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Amy's timehead baby is born. She names her Melody Pond and promises her that her centuries-old father will come to rescue them. It sounds like she's describing the Doctor but she's talking about Rory, who had spent two thousand years protecting her as the Last Centurion. The Doctor asks him to reprise this role, complete with breastplate and sword, to trade on his fearsome reputation. The Doctor also calls in a lot of favors from all over time and space in order to mount a rescue party. Among the recruits are an awesome Silurian named Vastra and her sidekick Jenny, a lactating Sontaran who'd rather be killing people but is sentenced to healing them instead, and even those newly minted space pirates show up for a bit. Rory tries to recruit River Song, who normally springs to the Doctor's aid, but she tells him, with deep sadness, that she cannot join them until the end. It's all very mysterious.
They all head to Demon's Run, a space-based military base where Amy and the Pond spawn are being held by Madame Kovarian, formerly known as the eye-patch lady. Along with battalions of religious soldiers, some flaming-sword-wielding headless monks are defending the place. The Doctor just pops himself into the middle of all this, sneakily makes everyone disarm their weapons, and then takes over. He's really, really angry, though, so he doesn't just send everyone on their way, but also turns their general into a famous coward. Among the soldiers is a young woman named Lorna, who once met the Doctor when she was a child and only joined the army in the hopes of meeting him again. She makes Amy a bit of embroidery bearing Melody Pond's name in Lorna's native language.
Rory rescues Melody from Kovarian and everything seems to be going rather well for the Doctor. A little too well, in fact. The headless monks spring a surprise attack, killing many of the Doctor's team, including Lorna. Once Kovarian is safely far away from the Doctor, she reveals that the baby she gave Rory isn't real. Little Melody dissolves into inanimate flesh, like the gangers did last week. Melody is part Amy and Rory, but she's also part Time Lord, thanks to Amy's exposure to the TARDIS or some such. Kovarian wants to use her as a weapon against the Doctor. Only then does River show up. At first the Doctor is furious with her, but she explains the outcome of this battle couldn't have been changed. She also warns him against continuing on this way, striking fear into the hearts of his enemies and whatnot. In this future, the word "doctor" has come to mean "warrior," thanks to him. She also reveals her true identity, with a little translation help from the TARDIS. There, on Melody's embroidery, is the translated name... of River Song.
The Doctor is ecstatic and tickled and strikes off with renewed purpose to rescue Melody, leaving Rory and Amy behind on Demon's Run. Stay tuned for the full recap.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!When last we saw Amy, she was about to give birth in some mysterious white tube while an eye-patch-wearing lady exhorted her to puuuussshh. Sadly, we do not get to see the infant Pond rocketing down through the tube like a fleshy pink pinball, for when we join the show again she has already been born. She is stashed away in an asteroid that has been turned into a creepy and massive military base. It is Demon's Run, because if you're going to build a creepy and massive military base, what are you going to call it? Amy, looking a bit tired and disheveled, but otherwise quite lovely, has a few moments with her daughter in a sterile white nursery. "I wish I could tell you that you'll be loved, that you'll be safe and cared for," Amy tells her. "But this isn't the time for lies." The ID on the side of the baby's bed says her name is Melody Pond. Not that there are so many babies there that they need to identify them, because she is the only one. Amy cradles Melody and tells her to be brave. The eye-patch lady waits on the edges of the nursery, flanked by armed men in military uniforms. Behind them stand monks in dark robes with hoods pulled down to obscure their identities. "Two minutes," Patch says. That she's allowing Amy any time with her baby at all is a bit odd, but it gives Amy a chance to make her inspirational speech.
She goes on to tell Melody that "they" will have to be braver, and she looks at Patch and her guards as she says this. "Because there's someone coming," she says. "I don't know where he is, or what he's doing, but trust me, he's on his way." Twenty thousand light years away, Cybermen march ploddingly through their ship. A man's hand appears out of the shadows to sonic a panel near a door. A blast rocks the ship. The Cybermen monotone that there's an intruder. In the nursery, Amy says, "There's a man who's never gonna let us down. Not even an army can get in the way." Patch takes Melody from her arms. Amy cries and pleads with her to no avail. One of the soldiers in the nursery is a young woman. She looks to be on the verge of tears.
Meanwhile, the intruder is making his way toward the Cybermen. They try to seal off each level before he can breach it, but it's useless. He gets through each one as the ship continues to shake with explosions.
Melody is placed in a futuristic contraption that looks part bassinet, part shuttlecock. "He's the last of his kind," Amy says over her baby. "He looks young but he's lived for hundreds and hundreds of years. Wherever they take you, Melody, no matter how scared you are, I promise you you will never be alone." She kisses Melody's forehead and says, "Because this man is your father."
