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In this crossover with TNN, a bunch of fatigues run around shooting things, and we discover that the extent of Quantum's literary side is one line from Yeats. Unfortunately, it's not the one that fortells the Apocalypse. T'Pol hits rewind and again tells him something he's thinking of doing is "foolish," which, of course, Quantum knows to be Vulcanese for: "You have my blessing to make a complete ass of yourself." Meanwhile, Angel's Holtz makes a guest appearance as a hunter -- nice to know he's not typecast. Hoshi and Mayweather were too busy partying with me, Mathra, and the very last case of Post Road Pumpkin Ale in the state of Massachusetts, to show up for filming. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Stop the presses. My parents did it. I'm still in a great deal of shock that they actually did it. They've been threatening for years, but now it's all over. My father finally pouted and sulked and whined enough that he just plain wore my mother down -- they went out and bought a big honkin' RV. They're now threatening to throw all three cats -- hissing and spitting and shedding great gobs of fur -- into this Keckler Karavan and trek out to D.C. to visit Mathra's parents and then make a stop in Boston to visit us. There goes the neighborhood.
Enterprise Bridge. Our story tonight unfolds with Quantum sitting in his Porsche chair, looking as though someone absentmindedly left a crowbar in his fanny. Oh, we get it -- Trip's trying to take his picture so that Starfleet Command can use it to paint a portrait, and the Captain's Metamucilly look stems from being camera-shy and crabby. This from the guy who doesn't mind his image being blown up on alien viewscreens as he pimps his moronics around the galaxy. Trip gives some very un-Irving-Penn-y directions as he tries to capture his captain from the best angle. Gee, wonder why he's having difficulty finding that…Maywet gets his Line of the Week in by encouraging Quantum to consider this portrait-painting something of an honor: "Seeing those Starfleet captains every day gave us something to aspire to." Maywhack, when you're done polishing Quantum's boots with your tongue, you can go back to that wrinkle in time. Trip asks T'Pol to turn off all the monitors in the situation room to lessen the glare on the captain. I don't think T'Pol's facial expressions--oh, I get it, he means the glare from the monitors and not T'Pol's overly upholstered lips. Hey, it's early, and I'm punchy from boredom already! Quantum asks T'Pol if the Vulcan captains have their mugs done up in oils at the Vulcan High Command. T'Pol replies, "Vulcans are revered for their accomplishments, not for the way they look." Ouch. But it hurts so goood! This modesty shtick Quantum's strumming is getting annoying. I am just not buying it. "Except for the really important ones who get mummified," Trip zings back. That's a bit tacky considering what might have happened to all those mummified relics at P'Jem. But what do you expect from the resident rube? Reed reports that they're picking up readings of a small planet along their course. Quantum's confused because there weren't any signs of star system, and Reed tells him it's not an entire system; it's just one planet. Reed twiddles with some buttons, and the viewscreen displays a darkened planet. T'Pol tells everyone, "It's a rogue." Hoshi looks at her questioningly. "It's a planet that has broken out of its orbit," T'Pol explains. Trip slyly raises his camera and snaps a shot of Quantum-in-action as Quantum gives the order for a closer look. "Captain Archer, in command," he says. "Give it a rest, Trip," Quantum tells him out of the corner of his mouth, not moving his facial muscles in order to keep the pose. Urg, I think I've just discovered I'm lactose intolerant.
So, I'm starting to sing along to the song this week when I hear a *click!* I look over to see Mathra holding up a Bic lighter.
T'Pol reports that the roguish planet has lots of nekkid fauna running around, and Hoshi wonders how that's possible. "Shouldn't the surface be frozen solid?" May-waaazzzzup asks. T'Pol explains to everyone, "Hot gases venting from the planet's interior [as portrayed by William Shatner] -- most of the life forms are concentrated in those areas." T'Pol can't find any sign of humanoid life, but Reed picks up a power signature near the planet's equator. "There's a ship down there," he concludes. They attempt a hail and fail. "Mebbe they wanna be left alone," Trip slack-jaws. "Ship alone on a dark planet, mebbe they're on their honeymoon." Yeah, maybe you're on a honeymoon, Trip. From your brain!
Shuttlepod zips from Enterprise, transporting Quantum, T'Pol, Reed (it's a Reed episode!), and Hoshi (it's a Reed and Hoshi episode!) to the dark planet. Reed complains about being unable to use their infrared sensors to find the detected ship; the heat generated from the thermal vents keeps getting in the way. T'Pol says she's "scanning for a break in the canopy," and Hoshi shows off her worldliness by commenting, "If it's anything like the Amazon, good luck." Quantum says something about being able to land a sh'pod with his eyes closed. "Well, the proof's in the pudding, Captain," Reed says caustically. You would be the expert in that realm, Malcolm McBritish. T'Pol reports a clearing ahead, "but it's not much bigger than the sh'pod." "Doesn't have to be," Cpt. Conceited smirks.
