Previously on Ed: all of a sudden, Diane Snyder was the hottest girl in Stuckeyville High with two -- count 'em -- two suitors. Granted, the two suitors are two of the biggest dirtheads Stuckeyville High has to offer, but that goes without saying. Then, in the adult section of Stuckeyville, Ed was all gooey for Carol again now that she's being wooed by the Jackass, bringing us full circle to the beginning of the series. If this were tied up any prettier, Martha Stewart would be the head writer.
So Carol and Jackass are walking through Stuckeyville Park, Carol singing, "No more pencils, no more books, no more....uuuus dirty looks." She finds this incredibly witty and tells Jackass to get into it. He swears he's into it, and that this sullen glare he's wearing is his "Getting Into It" face.
Meanwhile, Ed and Mike are walking on the opposite side of the park. Mike bets Ed $10 that he won't wolf-whistle at a man. Ed says he's not in the mood for any silly f'n bets, and even if he were, wolf-whistling at a man goes way over the line. Mike wasn't aware that any line had been distinguished. Something tells me that if Mike knew there was a line to be drawn in the $10 bets, he wouldn't have been so gung ho to cram that ungreased gerbil up his ass in the infamous unaired pilot episode.
Zipping back to Carol and Jackass: Jackass is asking Carol if she has any plans for the evening. She doesn't, and he lets the cat out of the bag to tell her that he's made reservations for them at Chateau Marzipan or some other fancy French-sounding restaurant. It amazes me that Stuckeyville, a burg of about 30,000 people, has more to offer than my city of 200,000. The fanciest restaurant we have in town is Applebee's. Carol's asking Jackass why they're eating a fancy meal, and he says it's nothing. She's badgering him to give her a freakin' answer just as they run smack into Ed and Mike. It's a good thing nobody was carrying any chocolate or peanut butter or we'd have Reese's Peanut Butter Cups right about now. Ed wants to know what's "nothing." Carol looks ashamed as she says nothing's nothing. The two couples part, and Ed's convinced that the "nothing" they were talking about was indeed something. Mike spots an old man seated on a bench and nudges Ed. Ed whistles at the guy, who's not amused. Ed's not amused. The only one amused is Mike, who hands over a ten-spot to Ed and shifts uncomfortably as another rodent swims around in his colon.
Opening credits. I've got to admit, I downloaded Clem Snide's "Moment In The Sun" the other day, and it's really not that bad once you hear the whole song. I've been wrong this entire season about that tune. It's actually kinda catchy. Yeah. Like herpes.
Molly walks in to the Bowl and asks Shirley if Ed's around. Shirley says he's stocking the bar, and the two ladies walk in that general direction. Shirley asks if it's true that Molly's one of the judges in the upcoming Stuckeyville Talent Show. Molly says she is. Shirley wants to be in the contest, and Molly asks what her talent is. Shirley says she can fall without bracing herself. Molly starts to say she doesn't know if that's necessarily a talent when Shirley crosses her arms across her chest and falls straight back onto the floor. Shirley asks if that's anything. Molly and Ed stare at her in disbelief before Molly declares the act of falling backwards like a rotting tree a talent.
Outside, Molly and Ed walk down the street. Ed wants to know what's up with Carol and Jackass. Molly says that she knows they're going out to dinner at Maison Croissanwich. Ed can't believe that they're going to a restaurant so fancy that butter comes in little tubs and not in prepackaged pats. Ed then wants to go to the school. Molly says she just came from there, and there's nothing but books and students and teachers there. Ed still wants to go. Molly doesn't understand why. Ed must go. He's being drawn to the school like a four-year-old to Disneyland. It has become a quest to get to the school. Molly decides that she doesn't want to go to the school, so Ed goes alone. The cheese goes alone. Hi ho the derrio. The cheese goes alone.
At school, MegaMark is waddling down the hallway when he sees Warren. MegaMark tries to talk to him, but Warren brushes him off. MegaMark says that Warren can't avoid him forever. Warren keeps walking away. MegaMark says that if Warren wants to call him "Tubby" -- if that will make Warren feel better -- then he should have at it. I think this was meant to be a shout-out to this website, but I just want to let MegaMark know that it's pronounced "Tubey," not "Tubby." It's a common mistake. Don't sweat it, bud. Diane comes running up to tell Warren she has to talk to him. Warren finally stops, faces both of them, and tells them that they are dead to him and have been since the moment their lips came into contact with each other. Warren storms off, and MegaMark asks Diane what they're going to do. Diane says, "Beats me, Tubby." MegaMark says that only Warren was allowed to call him "Tubby" as Ed walks in, pushes them aside, and keeps walking towards Jackass's office.
