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Quantum finally finds some aliens he can't poison, disrupt, or use to make Trip great with child, but he still has major issues with them. They're Touchy-Feely Vulcans (read: Romulans, in three hundred years), and one of them touchy-feels T'Pol some mind-melding roofies and lands her in sickbay with one mother of a love hangover. Trip tells a square dance allegory to his Vulcan tag-along, and Reed learns about Vulcan sexual practices. Maythither-And-Yon literally has only one line, and Hoshi must've tripped right into that tricky sub-space anomaly, designated "Minor Cast Member." Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Ceremonial Jig Of Joy in Mathra's honor for going out at 10:30 PM to pick up two -- count 'em, two! -- Figs' Pizzas just because I had a craving. And, no, it wasn't that kind of craving, because he got me a bottle of Raspberry Stoli as well.
Cpt. Quantum -- in an attempt to appear lovable and boyish, but coming off as annoying and immature -- shows T'Pol his astronomy primer. He gestures at the cover image: "The Arachnid Nebula. Whoever thought I would get to see it in person?" he says, pointing at the same image on his laptop. Quantum prattles that Enterprise will be reaching it shortly, and T'Pol flips open the primer and sees the bookplate. "From the library of Admiral Jonny Archer?" she quotes, nevermore. Quantum grins that he had "high hopes" when he was a runter. "Yeah, too bad for those 'high hopes' that he's going to fall victim to TPTB's reset button before he gets promoted," Mathra snorts, handing me over a glass of Pimm's and lemonade. Pimm's season already? Well, it was sixty degrees today, so it's definitely getting there. Reed beeps in with breaking news that there's a ship approaching them at impulse, and Hoshi has identified their hail as "using a Vulcan frequency." Quantum turns to glare at T'Pol. Yeah, everything Vulcan is ALWAYS HER FAULT.
Bridge. Quantum looks at the ship through the view screen and comments, "Doesn't look like any Vulcan ship I've ever seen." And certainly, it doesn't look like any Vulcan ship we've ever seen. T'Pol confirms that it's a vessel class that hasn't been used for a number of years. A rather plumpish Vulcan captain with a serious case of hockey hair videos in and asks if he's reaching "the Earth vessel, Enterprise." Quantum confirms that he is, and introduces himself. Rather stiffly, I might add, and not at all like the usual "yo ho ho and a bottle of rum" attitude he displays to nine out of ten aliens they encounter while reaching for the stars. "My name is Tavin, captain of the Vahklas. It's very good to meet you," Tavin says cordially. Mayshowers-bring-April-flowers turns with an astounded look to Quantum, who -- say it with me now -- furrows his brow.
God help me, I think I like the song.
Quantum has recovered his John Wayne attitude and strides about the bridge saying, "I get the feeling you weren't sent out here by the High Command." Tavin tells him they're a civilian ship on a mission of "exploration." Quantum sniffs that he thought exploring wasn't quite the Vulcans' cup of Ceylon. Tavin says he'd love to get into their deepest and darkest, but his systems are in desperate need of a Windows 2158 upgrade first, and can the amiable crew of the Enterprise help them? Aw, they're the Vulcans of Quantum's dreams!
The view from outer space shows that the Vulcan ship has docked onto Enterprise. They coast, side by side. Oh, the metaphor! The metaphor! Captain's Table. T'Pol, Quantum, Tavin, and another Vulcan break bread together, and it would seem that Trip got shafted on this particular occasion, as he's not there tying on his feed bag. My guess is, Quantum didn't want to scare off these unusually friendly Vulcans by presenting them with Trip gabbling as food falls out of his mouth in a constant dribble. Tavin tells Quantum that the High Command has been guilty of looking over their pointy shoulders as well. Quantum chuckles and says, "Well, that's good to know. I was starting to think they'd singled us out." As Ensign Waiter serves them, Quantum explains that he made an effort to procure Vulcan recipes for their benefit. Funny that they didn't seem to care as much about honoring T'Pol's eating preferences, other than making fun of her no-food-shall-touch-these-hallowed-fingers obsession. Tavin seems more interested in what Quantum's eating. "Oh, it's called 'chicken,'" Quantum tells him. "Oh, may I?" Tavin asks, handing his plate over. T'Pol looks at him in surprise. Quantum, also surprised, dishes up some poultry flesh. "It's, uh, meat, you know," he says, hovering over Tavin's dish. "It looks delicious," Tavin says. T'Pol passes the plate back to the Vulcan captain. The other Vulcan stranger at the table -- who looks like a creepier version of Ben Stiller -- raises an eyebrow and looks amused at the proceedings. We will see that this seems to be the only expression he draws upon for the rest of the episode.