Having landed, the four explorers stomp through the underbrush, waving their flashlights at anything that moves. T'Pol gives general directions to where the mysterious great space coaster is. "Follow me!" Reed says, starting off. "Why don't you let me play captain for awhile, Malcolm," Quantum says, clapping him on the back. But no one has any fun when we play that way, Cpt. Braindead. "This reminds me of the rainforest in New Zealand," Quantum starts to orate, "I earned my Wilderness Merit Badge there." Pretty good scout who can look at a few moth-eaten shrubs at night and have it remind him of somewhere else. Reed comments that he didn't know Quantum was a Boy Scout. Oh, come on, he's the ultimate in Boy Scoutiness -- always helping little old aliens across the warp signature. "I was an Eagle Scout," Quantum corrects him. "So was I," Reed says. Well, so was Mathra, for that matter. He got letters from the president, the vice-president, and a bunch of other politicos from the state of Virginia, AND the coach of the Redskins. Guess which one he prized above all? Yep, the one from Joe Gibbs. Quantum asks how many merit badges Reed pinned to his sash. For the record, Mathra's got twenty-eight. "Twenty-eight," Reed chortles. Quantum doesn't say anything. "You?" Reed asks blandly. "Twenty-six," Quantum tells him. "That's not bad, sir," Reed says consolingly. Heh. Any scene that shows Quantum up is a good one; you throw Reed into the mix and you've got something primed for the Emmys. Okay, I might have gotten a bit carried away with that thought.
T'Pol interrupts their peeing ritual to point out something glowing like a Nokia phone right in front of them. The new Nokia phones, mind you, that have the cool blue backlight, not the old green backlight of over-the-hill cell phones like ours. And just as I'm done typing that, the four explorers turn on some electronic eye patches that glow green. Where do they get those wonderful toys (tm Jack Nicholson in Batman)? "Man, it's like a herd of post-apocalyptic General Changs," Mathra croaks, snarfing up a furball. It's allergy season. The Gen. Chang patches allow them to see infrared signatures in the dark. We snag a glimpse of the jungle through Quantum's patch, and it looks like a scene from Predator. Maybe Quantum will get eaten. They creep through more underbrush and spy an Indiglo caterpillar crawling up a tree. Glow, little glowworm, glimmer! Quantum comments, "We spot any more creatures like that and we'll earn our exobiology badges." You know what's coming, don't you? "Actually," Reed says, "I already have that one." Quantum huffs away. Obviously, Mathra doesn't have that particular badge. Yet. They stumble across some signs of civilization, and Hoshi reports, "A campsite, sir." Quantum announces their presence. T'Pol tells him she still isn't reading any bio-signs, but the foreign starship is less than two hundred meters away. "You and Malcolm check it out," Quantum says. "We'll stay here in case anyone shows up." He's just hoping Reed gets mauled by something so he can be the guy with the most merit badges on Enterprise. Closed captioning tells me that I'm supposed to be hearing "exotic howls and screeches," but all I really hear are the everyday croakings from swamp frogs. As T'Pol and Reed beat the bushes for a spaceship, something else is watching them through a red-lit visor. There's a very audible CRUNCH and Reed jumps, saying, "Did you hear that?" T'Pol says she did and takes some more readings, reporting from Predator-Vision that she had a humanoid bio-sign for a moment. "It's gone," she says, as red-visor-vision watches them and steps on a few more autumn leaves. "It's not gone!" Reed says, his Eagle Scout ears detecting the crunch. The Red Visors hurl themselves at T'Pol and Reed, and there's a bit of a dust-up. The fatigue-clad, red-visored humanoids point weapons at T'Pol and Reed and bark at them in alien-speake. One of them calibrates something on his head, raises his visor, and gestures at the other fatigue-clad, red-visored humanoid, who lowers his weapon. T'Pol resheathes her phaser pistol.
Oh, god, my parents are going to be just like that older couple in Frasier in whose RV Niles mistakenly falls asleep. Except, instead of saying "Clifford!" my mother's going to be saying, "Vern!" all across America. Probably parts of Canada, too.