On the cybership, the Cybermen prepare to battle the intruder who we're clearly meant to think is the Doctor. Amy's voice goes on: "He has a name, but the people of our world know him better as the Last Centurion." Rory strides through the cyberships' doors, wearing his Roman outfit, looking sort of badass. "I have a message and a question," he says to the room of armed Cybermen. "A message from the Doctor, and a question from me." The Cybermen don't shoot him dead. "Where... is... my... wife?" asks the Last Centurion. Even his hair looks better than usual. Being pissed off is kind of working for him. The Cybermen stare, as is their wont. "Oh, don't give me those blank looks," snarks Rory.
Rory strides -- he strides rather than walks when he is the Last Centurion - over to a window, beyond which massive ships assemble. He knows the Cyberlegion monitors this quadrant, he says. He gives them a chance to tell him what they know. "What is the Doctor's message?" asks a Cyberman. Behind Rory, the ships explode in fiery death. He doesn't turn to look at the explosion, which is another sign of his badassery. "Would you like me to repeat the question?" he asks.
Which brings us to Amy's silly BBC America intro. "We've been running ever since," she says. Except for the time she spent pregnant in a tube.
Demon's Run. The base is bustling with activity. Some of the soldiers gossip about the Cyberlegion's recent destruction. "He blew them all up, just to make a point!" says a fat soldier. "We're being paid to fight him, not praise him," says a thin one. They get into an elevator together. The Fat One is still giddily recounting tales of the Doctor's feats when they step off the elevator again. The young female soldier from earlier is sitting nearby, sewing a patch of fabric. She hears their exchange and smiles a little secret smile.
Up in a comm room, two other soldiers are trying to hone their skills when it comes to telling psychic paper from the real deal. They aren't really having much luck.
Down on the hangar floor, the soldiers mill about. A voice over the PA reminds them not to "interact with the headless monks without divine permission." Two said monks walk by the thin and fat guys while they work. The Thin One gawks a bit and the Fat One reminds him he's not supposed to stare. If you even try to look under their hoods, they'll kill you. When the Thin One wonders why they're called the headless monks, the young seamstress goes over to explain: "They believe the domain of faith is the heart and the domain of doubt is the head. They follow their hearts, that's all." The head is also the domain of thinking and chewing and drooling in one's sleep. It's a lot to give up. They recognize her as Lorna Bucket (not pronounced "bouquet") and introduce themselves. "I'm the Thin One. This is my husband, he's the Fat One." Honestly, he's just a bit stocky and not really fat. "Don't you have names?" Lorna asks. "We're the thin, fat, gay, married Anglican marines," the Fat One says. "Why would we need names, as well?" At this point, three monks show up to take the Fat One to his "conversion seminar." He makes a joke about hoping they don't have Lent, because he doesn't like giving things up. Hey, buddy, the sound you just heard is the universe laughing at you.
The Thin One is left to chat with Lorna. He looks her over and surmises she's had an encounter with the Doctor. He can't help but want to know more about him. She says the Doctor told her to run... a lot. The Thin One knows she's from the Gamma Forest and wonders what she's doing here. "The forests are Heaven-neutral," he says. She looks wistful. "Yeah, and 30 seconds of the Doctor is the only thing that ever happened there," she says. It's a blessing and a curse to be so interesting that you change people's lives in half a minute. It's a blessing and a curse for the people, too.
The Headless Monks lead the Fat One to a temple sort of area. It's dark with red lights. "Oh, I like this," jokes the Fat One, because fat people are jolly. "I mean, quite a lot of red! Hope it's not to hide the stains!" He laughs at his own joke. A monk goes to a shelf of melon-sized boxes and selects one. "Welcome, Applicant, to the order of the Headless," says a computer voice. It explains that it's traditional for "visiting armies of other faiths" to offer someone for conversion to the order. The Fat One starts to look nervous. "Are you ready to make a donation?" asks the voice. A monk holds the empty box before him. There's a round cavity inside just right for holding a noggin. And you thought Jim and Tammy Faye were asking for a lot back in the day.
Meanwhile, the Thin One and Lorna are still chatting. He wonders where the Doctor is, anyway. Lorna reminds him he could be anywhere in time in space.
In fact, he's in London in 1888. A horse-drawn carriage makes its way through gas-lit foggy streets. The driver pulls to a stop and a woman in a hooded cloak steps out. She thanks him and sends him on his way. She steps into her comfortably appointed home and is greeted by her young maid. "You're back early, ma'am. Another case cracked, I assume?" The hooded lady instructs her maid to send a telegram to the Yard. "Jack the Ripper has claimed his last victim," she says, placing a sheathed sword onto a rack with several other swords. "How did you find him?" the maid asks, astonished. "Stringy," comes the reply, "but tasty all the same." She lowers her hood, revealing herself as a Silurian. Her name is Vastra -- although no one says it for a long while -- and she smiles a gorgeous reptilian smile. The maid smiles back at her mistress and offers her congratulations. Somewhat apologetically, she tells her lizard lady that something has just appeared in the drawing room. They venture in to find the TARDIS waiting. Vastra says she has an old debt to repay. "Pack the cases, Jenny," she says, "and we're going to need the swords." Jenny looks genuinely pleased to hear this. Road trip!