Once inside Jackass's office, we see the Jackass sitting at his desk, playing Solitaire on his laptop. That's our tax dollars at work, kids. The guy's not only a Class A asshole to people in Stuckeyville, but he's reaming us all sideways at tax time as well. Ed walks in and goes to shake Jackass's hand, but Jackass ends up reaching for something on his desk and leaving Ed hanging. Ed says he's there to check out Jackass's spider plant. He looks at it, and comments that it really does look like a spider. Sure does, Ed. Except it's a friggin' plant. Jackass asks him if that's all he's there for, because Jackass is "kinda busy" as he keeps playing Solitaire. Ed says that, now that Jackass mentions it, Ed's heard that Jackass plans on taking Carol to Chez Marcel Marceau this evening, and he needs to know why. Pretty gutsy move on Ed's part -- "gutsy" in the sense of "ignorant." Jackass wants to know how it's any of Ed's business why Jackass is taking Carol to a fancy French restaurant. Ed says that if it's because it's a special occasion, Ed will have to order a cake, and needs to know what to write on top of it. Ed has got to be the absolute worst liar under pressure I have ever witnessed. Jackass asks if Ed's really going to buy Carol and Jackass a cake, and Ed leers, "You like marzipan?" Jackass tells Ed that he's kinda busy, so if Ed wouldn't mind...get the f out. Ed sheepishly leaves.
Over in Molly's classroom, Molly's excusing the class and telling them that tomorrow is the last day of the school year. Molly asks Warren to stay behind. Warren asks why. Molly says it's because she's got lust in her loins and needs Warren to give her some hot student lovin'. Sorry. That's not what she really said. I've got to stop reading Penthouse Forum before I write these recaps. Actually, Diane and MegaMark are waiting out in the hallway and want to have a word with the Chezzkat. Warren's a bit miffed about this ambush, but decides to let the two have their day in court. Diane and MegaMark both agree that the kiss they shared on the stairs was meaningless and done purely out of emotion at the time. MegaMark pleads for Warren to let this go because they've all been friends too long for something like this to affect them. Warren says that they're no longer friends, and that it's high time he found himself some new friends. He walks out into the hallway and loudly announces, "Good day everyone. My name is Warren Cheswick and I'd like to be your friend. I'm particularly fond of baggy pants, heavy-metal music with elements of rap included, and skateboarding." Warren walks up to a skate punk in the hallway, takes his skateboard, and starts skateboarding up and down the hallway to show MegaMark and Diane that he doesn't need their friendship because he's now part of the skateboarding culture. I've got to say, if this were real life instead of television, Warren would be eating a skateboard by now. Skate punks don't screw around with people who take their boards and then skate up and down the school's hallways. They'll kill you for even thinking of such a thing. Warren skates up to the guy whose skateboard he had borrowed, and the guy tells Warren that he sucks. Warren claims this is "skateboarder's honesty," and that's why he's now part of their clique. Warren asks the guys what they've got going on for the night, but they just walk away from him as Diane and MegaMark shake their heads. Well, in MegaMark's case, he was just shaking his chins.
Over at the Goat, Ed and Mike are at the bar. Ed's all jittery, because it's 8:03, and Jackass has probably already proposed to Carol by now. Mike asks if he would wait until after the appetizer. Ed says that while he and Mike would wait until after the appetizer, Jackass wouldn't, because he's "unconventional." Ed says Jackass is probably on bended knee right now, asking Carol to marry him. Mike says "or unbended knee," which confuses Ed, until Mike reminds Ed that Jackass is unconventional. Ed can't believe this is happening, and Mike says that of course it's happening, because Ed always acted like he didn't like Carol, and that's why she found someone else. Ed says he doesn't like Carol; he just doesn't want to lose her. Mike says that Ed had better wake up and smell the week-old coffee, because it's over and done and he can't stop it. Ed thinks for a second and says that, yes, he can stop it. Ed announces their plans to go to Villa de Bardot and stop this crazy guy from proposing to Carol. Ed's clearly intoxicated. It's kinda cute in a way. Like watching Gary Coleman on Ecstasy.
Back at the Bowl, Warren shows up and walks over to Diane and MegaMark. He announces that he hopes they're happy, because he's decided that they can all be friends again. Listen, kids: if you're in a clique at school and the person who calls the shots in your clique is anything like Warren, it's probably time to find a new clique. If you're a guy, offer your services to the school drug dealers. If you're a girl, put out and put out regularly. But remember...always wear a condom. MegaMark is glad that Warren has finally seen the light, and Warren says that he hasn't "seen the light" -- he just didn't have anyone else to hang out with. MegaMark and Diane try to stifle their giggles, to no avail, which makes Warren feel a bit like feces. They all hug and say that it's over and done with and forgotten about and never happened. They walk out of the Bowl with their arms around each other's shoulders. Warren asks MegaMark to get in the middle of the three for "symmetry" purposes. MegaMark goes to take a swing at Warren and runs out of breath before he can get his fist to chest level.
Over at Maison de Cannes Eiffel, Mike and Ed are slowly sliding down the side of the building with their backs to the walls like cat burglars about to pull off a major heist. Ed peeks into the window and sees Jackass and Carol sitting there gabbing and eating. Ed sees Carol's finger and notices that there's no ring on it, so he's not too late. Meanwhile, Mike has called inside and asked the maitre d' to page Jack Ass to the phone, please. Ed describes Jackass as a silver-haired gentleman, dining with a particularly beautiful blonde fraulein. Jackass is paged away, and Ed says he's going in. Meanwhile, Mike has gotten Jackass on the phone; Mike has disguised his voice. Mike tells Jackass that his name is Lamar Ferguson, and that he is the father of one of Jackass's students. There's a pregnant pause, and then Mike blurts, "Lamar Ferguson Jr." It doesn't read as funny as it actually was. Kind of like my autobiography.
