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Trip and Quantum bedouin down with a sheik and trade off doing scenes from Ishtar and Snake Pit, when they're not replaying the volleyball scene from Top Gun. Yeah, that volleyball scene. After the Dynamic Don't hike across parts of Tatooine, T'Pol gets worried and calls them home, only to discover they've landed themselves in terroristy caste-systemy conflict in a hot, sandy, deserty sort of place. Hmm, what does that remind me of? Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Quantum's log cabin. He mentions that "after a brief detour, [they're] back on course for Risa." As Porthos watches him pack his stuff into a water polo bag, Quantum babbles about the place on Risa he's pre-selected to hang out on with his bikini-clad books. He starts to say he might do some diving when he's interrupted by a comm from T'Pol, telling him they've picked up a distress signal. Quantum orders her to alter course to intercept the distressed vessel, and tells Porthos his "walk on the beach" will still be but a dream. Poor Porthos whimpers and lies back down on his bed, thinking, as he really has to go pee, that he'll just go on Quantum's pillow. Aw, baby, come live with us -- we won't neglect you!
Spend'st thou thy fury on some worthless song.
Quantum walks the corridors with a taller, curlier, broader bloke in sweeping veils and robes and explains what was wrong with his craft. The taller, curlier, broader bloke --who's got a tattoo dribbling all around his chin to denote his alienity -- thanks Quantum sincerely for his and his Chief Engineer's trouble. Quantum tells him it was no trouble and that Trip was thrilled to "tinker with alien engines." Osama Bin Dribblin' asks Quantum if they answer every distress call they come across, and Quantum modestly tells him that they try to tamper with as many people as they possibly can. "The galaxy could use more people like you," Osama Bin Dribblin' says, slapping Quantum on the back. They enter the shuttle bay, where Trip's going at the alien pod with a blow-torch. Suddenly, Osama Bin Dribblin' becomes infected with this massive Indian-Latino-Hebrew-Kramer-doing-Moviefone accent. We had to rewind this transition several times to be sure, but indeed, Clancy Brown goes from having simply a bassy resonating voice to the bastard child of a triumvirate of Watto from The Phantom Menace, John Rhys-Davies in all the Indiana Jones movies, and Brian Blessed in just about anything you'd care to name, but especially as Boss Nass. I mean, it's a great voice, but it's really weird that he didn't have it for the first forty seconds of the show, and because of that, Mathra couldn't stop giggling every time the man opened his mouth. Osama Bin Dribblin' insists that Trip and Quantum pay a visit to his planet so he can thank them properly. Quantum tries to get out of it by saying they're holding tickets for Risa, but when Osama Bin Dribblin' tells Quantum he's offended easily AND that there's a Geskana match happening, Cpt. Spineless gives in. He probably thinks Geskana is akin to water polo. Dork. Osama Bin Dribblin' tells them to dress for warm weather.
The alien pod leaves. In Engineering, Trip tells Quantum that he'd rather not accompany him on this little jaunt. Quantum expresses surprise, as Trip is usually quite the eager beaver when it comes to away missions. Trip tells him he's got a lot of work and he hates the desert. "You know how it sucks the life outta me," Trip whines. Quantum asks, "Well, what about the two weeks we spent in Australia?" "Survival training in the Outback? Drinking recycled sweat and eatin' snake meat? That's your idea of a great time?" Trip asks. Quantum chuckles and says it's not going to be like that this time. "This time we get to drink our pee!" Mathra chimes in. "I get the feeling Zobral's a man who likes to indulge his guests," Quantum says. Yes, yes, he does. Before he EATS them! Quantum cajoles Trip a bit more, even playing to his jealousy by saying he'll bring Reed along instead. "But I was hoping you'd enjoy a little time with your captain," Quantum pouts. "Dude, the man was telepathically linked to you through mountains of snot last week, what more do you want?" Mathra mutters. And another thing, what is with Quantum using that same line he used on T'Pol in "Shadows of P'Jem"? Kinda creepy if you ask me. Trip gives in, after receiving an assurance that he doesn't have to eat snake meat. Considering that they're going down to a completely alien planet, I'd think that snake meat might be manna compared to what they might get served.
