The most important thing about this episode is that a large portion of it takes place under a bridge, in one of those only-in-Florida sex offender Hoovervilles. Obviously, it was endlessly fascinating and awesome, and there should be a whole show about those things somewhere. Anyway, now that Julia Stiles is living out loud, she goes completely postal and tracks down the bastard she thinks was Boyd's accomplice. Right before she shoots him, however, Dexter stops her, as he had already kidnapped the guy the night before and noticed that his state-issued sex offender anklet would have rendered him unable to leave the molester bridge during her captivity. So the real guy is still on the loose, and Julia Stiles is determined to find him, even though Dex refuses to help her. I'm sure that'll go over great for all three of them.
Harrison scratches another kid at Mommy and Me, and the other moms accuse him of being a psychopath. Dex overhears them and kind of puts the verbal smack down on them, but it was kind of weak sauce. Even Sarah Walker can do better than that, and Sarah Walker is a moron.
There was also more of LaGuerta and Angel's marital issues stupidness, but those for the most part got resolved for now. What's important is that they brought Robocop himself, Peter Weller, into the show, which is great, even though it made no sense -- Robocop's on the take? So IA needed LaGuerta to try to have sex with him? In a co-worker banging sting? No fucking clue, but Quinn gets to the guy and offers to pay for his legal fees if he investigates Dexter for him. Robocop complies.
A lesbian tattoo artist who looks like a bizarro version of Mary-Louise Parker hits on Deb, which turns out to be meaningless, but later Deb tracks down the Santa Muerte brothers to a bar. We'll have to wait until week to see how that pans out, however.
And, lastly, there was a shirtless Masuka in a cheetah-print thong. And two corpses full of maggots. Still deciding which was my favorite.
--Mindy Monez
Hi there! Jeff Long is apparently having trouble with his TV, cable, or both (whatever the problem is, I sympathize) so I'll be subbing in this week. It's good timing in a couple ways -- one, my regular TWoP gig, Mad Men, just ended, so I have a bit more time on my hands now, and two, in my day job as a film producer, I just finished a movie called East Fifth Bliss, which just so happens to star one Michael C. Hall. And while I've previously recapped the work of both actors and writers I know personally, I've never been quite this excited to do it, both because Dexter is one of my favorite shows and because MCH is just that awesome both as an actor and a person. But rather than extend the gush-fest, let's get to this week's offering:One other thing before we get started: The rivers of blood Dexter spills in service of his Dark Passenger have never bothered me in the slightest, but I have to fast-forward through the opening credits every time because the part where he cuts himself shaving makes me want to jump out of my skin. That's just me, right?
Speaking of that blood I was saying doesn't bother me, we open on a swirling red screen as DVO tells us that we all have something to hide -- "some dark place inside us we don't want the world to see." For me, that's currently the place that hides the knowledge that I've recently become addicted to REO Speedwagon songs from my youth -- whoops -- but I'm thinking Dexter's referring to something more nefarious. As the camera backs away a bit, the color on screen changes, and as DVO goes on that we pretend everything's okay by "wrapping ourselves in rainbows," and anyone who thinks that's a panacea hasn't been following the DADT debate lately. Regardless, a rainbow of different-colored fabric moves through our field of vision before it's lifted up to reveal our hero -- he and several parents are hoisting up a multicolored carousel-tent-esque canopy over their children as part of, presumably, some organized outing. DVO tells us he wants to believe that Harrison's witnessing his mother's demise hasn't turned him into a monster, but just then, one of the other kids screams in pain, and when his mother and another woman attend to him, they see he's got a scratch on his face. They conclude that it must have been innocent roughhousing on the part of one of his classmates, but as they take him away, he points over their shoulders at Harrison all J'accuse!, and Dexter is freaked not just at the occurrence but that Harrison actually got rid of the evidence on his own finger. And given that the most efficient way for him to have done so was for him to slurp the blood up like it was his afternoon juice, I can understand why Dexter would feel like he has cause for concern here. Anyway, Dexter wisely figures he'd better get Harrison out of there before the wounded child learns how to talk...