In response to Quantum's query, Tavin tells him they left Vulcan eight years ago. "And in those eight years we've experienced more than most Vulcans will in their lifetime," B'Stiller says superciliously, giving T'Pol the once-over. T'Pol puffs her lips at him. Quantum prompts Tavin: "You said you were explorers?" "Yes, but it's not space we're exploring," he says, "it's ourselves." Great. So they're the Vulcan equivalent to those people I knew back in Minneapolis who, after high school, had to go to Utah or Colorado to "find themselves." What does that mean, anyway? As my dad once said, "I didn't know she was lost." T'Pol watches B'Stiller and Tavin enjoy their poultry flesh and gasps suddenly, "You're V'tosh Ka'tur!" Which, of course, is Vulcan for, "Tastes like chicken." Quantum's in a sociological fog, as per his typecasting, and pretty much "wha-huhs?" that. "'Vulcans without logic,'" Tavin explains. "It's the name the elders give to anyone who disagrees with the ancestral teachings, but it's not entirely accurate." He directs his speech at T'Pol and says, "We haven't abandoned logic; we've simply learned to exist without the need to continually repress our emotions." Quantum smothers a smile with his mashed potatoes as Tavin tells T'Pol that they've been experimenting for years. "But we've managed to find a balance between the two," Tavin finishes. T'Pol tells him that's "not possible." "Here we are," B'Stiller says, with that raised eyebrow and look of slight amusement, which is really getting annoying. Yum, a gimlet with Raspberry Stoli -- it puckers your kisser. Tavin delivers a lecture on logic being an essential part of the Vulcan existence, and how it needs emotions to complement it. "You must know a great deal about emotions," B'Stiller says to T'Pol, "you live on a human starship. That's not something that many Vulcans would be comfortable with." Quantum looks at T'Pol with interest, who tells B'Stiller that she is only there to observe. B'Stiller says, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you." T'Pol tells him that it is impossible for her feel offended. Quantum tries to diffuse the pointy tension by ham-handedly changing the subject, and says Trip told him that the Vulcan repairs would take a few days. He invites the Vulcans to explore the Arachnid Nebula with them. Tavin is thrilled. So is Quantum.
Engineering. A few female crewmembers jiggle by, and another Vulcan notices their jiggles. "There are a lot of women on your ship," he says, glossing over Trip's comments about how screwed up the Vulcan engine is. Trip tells him that women make up about one third of the crew. "Is it true you mate year-round with any of them you choose?" the Vulcan asks. "You haven't been around humans much, have you?" Trip asks. The Vulcan tells him they're the first they've come across: "I've heard a lot of stories. Your people indulge their passions. Do you really eat six meals a day?" the Vulcan asks. Trip corrects him that humans only eat three meals a day. Speak for yourself, buddy. "And what about sleep? I understand you spend more than half the day in bed," the Vulcan comments. "Eight hours. We sleep for eight hours," Trip says. "In my case, about six." Because Trip's just SUCH a workaholic. Trip offers to school his intrepid Vulcan friend in all things human over a slab of food. The Vulcan is delighted: "I'd like that, Commander!" "Eh, call me 'Trip,'" Commander Trip commands. The Vulcan grins. Everyone is just being so chummy with each other -- it's peachy-keen!
Quantum's Ready Room. T'Pol hands over an e-pad of the Hippie Vulcans' (tm byobkenobi) needs, which include a passel of plasma coolant and medical supplies. "Tavin has also requested the recipe for Chicken Marsala," T'Pol finishes. Quantum leers that Chef's recipes are only available to those with NSA clearance, but they might be able to make an exception in this case. As T'Pol makes to leave, Quantum stops her, saying, "I thought you'd be spending a little more time getting to know our guests." T'Pol tells her captain that she's very busy with her duty roster. Quantum corrects her, saying what she's busy doing is avoiding the Hippie Vulcans, and then gets on his absurdly ill-informed moral high horse and tells her that, while she may not approve of what the Hippie Vulcans are doing, "for all [T'Pol and Quantum] know, they're onto something." T'Pol's not convinced. "Just because they smile and eat chicken doesn't mean they've learned to master their emotions," she comments. Reminds me of the Friends tirade where Joey eats chicken and looks through his secret peephole. Quantum comments, "Maybe I'm just relieved to finally meet some Vulcans who aren't giving me a hard time." Because it's all about you, Quantum, isn't it? ISN'T IT? T'Pol tells Quantum that the Hippie Vulcans aren't the first to attempt this Emotional Embrace. "Others have tried to reintegrate their emotions; they all failed," T'Pol elaborates. "It's very dangerous." Quantum says, "Unless my instincts are way off [and they have been in sixteen other episodes, but who's counting?], they don't seem very dangerous to me. But I could be wrong." Way to construct a very large loophole for yourself, Cpt. Dork. Quantum encourages T'Pol to "keep an open mind." T'Pol leaves.