Inside, Ed walks over to the table, where Carol's sitting alone. He has something to say to her. Dramatic music swells. Ed finally blurts, "Try the consommé." He insists that the restaurant makes a fine consommé. Carol wants to know if this is a joke. Jackass walks up, and Ed finally gets that handshake he's been waiting on. He tells Jackass to enjoy his braised short ribs and not to fill up on bread; Ed then says good night, slipping out a side door and having a great deal of trouble getting out of there. Carol gets a look on her face like, "I bet Ed's pining away for me and came in here to tell me he loves me and if he had just said it, I would have jumped in his arms and run away with him to wherever he wanted to run away to because anything beats spending the rest of my life with a prematurely gray-headed socially retarded jackass." Or maybe it was just gas from the consommé. It's time I admited that I have a hard time figuring out when troubling gaseous problems are affecting people on an individual basis.
Commercials. Hey, there's some new movie called Attack of the Clowns out. Man, oh man. Don't tell my boss; she's terrified of clowns. I think it's kinda silly myself, but she says it all stems from watching a group of clowns decapitate her grandmother and eat her head when she was a child. That's also the reason she takes a lot of pills all day long and keeps a bottle of Jack Daniels in her file cabinet. And it's probably the reason she's scamming money from the company, too. I guess mental scarring from killer clowns will do that to a person. That's why I'm glad I had a sheltered childhood. The only repercussions I have from my sheltered childhood is my inability to determine how much cologne is "too much." Other than that, I'm cool.
Back at Maison Moulin Rouge, there's a tinge of awkwardness hanging in the air which could probably best be compared to the general feeling in the room when those detectives found the late INXS singer Michael Hutchence's body. It's like, "Who wants to say something first?" Finally, Jackass says it might be a good idea if they talked about Ed. Carol agrees, and has no idea why Ed's acting so weird, unless he's all hopped up on horse tranquilizers again like he was in high school. Jackass says there's something he needs to know: is there still something between Carol and Ed? Carol pauses -- while 6.3 million people sit on the edge of their seats -- and then finally says, "To be perfectly honest, [Jackass]...yes. There is something between us." 6.3 million people cheer inside their homes across the nation. Then Carol finishes: "That something is...friendship." And that's when 6,299,999 people throw their remotes at the television screen, save for Mrs. Henry Allbottom from Topeka, Kansas, who's suffering from a severe case of the gout and doesn't have the energy to throw her remote in disgust at Carol Vessey. Carol says that her and Ed's friendship is unusual and complicated. Jackass says that, in the spirit of honesty, he wants to let Carol know that he went on a three-day bender a few weeks ago and had sex with a box of Multi-Grain Wheat Thins while heavily intoxicated. He blames this slight indiscretion on the fact that those extra grains added to the wheat just make those thin damned little crackers perkier than Mary Lou Retton managing a Starbucks and before he knew it, he was nailing a Nabisco product. Carol's a little disappointed in him and says that if he ever fell off the wagon again, he should not be afraid to tell her. Then they're all happy happy joy joy except, you know, in the back of Carol's mind, she's got to think she's settling down with one psychotic cracker fucker.
Back at the Goat, Warren and MegaMark are sitting in a booth while Diane freshens up in the can. Personally, I don't see how much freshening up a gal who's constantly wearing an oversized fatigue jacket can do, but I'll suspend my disbelief at this time. Warren's telling MegaMark that he's glad they've gotten past this whole thing, because he really thinks he's making ground with Diane, and before he knows it, he's going to be nailing her like a drunk principal nails Wheat Thins. MegaMark is a bit taken aback by this semi-raunchy talk from the Chezzkat. Warren asks MegaMark whether he thought Diane was a good kisser, and then starts getting all "guy" on him. It's kinda funny to watch Warren attempt "macho." Diane comes up and sits down to Warren; she's shed the fatigue jacket, which makes a freakin' liar out of me. Thanks, Diane. Thanks for making me look like a complete ass. Warren calls Diane "Lil' D," and then says, "The Chezkat and Lil' D! That's what I'm sayin'!" In the mean time, the camera gets a slow closeup of a lovesick MegaMark that makes me feel a tinge of sadness for the guy. I mean, not enough to quit poking fun at him. Just enough to make me think that maybe he's hurting inside. Deep inside. Too deep for any surgeons ever to find. Maybe a crack team of Scandinavian liposuction experts could find the hurt. But other than that...the shit is buried.
