In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close. Well, I guess it would be nice
If I could drink this Post Road,
I know not every household's
Got Post Road in bulk.
But I gotta sip twice
Before I watch this episode
Where I know everything's a load
because I
smelled it too.
Oh, but I
Need some time off from Scott Bak-u-la
Time to stop my head
banging the wall
And when this show comes on
Without smack-u-la
Well
it takes a strong chick, baby
But I'm starting up a squall
'Cause I've
gotta have faith.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Major props to Mr. Man for his Southern hospitality and SEC FYI. Also, big props to my long-suffering forumites, because we're all in this together. The pain. The suffering. The boredom. The hollow mockery of it all.
An Eastern-looking tranquil temple is nestled atop a misty mountain high. Inside, Vulcans in plush bathrobes mill about, pondering tranquil thoughts while lighting tranquility candles. The sound of silence is shattered when a posse of sky-blue aliens with bad Feria jobs and two-per-customer antennae force their way into the temple and look at them. Not tranquilly.
You Gotta Have Faith Of The Snark.
Quantum's quarters. "Well, maybe it's just me, but it seems like these Vulcan star charts take all the fun out of it," Trip comments to Captain Quantum. "We're s'posed to be explorers, aren't we?" "That's the general idea," Quantum tells him. "Where's the exploration in going places people've already been?" Trip whines. Oh, I don't know -- maybe because YOU'VE never been there, Hick Boy? Prague, Paris, Peru? No, I don't want to go there; people have already been there. Sheesh. Quantum echoes my sentiments, if perhaps a little less irately, and tells Trip, "Well, for one thing, we've never been to these places. For another, remember that proto-star we ran across last week?" Trip remembers. Quantum tells him it doesn't seem to be marked in the Vulcan star charts. "Are you saying those Vulcan star charts aren't all that accurate?" Trip asks, getting happy. "Well, if that's true, good luck getting them to admit it!" Trip and Quantum titter triumphantly. First of all, has anyone seen those pins around? You know, the pins that are being stuck under their nails, forcing them to use the star charts? I mean, seriously, they're always complaining about how the Vulcans hold back information, but now they're belittling that same information. Spoiled Rotten, party of two? Yeah, your private banquet room with hand-glazed finger bowls is ready.
T'Pol arrives at the Captain's cabin, and Quantum asks her about a planet a few light years up the road. "I'm familiar with it," T'Pol tells him. Quantum says their data indicates that there's an isolated outpost on the planet. "P'Jem," T'Pol says. Gesundheit. "I take it it's under Vulcan jurisdiction?" Quantum asks. T'Pol explains that P'Jem is an ancient Vulcan spiritual retreat where they go to purge their emotions, a practice otherwise known as Kolinahr. "Now, that sounds interesting," Quantum says. And messy. "How do you think they'd feel about a visit?" Quantum asks. Probably the same way the Pope would feel about an Ozzy Osbourne concert in the Vatican. T'Pol tries to communicate this sentiment to the two rampaging tourists by saying, "P'Jem is a place of peaceful contemplation, Captain. I don't think our presence would be welcome." "It's because Vulcans think we smell bad, innit?" Trip drawls. What exactly is Trip's obsession with the olfactory world? He complained about Klaang's B.O. when he rescued him from the Apple Core helix, and he also had snidery for spending three hours with Klingons in the Xyrillian decompression chamber. T'Pol raises her eyebrows ever so slightly at Trip. Speaking of which, there's something happening with her eyebrows in this scene. Either they need to have a bit of chit-chat with some wax and a strip of linen, or it's her bangs that are longer and curled under. I don't know, but something's not quite right. "It's not every day that we get to see an ancient Vulcan monastery," Quantum starts to say. Come to think of it, it's not every day Quantum gets to see T'Pol naked; maybe he should use that as an excuse for plain nosiness and downright arrogance. And don't try telling me they're two different things, because the sentiment of personal or collective privacy is exactly the same. Hey, is that beer cold yet? "I'd say a stop-over is too good to pass up. Unless you disagree." T'Pol tells him she'll research the proper protocols so they can be sure to ignore them and offend everyone within a twelve-light-year radius. Quantum coms the bridge to prepare for a course change and says that T'Pol will give them the coordinates. T'Pol gives Quantum A Look over her shoulder, which Quantum returns with a big, goofy grin. T'Pol exits. Once again having succeeded in bending the female Vulcan to their meet their ignorant demands, Trip and Quantum look smugly at one another. I will be pleased as Artillery Punch the day T'Pol takes over the ship and tells them, "Well, it's not every day you get to experience a Vulcan mutiny, is it?" after bouncing their benighted butts into the brig.