Mess Hall. T'Pol gets a cup of tea. B'Stiller enters and comments, "So this is the mess hall. The crew must not have much of an appetite." T'Pol explains that it's late and most of them are sleeping. B'Stiller examines the replicator and asks if she can help him operate it. He professes to want what she's drinking, which is mint tea. T'Pol obliges, and B'Stiller stands too close for comfort, while examining T'Pol's profile. He sips the tea and reacts. "It has a lot of flavor," he says. T'Pol tells him he can try something else, but B'Stiller says, "No, it's fine. I'm just surprised. Do you like it?" Instead of answering, T'Pol tells him that the replicator is limited in its Vulcan selections. "But it can make Vulcan tea?" B'Stiller asks. T'Pol tells him it can. "Interesting," B'Stiller says, getting in her personal space again. T'Pol tries to leave, but B'Stiller stops her, asking how long she's lived with the humans. T'Pol tells him that she spent two years on Earth and seven months on Enterprise. B'Stiller says, "That's a long way away from home. Living here has obviously affected you in ways in you don't realize." T'Pol catches on to what he's getting at and says, "You may be right; on occasion, I also drink chamomile tea." Heh. B'Stiller ruins it by saying that she has a sense of humor, "a concept that most Vulcans can't seem to grasp." T'Pol comments that he's easily amused. "There's that humor again," B'Stiller says, and asks why she stays on the human ship. T'Pol tells him she's needed as Enterprise's science officer. B'Stiller asks if that's her only reason, and implies that she's more attached to humans than she's willing to acknowledge. T'Pol professes not to know what he's talking about, so B'Stiller implies that her emotions are "closer to the surface than other Vulcans," and therefore easier to discern. T'Pol tells him it's because she hasn't done her meditations yet, or put on her protective Vulcan cream, SPF 800. They argue whether it's dangerous for Vulcans to embrace their emotions, and B'Stiller tells her it's all hooey to think it's anything but safe as houses. "Commander Tucker suggested that I try something called 'pizza.' [Not catfish?] Would you care to join me?" T'Pol rebuffs him, telling him she's already eaten, and starts to leave, but she pauses and turns back to B'Stiller to say, "Another time, perhaps." B'Stiller raises his mug of tea to her.
Enterprise and the docked Vulcan ship near the Arachnid Nebula, and Quantum dances about the bridge with ill-contained excitement. It comes as no surprise to anyone but Quantum's pea brain that the nebula is actually larger than what was reported in his elementary school Abracadatlas. Hoshi humorously suggests that they chart the thing and send their findings to Addison-Wesley for the reprint, but since this might take several weeks with their crude instruments, Tavin suggests they consider the Vulcan ship and all its technological riches at their complete disposal. Quantum is thrilled, and volunteers T'Pol's services to monitor the data from the Vulcan ship. "Glad you dropped by," Quantum says pompously, and orders Maywhew to take them into the nebula.
Vulcan ship, Vahklas. T'Pol and B'Stiller take readings in some sort of observatory. The panoramic view of the glowing nebula from the observatory's window adds to the romantically scientific atmosphere. The two Vulcans manage to agree that the nebula is "aesthetically pleasing," and B'Stiller seizes the opportunity to probe deeper into T'Pol's business. T'Pol observes a Yoda action figure posed on a lit display shelf and comments, "It's curious that people who reject Surak's teachings would display his likeness." B'Stiller has to once again explain to those just tuned into this episode that they don't reject logic, and consequently Surak's rubrics, just how they're "interpreted." B'Stiller paces around T'Pol, hands clasped behind his back, and inquires as to whether she's ever actually read Surak's original works. That's like asking Quantum if he's ever read the Bible. Actually, I'm not really sure where I'm going with that, so never mind. "He never intended us to purge our emotions, he wanted us to master them and then carefully integrate them into our lives," B'Stiller pontificates. T'Pol thinks that many might argue with that. "That doesn't mean we're wrong," B'Stiller points out, aping Brigham Young. T'Pol asks him what he did on Vulcan before he left. "I taught literature at the Shirkar Academy," he tells her, and she comments that he "gave up a great deal" to go evangelizing around the galaxies. "I don't have any regrets. I always knew there had to be more to life than just logic and reason," B'Stiller replies. "Haven't you ever felt that way?" he asks. "Not recently," T'Pol tells him, which of course means that B'Stiller has to find out when she did feel that way. I don't know why he wants to know; he's just going to be so scandalized when he finds out that she plumbed the depths of depravity by eating with her fingers. Not. T'Pol doesn't really want to go into her sordid past with him, and says she must take her data back to Enterprise. Of course, B'Stiller has to pull the soap-opera-ish move of stopping her just as she's about to leave. "T'Pol, you said that you meditated each night. Tonight? Don't. See what happens. I think you'll find that your dreams will be far more interesting," B'Stiller says silkily. T'Pol looks to be on the point of refusing when B'Stiller says, "You're a scientist, consider it an experiment." B'Stiller turns his back on T'Pol and continues studying his readings, leaving T'Pol to absorb his dictum. Another soap opera move. I think the actor playing B'Stiller wasn't capable of mastering the Vulcan eyebrow raise, so the make-up crew had to mold one of his eyebrows into a permanent elevated state. It's the only logical answer to why he never changes expression.
