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Those responsible for this episode should have paid better attention to the title and just let it lie. In the crapper. Reed, Hoshi, and T'Pol suit up and dress down for a search and retrieval mission on a ship set adrift near a gas giant, while Quantum molders aboard Enterprise and makes futile suggestions. Phlox gets another aggressive patient, Trip welds stuff, and Mayflower went to play with Tiger the dog and Cousin Oliver. The plot went nowhere, and while it was on its way to Nowhere, it stopped off at a sieve factory in order to add french tips onto its gaping holes. Seriously, Bragermen? Please hire some real writers, if you need suggestions, just look around this site. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Before I begin, I'd like to thank all the concerned citizens who sent me mail this week explaining that "Neander-doll" is the correct German pronunciation of the word "Neanderthal." Believe it or not, I was aware of the correct pronunciation, which is why I didn't make a big deal out of Phlox's pronunciation. See, I'm a writer, and as a writer, my job is to get across to the reader what it feels like to watch what I am writing about. Hence, my phonetic spelling of the word was aimed at letting my readers know how Phlox himself pronounced it.
A disembodied hand loads up a phase pistol with a cartridge, making that high-pitched TWEE! noise. Reed is facilitating target practice with Hoshi. As she fires somewhat ineffectually at a computer-generated graphic -- not entirely unlike the metal-studded ball Skywalker uses to learn how to "use the Force, Luke" with a light saber -- Reed calculates Hoshi's performance on an e-pad. He tells her her hit-to-fire ratio is still under fifty percent. Apparently, she can't get the hang of this newfangled weapon, preferring the EM-33 instead. Reed gets all warmed up and says, "This is an entirely new weapon. Unlike the EM-33, you don't have to compensate for particle drift. Just point straight at the target and try to keep your shoulders relaxed. It's hard to aim accurately when you're tense." Okay, Arnold Palmer. Reed hands the weapon back to Hoshi and hacks out a cough (gee, is that going to be significant later on?), but before she can try again, the ship's engines audibly power down -- broadcasting that they're coming out of warp. Hoshi and Reed both wonder why they are dropping out since they were scheduled to be warping for the few days. Reed checks a panel. "Oh, we're approaching a gas giant. Class Nine," he informs Hoshi, who comments that her target practice will have to take a sideline to examining a flatulent Shatner.
I've started singing the theme song around the house. Shut up. Look, just because I'm getting brainwashed doesn't mean I like it. "There. Are. Four lights!"
A probe is launched at the gas giant to investigate what it had for dinner and to energize some antacids, if necessary. Back on Enterprise, T'Pol reports the progress of Probe Pepto-Bismol. They manage to get an audio playback, which sounds so very much like whale songs that I start to hope the channel switched to TNN, which is airing Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home. T'Pol tells the collective, "Intense magnetic fields often create unique wave forms." Travis "The Boomer" Mayflower volunteers, "Siren calls!" Cpt. Quantum looks at him. "That's what we called them when I was a kid. My dad would put them through the speakers whenever we flew by a gas giant. It gave me nightmares sometimes." Nice dad. Although I guess I shouldn't talk, since I have a mother who stuffed my dad's old clothes with newspaper, tied the pieces together to make a body, slapped a mask on the thing, and threw it out her bedroom window so it fell past the living room window in which I was having a sleepover. Never saw so many wet sleeping bags. I think having those noises constantly playing could drive a few people quite nutty. Quantum signals Hoshi to turn off the audio. "Other than keeping Ensign Mayweather up at night, I'm not sure what we expect to accomplish here," T'Pol says. Heh. T'Pol points out that the humans have four gas giants in their own solar system, but Quantum says, "None of them are Class Nine. I think this one's worth a closer look." Of course you do. Something starts beeping -- demanding immediate care and attention in the style of Mariah Carey -- and T'Pol looks through her SpockViewer. "I'm reading an anomalous power signature in the lower atmosphere. And several bio-signs," she reports, punctuating her speech with a thrustage of bustage. Quantum furrows his brow (wait, which "Furrowed Brow" should we interpret this to be?) and orders someone to get the probe closer to the anomalous power signature. We can barely make out a Klingon ship through the orange crushy mist.
Sick bay. Reed grabs at a tissue and snuffles, "We can travel faster than the speed of light. You'd think we could find a cure for the common cold." Sorry, Bermaga, but I believe that line was already used in TNG. Phlox tuts him, saying that the human common cold is incredibly mild compared to the Kamaraazite flu. "He sneezed so violently, he almost regurgitated his pineal gland," Phlox says. Snerk -- Phlox just called Reed a wimp, but by the way, gross. Speaking through a snot-packed nose, Reed comments that he doesn't know how it is even possible for him to catch a cold in a hermetically sealed environment. Phlox brainstorms what outside influences could have snuck in and incubated themselves in Reed's system. "I did open a case of plasma coolant," Reed snarfs. "Whoever packed that case was probably nursing a cold," Phlox says, preparing a hypospray. Reed grabs at more tissues and sneezes, commenting he opened that plasma coolant five months ago in spacedock. Lord, has it been five months? I think this has been my longest continuous gig yet. "You underestimate the tenacity of a virus, Lieutenant. [You can say that again.] It can lay dormant for months, adapt to whatever environment it finds itself in." Phlox says. Phlox hyposprays Reed's neck and tells him to go straight to bed, but since we haven't had it sufficiently hammered into our heads that Reed is being cast as a workaholic, he rejects this advice. "The captain wants me on the team investigating that shipwreck," he says. Somehow, investigating a shipwreck in space doesn't seem as romantic as investigating one twenty-thousand leagues under the sea. Phlox tells him to try not to sneeze in his helmet. Yuck -- someone in the twenty-second century would do well to invent mini-windshield wipers to clean off the globs of phlegm.