Ed and Mike are working in the park, building the stage for the upcoming talent show. Ed's convinced that Carol's engaged right now. Mike says that Ed doesn't know that, and Ed says of course they're engaged, because Jackass ordered braised short ribs and a man doesn't order braised short ribs unless there's a very important moment going down. Personally, I'm not even sure I know what braised short ribs are. To the best of my knowledge, Applebee's doesn't serve them. Ed's having trouble believing that Carol would settle for anyone less than a supercool handsome type. Mike stays silent. Ed sighs and accuses Mike of thinking that Jackass is the supercool handsome type. Mike says he didn't say that, but he does think Jackass is slightly handsome. Ed demands to know what's so handsome about him. Mike says he's sort of attractive. He's got nice eyes. They might be hazel. He's got strong shoulders and a great set of abs. Mike excuses himself to go find a broom closet in order to spank his wonk-wonk.
Over at the Bowl, Phil's carrying around a unicycle. Shirley tries to give him bowling pins, but Phil specifies that those pins aren't good enough; Phil needs the pins with red stripes to match the unicycle. Shirley takes off on her quest to please Phil when Kenny lumbers in. He wants to know what's going on. Phil says that he's going to enter the talent show, showcasing his talent of being able to juggle while riding a unicycle. Kenny snorts and says that Phil can't do that. Phil says he can. Kenny says he wants to see. Phil refuses. Kenny tells Phil to forget the unicycle, and just juggle. Phil says that tomorrow night, Kenny will get to see Phil do it. Kenny tells Phil just to throw one pin in the air and catch it. Phil says that Kenny's skepticism is duly noted, and tells him to scamper along. Kenny sneers, "I wish I had a mallet." At first, I thought he said he wished he had a mullet, which didn't make much sense. Although, I've gotta be honest, Kenny with a mullet equals instant ratings boost, NBC. Just something to think about for Season Three.
Warren's at his locker. He slams it and finds MegaMark standing silently behind it, scaring Warren. Warren tells MegaMark not to sneak up on him like that, and MegaMark says he hasn't been able to sneak up on anyone since the fourth grade. Dammit! The bastard stole my line! Granted, I was going to say "third grade," which would have been one year funnier, but it doesn't matter now because the point is moo. They walk down the hall; Warren is all giddy about the upcoming Stuckeyville Fair, starting tomorrow night. Since the beginning of time, women can't resist the charms of rides put together by men with second-grade educations, and carny food. This lethal combination is what Warren thinks will make Diane fall curly head over heels in love with him. MegaMark stops Warren and says they have a problem. What kind of problem? MegaMark says it: he's in love with Diane Snyder. Warren says he's not; he just said that the kiss was meaningless. MegaMark says he's sorry, but he was lying; he's in love with Diane. Warren starts to lose it as he feels his world come crashing down around him, while MegaMark is cool as a cucumber. MegaMark says that the heart wants it wants, and he wants Diane, and that it's complicated because he and Warren are best buds. Warren says that's right, and now MegaMark's interested in his lady. He says it about four times, his voice getting more shrill with each repitition. MegaMark says, "Calm down, Joe Pesci." Warren says that this is crazy, because MegaMark is the one who told Warren to go out with Diane in the first place. A look of shame comes over MegaMark's face, and he quietly says, "It's because I didn't think I had a chance." Oh. My. God. I'm sorry, but this kid is one helluva actor. When he said that, my heart just dropped. Suddenly, in a moment of clarity, I have decided that I've spent too much effort ridiculing this guy for the last two years. From now on, he'll simply be known in my recaps as Mark. This is because he's a great kid who's pained on the inside and torn between hurting his best friend and going after the woman he loves and he shouldn't be judged by his physical stature. Plus, it's getting to be a royal pain in the ass typing MegaMark every time I have to mention the fat bastard. Mark walks away as Warren calls after him that he doesn't stand a chance against Warren P. Cheswick, and asks if Mark knows that Warren's one of the greatest lovers of their time. Mark smugly says, "Yeah, it was a question on Jeopardy!." Warren says he'll just see Mark at the fair, and damn...Mark can play this pained teenager role to the hilt.
Back at the stage, Ed's asking whether Mike thinks Jackass's hair is attractive, too. Mike doesn't want to talk about it anymore. Ed spots Carol and Molly walking their way, and starts freaking out once again. Ed asks if Mike can spot a ring or a post-engagement glow on Carol. Ed starts whistling like a maniac to signify that he's busy at work and not paying attention to Carol. Molly says hi to them, and Carol asks to speak to Ed in private. They walk around while Ed wonders if Carol wants to talk about these new mosquitoes that bite you on the hands and thus kill you within six hours. Ed says he'd be glad to check out Carol's hands for her if she needs him to. He's speaking pretty fast, like a chipmunk on speed. This is exactly what Carol wants to talk about: how weird Ed's gotten lately. Meanwhile, Ed's desperately trying to check out Carol's hands to see if there's a ring on her finger. The physical comedy in this scene is hilarious -- something I didn't catch the first time I watched it. Finally, Carol stops Ed, and says, "Ed, it's me," bringing her ringless hands to her chest. "Tell me what's wrong." Ed doesn't see a ring, and calms down instantly. "Nothing," he grins. She tells him that, last night, Jackass asked her to travel around the country with him over the summer. This news throws Ed straight back into Jumpy/Nervous Mode, as he tells her to have a great time and to make sure to get a Trip Tik to make their trip that much more enjoyable. Carol's perplexed once again. I'm beginning to think that these two are the dumbest damned people on television.
