Enterprise S01E02

Before Star Trek V: The Final Frontier even starts -- during the FBI warning, in fact -- Mathra hits pause, turns to me and says, "This is pretty bad, Keckler." That was the understatement to end all understatements.

Dust on a barren planet. "Nimbus III in the Neutral Zone" types across the bottom of the screen, and I'm already distracted because I'm thinking about Harry Potter's broomstick. Heartbeat. Behold, a rider approaches slowly from the distance, and a man with no teeth stops pounding in the dust and picks up a weapon, squinting into through the swirling dust. Heartbeat. Rider approaches in slo-mo from the distance. Maybe he's one of the horsemen of the Apocalypse. Say, Pestilence. Heartbeat. Or Famine. Rider still approaching from the distance. It's like that scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail when the riders just keep approaching without getting any nearer. Rider still approaches with menace. I decide not to wait on the edge of my seat and go to the kitchen for a glass of Pimm's and Sprite. Man With No Teeth loads his weapon incompetently with pebbles, which promptly fall out. Heartbeat. The rider dismounts and says in rich accents, "I thought weapons were forbidden on this planet." Man With No Teeth gnashes his gums weakly. "Besides, I can't believe you'd kill me for a field of empty holes," says the strange rider, twitching his voluminous robes as he approaches Man With No Teeth. Heartbeat. "It's all I have," gasps Man With No Teeth, looking more and more like Michael Stipe with each passing minute. Heartbeat. The mysterious rider looks intently at Michael Stipe With No Teeth, who sinks to his knees and sobs. "Your pain runs deep," says the Mysterious Rider. "What do you know of my pain?" weeps Michael Stipe With No Teeth. Heartbeat. The Mysterious Rider says something about each man hiding a secret pain, which must be "exposed" and "reckoned with." (I don't know how "secret" this man's pain can be. Heartbeat. He's on a barren planet, drilling for something in infertile and arid earth, he's bald and he doesn't have any teeth. Heartbeat. Where's the big secret in all that?)

The Mysterious Rider grabs Michael Stipe With No Teeth and tells him to "share [your] pain with [him] and gain strength from the sharing." Heartbeat. Michael Stipe With No Teeth rests his head on the Mysterious Rider's breast as the heartbeats quicken and the symphony swells from The Percussion Of Suspense to The Symphony Of Enlightenment. Michael Stipe With No Teeth raises his head and asks where he gets his power. Mysterious Rider tells him the power was within himself. Michael Stipe With No Teeth says, "It's as if a weight has been lifted from my heart; how can I repay you for this miracle?" Mysterious Rider strides back to his horse and tells him the only payment he needs is for Michael Stipe to join him in his "quest." Oh dear, it's a questing plotline. I think I'll splash a little vodka in with that Pimm's. Michael Stipe asks him what he seeks. "What you seek. What all men have sought since time began. [For the Yankees not to win the World Series?] Ultimate knowledge. To find it, we need a starship." Michael Stipe With No Teeth tells him there aren't any starships on Nimbus III. Bummer. Mysterious Rider says they'll bring one to them. "But how?" Michael Stipe With No Teeth asks. With drama-queen timing, The Mysterious Rider throws off his hood and exposes his Vulcan ears. So, he's going to listen for them? "Faith," Mysterious Vulcan Rider says, "there are more of us than you know." "You're a Vulcan," Michael Stipe With No Teeth says in wonderment. Mysterious Vulcan Rider nods as Michael Stipe With No Teeth gapes gummily at him. The Mysterious Vulcan laughs and laughs. And laughs and laughs some more. In fact, he laughs maniacally in that mwoo-ha-ha-ha way to further hammer home the nail into The Coffin Of Paradox that Vulcans can laugh at all.

Cue Star Trek music, which, though commonly known as the theme for The Generation, was actually first used in Star Trek: The Motion Picture. It's still good.

Stardate: 8454.1 (i.e. sometime in the 23rd century) in Yosemite National Park, Planet Earth.

Not the fake perspiration on his face, the fancy-schmancy Reeboks, or the flour they dipped his pudgy hands in to make it look as though he's been scrabbling among the rocks for hand-holds can convince me that Shatner's fat fanny is fit enough to nimbly scale a sheer rock face. On the ground, Bones looks anxiously through a pair of hi-tech binoculars and mutters to himself, "'You'll have a great time, Bones. You'll enjoy your shore leave. You'll be able to relax.' You call this relaxing? I'm a nervous wreck. If I'm not careful, I'll end up talking to myself!" The Great Captain Kirk pauses in his "exertions" on El Capitan and surveys the mountainscape before him until a rocketboot-powered Vulcan jets up to him, obstructs his view, and starts lecturing him on the logic of undertaking such a dangerous climb. Kirk tells Spock not to distract him and then predictably falls off the mountain, plummeting, we can only hope, to his death. On the ground, Bones begins the motions of a heart attack, and Spock, after briefly considering if it's worth it, reverses himself and zooms down the mountain face after the yelling Kirk. He grabs Kirk's leg just before he smashes his face-lift into the rocks below. The two of them hang there suspended while Spock finishes his lecture and Kirk cracks some banal joke to Bones about "dropping in for dinner." Good thing Kirk had that ultra-obvious wire jutting out from his waist to lend extra safety to Spock's rocketboots catch. And not to get all nitpicky or anything, but if Spock's rocket boots allowed him to jet up the mountain and hover to Kirk, how in the laws of physics are those same rockets not ramming him and Kirk into the ground now that they are both "suspended" upside down? Are the rocket thrusters able to reverse?

Another caped, lone, and mysterious rider gallops across the dust and desolation of Nimbus III. The mysterious rider enters a cantina -- which suffers in comparison to the cantina of Mos Eisley -- ignores a dancing half-cat, half-human with three breasts, and acts mysteriously with the patrons before disappearing mysteriously into a mysterious back room. The cloaked rider throws off her hood, removes her breathing mask, and says metallically, "Gentlemen, I'm Caithlin Dar," to a human and Klingon seated at a grungy table. She's supposed to be the Romulan consul to the planet, but I guess someone forgot to alert the make-up crew. The human gets up and welcomes her to Paradise City, capital of the Planet of Galactic Peace. Heavy sarcasm on the word "Peace." The human, who has been given that funky British name of St. John, pronounced "Sinjun," introduces himself as the Federation consul to Nimbus III, and the massive Klingon at the table as that race's consul. The Klingon wetly belches a greeting between swigs from a flask.

Outside, the Laughing Vulcan and Michael Stipe With No Teeth have seemingly raised an army from the other dust nomads, and they all "hup two three" to Paradise City, singing, "Take me down to the Paradise City where the grass is green and the girls are pretty. Oh, won't you please take me ho-oome." Okay, no, but it would have been very funny if they had been singing that.

