Previously on Ed...Carol broke up with Nick. That's it. We're on our sixth hour of Ed, and the only plot line that NBC feels is worth mentioning is that Carol broke up with Nick. I understand that this is the main theme of the show right now...Ed's love interest is now available and ripe for the pickin'. Everything else pales in comparison to this plot. Even Molly's rapid weight gain is left behind collecting dust when it comes to the saga of Nick and Carol.
Inside the bowling alley, a crowd has gathered around the front desk as America's sweetheart, Phil Stubbs, hops up on the counter and blows an air horn to get everyone's attention. He indulges us with his usual smarmy patter and then introduces his boss and CEO of Stuckey Bowl, Mr. Edmund Stevens, to a thunderous round of applause. If, in fact, twenty people can create an applause level worthy of being deemed "thunderous." Ed thanks the crowd for the smattering of applause and corrects Phil on his actual name. It's Edward, not Edmund. Phil "raises the roof" and says, "Woo! Testify!!"
...I need a Phil t-shirt, NBC. I want Phil's mug on the front with the words "Woo! Testify!!" emblazoned across the bottom. I shall wear this t-shirt to every social function that I have the fortune of being invited to, and I will spread the gospel of Edaccordingly. And believe me...when you're the sexiest man in the world, you get invited to quite a few shindigs, guys. Whip me up a t-shirt with Phil on it, and I guarantee you, you'll have a top-ten show inside a month.
Oh yeah...you guys want an actual recap of the show...my apologies...
Anyhoo...Ed then thanks the crowd on hand and welcomes everyone to the annual Bowling Tournament. He then introduces Mayor Wally Kendricks, played by veteran character actor M. Emmet Walsh, who, to America's shock and dismay, is still alive and kicking. Mayor Kendricks begins his complimentary spiel on the upcoming Election Day, but the hungry crowd wants none of that...they're here to BOWL, baby!! The mayor realizes he has a potential riot of bowlers on his hands, drops the speech like a deformed blind date, and pulls out his gun to shoot, thus officially opening the tournament festivities. The gun doesn't go off. The mayor fiddles with it a bit and goes to shoot it again. Nothing. Phil compensates for the mayor's ineptitude by hollering "KABLAMMO!!!" and the tournament of bowling commences.
Ed and the mayor walk away from the throng of hungry bowling-shoe renters, and Ed thanks him for stopping by to help kick off the tournament. The mayor tells him to think nothing of it -- emceeing half-assed bowl-a-thons is one of his duties. Ed corrects him by reminding him that this bowl-a-thon is full assed.
The mayor asks for Ed's help in a legal matter. Ed's intrigued and is instructed to meet with the mayor in the mayor's office the following day. Phil sums up the entire two minutes of the show so far by ribbing Ed with, "I never thought I'd see the day when Ed Stevens was working for the man," marking Phil's lame line of the night extremely early on. The credits then roll, followed by commercials for many consumer-oriented products.
Back to the show. Carol is walking through the town square when Molly comes waddling up. Molly is now looking like Carnie Wilson after a three-week-mint-chocolate-chip-ice-cream binge. At first glance, my initial thought was, "How did they manage to get a wool jacket on that barn?" until I realized it was Molly. Molly asks Carol what's wrong...she looks so incredibly happy for a change. Carol gushes that she feels like a new woman now that she's dumped Nick. She feels like the last seven years of her life were frozen in time...like Walt Disney. She's figured out what she wants out of life now and has decided to go for it. Meanwhile, Molly is mentally polishing off a pizza.
Ed and Mike are strolling through town on Ed's journey to the mayor's office. Mike compliments Ed on his snappy fashions on this particular day and calls him "handsome." Being called handsome by his best friend causes Ed to bristle somewhat, and Mike pushes the envelope on the subject by asking why men can't tell each other they're handsome -- women do it all the time. Ed reluctantly agrees that it's okay to call each other "handsome." Mike asks Ed what he thinks is Mike's most handsome feature. Ed doesn't hesitate when he says, "Your forehead."