...so let's cut to a close-up of Julia Stiles's hands tearing open a packet of sugar, and given the pile of granules on the table in front of her she obviously needs to find a different way to occupy them. I'd suggest a smartphone and a Twitter app -- while hardly more productive, they at least won't attract ants. Dexter walks into the coffeehouse where Lumen is most thrillingly occupying her time, and when he joins her, she notes that he always looks disappointed when he sees her, like he was hoping to find an empty table. "Guilty," replies DVO, and I think they tend to overuse the VO for exposition quite often but I will never tire of mental hilarities like that one. Dexter tells Lumen that she should really consider his advice that she leave town and go home, but she asks, "If you had something horrible happen to you, could you just forget about it and move on?" He replies that he'd want to, and I assume he's talking about his childhood trauma but I'd like to imagine he's referring to the cheap technique the writers just used there. Surely Dexter is aware of the parallel -- in fact, especially given what he's going through with Harrison, it's exactly why he wants to divert her from the path of revenge -- so for the writers to give us this on-the-nose line for a One To Grow On moment is insulting. I mean, I know I'm coming from Mad Men, The Show Where Unnecessary Dialogue Goes To Die, but still. Anyway, Lumen, after making sure that packet of sugar will never, ever hurt anyone again, asks Dexter to help her find those guys and kill them, as she saw him dispose of Boyd. "You knew what you were doing." Unfortunately, the arrival of the waitress stops Dexter from surveying her on the specifics ("Did you really think so? I thought I could have dragged out the death blow just maybe a second and a half longer"), and when she asks him if he'd like "the usual," I wonder about his choice of venue here, as it seems sloppy for him to be seen with sugar-packet-shredding Lumen by anyone who could pick him out of a lineup. When the waitress is gone, hopefully not to call Joey Quinn about the poster he dropped off earlier, Dexter tells Lumen in hushed tones that if she pursues this course of action, things will only get worse -- it will open up something inside her she'll regret ever learning was there. And while this is meant to frighten her in more than one way, as well it might given what she saw Dexter do, she kind of stupidly says she can't trust him, since she doesn't even know his last name. Anyway, the scene goes on too long here, but suffice it to say that she is not going to be swayed from her path, and when he presents her with a plane ticket to Minneapolis he says he purchased with miles, she shakes her head in frustration and leaves, but not without taking the ticket with her. And if his use of miles ends up leading someone to link the two of them together, he's got no one to blame but himself. You'd think he wouldn't be so dumb, but given that DVO is all "Great, one less problem I have to deal with" to himself, you'd apparently be wrong. He does follow up with a "Maybe it'll snow this week" to himself, but... if he doesn't think she's going to leave, why is the conversation over? I mean, shouldn't he be a little surer that she's not going to do anything that will end up pointing to him? Isn't that slightly more important than picking up his drycleaning?
Speaking of Joey Quinn, he shirtlessly emerges from the bathroom to find Deb getting dressed, saying she's going to be late. And since I'm here, I will say two things: One, I do not understand how I can find Desmond Harrington absolutely disgusting on Gossip Girl and hot here. It can't all be the hair, can it? And two, how twisted a game is Quinn playing with Deb here? I mean, I don't necessarily doubt that his attraction to/feelings for Deb are genuine, but given his secret suspicions about the most important person in her life it is super sketchy that he's giving in to them. I like it dramatically, but that doesn't mean it isn't incredibly creepy. I mean, if Deb found out what he was up to, she'd sooner sleep with her dead halfstepbrother The Ice Truck Killer than touch Quinn again. Anyway, he tries to be affectionate but she's like, "LATE, hello," so despite the progressive normalization of their romantic relationship she's continuing the push-pull she does so very well, and even though this is hardly new ground for the character, the criminally (ooh, sorry) underappreciated Jennifer Carpenter sells it every single time. She does explain that she's got to get to the hospital to meet Batista, as they're interviewing "that kid Fuentes sliced open," and even that bothered me less than the shaving thing. When he sarcastically wishes her good luck with that investigation, she upbraids him for apparently sitting around on his admittedly attractive ass while she's out busting hers. Unable to tell her about his suspension, as that would lead her to his investigation of Dexter, he bullshits that he had a few vacation days he needed to use or lose, but while she doesn't exactly seem like she buys that, she doesn't have time to dwell on it and heads out. And as close at it seems Quinn is to formally identifying Kyle Butler as Dexter, he seems just as near to the whole department finding out what he's doing. Which one will happen first?
After an establishing shot of the hospital, Deb finishes complaining about Quinn's absence to Batista, who agrees with Deb that Quinn being forced to use leave days doesn't make any sense. Once again, however, the subject is dropped, this time because Deb catches sight of the kid's mother and freaks, as she's blaming herself for him getting his throat cut and assumes the mother will too. Batista manfully steps up to her, but any such chivalry is unnecessary, as it happens, because all the poor woman wants to do is give Deb a hug, apparently seeing her as her son's savior rather than the catalyst for him coming to harm. Deb manages a "De nada," but when she switches to English to say they'd like to ask her son some questions, the woman looks to Batista for translation, and even though it seems like a minor thing, given how big the plots are on this show, I'm rather enjoying this little "Deb is realizing she really should learn Spanish" seasonal subplot. They've paid enough quiet attention to it that I think it might really pay off one way or the other at some point. Anyway, once Batista presents their request in Spanish, the woman accedes...