Meanwhile, Phil's getting his bright red jumpsuit fitted for his talent-show appearance. He's telling the tailor to make sure he has the name "Phil Stubbs" on both the front and back of the suit, and asks Antonio whether he's got that. The tailor says his name is Gus, and Phil says that if he doesn't mind, Phil likes his tailors to be called "Antonio." Ed walks in and asks if these are the new outfits for the bowling alley. Phil says no, that this is the outfit Phil will be wearing when he's named the most talented bastard in Stuckeyville. Ed asks Shirley her opinion on the outfit, and she says she feels a wave of embarrassment on Phil' s behalf. Ed says that was well put, as Phil tells Antonio not to get so friendly with the chalk. I'm sorry, but I get the feeling that Phil's big moment in the sun is going to be about as well received as Vanilla Coke.
Warren's sitting in Ed's office, at Ed's desk, staring at a bottle of Johnny Walker Red with a gaze I haven't seen since I was a kid watching Mom seduce a six-pack of Budweiser. Warren's glad to see Ed and says that they both seem to have a case of the woman problems, and maybe they need to tip back some hooch to forget about their ladies. Ed wants to know where Warren got the bottle, and Warren says Phil gave it to him when he told Phil Warren was thirty-seven years old. Ed would love to comiserate with Warren, but right now he's got things to do. This is just as Jackass storms in to the office. Jackass says he needs to talk to Ed alone. Warren tells Jackass that anything he has to say to Ed, he can say to Warren. Ed says, "Warren!" and Warren jumps up to leave, trying to grab the bottle of booze behind Ed, to no avail. Jackass wants to know what Ed's deal is. Jackass says that the guy at the jewelry store said someone came poking around, wanting to know Jackass's business in there. Ed admits that he was the one who did that. Jackass tells Ed to mind his own business, and that Ed's "aw shucks" routine doesn't work on Jackass. Ed tells Jackass to do right by Carol. Man. Wrong words to say to the Jackass, Eddie. Jackass goes off on Ed, telling him that it's over between Ed and Carol. And that Ed may have stood a chance when he was strutting around like King Arthur, but those days are gone, hombre. In fact, it's not "over," because it "never was." Carol was there for the taking on several occasions, but Ed went the safe route, wanting just to be friends. And now he wants to complain about it. Well, Ed got just want he wanted: he and Carol are just friends. Jackass shakes his head in disgust and leaves, seconds before Ed was gonna get all Matrix on his ass and kick him several times in that ruggedly handsome Jackass chin of his. Ed exhales sharply, because he realizes that everything Jackass said was true. Except he was strutting around like Sir Galahad, not King Arthur. Dumb-ass Jackass.
Commercials. It's nice to see that the bald doctor on ER is dead now. But this week, it seems there's a whole new crisis on that show to make me sick. Little kids with these huge pus-filled sores all over their faces invade the hospital. It's like Children of the Pus-Filled Face Sores Damned or something. Totally creeping me out. Bring back the dead bald guy. At least he didn't make me want to squeeze the pus out of my television.
Mike and Nancy are sitting at a piano, dressed as Archie and Edith Bunker, and singing "Those Were The Days." I didn't think it was possible, but Nancy's hotness jumped the shark about two months ago. Every week, she gets less and less hot. Now she looks like Edith Bunker. How in the hell am I supposed to fantasize during sex that my wife is Nancy Burton when Nancy's now less attractive than my wife?! C'mon, writers! Think, damn you, think! Meanwhile, Molly's standing by, looking like she's in the kind of pain that is normally reserved for a backstage meet-and-greet with Siegfried and Roy. Molly says that Mike and Nancy's act is horrible, and Mike says it's not supposed to be good. Molly says she knows, but this is making her want to kill herself. The doorbell rings, and Molly gets it just so she can leave the room. Nancy thinks Molly's missing the irony in their act. The irony here is that once I admitted my lust for this character in print, the writers started gradually making her less attractive. Ed's at the door. He's depressed. It's Miller time. They all sit around the living room as Ed pours his heart out about how sad he is that Carol's leaving. Molly points out that they're leaving tomorrow night after the talent show, and this depresses him even more. He babbles on and on about melons in the supermarket. You look at a melon and you try and decide if you want the melon. You stare and stare and then finally someone else comes along and grabs the melon and takes it home and eats it and makes it have multiple orgasms while you're still in the supermarket wondering what the hell happened to your melon. Mike says that Ed had better be sure he doesn't want that melon. Because after tomorrow night, Jackass and Carol are leaving, and when they come back, there won't be many options on the topic. Molly says she has four words for Ed: "Get off your ass." Then Molly blurts fifteen words for her ex-boyfriend Jim: "Why couldn't you have treated me like a melon? Like a dirty, bad, bad melon?"