Apparently, the three of them have gathered to discuss the problems on the Planet of Galactic Peace, primarily that there is no peace on the planet. Caithlin Dar expositions for us that, twenty years ago, the three races founded Nimbus III together: "A new age was born," she says in the soothing tones of my yoga instructor, turning and smiling at her fellow ambassadors in turn. Maybe if they'd invented her race, much like they seem to have invented most of the facts in this movie, I'd find Caithlin Dar believable, but Romulans, soothing and smiling and acting peaceful? Not on your class M planet. "Our 'new age' died a quick death," Sinjun sneers through his greasy mop of hair, "and the settlers they conned into coming here -- they were the dregs of the galaxy -- immediately began fighting amongst themselves. We forbade them weapons, they soon began to fashion their own." Caithlin Dar, calm unruffled, smiles again and says, "Then it seems I've arrived just in time." Yes, because we all know the Romulans to be the distributors of peace to the galaxy. The Klingon must share my thoughts, because he looks puzzled -- either that, or the Saurian brandy isn't sitting well with him. A metallic alarm starts to grind outside, and "people" start to run around. The three ambassadors step outside to see Paradise City under attack by the Dust Mite army. Gotta love that the gate to Paradise City actually says "Paradise" in English, as though that would be the common language on that planet. Let's just nurse the overweening delusion that English would be the dominant language of the 23rd century, shall we?

The Laughing Vulcan rides a horse among his Dust Mite army, and the three ambassadors find a clue in the sand and run back inside for cover. Sinjun and Cathlin Dar access a communicator screen and power it up while the Klingon salvages some bottles from the bar. I like a Klingon who has his priorities in order. Michael Stipe With No Teeth shouts, "Get away from that transmitter!" and a few Dust Mites stupidly try to attack the hulking Klingon while he's drinking, only to find themselves in deep conversation with the wall. Ever try to take a cat's bowl away from her while she's eating? It's kind of the same reaction. The Laughing Vulcan strides in and tells the three ambassadors to consider themselves his captives. Sinjun Hamlets that they're already prisoners "on this worthless lump of rock," and asks what their value would be to him. The Laughing Vulcan says that Nimbus III may be worthless, but "it does have one unique treasure. It's the only place in the galaxy that has the three of you." Cathlin Dar says that she doesn't know who he is or what he wants, but their governments would stop at nothing to ensure their safety. I'm betting that's pretty much what the Laughing Vulcan was counting on. Sure enough, the Laughing Vulcan says, "That's exactly what I'm counting on." Maybe I should be the Romulan ambassador to the Federation and Caithlin Dar should write the recaps.

An unidentified starbase looms in the distance as Scotty's voice says, "U.S.S. Enterprise shake-down crews report. I think this new ship was put together by monkeys! Oh, she's got a fine engine, but half the doors don't open and guess whose job it is to make it right?" Meanwhile, the camera pans across the saucer portion of a starship bearing the name U.S.S. Excelsior, passes it, and centers on the U.S.S. Enterprise NCC-1701A. Mathra informs me at great length that the shot was actually taken from the ending of the movie. He goes on to say that it was uncertain whether there would be another U.S.S. Enterprise after Kirk destroyed it, and whether the U.S.S. Excelsior would actually become the flagship -- not helmed by Kirk -- of the Federation. So the use of the shot from Star Trek: The Voyage Home is just to remind everyone that, yes, the U.S.S. Enterprise is back. Uhura walks onto the bridge and finds Scotty on the ground, grumbling in technobabble. There's some minor flirtation as Uhura offers Scotty dinner in the form of silver bags. Look, I realize the ship is having problems, so their replicators (or "food selectors," as Kirk's generation called them) might be offline, but given that they're docked at a starbase, I don't see any reason why Uhura should resort to freeze-dried ice cream for dinner. The computer starts rapping a red alert. Uhura jams her earpiece in and gives the go-ahead. Starfleet informs them of the hostage situation on Nimbus III and orders them to fix it. Scotty crinkles his dinner in consternation and says, "They canna be serious -- the ship's in pieces and we've got less than a skeleton crew aboard." Uhura asks Starfleet if they are aware of their "current status." Starfleet acknowledges, but orders her to "stand by to copy operational orders and recall key personnel." Uhura and Scotty gape at each other.

Meanwhile, Chekov's hairpiece and Sulu's hairpiece are out hiking in the wilderness. Chekov's hairpiece tells Sulu's hairpiece to admit that they're lost. "Okay, we're lost, but we're making good time," Sulu says, copping a Yogi Berra. Uhura's voice commands them to "come in, please." Sulu gripes and answers his communicator. Uhura tells them their shore leave has been cancelled because of the situation on Nimbus III, and tells them to return to their pre-arranged coordinates for pick-up. "Rescued et lest!" Chekov crows. Not wanting to admit that they're lost ("Ve'd nevare leeve it duwn!"), Sulu and Chekov employ principles of slapstick and pretend to be caught in a blizzard (here Chekov blows into the communicator) while asking to be directed to the coordinates. Uhura chews on some wry toast and informs them that her visual reports sunny and 73 degrees at their location. Curses, foiled again! And, uh, they're still using Fahrenheit in the 23rd century? Uhura tells them their secret is safe with her; she'll send someone to pick them up. They just know each other so well.

We must have encountered a temporal distortion, because suddenly it's night and Bones is clanging a triangle for dinner. Kirk laughingly tells him to "cut it out" since they're right there, "and we're starving," and he sticks his nose job into the pot on the fire. Spock leans in to examine the food and asks, "Bipodal seeds, doctor?" "Beans, Spock!" Bones corrects him. "But no ordinary beans -- they're from an old Southern recipe handed down to me by my father, and if you stick your Vulcan nose up at these, you're not only insulting me but generations of McCoys." Spock says that he has little choice but to sample McCoy's beans; he takes a bite and says, "Surprisingly good. It does have a flavoring I'm not familiar with." Bones grins and says it's a secret ingredient. Kirk asks if he has any more of that "secret ingredient," and Bones passes a flask over. Spock raises an eyebrow, "Am I to understand that your secret ingredient is alcohol?" "Whisky, Tennessee whisky, Spock," Bones informs him. "Care for a snort?" "Beans and whisky, an explosive combination," Kirk says, and Spock makes a mental note not to sleep in the captain's tent that night. Kirk, channeling his Iowa frat days, says, "Do you think Spock can handle it?" Bones cracks that Spock's Vulcan metabolism would allow him to eat a bowl of termites and still be okay. Spock retaliates with, "As you're so fond of pointing out, Doctor, I'm half human." "Well, it certainly doesn't show," Bones says patronizingly. "Thank you," Spock zings. Bones comments that Spock never changes. Kirk takes a swig of whisky and exhales. You know, outside of Hollywood, I don't think I've ever seen anyone drink whisky and do that dramatic exhaling thing that male actors always seem to do.