...so we cut to the kid's room, wherein we can see that he's recovered quite nicely and can even speak normally despite the large bandage on his throat. Batista translates a question from Deb (does Quinn speak Spanish? I can't remember, but maybe Batista would have had to be here anyway) as to the identity of the man who "injured" him, and after "Andre" hesitates, his mother instructs him (my Spanish is super-rusty, but I still could understand this) to tell the officers what they need to know. Andre, however, doesn't even know the guy's name and really is unable at first to give them any information other than that he was really scared. However, after they've started to leave, he calls them back and tells them Fuentes had a mark on his hand -- a small tattoo. Ooh, did it say "If you can read this, I'm going to cut your throat"? It would explain a lot! Deb excitedly asks Andre to draw the design, and after another look to his mother, he gets to work...
...but we don't see if he's a good candidate for the Draw Me! School yet, as we cut to Dexter. DVO, after some unnecessary stuff about darkness, says there's nothing in Boyd's record to indicate he had accomplices, which YES HELLO THINK OF THAT, and then Deb busts in and Dexter does that "Oh, don't mind, me, I'm just subtly navigating away from that screen" thing he does, like, if I worked in that office, I might not think Dexter was a serial killer but I'd sure suspect him of being a porn addict on a Masuka-size scale. Anyway, Deb gives Dexter the cup of coffee she tells him he left on the hood of his car, and Dexter sighs that his head is "in about fifty places" before saying that Masuka didn't begin to keep up with the caseload, and obviously Dexter and I see the importance of our morning coffee differently, because a dead wife, a potentially psychopathic baby, and an undeterminably crazy woman who might blow my entire existence wouldn't be nearly enough for me to forget it. Also, if Dexter owes any karmic debt for blaming Masuka for his state of mind, it's paid and then some when Deb informs him that Masuka was looking at...well, as Deb puts it: "Good luck getting the midget porn off your hard drive." I mean, I know the department's pretty hard-boiled, but they might want to consider getting Net Nanny for Masuka, no? Deb then asks how "Mommy And Me" was, which explains why Dexter was the only dad there, and after Dexter admits that Harrison's kiddie dance card isn't exactly full yet, talk then turns to the fact that Deb didn't come home the night. She shiftily tells him it was late and she didn't want to wake him, so she just crashed at a friend's, but he doesn't let her off the hook, asking what friend, and even though I think he suspects a hookup it's sadly hilarious to think the suspicion is triggered because he knows she has no friends. LaGuerta is the only one I could ever see her actually developing a friendship with, but she's too busy hiding money in her mattress and attending to her Miss Best Blowjob In Miami duties to take on anyone new at the moment. Anyway, Deb asks Dexter if he wants to do lunch, but Dexter begs off as DVO tells us he's got to stop by Boyd's house, and when Deb tells him to bring her something back, MCH gives a priceless expression as he contemplates what in that house might be appropriate.
Batista sees his wife in her office with McCourt and asks Deb if she finds him attractive, but she reassures him: "I would rather put a campfire out with my face." Hee. This is enough for him to drop the subject, so she tells him Cira (she always sounds like she's saying "Sierra" -- work on it, Deb) is going to keep checking ATM video surveillance while she tracks down the tattoo. He asks to see the drawing again, and when she produces it, I'd say it looks like an eye with no pupil and two solitary lashes on the bottom side, but Batista's assessment that "It looks like a UFO to me" certainly has merit. Deb expresses similar confusion and opines that they need to talk to an expert, which sets a light bulb off over Batista's head...
...and then we pan up a close shot of someone's back, on which a large tattoo of a bare-breasted female warrior riding a dragon can clearly be seen, and then we fade out to see the bearer of the image is Masuka, who informs them that "the dragon lady represents the dualities of my inner warrior." No frickin' idea what that means, but Deb's response of "Or your inner idiot" suffices to move the scene along, and while for the sake of thoroughness I'm going to have to tell you that Masuka having removed his shirt lets us see not only the tattoo but the leopard-print thong he's wearing down below, you can bet I'm not going to dwell on that either. Anyway, after some tiresome discussion about Masuka having had "a crisis of the soul," he tells them that they're going to want to talk to his "body artist, Michael Angel
o," and nothing about that scene made me want to do anything other than behead Masuka with a machete. I guess I know who to talk to about that!Dexter pulls up to Boyd's house as DVO tells us that from the outside, a normal home is indistinguishable from the home of a monster who puts women in barrels, like what that has to do with the price of tea in China I'll never know and WRITERS, DON'T WRITE WORDS JUST FOR THE SAKE OF WRITING WORDS, and when Dexter gets inside DVO continues that there must be something inside that will point him to Boyd's accomplices, like, wow, Dexter, you're really taking that stuff you said last week about a "leap of faith" to heart. Dexter quickly discovers that someone's been there by the presence of overturned files and a bloody broken window, and I will tell you that I uncharacteristically have not seen the full episode prior to writing this but I would lay money that this was Lumen returning to the scene of the crime. Dexter, however, after finding a bloody envelope with a fingerprint on it, concludes that "whoever Boyd was working with must have panicked," like WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT, and then he sniffs, "Amateurs," like YOU SHOULD TALK GIVEN EVERYTHING YOU'VE BOTCHED THIS EPISODE SO FAR. Oh, no, I'm yelling at Dexter! I'm sorry -- I know you've been through a lot!