In the bowling alley, a man walks up to Phil's counter and asks if it's too late to take part in the tournament. Phil gives him a written test that the man has to complete in less than a minute in order to compete. The first question was such a complex, scientific question that it pained my skull even to try and comprehend it. The man then reads the question aloud: "Are Asian women really hot?" It's all a matter of personal opinion, but if I had my way, the Pittster would constantly have two Asian nineteen-year-old twins latched onto me like I was a prime piece of sushi for the rest of eternity.
While Mr. Mustachio takes the pop quiz, Phil senses something going on in the bowling alley. What is it? It's the future of American bowling, wrapped up in a young teenage boy, played by Samm Levine of Freaks and Geeks fame. Yep, the same kid that warbled Billy Joel's "Big Shot" a few episodes ago is back as a bowler. Phil runs over to the young man and says, "Well I'll be a beefsteak tomato...what's your name?" The kid replies, "Kevin Schwartz." Phil counters with, "Not anymore it's not. From now on you're Shazam...Jacobson."
Phil automatically latches on to the kid and announces himself as Shazam's new trainer...his sensai. Phil asks the kid why he's not in school. Shazam says he's on lunch break. That's when Phil lays down the rules. Rule #1: stay in school. Rule #2: stay off the pipe. At this point, Phil grabs the kid's arm and checks it for needle marks, asking Shazam if he's been "chasing the dragon." Shazam, along with several hundred thousand other viewers, has no idea what that means. Me? I laughed until I choked. The third rule dealt to Shazam was simple: never question the sensai.
While Phil is harassing teenage bowling phenomena, Ed gets to the mayor's office and is confronted by the mayor's secretary who has a voice like someone clawing their way out of a coffin with a rusted fork. The secretary tells Ed to walk on into the mayor's office. Ed opens the door and is confronted with a nude woman, which is pretty much par for the course in most mayor's offices nationwide. Ed spots the mayor at a canvas, painting the young woman. The mayor explains that he paints nudes to pass the time since being mayor of Stuckeyville ain't such a high-pressure gig. The Mayor wants to sue the publishers of the Guide to Small Town USA who have been giving Stuckeyville three-star ratings for the last several years. In the mayor's eyes, three stars equals "average." Plus, the guides keep referring to Stuckeyville as a "cute, quaint, totally unremarkable hamlet," which seems to irritate the Mayor. The Mayor's idea is simple...sue the publisher and keep the book out of the bookstores. Coincidentally, the book is scheduled for release three days before Election Day -- the first election in which somebody has the gonads to run against the mayor.
The mayor and Ed go for a stroll through downtown Stuckeyville. The mayor's wearing a monocle, which Ed comments that he's never seen on anyone short of Mr. Monopoly. I get the feeling the mayor wears the monocle to look and feel more important than he is. At least...that's the reason I wear mine around the house. The mayor points out the town's bookstore, which has been around since the 1920s. He says that his opponent would like to see a big, huge bookstore chain move into town along with the dreaded strip malls. The mayor says chain bookstores and strip malls can kiss his Stuckeyvillian ass. The Mayor asks Ed to come to the mayoral debate in the town square the following day and to bring a noisemaker. The mayor walks away, and Ed spots Carol.
Carol has bought a bag full of books from the bookstore, which Ed figures are porno magazines. As it turns out, they're travel books. Carol's thinking about leaving Stuckeyville...FOR GOOD!! Ed stares at her in disbelief as we segue into some commercials.
You know, if I were six years old, I'd piss my pants if my parents dragged me to The Grinch. Jim Carrey frightens the shit out of me now, and I'm thirty-six. If you go see the movie, and you hear someone whimpering like a dog with his nuts stuck in a vise grip, that'll be me cowering in fear.
Back to Ed and Carol. Ed insists that Carol's idea of leaving Stuckeyville is "crazy talk." Carol swears it's not. Carol has always wanted to be a writer but has always lived in Nick's shadow since he is such a well-respected author/high-school teacher. As Carol puts it, "It's like being Shakespeare's girlfriend." As I put it, "It's like being Trapper John M.D.'s assistant's girlfriend, girlfriend. Get over it." Carol's defense is that Stuckeyville is all she knows -- how can she be a writer if this is all she knows? Gee Carol, ask your ex-boyfriend Nick. He seems to have carved out quite a niche for himself in the literary world, all from the geographical hub of eccentricity, Stuckeyville. Sounds like a lame excuse to me, but I'm not Ed, I'm Brad F'n Pitt, the world's sexiest stud muffin.