The night, the Stuckeyville Fair is in full swing. Warren and Diane are walking around, with Mark hanging behind like a depressed bodyguard. Warren spots the booth where you shoot water into the clown's mouth and blow up a balloon. The first one to blow up his or her balloon gets a prize of his or her choice. Warren lays down a dollar for himself and a dollar for Diane, making a big deal out of paying for Diane's shot. Mark quips, "Oooh, a whole dollar! Nice going, Mr. Trump!" Warren ignores Mark and tells Diane that he's highly skilled at carnival games, and has been banned at several carnivals across the country. Mark prays and asks God to help him shoot the pistol with a firm hand. The race is on, and Warren wins it, getting a huge pink bear for Diane. They're like two young lovers, because they are two young lovers. Meanwhile, Mark looks like he's been swiftly kicked in the nads. That is, if anyone could ever find his nads to kick 'em.
Meanwhile, the adults are walking around the Fair, listening to Mike complain that there's no log flume. Carol and Jackass walk up on them, and they all say hi to each other like this: "Hi guys!" "Hi Carol, Hi [Jackass]." Just like that. Ed asks Jackass when they're leaving on their trip, and he says as soon as this dog-and-pony talent show is over with. Wow. That's one chipper guy you've landed there, Carol! Ed asks why so soon, and Jackass asks him if he's ever seen the Upper Cross Gorge at sunrise. Ed says he's never even seen the Upper Cross Gorge. Jackass says he should go see it sometime, and Ed asks if Jackass is inviting him along. Ha! Touché, Eddie Boy! Phil walks up and asks Molly where the judges will be seated. She says they'll be in the chairs right in front of them. Phil inhales the air as Kenny asks him what he's doing. Phil says he's soaking in the air: it's a little trick he learned from his good friend Sammy Davis Jr.'s autobiography. Mike tells Ed that he has exactly an hour and thirty-two minutes to make his move. Ed thanks Mike for making him more nervous than Daniel Pearl.
Mark buys two cotton candies and offers Diane one. She says no thanks, because she doesn't want to end up a fat and miserable pig with no love life someday...no offense, Tubby. Warren's busy prattling on about how he is the master of shooting water into a clown's mouth, and Mark loses it, asking if that skill is ever going to help Warren later on in life. Whoa, whoa, whoa, big guy. Yes, it may help Warren later in life. Just ask my boss. If her grandmother had known how to shoot a clown in the mouth, she might still have her head and be alive today. Granted, she'd be about 130 years old. But...you know, it's still an important skill nevertheless. Renegade clowns -- they be everywhere! At another booth, Mike's won Nancy a goldfish, and asks the guy how long these fish usually live. The grumpy bastard says, "Forty-five minutes." Mike tells Nancy it's time. Nancy's uneasy about all this, and Mike says it must be done. They walk over to the gang, and Mike announces that Ed needs to get on the Ferris Wheel with them. Mike's got four tickets. Who else should go? Hmmmmm, how abooooout...Carol?! Carol's taken aback, but Jackass tells her to go; he'll just hang out with Molly and talk about carny food to make her drool. So Mike and Nancy will ride in one car, Ed and Carol in the other. The ladies walk off ahead, and Ed thanks Mike for being so subtle. Mike reminds Ed that it's the bottom of the ninth; there's no time for subtlety. Ed thanks Mike, and Mike wishes him luck. I straighten up in my seat, because this is what I've been waiting on for forty-four episodes now: Ed and Carol riding a Ferris Wheel together. Zowey! This'll be one for the archives, all right! By "archives," I mean "TWoP Archives." Which, you know...isn't all that special. These guys archive everything.
Commercials. Oh. An update to something I wrote earlier: it's not Attack of the Clowns. It's Attack of the Clones. Apparently, Dolly the Sheep and all her clone buddies have gone mad and are attacking the human race. Or something. I don't know; I don't get into horror movies anymore.
Warren -- fully caught up in all the hoopla that a carnival can provide -- runs up to a guy and asks how many tickets the Ferris Wheel takes. The old geezer tells him eight tickets. Warren balks at this hefty number of tickets for a boring Ferris Wheel ride, so the guy tells Warren that he'll let him ride for six. Warren gets excited and says, "Really?" The guy pulls the old "no. Not really" line on him, getting a chuckle at the poor geek's expense. Meanwhile, Mark's walking around all mopey, like all the corn dog stands have closed down for the night, and has to sit down on a bench to catch his breath. Diane finds Mark and asks if he's okay; he says sure. She says he seems kind of down, and he says he's okay; he's just winded after walking ten feet. Warren comes running up with sixteen tickets for himself and Diane to ride the Ferris Wheel. Diane tells Warren to let her and Mark ride the Ferris Wheel, since Mark didn't get the thrill of winning the clown game. Warren stares in disbelief as Diane grabs Mark's hand, and they go scampering off towards the Ferris Wheel. As they go, Mark gleefully shouts to Warren, "I didn't get the thrill of winning the clown game!" Warren looks like a desperate man. Not a "frantically drowning" type of desperate. More like a "I wonder if Molly would sleep with me" type of desperate.