Abruptly, Bones switches from convivial jocularity to drunken anger as he tells Kirk he nearly gave him a heart attack with his mountain-climbing stunt. Anyone else think Bones has been partaking of the secret ingredient all afternoon? They have some trite talk about life, death, et cetera, and Kirk says he knew he wouldn't die that afternoon because the two of them were with him, and he's always been certain that when he dies, he'll be alone. Bones points out the irony that they spend so much time together as shipmates, but when shore leave comes, they still decide to spend it together. "Other people have families," Bones says by way of explaining the irony to himself. "Other people, Bones, not us," Kirk says, for some reason determined to make himself into this tortured, isolated figure. Spock plays with something that looks like a bunch of rolled-up magazines, and out pops a marshmallow. Apparently, Spock researched camping-out customs and learned that toasting marshmallows is a required activity. "Tell me Spock, what do we do after the marshmallows?" Bones asks, in a voice I found oddly sinister. "We consume them," Spock explains. "I know we consume them, I mean after that," Bones says. What exactly is he driving at? "I believe we are required to engage in a ritual known as the sing-along," Spock says. Just as long as they don't engage in the barbaric male ritual of putting out the campfire, they can sing all they like. They discuss various songs before settling on "Row, Row, Row Your Boat." Well, I guess they couldn't very well sing "If I Had A Hammer" or "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds," since Nimoy and Shatner already covered them on their albums. Kirk and Bones make a hash out of singing it in rounds and then ask why Spock isn't singing. "I was trying to comprehend the meaning of the words," Spock says with furrowed brow. This enrages Bones, and he sputters, "It's a song, you green-blooded Vulcan!" Good one. Ouch. That cut deep. McCoy shouts that the important thing isn't the words but that they have a good time. "Oh, I am sorry, Doctor," Spock says contritely. "Were we having a good time?" "God, I liked him better before he died!" Bones says to Kirk.

Kirk decides that it's time to go to bed. In their sleeping bags, Spock tells Kirk that "life is not a dream." "Go to sleep, Spock," Kirk says. "Yes, Captain," Spock says. "Good night, Bones," "good night, Jim," "good night, Spock," "good night, Doctor," "good night, Spock," "good night, Jim," "good night, John Boy," "good night, Mary Ellen," and peace settles on Walton Mountain.

Some probe spins around in space, and a Klingon Bird of Prey decloaks and blasts it away. Really pathetic special effects. The Klingon captain gripes that shooting space trash isn't any sort of challenge for a Klingon warrior. Just as he says (in subtitles, because he and his first officer are speaking Klingon) that he needs a target that fights back, his first officer picks up the news of the hostages on Nimbus III. Once the Klingon captain is told the races of all the hostages, he says that the Federation will be sending a rescue ship of its own, and that he's always wanted to engage a Federation ship in battle. He orders his first officer to plot a course for Nimbus III.

A shuttlecraft wakes Kirk, Bones, and Spock from their gaseous slumbers, and Uhura steps out. Apparently, the transporter is "non-operational." Not to worry -- I'm sure it'll be fixed in the nick of time when they have to get out of a dangerous situation. Uhura tells them about the important orders from Starfleet command. Kirk asks why she didn't beep his communicator. "You forgot to take it with you," Uhura says, handing it over. "Oh, wonder why I did that," Kirk mutters, and tells his companions that shore leave has been cancelled. The shuttlecraft zooms out of Yosemite and comes into view of the Enterprise, and Kirk says, "'All I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by.'" Bones says, "Melville," but Spock corrects him, saying, "John Masefield." Bones looks annoyed and says, "Are you sure about that?" Spock shrugs him off with, "I am well versed in the classics, Doctor," but Bones gets the last dig by saying, "Then how come you don't know 'Row, Row, Row Your Boat'?" Spock sighs in -- could it be -- exasperation?

The shuttle docks successfully. Once on the chaotic and virtually non-functioning bridge, Kirk asks for a little quiet as he takes off his manly lumberjack shirt and puts on part of his uniform. All I can think about is the fact that he told Spock in the turbolift that he needed a shower, and now he's putting on his clean uniform to let it soak up his whisky sweat and campfire smoke stank. Kirk receives orders from someone at Starfleet Command named Bob to go rescue the ambassadors on Nimbus III. Kirk tells him the Enterprise is in no shape to make the journey, but Bob insists that while there might be other ships in the quadrant, he needs "Jim Kirk" to command this mission. Okay, so get him another ship, Admiral Dumbass. I know they can do that -- they've done it before. This whole James-T.-Kirk-surviving-nay-beating-the-odds-as-they-are-stacked-against-him-with-a-less-than-stellar-ship storyline is contrived and completely implausible. But seeing that Shatner wrote, directed, and starred in this travesty, maybe it's not so implausible. Admiral Dumbass confirms that the Klingons have been notified of the situation and that they'll be showing up to party soon. Kirk gives a short, non-inspirational, non-heroic speech to the crew, and Bones tells him he thinks this trip is a stupid idea. After some more pointless dialogue with Bones and Scotty about beating the Klingons (beating them to what, exactly, I don't know, since I wasn't aware this was a race: "Last one to Nimbus III's a turkey loaf!"), Kirk settles into his captain's seat, grousing that he misses his old chair. Spock gives him a look of sympathy.

Aboard the Klingon ship we saw earlier, the first officer intercepts the transmission informing the Klingon High Command that Kirk is en route to Nimbus III. The Klingon captain salivates over the idea of destroying Kirk in combat, and sets a course for Nimbus III. Mathra raises his hand: "Um, excuse me, but is this guy going to bother to ask permission from Klingon High Command to start a war with the Federation?"