Mess Hall. We enter the middle of a conversation where Trip is asking his Vulcan acolyte, Kov, where he "heard that." "A Vulcan anthropologist told me he'd seen the ritual during an Earth expedition," Kov tells him. Trip sighs and says, "They're not trying to kill the quarterback. They're just trying to keep him from throwing the ball or running with it. It's only a game, not a fight to the death." Oh, fine: heh. Kov shows signs of burgeoning football enlightenment, and Trip comments that he must think humans are "a bunch of barbarians." Isn't that what all Vulcans think of humans? It's not like this should be news to them after living with the pointy race for over one hundred years. Kov affirms that humans have a barbaric reputation, "but I've always suspected the stories were exaggerated." Trip urges him to "set the records straight" with all his friends, and Kov is very happy to fulfill that mission. Now it's Trip's turn to be culturally inquisitive. Sex. He wants to know about sex, doesn't he? "Well, I've learned about your marriage customs, how your parents arrange the whole thing when you're young, stuff like that. But…what about…you know?" Trip asks eloquently. Kov, superior intellect that he is, says, "Ah! You mean, sex." The Mess Hall gets quiet, and everyone looks at them. Trip looks uncomfortable. It's kinda amusing. Don't get carried away. I said "kinda"! These days, I'll take what I can get. "It's not a topic I've heard Vulcans discuss," Trip says. Kov tells him, "Well, we do have it, if that's what you're asking."
Someone approaches the table and clears his throat. It's Reed. "Am I interrupting anything?" he asks. I just can't seem to regard him in the same light after hearing him drunkenly slobber after T'Pol's bum and witnessing that equally disturbing "Stinky" dream. "No, please join us, Mister --?" Reed introduces himself and sits down. "We were just discussing Vulcan mating rituals," Kov tells him. Reed looks at Trip, but doesn't make a move to scuttle off as he once might've been expected to do before his locker-room bonding with Trip in the shuttlepod. Kov tells the humans that "most of his people" are not altogether at ease when discussing this aspect of their lives. "So many inhibitions!" Kov flutters, and then gets down to ass tacks. "Vulcan males are driven to mate once every seven years," Kov says. Reed and Trip are astounded. "Seven years!?" Trip coughs. "Frightening," Reed says, thinking that if he were Vulcan he might actually have sex more often. "Over the past few years, we've been developing methods to accelerate the mating cycle," Kov tells them. Trip asks Kov if he wants second helpings of his food. "I've had enough, thank you!" Kov says, strangely sounding almost indignant. Trip just nods and seems at a loss for words. "Back to work?" Kov suggests, completely oblivious to the Vulcan Viagra thoughts he's put into the humans' heads. Trip and Reed scramble up, and Kov says, "A pleasure meeting you, Mr. Reed!" "Likewise," Reed says. Trip and the Vulcan sexpert leave. Reed sniggers to himself. I wonder if he caught on to the fact that they were talking about accelerating Vulcan males' mating, not females. I really don't have the strength to point out, yet again, that Bermaga are trying so hard to prove they didn't watch any episode of TOS, especially not "Amok Time," in which Spock tells Kirk The Great Vulcan Secret of Pon Farr and how NO ONE outside of the Vulcan species knows about their Seven-Year Itch. Oh, wait -- I guess I found the strength after all. Must be because I'm surfing the Raz Stoli wave.
Bridge. Hoshi tells Quantum that she's picking up a transmission from Admiral Forrest. Quantum puffs himself up and says he'll pick up the extension in his Ready Room. Admiral Forrest tells Quantum that Vulcan engineer Kov has a very sick and very important High Command father, who desperately wants to get in touch with him and patch up their decade-old father-son rift before he dies. Quantum shows signs of balking at this request until Admiral Forrest reminds him, "The High Command let you keep your Science Officer; it wouldn't hurt to return the favor." Quantum stiff-necks an "Understood," and the admiral hangs up.