In the mess, Phlox dishes out his usual news brief on Enterprise edibles. T'Pol noshes on a heavy meal of celery sticks, cucumbers, red cabbage, kale, carrots, beans, and yellow squash with a knife and fork. This is where I should go into a tirade about T'Pol not liking human food, but I am just two swigs of Post Road short of not ever caring again. By the way, everything on that plate, except the celery, looks like it's made out of Play-Doh. Carry on, McDuff. Phlox comments that T'Pol must be looking forward to visiting her race's taboo temple with great glee. "It was the Captain's idea," T'Pol tells him, with a distinct absence of glee. Phlox insists that it's a part of her cultural history, and by default she must be interested. T'Pol is not. Phlox tries again, telling her that she'll be able to introduce her racemates to her crewmates. T'Pol runs and hides in a Jeffries tube for the rest of the episode. Sly as a Phlox suddenly understands her reticence and comments, "Oh, I believe I see the source of your misgivings -- being seen with your human crew." T'Pol tells him, "It could create a certain awkwardness." Much like your acting. Phlox reaches over and poaches a celery stick off her plate. Hey, I didn't know my dad was on this show! "May I?" Phlox asks, the celery piece nearly in his mouth. Of course, my dad usually said, "Are you going to eat that?" if any of us paused between bites to catch our breath. T'Pol gives the barest of head twitches, so Phlox crunches down and proceeds to tell her that he also feels out of place on the ship. "But what is that Vulcan motto?" Phlox asks between wet munches, "Infinite diversity --" "In infinite combinations," T'Pol finishes for him. "Hmm!" Phlox chortles, scooping up what looks like peanut-buttered contrivance on his celery stalk. "And what is diversity but a celebration of differences?" You know, replace the food with drinks and the Mess with Ten-Forward and you've got Guinan. Phlox chews the mic some more and says unslyly, "I wonder if you might remind me of our mission on this vessel. Please, indulge me." Like a child reciting a lesson, because that's exactly how Phlox is treating her, T'Pol says, "Our mission is to make contact with those who humans consider new life and new civilizations." Phlox points out the connection to the Vulcan diversity motto. "I suppose so," T'Pol says. "Well then, it seems to me a cultural exchange between your Vulcan brethren and your human crew is simply a furtherance of that mission," Phlox says. T'Pol just looks at him with corpulent lips.
"They don't even know we're coming?" Trip asks incredulously as the Disasters Come In Threes enter the shuttle pod docking bay. T'Pol explains that no technology is used on P'Jem, so unless they were hip to using a carrier pigeon garbed in a petite oxygen tank, there's no way of alerting P'Jem to their visit. "I don't like dropping in on people unannounced," Quantum complains. You should have thought of that before you insisted on profaning a temple with your fetid human presence. T'Pol tells him that as long as he and Trip behave, it won't be a problem. "When we arrive we'll be greeted by a Vulcan elder," T'Pol tells them, brushing something off Quantum's shoulder. "You should not speak to him or any member of the Order unless spoken to first. If they appear to be meditating, do not approach them or attempt to make conversation. Also, maintain quiet at all times and do not touch or disturb any artifacts, relics, or ornamentation." Trip and Quantum exchange rueful looks, but T'Pol, seemingly full of yeast this morning, continues anyway, "If we arrive at their time of communal Kolinahr, it's likely we'll be turned away." Captain Quantum fidgets impatiently. "At the conclusion of our visit, we'll be offered the Stone of J'Kah [J'KAAAAAAAHHHHH!] as a gesture of salutation. Accept it. Then bow slightly and observe a respectful silence of approximately five seconds." Hey, Trip? Yeah, if you have difficulty with the whole "respectful" thing, just think of the Stone of J'Kah as if it were one of Bear Bryant's checkered hats. Quantum comments snidely to Trip, "I thought Starfleet training was tough." If you find following a few rules when visiting a holy place "tough," buddy, I fear for you when you do the Klingon ship-to-ship exchange program.
Reedy-Tweedy pipes play as the threesome approaches the front door to the temple. "You say this is a place to purge emotions? Looks like someone had to purge pretty bad. He bashed the door in," Trip comments sexistly. The sooner he's acquainted with how freakishly strong Vulcan women can be, the better for my rage. T'Pol tells him that given the age of the temple, they can't expect it to be in perfect condition. No, but given the logic and intelligence of Vulcans, I would expect her to notice how fresh and unweathered those bash marks are, not to mention the telltale wood splinters on the ground. T'Pol yanks on a thick cord, which results in the obligatory gong. I think it would be really funny if, for once, when you pulled a cord like that, you heard a raspberry. Only in Mel Brooks's world. Sigh. Quantum straightens his shoulders and composes his face in an expression of thoughtful reverence. Either that, or he smells something emanating from Trip. They wait a bit, but since no one immediately runs to fling the doors open wide, Quantum decides to just swagger in.
The three regard the anteroom, filled with untouchable Vulcan treasures, including a bathrobed Vulcan standing in front of a screen. They wait. Trip thinks about asking to use the bathroom. Finally, T'Pol sucks in her cheeks and struts up to the Vulcan on parade. The two speak in undertones, which we can just barely make out to be T'Pol telling him how honored they are to visit this great place of contemplation, and the Vulcan telling her he regrets that he cannot invite them to stay because of Kolinahr. Isn't it remarkable how easily we all picked up the Vulcan language? Trip and Quantum do some more gaping at their surroundings. There's a big face carved into the wall, on which the camera pauses a shade too long for me not to think it's going to be significant later on. T'Pol reports back that the monks have entered the final stage of Kolinahr and must not be disturbed. "Oh, that's too bad," is Quantum's comment, "Well, at least we got to see the place." "The place"? Would you say that about visiting the Hanging Gardens of Babylon or the Colossus of Rhodes? "So, this is the place, huh? Why dontcha snap a picture, Eunice, these pyramids aren't going to be around forever." Hoark, spit, burp. T'Pol turns back to the Vulcan elder, pays him a few respects, and asks to see the J'Kah Stone, "for my distinguished guests." The Vulcan tells them to wait half a tick and he'll be back. T'Pol looks around the atrium, noting broken pottery on the floor, and a lighted relic tipped awkwardly against the wall. Quantum asks her if there's something wrong. "This is the main atrium, there should be more than one member of the Order present. And the icon in that shrine is perched at an odd angle," T'Pol tells him. "Oddly perched, huh?" Trip says, giving Quantum a nudge-nudge-wink-wink look. "We'd better call Starfleet Command." Shut your trap, Trip. As if Starfleet would even have the tiniest grain of a clue what to do. And since Vulcans aren't really given to alarmist notions -- unlike you and your wimpishness on the Xyrillian ship -- I'd think you might want to listen to T'Pol instead of taunting her. Oh, and another thing: shut up, more. Logically, T'Pol ignores him and says, "That's not all, Captain. The Vulcan Elder seems...agitated." "You call that agitated?" Trip asks mock-inquisitively. I'm really begging you to stick a sock in it, Trip, or I'll agitate you.
