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Three women have nothing in common and don't like each other. But then they make a wish and a demon or something shows up in town to buy a mansion, a newspaper, a restaurant, and a candle factory. And then they all get magic powers. Whee! Let's run down the primary characters:
Roxie. Blonde. Rebecca Romijn. Artist. Widow. Widely considered a slut. Has a daughter who almost gets raped. Power: can see the future when she sleeps.
Joanna. Dark hair. Starts out mousy, which means that her hair is in a bun and she wears glasses. Says inappropriate things in front of Will the photographer. Has a sassy friend named Penny, who is played by Sara Rue. Has magic hypno-eyes, which she uses to get a raise and a promotion.
Kat Gardner. Red hair. Has five kids and a lazy unemployed husband, who she's divorcing by the end of the show. Powers: Weather control and possibly healing hands.
Darryl Van Horne. Probably the devil. Or at least a demon. Played by Paul Gross, which will make fans of Due South very happy, especially the scene where he strips naked twenty minutes in.
That's about it. I understand there will be Martin Mull at some point. Let's hope the show lasts that long!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Eastwick is a homey, New England-y place with tourists in stocks and mock witch-burning. It reminds me a lot of Stars Hollow from Gilmore Girls, which is apparently because it's filmed on the same set. As we take in the homey New England atmosphere, a woman's voiceover asks us questions like "What if the gifted ones are still here among us?" In case you're interested, this is not from the book. It's just, you know, stuff. The gist is that women in Eastwick used to have magic powers. And maybe they still do! (Spoiler: yes, they do.)
And let's meet one of them now! Or anyway, her cleavage. This is "The Blonde One", although I'll just tell you now that her name is Roxie, and she snaps at someone for checking her out while he's supposed to be looking at the sculptures in her little stall. You know, if you don't want tourists staring at your boobs, you should either not wear something so low-cut or not have a stall devoted to selling things to tourists. Also, you should probably stop being Rebecca Romijn, because c'mon. Everyone's staring at those things. A young lady who is presumably her daughter sasses her about alienating the customers. And if you're a fan of hamfisted foreshadowing, you'll enjoy this conversation where the daughter (Mia) insists that her mother is not psychic, no matter how many dreams she's had that come true.
Then, as Roxie hides from a character named Homer Purley (whom she owes rent money for her store), a fifty-cent piece lands on the carpet to her. It's weird that it made a tinkling noise. Oh, and that it fell from nowhere. That's also weird. Mia's worried about becoming a hobo, and Roxie encourages her to be more daring and sneak out of the house.
Now a new character enters the scene, and the stall, by hopping over a shelf. He makes out with Roxie while she asks him to show some discretion, and Mia slinks off to some guy who's waving to her. There are a lot of characters being introduced here. Roxie's man assures her that no one is looking, talking about them, or even caring.
Naturally, we immediately cut to somebody doing all three. It's a guy in a dirty flannel shirt, carrying a beer. And he calls Roxie a cradle-robbing slut, although it's not like Rebecca Romijn looks all that old. The point is to establish this guy (Raymond) as a jerk so we can feel sorry for his wife, The Redheaded One (Kat). Actually, Raymond has two cans of beer in one hand, drinking from one and keeping the other ready in case of emergency. One of their five children starts running around shouting "Slut! Slut! Slut", which would be a pretty funny audio track to add to a dance mix. Kat has a lot of ripe tomatoes, which frustrates Raymond for some reason. Just then! One of the kids regurgitates a mysterious fifty-cent piece. The ponderous voiceover pokes us to make sure we've got the idea that maybe some women in this very town might have magic powers.
Hey! It's Sara Rue! Too bad she's just the sidekick (Penny) to The Brunette One (Joanna), who rapidly exposits that the two of them work at the newspaper and that she (Joanna) does not stick up for herself at work. Also, she's mousy, which you can tell by the way has glasses and wears her hair in a bun. Anyway, their boss Clyde is a creep who brushes against their breasts at work and Joanna has a crush on Will the Photographer. She even named her vibrator after him, which is obviously the sort of thing you say immediately before you realize he's right behind you. And there he is! Joanna starts stammering and trying to get out of this awkward situation, but she only makes it more awkward by claiming that it's named after Will Ferrell. Oh, now I'm supposed to picture her, her vibrator, and Will Ferrell. That's awesome. I'm really glad that's happening. Penny finally tells her to stop talking and they leave. Joanna asks why she can't be a completely different person. And just then, a fifty-cent piece flies out of the air and hits her. It's like there's someone standing offscreen getting impatient at all this exposition. I support the cause of throwing things at these people. Joanna agrees to come over to Penny's house that night and drink wine.