Over at the Ferris Wheel, everyone's getting on the ride. Carol spots Diane and Mark and asks where Warren is. Diane says he's sitting this one out. Ed and Carol get in their car. Ed asks Carol if she's scared. She says no, and asks if he is. He says no, and gives a sly grin. Uh oh. Something's up here. I get the feeling when they get off the ride, they'll be the ones engaged. You just watch, Buster. I'm never wrong about this type of thing. Meanwhile, Mark and Diane get in their car. Diane asks Mark if he likes Ferris Wheels. Mark's got the "frantically drowning" look on his face, otherwise known as sheer panic. Mark says he likes them; he's just not sure they like him. Diane points out that Mark makes fun of himself a lot, and asks why. "Because it's pretty damned easy" is his reply. Hallelujah, big guy. That's the same reason I do it. It's much easier to make fat jokes than it is to make neurotic jokes about Carol or nice-guy jokes about Ed. If I actually spent the time required on these recaps to make fun of people other than Mark, we'd all be reading the third-episode recap right now, rather than that of the season finale.
Warren's trying to buddy up to the guy operating the Ferris Wheel. He asks if there's any way they can make this ride a short one. The guy says it goes around fourteen times. Warren thinks that's crazy, because when he was a Ferris Wheel operator back in Reno, they'd go around six times max, leaving the customers wanting more. The guy says it's going around fourteen times, exhibiting the same diplomatic kindness you find in most carnies. Warren mentions that he's seen guys lose their pensions by letting Ferris Wheels go around fourteen times. It's scenes like this that give me a firm belief that the people who don't watch Ed are truly missing out on some of the greatest acting on television. A desperate Warren is truly a sight to behold.
Carol and Ed are talking about her upcoming trip. Carol's never traveled across the country before. Ed has, and proudly announces that he threw up in seven states, which is a pretty impressive thing to tell a girl you're trying to get to leave her boyfriend and potential fiancé. Then Ed ruins it by saying that he threw up at the four corners of the four states out west, knocking four of the states out with one vomit blast. Loser. In their car, Diane wants Mark to tell her what's going on. Mark finally admits that he's no good at competing for girls. Diane's all, "What?!" and Mark's all, "I'm gracefully bowing out of the competition," and Diane's all, "I don't think you should do that," and Mark's ears perk up like a dog's and he's all, "Huh?!" like Scooby Doo.
Meanwhile, Warren smells defeat in his quest to get some carnival coochie later on. He demands that the operator stop the ride, because a pregnant woman and a man with a pacemaker are on it. The guy says he's not stopping the ride. Warren throws the big pink bear on the ground and says that this guy is the most close-minded Ferris-Wheel operator Warren's ever encountered. Which is probably a compliment in this guy's book, considering the much-rumored behind-the-scenes talk about carnies and their wanton sex lives. These guys make Catholic priests look like monks.
Carol's talking about the sweet smell in the air, and Ed says it's honeysuckle. She says there's nothing like an early summer's eve with the smell of honeysuckle wafting through the breeze. It's like a hint of sugar in the air. Damn. It's almost like she's channeling Robert Frost on the Ferris Wheel. Ed needs to kiss Carol. Now. Kiss her now. Kiss her....shit. We now see Diane and Mark as the Ferris Wheel stops, leaving them on top. On the ground, Warren's freaking out and wants an explanation as to why the Ferris Wheel has stopped with Mark and Diane on top. Diane asks Mark whether he's ever kissed a girl on top of a Ferris Wheel. Mark says he hasn't. Diane leans over and kisses him, which prompts Warren to scream, "Move the Wheel! Move the Wheel!" He gets in the carny's face and orders him to move the wheel. The carny says it's an automatic shut-off, and that it will power back up in a minute. Warren, tasting the bittersweet effects of defeat, gives up and walks away from the ride, leaving the big stuffed pink bear that he won for Diane on the ground. A clown is seen in the distance, ready to attack Warren, but we don't actually see the attack, which is probably good because I don't think my heart could take it.
While the Wheel is stopped, Ed takes the opportunity to make his big announcement: he's going to miss Carol. He's going to miss her a lot. She says it's only for the summer, and that she'll miss him, too. Ed's going to kiss Carol. You can see it in his eyes. His lips are moving and he's going to lean over and...kiss her, and...shit. He stopped. He just sits there like a complete loser as the Wheel cranks back up again and they ride in sexually frustrated silence.