The Agitated Elder reappears with a box, which Quantum ignores. "You know," Quantum says, walking around the atrium and getting all loud and larry, "I think the oldest monastery I ever visited was in Ngari, Tibet, but it wasn't nearly as big as this place." Well, you know the Tibetans and their lack of wealth. T'Pol plays along as Quantum non-surreptitiously looks in cracks and crannies for the usual suspects and says, "I've heard it can take days to explore this site." Trip fidgets with the broken pottery on the ground, saying, "It would take at least that long to clean the place up." Because of one broken mug? The Vulcan Elder turns to Trip in agitation: "Forgive the disarray -- Kolinahr encourages members of our Order to face their vestigial emotions. The repercussions can sometimes be violent." Now that you mention it, I was wondering why, if this is the supposed place of emotional purging, we haven't heard any Vulcans caterwauling, pounding their chests, weeping in corners, or jumping out of windows while laughing like hyenas. "Please!" Elder Vulcan says, trying to recapture Quantum's ADD by flipping open the lid of the box to show a triangular (natch) stone. "This is the Stone of J'Kah, which represents the foundations of all we believe, a life of order and control through logic." Elder Vulcan raises the box to Quantum, who places his hand on the stone. Elder Vulcan mutters in Vulcan. Trip self-consciously lowers his head as though he's praying. Vulcan Elder and Quantum bow to each other. "What does all that mean, anyway?" Quantum asks, getting all uncouth and touristy again. Elder Vulcan tells him it's some traditional litany passed down from generations. Of course it is. "Does it mean I get good luck or something?" Quantum asks, edging toward an artifact placed in front of a boudoir screen. Trip corrects him, "Oh, you're thinking of the Blarney Stone, Cap'n, or when you pat the Buddha's belly." Quantum sees a blue face reflected in the sheen of a bowl. Good thing they thought to use a high-gloss glaze on that thing. "I guess you're right," Quantum says, poking at his chest to indicate where Trip should look. Trip sees movement behind the boudoir screen. "Too bad we didn't bring a camera, huh Commander?" Trip nods in understanding. "Please, you must leave now," Elder Vulcan says as Trip moves to Quantum in front of the screen. "You ever been to the San Francisco Zoo?" he asks Elder Vulcan. "Now there's something you should see." Quantum and Trip meet eyes and bust through the screen. You break it, you bought it. The two of them grab the Andorian and throw him to the ground, his phaser pistol spinning out of his reach. T'Pol runs to grab the pistol, only to have it stepped on by combat boots. She looks up at the sound of weapons charging and sees a sea of blue. "Friends of yers?" Quantum asks, seemingly to no one in particular, as the first Andorian struggles to his feet and pulls out another weapon, "Somehow I didn't think so," he finishes as one Andorian points a gun at the Elder Vulcan.
Does anyone else harbor hopes that the Domestic Disturbance kid screaming "Dad" in his annoying adolescently-cracking voice snuffs it?
Things start to look a trifle sticky for the Enterprisers as they and the Elder Vulcan get shoved into a room with the rest of the Vulcan monks. "Stop looking at me," an Andorian crabs to Trip. "Okay, okay, don't get your antennae in a twist," Trip says. Eh. It was funny the first fifty times I saw it in the promos. Inside the new Vulcan holding pen, The Spinning Camera Shots of Rising Action start to make me nauseous. Then again, it could be Trip's acting. Another swallow of this alcoholic beverage brewed with seven herbs and spices oughta settle my stomach. Now, I'm going to make something very clear here. Despite the fact that Jeffrey Combs starred with much pomp and circumstance in this episode, I could not differentiate one Andorian from another, and since closed-captioning couldn't be arsed to give any of the Andorians names until the last five minutes of the episode -- a feature I came across only when recapping those last five minutes, approximately thirteen hours after I'd started recapping -- I am not going to bother either. One Andorian was clearly in charge, and I will refer to him as Periwinkle, but the rest can go hang themselves by their antennae as far as I'm concerned. Okay? Great. On the upside, I'll bet it's real easy for them to get fake IDs. Periwinkle asks the Elder Vulcan why he didn't tell them there was a Vulcan aboard Enterprise. "It's an Earth vessel -- I didn't know," Elder Vulcan tells him. Blue Streak asks what Earth is. Quantum tells them Earth is where they're from: "It's our home world." Blue Moon asks why they came to P'Jem, and when Quantum pauses, Blue in the Face screams, "Answer me, pigskin!" I start to ponder what intricate relevance football could have to Star Trek until I realize that he said "pink-skin." D'oh! Quantum gives the implausible explanation that they were just passing by and thought they'd drop in for a visit. The Bluebloods don't believe him, and ask if they are a supply ship bringing the Vulcans more surveillance equipment. Quantum tells them he's not bringing the Vulcans anything, and the Blue Cheeses point out that he brought T'Pol. "She's my Science Officer," Quantum explains. "So you admit you're working with the Vulcans?" Periwinkle asks. Quantum says that he'll admit he has a Vulcan Science Officer, and that he came only out of curiosity. And to buy some flannel P'Jemas, of course. Quantum bombastically asks the Blue Chips what in tarnation they're doing there. Big mistake with the bombastic idea. The Blue Jay closest to Quantum sniggers, then belts him some gratuitous violence in the stomach. Trip says, "He's telling the truth, we came here for a visit." Gratuitously Violent Blue Crab comments that their ship carries a heckuva lot of armory for simply being an accidental tourist. Periwinkle does the Dance of the Seven Paranoids and tells them that they have long suspected the Vulcans have been using P'Jem as a place to spy on their home world. One of the Blue Notes oozes up to T'Pol and says, "I'll enjoy having you. [pause for maximum icky effect] As a prisoner." Quantum tries to look outraged, but has some difficulty, since he's still gasping from being sucker-punched. The Blueprints leave. "Now these guys are agitated," Trip the Court Jester comments.