T'Pol and Reed are escorted back to camp. "Captain, you all right?" Reed asks. "Everything's fine," Quantum says nonchalantly. "These are the Eska." He's bucking to get the Making Nice-Nice With Bloodthirsty Aliens Merit Badge just so he's only one away from breaking even with Reed. "My name is Damrus," Keith Szarabajka says, standing up. You know, I wondered why Holtz had shaved his beard in Angel -- it must have been for this role. Aliens in Trek are predominantly without facial hair -- except the Klingons, of course. And speaking of sudden changes, what's with all the English speaking? Quantum passes out introductions, and Reed gripes that Holtz-Damrus's "friends" almost shot him. "We're sorry. There are dangerous animals in the forest," one of Reed's escorts says. Holtz-Damrus tells them they haven't previously interfaced with humanoids on the dark planet, and T'Pol, always re-earning her Diplomacy Merit Badge, deferentially asks if she and her shipmates are trespassing on their "territory." Holtz-Damrus tells her that the planet belongs to no one, but "it's a special place for [them]." Not touching that one. Another Eska takes a swig of something and asks what they're doing on Dakala. "We're just here to explore," Quantum says, swanking himself about the campfire. "We'd like to stay awhile if that's all right." The Eska don't say anything. "It's a big planet -- we could find another landing site but I was hoping you might enjoy the company," Quantum continues, working on his Shoving My Big Schnozzle Where It Doesn't Belong Merit Badge.
A few minutes later, they're all sitting around the campfire roasting wieners (Wow, who would have bet on both Shatner and Wil Wheaton landing cameos in the same episode? It's good to see Wheaton making a positive change in his career aspirations. After all, today's wiener is tomorrow's bratwurst. Yuck, not like that!) and singing "Kumbaya." Over a slab of Drayjin meat, the Enterprise crew learns that the fatigue-clad, gun-toting, redneckish Eska are not there "studying wildlife." They're there to hunt, and the reason why their bio-signs were undetectable is because they use "sensing cloaks." Either that or the Enterprise sensors just suck eggs. I mean, they're only the twenty-second-century sensors; not what you'd call top-of-the-line by Trek standards. T'Pol gets their hosts to tell them that the Eska have been hunting on Dakala for nine generations, and it's "part of [their] tradition" to murder the Dakalan wildlife. "There are higher primates here -- we don't touch them," Holtz-Damrus says, getting up and going to the fire, clearly annoyed by all the sanctimonious questions. Quantum feels the need to point out that "hunting went out of style on Earth over a hundred years ago," but adds, "That doesn't mean we don't appreciate your hospitality," Quantum says, with about as much grace as a mastodon riding dressage on a donkey. "That gear you carry seems pretty elaborate to take down a few game animals," Reed says. One of the Eska tells him, "Don't underestimate the game on this planet." This peaks Reed's interest, and he asks to join them on their outing. "I thought your people didn't approve," Holtz-Damrus says, not looking at him from his Place of Brood by the fire. But see, he's British, and the British are all about bloodsports. It's in their, uh, blood. Reed says he wants to observe their lurk tactics, since they were able to sneak up on the E-crew undetected. Except for the excessive crunching part. "I promise I won't kill anything, sir," Reed pleads to Quantum. The Eskas guffaw. Quantum heh-hehs uncomfortably and tells Reed that it's up to their "hosts." Holtz-Damrus stands up dramatically and raises his silver tankard to Reed in silent acceptance. Reed acknowledges this acceptance in kind.
Quantum throws a Captain's log on the campfire and reports that Hoshi is being brought back to the ship and exchanged for some camping gear. Strangely enough, the voice-over says that Trip and Malcolm are bringing Hoshi back to Enterprise. Didn't Trip stay on the ship? He wasn't in the sh'pod when they went down to the surface, and he definitely wasn't one of the four exploring and stumbling upon the Eskas. I think that's a continuity mistake on their part. Quantum offers no explanation as to why Hoshi is going back to the ship. Isn't she curious to learn the Eskan language, or are the writers trying to force the Hoshi Ick Factor on us because she's a squeamish little lady wearing dainty white gloves? Puh-lease. "If the bugs glow in the dark, at least you can tell if they've crawled into your sleeping bag," Trip says, throwing Quantum's copy of Songs You Can Sing Around The Campfire With Alien Hunters into his knapsack. Hoshi bleats that she's very happy to be sleeping in her own bed that night. "Anyway, it's the things you can't see that I'd be worried about," she adds. "Like those bore worms," Reed says in a strangely husky voice. "Bore worms?" Trip asks, a bit concerned. "Apparently they crawl into your ear to lay their eggs," Hoshi-Khan tells him. Trip looks very upset. "Have a nice night," Hoshi says, patting him on the knee and taking off. Reed chuckles at Trip's discomfiture.