I would watch a spinoff about the Crime-Frighting Victorian Lady Lizard and her Faithful Maid. I would watch the hell out of it. You hear me, Steven Moffat? It would be gold.
stop: a decimated battlefield in the Battle of Zaruthstra, 4037. Not to be confused with the Battle of Zarathustra, which had cooler music. Except for the laser guns, everything looks like it's from the 1700s. A man in a woolen coat, knee breeches and boots dodges laser fire and ducks into a tent. "Damn it! Where's the nurse?" he shouts. "He needs help," a woman says, indicating a little boy lying in a cot. "Madame President, I'm sorry but we have to go now," the man says. "Those things could be here any second now." Right on cue, a Sontaran in blue armor marches into the tent. He removes his mask, revealing the fearsome visage of his neckless potato head. Then, in a very prim and polite voice, he asks, "Did someone call for a nurse?"
The Sontaran uses a glowing wand to scan the boy. "Will I be OK?" the boy asks. "Of course you will, my boy, you'll be up and around in no time!" says the nurse. "And perhaps you and I shall meet on the field of battle and I shall destroy you for the glory of the Sontaran empire!" He's so cheerful. Nobody seems especially disturbed at the prospect of someday dying at his hands. Maybe they don't believe him. The man in knee breeches follows the Sontaran out of the tent, calling him Commander Strax. He's never heard of a Sontaran nurse before. Strax explains that it's part of a penance he's serving, to "restore the honor of [his] clone batch." Helping the sick and the weak is the worst punishment he can possibly endure. Just as the human asks who came up with such a punishment, the TARDIS materializes. Strax thinks this means his penance may soon be over. He promises the man to someday kill him in battle, they exchange respectful half-bows and off Strax goes.
Stormcage. River Song comes waltzing down the corridor, the skirt and bustle of her taffeta dress swaying like a bell to unheard music. Alarms sound. She picks up a nearby phone. "Oh, turn it off," she says, all smiles. "I'm breaking in not out!" Then, just in case there were any doubt as to her identity, she adds: "This is River Song, back in her cell." Why do these people even bother trying to lock her up? She informs the poor schmoe on the other end that she'd like her breakfast at the usual time and then continues her waltz down the hall.
Within a few steps, she sees the silhouette of a man wearing a cape. "Oh, are you boys dressing up as Romans now?" she asks archly. "I thought nobody read my memos." Considering the revelation at the end of the episode, it's a good thing the flirtation ends there. Rory steps out of the shadows and introduces himself, not sure if they've met yet in this time stream. She pales. Yes, they've met. She walks up to him, looks a bit starstruck, and breathes, "Hello, Rory." He stares back at her, puzzled. After a bit, he asks her what's wrong. She tells him it's her birthday. She says the Doctor took her ice-skating on the Thames in 1814, (If any time-travelers are considering taking me somewhere special for my birthday, please make it a time and place I don't have to wear a corset. Thanks.) She giddily tells him that the Doctor got Stevie Wonder to sing for her under London Bridge, unbeknownst to Stevie. You know, the guy's blind, not dumb. Pretty sure he would've noticed something was up.
Rory tells her he's come from the Doctor, too. River says it's a Doctor from a different time. Rory: "Unless there are two of them." River, suggestively: "Now, that's a whole different birthday." Later, after he's learned the truth and when everything is quiet and he is trying to sleep, Rory will think back on this conversation and the notion of River having a threesome with two Doctors will come all unbidden into his thoughts. And he will likely never sleep again. She consults her blue TARDIS journal as she heads to her cell. Rory tells her that the Doctor needs her, but she already knows about Demon's Run. Rory's puzzled, but she reminds him she's from the Doctor's future. Also, she's just awesome. She suddenly remembers this guy's dressed up like a Roman and asks him about it. Shouldn't she already know? Maybe her Doctor didn't mention sartorial details. Rory explains it was the Doctor's idea. The Doctor likes playing dress-up with him. River cites one of the Doctor's rules of engagement: "Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee." Pretty sure that was Muhammad Ali's rule, unless he got it from the Doctor. It doesn't even really make sense in this context, does it? Look like a bee, sting like a damned bee, too. She tries to keep joking around with him but he blurts out that Amy and their baby have been taken. River looks immeasurably sad, but also completely unsurprised. Rory tells her the Doctor's getting people together to rescue Amy and needs her help too. She declines the invitation, even though it obviously pains her. Rory is dumbfounded. She explains: "This is the battle of Demon's Run - the Doctor's darkest hour. He'll rise higher than ever before and fall so much further." History is painful enough when it's a memory, but knowing it's yet to come must be unbearable. "I can't be with him till the very end," she says. Rory is still confused. As she steps back into her cell, she says, "This is the day he finds out who I am."
