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Whole lotta Star Trek power going on in this episode -- from Balok to Excedrin PM to Neelix, they're all wearing the Big Lobes. In yet another way they managed to keep Hoshi and May-Weep-No-More-My-Lady from uttering even one solitary line, the whole crew is knocked out by some kind of gas (I'm telling you, it's not just a running theme, this theme friggin' gallops!) save for Trip, who runs around in his Tick Underoos saying "Yippee-ki-yay, mother-trekker!" armed with a hypospray. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
The show opens and there's a shot of Enterprise hanging wamperjawed in space. This is how we know that There Is Something Wrong. Four Ferengi -- speaking in untranslated Ferengese -- observe the hung starship from a distance before attaching their scarab-like ship to its side.
Mathra scoops Poppadum up and waltzes around the room with her to the theme song until she takes a swipe at his nose.
Wearing masks over their mouths and noses, the Ferengi board Enterprise, where the whole crew appears to be knocked out -- if their lying-around-on-the-floor postures is anything to go by. One Ferengi stoops to measure one of the humans' ears with his fingers and seems to be making a derisive comment in Ferengese. In Engineering, two Ferengi collapse a device, oozing with vapor -- we can assume this is the stuff that put everyone to sleep -- and observe T'Pol lying on the ground. Noting the shape of her ears, one Ferengi strokes them and goes into minor paroxysms of ecstasy. He's remonstrated by the other Ferengi, and they leave Engineering. In a turbolift, a Ferengi checks some readings and, satisfied by what he reads, takes off his mask, as do the others. Now, we gotta think that B&B are just taking the piss here, because they know that their fans will know that the Ferengi really aren't anything to be afraid of. Right? Right.
Sporting his Tick Underoos, Trip has draped his carcass over some light source on the floor of the DeCon chamber -- ankles daintily crossed -- just chillin' out. "Doc, innit my time up yet?" he calls. No answer. He gets up and knocks on the closed viewer window. I have a question -- well, I have several, but we'll just start with this one and see how much energy I have left. Why is he even wearing the Underoos? Not that I want him totally nekkid, but if the reasoning for being scantily clad in DeCon is so all the space buggies get vaporized away, shouldn't you be completely nude to do a thorough job of it? I'm just asking. There's no response to me or to Trip, so he goes to the comm panel and says, "You said twennie minnits. It's bin at least an hour. I'm gittin' a little well-done in here." The camera pans to show Phlox in Sick Bay. Since I believe the DeCon chamber is not near Sick Bay but adjacent to the shuttle bay, I'm thinking that when Trip pressed the comm button, he was calling Sick Bay, and that's why, while he's yapping, our POV is there. There's still no answer, so he does the only obvious thing and shorts the fuse so the door opens. He runs around the ship, sees all his snoozing comrades, and checks the pulse on quite a few. Just an excuse to make him squat in those Mighty Tight Panties of his.
As the looting continues in Sick Bay, one of the Ferengi tries to open the bouncing cage of Phlox's Pyrithian bat, but it screeches and alarms the Ferengi, who jumps back and hurriedly slaps the lid back on. Trip observes all this from a ladder up a shaft.
Elsewhere, other Ferengi spend the ten minutes looting everything from the ship that's not nailed down. And a few things that are. The brief time they spend on the bridge shows Reed slumped over his station and Mayweather slumped over his. But alas, poor Mayweather! While Reed's dopey face mugs at the camera -- so we can all dwell on his pink lips -- Mayweather's is turned fully away. In a crewman's cabin, one Ferengi (from the bugging eyes, it's Clint Howard, I believe) roots through a closet, pulls out a pair of boots, and smells the interior. Sitting down, he scuffs off one of his boots to reveal purple, red, green, and yellow striped socks (hee -- I really dig those socks) and measures the boot against his stocking foot. In the cargo hold, we get a shot of Hoshi, T'Pol, and other women stored with the rest of the loot.