At home, Dexter does not find a match for the print, and then his nanny Sonya (Maria Doyle Kennedy! Marie from the only Queer As Folk I'll ever acknowledge! Catherine of Aragon from The Tudors! How I love her!) comes out with a freshly-bathed Harrison and gets ready to go. Before she leaves, however, Dexter asks if she's ever noticed Harrison being aggressive, and she asks, "Aggressive? What do you mean?" Don't make me start in on you, honey. I'm having enough trouble with Dexter. Anyway, once Sonya has absorbed the concept of "aggression," which they of course do not have in Ireland, she tells Dexter that Harrison's a wonderfully gentle boy, and besides, even if he had a little dust-up it's nothing to worry about. "My brother used to bite people, bloody little cannibal. Now he's a vegetarian. Works for Greenpeace." Does...she actually think her brother would have eaten human flesh if he hadn't gone vegetarian? I feel like I'm getting confused about everything in this episode. What I'm not confused about, though, is the fact that it was in fact Lumen who left her print behind, as when he searches the DMV database he comes up with her name, like, DURR, Dexter. A hilarious little throwaway tidbit on her license, however, is that she's an organ donor, like, make sure you make a note of that if you end up having to stab her to death, Dex!
Dexter goes to Lumen's motel room, and I know he paid it current last time but I don't know why that means it would be untouched at this point, but regardless, after he works some lock mojo, inside he finds a big old Wall of Psycho, with clippings and photos and notes written in CUCKOO SPEAK and the word "RAPE" in about four thousand different places, and Dexter's face is like, "This is a bit crazier than I usually take my crazy, thanks." Still, from this, regardless if there's actually a connection to Boyd, which I still have not heard Lumen actually say, it does seem like she was telling the truth about some other terrible stuff having happened to her. On the other hand, when did she have time to do all this? Just since Dexter rescued her? Seems like a lot of work even for the sufficiently motivated. Anyway, in all the sensory overload you might have missed it, but from the way it's shot I think the paper with three locations on it -- "Venetian Causeway, Julia Tuttle Causeway, North Bay Village" might be significant. We also get a quick focus on a picture of some dude with a beard, and then Harry pops up and literally asks Dexter if all this work seems like the product of a stable mind, like, I know you're being sarcastic but I think I'm still going to have to respond NO. Dexter notices a makeshift bed in the closet and theorizes that Lumen slept in there because "a closet was the only place she felt safe from them," and if she's this nuts I'm surprised she didn't do a Fuentes on Dexter last week instead of just scratching him in the arm. Anyway, Harry urgently uses sock puppets and semaphore flags to try to convey the fact that Lumen has lost her ever-loving mind, but Dexter is too busy with the missing letter he's just located from Boyd's onetime cellmate "Robert Brunner," who wrote that he's getting out on parole and needs a place to "sleap." If there's also any talk of them revisiting "aneal seax," Dexter demurely omits that part. Harry tells Dexter that Lumen's path isn't going to end well, like, thanks for keeping up after you've been on the show for five years, Harry, and then adds that Lumen is going to bring Dexter down. Dexter takes a long moment to contemplate that...