Campfire. T'Pol goes over the roster of E-crew they should bring down to study the stuff crawling on the planet. Holtz-Damrus comes over and asks if they're enjoying themselves. Quantum assures him that they most definitely are, and thanks him for sharing his campsite with them. Where are the troglodyte s'mores? Holtz-Damrus tells them they'll be heading out on the blood trail in six hours, and suggests to Reed that he get a little shut-eye. "If you're still planning on coming along," Holtz-Damrus says. Reed tells him he wouldn't miss it. Reed, Trip, and T'Pol decide to hit the hay, while Quantum opts to stay up awhile. To be alone with his big captainly thoughts, presumably. Time passes, and Quantum has fallen asleep in front of a curiously still-raging campfire. I gotta get me some of that alien planet wood -- looks like you don't really need to stoke it. A figure approaches the campsite and calls out seductively, "Jonathan." Quantum wipes a trail of drool away and stirs awake. He doesn't see anything, so he snuggles back into the nice, soft pile of logs. The voice calls his name again. Quantum sits up and says, "Hello?" Nothing. He gets up and walks toward the forest. Yeah, that's intelligent. I really hope Jason's waiting for him with a rusty Exacto knife. The voice keeps calling Quantum's name, so he grabs his flashlight and waves it about as he walks deeper into the palm fronds. "Who's there?" he calls out. Finally, he sees a crimped-haired blond in a diaphanous blue gown. Did you know diaphanous blue gowns come in very handy when traipsing around jungles? They do. Particularly the ultra-sheer ones. As Quantum's flashlight shines through her draperies to expose the full outline of her legs, she darts off. He starts to follow, but then seems to give up rather easily. Not able to see her anymore, he hangs his head in disappointment.
I'm sorry, but that Mitsubishi Eclipse commercial with that chick in the pink breakdancer's hat doing The Robot in the front seat with her mouth hanging open? Yeah, um, it's really disturbing. It would like it to stop.
At the campsite, Quantum has roused all and sundry because he saw a bogeywoman. "If the captain says he saw her, he saw her," Trip's telling Holtz-Damrus. When he poses the question, Quantum's told that there are no others in the Eska hunting party. "Certainly no human females," Holtz-Damrus rasps, "You sure she wasn't from your vessel?" Quantum's sure. May-Remember-When reports via communicator that there are no other ships in the vicinity. An Eska, T'Pol, and Reed return to report that they've seen nothing that answers to a description of a scantily-clad female prowling around with crimped hair. "She was young," Quantum states, "Long blonde hair. She was wearing some kind of a nightgown." Reed repeats, "A nightgown, sir?" and T'Pol finishes his thought by stepping forward and saying, "Perhaps you were dreaming." Quantum insists that she was there, she said his name, and he felt like he knew her -- like he had seen her before. That's the last time he's allowed to eat Drayjin patties before bed. Holtz-Damrus whispers, "On this planet, it's always night. You're surrounded by things you can hear but not see. It can, uh, stimulate the imagination." Another Eska tells Quantum that he's not the first to look into the jungle and see something that's not there. "She was real," Quantum insists. Does he feel at all bad that he roused these hunters from their precious sleep before a day for which they needed to be their sharpest so they don't get killed? Probably not. Clearly, the captain of the Enterprise's nocturnal phantasms in nightgowns take precedence over getting gored by prey animals. Holtz-Damrus tries to reason with him, asking, "Captain Archer, what are the chances that you'd encounter a half-naked woman who you think you know dozens of light-years from your homeworld?" What are the chances you'd be pulled into the twenty-first century by a steroid-popping time-traveler to hunt a vampire who's suffering from a soul cough? Quantum doesn’t have an answer for that. Holtz-Damrus tells him to go to sleep and says if he's lucky, he might dream about her. The Eska guffaw again. Quantum looks annoyed.
day, Reed and the Eska prepare for the hunt. Reed picks up one of their red visors and tries to examine it, saying, "These can detect infrared." "Among other things," Holtz-Damrus says, snatching it away from him. Trip asks what they're hunting that day, and is told they saw a pack of fire wolves that might prove a worthy challenge. "It's a difficult hike," the Eska says to Reed, who says, "I'll try to keep up." Two Eskas laugh and clap him on the chest companionably -- they're a jolly bunch, these Eskas -- but Holtz-Damrus kills the mood by saying pointedly, "We'd appreciate it, we only have two days left." Quantum wants to know why they're leaving so soon. Now, it would be natural to think that they only have two days left because they're at the end of their vacation, and spending any more time on this dark planet would mean getting fired back in Eskaville. But presumably, there's a more convoluted explanation to follow, which will play into the greater plot arc and add to the rising action and obligatory conflict. Sigh. Sure enough, Holtz-Damrus explains that they are only allowed to hunt on Dakala four days out the year in order to preserve the planet's wildlife. Another Eska comments, "Hunters often wait decades for a chance to come here." T'Pol peers at the Eska's lit-up map and asks, "Are those volcanic vents?" Holtz-Damrus says, "Yes, that area's particularly active. Mineral springs, steam vents -- it's quite spectacular." Nice to know that these hunters also take an interest in geology. Quantum stilts out that it would be nifty to check that area out while Malcolm's riding to hound. "I'll get my camera," Trip says, scampering off. Be sure to load the 1600 speed film, Engineer Podunk. Holtz-Damrus asks if Quantum slept well. The captain did. "Good. If you see any beautiful females today, you be sure to let us know," Holtz-Damrus says. The Eska chuckle. There's that natural jocularity of theirs showing through again. Quantum looks annoyed, as does Trip. What a surprise. Everything Quantum does, Trip does. Every opinion Quantum holds, Trip holds as well. Basically, Trip is Quantum's narcissistic reflection with a drawl and squintier eyes.