Kirk attempts to record his captain's log into what looks like an answering machine, but it throws up on him, so he hands it off to his daughter the Yeoman Extra in frustration, just in time to receive information about the Nimbus hostages. Nothing of import is said here, other than the fact that General Korrd, the Klingon hostage, has "fallen out of favor" with the Klingon High Command, and Kirk hopes that "when they put [him] out to pasture," he hopes he fares better than Kordd. Shat, my man, you are out to pasture, and you ain't digesting the grass well. They all watch the hostage tape that shows the Romulan woman saying they're being treated well and their captor is humane and sincere. At that moment, the self-proclaimed leader of the Galactic Force of Light (a.k.a. the Laughing Vulcan) steps forward to say that he regrets these desperate actions, but he's desperate, and he would appreciate the dispatch of a starship posthaste to meet his demands. Spock looks concerned, examining the Laughing Vulcan's face on his personal-sized viewer. Kirk notes this and tells Spock he looks like he's seen a ghost. Spock says (enigmatically, of course) that perhaps he has. Kirk and Bones join Spock in some area other than the public bridge, and he gives them the sweet and lowdown. Upshot is, the Laughing Vulcan reminds him of an "exceptionally gifted" young Vulcan student who chose the revolutionary route of following the ways of the ancient Vulcans (seeking self-knowledge by embracing his emotions) and eschewing the not-as-ancient Surak teachings of logic. As a result, this young upstart, who was once predicted to take his place among the great bigwigs of Vulcan, was exiled. At this oh-so-interesting point of the plot twist, Kirk is hailed by the boatswain's whistle to return to the bridge; they're approaching Nimbus III. They receive a transmission from the planet demanding to know the Enterprise's intentions. Kirk, ever the quick thinker, tells Uhura to respond with static to make them think they're having problems. Yeah, it was clever when Chandler did it on Friends, but a starship in the 23rd century? Uhura continues with the tricky ruse by telling Paradise City to "boost" their power, because they aren't receiving them very well. Scotty reports that the transporters still aren't working (which might mean, in Glark's world, that the crew actually has to use the flushing toilets) so Kirk says they'll have to get the hostages out "the old-fashioned way."

In a shuttlecraft, Spock whispers landing suggestions; Kirk agrees in a whisper. Here's a question -- why are they whispering? It's not like the people on the planet are going to overhear them. Meanwhile, the Laughing Vulcan receives a transmission from Enterprise. Let's pause here -- did you ever see a television show or movie where, when someone spins around in a swivel chair to reveal their identity, they aren't planning some sort of subterfuge? Well, Chekov spins around in the captain's chair and announces himself as captain of the Enterprise. See? Told you. It should be noted for future reference that if someone spins around to face you, you're in for a surprise. Cpt. Uncle Vanya tells the Laughing Vulcan that he's in "wiolation" of the neutral zone, and orders him to release the hostages or else. The Laughing Vulcan tells Cpt. The Seagull that his threats amuse him (although he's not amused enough to laugh, I note). The sneak attack readies itself by landing the shuttlecraft and getting out. Cpt. The Cherry Orchard tells the Laughing Vulcan that a Klingon "varship" is on it's "vay," and they'll be angry enough to destroy the planet. The Laughing Vulcan says that he's lucky the Enterprise is there to protect him (ah, he's got you there, Cpt. Three Sisters) and demands that he and his first officer beam down. Cpt. Anton Pavolich keeps stalling for time.

On an unrealistic sandy knoll, Spock and Kirk discuss their attack. Kirk spots rebels with horses and is inspired to action, saying, "But we'll have to get their attention." They "get their attention" by making Uhura dress up in feathers (and very little else), stand in front of two moons (or planets -- I'm not an astronomer), and gyrate to some unknown source of music. Affected by this siren song, the unsuspecting rebel guards draw close to Uhura's plumage. To my intense delight, one of them even mutters, "Is she nekkid or what?" Closer, closer they draw until Uhura says, "Hello boys. I've always wanted to play to a captive audience," and right on cue (literally and clich-ly), a few of the landing party jump out with real weapons (and by "real," I mean "not metal tubes filled with pebbles"). "Oh, damn," says one of the rebel guards in a true Tennessee accent. The rescue party rides the horses into Paradise City, and Kirk says, "Spock, be one with the horse!" "Yes, Captain," Spock says. And it comes off that flat. Michael Stipe With No Teeth, known more for his capacious gums than his brains, orders the gates to be opened to let in their "lookout party." Kirk shouts, "Federation soldiers behind us -- close the gates!" Michael Stipe With No Teeth and his cohorts ready their metal tubes with pebbles. Spock hides a tricorder as he scans for life forms in the area. By now, Michael Stipe With No Teeth is suspicious, and, mistakenly thinking there's a twelve-hour sale at the Chevy dealership, fires up a searchlight. He trains it on Spock and Kirk, revealing their identities. A fight ensues. But it's a humane fight, because Kirk ordered the phasers set on "stun" only. I guess no one told that to the rebels, as one discharges an Uzi at Sulu that is pretty clearly not set on "stun."

Inside the hostage compound, the Laughing Vulcan hears the noise outside and asks Cpt. The Bear what in tarnation is going on. Cpt. The Proposal orders the Laughing Vulcan to surrender at "vunce," since he's under attack by superior Federation forces. The Laughing Vulcan gets upset and asks Cpt. Ivanov if he realizes what he's done, then runs out of viewing range, squealing, "It wasn't bloodshed I wanted!" He's under attack by superior forces, and suddenly he's Gandhi. More fighting where Kirk can show off his prowess of slapping a guy to the ground. The Federation fighters manage to actually stun a few rebels with blue light and Star Wars sound effects. A rebel jumps on a horse and charges at Spock, who administers the Vulcan Nerve Pinch to the poor equine and ignores the rider slithering off into the background. Kirk enters the hostages' compound, and I bite my nails to the quick wondering what will happen to him. The tri-dinnered cat-human leaps on Kirk's back, and he has quite the time fighting her off. Finally, he tosses her hissing into what looks like a snooker table full of water. Strangely enough, no cheesy line is forthcoming from Kirk about cats and water. Spock joins Kirk, casting a curious look at the wet cat just before the hostages come out of hiding. But what's this? The three hostages aim their weapons at Kirk and Spock and take their firearms away.

The Enterprise away team walks through a throng of cheering rebels as the Laughing Vulcan says, "Well done, my friends!" But as he catches sight of Spock, his expression changes from triumph to happy wonderment. "Spock!" he says, grabbing the Vulcan's shoulders. Spock frowns and steps back. "Spock, it's me, it's Sybok. After all these years, you've finally caught up with me," the Laughing Vulcan says. "Don't you have anything to say to me?" True to form, but perhaps with a bit of hesitation in his voice, Spock tells him he's violated the Neutral Zone Treaty in seventeen different ways. And true to form, Sybok, the Laughing Vulcan, laughs, and the crowd laughs with him. He tells Spock he's developed a sense of humor, which Spock denies, saying that the violations are serious ones and Sybok must surrender. Sybok tells him he won't surrender, because he's not done violating the treaty, and tells Spock he plans on stealing the Enterprise. Kirk steps forward and says, "You staged all this to get your hands on my ship?" Sybok squints at him: "Who are you?" "James T. Kirk, Captain of the Enterprise," Kirk retorts. Sybok realizes that "Captain" Kashtanka put one over on him. "Very clever, Captain," he says, and turns to Spock, telling him he's been given a "second chance" to join him. Spock informs him of the obvious: "I'm a Starfleet officer." Sybok accepts this and tells him he'll take the ship without Spock's help. The Dust Mite army cheers.