Sandcastle City. Sh'pod veers in for landing, and Trip looks out the window. "Man, it's hotter'n hell out there. Forty-one degrees!" he whines from under the brim of his black Enterprise baseball cap. Yes, please put an anvil in the pencil sharpener in order to write out one hundred times that the world FINALLY went metric in the future after all my school teachers made us memorize those completely useless conversions. Quantum tells Trip, "It's a dry heat." Dry heave is more like it. Quantum pops the sh'pod door open, and they step onto Tatooine. Osama Bin Dribblin' and his entourage -- all wearing cloaks over their heads -- are just making their way over their landing dune to greet them. Osama Bin Dribblin' introduces Trip to his entourage as being "a brilliant engineer." Trip aw-shucks that it was just a "coupla clogged injectors." Osama Bin Dribblin' hopes they're hungry, because he's prepared a massive feast. Gratuitous shot of another cloaked Chin Dribblin' leading some goats around the dunes.
Chez Bin Dribblin'. The humans and Osama Bin Dribblin' compare notes on how much sand Earth has compared to Alien Planet Of The Week. Trip tells us that two-thirds of Earth is water. Now, that's something the critics overlook about Enterprise. Not only is it a space show with great visual effects and all the stars running around in their undies, but you can actually learn from it as well! Does WGBH know about this? Quantum is quite taken with the food, and tells their host that when he and Trip did survival training in Australia, they didn't eat so well. Trip chuckles and says, "We must've lost about three kilos during that last week. The heat always takes away my appetite." Yeah, I feel that way, too. Except that it's more like death that takes away my appetite. Quantum looks affectionately at Trip and comments that his appetite doesn't seem affected this time around. Trip says, "I guess I'm gettin' acclimated." Throughout this scene, I kept expecting Osama Bin Dribblin' to grab food from Quantum's mouth and say, "Bad dates." They talk about Enterprise's mission and how difficult it is to adjust to new lifeforms without playing God to their civilizations. To Osama Bin Dribblin''s question, Quantum says there was only one occurrence when he thought about turning the ship around and going back. And that's because Reed and Trip wouldn't stop poking each other in the backseat. But Quantum doesn't feel like getting into family issues with Osama Bin Dribblin', so he just tells him that they met some aggressive aliens with more firepower. "Sounds like you've had an eventful journey," Osama Bin Dribblin' says. "It's had its share of surprises," Quantum admits. "Well, perhaps your visit here will be one of them!" Osama Bin Dribblin' says, raising his silver cup of Yalasat wine. All three clink their cups.
Some Chin Dribblin' servants bring in more food, and Osama Bin Dribblin' chortles, "Oh, you're going to enjoy this!" and passes the plates around. Trip says, "It looks delicious, what is it?" Chilled monkey brains. "Blood soup!" Osama Bin Dribblin' tells him. Trip and Quantum do a quick take. "I don't usually eat this well," Osama Bin Dribblin' says, "but I promised your captain an exceptional meal." Trip pulls two marble-sized objects out of the soup and asks, "What are these little chunks?" "The essence of the male. Chopped and seasoned," Osama Bin Dribblin' gurgles, scooping two into his mouth with flatbread. Didn't I say that snake meat would be peach pie compared to other things they might have to chew up? Trip tentatively eats one and quickly gulps some wine. Quantum looks ill as he holds the male essence in his mouth. He looks around the room -- like he's looking for a place to spit it out without anyone noticing -- and comments thickly on the "beautiful tapestries" hanging on the walls. Osama Bin Dribblin' asks him which he prefers; Quantum indicates one -- even though it's clear he was just admiring them for conversation's sake -- and Osama Bin Dribblin' tells him it's his to keep. Quantum demurs, but Osama Bin Dribblin' insists. Quantum tells him he wouldn't have anywhere to hang it, so Osama Bin Dribblin' offers him something smaller. He grabs a metal-worked statue from a table and says, "I know you will appreciate this. A Suliban made it. A Suliban I met several years ago. Interesting people, don't you agree?" Quantum examines the piece of art and thanks Osama Bin Dribblin' without asking why he thinks Quantum especially would appreciate it. Outside, someone blows a horn of Gondor and Osama Bin Dribblin' announces, "Ah, the Geskana match is about to begin. I am hoping you will honor us by participating." Shouldn't they wait half an hour first? Trip whines, "Now? I just ate half a teracaq." Osama Bin Dribblin' tells him he'll be glad he did, as Geskana requires much strength, and slams the rest of his wine.