In a deserted nightclub in some unknown corner of the galaxy, a bald, blue-skinned fellow is rushing about as fast as his considerable girth will allow. He is a Blue Man Group unto himself. He pauses, gives the place a sad look and sighs, "Goodbye." He gets to packing a small case, but a voice behind him speaks. "You appear to be closing down, Dorium." It's the eye-patch lady and she's brought men in military uniform. They have a sit-down. "What have you heard?" she asks. "That you've pricked the side of a mighty beast, Madame Kovarian, and entirely failed to run." He admires her courage (not really) but would prefer to admire it from afar. Madame Kovarian says it's been a month and the Doctor hasn't made a move. A month is really nothing to a Time Lord, don't you think? Dorium tells Madame Kovarian what we've already seen, that the Doctor is most likely (definitely) calling in old debts from all over the galaxy. "You think he's raising an army?" one of the military guys asks. "You think he's not?" asks Dorium as a reply. He tells "Colonel Manton" that all the stories about the Doctor aren't just stories - they're true. (Keep that in mind when you can't sleep later, Rory.) Dorium counts through a pouch of gems as he talks. Manton and Kovarian get up to go, discounting Big Blue's warnings, but he stops them by mentioning Demon's Run. "How do you know the location of our base?" Manton asks. It's the big asteroid with a base sticking out of it and a bunch of military ships flying in and out of it. Duh. Dorium explains the Headless Monks are old customers of his. No-lips sink ships. Dorium tells them Demon's Run got its name from a very old saying: "Demons run when a good man goes to war." Presumably they run away from the good man, and not toward him. Kovarian gives him half a glare and storms out of the club with Manton and the other men in tow. Dorium chuckles to himself. Later, as he heads out of the club, he hears the TARDIS materializing. "No, no, not me, please!" he pleads. "You don't need me! Why would you need me? I'm old, I'm fat, I'm blue!" Well, then, you'll be excellent for drawing enemy fire. Ever heard of a human shield? Or whatever species you are.
Demon's Run. Colonel Manton has gathered the troops. He stands on a dais with the Headless Monks behind him. "He is not the devil," Manton intones. "He is not a god. He's not a goblin or a phantom or a trickster." Well, he's a little bit of a trickster. Madame Kovarian stands at the back of the assembly, flanked by armed guards. Manton says the Doctor is just a living, breathing man. He promises to fix that. The troops raise their fists and cheer.
Amy watches from the nursery window. Lorna comes in, apologizing for being there. She should be with the troops, she says. "I brought you something," she says, holding out the bit of cloth she was sewing earlier. It's bronze and looks like a many-sided star with little beads dangling from each point. Amy glares at her and says nothing. "Your child's name," Lorna goes on, "in the language of my people." She calls it a "prayer leaf" and says if Amy keeps it, her child will always come home to her. Amy gives her a mild look. "Can I borrow your gun?" she asks. She promises to shoot Lorna if she keeps talking. Lorna looks crestfallen. Amy turns back to look out the window at the gathering below. She says they're acting like the Doctor's famous. Lorna, smiling, says he's a dark legend, which makes Amy scoff. "Have you met him?" she asks. Lorna tells Amy she met him once as a little girl. That's something she has in common. The difference is that he came back for Amy. "You must be very special," Lorna tells her without jealousy. Amy tells Lorna that the Doctor's worth waiting for. He's coming back, she says, and tells Lorna to be on the right side when he does. Amy holds out her hand and accepts the prayer leaf. She thanks Lorna, who leaves before she can start crying.
Manton is still riling up the troops. "On this day, in this place, the Doctor! Will! Fall!" Everyone cheers. "The man who talks, the man who reasons, the man who lies will meet the perfect answer." More cheers go up. You know, if you look at it from their perspective, you can see why the Doctor seems like such a threat. It's just that all these people are being such dicks about it that it's kind of hard to sympathize with them. Lorna joins the gathering. Now comes the time when Manton introduces everyone to the Headless Monks and how they got that name. The Thin One glances over toward the shadows at a hooded man with a stocky build. Manton says it's time to show them what the Monks have sacrificed for faith, himself sacrificing a bit of drama by calling them "these guys." Three Monks step forward. "As you know, it is a Level 1 heresy, punishable by death, to lower the hood of a Headless Monk." The soldiers steel themselves, standing just a bit taller. Manton goes on: "But by the Divine Grant of the Papal Mainframe herself, on this one and only occasion, I can show you the truth." All right, we have got to lay eyes on this femputer at some point.
Manton keeps calling the Monks "these guys" like he's at a football pep rally or something. "These guys never can be persuaded," he says, and lowers the first hood. Where there should be a head is just a little stump where the neck skin has been tied off like a sausage casing. The Thin One's eyes start tearing up as he realizes what this must mean for his husband. "They can never be afraid," Manton says, lowering the second Monk's hood. The soldiers are scared shitless. It doesn't seem like an especially good idea to show everyone they're allied with seemingly magical freaks. For one thing, it's just creepy. For another, if you're trying to convince everyone that the Doctor is just a man, why show everyone you need "these guys" to help you out? If he's just a man, you shoot him or show his underpants on the Internet or bring him down in some other mundane way. Only when fighting gods and devils and tricksters do you need an alliance with something like the Headless Monks. Manton approaches the third Monk, saying, "And they can never, ever be -- " "Surprised!" the Doctor finishes for him, lowering his own hood. He's all smiles.
