trip. "What do you say to breakfast at nine-thirty, space-dock cafeteria?" Quantum asks, Furrowed Brow Of Quantum Leaping on his face. Breakfast at nine-thirty -- he calls that sleeping in? Come to my house, where we know what it means to sleep in. Trip tells him he was reading his mind, as he was about to suggest the exact same thing. Quantum tells him he'll see him in the morning, and clicks off. Quantum informs the empty space that if it's trying to tell him the last ten months were a dream, he's not buying that Newhart storyline. Neither am I -- it wasn't so much a dream as a nightmare.
As Porthos watches with interest, Quantum goes to a laptop and calls up a woman. "I.M.E., can I help you?" she asks. Quantum identifies himself and starts to reel off his clearance, but the woman interrupts him, telling him she knows who he is and asks how she can help. "Do you have a Denobulan doctor in the Inter-species Medical Exchange?" Quantum asks. "Yes, a Dr. Phlox. He's assigned to Starfleet Medical here in San Francisco. Would you like me to contact him for you?" the I.M.E. woman asks. Quantum says no thanks, and hangs up. He mutters aloud that he didn't even know of Phlox's existence before The Klang Incident. "And that was the day after the late-night call from Trip," Quantum muses. And that narrows it down? "You're not dreaming, Captain," comes a voice from the shadows as Daniels steps into the light. Was he watching Quantum from the shadows all this time? Because that's a little south of Extraordinarily Creepy on I-95. Daniels apologizes for Quantum's disorientation. Aw, he's used to it -- just bring in some Ziggy action and he'll be fine. Quantum speaks for the audience when he tells Daniels that Trip told him Silik killed him. "He did. In a manner of speaking," Daniels tells him, because time-travelers can never speak unless it's enigmatically. Wow. Déjà vu of unoriginality. I think I said that in "Cold Front." Daniels then tells him, somewhat understatedly, that they need to talk. He also says that "none of the other factions" can know about it. Apparently, in case the audience is as slow-witted as Quantum, it is Daniels who has brought Quantum back ten months in time. Quantum wants to know where the Jonathan Archer of ten months ago is, and Daniels tells him it's him, so Quantum wants to know where the Jonathan Archer who just climbed into bed wearing his spiffy Tick Underoos is; Daniels tells him it hasn't happened yet. Quantum tells him that's impossible, and Daniels snarks that he's had the same conversation half a dozen times. Wait, does that mean that he's had the same conversation with different people half a dozen times, or that he's brought Quantum back ten months ago half a dozen times to have this conversation? You know, there are so many ways I could ruthlessly pick apart this whole time-travel thing and compare it to how it's been presented in TOS or TNG episodes, but I'm not going to. No, instead I'm going to tear out my hair and mail it to Bermaga in an envelope. I'd much rather do that than think too hard about it -- plus, I don't want to go out and get a haircut because all hairdressers are employed by the government. Hairs are our aerials. They pick up signals from the cosmos and transmit them directly to the brain. That's why all bald men are uptight.
Quantum demands to know if Daniels ever gives a straight answer, and Daniels tells him it depends on the question. Quantum asks him why he's been brought there: "I thought you were supposed to protect the timeline, not screw with it!" "It's already been 'screwed with,' Captain," Daniels snits at him. "That explosion at the Perogaan colony -- it wasn't supposed to happen." Quantum tells him he knows that and that it was an accident. "That's not what I mean," Daniels says. "History never recorded the disaster. Someone violated the Temporal Accord. Someone who doesn't want your mission to succeed." Quantum realizes this means he -- I mean, Enterprise -- didn't directly have a hand in that disaster. "Do you remember the temporal cold war I spoke of?" Daniels asks. "It's kinda hard to forget," Quantum tells him. "Then listen to me carefully, we don't have much time," Daniels tells him. Sure you do -- if you run out, just go back a few hours and you're golden.