The hunters hunt. Through their red visors, they see a hairy beastie, which looks even less real than The Rodents Of Unusual Size. "Drayjin, a female. They're very unpredictable," Holtz-Damrus says for Reed's benefit. They press on.
Meanwhile, Quantum's toddled off to the local spa for a steam. Amidst the gaseous emanations -- anyone else starting to get the feeling Enterprise is heavily endorsed by Maalox or Bean-o? -- Quantum, Trip, and T'Pol wave their flashlights. "Reminds me of Yellowstone," Quantum comments. Basically, we can gather that it's good and stinky there. T'Pol takes readings and detects a geothermal shaft she's anxious to examine. Quantum acts a bit distracted as he takes off his glo-stick eye patch, but gives her permission to investigate to her pointed heart's desire. "So, she was wearing a nightgown?" Trip asks, trying to break the ice. Quantum just looks at him. Trip tries again: "You think she's real?" Quantum tells him he's not hallucinating, but Trip tries to explain to him how odd it sounds. "Trip, have you ever known me to do anything foolish?" Quantum asks. "I mean really foolish?" Too…many…thoughts…must…snark…Quantum…aaaand my head just exploded. Trip makes some comment about a poker game on Jupiter station. Oh no you didn't! Poker belongs exclusively to Riker, Data, Worf, Dr. Crusher, and sometimes Troi -- so don't even try it, you slack-jawed yokel. Quantum foams a bit about feeling inexplicably drawn to his crimped apparition, as though he had no control over himself. Basically, he can't explain it. "Wow, she must've been some woman," Trip says.
The hunters pursue the Drayjin with the extra X-chromosome. Out of the corner of his visor, one of the Eskas catches sight of something sliming. "Wraith!" he whispers, pointing. Reed gets excited and wants to know what's going on. An Eska prevaricates, saying, "It could be a plume of steam. They can fool our thermal scanners." Reed wants to check out the scene, but Holtz-Damrus restrains him and tells him there's no point in all of them chasing thermal mirages, so Reed and another Eska should stay on the trail. "Damrus!" the Eska says. "Take care of our guest, we'll catch up," Holtz-Damrus says warningly. Reed and his Esk-ourt go back to the trail, while Holtz-Damrus and the remaining Eska pursue Darla and Angel.
Trip takes pictures of the smelly rock formations, and Quantum wanders away to find his dream woman. He catches a glimpse of her and runs after her. She gives chase. He pursues. Finally, she appears behind him and calls his name. "Who are you?" Quantum asks, and we get a full view of a flimsy, off-the-shoulder get-up not seen since Plato's Stepchildren. Ah, bitter dregs. He flips open his communicator and says, "How do you know my name?" I guess the exaggerated slowness of his speech paired with the communicator means he's using the Universal Translator. Hoshi's going nuts up above them. The apparition says, "I…need you…Jonathan." Quantum tells her and us that she's speaking English. The apparition says, "I…need you to…understand." Quantum tells her he knows her and he wants to know why. It might have something to do with the fact that she appeared in Insurrection. "If you didn't know me, would you have come?" she asks. Quantum asks why she needs him; she needs him because he's "different." Quantum's stumped. The blue banshee looks away and starts to breathe quickly. Quick -- someone get her a paper bag or an inhaler or something! Meanwhile, Reed and his Eska hunters are firing at their quarry somewhere else in the forest. "Harm," the blue banshee says. Cpt. Nincompoop tells her he's not going to hurt her, but he is going to buy her a subscription to Highlights Magazine: Fun with Phonics. "Not Jonathan," Blue Banshee tells him. "Then who?" he asks. "Who wants to harm you?" Trip kills the mood by shining his flashlight at Quantum. "Captain?" Behind Trip, T'Pol asks if Quantum is all right. Quantum turns back to the Blue Banshee, but she's banished her bad self. Quantum sighs and tells them he's okay. Trip wants to know what Quantum's doing out there, and the tone in his voice suggests that he thinks the good captain needs to go back to the ship and take a little something in water every few hours. "Just taking some scans," Quantum says. Is that what the kids are calling it in the twenty-second century?
The Eska hunters voraciously pursue the Wraith until something attacks one of them.