Still not having found the time to get dressed, Trip flips on a viewscreen, which is tuned to a view of the bridge, and observes the Ferengi hijacking Quantum. The Ferengi handcuff Quantum to something and bring him around with a hypospray. Quantum mutters at them in English while the Ferengi modulate their Universal Translator. English finally prevails, but when Quantum attempts to stand up, Clint Howard smashes him in the gut with his weapon. After some introductory dialogue, in which the Ferengi refuse to reveal their species, the head Ferengi demands to be led to the ship's vault. Quantum tries to explain that Enterprise is an exploratory ship and doesn't carry valuables, so the Ferengi smack him around for his trouble. Quantum bites the big one. That is, he bites a blood packet and says, "Whoever you are, just take what you want and get off my ship." One of the Ferengi whimpers, "Cousin, maybe we should. We've made some good acquisitions already." The Clint Howard Ferengi thinks Quantum is hiding something, while a third agrees with "Krem" and thinks they should take what they've got and make like a tree. Clint Ferengi argues that what they have really isn't worth much, just as Quantum spies Trip watching them from above. "Don't forget about the females, some of them are worth their weight in latinum," Krem says. "If we leave now we can make the slave market on Stameris." "'Slave market'?" Quantum repeats. The head Ferengi, played by Ethan "Nelix" Phillips, eyes Quantum with interest and says, "You're right, Krem. Pick out the females that will bring the best price." Ferengi-Nelix (oh, let's just call him "Felix," shall we?) turns to Quantum and says, "It was a pleasure doing business with you," and starts to leave. Quantum calls them back and says he'll tell them where the vault is if they let him keep half the gold. Oh, that Captain Quantum; he's just so darn sneaky. "Gold-pressed latinum?" Felix asks. "Gold bars," Quantum tells him. "Hundreds of them. But I keep half." Can they be converted into €? The Ferengi ohh and ahh in rapturous delight. Felix bargains with Quantum, and finally Quantum says, "Thirty-five percent and not a bar less -- you'll never find the vault without my help!" Felix offers twenty and says it's his final offer, but Quantum shouts, "No deal!" A Ferengi tries to convince Felix to accept the offer, but Felix says they'll find the vault without Quantum's help. "Krem," he says to Jeffrey Coombs's character, "start loading the merchandise." Krem whines -- in an abnormally high voice for Coombs -- "Why am I always stuck doing the menial labor?" "Make him do it," Felix laughs, pointing at Quantum. You know, at first, I actually thought he said "wienial labor."
Quantum -- his jumpsuit stripped to his waist, exposing a long-sleeved black shirt from J.Crew's Fall 2001 catalog -- carries packing cases under Krem's nervous eye and weapon. They chat a bit, and Quantum learns that Felix is Krem's cousin and captain of the Ferengi vessel. Quantum plays up to Krem, telling him he figured Krem to be the Lobe in charge. "This is only my first month on the job," Krem chuckles, and explains that he works for Felix. Quantum asks him why they need all the stuff from Enterprise "You already seem to have plenty of technology," Quantum says. "Oh, you can never have too much. The Rules of Acquisition say 'Expand or die.'" Hmm; so the Ferengi really are direct descendents of AOL Time-Warner. Interesting. I thought I noticed a little Steve Case in Felix -- it's the nose. Quantum asks Krem about The Rules of Acquisition and is told that Krem has memorized all one hundred seventy-three rules. "Including the most important one: 'A man is only worth the sum of his possessions,'" quoth the Krispy Krem. "Back on my homeworld, that kind of thinking almost destroyed our civilization," Quantum tells him, the Tones of Sanctimony creeping in. Krispy Krem's incredulous. "You should have managed your businesses better," he says in wonderfully surprised tones. Krispy Krem urges Quantum to keep moving stuff for him.