Aboard the Enterprise, Scotty reports that the Klingon Bird of Prey is closing in on their position. The Klingons think they are being stealthy and belatedly employ their cloaking device. Acting Cpt. Tolstoy tells Scotty to raise shields at the report of the Bird of Prey's cloaking, regardless of the shuttlecraft. The shuttlecraft is warned of the Bird of Prey's cloaked proximity and advised to hide itself somewhere. This doesn't sit well with Sybok, who tells Kirk to continue on their pre-set course. Kirk explains that, in order to dock, they need the Enterprise tractor beam to guide them in, and to do that means lowering the shields, blah blah blah susceptible-to-attack-cakes. Kordd, the Klingon, corroborates this information, and everyone gets antsy until Kirk decides upon a different strategy. He transmits as much to the Enterprise in the form of code name "Plan B." The Klingons intercept this transmission and don't know what Plan B is, but they now know that Kirk is on board the shuttlecraft and decide to alter their plans accordingly. Apparently, Scotty and Chekov, who couldn't find a clue if it warped into their pants, don't know what Kirk's talking about. Kirk makes it a bit unclearer for them: "B, as in barricade!" Scotty breathes that Kirk can't be serious, making me agog with anticipation. Not. Kirk explains to Sybok (and the rest of us) that they'll dock the craft manually, and therefore they won't be needing the shields lowered for very long. Sulu smilingly informs everyone that this is his "first attempt." To keep from prolonging this intensely suspenseful scene, I'll let everyone know that they make a bumpy, but safe, landing into the shuttle bay, and foil the Klingon Bird of Prey by having the Enterprise jump to warp two in The Nick of Time.

Recovering from the crash landing, Kirk tries to grab a weapon before his stunned captors come to, but Sybok is quicker than he and orders him, at pebble-point, to alter the Enterprise's course. Kirk offers to take him to the bridge, and he scuffles with him in the shuttle bay but loses after being flung around a bit by Sybok. The pebble-gun clatters out of reach, and Kirk orders Spock to "pick it up." Spock does so accordingly, but hesitates when Kirk yells, "Shoot him!" Sybok challenges Spock to fire on him, and takes the pebble-pistol away when Spock doesn't. Kirk is irritated. Sybok tells Spock, "For a moment, I thought you might actually do it," and Spock looks horrified. Sybok orders his Dust Mite Minions to put Kirk and Bones in the brig, but again asks Spock to join him. Spock tells him, "No, I will not." Sybok says, "You know I'm right!" Spock just looks at him, and Sybok relents, ordering Spock to the brig as well. How does Spock "know" anything at this point -- did they mind-meld when I wasn't looking? Spock walks over to Kirk, who gives him a dirty look before turning his back on him. Uhura and Sulu are hustled out of the shuttlecraft, and Kordd comments that they might be "useful" to them. Sybok asks for "a moment alone with them," and his Dust Mite Minions withdraw.

Scotty, always the sharp knife in the block, sees his captain being led away and thinks how to change the laws of physics.

In the ship's brig, Kirk lets Spock have it, telling him he's betrayed the ship. "Worse than that, I've betrayed you," Spock says sorrowfully. "I do not expect you to forgive me." "Forgive you?" Kirk says, warming up to his over-acting. "I oughta knock you on your Goddamned ass!" Spock, willing to oblige, says, "If you think it would help." Bones offers to hold Spock for him. Anyway, there's some pointless back-and-forth about Spock disobeying his orders before it comes out that Sybok is Spock's half-brother and therefore Spock couldn't harm a hair on his laughing Vulcan head. I'm just so surprised at that turn of events that you could have skewered me with Poseidon's Trite-ton. Bones supports Spock's disinclination toward fratricide and tells Kirk to get a grip because they need to find a way out of there.

On the bridge, the landing party -- including a de-feathered Uhura and Sulu -- enters the bridge. Cpt. Vronsky tells them he was beginning to "vorry," and asks for the real captain. Uhura tells him that Sybok "will explain everything" as Sulu alters their course to meet Sybok's specifications. Have you had your brainwash today? Chekov gets his panties in a bunch and tells Sulu he has no authority to alter their course. Sybok steps on the bridge and tells Chekov that it must be his choice. Sulu tells Chekov that he's got "to listen to this man." Sybok pulls the whole "you've got a secret pain, please share it with me" shtick and behold, Chekov is delivered unto him.

Kirk musters a few futile attempts at escape -- the only satisfying bit is seeing him getting shocked by grabbing at some of the ship's innards -- before learning from Spock that this new brig is "escape-proof." Kirk asks Spock how he came by this information (it's his ship, and he doesn't even know this?), so Spock tells him that the brig was tested using "the most intelligent and resourceful person they could find." Drink two for the ubiquitous "pointy ears" joke here from Kirk.

On the bridge, the newly-delivered Chekov barks orders at the crew. Sybok takes a moment to get evangelical on the rest of the crew by way of the ship's intercom. It's only after Sybok tells the crew that he knows the existence of "Shakari" that we go back to the brig and witness Spock saying, "Is it possible that he found Shakari, the reason Sybok left Vulcan?" Sybok goes on, saying that the planet of Shakari lies "beyond the Great Barrier at the center of the galaxy." I guess it makes sense that that's where they'd find the place. I mean, you never hear that Valhalla or Nirvana is in some out-of-the-way corner two shades to the left of something. And of course, like St. Peter or Cerberus, you have to overcome some obstruction in order to get through. I'm so deep. Predictably, Kirk has to whisper, "The center of the galaxy?" in horror, and Spock tells him that's where Shakari is fabled to exist. Kirk tells the rest of us earthbound humans that the center of the galaxy can't be reached, because no ship has gone into the Great Barrier and no probe has ever returned. A muffled scream comes from the couch. Mathra is shredding the edge of a cushion with his teeth. "Do I have to say again how NOT canon this movie is?" he asks our black and white cat. "In his own series, in Star Trek: THE ORIGINAL SERIES, Kirk pilots the Enterprise into something they call the Great Barrier several times, and they clearly say it's located on the rim of the galaxy!" Anyway, Spock makes a passing comment that Sybok was the smartest individual he ever met. Kirk angrily turns on Spock and tells him he only cares about taking back control of the ship (yeah, he's just mad that he found out he's not the smartest man Spock knows), and that either Spock's on his side or he isn't. "I am here, Captain," Spock says obviously. Kirk tells him, "That's a little vague, Spock." And then the tapping begins. Spock says he believes it "is a primitive form of communication known as Morse Code." Kirk draws out the licorice whip of suspense and beats us over the head with it as he spells out "S-T-A-N-D B-A-C-K" laboriously and belatedly as Scotty comes blasting through the wall, screaming, "What're ye standin' arrround forrr -- dunna you know a jail brrreak when you see one?"