Hoshi pays the captain a visit in his Ready Room, and she seems mightily nervous about something as she works herself into a conversation about the shipwreck. Please, oh, please don't tell me she's going to play the wimp again. Luckily, the writers have decided to take Linda Park to the level, so instead of begging off of the mission, Hoshi is actually asking to be on the mission. "I realize that I haven't always been the first to volunteer for this type of mission, but I want you to know that I am prepared to go. It took awhile, but I think I finally got my space legs," Hoshi says. Quantum toys with her a bit, saying the away mission has no need for a translator, before giving in and admitting that T'Pol specifically asked that Hoshi be included on the team. So, you could say that T'Pol wants Hoshi playing for her team? Hoshi looks surprised and pleased. "You better get to the launch bay before they leave without you," Quantum joshes. Hoshi beats a hasty retreat.
Launch Bay. The three stooges suit up; Hoshi examines her helmet. When T'Pol notices this, Hoshi says she's just checking the back-up systems. "I wouldn't want the emergency oxygen to fail during a hull breach," she says. Reed assures her that if they encounter a hull breach, she'll be crushed like a walnut before she has time to think about breathing. Words of comfort. T'Pol questions Hoshi's willingness to come along, but Hoshi tells her that the EV suit no longer makes her claustrophobic. What? Has she been wearing it around her cabin in order to break it in since the last time she had it on for real? The shuttle pod launches, and they're off. T'Pol and Reed analyze the gravity pull and location of the Klingon ship, and Reed determines that the shuttle pod hull will stand up under the pressure. "For the moment, but at the rate that vessel is sinking, we'll have an hour at most," T'Pol says. Hoshi twits T'Pol for sounding "uncomfortable." "I'm merely stating facts," T'Pol says, and Reed assures them that they'll be "well out of there" before they're in any real danger, since he has no desire to destroy a "valuable shuttle pod." "Or three valuable officers," Hoshi says. What's that about last words and famous? The three actors shimmy and shake about in their chairs, and T'Pol says they've come across some liquid helium. The actors stop shaking, and T'Pol reports, "We're clear." The shuttle pod gets closer and closer until they are finally able to dock and board the adrift vessel.
Klingon ship. T'Pol scans with her tricorder and reports, "Nitrogen-oxygen atmosphere. Carbon dioxide levels are high but nothing toxic. It's breathable." Hoshi invites Reed to take off his helmet first. He does, followed by T'Pol. The helmets make a cool click-and-hiss noise as the vacuum seal is unlocked. T'Pol gets a noseful of air and says, "Perhaps we should leave the helmets on," as Hoshi starts coughing from apparent stench. Reed wonders what they're talking about. "You can't smell that?" Hoshi asks. "Do, this dam code," Reed says, suddenly reafflicted with a stuffy nose not present in the shuttle pod scene. Hoshi tells him to consider himself lucky as they set off to explore the ship. The ship's interior is very dark and smoky -- yet another sign that it's a Klingon vessel. Hoshi sees some markings on a bulkhead and tells her team to take a look at it. "It says, 'Deck Two, Red Sector,'" Hoshi translates. "What language?" Reed asks. "Klingon," Hoshi announces, and the three pull out weapons. Now, why are they doing that, exactly? Nothing we've seen has really shown the Klingons to be any more bite than bark. I mean, I applaud them for being way more cautious than their "hail fellows well met" yokel of a captain, but I still have a really hard time regarding the Klingons as truly evil. "I thought you knew Klingon ships," Hoshi accuses T'Pol. "How could you not recognize this one from the outside?" T'Pol says she's not familiar with all their models since they have many classes. Whatever; I recognized it from the outside because it looked very much like the other bird-of-prey-ish ship they encountered in "Unexpected."
T'Pol reports that she's reading three very weak bio-signs ahead, and the search-and-retrieval party presses on. "How weak?" Hoshi asks, rather tremulously, but everyone ignores her. They enter what appears to be the bridge of the ship and examine a few Klingons who are lying about. "They're still alive," T'Pol reports. "We should leave before they regain consciousness." Reed asks, "And what if they don't? The atmosphere's going to crush this ship like an eggshell, pretty soon." Hoshi asks if they shouldn't help them, but T'Pol tells her that the Klingons don't want their help. "How do you know?" Hoshi asks. "They're Klingons. To die at their posts assures them a path to the afterlife. If we rescue them, they'd be dishonored," T'Pol tells her. In the absence of the real thing, Reed feels the need to act like Captain Save-a-Lot, and says, "Well, I for one don't intend to just fly off and let these people die -- honorable deaths or not." T'Pol, sounding way too suspiciously like Phlox in the last episode, tells Reed that compassion is all well and good, but really neither here nor there in this situation, since the Klingons would kill them if they found them on their ship.