Dunes. A clear blue ball hurtles through the sky, and a Chin Dribblin' dives to catch it in his lacrosse-type stick. As soon as the ball lands in the cup of the stick, it turns yellow. Cool. Quantum and Trip stand on the sidelines, wearing their RayBans, and watch. It's definitely a more abusive form of lacrosse. Osama Bin Dribblin' slams his large chest into another player and slings the ball through a hole in a metal disk. As the ball zips through the hole, it looks like it either explodes or just goes through a force-field into a waiting cup. Think the writers read much Harry Potter? Osama Bin Dribblin' asks if Quantum and Trip are ready to participate. Trip thinks they can give it a shot even if, as Quantum comments, "I don't think we'll win any trophies." We get that you're Cpt. Competitive, but does everything have to be about winning? Two Chin Dribblin's give them each a lacrosse stick as Trip and Quantum strip off their already pit-stained khaki superfine shirts. I hope they put on, like, SPF 3000, because that planet looks like you could get melanoma even when you're inside.
Enterprise bridge. The crew gets a call from the city on the other side of the desert. A Chin Dribblin' wants to know why they sent a sh'pod to the surface, and T'Pol explains that they were invited. "By whom?" Chin Dribblin' wants to know. T'Pol tells him, "A man named Zobral. And you are?" "Chancellor Trellit," Chin Dribblin' says. "Why are you in contact with this man?" T'Pol explains the broken-down ship and subsequent offer of hospitality. This is where we find out that they will most likely never see Trip or Quantum again. Oh, what dreams may come…
Dunes. Geskana Match. The game scene is pretty awesome, even if so much of it is CGIs and oddly slo-mo'd, and I do have to say that Quantum and Trip's bare chests do not make me want to remove my eyes with a corkscrew and wash them in my glass of Fumé Blanc. Maybe because compared to their naked-ish scenes on the ship, they aren't as pale as pasteurized milk here. It appears that the ball changes from blue to yellow in your lacrosse cup thing, depending on what team you play for. And by "team," I actually do mean that literally and not the way Slash Sleuths might think. The anvil sits on the sidelines pumping pom-poms and cheers for how well Quantum and Trip work together as teammates. Bleh. After Osama Bin Dribblin' blocks Quantum's attempt on goal, the Geskaners break for half-time. "Two centimeters to the right and you woulda had it," Trip says. "time I'll set you up with a no-look pass," Quantum says, slapping him on the shoulder. Um, sunburn? So, ouch! While Trip seems untouched by the game, the makeup crew saw fit to anoint Quantum with a red slash across his chest to show how aggressive he was in the game. God, where's that damn wine bottle?
T'Pol comms Quantum to alert him to the fact that he's playing around with a dangerous terrorist warlord. "They're responsible for numerous civilian attacks within the city," T'Pol says. Like a dolt, Quantum tells T'Pol that they don't "seem" like terrorists. No one seems like a terrorist; that's what makes their terrorizing so effective, Cpt. Pea Brain. T'Pol suggests they return to the ship until they determine who and what Osama Bin Dribblin' and his crew are. Quantum casts a backward glance at Osama Bin Dribblin', who's conferring with one of his cloaked men, and tells T'Pol they're on their way. Osama Bin Dribblin' walks over to Quantum and tells him he hopes everything is all right, but Quantum makes up some technobabble lie about why they're needed back on the ship. Trip asks if they can stay to finish the quarter, but Quantum goes into some more technobabble, and finally Trip catches on. Osama Bin Dribblin' argues with him, telling him they must have other people to fix the problem, and again mentions how easily he is offended. Man, what a passive-aggressive warlord. Quantum promises to return if they have time. "You should not believe the Torothans!" Osama Bin Dribblin' bellows, slamming his stick to the ground. Quantum and Trip just look at him, and Osama Bin Dribblin' tells them that he was informed about a "lengthy transmission" between Enterprise and Chancellor Trellit. "Whatever he told your Science Officer, it is not true!" Osama Bin Dribblin' yells. His tone of voice really isn't going far to convince me that he's not a dangerous and violent mass murderer. Osama Bin Dribblin' moderates his voice and says, "I wanted this to wait until later, but I beg you, let me explain the real reason why I asked you here." Quantum is about to protest, but Osama Bin Dribblin' continues, "You have a reputation for being fair, a man of great integrity. When you hear what I am about to say, I am certain you will want to help us." He appeals so effectively to Quantum's obvious vanity that Quantum agrees to listen and doesn't even bother to ask HOW in the galaxy he would have achieved a reputation on this planet in the FEW SHORT MONTHS HE'S BEEN IN SPACE. In space, no one can hear the bullshit.