A candle-lit room. T'Pol blows a flame out, and we hear a voice-over of B'Stiller repeating his words about the Vulcan "primal nature" not being as dangerous as she thinks. A leggings-and-babushka-clad T'Pol walks through some dark and misty city streets, while bluesy sax notes wail in the distance. Suddenly, B'Stiller is hovering around T'Pol's ears on Enterprise, asking, "Do you like the taste?" Back to the misty streets and the sugar-free jazz moment. Babushka T'Pol slo-mos it to a bar, from which the strains of the irritating jazz emanate. She enters. Still hovering around T'Pol's ears, B'Stiller says, "You must've learned a great deal about emotion." Hey, B'Stiller, do the world a favor: pull your lip up over your head and swallow. Naked T'Pol lies in bed to Naked B'Stiller. They look like underfed mannequins. Naked B'Stiller turns his head on the pillow and asks Naked T'Pol, "Why do you stay here?" Babushka T'Pol looks around the jazz club and wonders what a Vulcan needs to do to get a Raz Stoli gimlet. The bright light of the Arachnid Nebula also manages to become part of her dream. Yeah, we get it: arachnid = spider = web entangling T'Pol. Boring. And is it just me, or do the nebula cloud formations look a little too Georgia O'Keeffe-ish, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. The two underfed mannequins make out under the sheets, creating as much on-air heat as two thawing breasts of chicken. Babushka T'Pol closes her eyes and lets the accelerating jazz creep over her like a rash. More malnourished mannequin making out. The Yoda action figure of Surak -- which looks so very oddly like Mel Brooks as Yogurt in Spaceballs -- falls to the floor and shatters. T'Pol jolts awake and finds herself alone in bed.
I don't know if it's the young Billy Crystal doppelganger or the mention of the Staedtler protractor, but there's just something I really like about that very German Volkswagen Beetle commercial.
Sick Bay. Phlox scans T'Pol and tells her, "This is more than a simple headache. Your blood pressure's elevated, and I'm reading unusually high synaptic activity. Doesn't appear to be a virus or a bacterial infection. I'd like to run a cranial scan, just to be safe." T'Pol tells him that's not necessary, and explains that the reason for her Vulcan problem is that she didn't meditate the night and, as a result, woke up with tousled sensibilities. She requests an injection of "inaprovaline." "Twenty-five milligrams should suffice," she says. It's her hormone replacement therapy. "Very well, 'Doctor,'" Phlox says ironically, and goes to oblige. Of course, he asks why she didn't meditate in the first place: "This wouldn't have anything to do with our visitors? You've been spending quite a bit of time on their ship." T'Pol tells him she's "become acquainted" with one of them, who suggested she eschew her meditations in order to have more interesting dreams. "And?" Phlox prompts her. "He was wrong," T'Pol says, "they were unsettling. It was a foolish thing to do." Phlox hyposprays her and says he understands why she might want to embrace their philosophy, and maybe she "shouldn't be so quick to dismiss it after one bad experience." T'Pol tells him, "There are too many risks. It would be unwise to continue." Phlox decides to accept her reasoning, but says, "If you do decide to experiment further, keep in mind that they've been working on this for a number of years. You've only known them for two days. Go slowly, hmm?" T'Pol thanks him and leaves.
Captain Butthead's Ready Room; he leans against the window, once more indicating by this stance that he shoulders the burden of many galaxies. Atlas he is not, and I really think he should consider giving that up for Lent. Kov enters and indicates that he's there at Quantum's request. Captain Lead Foot attempts to explain the situation with Kov's father, and delicately suggests that the Vulcan man-child make nice with Pater Vulcan. Note that I said "attempts." Kov resents this intrusion, and tells him he'll deal with it in his own way. Quantum acknowledges his nosiness, but keeps intruding regardless and asks if Kov plans on reaching out to touch his father. "The last time I spoke with my father, he said I brought shame to fifteen generations of our family," Kov says by way of a response. Yeah, well, parents are like that. Every time you turn around, you're shaming a bunch of ancestors. If it's not the tongue stud, it's the Neo-Nazi boyfriend or joining an emotional cult -- it's a generational thing. Quantum doesn't think so, and needlessly reminds the young Vulcan that his father is courting the Grim Reaper. Kov doesn't really care, and doesn't really want Quantum's needlepoint mottos either. "If it isn't too much trouble, would you please send a message back for me? Tell him that we said goodbye a long time ago," Kov says, and leaves. Quantum furrows.
Vahklas. B'Stiller prowls into the observatory and asks T'Pol about her meditation-free dreams while handing her a cup of chamomile tea. Once it becomes apparent that T'Pol isn't exactly leaping at the chance to dissect her dreams with him, B'Stiller tells her, "It will get easier. Tonight will be less disturbing." T'Pol informs him that she plans to go back to her meditation grind that very evening, but B'Stiller argues against that while literally backing T'Pol into a corner. T'Pol tries to return to work, but B'Stiller won't give up. "Tell me about your dreams. Your emotions were closer to the surface, it must've been intense," he oozes. ["Oh, please. 'Intense'? Go listen to a T'Dead bootleg, B'Stiller." -- Sars] T'Pol tells him, agitated, "It involved a memory. I was walking down a street in San Francisco on Earth." "And she wandered into the Castro. And she heard music. And suddenly everyone was doing the YMCA," Mathra chortles. B'Stiller puts his face really close to T'Pol's and asks her why she left the Vulcan compound. T'Pol tells him she was "curious about human recreation" and wanted to "see it for [her]self." "So you broke protocol," B'Stiller states. T'Pol explains that, as it was late and every Vulcan was snug in their beds with visions of logic dancing in their heads, she didn't think there would be any harm in slipping out. B'Stiller asks her where she went. "I simply walked," T'Pol tells him, "Then I heard music." "Music?" B'Stiller asks. "It was unusual. Chaotic. But I was drawn to it," T'Pol continues. "Go on," B'Stiller says, breathing heavily. She tells him she went into a restaurant "where musicians were playing," and sat at a table. B'Stiller asks how she felt. T'Pol says she can't recall. "Try!" B'Stiller urges. T'Pol tells him, "I felt…invigorated." Maybe she should lay off the Herbal Essences. "Emotion!" B'Stiller gasps out. "You felt emotion." T'Pol says, "Briefly," and turns away, telling him that the musicians finished playing and she went back to the compound. B'Stiller tells her, "You could feel that way again, T'Pol. It isn't difficult and it's nothing to be afraid of. I can show you how."