Back at the campsite, one of the Eska screams in pain as his fellow Eskans try to hold him still on the picnic table. Quantum et al. dash back to camp, and Quantum comms Phlox to stand by. Trip asks what jumped the guy, and Reed tells him they didn't see it. Holtz-Damrus says it was a Drayjin: "The females can be very aggressive, especially when they're protecting a nest." The Eskas resist Quantum's sick bay offer for a bit, until Holtz-Damrus finally gives in and thanks Quantum, saying, "We obviously want him to have the best treatment." Quantum orders Trip and Malcolm to take the wounded Eska back to the sh'pod. Holtz-Damrus says, "You should all return to your ship. We came to this planet aware of its dangers -- you didn't." But naturally, since Quantum can't shift that chip on his shoulder, he says, "I'm not ready to leave."
Quantum reads in his tent, and T'Pol stops by to tell him that Trip phoned to say they got home okay. Quantum invites T'Pol in for a little chin-wag. He tells T'Pol he saw his lady of the lake again and this time she spoke to him, telling him she needed him. "I believe you should reconsider returning to Enterprise," T'Pol says. "And have Dr. Phlox take a look at me?" Quantum asks rhetorically. "There are no psychotropic compounds here [well, that's a first]. I wasn't hallucinating and I wasn't dreaming," he insists. T'Pol postulates that the only "logical conclusion" is that the Blue Banshee is a "real human woman." Quantum says he doesn’t know if she's human or not, but she's materializing to him for an express purpose, and he's going to find out what that is by going after her. T'Pol says she will accompany him, but Quantum insists that he's the chosen one and that the Blue Banshee will appear for him alone. "Is that your only reason for going by yourself?" T'Pol asks. "What?" Quantum asks. "With respect, Captain, I wonder if you would be so determined to find this apparition if it was a scantily-clad man," T'Pol tells him. Heh -- nice one, T'Pol. Only if it were Dean Stockwell. T'Pol vacates the captain's tent.
Sick Bay. Phlox reports to Trip that their Eskan patient will get over his wounds with a few more hours rest, and asks what attacked him. "They call it a Drayjin. Looks like a big, nasty pig. Kinda tastes like one, too," Trip tells him. I wonder if that makes Trip a cannibal? Phlox says, "I found cellular residue in the wound. It clearly doesn't belong to this gentleman, I assume it must've come from the animal that mauled him." He leads Trip over to his microscope. Trip asks what he's looking at. "The cells are in a state of chromosomal flux. They're mutating. It's as if they're trying to change into something but can't quite figure out what," Phlox explains, adding, "That must've been a most unusual 'pig,'" and looking over at his patient. "Shape-shifter, pan-fried by your bile, Holtz is hunting you in style all day. He's a heart-staker, you big faker, wherever you run to, he'll be on his way," Mathra croons to the tune of "Moon River."
Quantum goes to The Rocks Of Gaseous Purges to find his Blue Banshee again. He calls out a few times, and finally she appears to catch him by the elbow as he stumbles and almost falls. Good thing she was there; he might have skinned his knee. Quantum dithers about her being real flesh and blood and not just a hallucination. "You're real," he tells her. She shows off her alienimity by repeating, "Real...yes," as all aliens must do to demonstrate that English is not their first language. They establish that she's not human and that she is only one of many in a race of shape-shifters on Dakala. "We can become whatever you see -- a tree, an animal, water, whatever you see, " Blue Banshee says. So, she's both Zan and Jayna? Quantum doofs that he sees a beautiful woman in front of him. "Because you want to see a beautiful woman," Blue Banshee tells him. Quantum wants to know how she knows what he wants. Apparently, she can get into his head and sift through the clutter there. Can she get into the writers' heads and shape-shift into a good storyline? Quantum wants to know why he feels he knows her, and she tells him it's because he does know her. Of course, she doesn't explain why. He wants to know why she chose him for her hauntings; naturally, her reply has to be obnoxiously enigmatic: "You're different," Blue Banshee tells him, and runs off at the mouth about how he's "different" from the hunters or, as she puts it, "those only ones who have ever come here before you." You know what really gets up my nose? Aliens who always feel obliged to speak in metaphor, simile, or other literary devices. Can't she just say "those that want to kill my kind?" or, if she's such a mind-reading whiz kid, "the Eskas"? Nooo, it's always gotta be "those that your forefathers oft dreamed of but knew not what they thought when they put forth the curse'd idea ere long." I mean, it's like they live in a perpetual state of Spenserian stanza. Blue Banshee informs Quantum that the Eska come to the dark planet to hunt her kind specifically, because they prize them "above all else." Quantum pulls Furrowed Brow No. 4 off the shelf and slaps it on, showing us that he's in A Moral Muddle.