Sybok enters the brig area, commenting, "The bond around these three is strong, it will be quite a challenge to penetrate that," and then he sees the blast hole and the empty cell. Sulu needlessly tells Sybok that they have to find them.

Somewhere in the veins of the ship, Scotty tells the Strength of Three that they canna trust anyone. Kirk mulls over sending an emergency distress call, and Spock says there's such an "apparatus" in the fore'ard observation booth. Oh, what, like the message wouldn't be intercepted by the ship's main computer? Since they're on the underside of the ship and the apparatus is on top, it will be difficult for the Power of Three to reach it. Scotty tells them they can get there via a non-working turbo tube, and gives them complicated instructions on how to reach it. Kirk orders Scotty to get the transporter working, as they'll need it when the rescue ship arrives. Kirk tells Scotty that he's "amazing," and the Three's Company scamper off. Scotty mutters that there's nothing amazing about it: "I know this ship like the back'a my hand." And then runs right into a bulkhead. And passes out. Poor Scotty.

Inside the turbo tube, Bones and Kirk start climbing. Mathra giggles from the couch and intones, "I think they need a climbing song: 'Frere Jacques, Frere Jacques'!" invoking Cpt. Picard's foray into a turbo tube. Spock leaves by another door. Elsewhere in the ship, Sulu discovers Scotty and orders Michael Stipe With No Teeth to take him to sick bay. As Kirk and Bones reach Deck 13, Spock joins them in his jet boots. He grabs Kirk and Bones around their waists and powers up his jet boots. But the extra weight is too much -- "Must be all those marshmallows," Kirk mutters, making a mental note to add liposuction to his to-do list -- and they descend. Spying Sulu and the search party at the bottom of the turbo tube, Kirk pulls at Spock's shirt and says, "Spock, the rocket boosters!" They fly past deck numbers: 526452 (um?)777878 (wha?) -- I guess they didn't believe in editing in the 80s -- and stop just short of crashing through the top. They get to the emergency message-sending apparatus and, uh, send an emergency message. They get a response from Starfleet, and give their coordinates for the rescue vessel. Lo, behold, and lo again, it's actually the rogue Klingon ship that has responded to their distress call. It sets off in pursuit of the Enterprise at the receipt of her coordinates, with the Klingon captain, in search of his Great White Kirk, shouting, "Thar she blows!" in Klingon. Okay, not really -- I mean, it's not like this is The Wrath of Khan or anything. Sigh.

To their consternation, Sybok, Michael Stipe With No Teeth, and some Dust Mite Minions catch up with the Three Amigos just as they try to exit the fore'ard observation booth. The evangelical Vulcan says, "I trust your message was received." See, I told you they wouldn't be able to send without detection. They should've caught on when their message wasn't scrambled or blocked. Kirk tells Sybok that he can't expect them to twiddle their thumbs while he pilots them into the Great Barrier. Sybok preaches about fearing the unknown, drawing from historical references ("The people of your planet once believed the world was flat, Columbus proved it was round" -- um, try Magellan, o Vulcan Of Superior Intellect), scientific proofs, blah blah blah. Sybok asks if Kirk is afraid to hear him out. "I'm afraid of nothing," Kirk says. Except for aging gracefully. Sybok orders Michael Stipe With No Teeth and the Dust Mites to wait outside. Here we go with the secret-pain crap.

In sick bay, Scotty comes to and accuses Uhura of being brainwashed. While stroking Scotty's face, Uhura explains that Sybok put them in touch with the feelings they've never had the courage to express. "There are so many things I want to tell you," Uhura says in a throbbing voice. Scotty says, "Maybe you can wait till I'm a wee bit stronger. I dunna think I could handle it in me present condition," he touches Uhura's perspiring face, "or yours!"

More sermonizing on the mount by Sybok about Heaven, Eden (I notice he doesn't break into song, "Headin' on to Eden, yeah, brother"), the birthplace of all creatures great and smallyou get the general nutty drift. Kirk protests the mind control that Sybok wields over the members of his crew. Sybok says he doesn't control them; he relieves their Secret Pain and makes them draw strength from it. Bones opines, "Sounds like brainwashing to me," and Sybok tells him his pain is the deepest. He shows Bones his Secret Pain in a little tableau visible to the Three Blind Mice, Sybok, and the tape-viewing public. As he was dying a painful death, Bones's father asked his son to relieve him of his suffering. After wrestling with his conscience, Bones takes his father off of life support. Turns out, not long after this euthanasia, the great medical minds of the time found a cure for his father's incurable disease. "A goddamned cure!" Bones shouts. Sybok grabs Bones and orders him to release his guilt, pain, and anger. "Release it!" Sybok shouts. It's very melodramatic.

On to the leper in the laying on of hands. Spock's secret pain is played out in another little tableau. Some woman is in labor on a slab of rock while a Vulcan priestess looks on and makes sweeping gestures in the general direction of her uterus. If that's their idea of an epidural, count me out of ever giving birth on that planet. The Vulcan babe is born (very large, these Vulcan newborns -- almost toddler size) and held by Sarek, who looks like he smelled something nasty in the woodshed and comments, "So human," before handing the kid back to the priestess. Bones and Kirk attempt to pick their jaws up off the floor. Kirk gets mad and asks what Sybok has done to his friends. "This is who they are, didn't you know that?" Sybok chides. Obviously not. Sybok tells Kirk to "now learn something about [him]self." Kirk says he knows all his weaknesses, mistakes, and past peccadilloes, and doesn't need "a tour of them." Bones encourages Kirk to be open-minded: "If you'd just unbend a little." "And be brainwashed by this con man?" Kirk overacts. Bones tells Kirk that Sybok took away his pain. Kirk shouts, "Bones, dammit, you're a doctor!" and that he should know pain and guilt can't be removed so easily. Kirk goes on a tangent of scenery-chewing, saying that their pain and suffering is what makes them who they are. "I don't WANT my pain taken away, I NEED my pain!" he bellows. Uhura informs them by intercom that they're nearing the Great Barrier. Sybok strides out, telling Kirk that he'll have to stay in the observation room. "Spock, McCoy, come with me!" he orders. No one moves. Spock tells him he can't follow him on his crusade, because he belongs with his captain. When Sybok fails to see the logic in that, Spock explains that Sybok doesn't know him anymore. "I am not the outcast boy you left many years ago. Since that time, I have found my self and my place. I know who I am and I cannot go with you," he explains calmly. Bones won't go without Spock and Kirk, so the Power of Three remains unbroken. Kirk tells Sybok they'll never make it through the Great Barrier. "But if we do, will that convince you of my vision?" Sybok asks. "Your vision?" Kirk asks. "Given to me by God; He waits for us on the other side," Sybok explains. Wow, his marbles are a little cracked. Kirk tells him he's "mad." "Am I?" Sybok asks with furrowed brow. "We'll see."