Engineering. Quantum asks Trip to meddle in Kov's personal life since he's been hanging out with him a lot. Trip says he'll try, even if it won't be as easy as pecan pie. Quantum brings up another subject -- which is also none of his business, so, of course, it's been weighing heavily on his mind -- and asks Trip what he thinks of B'Stiller. Trip says he hasn't gotten to know him, but he seems quiet and "a little sullen." Quantum states that T'Pol's been spending a lot of time with him. "Is that a problem?" Trip asks. Seriously. You were the one who encouraged her to interact with the Hippie Vulcans AND you gave her an assignment on their ship, Cpt. Hey, Jealousy. Quantum observes that T'Pol wasn't keen on the Hippie Vulcans when they first arrived, "I practically had to order her to work with them [uh, you did order her to work with them, there's no "practically" about it]. Now, they're almost inseparable." Trip comments that Quantum's beginning to sound a mite jealous. Quantum slings him A Look, and Trip hastens to say, "If I was the only human on a ship full of Vulcans, and we ran into an Earth vessel, I'd be spending as much time with them as I could. She likes being around her own kind -- who doesn't?" Quantum looks to be in need of Tums, and tells Trip to let him know more intimate details of Kov's private life when he's able to drag it out of the poor kid.
T'Pol's candlelit quarters. T'Pol and B'Stiller sit on the floor, facing one another, and T'Pol says, "Mind-meld?" B'Stiller explains that it's an "ancient technique, abandoned centuries ago" that helps Vulcans access each other's thoughts and emotions. T'Pol asks how the melding happens. Do they use a melder's torch? …What? I'm just so BORED. "I'd begin by creating a telepathic link," B'Stiller explains, "and we'd be able to share our memories, our thoughts. In essence, we'd become one mind. It's quite an experience but it is profoundly intimate. Are you prepared for that?" T'Pol doesn't say anything, so B'Stiller suggests a more "traditional" form of "guided meditation." "But it wouldn't be nearly as effective," he finishes. The camera zooms in on T'Pol's face as she says, "Proceed." I've been noticing that they haven't given T'Pol the typical Vulcan eyebrows on this show. Instead of actually making her look more like an alien being, they've given her a thickened-Kim-Novak look, which is more along the lines of traditional human beauty and looks, and is also more of a real eyebrow arch, rather than what other Vulcans seem to have, which is more like a one-way slant, going up. Know what I mean? It's like a circumflex accent, versus accent grave or accent aigu. Pretty cowardly of them if you ask me, and I know no one did, but I'm recapping and you're pretty much a captive audience, so there!
Anyway. B'Stiller unfolds his hands and raises them to T'Pol's face. He braces one hand on her shoulder and spreads the fingers of the other along her chin, cheekbone, and temple. Not quite as good as Spock, but we get the general idea. "It's all right," he whispers, "close your eyes. Try to focus on my voice." T'Pol closes her eyes. "My mind to your mind. Your thoughts to my thoughts. Our minds are merging. Our minds are becoming one," B'Stiller intones. T'Pol shakes him off and tells him it's not happening for her. B'Stiller tells her she's resisting and repositions his hands, saying, "Now, relax." He repeats his invocation, and T'Pol's eyes close and flutter, as if Jolene is rolling her eyeballs into the back of her head. B'Stiller shudders, and suddenly, T'Pol's eyes fly open and she gasps. "Am I with you?" B'Stiller asks, in his and T'Pol's head. "Yes," T'Pol's thoughts answer. "Can you sense my thoughts?" B'Stiller's mind asks. "Yes," T'Pol's mind answers. Aloud, B'Stiller tells her she's doing well and orders her to think about that night in San Fran when she heard the saxophone gently weep. We see Babushka T'Pol walking down the street again. "Good," B'Stiller says, a slightly maniacal glint in his eye. "Now listen. Can you hear the music?" T'Pol's eyes seem to fill with tears. I don't understand getting all worked up over a little Sun Ra and His Intergalactic Arkestra, MMCLI. B'Stiller orders T'Pol to follow the music and the memory. Babushka T'Pol goes into the restaurant again. "I can see why you were drawn to this place," B'Stiller says. "It's unlike anything on Vulcan. I'm not surprised it triggered an emotional response." Why -- is there an orgy going on, or just a bunch of people wandering around being illogical? Now, B'Stiller appears to be with Babushka T'Pol in the jazz café. B'Stiller asks T'Pol what else she felt besides "invigorated." "I don't know," Babushka T'Pol answers. B'Stiller insists that she does know; she just isn't used to describing emotions. "You experienced other things," he supplies for her, breathing hard. "Excitement at breaking protocol, apprehension about getting caught, and the music…the music made you feel…elated. Allow yourself to feel these emotions again."