Quantum goes into a fresh bout of obvious groaning. Trip hustles to his side and helps him to the ground. Quantum looks at T'Pol, who says, "They're Andorians, Captain. They're known for their suspicious and volatile nature." A youngish Vulcan elucidates further, telling them that the Blue Jeans are from a neighboring system and have resented the Vulcans' superior motor skills and cable modems for years. "They even believe that we intend to mount an invasion on their home world," T'Pol explains. Elder Vulcan tells Quantum and Trip that the two species drew up a treaty to soothe the Delft Blues' ruffled feathers, but some of the Aqua factions were still suspicious and believed the Vulcans were going to conquer them. Trip wonders aloud why the Turquoises want such a Methuselahian temple. "They believe we are hiding a long-range sensor array," Elder Vulcan tells him. Quantum looks up at him suspiciously. "This is a place of introspection, Captain. There are no spies here and no technology." Elder Vulcan tells him. Everyone who believes that line can leave the room right now. "So what are you gonna do -- just sit here and let them ransack the place?" Trip asks. A younger Vulcan tells him, "Typically, they make a great display of their indignance. When they find nothing, they leave." Elder Vulcan chimes in, telling them that the Blue Plates have paid them surprise visits twice and both times left within twenty-four hours, but "unfortunately, your arrival has amplified their suspicions." So the Vulcan High Command just allows these constant invasions of a holy site by the Blue Collars to go on and on? That doesn't make much sense. "You've endangered us all," Vulcan the Younger tells them (ear)pointedly. Trip rolls his eyes and makes a comment about no good deed going unpunished or something.
Aboard the Enterprise, Reed comments, "The shuttle sensors should have picked it up." "They went to visit some monks, why would they scan for alien ships?" Hoshi asks. Reed tells her it should be standard procedure to do so. "In any event," he continues, "there it is," pointing at something on their table viewer as Mayweather comes over and asks, "There what is?" Reed tells him they found a non-Vulcan ship uncomfortably close to their shuttle pod. "Not a lot of room on that landing platform. Maybe they're just other visitors," Mayweather says unhelpfully. Reed says he'd like to know exactly who these "visitors" are. "And why haven't we heard from the landing party?" he fusses. Hoshi tells him they can't possibly check in "every five minutes." "Maybe that should be standard procedure as well!" Reed says. Hee. I like Reed in command. Can you imagine all the "standard procedures" he'd have if he was captain? "You sure you're not overreacting?" Hoshi asks him, conveniently forgetting her bit of overreaction when she saw the dead aliens hanging upside down. "They're probably just taking a tour," she continues, "or observing some sort of meditation ritual." Or getting a facial and a bikini wax.
Down on Phi Beta P'Jemma, Quantum gets elbowed, personally fouled, and generally slam-dunked by the Blue Devils. He can't answer any of their questions regarding the mysterious sensor array, so they call a technical and hit him harder. Noting aloud that humans appear to have emotions, a Pabst Blue Ribbon says he finds it odd that Quantum would appoint a Vulcan his Science Officer. "Believe me, she wasn't my first choice," Quantum spits out, along with some teeth. Whatever, buddy. You had the opportunity to get rid of her in the first episode, but you specifically asked her to stay -- stick to one personality or the other. The Code Blues smite Quantum a few more times, because they're suspicious of Enterprise's connection to the Vulcan High Command. Amidst this engrossing, yet gory, discourse, Quantum again notices the big face carved in the wall. This time it opens its mouth and says, "I am significant. Something important will happen with me during the climax of the plot." There's the recognizable beeping of communicators as Reed attempts to contact the landing party to find out what's going on. Periwinkle grabs the communicator and informs Reed that they are holding his crewmates hostage, and any attempt at rescue or approaching the surface will get them killed. Then Periwinkle uses his fist to pulverize all the communicators. Without breaking a nail. Aboard Enterprise, Reed tells Mayweather to "have the launch bay put shuttle pod two on standby." Mayweather starts to protest, citing the True Blues' threat. "I don't take orders from a com voice, Ensign. Not unless that voice belongs to the Captain," Reed says, almost doing the Picard maneuver with his uniform as he sits in the Captain's chair. "Take a look at the Vulcan database; see if it has anything on these Andorians." See, now that's a commanding voice. If Riker had tried that line, they would have had to beam away all the residual cheese, but Reed can carry it. Shoot, how awesome would it be if Quantum, T'Pol, and Trip all went a little Kurtz-ish and Reed had to take over as Captain for the rest of the series?