A bunch of lighting and stuff rocks the ship as they fly into what looks like a giant blue-and-white sandtable. Chekov can't find any readings beyond the giant sandtable, but they forge ahead. Suddenly, the flashes stop, the mists clear, and they can see a little ice-ball of a planet. Everyone is astounded. Spock says, "Fascinating." Bones asks, "Are we dreaming?" Kirk says, "If we are, then life is a dream," and looks at a mounted steering wheel taken from an 18th century frigate. There's a plaque fixed on it reading, "To boldly go where no man has gone before." Kirk ponders this.

On the bridge, everyone's getting ready to meet their Maker. Some mysterious power source seems to be oozing from the planet, making all their systems come back online after the rough-and-tumble storm. The Magnificent Three enter the bridge, and Kirk looks around and asks Sybok, "About the ship --" Sybok tells him the ship needs him as a captain. "No conditions?" Kirk asks. "No conditions," Sybok says joyfully. Kirk asks Sybok why he thinks he won't turn the ship around and take them back. Sybok says, "Because you too must know." Kirk makes everyone ready to explore the planet. He, Sybok, Spock, and Bones will be the landing party; Kirk tells everyone else to stay on board "until we determine what it is we're dealing with." There's no movement following his orders. "Well, don't just stand there," Kirk says. "God's a busy man."

Near the planet's surface, Spock comments, "I am no longer in control of the craft." Sybok grins at everyone, who look collectively nervous. Kirk starts to pick up a phaser, but in a Yahweh-type move, Sybok lays a hand on his shoulder and shakes his head. "All right," Kirk concedes, putting the phaser back, "we'll play it your way." The shuttle doors open to Shakari, and they're all (including the people aboard the Enterprise, who are watching the whole thing on TV) amazed by the beauty of the planet. Or something. The place is pretty barren and looks suspiciously like Canyonlands to me. Not that Canyonlands isn't pretty, but it's not really the lush sort of terrain you'd envision for Eden. Uhura tries to get Scotty to look at the view, but Scotty's intent on the transporter problem. While everyone else is enthralled by the red rocks and dust, a viewer screen visually reports a Klingon Bird of Prey in their quadrant and the computer's recommendation that the defense systems be activated.

The pilgrims hike for a while until Sybok gets a bit frustrated, raises his arms in supplication, and shouts, "We have traveled far!" "Farfarfar" echoes back. "By starship," Sybok almost whispers in disappointment. Aw -- you gotta feel sorry for the zealot, even if his hair has flouted visual continuity and unaccountably taken eight inches off of itself. Kirk starts to tell the Enterprise of their lack of a divine sighting. Spock makes like he's going to offer sympathy to his brother. He gets as far as "perhaps" when the planet rumbles. The sky goes black, and huge stalagmites shoot out of the ground all around them. Lucky, none of them happens to be standing on the spot of one of those eruptions. Once the rocks are done erecting themselves, the formation surrounding them sort of looks like a huge rib cage. Gasp! It's the rib cage of a white whale, and now they're in the belly of the beast! Eh, whatever. Some mist, sparkles, and blue light begin to amass in the center of the stone rib cage until suddenly a blue column of light shoots up off the planet, past the Enterprise, and into space. A voice -- Dr. Salik from Battlestar Galactica, to be exact -- booms out, "Brave souls, welcome." Bones asks, "Is this the voice of God?" "God" answers, "One voice, many faces," and some rather large masks zoom forward. Squinting hard, I think I see Lawrence Olivier, George Burns, and Cecil B. DeMille, but if I close my left eye and stand on my head while gargling, I can make out a few God masks that don't look like they were dreamed up by a Eurocentric writer.

But "God" decides to choose the face of George Murdock as Zeus cum Santa Claus, and zooms in so big and close you can see his pores. "Does this surpass your expectations?" "God" asks them. All I can think of here is Ghostbusters when that freaky chick asks Dan Ackroyd: "AreYouAGod?" Sybok speaks Vulcan in reverence. "God" talks about their long arduous journey to him and asks how they managed it. Sybok tells him of their starship. "This starship, could it carry my wisdom beyond the barrier?" "God" asks. Sybok tells him, "It could, yes!" "Then I will make use of this starship," "God" says. Sybok is so excited he nearly wets himself. Kirk interjects, "Excuse me." "God" ignores the Mighty Kirk and talks about his wisdom. Pay no attention to that Shatner behind the curtain! "Excuse me," Kirk says, louder this time, "I just need to ask a question: what does God need with a starship?" "Bring the ship closer," "God" says. "I said, 'What does God need with a starship?'" Kirk repeats. Bones grabs Kirk and asks him what he's doing. "God" asks who Kirk is. "Who am I?" Kirk asks, "Don't you know? Aren't you God?" Sybok tells "God" that Kirk has his doubts. Kirk says he wants proof. Bones tells Kirk, "You don't ask the Almighty for his ID." Blue lightning shoots out of "God's" eyes, and he gives Kirk his "proof" and gives it to him good. The people watching from the ship -- wait, watching from the ship? How in heck-fire are they doing that? Kirk et al. have traveled over large rocks and big piles of sand; how is any camera still trained on them? Oh, I give up. This movie is one big mess of inconsistencies and implausibilities. A disaster of Shatnerian proportions.

Anyway, serving up a HUGE portion of willful suspension of disbelief here, the people watching from the ship gasp at this violent act. Bones helps the singed and smoking Kirk to sit up, and he asks, "Why is God angry?" Sybok asks "God" why "He" hurt his friend. "He doubts me," "God" says. Spock steps forward and restates Kirk's question. He's lightning-bolted to the ground as well. "God" asks Bones if he doubts as well. Bones tells him he'd doubt any god who would intentionally give pain for his own enjoyment. Sybok tells "God" to stop, adding that "Him" the god of Shakari wouldn't do this. "Shakari, a vision you created," "God" tells him, "an eternity I've been imprisoned in this place -- the ship, I must have the ship. Now, give me what I want!" Spock stands up and tells his dumbfounded half-brother, "This is not the god of Shakari or any other god." Sybok still doesn't get it, and says so. "Reveal yourself!" he orders. We go into "God's" eye and "He" laughs, taking on the appearance of Sybok. "What's wrong," "He" asks, "don't you like this face? I have so many but this one suits you best!" Wha? I don't get it. Sybok bawls and shakes his head in denial. "God" tells Sybok to bring the ship closer so he can "join with it," or else Sybok will have to watch his friends "die horribly." Sybok looks imploringly at Kirk, who flips open his communicator and says, "Kirk to Enterprise, listen carefully."