Babushka T'Pol tries to turn away, but B'Stiller stops her, saying, "Don't hold them back." Babushka T'Pol gets up from the café table, saying she has to get back to the compound. B'Stiller grabs her wrist and says, "You're anxious, it's just another emotion." "Let me go," Babushka T'Pol insists. "Stay with me, T'Pol," B'Stiller says, warningly. Babushka T'Pol struggles against B'Stiller in the café and then with him in her quarters on Enterprise, trying to break the mind-meld. "Stop," T'Pol whimpers. "No!" B'Stiller gasps, as the jazz gets louder and louder, and they both shake with the effort of the mind-meld. A vein pops out on T'Pol's temple and she grips B'Stiller's hand, forces it from her face, and then shoves him across the room, rasping, "Stop!" They both gasp and wheeze. "This was a mistake," T'Pol trembles. "You've made progress," B'Stiller tells her hoarsely. "Don't give up now," he adds, almost tauntingly. "Please go," T'Pol says, trying to pull herself to her feet. "T'Pol," B'Stiller starts to say. "Leave!" she commands him. "You're feeling anger," B'Stiller tells her, near tears, "Your emotions are breaking the surface. Embrace them." T'Pol stares him down, and finally he gets to his feet. "What a shame," he throws over his shoulder as he leaves. T'Pol falls to the floor and drags herself to her desk. "T'Pol to Sick Bay," she says and puts her face down on the console. Wow. Anyone else have a migraine? Let's put aside the fact that I am shocked at how well-directed this scene actually turned out to be, because it is completely ruined by how disgusted I am with Brannon Braga's comment: "[W]e have a show coming up where T'Pol gets nasty with a Vulcan. And that's a real sexy show." Yeah, what is tantamount to rape in this episode is real sexy, big man.
Engineering. Kov and Trip argue about whether or not Kov has the right to make his own decisions about his family life. They have an interlude of technobabble before Trip decides to subtly attack the unsuspecting Kov from another angle. "Do Vulcans dance?" Trip asks suddenly. Kov just looks at him. "You know," Trip says, jiggling a bit from his crouching position. Kov tells him that Vulcans only dance for rituals and ceremonies. The French Horns Of Memory Lane pipe as Trip recalls the very first dance he ever went to in elementary school: "The girl I had a crush on, Melissa Lyles, was going to be there. So I spent weeks practicing the two-step with my brother. I wanted to make sure I was ready. She was wearing a red dress that night. [Elementary school kids went to dances at night?] Prettiest girl there. All I wanted to do was ask her to dance with me, but I never worked up the courage to go over and talk to her. I caught her looking at me a couple times, but I ended up just standing in a corner with my buddies." Kov thinks for a bit and decides that Trip is right; he should go home to Vulcan and ask T'Peggy Sue to T'Prom. Actually, Kov is funnier than that and says, "Interesting, but what does that have to do with our thruster problem?" Without missing a beat, Trip tells Kov, "It's been more than twenty years and I'm still kicking myself for not asking that girl to dance. You probably don't know this, but regret is one of the strongest emotions. And one of the saddest." Trip seems to know Kov inside and out as he tells the Vulcan man-child that he thinks Kov hasn't experienced regret yet, but he's about to. "It's something you might want to avoid," Trip says, looking off into the distant space around engineering.