Down on the planet's surface, two Cornflowers report that they've searched all the rooms in the eastern tower. Periwinkle asks if they've checked the living quarters -- they haven't, so they scuttle off. "Perhaps if we decapitate one or two of those monks he'll start telling us the truth," Periwinkle says to the other Blue Ridges in the room. Quantum insists that he's telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Back in their holding pen, Elder Vulcan asks T'Pol how long she's been on Enterprise. "Nine weeks and four days," T'Pol tells him. "The smell must be intolerable," Elder Vulcan says. "You get used to it," T'Pol tells him, "and I was given a nasal numbing agent." This episode brought to you by Nasanot. Humans may smell, but you don't have to.
Quantum gets thrown into the room, and Trip rushes to his side. "Whose idea was it to visit this place?" Quantum groans as Trip soaks a cloth in water to dab at his Captain's fisticuffed face. Quantum tells the Vulcans that the K-mart Blue Light Specials are going to start killing them if they don't get what they want. Elder Vulcan says there's nothing there for the Navy Blues to get. Quantum informs him the Blue Spruces aren't buying it, "not this time." Turning to Trip, Quantum says, "Looks like there are four of them. I saw some kind of scanning console. They talk a lot about searching rooms." "You'd think they could find whatever they're looking for with those antennae of theirs," Trip comments. Not unless they're looking for inchworms. Anyone remember that song Big Bird sang to Slimy the Worm on Sesame Street? Mathra starts to warble, "Inchworm, inchworm. Measuring the marigolds, you and your arithmetic will probably go far..." No? Well, the antennae remind me of that. Quantum tells everyone that the Evil Blue Man Group answered a com from Enterprise and told Reed he'd kill them if any rescue was attempted. T'Pol comments, "Mr. Reed wouldn't be that reckless." "I didn't recruit my tactical officer to sit on his butt when he's threatened," Quantum says, struggling to his feet so he can't be accused of sitting on his butt. "The Andorians smashed our communicators. The longer we're out of contact the more likely Malcolm will put together a landing party. Warning or no warning." Trip says, "Knowing him, a heavily-armed landing party." Quantum says it's just a matter of time. Yes, but Billy Joel would say it's all just a matter of trust. And some might have learned to adjust. But you'll walk away a fool or a king. "So if anyone has any suggestions," Quantum says, still breathing hard -- what's with him, asthma? "I'm all ears." He looks around. "No offense," he says. Wait, wait, don't tell me! The Vulcan's have pointier ears than humans, so that's why the comment about being all ears is supposed to be funny? Ahh. I see. Because making fun of another species is hi-friggin'-larious. Sheesh, get some sensitivity; I think it comes in gel caps now. Elder Vulcan tells Quantum they have "an option." Apparently the monks have a very old transmitter. "You said you had no technology," Quantum says, all suspicious. Elder Vulcan tells them, "It hasn't been used for many years -- it may not even be working." Trip says, "I never met a busted radio I couldn't fix." "Where is this transmitter?" Quantum wheezes. Elder and Younger Vulcan exchange a look, and Vulcan the Younger says, "In the catacombs." "Catacombs?" Trip repeats. Elder Vulcan tells them they have secret catacombs where they keep their most sacred relics, their honored dead, the usual stuff you don't want to deal with until you have to move temples. Elder Vulcan goes over to a statuette and says, "If the Andorians discover them, they will damage our culture in ways you cannot begin to understand." Elder Vulcan turns the statuette and pushes back the wall. "For people without emotions, you sure have a flair for the dramatic," Trip says, taking a torch from Vulcan the Younger. I just had an ingenious thought that would be Trip shutting up now. Trip and Vulcan the Younger enter the secret passage.
The catacombs are suspiciously cave-like. My, they're getting a lot of mileage out of that set. Trip obediently follows Vulcan the Younger, stopping at one point to look at three curious looking holes in the distance. They kind of look like two eyes and a mouth...seems sort of familiar...hmmm. Trip gets distracted by various other relics and cobwebs before running smack into an upright mummified Vulcan. He's a bit startled. It's just a bit too Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom for me. Not that it's scary. More that it sucks. "Master Haadock," Vulcan the Younger tells Trip, "one of the founders of P'Jem. The transmitter's this way." Trip follows, mumbling a jaunty "fellas" to the mummies. I wish one of them would lunge at him Boris-Karloff-style. Finally, in the deepest of dark and dusty corners, they find the transmitter. And it's a Mac Classic. Before turning his attention to the duty at hand, Trip decides to look at another curious structure -- two golden pieces of wood forming a pointed arch on the wall. "What's down there?" he asks. "The reliquary," Vulcan the Younger answers, "our most sacred artifacts are kept there [and the Vulcan McDonald's]. This is the transmitter." Trip hands Vulcan the Younger his torch and examines the dusty piece of equipment. He puts his foot up against it -- it helps him think better -- and rips the back off. "Looks like a krellide power cell," Trip says, blowing dust off of the motherboard.
