Episode Report Card Monty Ashley: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Like Charmed, But Older
By Monty Ashley | Season 1 | Episode 1 | Aired on 09.23.2009
The three of them talk about how they've never liked each other but bond instantly anyway because this is the pilot and we're in a hurry. We run down the quirks that stand in for everyone's personalities (flake, doormat, uptight), and Kat gets defensive about her loser husband, saying that it's not his fault he got laid off. "He was in charge of wicks!" He was a big wheel at the candle factory, eh? As they talk about what they wished for and realize they all wished for something to change, we see a dark-shrouded figure enter a lobby. Roxie specifies that she wished for someone dark and dangerous and exciting who brings sex and trouble in his wake. Also, she has specific requests regarding the dimensions of his junk. The three of them toast to their wishes coming true as dramatic music accompanies a black car on its way into town.
Roxie's store. Day. She's arranging her fertility idols on a very high shelf when a man enters behind her. She's startled ... and wakes up. It was all a dream! She covers her face with the Eastwick Gazette, which has a giant headline reading "ANT ATTACK AT PICNIC." The other story on the front page is "EASTWICK BOOK CLUB TO MEET BIWEEKLY." The subhead to that one is "Library happily sets aside conference room." Riveting stuff! Incidentally, the picture of Aunt Bun isn't so great. That photographer could do better.
Our scene moves to the offices of the Eastwick Gazette itself, where Joanna is drinking a giant coffee. Will the photographer tells her she should apply for a big political job that's opened up, but the conversation is derailed by her talking about how she threw up in the car on the way to work. Will is called away, allegedly to work on some layouts. Layouts? We just saw the front page. There aren't a lot of layout decisions being made at this place. Their design philosophy is "Just put it in columns and go to lunch", apparently. Joanna goes to Penny for sympathy (and to exposit about Will's environmental blog), but Penny's hurt that Joanna didn't show up for their drinking. And Penny is appalled that Joanna is hanging out with Kat and Roxie again. And eating pasta! Wait, is pasta still bad? I thought that was over.
Clyde the Boss (the guy who played Kenny Bania!) pushes past them, and they protect their breasts. Clyde preemptively shoots down Joanna's story idea, saying she's got her hands full with the horoscope and ways to avoid Lyme disease. Anyway, it's time for a Plot Point: some rich guy from New York has bought the Lennox Mansion. Joanna is appalled, because that land is owned by the people of the city, but her attempt to build a big corruption story out of the news is shot down by the revelation that he also bought the newspaper and is the new boss.
Roxie's store. Day. The same scene she dreamed about. The gentleman who enters is skinny and drawn and taciturn. And he has a ponytail, but I won't hold that against him. After she falls into his arms, He gives Roxie a note with her name on it, and the next scene shows him leading her into a giant mansion. The taciturn butler (I hope he's mute, because I have a great Freakazoid quote for that situation) leads her to her meeting with Darryl Van Horn. Fans of Due South will be delighted to see Paul Gross, chewing up the scenery like he's a soap opera villain. Which I guess he is. He wants her to make a statue of himself for his foyer. He also wants to creepily feed her strawberries from England. He casually disrobes while explaining that she should have sex with him "so you get to know my body". He says that he's attracted to her even though she's bohemian and earthy. And "Older". She's not bohemian and earthy! She's Rebecca freakin' Romijn! Anyway, she's offended by the offer, even when there's $50,000 involved. As she explains her high principles, he smirks and gets naked. He quotes her wish from the previous night, which you'd think would be enough to tip her off, especially when he says "I'm just a humble patron of the arts. But! I am a demon between the sheets." He goes upstairs, and she looks conflicted.
Roxie's palatial kitchen. She's claiming that Darryl is both sexy and annoying when she cuts her thumb. Then she wakes up! These psychic visions don't seem all that helpful to me. She was apparently napping after some midday sex with her boytoy Chad. She kicks him out of the bed and gets ready for the other ladies. Chad wants to be Roxie's boyfriend, but she considers him appallingly young.
The three ladies are in the enormous kitchen. Roxie complains about Darryl's arrogance while some things fall apart. I think we're supposed to interpret this as a small, ramshackle dwelling that needs a lot of maintenance, but it's actually huge and awesome. Roxie emphasizes that she needs money, and also describes Darryl's penis as being the size of an SUV. Then she goes through the dream vision, but stops before cutting herself.
Mia (Roxie's daughter, remember?) is sneaking her boy out the front door, as he protests that they haven't gone far enough to require any sneaking. He wants to have sex with her. Back in the kitchen, there's more talk about tomatoes that never stop growing, and Roxie descends on Mia to demand all the dirty details. Mia thinks that's gross. And Roxie cuts herself, just like in the vision. Yes, yes. She's psychic. We know.
Out on a street corner (I'm trying to figure out where Luke's diner would be from this spot), Will and Joanna say hello. Then Will spills coffee all over her and gets a phone call from his mother, so he exits. Luckily, Darryl is lurking about in a three-piece pinstripe suit. He slides up to Joanna and claims to be a big fan of hers based on something she wrote about the rhubarb festival. "You read that?" "Some of it. It was boring as hell." Yeah, there's no point going too far here. He proposes himself as a good subject for an article. Well, he's no book club schedule, but I guess he'll do. He encourages her to dig into the corruption involved in him getting to buy the Lennox mansion. He thinks he's a fascinating subject. The show has certainly picked up since he came on screen. He schedules an interview for later.
Kat's lawn. The children are shooed into the house, and Kat walks over to the hammock. Raymond is ensconced therein, replete with beers and a car magazine. She nervously and gently asks if he could start looking for a new job, but he's not interested. He's basically a huge jerk. And he calls her "Woman", which is your sign of a classy upbringing. As she's shouting at him, she comes upon the phrase "What is it gonna take, does the friggin' Earth need to move for you to get out of that hammock?"
And then there is an exceedingly phony earthquake. The sound effects are all right, but the camera doesn't shake enough. Actually, a hammock is probably a pretty safe place in an earthquake. Anyway, he falls out and looks scared. When he wants to know how she did that, she denies all responsibility. That's just silly. I don't know a single person who wouldn't cheerfully and immediately take credit for that sort of thing. She runs off instead of doing the sensible thing, which would be to say "That's right, I cause earthquakes now. Now go get a job, hammock-lover!"
In the hospital, Kat is tending to Bun, who is still in a coma. Suddenly! Bun is awake and babbling about how this is all Kat's fault and that she can see the cone of power that surrounds the three women. Oh, and "He's been here before". Got it. Then she collapses again.
Eastwick Cafe. Joanna interviews Darryl, although he'd rather talk about her hair. He thinks she should take her hair out of the bun, and now she's stammering about how inappropriate this is. He promises not to hit on her unless she wants him to. Then he explains that her eyes are hypnotic and the seat of her power. "You have the power to make men do what you want." Okay. Hypno-eyes. Got it.
Back in the Gazette's office, Joanna psyches herself up outside of Clyde's office, then takes off her glasses, de-buns herself (I was just reading about "Hollywood Homely" on