Quantum's Ready Room. B'Stiller enters, and Quantum tells him Trip's done fixing their ship, so they should be warping off soon. "Yes," is all B'Stiller has to say. Quantum asks how the Arachnid Nebula survey is going. "We'll be done this afternoon," B'Stiller says. "That's great news," Quantum grins, and says he wants to thank him for all his help. B'Stiller preens that it was the least they could do, and they enjoyed spending time with Enterprise. "You have an exceptional crew, Captain," B'Stiller says. "Starfleet's finest," Quantum affirms, pouring coffee from his thermos. "Sleep well last night?" B'Stiller is puzzled. "Well enough," he responds. "You?" Quantum tells B'Stiller he "tossed and turned," but that's usual for him when they're "exploring someplace new." B'Stiller understands. I don't. "Well, if there's nothing more, Captain," B'Stiller says, getting up to leave, "I'm eager to get back to work. We have another twenty million cubic kilometers to chart." Quantum apologizes for detaining him and says, "I'm afraid you'll be working alone today." B'Stiller is surprised, and Quantum tells him T'Pol's in Sick Bay. "From what the doctor tells me, she's in pretty bad shape," Quantum says. "That's unfortunate," B'Stiller says, not batting an eye. "What happened?" "You know damn well what happened," Quantum says. It's a testament to how lousy an actor Bakula is in this scene that his tone of voice doesn't change one module with that line. "She told me about your -- what did she call it? -- mind-meld. She said when she asked you to stop, you got angry. She said she had to force you away," Quantum says, getting in the Vulcan's face. B'Stiller smirks and tells him that what went on between them is "personal." "It's not your concern," the Vulcan adds.
Quantum attempts to raise his voice a bit, saying, "You assaulted a member of my crew." "I did no such thing! Mind-melds can be emotionally turbulent [yeah, we get it, like sex for the first time can be 'emotionally turbulent,' so when someone says 'no' or 'stop,' she's really confused as to what she wants, right? Eech]. She simply panicked," B'Stiller says calmly. Quantum points out that panicking doesn't get you admitted to Sick Bay: "Our doctor said she could have suffered neurological damage, thanks to you." B'Stiller says no one forced her to try the mind-meld: "She did it willingly." Quantum accuses B'Stiller of "manipulating" T'Pol ever since he came on board, and B'Stiller says he's trying to help T'Pol "shed a lifetime of repression." "You of all people should understand what I am trying to do. You're human," B'Stiller states, then says he's going to go see T'Pol. Quantum blocks his way. "T'Pol's had enough of your 'help'!" he growls. "Stay away from her." B'Stiller argues that T'Pol is "in a crucial stage of her awakening" and "needs guidance." Quantum says, "I told you it's over." B'Stiller snorts and says that's for T'Pol to decide. Quantum steps in front of the door and says, "Maybe I'm not making myself clear: Sick Bay's off-limits." B'Stiller tells Quantum to get out of his way: "You'd be wise to let me leave." Quantum taunts him, asking if he's getting mad. Now, why is that a taunt to a Vulcan who admits to welcoming emotion? B'Stiller grabs at Quantum and tells him to "move aside." "T'Pol's right," Quantum observes. "You've got a temper." B'Stiller says, "Now!" and Quantum tells him, "Go to hell!" Remember when Kirk only said, "Go to the devil"? That was funny. B'Stiller shoves Quantum aside, but Quantum grabs at the Vulcan's wrist. Big mistake -- B'Stiller takes the opportunity to hoist Quantum to the ceiling and bang his big head against it, then he heaves him across the room. As Quantum winces and grunts in pain, B'Stiller approaches him. Quantum grabs a phase pistol from the back of his chair. Oohhh-kay? B'Stiller stops and says, "You planned this." Quantum hauls himself to his feet and says, "If I had known I was going to get thrown across the room that hard, I might have tried a different approach. I think it's time you and your friends went on your merry way." B'Stiller clenches his jaw a few times. Is it pointless for me to mention that Quantum pretty much threw T'Pol in the Hippie Vulcans' path, and therefore he has some 'splaining to do?
Amidst Trip's final technobabble instructions, Kov tells Trip he found out that his father's condition is improving; he might live a few more years. "I'm glad to hear it," Trip says. "That'll give you a little more time to think about making that call." That's where he's wrong, because, as Kov tells him, he got the update on his father's condition from his father's own lips. Aww. NOT. Kov thanks Trip, who slaps his shoulder and says, "Anytime." Kov leaves, and Trip looks very pleased with himself and his square-dance allegory.
The Vulcan ship leaves. Quantum rings T'Pol's doorbell and finds her meditating. He asks if she's feeling better. "Has the Vulcan ship left?" she asks. Quantum tells her they left twenty minutes ago. "Then, yes, I'm feeling better," T'Pol says, sighing. Quantum looks around at her candles and squats down to her level. He asks if she has a séance every night. "Every night," she affirms. Quantum slowly tells her that he thinks he finally gets the big, pointy picture. T'Pol looks at him, and he gets up to leave, saying he'll see her in the morning. Again with the Soap Opera Stop At The Door as T'Pol says, "Captain, do you dream?" Quantum tells her he does, "Sometimes they're even in color." T'Pol asks if the dreams are "enjoyable." "Most nights," Quantum tells her, a bit puzzled. "I envy you. Good night," T'Pol says. Quantum leaves, thinking, "Damn, just when I thought I had it all figured out, she throws this conundrum at me!" T'Pol meditates.
Looks like week is a repeat of an episode where Quantum interferes with pre-warp aliens. Bet that'll keep you guessing which one it is!