Amy comes to life at the window. The soldiers look even more scared of the Doctor than they did of the Headless Monks. "Please, point a gun at me if it helps you relax," the Doctor says, generous to a fault. The soldiers think this is a fine suggestion and everyone but Lorna aims guns at him. The Monks whip out swords that crackle with red streaks of lightning.
In the comm room, Vastra and her trusty maid whip out their own swords and hold the two soldiers at bay. "Go on, resist," invites Vastra. "I'm ever so hungry." Jack the Ripper just doesn't stick to the ribs. Jenny to one of the soldiers: "Now, dear, which button controls the lights?" If these two don't get a spin-off or at least show up for more episodes, I will be ever so angry. These two facing down the Papal Mainframe! It has to happen.
Meanwhile, Manton is trying to regain control of the situation down on the hangar floor. "Doctor, you will come with me right now," he says, gun trained on the Doctor. The Doctor just smiles down the barrel of the gun, says "three minutes and forty seconds" and then shouts for Amelia Pond. The lights go out. When they come back up a few moments later, the Doctor has vanished. "I'm not a phantom," his voice says. "I'm not a trickster." Everyone looks around, freaking out, pointing their guns aimlessly. "I'm a monk," says the Doctor. Manton demands the Doctor show himself because he's either very optimistic or fairly dumb. "It's him!" shouts the Thin One. Someone shoots and a Monk goes down. Manton shouts for order, but it's useless. A Monk raises his hand and blasts a soldier with red lighting. Manton wails. His pep rally is ruined! A fight between the Monks and the soldiers breaks out. Kovarian and her guards get out while the getting's good.
In the control room, Jenny watches the festivities via monitor. "Clever, isn't he?" she asks. "And rather attractive," says her mistress. "You do realize he's a man, don't you, ma'am?" Jenny asks. Her mistress scoffs that all mammals look alike to her. (Except when she notices one is particularly attractive, I guess.) Jenny is a bit hurt and indignant, what with being a mammal herself. Vastra apologizes for being insensitive. "I don't know why you put up with me," she coos. Without missing a beat, she darts her tongue like a bullwhip and lashes one of their captive soldiers as he tries to escape. He slumps to the floor. Jenny gives her mistress a long, appreciative look. Well, that's one reason she puts up with her... one reason that becomes multiple, powerful reasons.
Out on the floor, Lorna notices that the Doctor -- still in his Monk guise -- is using his sonic screwdriver on a locked door. She glances around to see if anyone has seen him, but everyone else seems busy trying to kill or be killed. When the Doctor gets through the door, Lorna slips away from the group and follows him. In a show of good faith to the Monks, Manton lays down his weapon and instructs the troops to do likewise. "The Doctor is trying to make fools of us," he says. "We are soldiers of God; we are not fools." One by one, the soldiers drop their guns, joining in the chant. "We are not fools... we are not fools." Eventually, the Monks lower their swords.
As soon as everyone is disarmed, an entire legion of Silurian warriors begins to materialize. The human soldiers are surrounded. Some of those rhino-headed men appear, too. Manton sighs the sigh of the screwed. Suddenly Commander Strax is standing there, wielding a gun nearly as big as his diminutive frame. "This space is now under our command," he says. Manton says there's a fleet outside. A distress call will go out to them if Demon's Run falls. The Doctor promises to take care of that by taking out their communications. "Give 'em hell, Danny Boy!" he says into a CB mic. Danny Boy and his planes strafe the fleet and base. The Doctor whooshes around like an airplane and makes machine gun noises with his mouth, because he's a kid. The base shakes with explosions. It seems unwise to hit the base, what with Amy and the baby inside, but whatever. "I need to get off this station now," Madame Kovarian says in mid-escape. "Bring me the child!" "Target destroyed," reports Danny Boy. The Doctor pumps his fist in victory, even though countless human lives must have been lost. Amy cheers from the nursery window. Manton pouts. "Don't slump," nurse Strax says. "It's bad for your spine."
Kovarian makes her way to an escape shuttle. Her guards carry the shuttlecock bassinet between them. She tells them to rejoin the others. "Remember, the Doctor must think he's winning right until the trap closes." Lorna, hiding in the shadows, hears them and scampers away. Before Kovarian can board her shuttle, Rory shows up to hold her at sword point. "No," is all he says. It's... kinda sexy. Kovarian scoffs. She says she has a crew of twenty. How is he going to gain control of her ship? A door slides back, revealing a bound soldier, pirate Captain Henry and son Moppet. "The ship is ours, milady," says Henry.