In the passageway, Krispy Krem tells Quantum that his cousin Felix "manages" all of Krispy Krem's "financial transactions" and determines what share of the spoils he gets -- the smallest -- a service for which he charges Krispy Krem. Quantum acts surprised that Krispy Krem doesn't get the largest share and that his own flesh and blood makes him pay. "I don't have the lobes for business," Krispy Krem explains, and also quotes the Rules, saying, "'Never allow family to stand in the way of profit.'" He tells Quantum that Felix is going to help him acquire his own vessel. Around this point, Quantum spots Trip hiding and fakes a cough. He asks Krispy Krem to get him some water and food from the Mess Hall. Krispy Krem handcuffs Quantum to the bulkhead and toddles off. Trip darts over to Quantum and tries to unlock him. He tells Quantum that they are the only ones awake and there's nothing left in Sick Bay to wake the others up. "I'm not surprised, these aliens are taking everything they can get their hands on," Quantum tells him, which prompts Trip to ask who they are, but Quantum doesn't know. Trip can't unlock him, so Quantum asks if Trip can get his hands on a phase pistol. "They cleaned out the armory," Trip tells him. "There are fourteen weapons lockers on this ship, they can't have emptied every one of them," Quantum says. Trip says he's already checked all of them. "Then I've got an idea," Quantum says. "But you're going to need some help to pull it off. They used a hypospray to wake me up. It's in Launch Bay Two." Trip scampers off. Krispy Krem returns with food. "This is pretty good!" he says, his mouth full of Quantum's sandwich. "Glad you're enjoying it," Quantum says dryly. "Maybe we should bring your cook with us," Krispy Krem natters on obliviously, and starts to take another bite. "Do you mind?" Quantum asks. Heh. "Oh!" Krispy Krispy Krem says, handing over the food and the glass of water. Then he starts fumbling in his pockets for the handcuffs key.
Trip enters the launch bay and quickly locates the hypospray Quantum mentioned. He zaps T'Pol first. I'd like to think this is a long-overdue nod to T'Pol's expertise rather than his desire to show her his quads, which could stand to have a little Bain de Soleil slicked on them. As T'Pol starts to come around, Trip scuttles over to zap Hoshi. "Commander?" T'Pol says. Trip looks at her and tells her she's going to be fine. T'Pol doesn't say anything as Trip hovers over Hoshi, but she directs a rather pointed look at Trip's Tick Underoos. Trip catches the look, looks down at his pale legs, and sighs, "Jest becuz a guy's in his underwear, you assume the wurst." T'Pol says she assumes there's an explanation. Trip expositions that the doctor made him go through DeCon after his lunar survey. "And when I was in DeCon, somethin' knocked out the entire crew. Aliens are in control of the ship." T'Pol muses a split-second before saying, "That artifact you brought back from the lunar surface -- it must have been placed there intentionally. When I opened it, the canister released some kind of gas."
The door to the shuttle bay slides open. T'Pol plays possum, and Trip hides too as Krispy Krem and Quantum the Lackey walk in. Krispy Krem heads straight for T'Pol and notes aloud that she's different from the other females. He asks what species she is, and Quantum tells him. Krispy Krem kneels before T'Pol and repeats, "Vulcan." "They're really not all that interesting once you get to know them," Quantum says, moving more stolen cargo. Krispy Krem says he'd like to get to know "this one," while Trip watches from his hiding place. "Maybe I won't sell her," Krispy Krem says, stripping off his glove and reaching for her ear, "not right away." Quantum says, "Trust me, she's got no sense of humor. She's always complaining." Krispy Krem's not listening as he moves T'Pol's face -- whose head is in a totally different position from the last scene -- in order to get at her ears. He gurgles with pleasure. "Krem!" Quantum says, bringing the Ferengi out of his trance. He jerks his head at the cargo that needs moving. Quantum and Krispy Krem leave. You know, I'm actually willing to admit that Quantum looks pretty good here. I think it's the black J.Crew shirt. The color makes him look edgier, kind of like Angel. When Angel actually was edgy. Can you imagine him as Captain of the Enterprise? At least we'd have a change from doofish pomposity to doofishness tempered with dark bouts of brooding. T'Pol opens her eyes and makes a disgusted face, while touching her ear gingerly. "You okay?" Trip asks, coming out of hiding. "There are times I wish Vulcans hadn't learned to repress their violent tendencies," T'Pol tells him. Snerk -- I can't believe I really like her in this episode! Trip says, "Come on, we got work to do." T'Pol asks about the others. Trip tells her the hypospray is out of juice -- which explains why Hoshi never came around -- and runs out of the shuttle bay. T'Pol follows.
In some random crewman's quarters, Trip steals boots and a jumpsuit and FINALLY covers up those blindingly white thighs of his -- sheesh, it was like ogling uncooked chicken. Trip gives the briefest of glances to the poor dude on the floor and leaves.