Klingon Galley. The camera pans to show us a nice spread of Klingon food: a few hanging targ, gagh, gladst...the usual appetizing fare. A cold storage door opens, and a Klingon female enters the scene.
Klingon Bridge. The away team fully removes their helmets, and T'Pol reports back to Quantum that they found three Klingons on the bridge, but she's detected "at least nine more bio-signs" elsewhere on the ship. "You can't tell what happened to them?" Quantum asks, with presumptive incredulity in his voice. Uh, no, Cpt. Butthead -- she's not a doctor, and for some reason known only to your sub-space intellect, you didn't order your ship's doctor on this mission. T'Pol's a bit more respectful in her reply: "I'm detecting residual amounts of a carbon dioxide-based neurotoxin, but it seems to have dissipated -- there's not enough to affect us." Quantum asks Trip how long the shuttle pod's hull will hold, and Trip tells them they have about thirty minutes. Quantum tells T'Pol she's got twenty minutes "to see if [she] can do anything for that crew," then he wants her "out of there." T'Pol says she doesn't think there's anything they can do for the crew in twenty minutes, and suggests they leave now. "You have a margin of safety," Quantum tells her, and then his com link fuzzes out. "Damn interference," Reed is heard to say from the Klingon bridge, as the camera shows the Klingon female creeping along a corridor. Reed, T'Pol, and Hoshi argue about what course of action they should take as the Klingon female crashes about elsewhere on the ship. Reed goes to investigate, and gets beaten up. T'Pol and Hoshi try to fire at the Klingon, but she escapes through some sliding doors. A red light goes off over the sliding doors, and there's some rumbling. "What's that?" Hoshi asks, getting a little close to hysteria. "That's our shuttle pod taking off," T'Pol tells her. Reed rubs his head and climbs to his feet.
Enterprise bridge. Trip fiddles with stuff as Quantum tries unsuccessfully to contact T'Pol. "Captain," Mayflower breathes, as a shuttle pod comes whizzing by them out of the malodorous depths of the gas giant. Quantum tries to hail the pod, but it just isn't happening. Mayflower reports with a tinge of concern, "Sir, they're heading into open space." Quantum jumps out of his chair to examine the situation. Trip, who has been futzing some more with Hoshi's communication devices, says, "I think I've got something!" Klingonese comes across the airwaves until they manage to get the UT warmed up. "...in range. Respond. We've been attacked by an unknown ship, designation Enterprise NX-01 any warships in range, respond," the voice says. It's quite convenient that the UT can always rely upon these alien transmissions to repeat themselves, so they get the complete message when the translation interface eventually kicks in. Also convenient that, by this point, Klingons have made such an exhaustive study of Earthlings that even a minor officer can read the English characters on a ship's hull and establish that particular ship's designation and name. Quantum orders Trip to deploy the grappling hooks. Trip deploys, and they nab the pod in one go. Quantum orders a security team to the launch bay, and hooks Trip into joining him. "The bridge is yours, Travis," he tells Mayflower. Wonder if Boomer Boy is going to try to sneak into the Porsche seat again.
Quantum, Trip, and the security team edge into the launch bay and cautiously examine the area. A red-shirt approaches the open pod door, and gets a Klingon on his face for his trouble. The female Klingon picks up the red-shirt's weapon just as Trip fires at her from behind. She struggles, but is hit by another phaser stream from Quantum, which manages to knock her completely to the ground. Quantum coms the bridge and asks if Mayflower still has "a fix" on the shipwreck. Mayflower confirms that he does, and Quantum tells him to transfer the shipwreck's coordinates to the launch bay. He's going in after them. Mayflower doth protest a bit, saying, "Sir, the alien ship sunk another two thousand meters. It's below the shuttle's safety limits." Quantum furrows his brow, but I'm not sure if this is his Concerned Look, his Confused Look, or his Resolute Look. "Then polarize the hull plating, we'll take Enterprise down," Quantum decrees. Ah, I see, it was his Making A Stupid Decision That's Not Going To Get Us Anywhere Look. Trip nods in proud agreement.
Klingon shipwreck. As he and Hoshi examine more control panels, Reed bewails their outcast state and their distinct lack of a clue on how to get off of the ship. "What about escape pods?" Hoshi asks. Reed says they know nothing about the structural integrity of Klingon escape pods: "My guess is we're better off in here." T'Pol steps in, saying, "It's irrelevant, Lieutenant, Klingons don't use escape pods. It would be considered an act of cowardice to abandon ship." I guess that's that. Hoshi suggests trying to use the Klingon communication system to contact their mother ship, but T'Pol kills that hope as well, saying, "I doubt their com will penetrate the EM field any better than our own. If we can access their helm controls we might be able to put this vessel in a stable orbit." Reed protests that he doesn't know how to fly a Klingon ship, but T'Pol tells him to deal. "We have no other choice," she says. Noises that are supposed to signify the strain on the ship's hull resound around them. It's really like the sounds a submarine crew might hear as the water pressure increases the deeper down they go -- very good effort on the special effects tip. The three blind mice look around in unease, and T'Pol orders Hoshi, "Start translating those consoles. Look for anything marked 'propulsion,' 'helm,' 'navigation.' " Hoshi says, "I'll try, but reading Klingon is different than [sic] speaking it." Yeah, generally, it's easier to read a language than it is to speak it. Reed suggests rousing one of the Klingons to help her.