Strax marches Manton up to the comm room. A triumphant Doctor apologizes for being two seconds off from his original promise of three-minutes-forty. Strax tells Manton to give the troops the order to withdraw, but the Doctor has other ideas. "I want you to tell your men to run away," he says, complete with little shooing hand gestures. "I want you to be famous for those exact words." He goes from being gleeful and childlike to pretty damned scary pretty damned quickly. He's just sitting there at the control panel, looking very polite, but the look in his eyes would make a grown man pee himself. "I want people to call you Colonel Run-Away," he says. He gets angrier and angrier as he talks. He says he wants children to laugh at him. He propels himself out of his seat and advances on Manton, jabbing a finger at him and railing at him at what a very bad idea it is to try to get to him through the people he loves. He hears himself saying it, hears the timbre of his voice as if for the first time. "Oh, look, I'm angry; that's new." His mouth makes a series of unfamiliar shapes, like it can't decide whether to smile or scowl. "I'm not really sure what's going to happen now," the Doctor says.
Kovarian appears with two Silurian warriors behind her. "The anger of a good man is not a problem," she says. "They have too many rules." The Doctor turns to look at her, very slowly. "Good men don't need rules," he says. "Today's not the day to find out why I have so many." He advances on her and stares her down. She swallows hard. I remember the most disconcerting day in Sunday School was the day I learned about the Ten Commandments. I didn't feel relieved to discover we live in a society of rules, but disturbed that we needed them. How good could people really be if they needed to be reminded not to go around murdering others? The Doctor fixes Kovarian with an intense stare. She swallows and says, "Give the order." The Doctor looks stunned. Momentarily, his look of shock is replaced by one of pride. Of course she bowed to his will. "Give the order, Colonel Run-Away," she says again.
In the nursery, Amy hears banging on the door and scrambles for a weapon of some kind. "I am armed and dangerous and really cross," she says, wielding something that looks like an electric toothbrush. Rory's voice comes from the other side, along with the whirring of the sonic screwdriver. Amy tearfully tells him their baby's been taken. Rory comes through the door, holding their little pink larva in his arms. "Now, Mrs. Williams, that is never, ever going to happen." Amy's too stunned for a few moments to move or even react, but then snaps out of it and checks Melody over. Rory starts crying. "I was going to be cool," he says, all sobbing. Amy laughs and gives him a bunch of kisses. The Doctor walks in on this scene with an "eww." He tries to beat a hasty retreat from all the icky kissing and crying, but Rory tells him to come back. The Doctor coos over the baby and shakes her tiny hand. "Melody," Amy introduces. "Hello, Melody Pond," the Doctor says. Rory tries to assert the Williams surname to no avail. The Doctor listens to the baby's babbling and responds, "Well, yes, I suppose she does smell nice. Never even really sniffed her. Suppose I should give it a go!" With that, he gives Amy a big hug and takes a long sniff at her ear. The Doctor reveals that he speaks Baby and that Melody thinks of her mother as Big Milk Thing. Wonderful being a mammal, isn't it? The reunion is interrupted when the awesome Silurian comes in to announce that the troops are leaving. "Demon's Run is ours without a drop of blood spilled," she says. "My friend, you have never risen higher." At hearing those words, Rory looks up, suddenly afraid.
On the hangar floor, the Doctor's army appears to be getting ready to leave. Melody fusses at the TARDIS's whooshy noises. Amy's practically carrying her on her shoulder like a boom box. Seems a little high for a baby, but I don't know babies. Jenny and Strax join them and say Avery and his men have returned to their proper time. Jenny notices the baby crying. "Give her to me, you fools, she needs changing!" says Strax. "I just changed her," Amy says. She thinks the baby's just hungry. Strax says he can produce "magnificent quantities of lactic fluid" for the baby, punctuating this statement by grabbing his chest. The Doctor comes out of the TARDIS with a wooden rocking cradle, inscribed with alien symbols. A glowing mobile dangles over the top. Amy notes that it looks really old. "Doctor, do you have children?" Amy asks. "No," he says without looking at her. He busies himself with getting Melody situated in the cradle. "Have you ever had children?" Amy asks. Instead of answering, he talks to the baby about his hair, which she apparently finds quite remarkable. Amy asks who the cradle belonged to, but the Doctor is saved from answering when Vastra calls him up to the comm room.
The Doctor turns to go, saying they can't leave until he figures out what the base is for. Amy says this is where they've been holding her. He hugs her again (with the Last Centurion's permission) and says she was on the TARDIS in spirit. When she saw Kovarian's face, it was reality bleeding through. The Doctor thinks they took her just before they went to America. He's still hugging her. Rory goes over to separate them, the little party pooper, and wonders how they could have been projecting a "control signal" into the TARDIS this whole time. "They're very clever," the Doctor says. You know what's not clever? All this standing around and just talking. I feel like I'm recapping Smallville again. Amy and Rory wonder why someone would want their baby. "Is there anything you're not telling us?" Rory asks the Doctor. "You knew Amy was real [and] you never said." The Doctor gives them an odd smile. "I couldn't be sure they weren't listening." Amy begs him to tell them something, anything. This is, after all, their baby. "It's mine," the Doctor says. Rory looks like he's going to poop himself. The Doctor clarifies that he was talking about the cradle and finally goes off to the comm room. At this point, Strax marches in with Lorna at gunpoint, saying he found "it" listening at the door.