Back on Enterprise, Quantum has returned from his little time jaunt and is attempting to convince the crew that he now knows what caused the flame-broiling of the planet. Reed joins the "senior staff" -- that's what Quantum called T'Pol, Trip, Hoshi, Maywonderbra, and Reed when he commed them -- in the situation room and hands over a disk telling Quantum that "it was just where [they] detected the EM signature." Reed continues that he doesn't get how Quantum knew it was there, or how Quantum knew the disk would be made visible by a phase discriminator. Instead of answering Reed, Quantum claps him on the shoulder and hands the disk over to T'Pol, saying, "If I'm not mistaken, you'll find this thing was designed to generate a plasma stream." Quantum turns to Trip and tells him to get a team together to make two "quantum beacons," and a whole lot of technobabble ensues which makes Quantum sound really smart even though that bemused expression never leaves his face. He's not fooling anyone. Quantum tells Hoshi to keep the comm system "on the fritz" for the few days, and instructs Reed to have the armory on "full alert." Quantum finally turns to Maywonderbra and tells him to turn the ship around; they're going back to the Pirogie colony. The senior staff just stands there, confused. "What are you all waiting for?" Quantum barks. "Oh, I don't know, 'Dismissed!,' maybe? That's what real captains say, you Muncher," Mathra drawls. And because Trip is such bosom buddies with Quantum, he approaches the captain after the rest of the staff has cleared out and says, "Sir?" "It wasn't us, Trip. We didn't do it," Quantum tells him, Bart Simpson Of The Universe that he is. Trip breathes very audibly and sets to work, scoring a clap on the back from Quantum.
Quantum and Trip look at specs for the quantum beacon while Quantum elucidates what he needs. There's so much technobabble going on in this episode that nuts and bolts started falling out of my TV twenty minutes ago. By the end of the show, there's going to be nothing left but a smoking pile of ridiculousness. Finally Trip says, "With all due respect sir, this is a level of quantum engineering beyond anything I ever learned [that's because you were too busy passing notes to that cute girl down front to pay adequate attention in Q.E. 101]. How the hell do you know this?" Because he's Captain QUANTUM! Dum-DAH! Quantum explains that Previously Declared Dead Daniels spent two hours imparting all this quantum technobabble to him. Trip's flummoxed by everything and says, "He's on Innerprise?" Quantum assures him that he'll explain it all when Trip gets older, and tells him he's got more technobabbling to get to.
Quantum technobabbles with T'Pol and Hoshi about the disk. He tells them that the disk is not human technology, so he needs Hoshi to set up an interface to retrieve the Suliban information contained therein. "And Daniels claims this is Suliban technology?" T'Pol queries. Quantum tells her he has no reason to doubt him, as everything else he told Quantum has checked out. I think Daniels is going to turn out to be bad, a member of one of those "other factions" he mentioned to Quantum -- not human at all, but definitely a player in the temporal cold war. T'Pol reminds him that the Vulcan ship they were on an intercept course with will have detected their course alteration. Quantum asks Hoshi if the ship has tried to hail them. "I wouldn't know sir, our comm is on the fritz," Hoshi answers. Quantum smiles slightly and steps into the turbo-lift.