Hoshi goes over to some computer screens and starts studying them. She mutters some Klingonese and then says, "'Plasma containment,' maybe?" She turns to T'Pol at her side, who asks, "You're certain?" Hoshi turns back to the panel. "'Containment,'" she repeats, and looks at T'Pol: "I'm certain." Hoshi moves onto the panel, and translates it: "Something they call photon torpedoes?" Reed falls all over himself to look at the panel: "Photon torpedoes, I never heard of anything like that!" Hey, I didn't order anvils on my pizza! Send it back. Reed asks what else she's got up the Klingon sleeve, and Hoshi explains that they're looking at the weapons system, listing, "Torpedoes, tactical sensors, disruptor arrays..." "What about this one?" T'Pol asks from another panel. Hoshi bends her expert eyes on it and says, "I recognize 'pressure.' Ka'tahl, that could mean wall or barrier." "Or hull?" T'Pol asks, ominously, as Reed says, "If I'm reading this correctly, we've got a few hours at the most. The hull integrity is failing." "Then we better hurry," T'Pol says flatly. Reed nods. T'Pol walks over to another panel and says, "This appears to be the helm station." Hoshi agrees, "Quee nagah -- 'impulse drive.'" T'Pol looks at her, and Reed says, "Good work, Hoshi," as he sits down at the controls. He presses some buttons, and a really loud alarm goes off. "Hoshi?" he asks, anxiously. Hoshi leans over to look at the panel and reads, "It says the pressure's failing in the J'khat bah -- fusion manifold -- do you know what that means?" Hoshi is just the woman. Reed nods and says, "To quote our very own Mr. Tucker, that means 'we're ded in tha warter.' " I think Dominic Keating has a thing about imitating an American accent. This is his second attempt.
Suddenly the Voice of Doom reaches them. "Archer to boarding party, come in!" Hoshi responds, and Quantum asks how they're "holding up." "We're doing okay, sir, it's nice to hear your voice," Hoshi gushes. Quantum asks what their status is, and T'Pol explains that they've tried to ignite the Klingon engines, but "they appear to be offline." Quantum tells them they're on their way to pick them up, and asks Maypole how much farther until they reach them. "Ten thousand meters," Mayday answers, "but I'm having a hard time getting a fix on them. Too much interference." Quantum asks Trip if their probe is still in operation. "Barely," Trip says, bending over Reed's com station. Quantum tells him to use it to "triangulate their position." Bet that was a tough one for him to get out. Trip concentrates as the camera takes us -- hold your noses, now -- deep into the gas giant so that we can see the probe. As it explodes. "The probe's gone," Trip reports. Who else is willing to bet that Trip hit the wrong button and made it self-destruct? Quantum looks startled, and the submarine underwater noise starts happening on Enterprise. "Sir, external pressure's at maximum," MayJune reports. Quantum coms the landing party: "I'm afraid we've got a little hitch in our rescue plan." The camera focuses on Mayfair, who says, "The hull plating's failing!" Quantum does some furrowing and coms the landing party again: "We'll be back for you as soon as we can. In the meantime just sit tight --" Static, fuzz, and lint suffuses the rest of his message. On the Klingon ship, Hoshi tries to tell Quantum they can't hear him, but their com link fails.
Sick bay. The Klingon female (who is called Bu'Kah in the captioning) is strapped to an examining table, and she's not taking too kindly to it. She spews the usual Klingon drivel: "Let me die on my feet!" "Cowards!" "Honor!" You get the general particle drift. Phlox confirms T'Pol's earlier suspicions, diagnosing, "There's a neurotoxin in her blood stream. Untreated, it could kill her within a day or two." Quantum asks if the doc can do something about it, and Phlox says he's working on it. "T'Pol says the Klingons were unconscious -- why is this one so lively?" Trip asks. Can someone explain to me, why is he there, again? Doesn't he have engineering stuff to do? Phlox says the Klingon female is showing the effects of hypothermia. "My guess is she took refuge in a low-temperature environment aboard her ship. The cold would have delayed the effects of the toxin," Phlox says. Bu'Kah demands to see the captain, but as Quantum starts to swagger over, Trip stops him mid-swag and says, "You know, I read if they sense a leader's weak, they'll try to kill him and take command." Trip gives him a clenched fist of support. Mathra complains from around the rim of his Pink Lady, "I'm sorry, but this whole idea they have going where Trip reads stuff is completely implausible." "I'm the captain," Quantum tells her. "I've never seen your kind before, but you have made an enemy of the Klingon empire!" Bu'Kah says. Again, if she's never seen his "kind" before, how was she able to decipher the English characters on the ship's hull?! Quantum says it doesn't seem to take much effort to make enemies with Klingons. "You stranded three of my people down there," he says. "You raided my vessel, infected my crew!" Bu'Kah bellows. Quantum says that they didn't go and infect anyone -- not this week, anyway -- and that they boarded their ship in order to help them. "Liar!" Bu'Kah hisses, and looks away. I note that she's not wearing the costume with the Dinners Window that was such a part of B'Etor and Lursa's personas. Quantum strides around sick bay and rants that they had nothing to do with what happened to her crew, but her ship is going to get smushed soon, so she better help them get his people off it, or else. "If you tell them how to get the engines running, they can fly it out of there," Quantum says. "And fly it where? Back to your world to steal our secrets?" Bu'Kah demands. Now she's just being bumptious. "No," Quantum says, giving her a look stonier than a Biblical execution. "When our Birds of Prey arrive your ship will be destroyed," Bu'Kah says, giving us the first mention of massive Klingon vessels that get dropped into a plotline black hole. Quantum quits trying to reason with her and leaves sick bay, saying to Trip, "Remind me to stop trying to help people." I remind you of that EVERY WEEK. Ass. Trip stifles a smile and follows him out. Because leaving Hoshi, Reed, and T'Pol to die on a Klingon ship is très droll.