Upstairs, it's Peacocks on Parade as they go to check on their hostages. It's suddenly night, and they sweep their flashlights around the room, counting Vulcans and Pink-skins. But where are Trip and Vulcan the Younger? Whew, there they are, playing possum by the hidden entrance to the catacombs. Sneaky devils. The Powder Blues leave. Trip scrabbles to his feet and starts playing with the krellide power cell. Vulcan the Elder offers him a blanket, saying, "There is one to spare." "Naw thanks, it'll just get in my way," Trip says, clicking and clacking away. Vulcan the Elder hands the blanket to Quantum, who in turn pushes it at T'Pol. She declines, telling him she'll be able to handle the cold better than he. Quantum drapes it over himself and asks T'Pol if the Talkin' Hava Negilah Blues have a transporter. T'Pol answers in the negative. "That gives us the element of surprise," Quantum says, fluffing up the floor and getting comfortable. "We could bring an assault team into the atrium." T'Pol points out that the sound of the transporter would alert the guards to start firing before the assault team is completely resequenced. Not to mention the telltale sparkly stuff that goes along with it. "What about this room?" Quantum asks. "By the time the Andorians detect the transport, we'd be armed and ready." "For what?" T'Pol asks pointedly. "A fire-fight in close quarters with a dozen monks at risk?" As usual when he's wrong, Quantum gets irritated and asks if she has any better ideas. T'Pol edges away, hugging herself for warmth. Quantum lifts the blanket. "There's room in here," he tells her. "I'm fine," T'Pol says. "You're freezing," Quantum tells her. "It's been twenty-four hours since I took my nasal numbing agent. The cold is preferable to the odor," T'Pol tells him. Wouldn't it be logical for her to share a blanket with a Vulcan monk? We all know there's no more chance of two Vulcans becoming amorous in this situation than there is of a Vulcan and a human. Less, even.
But Quantum insists, so T'Pol chastely wedges herself to him. Quantum lies back, his arm above outstretched as a -- pillow? For T'Pol? T'Pol remains sitting upright and comments that an armed assault would put all their lives at extreme risk, "not to mention the destruction of the sanctuary itself." Quantum opines, "I'd say our lives are already at risk." T'Pol tells him that the tensions between the Vulcans and the Indigo Girls are already so elevated that any casualties would put them over the edge. "It seems like you're letting them walk all over you," Quantum comments. "They come in here, they smash your relics, they beat up your people, then you just sit back and wait for them to walk away?" T'Pol tells him Vulcans don't believe in fighting violence with violence. Quantum says he admires her ethics and all that, but there comes a time when violence is necessary. "You're beginning to sound like an Andorian," T'Pol tells him. Quantum gets all uppity, saying he came to P'Jem to "gain insight" into the Vulcan mind, "but you people think you're so damned enlightened --" Quantum stops and notes the other Vulcans looking at them. "Problem?" he asks. They go back to their namastes. Quantum sighs and tells T'Pol he wants to find a peaceful solution as well, but doesn't think there is one. "However we end up dealing with this, I gotta know I can count on you," Quantum tells her, looking deep into her eyes. "Are you questioning my loyalty?" T'Pol asks. Quantum says he's just asking where she stands. It's not that farfetched a question. I mean, when it comes down to it, whom should you be loyal to: your race, or the smelly human crew you've served for nine weeks and four days who constantly find ways to insult you and disparage who you are? "I have never disobeyed your orders," T'Pol says resentfully, and turns away, stealing all the covers. "Hey," Mathra pipes up indignantly, "I thought you could only do that when you're married!"
Aboard Enterprise, Reed paces, and Mayweather trots out the old chestnut that Reed's wearing a hole in the deck plating. There's a beep. "What is it?" Reed asks, agitatedly. "A transmission from the surface," Hoshi tells them. "It's a modulated EM signal -- very weak." "Put it through," Reed orders. Trip's voices crackles through that it's him. "This is Enterprise," Reed tells him. "We can barely read you, Commander. What's your status?" On the planet, Trip is in the catacombs, talking through the Mac Classic. "Guess you heard, we kinda walked into a hostage situation. The whole place has been taken over by Andorians," Trip tells him. Reed tells him they've been reading about Andorians in the Vulcan database: "Militaristic, blue-skinned." "That's them," Trip tells him, looking over at Vulcan the Younger. Reed asks what they want. Trip tells him the Devils in Blue Dresses have gotten the idea that P'Jem is the NSA of Vulcan. "They're looking for a sensor array. The Cap'n says to sit tight. He doesn't want to provoke them any more than we already have. And he also said to tell you we're working on a way out of here." There's an uncomfortable close-up of Reed's face, revealing that the make-up department put a lipstick on him that's far too pink for his complexion, as his tone really calls for neutrals. Reed asks if there's any way to negotiate. "The Cap'n came back from his last 'negotiation' with a face full of bruises," Trip tells him. "Understood," Reed says, pursing his very pink lips.
Daylight comes to Vulcan Mountain. Quantum et al. attempt to strategize with Vulcan poker chips on a chic sisal rug. We learn that no one has entered the most sacred reliquary in decades, and 'twould be blasphemous to do so now. Trip tells Quantum about the three lights he saw above the small grotto in the catacombs, and uses the poker chips to show what it looked like: two eyes and a mouth. On their Vulcan poker chip map, T'Pol studies where Trip indicates its location to be, and says it would be directly below the atrium. Quantum stares at the poker chips and contemplates. The image of the poker chips cleverly fades to the big face carved into the rock wall of the atrium, where the Cambridge Blues are getting restless and starting to in-fight. Periwinkle has just managed to silence the complaints when they hear Quantum calling out to them from lockdown.