The voiceover continues and we learn it's being done as part of a children's story-time thing in the middle of the town square. It's being done by "Aunt Bun", played by Veronica Cartwright, who was in the movie The Witches of Eastwick. And it says here she was on Leave it to Beaver and gave Beaver Cleaver his first kiss! So that's something. Roxie waves to her and then moves on to the fountain.
Roxie stands looking at the fountain, while Joanna and Penny watch. Penny snipes at Roxie, calling her "the merry widow" and objecting to "her so-called art" being sold around children. Said art, incidentally, looked pretty much like fertility idols, so you need some imagination to make them obscene. Roxie prepares to make a wish with her magic fifty-cent piece. Penny doesn't want to participate because making wishes is a waste of time, and thankfully Joanna cuts her off before she gets too far into it. Joanna will also be making a wish. Banjo music starts, because I guess banjo music is magical now. Kat also comes up to the fountain with a couple of kids (one of which stops shouting "Ice cream!" long enough to point at Roxie and shout "Sluuuuut!") and finally the music swells and they make their wishes and throw the coins. They throw them pretty high, I guess, because we see the coins hit about fifty feet in the air. If the coins hadn't hit each other, they definitely would have flown completely over the fountain. And since they've got the CGI machines already going, why not show a million ants crawling up Aunt Bun's legs? What the? Anyway, our first real shot of Roxie, Joanna, and Penny all together is as they look over at the shrieking Bun.
Credits! Well, Title Screen, anyway!
Joanna and Roxie are in a depressing place that can only be a hospital waiting room. Roxie's there as Bun's friend, and Joanna is there as a reporter. Although she's just sitting there drinking coffee, not digging around to get the scoop. That's what reporters do, you know. I saw it in a movie from the 1940s. Joanna introduces herself to Roxie, and it turns out that Roxie has an excellent memory, because she tells a story about a time that Joanna and Penny came to Roxie's store and called her art pornographic. Well, Penny did. Kat turns out to be a nurse and comes out to report that Bun had a stroke and is in a coma. So naturally, Roxie invites these two virtual strangers over to her house to get drunk, and equally naturally, they accept.
In Roxie's incredibly spacious dining room, Kat gushes about the hummus. It transpires that Roxie has dropped out of culinary, dance, art, and bartending school. At least. That's a weird thing to be smug about. Also, she apparently became amazing at each of those things but still dropped out. Don't stay in school, kids!
The three of them talk about how they've never liked each other but bond instantly anyway because this is the pilot and we're in a hurry. We run down the quirks that stand in for everyone's personalities (flake, doormat, uptight), and Kat gets defensive about her loser husband, saying that it's not his fault he got laid off. "He was in charge of wicks!" He was a big wheel at the candle factory, eh? As they talk about what they wished for and realize they all wished for something to change, we see a dark-shrouded figure enter a lobby. Roxie specifies that she wished for someone dark and dangerous and exciting who brings sex and trouble in his wake. Also, she has specific requests regarding the dimensions of his junk. The three of them toast to their wishes coming true as dramatic music accompanies a black car on its way into town.
Roxie's store. Day. She's arranging her fertility idols on a very high shelf when a man enters behind her. She's startled ... and wakes up. It was all a dream! She covers her face with the Eastwick Gazette, which has a giant headline reading "ANT ATTACK AT PICNIC." The other story on the front page is "EASTWICK BOOK CLUB TO MEET BIWEEKLY." The subhead to that one is "Library happily sets aside conference room." Riveting stuff! Incidentally, the picture of Aunt Bun isn't so great. That photographer could do better.
Our scene moves to the offices of the Eastwick Gazette itself, where Joanna is drinking a giant coffee. Will the photographer tells her she should apply for a big political job that's opened up, but the conversation is derailed by her talking about how she threw up in the car on the way to work. Will is called away, allegedly to work on some layouts. Layouts? We just saw the front page. There aren't a lot of layout decisions being made at this place. Their design philosophy is "Just put it in columns and go to lunch", apparently. Joanna goes to Penny for sympathy (and to exposit about Will's environmental blog), but Penny's hurt that Joanna didn't show up for their drinking. And Penny is appalled that Joanna is hanging out with Kat and Roxie again. And eating pasta! Wait, is pasta still bad? I thought that was over.
Clyde the Boss (the guy who played Kenny Bania!) pushes past them, and they protect their breasts. Clyde preemptively shoots down Joanna's story idea, saying she's got her hands full with the horoscope and ways to avoid Lyme disease. Anyway, it's time for a Plot Point: some rich guy from New York has bought the Lennox Mansion. Joanna is appalled, because that land is owned by the people of the city, but her attempt to build a big corruption story out of the news is shot down by the revelation that he also bought the newspaper and is the new boss.