Sick Bay. Clint Howard, whose Ferengi name is Muk, examines the SCAT with his scanner and pronounces that there's nothing of worth there. Grish -- the remaining Ferengi who isn't Clint Howard, Jeffrey Coombs, or Ethan Phillips -- tells Muk he's not scanning deep enough. "This is their vault. I saw one just like it on a Gavarian ship," Grish insists. "Why would they keep a vault in the medical bay?" Muk asks. "Rule of Acquisition number twenty-three: 'Nothing is more important than your health, except for your money,'" Felix says. The Ferengi giggle. Muk says he doesn't see any locking mechanism, his tone implying that he still doesn't believe there could be anything of worth there. Grish announced there must be a magnetic field that he can blast with micro-charges. "Hold on," Felix orders, striding forward. He pushes a button and the SCAT opens. Grish tries to go in, but the medical bed slides out. Grish stumbles backward, fumbling for his weapon. He takes aim at the menacing bed and gargles, "STOP!" The bed, cowed, stops. Felix looks inside while Muk whines, "This is a waste of time! We've only got three hours before they being to wake. It'll take days to search every hatch." Felix tells him to be patient, and asks him to open some other things.
T'Pol watches them on a viewscreen as they discover the other medical cupboards to be bare. Muk announces that he found something. "Gold?" Felix asks. "No, but it looks like quality merchandise," Muk says, pulling out a long, scary-looking surgical implement. "Oh, splendid craftsmanship," Muk croons, playing with the needle. "Add it to the pot," Felix orders. "Do I look like a Menk to you?" Muk asks. "This beauty's going in my personal collection." Interestingly casual follow-up to the reference to Ferengi by the Valakians in "Dear Doctor." As I commented in that recap, I'm surprised the Ferengi didn't sell the Valakians their warp technology. Assuming, of course, that the Ferengi have warp capability, but I don't think they'd be this deep in space with only impulse power. Pursuant to that, if the Ferengi don't have warp technology to sell, I'm surprised they didn't try to hornswoggle the Valakians by selling them something that didn't work. "We agreed to split our profits," Felix says to Muk. "You said this ship would make us rich. We'll be lucky if we break even," Muk growls. "We had a deal," Felix says. "I'm amending it," Muk says, showing his pointed teeth. "Anything I find, I keep." Felix tells him he'll deduct it from Muk's share of the gold, and turns away in irritation. Gee. Wonder if all this infighting and greediness will be the Ferengi meeting of their Waterloo in their attempted Enterprise takeover. Muk goes back to admiring his surgical thing. He even licks the tip of it. Ew! Can't you just imagine where that thing has been?
Somewhere in the ship's innards, Trip sticks one of those lo-jack things on a door. I think -- I'm not completely sure, but I think that could be a vault set up for the Ferengi.
Bridge Situation Room. Felix walks in with his bag and watches Muk and Grish sacking the electronic equipment. "What's wrong, Ulis?" Muk asks sarcastically. "Can't find your pot of gold?" Felix (Ulis, but I'm staying with Felix) picks something up and asks what it is. "Hey, hey, hey!" Muk shouts, "don't touch!" "If you're not going to help us, you should return to the ship," Felix says bitterly. Muk ignores him and continues with his looting. "And what are you doing?" Felix asks Grish, who is bending over the tabletop viewer. "Wondering why I'm the only guest star no one has ever heard of," Mathra cracks. "Looking for the vault," Grish says in a dumb-blonde voice. "They're not going to put it on a map, you idiot!" Felix shouts. Grish says he knows that, but he's located the captain's personal quarters. T'Pol's now listening to them from outside the door. Felix doesn't get why the captain's quarters are important. "That's where you keep your latinum," Grish reminds him. Felix asks, "What's the quickest route?" Grish explains, while T'Pol calibrates something on her e-pad in the corridor.