...and then Lumen walks into that same coffeehouse and finds Dexter waiting for her, like, I don't see how he could have gotten a hold of her so did he just guess that she'd come back here even though she has her target now? Whatever, as I told you I love this show, I'm used to things not adding up if you give them three seconds of thought, but this episode really feels like it's not even trying. Anyway, there is an absolutely useless exchange where he tells her he knows what she's doing and she gets offended that he must be spying on her now, like, YOU ASKED HIM TO HELP YOU KILL THEM. It's a little late to be all "Well, I never!" about it now. Anyway, Lumen does concede that Dexter saved her life and she's grateful for that, and honestly, given how much more lucid she is now, THAT'S the cue for Dexter to walk away. I mean, she's acknowledging that she owes him a debt; the implication seems clear that she won't turn him in. However, when she adds that she needs him just to leave her alone now and makes to take off, he grabs her wrist, which would be inadvisable even if she weren't someone who had to SLEEP IN A CLOSET to feel safe. I'm surprised she doesn't stab him with her breakfast fork. Instead, she yells for him not to touch her, getting the attention of the entire restaurant which is just exactly what he needs right now, and Dexter sighs at how difficult his foray into humanitarianism has become, but soldiers on by telling her that "these men put five women in barrels" (consider my issues with him jumping to that conclusion logged) and that they're not going to want to be found. Lumen, however, once again leaves without looking convinced, and DVO at least gets it this time: "She's not going to stop until she finds Brunner." Well, among other people, but you're coming around, DVO.
Back at the office, Batista comes in to tell his wife that Deb has been all over him about her partner's absence. LaGuerta (Lauren Velez! I haven't recapped you since target="_blank">Oz!) lies that that's all on the union, and is similarly untruthful (I'm guessing) when she tells him there's nothing he needs to know about his case with IA. However, when he asks if there's anything he needs to know about anything else, she pretty clearly looks like she wants to tell him something, but in the end merely says she has to go, adding that she might be late coming home. He accepts this with graceful equanimity, and if she weren't so off her game she'd know, as you and I do, exactly what that means...
...which is that he's going to follow the shit out of her. Well, not exactly, but he does see McCourt pick her up in his car, while they don't see him because...he's standing five feet away with minimal cover. Hey, I just work here, although it would have been hilarious if McCourt waved to him on his way out.
Dexter's got his lab coat on and seems to be doing some actual work when that woman Francis who works in the Records Department and gets to leave the basement sometimes when one of the principals needs a favor appears with Brunner's file, which she trades to Dexter for baby pictures of Harrison, which is adorable. Dexter muses that Brunner was in for "abduction, torture, rape," but was only convicted of sexual assault, which came down to three years for good behavior, which seems pretty short to me even considering the possibility of plea bargains and sketchy evidence, but anyway, the pictures of the scars on his victims look similar to those he saw on Lumen, so Dexter ascertains that he's living under "Tuttle Bridge" (or "Julia Tuttle Bridge," as on Lumen's Post-It) because, as Francis says, "Sex offenders can't live anywhere near kids." So The Woodsman wasn't accurate? That's a relief. Anyway, after some more baby talk, DVO tells us he's got to get to Brunner before Lumen does. So, is Dexter just going to kill anyone upon whom Lumen wishes death? I hope she doesn't fly Delta home, or they're going to end up short an awful lot of employees.
At the tattoo parlor, Masuka says many things of no consequence whatsoever while Deb delightfully threatens to kick the shit out of him, and then Michael Angelo, who is of course a woman, calls "Sugar" over (if there's an explanation of how he got that nickname, I don't want to know it, especially not after his Butt-Head-like answering laugh) and tells Deb, "Enchantée." Little does she know that foreign languages are such a sore spot for our heroine. Tattoo Woman (I refuse to call her that ridiculous name any longer) confirms my belief that the representation is an eye, and explains that as a tattoo, it should represent the third eye. She fills in the drawing a little, and suddenly it's quite familiar -- it's the eye in a pyramid you'd find on the back of a dollar bill. Deb asks if she's ever "done anything like this," and TW replies, "Well, if I had, I would have remembered it." And I know I came down on the writing staff, but given what we're about to learn of this woman's orientation, I'm going to give them credit for a delicious double entendre there. Hee. TW can't be any more help than that at this point, but she does make her intentions plain by inviting Deb to come see her any time, and after Masuka gives her some shit for that and then is typically gross, he goes to wait in the car, and Deb calls Cira and confesses she's got nothing, but Cira tells her she's seen eight people on security footage who looked completely freaked out as they withdrew the maximum amount they could from their accounts. In this economy, that might not be conclusive, but Deb is excited anyway and tells her to get addresses for all of them, and she'll come pick her up in the morning to check them out. For someone who just got sketched out by being hit on by another girl, she sure seems excited about this date.