The Doctor goes up to the comm room to talk with the Silurian. Dorium is at the control panel. Vastra gently chides the Doctor for his display of anger earlier. She reminds him that he once told her that "anger is the shortest distance to a mistake" when he first found her, trying to avenge the death of her sisters on innocent men. Then she gets to the real reason she called him: "Is Melody human?" "Of course she is!" the Doctor says with just a little too much surprise. "She's completely human! What are you talking about?" Dorium pulls up scans of Melody's DNA. She's human, with a little Time Lord mixed in. The Doctor gapes at the computer screens.
Meanwhile, Lorna is protesting her innocence. She says she heard Madame Kovarian talking about a trap. They're distrustful of her. She insists she only joined the army to meet the Doctor. "How else do you meet a great warrior?" Amy stares. "He's not a warrior," she says. "Then why's he called the Doctor?" Lorna asks like it makes perfect sense. Before anyone can answer her, the lights start going off.
The Doctor is insisting that Melody is human. "She's Amy and Rory's daughter!" They babble about how the Time Lords evolved after being exposed to the Time Vortex and debate about whether or not Melody might be able to regenerate. Vastra tries to very delicately ask the Doctor when any rampant screwing may have occurred on the TARDIS, but the Doctor is a bit obtuse. I remember the time I had to explain to my grandma a joke about kneepads and oral sex. Old people are just not hip to these things. He finally does get the point, though, even though he's supremely uncomfortable. Vastra asks if the child could have been conceived on the TARDIS, in the Time Vortex. "No! No, impossible," insists the Doctor. "It's all running about and sexy fish vampires and blowing up stuff and Rory wasn't even there at the beginning!" The Doctor keeps talking until he talks himself into realizing that it must have happened on Amy and Rory's wedding night.
Strax is just finishing up a scan of the base and says there are no life forms but them and the Silurians. Lorna reminds them of the Headless Monks, who don't register as life forms. Sure enough, one of them is sneaking up behind a Silurian warrior.
The Doctor is still arguing about the baby when he remembers Amy worrying that the baby would have a "timehead." Dorium suddenly realizes that their victory came without much of a fight. "This is too easy. Something is wrong!" The Doctor is still too busy trying to figure out the baby mystery to respond. He wonders why they would want a baby Time Lord. Vastra suggests they want her as a weapon, which genuinely befuddles the Doctor. Why would a Time Lord be a weapon? For being terribly clever, he's also sometimes very blind. Vastra and Dorium exchange exasperated looks. "They've seen you," says Vastra. The Doctor drops into the nearest chair as the horrible realization of it all finally begins to dawn on him. 900-plus years have finally caught up with him. He looks exhausted and defeated. He flashes back on dissecting the spacesuit with River and discussing the very-strong little girl who forced her way out of it.
After Dorium and Vastra go to gather the others together, a view screen pops up at the control panel. Madame Kovarian has called to check in. They discuss the baby. Kovarian calls her "hope in this endless, bitter war." "What war? Against who?" asks the Doctor, still not quite getting it. "Against you, Doctor," Kovarian practically spits.
The Headless Monks quietly go about killing some of the Silurian warriors. Unfortunately, there's a shot of them that pretty clearly shows the actors' faces behind the hoods, which sort of destroys what bit of suspended disbelief there was. The Monks encase the TARDIS in a forcefield and close in on the Doctor's little army. There's some melodic, wordless chanting. "Oh, dear God, that's the attack prayer!" says Dorium. Rory stashes Amy and Melody behind some crates. Amy advises him to let the others die first, to which he replies, "You're so Scottish!" Heh. He kisses his wife and baby, then heads off to battle.
Lorna digs through some crates for weapons. Strax, apparently having skipped a human anatomy class or two at nursing school, calls her a boy. "She's definitely a girl," the Silurian says appreciatively. "Oh, stop it!" Jenny says. Dorium decides to go over to have a chat with his old friends, the Monks, and promptly gets himself beheaded. His headless body waddles back toward the group along with the Monks. Rory and friends ready their weapons.
"The child is not a weapon!" shouts the Doctor. "She will be," Kovarian promises. Come to think of it, thanks to flesh-Amy's trip to 1969, she already knows how, when and where to start. The Doctor says he won't let Kovarian near the child. "Oh, Doctor, fooling you once was a joy," she says. "But fooling you twice the same way? It's a privilege." The Doctor, realizing what this means, goes running for Amy.