The morning, Shazam Jacobson shows up at the bowling alley at 5 AM for his training with Phil. Once inside, Phil asks him what is the most important part of the body in bowling. Shazam answers, "The brain." This unnerves Phil, who says, "You were supposed to say 'The arm' and then I would correct you by saying 'No...the brain' and then you would go 'Ohhhh.' Let's try it again. What's the most important part of the body in bowling?" Shazam answers, "The arm?" Phil says "No...the brain." Shazam feigns amusement and says, "Ohhhh." Phil says, "You have wisdom, child." Shazam says, "Quit calling me 'child.'"
Later in the day, Mike, Nancy, and Ed show up at the mayoral debate. Mike is hung up on this whole "handsome" kick, asking Nancy whom she finds more handsome -- he or Ed? Nancy answers "Ed." Before Mike can start a public beat-down on Nancy in the town square, Ed offers up the weekly $10 bet. Ed bets Mike that he won't walk over to a man and call him "mommy." Mike takes him up on the bet and walks over to the man. The man happens to be a good friend of Mike's parents and talks Mike's ear off for a minute or so. Mike is visibly uncomfortable having to do it, but it's a $10 bet, and nobody turns down a $10 bet in Stuckeyville. Mike says, "It's been nice talking to you...mommy." The man says, "You just called me 'mommy.'" A humiliated Mike walks away. Ed and Nancy share a good laugh, and it's obvious Nancy wants a piece of Ed in a big way.
The debate begins. The mayor's opponent is Jim Ludwig, owner of Waterbed World. Mike admits to losing his virginity in Waterbed World since the back door was "always open."
I will repeat...Mike lost his virginity because the back door was "always open." Maybe I'm the perv here, but visions of Mike getting cornholed by an ex-con on a waterbed saturated my brain for several minutes after that comment.
Ludwig announces to the crowd that he wants Stuckeyville to have fast-food hamburgers, cappuccinos, and seven-day video rentals. The crowd cheers. The mayor then gets his rebuttal and asks the people not to let Ludwig turn Stuckeyville into a carbon copy of every other town in America. A man in the crowd hollers out, "What's wrong with America?" and then a "USA" chant starts up, sucking the entire crowd into it. The mayor slumps dejectedly at the podium.
After the debate, Ed tells the mayor that he will help him out by calling the publishing company and trying to halt the book's release by a few days. The mayor is grateful for Ed's caring ways and offers to take him over to Waterbed World where the back door's always open. Ed graciously declines the offer of getting humped like a wooden leg by the mayor.
Inside the bowling alley, Carol walks in and finds Ed. Ed has found a solution to Carol's problem. He has signed her up for a writer's weekend retreat an hour from Stuckeyville. It's obvious that this excursion isn't going to satiate Carol's desire to get the hell out of Dodge, but she agrees to it anyway because Ed went to the trouble of setting it up when she obviously never even considered such an act.
As they're talking, Judy Helman from the Guide to Small Town USA shows up. She was on her way to nearby Jasperville, which has always received three and a half stars in the Guide because it has a ferries wheel, which really gets the Mayor's goat. Ed makes a quick comment that the Jasperville Ferris wheel once killed a man, but it doesn't seem to score any points with Judy. Ed goes through a canned speech about how Stuckeyville is such a great town full of great and unique people. Just then, Phil slides into the office, a la Tom Cruise in his jockeys in Risky Business. "What are you doing?" Ed asks Phil. "I thought you were cueing me for my wacky entrance," Phil replies.
I'm telling you guys...Phil is the future of comedy.