Just as Felix says, "It's worth a look," T'Pol gives her e-pad a final tap, and a loud alarm goes off. The Ferengi run around, holding their lobes, until they locate the source of the noise. While they're distracted by this, T'Pol slips into the Situation Room and snatches three scanners from Muk's pile. "Make it stop!" Grish complains. Muk takes aim at a panel and fires his phaser a few times. The noise stops. "Let's get to their captain's quarters," Felix says and Grish follows him out. Muk gives the now-silent panel a severe look and fires at it one more time for good measure. The panel sparks, and Muk gives it a triumphant snort before going to collect his goods. He immediately notices that the three scanners T'Pol took are missing. "I left them right here," he shrieks. "You should be more careful with your acquisitions," Felix snots. Muk orders Felix to open his bag, but Felix refuses: "Are you calling me a thief?" Oh, the irony that is not there when you feel the need to stamp it with an anvil to ensure its delivery. "Everybody knows you'd steal the wax from your own mother's ears," Muk says. Grish tries to make peace, but T'Pol does something from her station in the corridor which makes a sound emanate from Felix's bag. Muk grabs the bag and upends it, finding two of the missing scanners. Muk and Felix argue about how the scanners got in his bag. "Where's the other one? There were three!" Muk demands. They both turn and look at the innocent Grish. "Get away from me!" Grish says. From the corridor, T'Pol examines the third scanner and listens to the sounds of stuff breaking. Muk shrieks, "You cheating no-good liar!"
Engineering. Krispy Krem gestures at the warp core, "There, that one." Quantum looks at an open panel and comments that he's surprised the Ferengi didn't electrocute themselves. "You can't just yank out an anti-matter injector like it was a light bulb," Quantum tells him. "Would you mind?" Krispy Krem asks. Quantum says he'll have to take the injector assembly offline. Krispy Krem grunts his assent and tells Quantum, "Warp core parts are in high demand." "Even if your cousin does find the vault, what makes you think he's going to share the gold with you?" Quantum asks. Krispy Krem tells him they have a contract, but Quantum points out that he'll never know what his real share is if he doesn't know what's in the vault, and therefore might get cheated. Blah blah blah creating-more-infighting-cakes. Quantum offers to help Krispy Krem capture the other Ferengi, and then they can split the loot fifty-fifty. "I'll even throw in the Vulcan female," Quantum says. Krispy Krem gushes a bit and appears to consider the proposition, but then orders Quantum to keep on with his work. Quantum tells Krispy Krem it's "[his] loss" and goes back to the warp core.
"Where. Is. The. Vault?" Grish asks, looking down at something as Muk watches. "Do. You. Understand. Me?" Grish asks. Porthos, standing on the bed, barks and waves his tail, drawing a massive collective "Awwww!" from the Keckler household. "I can't lock onto its language," Grish says, playing with the Universal Translator. "It's a lower life form, you fool!" Muk says. "Probably the captain's meal." Grish observes, "Don't be so sure. Look at the size of its ears." Hee. Muk picks up the pup and says he'll get a good price for him at the Malurzian Zoo. He holds Porthos in the air and examines him. Mathra thinks the writers missed an opportunity for a good joke here -- they should've made it look like the pup whizzed on Muk. It's bathroom humor, yes, but it always works. Think of what the Ferengi's reaction would have been. Felix joins them, says there's nothing there, and suggests searching the other quarters. Muk calls after them that he's had "enough of vault-hunting for one day" and tells them to "have fun."
Looking at another view of the Ferengi's scarab-like ship attached to Enterprise, I have to admit that I'm surprised the Ferengi didn't try to steal Quantum's ride. True, there's a fairly sizable crew aboard, who are going to be knocked out for only three hours, but if the Ferengi had dragged them into one holding area, tied them up, and locked them in, they would have had all the time in the world to assess the contents of the ship. Plus, they'd then have a ship much larger and more powerful than their own. And if they didn't know how to fly it, all they'd have to do is make one of the ensigns do it while pointing a phaser at him. It's just a thought.