Amy is cradling what she thinks is her baby as the others fight a short distance away. River's voice recites a poem for us: "Demons run when a good man goes to war. Night will fall and drown the sun, when a good man goes to war. Friendship dies and true love lies. Night will fall and the dark will rise, when a good man goes to war. Demons run, but count the cost: The battle's won, but the child is lost." This is interspersed with shots of the fight, with monks wielding their lightning swords and Rory alternately shooting a gun and waving a sword. The Doctor runs and runs through the base. A Monk sneaks up behind Strax. Another blasts Lorna in the chest with a bolt of energy. A panel opens in midair that only Melody can see. "Wakey wakey," Madame Kovarian says. With a soft splat, the baby collapses into white goo down the front of Amy's shirt. She gasps and looks down at the empty blanket. She screams for Rory.
The battle is over when the Doctor finally reaches them. Headless corpses litter the floor. He tells Rory that the baby is a flesh avatar but Rory already knows. Rory goes to console a dying Strax, who discovers that dying in combat isn't what he'd hoped it would be. Rory tries to tell him that he'll be all right, that he's a warrior, but Strax is a nurse. He knows what dying looks like. Jenny is comforting Amy when the Doctor approaches, head bowed and wringing his hands. It was all for nothing, she says. He moves toward her, as if to hug her, but she steps away. "It's not his fault," Jenny says. "I know, I know," Amy says, but she still doesn't let him near her. Vastra calls to the Doctor and says Lorna wants to talk to him.
She's propped up against some stairs, eyes closed and breathing shallowly. The Doctor sonics her and rubs his hand over his face when he sees the results. When she opens her eyes, he tries to put on a happy smile and only succeeds halfway. She's so happy to see him, it's just heartbreaking. He thanks her for helping his friends. "I met you once," she says, struggling to speak. "In the Gamma Forests. You don't remember me." "Of course I remember," he says. He touches her face. "I remember everyone." A tear rolls down her cheek. "We ran, didn't we, Lorna?" he asks, because it's a safe bet, since he runs with everyone he meets. She doesn't answer. With a little sigh and smile, she dies. "Who was she?" he asks Vastra. Someone very brave, is the answer.
Vastra says that the child has probably been taken to Earth in order to be raised in the correct environment. "Yes, she has," the Doctor says, "and it's already too late." Vastra is shocked that he's giving up. "You never give up!" He wheels around on her. "Yeah, and don't you wish sometimes I did?"
There's a flash of lightning and River Song appears on the hangar floor. The Doctor is nearly as angry at her as he was at Colonel Run-Away and Madame Kovarian. She didn't come when he asked. She stands there and takes his anger and then tells him he could have prevented this. Then she calmly turns to Amy. "I know you're not all right, but hang tight, Amy, because you're going to be." The Doctor rails some more. "This wasn't me!" he spits. "This was exactly you," River says. He made everyone so afraid of him, the man, as she says, who can turn an entire army around at the mention of his name. The man who started out seeing the universe and ended up like this. "Doctor: the word for healer and wise man throughout the universe," she says. "We get that word from you, you know." She warns him against continuing on this way, the word will come to mean something else. To Lorna's people, a doctor is a warrior. She says the child will be turned into a weapon to fight him. "And all this, my love, in fear of you." He moves between anger and despair, hearing this, but then at some point he sort of gathers himself back up and walks very slowly toward River. "Who are you?" he asks. The way he's looking at her, he expects her to be an enemy.
River backs away from him. "Oh, look, your cot! Haven't seen that in a very long while!" She goes to the cradle. He thinks she's trying to change the subject, but she's telling him everything he needs to know. "Can't you read?" she asks. She looks down at the design on the cradle, the concentric and overlapping circles. He looks, too, and realizes that she can read it just as well as he can, which means she knows his name. Which means she's very special, indeed. His face starts to break out into this hopeful smile that he tries to get under control, but it's beyond him. "Hello," he says to her, nearly beaming. "But that means --" He can't say the rest and just gives a drunken little giggle. Then more thinking happens and more realizations dawn on him. "But you and I! We!" He makes smooching sounds and laughs some more. He straightens up his bow tie, feeling renewed and hopeful because anything is possible when you've just met River Song for real. He tells River to get everyone home and heads for the TARDIS, bent on rescuing Melody.
Amy is left standing there in the TARDIS's wake, tears rolling down her cheeks. She turns to River and wants to know what the Doctor said. She picks up a gun and aims it at her. River tells her to concentrate because the TARDIS's translation matrix takes some time with the written word. Amy looks at the concentric circles, which remain unreadable to her. She keeps the gun on River. River says Gallifreyan doesn't translate. Must be hell to sign your checks with all those fancy circles, too. River picks up Lorna's prayer leaf and hands it to Amy. "It's your daughter's name, in the language of the forest," River says. "Except they don't have a word for pond, because the only water in the forest is the river." River promises her that the Doctor will find her daughter. Amy finally looks down at the prayer leaf as the words shimmer and coalesce into River Song's name. "It's me," River says to her parents. "I'm Melody. I'm your daughter."
Rory and Amy stare at her, too stunned to speak, and we have weeks and weeks yet to wring our hands and rail at the universe for making us wait to find out what happens .
Tippi Blevins really needs a time machine. You can reach her at b_tippi@yahoo.com or http://twitter.com/tippib.
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