Reed and Quantum walk through the corridors; Reed asks, "Why did Daniels leave it in his quarters?" "I don't recall him having much time to pack before he left," Quantum shoots back. Yeah, but seeing that he's not really dead, why didn't he just time travel back to get it? Does anyone else think a bottle of aspirin washed down with a pitcher of margaritas is a good accompaniment to this episode? I love how Reed has to accompany Quantum to Daniels's Lo-Jacked cabin -- it's like he's got THE ring of keys, or something. Reed mentions that the thing they're going to get could contain information that would be invaluable to Starfleet, but Quantum cuts him off, saying, "I gave Daniels my word, Malcolm, we download the schematics for the Suliban Stealth Cruiser and nothing else." "Pity," comments Reed. I don't know -- if Quantum had half a brain cell, he'd look at other things to make sure Daniels really is who he says he is. And if he's squeamish about knowing too much about the future, he could get what he needs, tell T'Pol the relevant information, and then have T'Pol administer that "forget" mind-meld on him the way Spock did to Kirk in "Requiem For Methuselah." Reed wants to know how Quantum's so sure the Suliban won't come after them after they put their secret information to good use. "Just like those old Bible movies, Malcolm: 'It wasn't written,'" Quantum tells him. I have so many levels of problems with that. First of all, didn't Daniels say that "history didn't record" that the Pirogie planet was broiled? So, the whole fact that "it wasn't written" doesn't really seem to be much of a safeguard. Furthermore, what Bible movies is he talking about? In all the ones I've seen -- and by "all," I mean The Ten Commandments -- they always say "it was so written," not "it was so not written." Malcolm pushes a button on the Lo-Jack (Quantum couldn't have done that himself?) and removes it so that they can snoop around a dead man's cabin. They find the Discman and activate the Pink Floyd Laser Light Show. Reed is entranced and comments, "Wait a minute, you see that? They've got schematics on half a dozen different Klingon ships." Quantum reminds him, "The stealth cruiser, Lieutenant, and nothing else." Quantum speeds up the data processing, and Reed spies the ship. He points at it, which makes the "file" open so that they can read and download all the data.
Engineering. Quantum checks on Trip's progress, and Trip says, "I feel like a chef who's just made a meal with ingredients he's never tasted." Quantum asks if he followed the instructions, and Trip confirms that he did. T'Pol comms Quantum that they're approaching the colony, and Quantum tells her to instruct Maywonderbra to locate a "binary system two-point-five light years away and set a course." T'Pol comms out, and Quantum tells Trip to mount the beacons on the grappler arms.
Enterprise cruises toward two lights -- one brighter than the other -- with a lit swirly thing around them. Quantum instructs Maywonderbra to "head for the smaller star, then the inner moon of the second planet." Archer confirms with Reed that he's plotted all the target points, and tells him to stand by. Enterprise approaches a planet. Quantum tells Trip and T'Pol that he'll meet them in the launch bay, and tells Maywonderbra to lower the beacons. The beacons are lowered. Quantum plays with some mini-viewer on the armrest of his chair and tells Hoshi to bring up specified coordinates with full magnification. A rocky mountain appears on the viewscreen, and Quantum gives the order for Maywonderbra to activate the beacons. Suddenly, the rocky crag appears to have some sort of greenish wavering ship hovering over it. Hoshi looks interested, and Maywonderbra contracts the muscles in his forehead -- a baby furrow, if you will. "Right where they're supposed to be," Quantum mutters. "Aren't we in range of their sensors, sir?" Hoshi asks. "They can see us. But they have no idea we can see through their cloak. Just keep on the same course, Travis," Quantum says. Still, wouldn't the cloaked ship be wondering what Enterprise was doing fifteen trillion miles away from the colony at this specific location? Wouldn't they start to fear that they had been discovered, and that maybe their cloak is failing? Quantum comms Reed, who tells him, "The closer the better, sir." There's a buzz at Hoshi's console, and she reports, "They're charging weapons, sir!" "Now, Mr. Reed!" Quantum orders. Reed fires a bunch of phase cannons at all four corners of the now-decloaked ship. A weapons officer reports to Reed that the mysterious ship's cloaking generator is down, and in response, Reed confirms that all four weapons banks are likewise smushed. Weapons Officer tags back that the port and starboard engines are disabled. "Okay, here's the tricky part," Reed says, as a torpedo speeds out of Enterprise and curves under the de-cloaked ship to explode on its hull.