Quantum lugs his Moral Muddle back to the campfire where he intends to roast it and spread it all over the Eskas. The wounded Eska, now repaired by Phlox, has rejoined them, and everyone drinks to his health and the hunt. Quantum gets Holtz-Damrus to admit that there's more that draws them to the planet than wild pigs and wolves. "Imagine hunting something that can get inside your mind -- sense your thoughts," Holtz-Damrus rasps. Quantum gets into his natural state and plays dumb with the Eskas -- much as he attempted to do with B'Stiller in "Fusion" -- in order to draw information out of them so he can pounce on them like a clumsy, and somewhat senile, cat of my personal acquaintance. "Wraiths," Previously Wounded Eska says by way of enlightenment. "You mean ghosts?" Trip asks. "They might as well be," the other Eska says. Quantum continues with his dumb-playing. He's finally found something he's good at. Holtz-Damrus tells Quantum, "You saw one yourself. She was undoubtedly a Wraith who wandered too close to camp." Quantum says that Blue Banshee looked human. The Eskas laugh. Again. "You don't even know if it was a she," Previously Wounded Eska tells him. The Other Eskas tells Quantum that the Wraiths are shape-shifters and can appear to be anything, even someone they might know: "That's the way they trick you." "They sound like intelligent, sentient beings," T'Pol comments. Holtz-Damrus scoffs at this: "Not the way you or I would measure intelligence. It's an instinctual response." The Other Eska tells the humans, "That's why we were tracking you the day you arrived -- we thought they'd taken your form." For those of us who didn't see Wesley's pre-pubescent pawings in "The Dauphin," Iman's little stint in Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country, and the Salt-Sucker in "The Man Trap," Previously Wounded Eska further elucidates what shape-shifting means: "They assume the exact characteristics of whatever they become. They turn into a rock, all you see is a rock. Even on scanners." Holtz-Damrus gets his brood on by saying that before they knew how to recognize these Wraiths, the Wraiths killed more of them than the Eskas did of the Wraiths. He stares deep into the flames of his angsty fire: "My father came here with eight other hunters. They drove a group of Wraiths into a blind canyon. My father was sure that they had cut them off. But when they moved in, the Wraiths were waiting. They'd read the hunters' minds. The knew their plan. My father made it out but only two of his friends survived." There's an uncomfortable moment where no one knows quite what to say. "So, your father's alive and well in some Eskan Florida condo and you have absolutely no vengeance scheme -- um, why the voice, Holtz?" Mathra shouts. Luckily, for the sake of the conversation, Quantum finds something to say: "How do you catch them?" The Other Eska tells Quantum that the young ones "tend to panic when they're cornered." "When they're afraid, they emit a chemical signature. Our scanners have been modified to detect it. It gives us an advantage," Holtz-Damrus tells them.
Enterprise Situation Room. Quantum waxes ethical about the Eska-Wraith imbalance of power; T'Pol agrees, but doesn't know what they can do about it. "They're well armed and they know the terrain, I wouldn't want to take their weapons from them," Reed opines. T'Pol doesn't think they have the right to take the Eska's weapons away. Trip steps in with, "What right do they have to come to this planet and shoot the locals?" I sure wish people would come to my town and shoot the locals. Particularly the ones in the Yard. Quantum and T'Pol argue about whether or not they should interfere with a generation-long tradition of hunting a sentient species. Suddenly, Quantum has a brainwave on how they can level the playing field, and he turns to Phlox for assistance. "Captain?" Phlox asks. "The hunters said the shape-shifters emit a chemical signature when they're afraid, that's what gives them away. You have a sample of their cells," Quantum says. Phlox admits that he's been analyzing their mutative processes. "Can you find a way to mask that chemical? That would shield them from the hunters' scans," Quantum suggests. Phlox says he'll fire up Bunsen Honeydew and start playing with Beaker.
Mess Hall. And there our anti-hero waits and watches, still shouldering the ever-present burden of the cosmos as he wishes upon a star. I don't know about you, but I'm getting damn tired of this stance he contrives to trot out in every episode. Trip joins him, grabbing a glass of milk. "Do you know any poetry?" Quantum asks him. "You mean besides, 'There Was a Young Lady from Ipswich'?" Trip asks. They can't even get the stupid jokes right -- Nantucket's funnier than Ipswich. Quantum tries to prove his intellectual worth by telling Trip that his mother used to recite a Yeats poem to him at bedtime. "It had a funny name, 'The Song of the Wandering Angus.' I didn't learn till I was older that it was by Yeats," Quantum says. "No, wait, that's funny, because this is 'The Show of the Wandering Dingus,'" Mathra chokes, collapsing on the futon with a foaming Post Road. Quantum subjects us to a few halting lines a la "I went to the hazelwood because a fire was in my head" before explaining to Trip that the woman in the poem is exactly what his Blue Banshee seems to be. Mathra is starting to show signs of hysteria: "Now, if it was actually 'I went to Hazeldon,' then it would be Kirk!" I'm not going to go into the deeper dissection of the poem that Quantum flounders over, because if the writers were making some weak attempt at paralleling the meaning of the poem with a greater theme in this episode, they really shouldn't have bothered, because it did not come across at all. And if that's not the case, I really don't know what the purpose of this Poetry 101 was, except that maybe a vain stab at raising Quantum to Picard's literary level. Trip is skeptical of Quantum's equating of his Blue Banshee to the chick in the poem. "When I listened to the poem, I must've created an image of that woman in my mind," Quantum insists. Trip wants to know why this Wraith would have wasted her time scouring Quantum's little grey cells for an image he'd all but forgotten. Quantum doesn't really have an answer for that. "Maybe that poem's been on your mind more than you realize," Trip states in a desperate, last-ditch attempt to make Quantum look deep. Phlox beeps in and says he "may have found something." On his way out to sick bay, Quantum delivers this stunner: "She may just be something I envisioned a long time ago, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let anyone shoot her." Trip gets milk.