Chez Osama Bin Dribblin'. Osama takes a yellow tunic from a Chin Dribblin' and presents it to Quantum and Trip. "It's called a yrott. The word means 'to stand apart.' When we lived in the cities, we were forced to wear these whenever we walked in public," Osama Bin Dribblin' explains. Quantum supposes that "those days are over." Osama says, "When the caste system was finally abolished, we were led to believe that everyone would be treated equally. I remember the celebrations, yrotts being burned in the streets [like bras, but I think the image the writers are going for is the Nazi-issued yellow Stars of David], people saying that we had finally been granted our rights. The Torothan Clan signed the Accord, but they never abided by it. They still control the government, the lands, the resources, everything! We spent ten years staging protests, appealing to the courts, until finally we realized there was only one way to get their attention. We have hundreds of camps just like this one all across the desert. And we are going to keep attacking the Torothans until our voices are heard. They call us terrorists but the truth is they have been terrorizing us for centuries." And Contrivance, cracking open a bottle of Gaza Strip Stout, makes himself comfortable on my printer.
Quantum asks why Osama's telling him all this, and Osama explains that the Torothans have ten times the fighting power they do, and they won't last without Quantum's help. Trip looks weirded out, and Quantum doesn't see how a team of explorers can help a warlord. Osama Bin Dribblin' laughs and says, "They said you would be humble. But I scanned your vessel -- you have an arsenal of powerful weapons. But more importantly, I need your wisdom." Again, Quantum takes the compliment and doesn't ask who the hell "they" are who are telling Osama Bin Dribblin' such blithering drivel. Osama goes on to say that they need Quantum as a strategizer, and that he and all of his men would be "honored" to fight alongside him. Here, Osama Bin Dribblin' bows his head. This episode is my worst nightmare -- all of Quantum's self-importance about how other civilizations should comport themselves legitimized by Osama Bin Dribblin'. Distant explosions sound, and Trip asks, "What the hell was that?" Osama Bin Dribblin' explains, "Torothan cruisers, usually they begin their bombardment after dark. They're getting started early today." Osama Bin Dribblin' takes down a fake tapestry to reveal a stash of weapons, and a bunch of Chin Dribblin's come in to collect them. Quantum speaks up, saying he doesn't know what Osama Bin Dribblin' has heard about him, but he thinks he's been misled. "Thinks"?? Osama Bin Dribblin' asks, "What about the Suliban?" Quantum plays dumb. "You liberated a detention camp -- freed thousands of prisoners," Osama Bin Dribblin' tells him. Trip wants to know who told him that, and Osama Bin Dribblin' tells him that a Suliban transport captain told him all about "a great warrior" who defeated an entire army. Neither Quantum nor Trip have gone out of their way to correct his math and enlighten him that it was only about eighty prisoners they liberated; plus, it wasn't all Quantum's doing. A Chin Dribblin' comes in to inform his leader, sans the Watto-Rhys-Davies-Blessed accent, that two Torothan cruisers are in their midst. Osama Bin Dribblin' tells him to prepare his ship, informs Quantum and Trip that this attack won't last more than a few hours, and ushers them into a basement hole. Trip says they'd rather return to their ship, but Osama Bin Dribblin' tells him their thrusters would draw the Torothan fire. Osama insists on them taking cover, saying, "I wouldn't be a very good host if I allowed you to get killed." Well, that depends on who you're being a host to, I guess. For instance, if he were hosting me and he let them get killed…
Enterprise. Reed informs all and sundry of the strafing going on, and T'Pol instructs Hoshi to get the Captain on the phone. All they get back is static, and Hoshi reports that the whole area is flooded by jamming signals. Mulch-weather says, "Well, we can't just leave them down there. What about the transporter?" Reed says he can't isolate their bio-signs, and offers to take a sh'pod down to fetch them himself. T'Pol negates that idea, reminding him of the current assault, and tells Hoshi to call Chancellor Trellit.