Ed decides to take Judy on a tour of Stuckeyville to show her just what makes his little town so special. He offers to buy her a suzeechio, a local delicacy. They get to the suzeechio stand and are told that the guy who makes the suzeechios is in jail after driving his Camry through his ex-wife's living room window. So no suzeechios, but there're plenty of Hot Pockets, which people seem to love. Even though Ed doesn't say a word, we know the pain he feels in his heart when a local delicacy has been replaced by corporate America's insatiable need to infiltrate every single suzeechio stand in Stuckeyville. Yeah, sure, there's only one suzeechio stand in the town at the present time. But that's because the MAN'S been holding suzeechio's back.
We then go to commercials. Which makes me think...if suzeechio's ever hit the big time, I bet they could get Phil Collins to sing the jingle a la "Sussudio." "Su-su-zeechio." Man. I'm just spinning my wheels writing this crap. I need to be on Madison Avenue, baby, making some big time advertising bucks.
Back to the show. Carol is pulling up to Pine Forest Refuge. She sees a group of bookish, geeky-looking people sitting under a tree. It looks like a Mighty Big TV writer's gathering that I wasn't privy to. The instructor, Joel, welcomes her with a buncha New Age garbage about how "our ideas are our identity" and how there's "no such thing as time" at Pine Forest. He brings his point home by relieving Carol of her watch. Carol reluctantly hands it over and plops down under the tree with the rest of the writer wannabes. Joel asks Carol to tell the group about herself. Carol makes her usual awkward small talk (a MUST for any writer) and, as a joke, says she enjoys moonlit walks on the beach. Joel starts badgering her to describe the walks on the beach in detail while Carol sits there like an autistic child staring at him. She finally admits the beach line was a joke, and Joel switches subjects quickly. He asks for her input on one of Nick Stanton's great American novels. Carol stares at the hardback book that her ex-boyfriend wrote and says, "Can I have my watch back?" insinuating that this retreat isn't going to go as well as she had planned.
Back in Stuckeyville, Ed is grasping for straws trying to persuade Judy to grasp the fact that his hometown is worth more than three stars in her lame little book. He's decided to introduce her to the local barber, Mr. Wilkes, who used to have some amazing stories to tell Ed when he was younger. They walk into the barbershop, and introductions are made. Ed coaxes Mr. Wilkes to share one of those fascinating stories with Judy. Mr. Wilkes then tells a story about the time he and his friend went camping and a bear came up and started pawing at their tent while they were seated around a campfire. The big payoff to the story was Mr. Wilkes's impression of his friend saying, "George...we've got company."
There has never been a single bigger letdown in the history of storytelling unless you count my recap of last week's Ed.
Ed's as deflated as the Hindenburg. Judy is as impressed as Gary Coleman's last girlfriend. Mr. Wilkes is as clueless as Joey Buttafuoco.
Back at the bowling alley, Phil is training Shazam to become the bowling god that Phil knows he can be. He's telling his protégé to "become one with the ball." And with that, Phil starts doing somersaults down the alley and slams into the pins, just as Ed and Judy walk in as a last-ditch effort for Ed to show Judy something of worth in Stuckeyville. Judy's still not impressed, even as Phil does his sexy dance at the end of the alley in celebration of his full-bodied strike. We then get a few hundred words from the show's sponsors.
Ed walks into the mayor's office and asks to see the mayor. The secretary with a voice like a tree shredder says he first has to help her with her crossword puzzle. She needs a seven-letter word for "Tiny TV Tot." Ed blurts out "Webster." She's so impressed she promises to make him a key lime pie with extra broken glass. Ed opens the mayor's door, and a nude man is posing on the floor as the mayor paints him. The mayor excuses him, and Ed scrubs his retinas and walks in. The mayor is in a groove so he asks Ed to resume the naked guy's pose. Ed squats down like he's Hercules, and they begin talking. Ed admits he's having a hard time impressing Judy with Stuckeyville's appeal. Everything seemed so much more special in the town when he was growing up and now it doesn't. The mayor begins a lengthy speech about how he's an artist, but his paintings are crap. His canvas is the town of Stuckeyville. And he thinks it's a masterpiece. He announces that Ludwig is ahead in the latest Stuckeyville polls and tells Ed that the town needs him. This makes Ed feel like Batman, and he agrees to keep trying to think of a way to impress Judy.