Bridge. Maywho displays some Klingon ship graphics for Trip and Quantum to examine. "I found these schematics in the Vulcan database. It's a Raptor Class scout vessel," he tells them. I guess this means T'Pol hasn't studied everything in the Vulcan database if she didn't recognize the ship from the exterior. Quantum asks how long the ship will last under the pressure from Shatner's wind breaking. Maywho tells them the Klingon ship's hull is twice as thick as theirs: "It's reinforced by some sort of coherent molecular alloy." "Yeah, that's a tough little ship," Trip drawls, "but it can't hold up under that pressure forever." Trip then suggests reinforcing their shuttle pod with some technobabble. "It won't look pretty but it might hold up long enough for us to get our people out," he finishes. Maywho says that the only other option is for T'Pol, Reed, and Hoshi to fix the Klingon ship and fly it out of danger themselves. Quantum says they're not going to get any help from their Klingon patient, so he tells Trip to get started on his technobabble reinforcers and instructs Maywho to climb into the crow's nest and watch for approaching Klingon vessels of mass destruction. Mention number two of Klingon ships that slide into a tear in the time-space continuum of this episode.
Klingon ship. Reed examines some cruddy-looking devices in a crawl space and gripes, noticeably without his stubbed-ub dose, "The one time we need our chief engineer is the one time we leave him behind." Seriously. I really can't comprehend what kind of filter Quantum was checking when he dreamed up this away team. Boarding a shipwreck would automatically necessitate an engineer more than a weapons expert. Not only that, but they detected weak bio-signs when they stumbled across the ship, so Phlox would have been another obvious inclusion. The Dancing Doctor went on almost every away mission and it made perfect sense to have her and her medical tricorder along. Of course, it was a natural reaction for Picard, whereas Quantum and common sense are perfect strangers. Hoshi tells T'Pol and Reed to come look at something, and we can now see that the three of them found it necessary to strip down to their skivvies. Weird, dark grey, Danskin-like skivvies, too. Hoshi has found what appears to be the Klingon Captain's video log, and she pulls out her UT in order to translate the Captain's final words. "...Class Planet. We destroyed their ship, but we've sustained damage in our port fusion injector [Hoshi and T'Pol look pointedly at Reed]. We've descended into the outer atmosphere of a Q'tahl Class Planet to make repairs in case there are other Xarantine ships in the area [The Klingon Captain hacks and takes a swig of something.] My crew is falling ill and I have been unable to determine why. If we had died when the Xarantine attacked, our honor would be secure but to fall victim to some disease, to be crushed into nothing in the depths of this miserable planet..." The Captain hacks some more, and the video fuzzes off. Reed notes that they need to find the port fusion injector. "Wait, I saw that somewhere," Hoshi says, clicking some buttons on a display. She points at a graphic of the ship: "Here, one deck below us -- it's in the 'reactor pit.'" Reed asks if that could mean 'Engineering.' I assume so, because the fantastic three cautiously make their way through the dark corridors, pointing their phasers police drug-bust style as they round corners. T'Pol examines another collapsed Klingon as Hoshi and Reed survey the control panels. Hoshi finds the correct one, which happens to have a comatose Klingon hunched over it. Reed and T'Pol haul him off and get to work.
Enterprise's bowels, where sparks fly. Quantum assists Trip as they technobabble on some reinforcements to the shuttle pod. Is there any real reason why Quantum has to groove on this Flashdance vibe and become a welder? I mean, where are all the other real engineers? Quantum philosophizes that he made a "tactical error" with their Klingon patient, elucidating, "I asked her for help, she could see that as a sign of weakness." Trip quips, "Have you been boning up on your Klingon psychology?" Apparently, he had when he made that comment in sick bay about Klingons killing off their leaders, so what's the big? Quantum comments that every time they run into Klingons, the Klingons want to kill them. Man, do I sympathize with the Klingons, or what? Trip says they should try to "steer clear" of them in the future, but the Captain tells him it's not so easy, especially with three of their crew stuck on one of their doomed vessels. Trip seems to need constant reminding of that fact. "If we could reestablish a com signal with T'Pol and the others, the Klingon woman could probably talk them through the repairs. But she's got a thousand generations of instinct telling her not to trust me," Quantum whines. "Well, maybe it's time you started thinking like a Klingon," Trip says. Thanks for your enlightening flash of intellect, Commander Bumpkin, but I thought that's what this conversation was all about in the first place.