Hole in floorboards of Chez Osama Bin Dribblin'. Quantum tries unsuccessfully to contact Enterprise as Trip gives him a cup of water from a barrel in the corner. Trip stretches and complains about the drubbing he received at the Geskana match. More explosions; sand showers down on them. Trip asks, "So does the 'great warrior' have any ideas about how we're gettin' outta here?" Quantum doesn't say anything, and Trip asks him incredulously if he's really thinking of staying to help Osama Bin Dribblin'. Quantum tells him he was thinking of the Suliban he liberated and how, if he hadn't been so liberating, they wouldn't be in this mess. Trip comments, "T'Pol's ears must be burning." Does that count as an ear joke? More explosions and sand showers. Trip recommends that they "walk away" from this one. "They lured us down here under false pretenses and now they're asking us to help 'em fight a war? That's a lot different than breaking a few innocent people outta prison," Trip says. Quantum mentions that Osama Bin Dribblin' doesn't seem to be one who takes no for an answer. Right then, another explosion causes a good part of the ceiling to fall in on them. Trip and Quantum decide to leave. It's suddenly night, and Chez Osama Bin Dribblin' lies in ruins around them. Trip says he'd rather take his chances out in the desert than in the besieged Sandcastle Village. Quantum says, "I thought you hated the desert!" "Not tonight," Trip replies. They go to the sh'pod to retrieve supplies and set off across the night-swept dunes. How can anyone with two-tenths of a brain cell think that setting off across the desert, at night, to destinations unknown, with no real plan as to why you're setting off across the desert to destinations unknown, is a good idea? It seems like they would stand a better chance at survival by taking the sh'pod and attempting to get Enterprise to notice them and then provide cover fire. Quantum and Trip take one last look at the Sandcastles Under Fire and take off.
Enterprise. T'Pol tells Chancellor Trellit that he didn't tell her they'd be attacking the Sandcastle Village, and Trellit responds by saying that she assured him her people would be leaving the village. T'Pol explains that Quantum wanted to talk to Osama Bin Dribblin' before returning to the ship. "Interesting," Trellit comments, and asks where they are now. T'Pol tells him they have no clue, but if he would stop attacking the Sandcastle Village for a minute, they could launch a search party. Trellit tells her that's not going to happen, because he believes they are sending people down to aid the terrorists. T'Pol says they aren't, and will leave as soon as they find Quantum and Trip, but Trellit doesn't believe her and tells her that if she attempts to send another sh'pod, they'll consider it an act of war. Trellit hangs up. Reed reports a loss of sensor contact with the surface.
Sunrise on the dunes. R2-D2 and C-3PO walk on the highest, and therefore most sun-drenched, part of the dunes. Trip-PO pants that Enterprise should have spotted them by now. "We're down here!" he calls up to the sky. Quantum snarks that he's going to have to raise his voice a bit. Trip asks if they're going the right way. For what? "It was east of the camp and we're heading east," Quantum tells him. Trip asks how far. "About thirty kilometers," Quantum tells him. Trip asks what they do if they find more of Osama Bin Dribblin''s men inside, but Quantum assures him that "it looked abandoned." Trip wheezes that he didn't see anything but sand. "That's because you forgot your survival training," Quantum chides him. "Take a good look, on your way in, at your surroundings." Trip asks, "Didn't they also say something about only walking at night? Can't we wait until it cools down a little?" Quantum tells him it won't cool down for eight or nine hours, and they need to find shelter. Trip begs for rest, clearly on the edge of heat exhaustion. He falls to his knees, and Quantum joins him. They have a water break, and Trip comments, "To cherry-flavored snow cones. What I wouldn't give for one right about now." Trip looks around and thinks he hears something, like a ship. "I think the heat's getting to you," Quantum comments. Trip denies that and tells Quantum to listen. He points in the direction he thinks the sound is coming from, and Quantum suddenly looks concerned. He pulls Trip to his feet as Trip asks if it's a sh'pod. "No," Quantum says ominously, "something much bigger." We get shot of clear blue sky and an alien vessel whizzing overhead. Down on the dunes, we don't see the two droids anymore. Oh, but wait, the sand moves suddenly as Trip and Quantum dig themselves out of their clever hiding place.