As Ed leaves the mayor's office, he sees Judy packing up her car and getting ready to be underwhelmed by the town. Ed insists that she stay or else she'll miss it. Miss what? Ed, in his infinite wisdom, says that she'll miss the Festival of Ducks. This sounds about as appealing as a cable car ride in the Alpine Mountains to Judy, but she agrees to stay.
Back at the bowling alley, Shazam has had about enough of Phil's rigorous and fairly spotty training. It's time for the student to take on the master as Shazam challenges Phil with a bet that Phil can't even bowl. Phil acts offended and says of course he can bowl. Ed chimes in that he's never once seen Phil roll a ball. Phil takes this slap in the face as a challenge and goes to get his bowling ball...The Philinator. He takes his stance, becomes one with the ball, tosses it down the alley, and gets six pins. Shazam walks away in disgust while Phil chases after him explaining that those six pins were 60% of the pins in the alley, and had this been a presidential election, he would have won by a landslide.
Carol walks into the alley and announces to Ed that she's leaving. Ed says that's okay, she can leave if she wants -- just don't run away. Ed then explains that he ran away from New York for all the wrong reasons: he ran away from his problems. He encourages Carol to not do the same thing. Plus, he informs Carol, she cannot live without him. Carol scoffs at the remark, but you know deep down, she has a fever for the flavor of Ed.
That night, Ed calls his troops together to help him organize the Festival of Ducks. Everyone agrees to help him. The day, Phil's in the town square handing out flyers for the festival. He tells a little kid that Joe Pokemon, the guy that invented that Pokemon crap, will be there. He tells a priest just to substitute the word "ducks" on the flyer with the word "Jesus."
Molly and Carol are shown walking through the town. With all the walking Molly does, you'd think she'd be as slender as Carol but, sadly, that's not the case. Carol's babbling about how she has to leave when Molly loses it. Molly lambastes Carol for running away from Nick. Well, Nick is a jerk, his books suck, he thinks he's Ernest Hemmingway when he's not even Ernest Borgnine, he treated her like crap for seven years, and now she's running away. Carol, frightened that Molly might burst a blood vessel, seems to agree with her.
That evening at the Stuckey Bowl, the Festival of Ducks is taking place. For a festival that was one day in the making, there's a ton of duck crap to be found. Duck hats, plastic ducks, duck games...everything's ducky in Stuckeyville. On the main stage, Kevin Schwartz (aka Shazam) is announced as Stuckeyville's resident bowling champ. Kevin takes the stage, followed by Phil who grabs the trophy and hoists it in the air as if it were his own. Then the history of the Festival of Ducks is announced over the loudspeakers. It all started when Jack Stuckey, founder of Stuckeyville, fell into a pond and a family of ducks pushed him back to the shore and saved his life. At that point Ed, in a full-fledged duck suit, comes bounding onto the stage followed by several ducks. Ed announces, "Quack quack," followed by, "That's all I've got folks...beer's over there!!" And everyone celebrates, including Judy who has had her heart sufficiently warmed by the proceedings. Judy decides to give Stuckeyville four stars and asks Ed if all this was for her benefit. Ed says no, he did it for Stuckeyville.
The mayor presents Ed with his portrait. It's Ed's head on a naked muscleman's body. Ed's mortified but accepts the gift graciously. He informs the mayor that they'll be getting four stars in the Guide to Small Town USA. The mayor asks if it would kill Judy to give them five stars. She never answers.
At the end of the festival, Ed and his cronies are cleaning up the mess when Carol shows up with a slew of suzeechios that she had been hording in her freezer. Carol announces that she is postponing her travel plans but not because she can't live without Ed. "This is me resisting you," Carol says playfully. "You're just dying to climb in here with me, aren't you?" Ed says slyly, speaking of his chicken suit. Molly gets the last word as she says, "Keep this up and you'll be hanging in the window of a Chinese restaurant." The shot fades to black as we see an old man with a trail of ducks walking behind him.
It's never explained if the mayor wins his re-election or not, which kinda bummed the Pittster out. I'm hoping that he not only wins re-election but also finally gets a chance to visit someone's back door at Waterbed World.