Quantum tucks something in his sleeve as the door opens and the Blue and the Grey intrude. "I need to speak with you alone," Quantum tells them quietly. "I have some information for you." In the atrium, Quantum starts babbling about Surak and other nonsense in order to distract them. They get annoyed and start fisticuffing his face again. Quantum, always the tough guy, takes it and manages to move himself over to the Big Rock Face, where he non-slyly throws whatever was in his sleeve into one of the eyes. Once the Hill Street Blues realize the Captain really has nothing of any import to say, ever, they get really irritated. "He's just wasting our time, take him back!" the second in command tells the other two. Quantum's dragged back, complaining that he can't stand another minute with the Vulcans. A Blue Lagoon looks suspiciously around the atrium. In the catacombs, Trip finds a very large stone that rolls after him, threatening to crush him -- wait, wrong plot. Trip finds the little Vulcan chess piece that Quantum tossed into the Big Rock Face.
Back in the room, Quantum's spitting out teeth and blood. Trip comes through the secret passage and tosses the Vulcan chess piece to him. You know, I always wanted to live in a house with secret passages. "Finally, a light at the end of the tunnel," Quantum says, looking at the Vulcan rook. Finally, an episode not riddled with clichés. Ugh, where did I put that sarcasm code? Here it is, under my case of Post Road. "You know what to do, Commander," Quantum tells Trip, who nods and disappears back into the secret passage. The Vulcan Elder starts lecturing Quantum on how against this action they all are. Um, then why did they bother to help them get this far with it in the first place? Quantum tells them to stay out of the way and all will be well.
Aboard Enterprise, Reed leads an assault party consisting of himself and two Redshirts (can we even call them Redshirts anymore, since they all wear blue jumpsuits now?) to the transporter room. He instructs them to set their phase pistols to "stun." "Stun, sir?" one asks. "The Captain's instructions were quite explicit," Reed tells them. Hoshi approaches the transporter controls timidly. "It's a console, Ensign, it won't bite," Reed tells her wryly from the transporter pad. "No, it'll just scramble your molecules," Hoshi mutters, stepping up to it. One of the Redshirts hangs back. "Crewman?" Reed asks peremptorily. "We've, uh, heard stories, sir," Crewman About To Die says, "It might not be safe." Reed tells him he's heard the same stories: "Now get up here." Not much for boosting confidence, is he? How quickly we forget that he was the one complaining about using the transport for humans in the very first episode. Reed asks if the coordinates are set. Hoshi affirms that they are. "Then energize, before we change our minds," Reed says. Hoshi slides the three levers up, and the assault party sparkles off.
One of the lesser Blue Danubes notes an energy fluctuation, and Periwinkle tears off for the holding cell. The assault team hustles into the secret passage, and the panel slides shut just as the Bluebirds run in, pistols ready. They look around the room and see everyone acting casual. "We detected an energy surge," Periwinkle says, "and it came from this chamber." T'Pol suggests that they have wonky equipment. Periwinkle turns to her and says, "Or perhaps you have equipment we don't know about." That's it! The sensor array is under T'Pol's shirt. The Blue Hawaii looks around one more time, and Quantum does his best to look pathetic. "Watch them!" Periwinkle orders his second-in-command, who stays in the room with the prisoners.
In the catacombs, the assault team finds the grotto behind the Big Rock Face and starts making preparations. They're using flashlights -- uh, don't you think the Blue Streaks might see beams of light flashing from the Big Rock Face's eyes and mouth? In fact, the Big Rock Face's orifices are so obviously hollow; why haven't the Blue Suede Shoes at least explored what might be behind the face, therefore leading them to the catacombs? I think the Blue Parrots are none too bright. They have good reason to be jealous of the Vulcan intelligence.
In the holding cell, the Bluegrass paces around T'Pol and says, "Most Vulcans smell of dust, but you're different." "Somethin' sure smells," Trip mutters. Yeah, and I think it's coming from the direction of this episode. "Did you say something, pink-skin?" the Blue Velvet shouts. Trip feigns innocence.
Catacombs. Reed and friends plant things on the wall behind the Big Rock Face and hear the NYPD Blues announce that they are picking up three new human bio-signs within twenty meters of them. The Blue Grottos panic around, trying to techno-locate the new bio-signs.
Vulcan holding cell. Rhapsody In Blue continues to chat up T'Pol, smarming, "I've heard about your mating rituals. That Vulcan women force their men to fight each other to the death. Would you like me to kill someone for you?" In the background, Quantum swaggers to his feet and says, "Leave her alone." Out Of The Blue looks at him briefly and then turns back to meditating on T'Pol's obese lips and whispers, "Would you like me to kill him?"
Catacombs. Reed and Assault Team Members One and Two do some more configuring and arraying and general polarizing. "Find them!" Periwinkle commands in the Atrium. "They're very close!" the other one says. Close never won a race. Aren't they at all curious about that Big Rock Face and its orifices? Can I hammer that point any closer to home? There are some beeps and green flashing in Reed's hand and suddenly the Big Rock Face explodes, knocking the three Blue Screens to the ground.
In the Vulcan holding cell, the Aquamarine guard is distracted by the sound of the blast, so Trip leaps on him and tries to wrestle his gun away. There's a fight, and Quantum joins in.
In the atrium, there's a bunch of phaser fire and a Teal is hit. Then ATM1 is hit. Reed drags his mate away from the line of fire and asks if he will be okay. "Go ahead," the wounded ATM1 says, "I'll cover here." Meanwhile, the two unscathed Electric Blues enter the catacombs as Reed and ATM2 fire at them.