Klingon ship. Reed wearily makes repairs and drops his tool behind a pipe. Poor thing looks licked to a custard. He staggers to his feet, squinting, and lurches forward, using a metal duct for support. There's a sizzling sound, and Reed yelps. Mmm, burning flesh -- it's what's for dinner! Hoshi rushes to his side and asks if he's okay. "Yes, I seem to be getting a little light-headed. It must be the heat," Reed groans, shaking his hand. T'Pol scans him and tells him he's dehydrated and needs water. Hoshi says she saw a galley in the schematics, and grabs a weapon. "You shouldn't go alone," T'Pol tells her, and follows. "Watch yourselves," Reed wheezes, examining his hand again.
Klingon galley. Hoshi makes a grab for her nose as she and T'Pol look around at the mounds of Klingon food. Hoshi picks up a bowl of gagh, and T'Pol tells her what it is: "It's a Klingon delicacy. But only when they're alive." "They look like worms," Hoshi says, examining them. "They are worms," T'Pol tells her. Hoshi looks nauseated and puts the bowl down. Hoshi stirs a ladle around in a big pot of something, but lifts out a animal skull and starts to gag. What did she expect to find, what with the bowl of worms, the hanging targ carcasses (I think Worf may have been a little put off to see his childhood pet treated in such a way), and whatever else? They investigate a noise, which seems to be emanating from behind a large door. CGI targs snarl and bark at them from their harnesses. T'Pol explains, "Targs. Klingons prefer their food freshly slaughtered," as she shuts the door. Hoshi sits down, clearly in the beginning phases of hyperventilation. Somebody know where we can find a paper bag? T'Pol asks, not unkindly, if she's all right. "I promised myself I wouldn't do this," Hoshi says. "You're in a dangerous situation in an alien environment. Your anxiety is understandable," T'Pol says. Hoshi looks up and says, "Don't you mean for a human?" T'Pol tells her she can't deny her nature. "This may sound strange," Hoshi says, "but I envy you sometimes." T'Pol looks steadily at her. "I know," Hoshi avers, "another pesky human emotion but there are times I wish I could just ignore my feelings -- bury them the way Vulcans do." Instead of running for the smelling salts, T'Pol holds out her hand. "Take my hand," she says quietly. "Excuse me?" Hoshi says, confused. T'Pol kneels and says, "My hand." I know you have a lot to learn about humans, T'Pol, but trust me, now is not the time to propose marriage. Hoshi places her hand in the Vulcan's.
T'Pol turns Hoshi's hand over, palm up, and tells her to close her eyes. Are they going to levitate like Willow and Tara did? Hoshi closes her eyes, and T'Pol says, "Think of yourself on a turbulent ocean. You have the power to control the waves." Think of yourself on a boat on a river with tangerine trees and marmalade skies. Hoshi sits for a bit before saying, "Whatever you're trying to do, it's not working." Hey, what about Reed dying of thirst on the deck above? He's probably talking to the girl with kaleidoscope eyes by now. I think I'm cracking too many jokes during this scene -- I can't help it, I'm giddy. "Focus," T'Pol instructs her, "The waves are subsiding, the water is growing still. You're in control." Hoshi visibly relaxes and opens her eyes. "That was...amazing," she says in wonder. "When we return to the ship, I'll teach you how to do it on your own," T'Pol says, her face shinier with sweat than Hoshi's is. She closes up Hoshi's hand with both of hers. "Thanks," Hoshi says, sincerely. Now, that would be neat idea if they took it further: a human trying to emulate Vulcan ways? I don't recall anyone doing that before. The ship convulses. T'Pol demands a report from Reed. "The hull's pressure's approaching critical. This ship's about to be crushed," Reed shouts amidst minor explosions and sparkage. That was an interesting scene -- one which Linda Park and Blalock pulled off pretty well, in fact.
Klingon ship. Reed swigs some liquid -- we don't know if it's actually water, do we? -- from an earthenware jug and says, "It will work." T'Pol tells him that if he's wrong, he could destroy the ship. The ship creaks, and the sparks, well, they just keep on flying. "Look, even with Hoshi's help, it could take hours just to find the fusion injector in here," Reed says, dodging a few explosions. "We're out of time!" I really don't see any call for T'Pol to be sticking her dinners as far out as she's sticking them in this scene, but I notice that the director made sure the light fell across her chest, while Hoshi's is kept in relative darkness. "I say we try the weapons," Hoshi says. "How do you know you can even access the tactical systems?" T'Pol asks Reed. Reed tells her, "If there's one thing on board this ship I ought to be able to figure out, it's the torpedoes."
Meanwhile, in the calm and comfort of Quantum's Ready Room on Enterprise, Trip tells Quantum he'd like to run one more structural diagnostic on the shuttle pod before it's launched. Quantum takes his report from him and says, "Qapla'!" Trip's confused. Again. "Success!" Quantum explains, "I decided to take your advice about thinking like a Klingon. The Vulcan database has about nine hundred pages on them." Trip asks if he's learned anything. "Plenty. They're driven by a warrior mentality. They tend to view anyone they meet as a potential enemy," Quantum says. Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't T'Pol tell them all this in "Unexpected"? Are they admitting that they just weren't listening to a word she said because their racist attitudes stuck extra large cotton balls in their ears? Trip comments that that's why their patient is so ornery with them. "They also have a strong sense of duty. Uh, Heh CHo' mruak tah, 'death before dishonor,'" Quantum translates. He is pensive for half a nanosecond before telling Trip to finish with his diagnostic. "I'll be in sick bay," he says and starts to leave. "Gonna go put yer homewerk to use?" Trip asks. "Something like that," Quantum says. What a sparkling conversationalist. Save him a place at the Algonquin Captain's Table.