Quantum closes the hatch of the sh'pod just as Reed comms him: "She's all yours, Captain. Good luck." Quantum passes out phase pistols to Trip and T'Pol and says, "That last shot should have sealed off the two lower decks. If Daniels is right, there shouldn't be more than twenty Suliban for us to deal with." "Is that all?" Trip smart-asses as the sh'pod takes off. Sh'pod docks onto the hull of the Suliban ship, and the three crewmembers gain entrance. Trip whispers, "Stun grenade's on a three-second delay," as he blue-light clicks something in his hand. Quantum opens a door, and Trip tosses the stun grenade in. There's an explosion, and a bunch of Suliban -- who were invisibly clinging to the ceiling -- fall to the ground, unconscious. Really cool effect, because people crawling across ceilings -- like Spiderman, or Leslie Nielsen in Dracula: Dead and Loving It -- really tend to goose me out. T'Pol holds an e-pad in front of her and nods directions. They run all over the deck, dodging Suliban fire, until they reach a room; in the room, they find some plastic disks. Reed monitors their light dots on a console and talks himself through their search and retrieval mission. Quantum pockets the disks, and they head back to the sh'pod.
Suliban run or crawl through the corridors, according to their personal preference, and T'Pol reports that they're surrounded by Suliban. Quantum tells Reed they need a little help. Reed tells him he sees the Suliban threat, and instructs them to take cover. He fires at the vessel and walls, and Suliban fall to the ground. The three amigos get back to the docking room and board their sh'pod. Trip fiddles with stuff, and Quantum asks him what the problem is. Trip says he can't release the docking clamps; Suliban descend the docking tube and start pounding on their hatch. T'Pol crouches under the hatch, her weapon aimed. Quantum orders Trip to ignite the thrusters. The sh'pod makes a lot of noise and jerks around. Quantum orders Trip to go to full power. An outside view shows the sh'pod straining to get away from a square slinky-like tube. The sh'pod finally has its way and wrenches free, taking most of the slinky tube with it and dumping a few Suliban into the atmosphere. Quantum comms the ship to set a course back to the Vulcan intercept ship, ordering Maywonderbra to jump to warp four as soon as they get aboard. Quantum looks back at T'Pol, who is trying to catch her breath, and then examines the flat plastic disks they scored.
Bridge. T'Pol explains that it took awhile, but they got the purloined disks to interface with their systems. Hoshi reports that the data shows the Suliban stealth cruiser was present when they were orbiting the Pirogie colony, and was monitoring Enterprise's every move very closely. Hoshi brings up some spy camera shots the stealth cruiser took of the ship. "I can't believe how close they got," Quantum comments. T'Pol tells him they got a lot closer than he thinks, and shows him another set of images. The Stalker Cam shows close-ups of the hull, and the sh'pod leaving the ship and jetting toward the surface. Just as long as they didn't see what Maywonderbra was doing in his cabin with that plate of beans. A few more frames shows a Suliban hex pod attaching itself to the hull of the sh'pod. "They were docked to the sh'pod for nearly two minutes," T'Pol reports. "Just long enough to slip a few menus under the door," Mathra mumbles, his mouth full of something. "Just long enough to attach this and cloak it," Quantum comments, holding up the disk they found on the sh'pod's hull. He compliments Hoshi and T'Pol on their work and tells them to keep at it; then he goes and tattles on the Suliban to Admiral Forrest.
Forrest is impressed with their detective work, and asks where they got their information. "It's all on three data disks we took from a cloaked Suliban cruiser," Quantum tells him. Forrest wants to know how he knew about the disks and how he found the cloaked ship. "I've got friends in high places," Quantum smugs. Forrest comments that "this is going to be a very interesting debriefing," and tells Quantum to get to the Vulcan intercept ship ASAP while he lets the Vulcans know what Quantum has. "I can't tell you how pleased I am, Jonathan. After all you've done, I would've hated to see this end," Forrest says. Quantum thanks him for having faith of the heart, and hangs up. See, I think Forrest is going to turn out bad. First of all, no one can act that wet and be real, and secondly, this is the only time we've seen a repeat Admiral that the captain of the Enterprise reports to. On TNG, Picard reported to a whole host of different admirals, so none of them really became recurring guest stars. I think they're going to turn Admiral Forrest into something other than what he is. I'm especially suspicious when he says he will let he Vulcans know about the information that clears Quantum's and Enterprise's name in the Pirogie Incident. What if he withholds that information and sends the Suliban after Enteprise to destroy it or take back the information? Of course, all my suspicions were generated because I think Shower Guy is starting to sound like the Admiral, even though I know that's impossible.