In the shuttle bay, Muk pops Porthos into one of the storage containers and shuts the lid. Okay, not liking that at all. Trip makes a noise behind some piles of stuff and Muk pulls out a weapon, demanding, "Who's there?" He sees Trip scurry away, and fires at him as he leaves the shuttle bay. Muk pulls out a communicator and announces that "one of the aliens is awake" before pursuing him through the corridors. If Trip ran back right now to release Porthos, he would have my undying admiration, no matter how many of his drawls or DeCons I have to endure for the rest of the series. All six more years of it. Muk loses sight of Trip and enters the Mess Hall, where several crewman have their faces planted in their porridge. Trip camouflages himself among them by also having his face near (but not actually in) a plate of food. Muk walks past him, but turns around at the sound of heavy breathing. I didn't actually hear the heavy breathing -- and I did wonder what make Muk turn around and see Trip -- but Chester in Closed Captioning heard the heavy breathing and reported it, so that's what I'm going by. Though the sound people could have made it a little more obvious above The Music Of The Chase. Before Muk can fire, Trip tackles him at the knees and sends the Ferengi's phaser flying. With Trip on his back, Muk crawls across the floor, straining to reach the phaser, but Trip, channeling another brain-damaged sissy-fighter, bites the Ferengi's ear. Muk screams, and Trip punches him out. Amazing power that one punch must have had to send Muk into dreamland -- Trip must be Kirk's great-great-grandfather. Trip grabs the phaser and runs out. Straight into Felix, who snaps the phaser out of his hand with a Ferengi plasma-energy whip. "Why aren't you asleep?" Felix asks, and whips Trip directly in the chest, knocking him to the ground.
Shuttle bay. Quantum walks in with Krispy Krem and notes that T'Pol is missing. "What's ?" he asks Krispy Krem, who gestures at something and makes a move in the direction where T'Pol was last lying. Quantum stops him and asks where he expects Quantum to put it, since there's hardly any room left on the Scarab Ship. That's a puzzler for Krispy Krem. Quantum says, "I think it's time you decided what you really want to keep," and leads Krispy Krem away from the T'Pol-less area. Krispy Krem says he'll ask Felix, but Quantum asks why he can't make a simple decision on his own. Quantum assumes the Captain's Stance and says, "If you want to run your own ship someday, maybe you should start showing a little initiative." Krispy Krem says he's not in charge. "And you never will be with that attitude," Quantum tells him as Felix, Muk, and Grish walk in, herding Trip.
"Who's this?" Felix asks Quantum as Trip is shoved to the ground. Quantum says, "My Chief Engineer." Felix wants to know why Trip's awake. "Don't ask me," Quantum says, and Felix asks if anyone else is awake. "I haven't seen anybody," Quantum says, and turns to Krispy Krem: "You?" Grish babbles that the gas wasn't supposed to wear off for another two hours, but maybe they miscalculated the dosage. "There could be others awake," Grish frets. "We should leave." Felix refuses to leave without the gold, but Muk tells him to forget it. "If you want to leave, take one of their shuttlecraft," Felix orders Muk. "I'll be happy to keep your share." "You expect me to go empty-handed?" Muk asks. "You can keep the shuttlecraft," Felix tells him, "and the females." Muk complains that that's not enough. Felix points a phaser at him and says, "It'll have to be!" The other Ferengi wait with baited lobes to see what's going to happen. Muk snarls that Felix will regret this. "Get out," Felix tells him. Muk tells Grish to "help [him] with the wimmin." Trip scrambles to his feet, saying, "Wait! I'll show you the vault." "Trip…" Quantum says warningly. Trip tells the Ferengi to leave the women on the ship and he'll take them to their gold. "Not another word, Commander. That's an order," Quantum says, the mirror image of a stump of wood. "I'm not lettin' them take mah wife!" Trip shouts. This interests the Ferengi. "She's not the one with the pointy ears, is she?" Krispy Krem asks. "No, her name's Hoshi, and yer gonna keep yer filthy hands offa her!" Trip says, shaking his finger at Krispy Krem, who backs away in alarm, his mouth open. Shaka when the walls fell. "Do we have a deal?" Trip asks Felix. Quantum warns Trip not to take the Ferengi anywhere near the vault, threatening to throw him in the brig for insubordination. "Yew don't give a dam about this crew. All you care about is yer precious gold!" Trip shouts. Quantum says, "I'm warning you, Trip--" But Trip interrupts him, "Yer a greedy sonofabitch!" "How much is your wife worth? Five bars of gold, maybe six? Let them take Hoshi and I'll give you ten," Quantum says. "What?!" Trip screeches. "All right, fifteen," Quantum concedes. He really wouldn't have to give him any gold if he were just going to throw him in the brig for insubordination, would he? Trip roars and launches himself at Quantum.