Enterprise Situation Room. Reed shows T'Pol the range of the planet's dispersion field and tells her he can get readings if he disables three of the satellites. T'Pol doesn't like that idea, saying it would only provoke the Torothans, and tells him to find a less blowing-things-up solution. Hoshi looks at T'Pol and asks, "Why Montana?" T'Pol just looks at her, not comprehending. Hoshi wants to know why the Vulcans chose Bozeman, Montana of all places as the point of their first contact with the humans. "Humanity's first warp drive was developed there, it seemed the logical place to begin," T'Pol explains. "Well, how did they know it wouldn't alarm other nations? An alien species makes contact with the United States -- it could've made a lot of other countries nervous," Hoshi says. "I agree. Pat Buchanan does make a lot of other countries nervous," Mathra says through a jowlful of peanut butter. T'Pol asks Hoshi what her point is, and Hoshi explains that it's the same as their current situation. "We get invited to dinner and before you know it, we're accused of taking sides in a war," she says. T'Pol says that first contact with other civilizations is always risky, but the Vulcan High Command has strict protocols for them to follow to avoid these types of situations. "Eventually, Captain Archer will have to create some directives of his own," T'Pol says. Really? "Directives"? And what kind of directives would those be, exactly? Not composite, but…PRIME?
The Dunes of Tatooine. Trip is having serious issues with the heat and the sun and the pit stains. He falls on his face, starts hallucinating, and tells Quantum he's freezing until Quantum finally says, "Heat exhaustion," and makes him drink some water. Trip drains his own bag, and Quantum forces him to drink some of his as well. Trip weakly protests, but Quantum orders him to do it. Trip still protests until Quantum says, "Take the water or I'll knock you on your ass and pour it down your throat!" "Knock him on his ass! Knock him on his ass!" Mathra chants, bouncing on the couch. Trip drinks, and Quantum hoists him up and drags him along.
Enterprise. Reed reports that Osama Bin Dribblin' is approaching them in a vessel. Hoshi says he's hailing them. "Open your launch doors, quickly!" Osama Bin Dribblin' grunts. T'Pol asks if Trip and Quantum are with him. "No, no, I'll explain once I'm aboard," Osama Bin Dribblin' says. "Where are they?" T'Pol demands. "If I'm not in your docking bay in the thirty seconds, I'll be detected -- they'll destroy my ship!" Osama Bin Dribblin' answers.
In the shuttle bay, Osama Bin Dribblin' asks Reed, "How many?!" "Eighty-nine, there were only eighty-nine Suliban, not thousands," Reed says. "Hmm," Osama Bin Dribblin' rumbles. "And the army you defeated?" "I would hardly call it an army, it was more like a few dozen prison guards," Reed says, "and to be honest, the whole plan was my idea, so you really should have kidnapped me, not that fool of a captain." Since Mathra was attempting to explain his math to me at that point, it's possible that Reed really said that the army didn't put up much of a fight instead of that last bit. T'Pol says that while Quantum is "an excellent starship captain," he's hardly the Jedi knight Osama Bin Dribblin''s been led to believe. T'Pol's shown us before that Vulcans can lie. Osama Bin Dribblin' asks about Quantum's "legendary desert tactics," and Reed explains that he's the tactical officer on the ship and he has no experience in desert warfare. Where's Norman Schwarzkopf when you really need him?