Roxie's store. Day. The same scene she dreamed about. The gentleman who enters is skinny and drawn and taciturn. And he has a ponytail, but I won't hold that against him. After she falls into his arms, He gives Roxie a note with her name on it, and the scene shows him leading her into a giant mansion. The taciturn butler (I hope he's mute, because I have a great Freakazoid quote for that situation) leads her to her meeting with Darryl Van Horn. Fans of Due South will be delighted to see Paul Gross, chewing up the scenery like he's a soap opera villain. Which I guess he is. He wants her to make a statue of himself for his foyer. He also wants to creepily feed her strawberries from England. He casually disrobes while explaining that she should have sex with him "so you get to know my body". He says that he's attracted to her even though she's bohemian and earthy. And "Older". She's not bohemian and earthy! She's Rebecca freakin' Romijn! Anyway, she's offended by the offer, even when there's $50,000 involved. As she explains her high principles, he smirks and gets naked. He quotes her wish from the night, which you'd think would be enough to tip her off, especially when he says "I'm just a humble patron of the arts. But! I am a demon between the sheets." He goes upstairs, and she looks conflicted.
Roxie's palatial kitchen. She's claiming that Darryl is both sexy and annoying when she cuts her thumb. Then she wakes up! These psychic visions don't seem all that helpful to me. She was apparently napping after some midday sex with her boytoy Chad. She kicks him out of the bed and gets ready for the other ladies. Chad wants to be Roxie's boyfriend, but she considers him appallingly young.
The three ladies are in the enormous kitchen. Roxie complains about Darryl's arrogance while some things fall apart. I think we're supposed to interpret this as a small, ramshackle dwelling that needs a lot of maintenance, but it's actually huge and awesome. Roxie emphasizes that she needs money, and also describes Darryl's penis as being the size of an SUV. Then she goes through the dream vision, but stops before cutting herself.
Mia (Roxie's daughter, remember?) is sneaking her boy out the front door, as he protests that they haven't gone far enough to require any sneaking. He wants to have sex with her. Back in the kitchen, there's more talk about tomatoes that never stop growing, and Roxie descends on Mia to demand all the dirty details. Mia thinks that's gross. And Roxie cuts herself, just like in the vision. Yes, yes. She's psychic. We know.
Out on a street corner (I'm trying to figure out where Luke's diner would be from this spot), Will and Joanna say hello. Then Will spills coffee all over her and gets a phone call from his mother, so he exits. Luckily, Darryl is lurking about in a three-piece pinstripe suit. He slides up to Joanna and claims to be a big fan of hers based on something she wrote about the rhubarb festival. "You read that?" "Some of it. It was boring as hell." Yeah, there's no point going too far here. He proposes himself as a good subject for an article. Well, he's no book club schedule, but I guess he'll do. He encourages her to dig into the corruption involved in him getting to buy the Lennox mansion. He thinks he's a fascinating subject. The show has certainly picked up since he came on screen. He schedules an interview for later.
Kat's lawn. The children are shooed into the house, and Kat walks over to the hammock. Raymond is ensconced therein, replete with beers and a car magazine. She nervously and gently asks if he could start looking for a new job, but he's not interested. He's basically a huge jerk. And he calls her "Woman", which is your sign of a classy upbringing. As she's shouting at him, she comes upon the phrase "What is it gonna take, does the friggin' Earth need to move for you to get out of that hammock?"
And then there is an exceedingly phony earthquake. The sound effects are all right, but the camera doesn't shake enough. Actually, a hammock is probably a pretty safe place in an earthquake. Anyway, he falls out and looks scared. When he wants to know how she did that, she denies all responsibility. That's just silly. I don't know a single person who wouldn't cheerfully and immediately take credit for that sort of thing. She runs off instead of doing the sensible thing, which would be to say "That's right, I cause earthquakes now. Now go get a job, hammock-lover!"
In the hospital, Kat is tending to Bun, who is still in a coma. Suddenly! Bun is awake and babbling about how this is all Kat's fault and that she can see the cone of power that surrounds the three women. Oh, and "He's been here before". Got it. Then she collapses again.
Eastwick Cafe. Joanna interviews Darryl, although he'd rather talk about her hair. He thinks she should take her hair out of the bun, and now she's stammering about how inappropriate this is. He promises not to hit on her unless she wants him to. Then he explains that her eyes are hypnotic and the seat of her power. "You have the power to make men do what you want." Okay. Hypno-eyes. Got it.