They roll around on the floor awhile before the Ferengi separate them. Felix tells Trip he accepts his offer. "You'll leave the women?" Trip asks. "You have my word as a businessman," Felix says. For whatever that's worth. Trip tells the Ferengi to follow him. Felix dumps his bag and turns to Grish and Muk, telling them to wait there. "So you can cheat us out of our share?" Muk asks. "Hide it in the bottom of your bag? I plan to count every bar of that gold myself before it leaves the vault." Felix assures him that they'll count it later, but Muk tells him that he knows him too well. Grish says, "If he's going, I'm going!" Krispy Krem steps forward and tries to show a little initiative, but they all laugh at him and make him stay. Poor Krispy Krem. "You…sure told him," Quantum says, slightly sarcastically. Shut up, Quantum. Krispy Krem orders him to get back to work, but Quantum fakes a back pain. "It's an old water polo injury. Flares up every now and then. I just need to rest," Quantum says, sitting down. Oh, god, the water polo allusion! Krispy Krem whimpers that they don't have time to rest. "Then you better get working," Quantum says. Krispy Krem locks Quantum to the wall and starts carting things out himself.
Trip leads the Ferengi all over the ship in pursuit of the Lost Vault. The Ferengi complain that they're going in circles. I get slightly bored, and it was at this point that Mathra challenged me to "Six Degrees" Star Trek to our cherished British sitcom As Time Goes By. Patrick Stewart was in Robin Hood: Men in Tights with Cary Elwes, who was in Lady Jane with Helena Bonham Carter, who was in Room with a View with Judi Dench, in case you were wondering.
On the Scarab Ship, T'Pol emerges from her hiding place and asks Krispy Krem, "Have you come to rescue me?" Krispy Krem jumps, points his weapon at her, and asks how she woke up. T'Pol tells him that whatever knocked everyone else out didn't work in the same way on her. "My body works differently than the humans," she says, seductively. "Hoo-manns?" Krispy Krem repeats. T'Pol says, "That's the name of their species, they're a terrible race. Deceitful, cruel." Krispy Krem asks why she lives with them. "It wasn't my choice," T'Pol says, looking at him limpidly. "I'm a captive here, they've enslaved me." Blalock's voice cracks convincingly on the "enslaved" part. T'Pol takes a step closer to Krispy Krem, who lowers his gun. "Please, take me with you," she pleads. "You would make a handsome wife," Krispy Krem breathes, "Do you know how to perform oo-mox?" T'Pol says, "I'm well-trained in the arts of pleasure [is that part of the distribution requirements on Vulcan?] but I'm unfamiliar with oo-mox." Krispy Krem tells her to stroke his lobes. Eww! "Like this?" T'Pol says, stroking. Krispy Krem makes ooky sighing noises. T'Pol continues to stroke his lobes down to his neck, and administers the second Vulcan nerve pinch we've seen on Enterprise. Krispy Krem falls to the ground, and T'Pol holds up a ring of keys. She pulls a phaser out of a suitcase and leaves the Scarab Ship. How many frontal lobotomies do Bermaga assume are out there watching this show? Do they truly think that viewers are going to react to this scene with, "Heh heh, boobies. Heh heh, pretty lady. Heh heh, sexual innuendo"? For crying out loud! Not only do I demand original plots, but I demand original scenes as well, not something that was recycled from TNG's "Menage a Troi." Hey, writers? Do you remember that you made T'Pol a Vulcan? You do? Well, good, because being a Vulcan means she could've knocked Krem's Krispy ass into the middle of week without having to resort to secondhand sexual advances to distract him in order to give him a nerve pinch. Maybe you should go out and buy The Star Trek Encyclopedia and remind yourself of what it means to be a Vulcan so that you can stop making T'Pol the big-breasted patsy of your adolescent wet dreams.