Osama Bin Dribblin' gripes that all his trouble has been for nothing, and T'Pol asks what about their people. Osama Bin Dribblin' tells her that they have better sensors that he does, so he's certain they'll find them soon. T'Pol responds to his lack of concern by reminding him that the Torothans are jamming their sensors to the point of uselessness. "And the Torothans are threatening to fire on us if we launch a shuttle pod," T'Pol finishes. Reed wants to know how Osama Bin Dribblin' reached them undetected. "There was a narrow gap in their orbital detection grid. It occurs once every forty-six minutes, but it is only open for less than one minute," Osama Bin Dribblin' informs them. Reed says he's going to need all the data on that grid; Osama Bin Dribblin' laughs, saying he's going to need a lot more than that: "The maneuvers are extremely difficult -- it took us years to learn them!" Reed snips that he's "a quick study," but Osama Bin Dribblin' tells him he'll be blasted out of the sky before he reaches the atmosphere. "With you at the helm, our chances would improve," T'Pol states, but Osama Bin Dribblin' says he doesn't have time; his men are waiting for him. Reed tells him tough noogies, as he's the reason Trip and Quantum are lost in the desert. Osama Bin Dribblin' bellows that they aren't his responsibility, and starts to go down to his sh'pod. T'Pol stops him, saying, "You are mistaken. The Torothans believe we've joined your cause. If Captain Archer and Commander Tucker are apprehended, they'll undoubtedly be treated as members of your clan. They will become victims of the same oppression you've been fighting all these years. You should feel as responsible for those two men as you do for your own."
Tatooweenie dunes. Quantum struggles under Trip's nearly dead weight and points out a shack in the distance. They press on until they finally reach it and collapse inside. Quantum eases Trip down and looks around at their new digs, which could probably do with a smidgen of Vern Yip's touch, until he spies a water barrel and ladle. He examines it, and Trip pants out, "I hope you're not planning to hog that all for yerself." Quantum sniffs the water and makes a face. He staggers back to Trip and tells him, "The water's off the menu." Shouldn't they have water purification tablets as a part of the survival gear in the sh'pod? "Now this is my idea of a good time," Trip sighs. Oh, that Trip and his kooky sense of humor -- what a card!
So for exactly thirty seconds, my lovely local UPN station goes black, and when we rejoin the program, Trip is saying, "Whaja do? Rub two sticks together?" It's possible that all that happened is that some commercial wasn't cued up properly, rather than me actually missing the show, because the call sign of the station and name of the show are both at the bottom of the screen. Anyway, there's a fire, and Trip's not sure how it happened. Quantum, ladling previously-contaminated water into their boda bags, tells Trip he "found a new use for the stun setting." Not exactly the Eagle Scouts, but it'll do. Soon they'll learn they can use rocks for heat the same way -- especially when they find themselves marooned for the night on a sub-zero planet after some Red Shirt screws up the transporters with the pesky Plot Contrivance he brings back to the ship, clinging to his shirt. Quantum brings the bag of water over to Trip, saying he's boiled away anything that can hurt them. I hope he let the water cool down first. Trip refuses the water, saying he's not thirsty. "Let's not get into that argument again," Quantum says, pushing the bag in his face. Trip drinks a little and spits it out. "Worse than blood soup," he pants. Quantum forces the water on him again, but Trip tells him he needs to sleep. Quantum tells him he's got a fever, his heart's racing, he's got all the symptoms of heatstroke, and if he goes to sleep, he may not wake up again. Trip says, "That sounds nice." Boy, have I had days like that. Quantum tells him, "When we get back to Enterprise, you can sleep all you want, but right now you gotta stay with me and drink this water. If I had a needle I'd give it to you intravenously, but I don't." He makes Trip sit up and drink the water. Trip drinks, makes faces, and coughs. Quantum resituates himself and notices Trip's closed eyes, so he pokes him and makes him stay awake. "The warp reactor, break it down for me," Quantum says. "I wanna rock right now, I'm Rob Base and I came to get down. I'm not internationally known, but I'm known throughout the microphone!" Mathra starts beat-boxing in Hunca Munca's face, who looks at him warily with one eye before going back to sleep on a sheaf of quaternion ring calculations. Trip doesn't get what's going on, so Quantum tells him to name the eight major components. "You gotta be kiddin' me," Trip slurs. "Name them, that's an order!" Quantum says. That's his answer to everything, isn't it? "Well, there's the drumsticks, thighs, wings -- you got anything to eat around here?" Trip asks. Quantum tells him he doesn't, but promises that once they get back to Enterprise, he'll have Chef (DRINK!) make him a dinner he'll never forget. "What wouldja like? Anything," Quantum says. "Not snake meat!" Trip pleads. "No, Chef [DRINK!] doesn't do snake meat very well," Quantum concedes, and encourages Trip to tell him what he wants. "Prime rib. Mashed potatoes with mushroom gravy -- the kind he makes Wednesday nights," Trip says. Quantum nudges Trip in the arm to wake him up and asks what kind of vegetables he wants. "Broccoli!" Trip splutters. "Doesn't he mean Barclay?" Mathra wants to know. "Dessert?" Quantum asks. "Pee-con pie," Trip says. Of course.