Phlox holds up a hypospray and looks at Quantum, who nods. Phlox zaps the comatose Klingon. Bu'Kah struggles, but Phlox puts a hand on her shoulder, telling her to relax or she might hurt herself. Bu'Kah looks at the hypospray suspiciously: "What's that? Is that what you used against my crew?" Quantum tells her the good doctor has developed an antidote to combat the neurotoxin that is afflicting her and her crew. "Is this how you plan to gain my trust? First poison me and then miraculously cure me?" Bu'Kah asks. Quantum ignores this ingenious idea -- but files it away for future reference on how to gain the trust of another naïve race -- and asks if she's had a drink lately. How can she be on this show and not be blind drunk by now? Bu'Kah doesn't know what he's talking about. "The bio-agent that affected you and your crew was consumed apparently in alcohol," Quantum tells her. "Specifically the toxin was bonded to a molecule unique to Xarantine ale," Phlox says. Isn't it convenient for all the research on Star Trek that certain things seem to have molecules "unique" only to those substances? I can't even begin to count the number of times that seems to happen. Bu'Kah leans back and says, "There was a raid." Quantum tries to get her to go on, but she clamps her jaws together. "I can understand your not wanting to talk about it, if the raid went badly for you," Quantum says, egging her on with brilliant reverse psychology, hold the "brilliant." Bu'Kah gets irate and screeches, "The Xarantines are no match for us! We attacked their outpost and took what we wanted!" "And that included some Xarantine ale?" Phlox asks. Bu'Kah nods proudly. Quantum asks if the whole crew indulged, and Bu'Kah says, "The triumph belonged to all." Quantum tells her that's what infected them, not the Enterprise crew, and tells her to think about when the crew started getting ill. "Was it right after the raid? After you celebrated your victory?" he asks. Bu'Kah says she's being tricked, and there's a bunch of back-and-forth with the Klingon being stubborn as a mule. Finally Quantum puts his Klingon studies to good use and tells her she'd be letting her crew die a dishonorable death when she could be their savior.
The Klingon ship fires a torpedo, and Hoshi calculates how far it's going. At three thousand meters, Reed detonates the explosive, and the ship is hit by the backwash. "No effect," Hoshi reports. "We're still sinking." T'Pol says, "The shockwave dissipated before it reached us." Reed tells them they'll need to detonate another one closer to the ship. T'Pol looks around at the groaning ship and says the pressure on the hull is too great as it is. "If you detonate one too close..." she says. "And if I don't?" Reed asks, "We need to generate a large enough shock wave to push us into a higher orbit. To do that, the blast has to be big and it has to be close." He tells Hoshi to load two torpedoes. Hoshi does it.
Shuttle pod. Quantum says, "Sensor resolution's falling off." "This was your plan?" Bu'Kah asks from a seat behind him. "To grope in the darkness and hope to stumble across my ship?" Quantum tells her it worked the first time around. Now, we have Quantum and the Klingon woman here, unescorted in a small shuttle pod, and Quantum has his back to her. What is preventing her from overpowering him, commandeering the shuttle pod, and contacting her Birds of Prey as she did before? The stupidity of this crew is boundless. Picard would have insisted on a security detail, and if he hadn't insisted, Riker most definitely would have. Hell, Worf himself would have gone along to protect his Captain. Maybe Trip's hoping to get rid of Quantum in an unfortunate accident. Bu'Kah asks what some explosion noise was, and Quantum tells her that it's weapons fire below them, about two kilometers.
Klingon ship. Reed asks, "Did it work?" Hoshi says they managed to move two hundred meters. Reed is exasperated by how not far they're getting. He should be thrilled, because this means he gets to explode more things. You might ask why I'm not worried if they'll make it back to the ship. An admirable question, which can be answered in one word: DeCon. We know there's going to be a DeCon skin scene, and we haven't seen it yet, so I see no reason to worry about the safety of the three that are supposed to be in it. How's that for killing the suspense of the moment? Hey, blame UPN, not me. Hoshi reports that certain parts of the ship are disintegrating, and tells Reed they have six more torpedoes. Reed tells her to load two more, but Hoshi argues that it won't be enough. T'Pol agrees with Hoshi: "We'll never reach a safe altitude climbing a few hundred meters at a time." Reed points out that the more they argue about it, the more time they lose. Hoshi suggest detonating all the torpedoes at once. "We may gain enough altitude, but I doubt we'll make it in one piece," T'Pol says. Hoshi says she's willing to risk it. Reed says he'll launch them all and detonate at eight hundred meters. "I was thinking of more like five hundred," Hoshi says. T'Pol and Reed goggle at her. "Look, I didn't come all this way to get crushed in the atmosphere of some anonymous gas giant," she tells them, in the grip of her newfound Vulcan Zen. It's not anonymous, it's Shatner. Hoshi loads the torpedoes, and Reed tells them to brace themselves. Reed hits a button, and more stuff sparks on the bridge.