More scenes of Trip leading the Ferengi all over the ship and the Ferengi complaining about it. "Is this your plan?" Muk asks. "To walk us to death?" Felix asks if it's "some kind of trick," but Trip tells them they're there. He opens a circular, vault-like door and steps into a tiny chamber. The Ferengi clamber in after him and spy the lo-jack on the door. "The vault?" Grish asks. Trip fiddles with the lo-jack; there are two clicks, and the door pops ajar. "It's all yours," Trip says. Felix commands him to "Open it! Open it!" so Trip pushes open the door and says, "You better let me go in first." "Why?" Felix asks, suspiciously. "Knowing Cap'n Archer, he's probably rigged the place with booby-traps. Just give me a few minutes to check it out," Trip explains. Muk says, "No! You could have a weapon hidden in there!" Trip shrugs and backs away, and the Ferengi fight each other to get inside. It's quite a comical scene. The Ferengi finally all squeeze in but note a distinct scarcity of gold. "It's a trap!" Felix shouts as T'Pol emerges from her hiding place behind the "vault" door. She phaser-stuns all three of them, and they fall to the ground. Trip steps in with her and looks at the Ferengi. "Sorry, fellas," he says, "Bank must be closed today."
Shuttle bay. Quantum's still locked to the wall. Can we just leave him there? T'Pol walks in. "Did it work?" he asks. "Perfectly," she tells him. I guess we're to believe that this whole scheme was his idea. Funny, I choose not to. "Do you have the key?" Quantum asks, holding his hands out. T'Pol holds the key up just out of his reach and says, "'Not that interesting, no sense of humor, always complaining'?" Quantum says he'll make it up to her. "How?" T'Pol asks, still keeping the keys out of his reach. "Five bars of gold?" Quantum suggests. T'Pol raises her eyebrow. "Open these things, Sub-Commander, that's an order!" Quantum says. Now who's the one without a sense of humor? Jeez! T'Pol looks at the keys, looks at Quantum, and unlocks him.
Trip and a security detail monitor the Ferengi as they replace all the stolen equipment. Muk manages to pinch his fingers on a torpedo, and he hops around sniveling. Trip just smiles at him. Finally, Quantum releases a grateful Porthos and nuzzles the adorable thing. Took him bloody long enough! Hope Porthos left a "present" in the storage case.
Walking with Krispy Krem along the Scarab Ship's corridors, Quantum tells him he's going to contact the Vulcan High Command as well as Starfleet. "If you come within a light-year of any one of our ships, you won't know what hit you," Quantum threatens him. Krispy Krem assures him, "You'll never see us again," as they enter the bridge. Well, maybe Quantum won't, but Picard, Janeway, and Sisko will have to deal with them again and again. And again. And I don't care what the current drift of the argument is on the forums; I continue to find it really peculiar that neither the Vulcans nor the humans decided that knocking out a full starship crew with the intent to sell the females into slavery and loot the vessel would not have constituted a full investigation into who these aliens were. I think it's stupid, lazy, and just another instance of Bermaga insulting their fans and the history of the Trek series. The other three Ferengi are handcuffed to various stations around the bridge. "If you want to be unshackled, you might think about showing Krispy Krem here a little more respect!" Quantum orders, once more instructing another species how to live their lives. "Vermin!" Muk growls. Heh. All the Ferengi -- save maybe Ethan Phillips, who never really impressed me even back when he was on Benson -- were extremely entertaining tonight. From Matt "Grish" Malloy's Muppet-like voice to Clint "Muk" Howard's bugging eyes to Jeffrey "Krispy Krem" Coombs's overall performance, they were all really fun to watch as they brought out their individual Ferengi personalities. Sigh. But the best thing I can say about Quantum in this episode is that he really should wear black more -- it looks so much better on him than blue. After shouting at his cousin to shut up, which shocks Felix into silence after his last tirade of insults, Krispy Krem asks T'Pol if she's sure she wants to stay with the "hoo-mans." "With my ship and your talents, we could build a vast fortune," Krispy Krem says. T'Pol turns on her heel and stalks out. Okay, what "talents" is he referring to? Her pleasure-giving artistry? Quantum also gives Krispy Krem A Look before leaving. All the Ferengi try to convince and bribe Krispy Krem into releasing them, but it's all to no avail. Krispy Krem takes his position in the captain's chair (literally and figuratively) and relishes it. The Scarab Ship separates from Enterprise and whisks away.
week, the crew sees dead people, and Odo stars as a fairly latex-free alien. It looks deliciously creepy, which means they're going to disappoint me.