Vulcan holding cell. Quantum continues to wrassle with the still-armed Blueberry guard. I guess Trip must've gotten knocked out for a bit, because he makes the pretense of groggily coming to while Quantum fights the good fight. Finally, the Blue Corn Tortilla Chip breaks away and gets to his feet. He takes aim at Quantum, but Reed, who has leaped into the room, phase-stuns him in the back. Sigh -- my hero. Reed reports that two of the Steel Blues got away into the catacombs. Vulcan Elder prisses up and says, "I hope you're pleased, Captain -- you've turned a place of solitude into a war zone." Quantum ignores him and takes phase pistols out of ATM1's assault valise. Trip's still nursing his one bruise, so Quantum leaves him in charge of the Cobalt Blue guard and tells him to stun him if he wakes up. T'Pol pulls out various catacombing equipment as Quantum says, "Let's go." Hey, isn't that his catchphrase on the bridge? Vulcan the Younger stands up, gun in hand, and says, "I'm going too." Elder Vulcan tries to talk him out of it, saying, "Violence is no longer our way." Vulcan the Younger tells him, "We must protect what is ours," and follows the humans and T'Pol. Love the snappy dialogue. In fact, if I close my eyes, I could almost imagine myself on the set of The West Wing. But if I close my eyes, I might never open them again, since this episode is a better cure for insomnia than hot milk spiked with a handful of benzodiazepines. T'Pol guides them through the catacombs, searching for the remaining Bluebooks. She gets an indication that they are down in the reliquary. Vulcan the Younger tries to stop them: "Only Members of the High Order are allowed inside." Quantum says, "We'll do our best not to look at anything." But Vulcan the Younger stands firm; he will go alone and disarm the Blue's Clues. "You ever use one of those?" Quantum asks him, indicating the weapon. Vulcan the Younger looks uncertain. "I didn't think so," Quantum says. "The Andorians have seen your secret relics, I don't think a couple of humans are going to make much difference." He barrels down the passage; Vulcan the Younger looks mighty uneasy.
In the reliquary, there's relics and candles and dust. The Deep Blue Seas hide; the humans and Vulcans find them. There's some fighting, and stuff gets destroyed. One of the phaser fires dislodges a heavy tapestry behind Quantum. Reed gestures at the Captain to turn around. We can see the circular face of what looks like a very large vault, and Quantum goes to investigate while T'Pol covers him. Quantum opens the big circle and looks in awe. "Hold your fire!" he shouts, "you might want to take a look at this." Reed and the Ultramarine Blues come out of their respective hiding places and look into the light. Quantum steps out onto a ledge and looks into the Galactic Senate scene from Phantom Menace.
"I don't believe this," Quantum mutters as they look at all the technology. So, I'm guessing this is a sensor array? Even T'Pol looks concerned. "Does that thing have imaging sensors?" Quantum shouts at her, indicating her scanning device. Dude, settle down; it's not her fault. T'Pol collects herself and pulls out her tricorder and looks at it, saying blankly, "Yes." Quantum tells her to "take all the pictures [she] can." So they can always remember their trip to P'Jem. A gun is placed against Quantum's neck as Vulcan the Younger asks them to put their weapons down. "I will kill him if necessary," Vulcan the Younger says shakily. You know, why should the Kingfisher Blues care if Quantum gets killed? They're still armed; they can try to kill Vulcan the Younger and not care what happens to Quantum. Vulcan the Younger tells T'Pol to hand over the tricorder, but in one swift move, Quantum whips around and socks Vulcan the Younger in the mouth, knocking him out. "Violence in a sanctuary, Captain?" Reed asks, smiling. "Very disrespectful," Quantum says, "but boy did it feel good." Yeah, 'cause you're a manly man who gets his jollies from beating people up just because they're smarter than you. It's sad to see that bullies get elevated in the future. "All this time, they've been calling these monks liars and all this time they've been right," Quantum says, lecturing T'Pol. Reed comments that all this equipment means they could see the lint in a Deep Blue Something's navel. If that's what they wanted to do. "I've completed my scans," T'Pol says, huskily. Quantum tells her to give them to the Talkin' Bear Mountain Picnic Massacre Blues. T'Pol starts to reason with him, but he'll have none of it, because he's so omniscient about a centuries-old fight between these two races that he can just make snap judgments about who's right and who's wrong, while at the same time spraying himself liberally with Eau de Holier Than Thou. T'Pol hands the scans over. "You got what you came for, now get outta here," Quantum tells him. "How do we know you won't attack our vessel?" Periwinkle asks. Quantum tells him angrily that the Vulcans violated their treaty, and his people should know about it. "Do you have a problem with that?" Quantum says, turning irritably to T'Pol. T'Pol doesn't answer him, but asks for Reed's communicator and orders Enterprise to allow the Sapphire ship to leave P'Jem unmolested. "We're in your debt," Periwinkle tells Quantum, and leaves. Quantum looks down at Vulcan the Younger and says snidely, "Thanks for the tour." Shut up, Quantum. Reed gives T'Pol a backward look before leaving. T'Pol just stands there.
Since my UPN affiliate chooses to suck the Lollypop of Ineptitude, I didn't see previews for week other than a nanosecond of Quantum looking concerned, angry, and befuddled. But I think they use that shot in every preview, so it didn't really tell me much. Anyway, if you're dying to find out what will be going on week, check the forums. They've got it pretty well covered.