Dexter's trying his hand at blending in with bridge trash as DVO takes a moment to remember Julia Tuttle, who was apparently known as "the mother of Miami," but now whose bridge dedicated to her is crawling with the dregs of society. Well, I see his point, but I'm not sure I could name a bridge under which gala fundraisers and dinner parties are regularly thrown. Anyway, Dexter walks through the shantytown without attracting attention, even though you'd think anyone not already known would come under immediate suspicion, or at least questioning. I mean, these people may have to register with the state, but that's hardly an invitation to come and gawk at them. But it seems like the show disagrees with me, as Dexter finds Brunner watching a small TV and asks if he can join him. Brunner tells him "the kid fuckers" congregate in a different area, but if Dexter is offended to be lumped into that category based on a first impression, he doesn't show it, instead merely saying that some "stuck-up little coed" and he had a "legal disagreement concerning the meaning of the word 'consent'." Oh, and then I guess you took out some "aggression" on her. Did I do that right? Brunner invites Dexter to sit with him, and after Dexter further bonds with him by telling him he did time in the same joint Brunner did, Brunner tells him how he was planning to crash with his former cellmate, but his parole office warned him off staying with "someone from the joint," like, I'm not sure how taking up residence on Pedophile Peninsula is the loftier social achievement, and Brunner seems to agree, saying that when his parole's over, he's heading north to get some of that "farm-fresh pussy." Believe it or not, this outpouring of feeling makes Dexter uncomfortable despite the fact that it's unclear just what the hell he's talking about ("Farm fresh pussy"? That's a thing?), and when Brunner starts to relate just the most lovely story of how he and some other dudes participated in some wholesome male bonding by gang-banging a blonde girl, Dexter has had enough and plants his trusty needle in Brunner's neck. Despite my jokes, though, I will say that it's clever how Dexter's discomfort at hearing the gory details of this crime compromised his ability to rationally determine if Brunner is the guy who hurt Lumen. Of course, so did the incredibly convenient coincidence of the scars Brunner inflicted on his victims being so similar to those done to Lumen, but I'm trying to stay positive here! It's not easy!
At Dexter's Kill Pad, he's rushing and trying to get the deed over with as quickly as possible. Harry (I hope I don't have to make it clear that I understand there is no "Harry," as such -- he's Dexter's conscience, devil's advocate, Svengali, whatever he and the story need at the moment), however, urges Dexter to think, pointing out that the guy is a sex offender out on parole. I think the thought is that he doesn't fit the code, but Dexter goes in a different direction with it, ripping open the plastic on the guy to see that, as a sex offender out on parole, he's wearing an ankle bracelet tracker, and thus couldn't have been present at the scene of the crime. Dexter is shocked and appalled that he was ready to kill an "innocent" man, and instead of pointing out that it's not like that hasn't happened before, I'll merely say I hope he learns something from this. But also, if Brunner had to wear this tracker that alerts the authorities when he leaves the Tuttle Bridge area, what was that bullshit he told Dexter about why he didn't stay with Boyd? Is this show going to pretend it can't afford a continuity editor?
As Dexter drops the still-unconscious Brunner back at his, um, campsite, DVO concedes that Harry is right -- he has to convince Lumen to move past what happened to her. Well, you know what will take his mind off his Lumen troubles? Opening his door and finding Deb and Quinn on the couch! To be fair, they're only sitting having a beer while fully clothed, but Dexter is still unamused and, ignoring Quinn entirely, asks Deb what he's doing there. Deb: "He wanted to...borrow...a book." You guys, Deb lies so badly that if I were Dexter, I'd be psyched out to the point where I came all the way back around to believing her. Dexter, hilariously: "He reads?" Hee. Quinn, with affable menace that Dexter probably doesn't detect, replies that he does, and then Deb opens the door for him, but all the shade Dexter threw his way results in him predictably moving to try to plant one on Deb as he leaves, and even though she avoids him by pulling away and tells "Joseph" that she'll call him in the morning, Dexter gets the message, if the "Where's that rancid lobster smell coming from" look on his face is any indication. Adding injury to insult, Quinn looks back and, referring to the pair that he's got in his back pocket, tells Dexter it's a little hot for gloves, and Dexter has no answer to that, which is at least better than stammering an explanation about how he had to borrow some barbed wire. When Quinn's gone, Dexter asks Deb what's up, and Deb confesses that the two of them are "fuckbuddies." I didn't think there could be a more entertaining response than the raised eyebrow Dexter gives her, but his follow-up proves me wrong: "You need Quinn for that?" HA! Deb admits that it's "insane," but Dexter is not in a mood for any reflexive reassurance, instead saying it's her life, but he doesn't want Quinn around Harrison. Deb is put off by that sentiment, but she has no power in this argument, and even as she tries to tell Dexter he's wrong about Quinn, he closes the door to his bedroom in the middle of her sentence. Might as well head over to Quinn's place, Deb. You can "read" together.