Apple Core Helix. Silik talks to Shower Guy about their screw up. Silik wants to blast Enterprise out of the galaxy, but Shower Guy just wants Quantum brought to him. "But we need to recover the disks," Silik protests. "Archer! You know what happened the last time you failed me," Shower Guy threatens. Silik looks scared. We don't know, but since there aren't any more of the trippy light trails in the Trippy Shower Room, I'm thinking that's what Silik had taken away from him.
Quantum tries to convince T'Pol that he was brought back ten months into his past. T'Pol's not buying it, since the Vulcan Science Directorate has concluded that time travel is "impossible." Quantum tells her, "Well, good for the Vulcan Science Directorate," and demands how else he could have known everything from the location of the cloaked ship to how to construct the quantum beacons to where the disks were located on the cloaked ship. T'Pol says, "All valid questions, but to conclude that the only answer is that you acquired this information from a dead crewman who transported you back through time is illogical." Quantum tells her to give him another alternative, but T'Pol can't. "Because there isn't one. I got a call from Trip, something about inspection pods -- it was the exact same call I got the day before they found Klang. Word for word!" Quantum blusters. T'Pol tells him that he could have been dreaming. I wish that I were dreaming this whole season, and that I'd wake up on September twenty-sixth and live through a better season with better actors and imaginative, original storylines. Quantum tells T'Pol that he never thought time travel was possible either, but he did do it and he needs T'Pol to believe him. "Why?" T'Pol asks. "Because it's hard enough trying to fathom all of this without having my Science Officer -- a colleague who I trust and rely on, the person who got me to stop feeling sorry for myself -- accusing me of being a hallucinating madman!" Quantum blithers. T'Pol observes that she doesn’t remember accusing Quantum of being anything. I think he's a cream-faced loon, but it's obvious they don't listen to my opinions. Quantum heaves his shoulders as Reed comms him that they are getting "strange readings," and maybe he should stop his subsexual sparring with the Vulcan and get his butt to the bridge.
Bridge. Reed tells Quantum that he's called Trip up to join them, as they are having problems balancing the warp field. Quantum looks at something on his armrest computer and reports that everything looks jake to him. "It's odd," Reed muses. "It'll be stable one moment and then for no reason, it will go slightly out of alignment." Trip comes on deck and asks what they're doing to his engines. T'Pol repeats the technobabble, to which Trip says that everything was fine ten minutes ago when he ran his last diagnostic. "Would that be a 'level one diagnostic'? Well, I suppose everything is 'level one' on this ship," Mathra muses. All this technodiscussion results in Quantum getting a funny feeling like when he climbs the ropes in gym, and he tells Reed to load the torpedoes and stand-by all weapons. He tells Maywonderbra to load the beacons and aim them aft. The viewscreen shows a passel of Suliban hex-pods following the ship. "Swing them down slowly," Quantum says, showing more hex-pods surrounding the ship. "Looks like we're in a swarm of cloaked bees," Trip dumb-asses. At Quantum's prompting, Reed charges the phase cannons. Hoshi reports that they're being hailed, and there's a delicious moment of tension as Quantum pauses, not wanting to know who's on the other end of the line, before he tells Hoshi to answer it.
Quantum squares his shoulders and dons The Furrowed Brow Of Meeting Doom Head-On as Silik comes on the screen. "I wouldn't advise using your weapons, Captain. Perhaps if we decloak, you'll understand why," Silik oozes. All the hex-pods decloak. But they could see them with the beacons anyway, right? Quantum turns to Reed, who tells him that the pods are "armed with high-yield particle weapons," and that he couldn't take enough out for it to make a difference before the hex-pods opened fire on them. Quantum signals for Hoshi to turn Silik back on the screen; Silik tells him that he has five minutes to get to his own docking bay and board a pod Silik is sending for him. "If you don't comply," Silik tells him, "I have permission to destroy Enterprise." Quantum asks how he's to know that Silik won't destroy his ship regardless. Silik tells him that he has his word, and only four and a half minutes left. Silik hangs up.