Shuttle pod. Bu'Kah keeps bugging Quantum to tell her what the explosions are. Quantum warms her that there's a shockwave coming and orders her to hang on. The shuttle pod zips down through the rubble and sees the Klingon ship.
Klingon ship. T'Pol gets a com signal. It's Quantum, asking who they're shooting at. Reed explains their M.O., and Quantum says he's brought someone who should be able to help them get the ship out. Quantum docks the shuttle pod, and he and Bu'Kah board the ship. I don't know how they got out of wearing EV suits and EV underwear, but there you are. "I believe you've all met Officer Bu'Kah," Quantum says. Reed glares at her. Quantum asks how the engines are holding up, and T'Pol tells him, "The Klingon crew made most of the necessary repairs before they were overcome. But the port fusion injector is still damaged." Bu'Kah snips that she will "tend" to her own ship. Quantum tells her he didn't bring her here to die with the rest of the drunk Klingons. "My crew risked their lives to get this ship out of danger. I don't intend to leave until the job is finished," Quantum says.
Enterprise bridge. Maywhat reports that he is tracking two Klingon ships "approaching at high warp" and anticipates their arrival in sixteen minutes. Okay, you got that time? Good -- now forget it, because it's going to disappear down a nebula. They are hailed by Quantum, who says, "This is Klingon Raptor Somraw, hailing Enterprise. Request permission to disembark four passengers." "Well, I don't see why not," Trip says. I do.
Time passes -- how much, we don't know, but Quantum strides onto the bridge. Trip gets up from where he'd parked himself in the captain's chair, saying, "I kept your seat warm for ya." Ew. Quantum thanks him and tells Maywhy to "prepare to break orbit." Maywhy goes to obey but gets a hail from the Somraw. "Calling to say thanks?" Trip asks. Quantum says he doubts that, and tells Maywhen to accept the charges. The Klingon Captain tells Quantum to surrender his vessel. Apparently, he is a bit annoyed that the humans "violated" his ship and played around with their weapons and won't listen to the fact that Quantum and Co. saved him and his crew. Quantum tells him that they had to violate and play around or the ship would have been crunched by Shatner's reactions to baked beans and whisky. "Disruptors!" Capt. Klingon orders. "They're charging weapons," Trip says in frank disbelief. Okay, would now be a fair time to ask where those other two Klingon vessels are? Quantum tells the Klingons that they wouldn't last longer than a Vulcan heartbeat in a battle with them. "You've got multiple hull breaches, your shields are down, and from what I'm told, you're fresh out of torpedoes. If I were you I'd take what little honor I had left and go home. Fire one shot and I'll blast you right back to where we found you," Quantum taunts. Captain Klingon snarls and hangs up on them. Whatever. The Klingon captain would sooner die this way, attacked by a ship that violated them, than run away to live another day. Especially when he's being challenged by such a weasel-mouth. Maywhen announces that the Klingon ship is moving out, and Quantum tells him to take them out of there "before their friends show up." Sorry, but they should have shown up already; plus they would have contacted the Somraw to let them know they were on their way. Another reason why the Somraw wouldn't have tucked tail and run -- not if they knew massive reinforcements were coming. Quantum squats in his seat, sighs, and shakes his head at the large amounts of ridiculous writing he had to slog through in order to finish this episode.
The long-awaited DeCon scene. There's no amount of mutual rubbing gel over body parts, thank God. Instead, Reed, Hoshi, and T'Pol sit in their undies and revel in...something. I thought this was just a place where they put gel on each other, but they're treating it like a spa. T'Pol manages to show more skin than the rest of them, because TPTB made sure she was clad in the skimpiest of skimps, and that's considering the fact that Reed doesn't even have a shirt on. At some point, Phlox tells them none of them are contaminated and can come out of the chamber. Reed and Hoshi protest a bit, saying they might have picked up something undetectable, but to no avail. Finally, Reed and Hoshi mutely urge T'Pol to plead on their behalf. T'Pol pulls a face before suggesting that Phlox run his tests again: "I believe I'm developing a slight...headache." Well, I guess that couldn't be considered a lie. Phlox says, "Of course, if you insist. I wouldn't want to miss anything." T'Pol stalks her way back to her seat on the tiny bench, managing to flaunt her butt cheeks as she does it. Hoshi sighs, and Reed says he went to a spa in Mexico once: "Most relaxing place I've ever been, but it doesn't compare to this." Okay, I'm getting irritated now; I'd really like someone to explain what's so splendiferous about the DeCon chamber. They have showers in their quarters -- and we know this because of Quantum's gratuitous shower scene -- in which they can get clean with actual water, so I just don't get these paroxysms of ecstasy. "It is pleasant," T'Pol says carefully. Hoshi looks at T'Pol and says, "Do you smell that?" T'Pol sniffs and says, "I don't smell anything." "Exactly," Hoshi says. Sorry, babes, but I don't buy your sighs of relaxation; T'Pol and Hoshi are sitting as if they have ramrods up their spines. How comfortable is that posture? All in the name of displaying their dinners, I suppose. Oh, and hey, T'Pol? Yeah, go eat a hamburger or something, because I'm sending you my ophthalmologist's bill for poking my eyes out with your collar and hipbones.