LaGuerta comes home, apologizing for being late and acting shifty as hell while Batista is all "Dinner's in the oven," like, the role reversal is kind of funny but we know from that shit she pulled with Esme back in Season Two that she can be a better liar than this, so either she's not trying hard enough, or she doesn't have anything to hide and is just being squirrely for "dramatic" effect, which would be completely cheap. I mean, it's not like he surprised her, like with Dexter and Deb in the last scene -- she knew she was coming home and would have to tell him something. Get it together, woman. Anyway, after a palpably slow and bullshit excuse about staying in the office late because of "budgets," she goes to take a shower, leaving Batista to stew about what kind of McCourt fluids she's washing off herself. Oh, but first he checks her phone and sees she's got an appointment scheduled for "Tomorrow" at 2 PM at the "Beach Inn Motel," like, what kind of calendar doesn't list the date, and by the way, it's 6:49 PM, according to the phone, and they're both acting like she was burning the midnight oil. How long could he have been sitting there with "All day long I slave over a hot stove, and this is the thanks I get" thoughts in his head?
Dexter turns back up to the motel and conveniently finds that woman with the power to magically turn collection agencies off hosing down something or other, and she tells him that "his wife" was "asking about Tuttle Bridge," like, she has an ENTIRE BULLETIN BOARD devoted to these guys and has the NAME OF THE BRIDGE ON A POST-IT NOTE and IS ON HER WAY TO COMMIT MURDER, and she has to stop and chat about it? Anyway, Dexter freaks and gets back in the car...
...and then Lumen, wearing a hoodie while she apparently plans to commit murder in BROAD DAYLIGHT, is strolling through the shantytown, which by the way is so lacking in menace that I'm surprised Mommy and Me didn't have their outing here. (Okay, maybe not that surprised.) And actually, when Lumen, devoid of peripheral vision thanks to that stupid hoodie, bumps into some guy, he calls her...an "ASSHOLE"! Such language! I may have the vapors! Anyway, after Lumen looks around for approximately forty minutes, she sees a shirtless Brunner wandering around, and by the way, I wasn't under the impression that Dexter's Kill House was all that nearby, so how is it that Brunner's ankle tag didn't go off last night? For that matter, where are the sensors set up? What's the perimeter? Whatever, I can't believe there are this many plot holes in a single episode and I'm going to end up writing twenty pages if I keep obsessing about them. Anyway, Lumen takes cover behind one of the bridge supports and, with shaking hands, takes aim at Brunner, but some dude gets in the way, and then he leaves again, and another eternity passes before, just as a train goes by, conveniently obscuring their sounds, Dexter appears and grabs the gun away from her, and then she YELLS at him about how he doesn't know what "those animals" did to her. "Passing me around. I couldn't move! I couldn't stop them!" Apparently you couldn't IDENTIFY them, either, if you were about to kill this guy who wasn't involved. Seriously, WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO HER? Instead of asking if she can SHUT UP before she gets them both killed, Dexter tells her it wasn't Brunner, and takes ten years to get to the part about the ankle bracelet, during which Lumen keeps yelling about how Brunner RAPED these WOMEN, like I am not denigrating her feelings at all but she is not going to get her revenge if the dozens of sex offenders decide to KILL HER DEAD. But actually, even though her hoodie's down and she's screaming like a maniac, she draws nothing more than passing interest, and seriously, Lauren Velez and David Zayas were both on Oz. Couldn't they have told the show how to write actual criminals? Once the idea that Brunner is the wrong man has sunk in, Lumen cries that she just wants to feel better, and instead of suggesting counseling or something that might actually work, Dexter can only tell her that "this is where it leads" and she needs to get on that plane and go home. Lumen cries for a bit more as the CHILD RAPISTS politely continue to give her space to work out her issues and Brunner also very considerately declines to take a few steps over to see what's up, which is nice because if he did he would see THE DUDE WHO STUCK A NEEDLE IN HIS NECK LAST NIGHT, like, why Dexter isn't the one wearing the hoodie I also can't imagine. Finally, however, Lumen tells Dexter she'll go home, and I think she's talking about Minnesota but I'd be satisfied with her just going back to the damn motel at this point.