Sybok goes to Spock and tells him that this mess is his own doing because of his arrogance and vanity. Spock tries to interrupt him, but Sybok continues, saying he has to undo this. "Forgive me, brother," he says, raising his hand in Vulcan salute, "live long and prosper." Sybok walks to "God" and says, "I couldn't help but notice your pain, share it with me!" and jumps into the blue light. Some wrestling seems to go on. Kirk asks the Enterprise if they're ready and tells them to fire the torpedo. It's fired, and Kirk drags the other two to cover just before the big explosion. The ribcage falls, and Spock says, "Sybok," as they look at the place where the blue light and big giant head were -- now a red smolder. There's a loud bellow from the red smolder, and Kirk shows real leadership by saying, "Let's get outta here!" Aboard the Enterprise, Uhura tells Sulu she's lost them. And the Klingon Bird of Prey, still unnoticed, cloaks itself. Yeah, well, they've got bigger fish to fry than some bumpy-headed vigilantes. In the shuttlecraft, Kirk tells Spock to get them out of there. There's loud grumbling surrounding them as Spock tells them the thrusters aren't working. The shuttlecraft is banged about as more grumbling takes place. Kirk talks to Scotty on the communicator, who tells him the transporters have enough power for two of them. Kirk orders Spock and Bones up, and as they dematerialize, Bones says, "Now just a damn minute."

Bones and Spock arrive on the ship, and Spock orders Scotty to beam up the captain, just as the Klingon Bird of Prey fires on them and sends sparks all over the transporter room. Some really loud grumbling and blue lightning bolts send Kirk running out of the shuttlecraft. Bones follows Spock onto the bridge and asks, "What about Jim, Spock? We just can't leave him down there!" Spock asks Bones to "please get a grip on [him]self," and asks Uhura for a status report. Uhura tells him the Klingons want their terms. On the view screen, the Klingon captain finally gives himself the name of Klaa, and tells Spock to hand over Kirk, saying that their transporters are ready to beam him aboard. Spock tells Klaa Kirk isn't there right now, but he'll let Kirk know that Klaa stopped by and Kirk will call him back. Klaa accuses Spock of lying, to which Spock retorts, "I'm a Vulcan, I'm incapable of lying. Captain Kirk is on the planet below." Klaa insists on Kirk's coordinates. Spock walks over to the Klingon consul and tells him he needs his assistance. The Klingon is confused. "You are his superior officer," Spock says. "I am a foolish old man," the Klingon consul says. "Damn you, sir, you will try!" Spock thunders -- inasmuch as a Vulcan can "thunder."

Kirk climbs some rock, blandly reminiscent of the opening at El Capitan. Stuff explodes around him, and the big blue face with the large pores comes before him. Just as Kirk is to meet his Maker (heh -- funnier that time around), the Klingon Bird of Prey rises into view, lowers a gun, and fires at the big blue face. The gun then points at Kirk. "So it's me you want, you Klingon bastards," he snarls, "what're you waiting for?" He's beamed aboard. Two Klingons escort him to the bridge, where the Klingon consul orders him released and says, "Kirk, my junior officer has something he wants to say to you." The Consul growls at Klaa, who steps forward and says, "I -- apologize." Another Klingon growl from the Consul. "The attack upon your vessel was not authorized by my government," Klaa finishes. "Good," the Consul beams, "and now, may I present our new gunner." A swivel chair spins around to reveal -- Spock! Did I or did I not say that anyone in a swivel chair who spins around to face you is planning to put one over on you? Well, didn't I? Thank you. Spock welcomes Kirk aboard. "I thought I was going to die," Kirk tells him. "Not possible," Spock says, "you were never alone." Kirk leaps to clasp him in his arms. "Please, captain," Spock says, "not in front of the Klingons." ["Word. Don't encourage the Kirk-Spock slash writers, Bill." -- Sars] Kirk remembers himself and takes a deep breath.

Back aboard the Enterprise, a party rages as everyone celebrates the -- well, I'm not exactly sure what they're celebrating. The destruction of a spiritual crusade? The death of Spock's brother and the loss of a potential Messiah? Well, they all drink and have a good time, at any rate. The Klingon Consul walks over to Sinjun and the Romulan consul and asks, "What are you two conspiring about?" Sinjun, his arm around the Romulan, says that they've come so far in such a short time. If that's the way he wants to look at this mission, more power to him and his state of denial. Chekov and Sulu follow Klaa's female first officer's butt into the lounge, and Chekov says, "She has vunderful musckels." They do an about-face when the female first officer walks over to a glowering Klaa, who respectfully salutes Kirk in ye olde Klingon manner. What is all this -- the Mega-Happy ending of Wayne's World? "And I learned that having a bumpy forehead and a Number One with tight buttocks will get you far in life, almost to the top, but it won't get me respect from James Tiberius Kirk, which I so want." Kirk returns the salute and joins Spock and Bones as they stare at the bluish non-Shakari planet. More speculative God talk, which Kirk ends by saying that maybe God exists in their "human hearts." Okay, that's a bit rude and racist, considering their Vulcan company and the races of the individuals on the ship who went looking for a god. When prompted, Spock comments that he was thinking of his lost brother. "Yes, I lost a brother once," Kirk says. Bones looks confused. "I was lucky, I got him back," Kirk says, looking at Spock. "I thought you said men like us don't have families," Bones argues. "I was wrong," Kirk says. Baby, you said a mouthful.

Back down in Yosemite, Spock plucks his Vulcan lute in front of the campfire (alas for Mathra, no "Bitter Dregs" tonight), and when challenged by Kirk, "Are you just going to pluck that thing or are you going to play something?" he plays "Row, Row, Row Your Boat." Kirk sings out of tune and out of time. They sing in rounds. It's awful. You know, I've decided that this is a very male-centric movie. The three men sitting around a campfire farting through their whisky and beans; Spock and Bones having secret pain surrounding their fathers; Spock and Sybok's fraught fraternal relationship; Uhura naked and dancing in the sand with feathers; Bones, Kirk, and Spock as the Unbeatable Three; the close-up on the plaque reading "To boldly go where no man has gone before"; the whole God thing assuming the figure of a man; Sulu and Chekov checking out Klingon chicksI'm not usually one for getting up on a soapbox and delivering a Women's Studies lecture based on perceived misogynistic undertones in the media, but this whole movie just drips with too much testosterone for my taste. I think Shatner was out to prove his manhood. Or something. Thanks for playing, buddy.