Over at the talent show, Molly introduces Phil to the audience. Phil's dressed like Elvis if Elvis had ever undergone a lobotomy, and says he's prepared to bedazzle the crowd with his juggling act atop a unicycle. But he only has two pins; he must have left one backstage. He excuses himself with his trademark smug look, and ducks behind the curtain. An obvious Phil impersonator comes out from behind the curtain on a unicycle and leaves the audience slightly bemused rather than bedazzled. Warren's the only guy to give him some half-assed applause, while everyone else just waits patiently for the guy to leave the stage. Phil's shown pacing backstage and peeking through the curtain to see how the Phil Stubbs impersonator is doing. Diane leaves Mark's side and walks over to Warren to tell him that he's being an ass, just as the final musical montage of the season kicks off to the strains of Coldplay's "Yellow." We get a glimpse of Gavin -- the third buddy in the high-school trio before Diane entered the picture -- tapdancing. Dr. Jerome is rubbing his finger around crystal glasses to play a song. Kenny is taking softballs lobbed at his chest, looking like Superman shrugging off bullets. Mike and Nancy have stuck with their All In The Family tribute, but have switched places, letting Mike play Edith and Nancy play Archie. That's what I get for bitching about Nancy looking like hell as Edith, I guess. Warren loses Diane. Ed loses Carol. And now...I've lost Nancy. 'Tis a cruel world we inhabit, children. Warren plays the bigger man and takes a seat to Mark and Diane, making Diane smile and Mark wary. The award for the most talented person in Stuckeyville goes to Phil's impersonator as Phil stands onstage, dejected, hurt, and sad. A quick update: Warren's lost Diane. Ed's lost Carol. I've lost Nancy. And Phil's lost a talent-show prize. Has there ever been a sadder episode?
The adult gang's walking around after the talent show, and Jackass announces that he's got to go pack, so he's Leaving. He tells Carol he'll be by her place to pick her up at 10. Bye, Jackass. See ya. Don't let the door hit you in the ass. Carol says she doesn't know what she's thinking, because she should go home and pack, too. Carol gets a much warmer sendoff from Molly, Mike, and Nancy, who all hug her goodbye and walk away, leaving Ed and Carol standing there. Carol asks if she has to say anything clever right now, and Ed wants to know why she asked. She says that if she has to continue talking, she's going to cry. Ed tells her she doesn't have to talk, and they embrace in a very long hug. They finally pull apart, and this is where he's going to kiss her. I just know it. He gets ready to kiss her and...first, he says, "You're going to have a great..." and you know he wants to say "life," but he stops himself and says. "...summer." Carol nods her head "yes," and you can tell even Carol is waiting for that kiss. She's waiting for Ed just to say something, anything that will make her change her mind. Something. Anything. They stare at each other for about thirty-five minutes before he says goodbye, and she says goodbye and walks away, leaving Ed alone. Sad and alone. Kinda like me without Nancy. But at least I still have a wife. Ed doesn't even have that. Or a pet. Ed needs a pet. I hope he gets a dog season, or something. Maybe Nancy will give him her goldfish. That would be cool.
The three younger kids are still exploring this vast Stuckeyville Carnival. Warren's telling the other two they're very lucky that he's so understanding and is handling this so well. Mark goes to put his arm around Diane, and Warren stops him, telling him they're not quite there yet. Mark takes his arm off, and Warren says he was just kidding; he tells Mark to go ahead and put his arm around his lady. They chuckle as Warren says that he didn't want to say anything, but he knew he could do better than Diane, anyway. This prompts Diane to jump on his back and they all playfully run around the field, except Mark, who's lying on the ground with marine biologists desperately trying to roll him back into the nearest ocean.
Carol's at home, packing away, when a knock comes at the door. "It's open," she calls. Someone walks in, and I immediately think, "Uh oh. A polite burglar. Grab your mace, Carol. Grab your freakin' maaaaaace!" Nope. It's Ed. Carol's kinda shocked that it's Ed. My guess is that he's here to kiss her. We've had roughly umpteen false endings to this show already; this has to be where he kisses her. Ed says he won a duck and thought Carol might want it. She loves it. They have to decide on a name for the duck. They go with "Charlie." I would have named him Howard, but that's me. A horn honks outside. "That's Dennis," she says. "Yeah," he says, staring at her, getting ready to kiss her. He doesn't. There's a knock at the door. Carol goes to answer it. Ed grabs her arm and finally...plants a big one on her. At first, she resists, but then...if you watch her jaw, you can see that the chick gets into it. Man. They're slobbering like junior-high kids at the prom. Ed finally draws back, and Carol's eyes are fluttering and rolling around. She even gives a quick, subtle dip that insinuates she's weak in the knees from the kiss. They look at each other while Jackass continues rapping on the door. Finally, Carol wipes her mouth off and says, "It's open." Jackass walks in and sees Ed there. You'd expect him to get all kung-fooey on Ed, but Ed says he just came by to give Carol a "going-away gift." Carol grins. Ed picks up the duck. He tells them to have a great trip, and leaves. Carol looks like a kid who just got caught with her hands in the cookie jar. Or her tongue in her friend's throat. Ed stands on the porch, grinning like a man possessed. I don't understand it, either.
That was a pretty good ending to the season. I would have liked to see something definite between the two main characters, but something tells me that when the show got picked up for renewal, the producers went with this ending to keep the "will they or won't they" element an ongoing story. I'm willing to bet that there was another ending shot that would have wrapped up the loose ends a bit more with Carol and Ed finally doing the nasty, if the show hadn't been renewed. But if you have a heart, you have to cheer Mark getting Diane, because they make a much better couple, and it's more fun to watch Warren chasing the woman than being with the woman. Now that summer's here and my duties from TWoP are finished, I plan on going on a cross-country tour myself. All right, fine. I plan on getting yard work done and sleeping in on Saturdays. So this is goodbye. Or as the French like to say, "Sayonara."