The Eska hunters hunt again. They argue with each other about whether or not they're pursuing a Wraith or a Drayjin. The Wraith, disguised as a Drayjin, morphs into a tree. Becoming dirt seems like a better idea to me. The hunters stand right to the tree, but can't tell it's a Wraith. They're frustrated by the fact that they have cornered the Wraith but can't detect its fear. "It may not be afraid now, but it's about to be," Holtz-Damrus says, and the hunters let loose with a volley of fire. "That's for my father, who's going to early-bird dinners in Boca Raton and turning up the heat every five minutes!" Mathra crows. Suddenly, the tree morphs into a slug-like creature and knocks one of the hunters down before sliming off. "Something's wrong. We should have seen it," one of the Eska says. "Maybe our scanners aren't working," another Eska suggests. "All of them?" Holtz-Damrus asks. More Wraith-like squawks abound. "We need to leave," an Eska says. Look, it's impossible to tell who's who with those red visors of theirs, unless it's Holtz gravelling in his Vengeance Is Mine voice. Holtz-Damrus says, "Let's get back to camp." And so they do. Into the waiting arms of the Enterprise crew.
"How was the hunt -- any luck?" Quantum asks as three of them shine their flashlights in the startled Eskas' faces. I don't know if they were trying to make this scene tense or not, but as there were only two minutes left of the show and they took this long to reach a climax, I sincerely hope they weren't. Because that would just be sad. Holtz-Damrus wants to know why they're still there, and Quantum tells him they still had some "scans" to take. "That's why I decided I'd ruin your night vision for the three hours by shining this light directly in your eyes. I'm sorry, but at campouts, it's a sign of a green, green rookie who does that. Twenty-six merit badges, my left Cub!" Mathra sniffs, ironing his blue kerchief. Quantum asks if they're okay -- besides being blinded, of course. Holtz-Damrus assures them that they're fine, despite Trip's observation that they seem "pretty rattled." One of the Eska tells them that their scanners are on the blink. "I'm sorry to hear it. Looks like you won't be taking home any trophies this year," Quantum says. Holtz-Damrus walks right up to him and says, "Strange, but we never failed in the hunt before you arrived." Trip and Quantum exchange looks, and Quantum says, "I guess we must be bad luck."
Back at The Boulders Of Rotten Egg Fumes, Quantum tells Blue Banshee that the hunters are gone. "For now," she says. "Did you give the others the masking agent?" Quantum asks. Apparently, she did. Quantum tells her it will keep the Wraiths safe. Blue Banshee thanks him and then morphs into a giant tarantula that bites off his head. Okay, well, you know, I was thinking it would have been a hell of a lot more interesting if Quantum had taken Moral Interstate 95 straight into Mortal Perilsville and been totally wrong about the Wraiths. I mean, it could have happened that these shape-shifters really were dangerous creatures who were just luring Quantum into their trap by reading his mind and appearing as something enticing, something he trusted from childhood. That's how I would have written it. It's way too predictable this way, and we're also subjected to Blue Banshee homilizing, "Never stop seeking what seems unattainable." Gawd! Like a badly digested potato, it reminds me of Quantum's father's "Don't be afraid of the wind, Jon!" Blue Banshee and Quantum hold hands while she tells him not to forget her. Then she morphs into a slug. No, I'm serious this time. She morphs into a giant slug and slurps away. "I won't," Cpt. Cheez-Whiz whispers. And then Quantum's face goes through a series of contortions that has sparked much debate on the boards. I think he looks disgusted, but is actually attempting to look amazed at the marvels of interstellar life. Mathra thinks he's crying. Yet another comment on Bakula's acting.
week, Jeffrey Combs has another guest-starring role, this time as a Ferengi. It actually looks kinda funny. Although, as much as the DS9-ers adore Combs, I don't really see what all the noise is about. I'd rather have Holtz or the Bacardi guy as recurring guest stars over Excedrin PM any day and twice on Sunday.