Quantum paces around the bridge as Maywonderbra looks pissily in Trip and Reed's direction. Quantum tells T'Pol that he's placing her in command. T'Pol rises from her position as Quantum gives her her instructions: "I advise you to maintain your present course and speed. I don't know what's going to happen, but try to keep an open mind. Especially when it comes to things the Vulcan Science Directorate says are impossible." T'Pol tells him, with just a touch too much emotion in her voice and face, "I'll try." Trip starts to tell him that this is crazy-talk, but Quantum interrupts him to say that T'Pol's in command and he'd better not go disrespecting her. "That goes for all of you," Quantum says, looking around. He pauses at the turbolift door to say, "Keep an eye on Porthos for me, wouldja?" and to Hoshi, "Remember: no cheese." "When he says, 'No cheese,' is he speaking to the writers, or is he still talking about Porthos?" Mathra wants to know, although he really needs be working on other things. With profound "last words" such as those that Quantum delivers to his crew, it's no wonder Picard, Kirk, Sisko, and Janeway never brought up their predecessor -- he's an embarrassment. Besides, I would hazard that it's Quantum that had a problem with restraint when it came to feeding the pup cheese. Quantum steps into the turbolift without a backward glance at the bridge. He furrows in the turbolift for a bit before the doors open to reveal a mess of twisted metal and other junk.
Bridge. Silik comms in to say, "Your Captain's playing a very dangerous game, Sub-Commander." "Game?" T'Pol repeats. Silik tells her, "He has thirty seconds left. Did he think I wasn't serious?" T'Pol signals Hoshi to turn off the transmission, and Trip reports that the turbolift is on E-Deck, empty. T'Pol asks where he is, and Trip tells her he's not reading his bio-signs, so he must be on the Suliban ship. At T'Pol's nod, Hoshi gets Silik back on the screen, and T'Pol tells him that Quantum is not on Enterprise, so he must be with the Suliban. "I thought he was smarter than this," Silik says. "He could have saved all of your lives. What a waste." Silik hangs up, and Maywonderbra reports that the docked hex-pod is moving away. Reed reports that it's targeting their warp core. "They're all targeting the warp core," Reed says. General looks of concern all around the bridge.
Place Of Twisted Metal And Other Junkyard Wars. Quantum wanders around and looks out a window that shows the same sort of mass destruction of a cityscape. Daniels appears from behind him and says, "Ten minutes ago, that vista was more beautiful than anything you could imagine." Quantum asks where he is. "I-I had breakfast in that room [gestures] less than half an hour ago," Daniels stutters. I think he drank coffee made from crazy beans as well. Daniels tells Quantum that he was instructed to bring Quantum there. "They told me that the timeline wouldn't be safe if you boarded that Suliban ship. Someone was very mistaken," Daniels understates. Quantum asks him where "here" is. "You're in the thirty-first century, Captain," Daniels tells him, "or what's left of it." No, he didn't ask "when," he asked "where." Quantum accuses Daniels, "You said the Suliban wouldn't follow us -- that we'd make it safely to the Vulcan ship." Daniels tells him that as far as he was told, that was correct. "So you're telling me this just happened. It doesn't look like it just happened!" Quantum grinds out, looking at the ruined city. Daniels agrees that it looks like it happened a long time ago. "If bringing me here caused this, then send me back. I'll take my chances with Silik," Quantum says. Daniels explains to him, "Y-you don't understand. All our equipment, the time portals have been destroyed. Everything's been destroyed. There's no way to send you back." Quantum steps forward and looks out the blasted window. The camera pulls back to show him as one tiny object in a huge ruined cityscape. Even though we didn't really need them, words appear to tell us, "To be continued."
See y'all season, for more cheese stuffed down your throat than you can shake a stick at.