Back in the Gazette's office, Joanna psyches herself up outside of Clyde's office, then takes off her glasses, de-buns herself (I was just reading about "Hollywood Homely" on
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TV Tropes!) and goes in. He isn't playing along at first, but when she insists that he look her in the eye, she tells him to give her the promotion. And he does, in exactly the words she used. She looks unsure, but accepts it and walks out. Then she uses her hypno-powers to get someone to hand over the last powdered donut and establishes that the power doesn't work on Penny. Okay, let's move on!
In a fancy restaurant, Kat insists to Roxie that nothing weird is going on. Then Joanna enters in a skin-tight slinky dress, saying she feels different and powerful. Kat recaps the incident with Bun, and Darryl interrupts them, boasting of the restaurant he owns and offering to buy them dinner if he can eat with them. He's immediately distracted by Kat, because he hasn't actually met her yet. He praises her hands, which we are led to believe have healing properties. They're "nurturing and destructive". I see.
Darryl praises the three of them and has his possibly-mute butler enter with some water from the Lennox mansion's well. It has some dubious properties for well water. It can cure arthritis and also get people drunk. Kat insists that she doesn't believe in magic and hates all the rumors and myths in this town. Darryl leans into Roxie's personal space and offers sixty thousand for her to get her hands on his enormous lump of clay. Oh, and he wants to pose nude. She considers him a pig.
The women pile out of the restaurant, giggling and laughing. They rush over to the fountain, and start dancing in the water. That's all there is to do in this town. It's either the book club or reenact the Friends opening credits. But just then! Kat's asshole husband Raymond demands to know what she's doing. I can't tell if he's angry about having been left alone with the kids or he just hates people messing with the town fountain. He drags her away, angry that she's drunk in public (although she points out that he's drunk all the time). He tells her not to talk to "these people" ever again and points her to her children, who are posed in an artful tableau by the side of the road, waiting for her.
Mia and hey boyfriend (Gus) are by a lake. He pressures her for sex, and she tries to push him away. It starts raining as he pushes her against a wooden, um, thing. Rape is imminent, and then Roxie wakes up in Darryl's limo. She follows her instincts and insists that Darryl take her to the lake. The possibly-mute butler's name turns out to be "Fidel", and he takes them there.
They find Gus molesting Mia under a wooden bridge, and Darryl flings Gus away. "Touch her again, I'll kill ya." Roxie comforts Mia.
Kat's place. Raymond is furious, shouting at her with totally undeserved righteousness. She insists on being treated with respect, and he threatens to smack her. As he stomps out into the rain, she shouts at him and complains that all he does is drink beer. "You've got no fire! No spark! No electricity!" So naturally, a bolt of lightning hits him square in the chest.
Roxie thanks Darryl for his help. He offers to spend the night, and she turns him down in an amused kind of way. But as he turns to leave, she grabs him for a big kiss. Then she smacks him across the face. Then she kisses him. Then she smacks him again. I think she's sending mixed messages, but she manages to get him out the door without him following her up to bed.
Raymond's in a hospital bed. Kat starts to pour out her heart, but he feels that she did this to him. Good eye, Raymond! Kat wants a divorce, and Raymond is on board with that. But he wants the kids, so it's going to be war. Yes, war between the drunk ex-wick-manufacturer and the fulltime nurse. And I don't think "She hit me with lightning, your honor!" is going to go as far as he might hope.
Joanna's in Clyde's office. She makes him admit that it's not a tight squeeze, and that he only brushes against her because he likes boobs. Then she makes him give her a raise and all the money in his wallet. I think she's crossing a line here. And if she isn't, then when Will comes in and she makes him have a crush on her and kiss her, that just seems inappropriate. She breaks away, but it's kind of late.
Roxie's place. Chad has fixed her cabinet and made a roast chicken. He's trying to convince her that he's helpful for more than just bedroom duty. She kisses him, but we don't learn whether he'll be staying for dinner.
Darryl stops by the hospital to look fondly at Bun. Well, it's sort of fondly. Kat sees him and he offers up his lawyer for the divorce proceedings. He wants to take care of her.
Roxie is being threatened by a guy with a knife! No, it's a dream. Joanna assures her over the phone that surely this dream isn't a psychic vision. Then that same guy walks through the door! And Joanna is stopped by Penny, who has information about Darryl. Apparently he isn't who he says he is! Did anyone think he was?
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Well, there you go. I will bet you a million billion dollars that this show was pitched as "Desperate Housewives meets Charmed". So how come Darryl is the only part I actually enjoyed?
If Monty gets around to rewatching the movie version of The Witches of Eastwick, he will mention it on Monty on Movies. You can email Monty at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.
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