An Enterprise sh'pod zips down, shining a spotlight over the darkened dunes. In the cockpit, Osama Bin Dribblin' tells Reed to "take another pass over the Eastern Basin," but T'Pol says their sensors would have detected them. "No, there's magnetic deposits below that basin, they could be masking their bio-signs," Osama Bin Dribblin' tells her. Reed gripes about increasing their altitude to speed up their search, but Osama Bin Dribblin' tells him they'd be detected that way.
Dune Shack. Quantum gives Trip more water and looks worried. He asks Trip if he knows how to play "Geography." Trip doesn't. Quantum explains the rules. We all know the rules, so I'm not going to explain them, and if some of y'all don't, I'm still not going to explain it. Anyway, Quantum counters Trip's "Draylax" with "Xanadu," and Trip tries to tell him it's not a real place, but then he starts coughing and Quantum makes him drink more water. That's a good way to win the game -- cough to death. Suddenly, there's an explosion and Trip says, deliriously, "All right, whatever you say, Xanadu's fine!" Quantum looks out a peephole and sees something being launched at them. "Get your head down!" he yells at Trip, who doesn't get it, so Quantum jumps at him and pulls his head down as the shack is attacked. Quantum drags Trip out of their shack and into the open air. See, that made no sense to me. Just like when they set off across the desert, why would they risk it out in the open like that? Their bio-signs are going to be detected wherever they go.
Sh'pod. Reed says he's picking up weapons fire on the surface, and after ascertaining that Osama Bin Dribblin' doesn't have any settlements near there, T'Pol orders Reed to set a course and prepare to return fire. Osama Bin Dribblin' and Reed look at her. God, they're dumb. "I believe they've located the Captain and Commander Tucker," T'Pol says.
Dunes. Mortars destroy the shack completely and Quantum and Trip fall to the ground in the wake of the report. Quantum drags Trip along.
Sh'pod. Reed says, "I've got a lock." T'Pol tells him to fire. The sh'pod fires and destroys something in the distance. Osama Bin Dribblin' grins. T'Pol announces that she's located two humans, and Reed sets in their course.
Dunes. Quantum and Trip stagger around. "I'm jest slowin' you down -- go," Trip says. "I don't remember taking orders from you," Quantum replies. They're flooded by a bright light, and Quantum whips out his phase pistol until he recognizes one of his own sh'pods. He drags Trip a few more feet, and T'Pol pops open the door. She helps pull Trip in and a hand reaches out for Quantum; he looks up to see Osama Bin Dribblin' pulling him in. T'Pol immediately starts giving Trip water and Osama Bin Dribblin' hands a bag to Quantum, who nods at Reed to take off.
Enterprise. Osama Bin Dribblin' walks to the shuttle bay with T'Pol and a tanned-but-not-as-blistery-burned-as-he-should-be-after-spending-that-amount-of-time-in-the-sun Quantum, and says his launch window opens in nine minutes. "I hope Commander Tucker is going to be all right," he says. Quantum replies, "I doubt I'll ever convince him to set foot on another desert, but he'll be fine." Osama Bin Dribblin' drapes his cloak over his head, and Quantum says, "Even if I were the warrior you thought I was, that's not why we're out here." Osama Bin Dribblin' nods, grabs his hand and T'Pol's, and goes to his sh'pod. Walking through the corridors with Quantum, T'Pol says, "What you told him was correct. Decisions to get involved in the conflicts of other worlds should be left to governments and not starship captains." Quantum sighs, "I know. The irony is, I have a feeling his cause is worth fighting for." How brilliant to have such a feeling for something when you know less than fifty percent of the full story.