Deb and her translator have apparently struck out at their first five locations, and Cira babbles something about putting positive energy out into the
universe, a sentiment for which Deb only has a withering glare, which I respect. Turns out they're both kind of right, though, as when they get to the porch, they realize they're onto something, but the fact that a foul stench slaps them in the face and they see flies buzzing around through the window suggests that whatever it is will be completely gross. And indeed, once they kick the door down and fight their way through the worsened stink to one of the bedrooms, they discover two desiccated corpses, and I think their tongues and eyes were removed by the Fuentes brothers but the maggots currently crawling on their faces might also be to blame. NASTY. Deb valiantly resists the urge to vomit, which is more than I can say for Cira, and honey, is that really the kind of positive stuff you were talking about putting out there? Deb calls it in as Cira tries to regain her composure......and then Batista's pulling up to the BEACH INN MOTEL I HATE THAT REDUNDANT NAME SO MUCH, and after he looks through a couple curtains he sees his wife apparently getting dressed after screwing McCourt, like, I didn't hear anything about her being the best lay in Miami. Regardless of these technicalities, Batista busts in and is ready to take McCourt's head off, but LaGuerta yells at him that she's participating in a sting. Which is fine, but why did she act like she'd turned into the Town Pump ever since McCourt showed up? I'm surprised the director didn't have her walking funny too. Anyway, when McCourt has given them some privacy, LaGuerta upbraids Batista for his intrusion and tells him she was helping IA so they'd close the books on his bar fight, which again, fine on the merits but I don't see why she couldn't have told him, or at least told him that there was something going on and she'd tell him what it was later, but this whole subplot has been handled in such an obviously cheap and sensationalistic manner that I'm victimizing us all by even discussing it further. Anyway, we're spared any further inane arguing by the two of them being called to the scene of the Maggot Murders, and when LaGuerta snits that she'll ride with the patrolmen and opens the door to the adjoining room we see that the target of the sting in question, who's clearly been listening to the two of them fight, is actually Peter Weller, better known as RoboCop. How the mighty have fallen, and I'm not just talking about his looks. Batista and RoboCop exchange a look before the former leaves in disgust and McCourt walks the latter out...
...and then the embattled couple shows up to the murder site, and after Deb brings them up to speed on how she and Cira tracked down the victims, Dexter tells them that even though the bodies have started to mummify (has everyone in this neighborhood lost their sense of smell?) he can tell that there's evidence of machete wounds. Deb of course thinks the Fuentes brothers are responsible, but Masuka isn't so sure -- there's none of the ritualistic paraphernalia that they found with the other victims. Unless the MAGGOTS ATE IT. Dexter suggests it might have been their first kill, which would explain the relative lack of skill used in committing the crime. Deb thinks that puts them back at square one, but when she goes to get a jacket to cover how horrible her shirt now smells, she sees a drawing of -- wait for it -- the eye that the adorable kid drew. Peeling away the posters around it, she discovers that it was never a tattoo, but a hand stamp from a nightclub, and she turns and yells this news across the street with about as much subtlety as Lumen exhibited in the rapist shantytown, like, I know you're excited but do you want to clue the whole neighborhood in here? After LaGuerta coldly tells Batista to go see what Deb is on about, Masuka inexplicably tells Dexter that they're all together again, "One big happy family," and Dexter looks around goofily for ten minutes before agreeing to himself. I hate to demur, but Quinn is not here, and even though Dexter is surely happy about that it makes Masuka's comment even more weird and tacked on than it already was. Also, Dex, you know who else is missing from your happy family? YOUR DEAD WIFE AND HER TWO KIDS. Is it me?
Dexter sees Lumen to airport security, and after some discussion of her paying him back for the ticket, he TELLS HER HIS SURNAME, like, that is information she never needed to know, particularly since he ends up declining her offer. I mean, I'm sure this is a callback to that stupid bit about her not trusting him, but seriously? Lie. You're one of the few people who does that well around here. Anyway, Lumen bitterly offers that she came to Miami for a fresh start someplace warm, and adds that she tried to call her parents, but she couldn't. "What would I say?" She goes on that she can't possibly tell them what happened, or tell anyone for that matter, and looks at Dexter as she notes that he's the only one who knows. Meeting her need, he reminds her that she has his number (well, if that's true, I guess the last name thing was beside the point) and she can call him if she needs to talk about it. She considers that for a moment and then thanks him again before heading to enter the security line, and Dexter once again wipes his brow in what I'm guessing is a highly premature manner before taking off. And indeed, we do not leave the scene, as we cut ahead to Lumen going through the metal detector, which goes off twice even though the second time she's removed her jewelry. Honey, I hope you remembered to leave the gun at home, too. Anyway, the pat-down is too much for Lumen and causes her almost to totally freak out, which is understandable, given that the woman is so physically intimate with her I'm surprised she doesn't give her a voucher for a free airport dinner after. Lumen is, like, the dictionary definition of a panic attack...
...but we don't see what ultimately happens, as we instead cut to Deb calling Quinn, who's in a bar, and telling him about the break in the Fuentes case. Quinn offers to pick up some steaks and beer to celebrate, but after he disconnects, we see he has some other business to attend to, as he is with RoboCop, who...I'm sorry, what did he do? Was he jerking off in the room? Did LaGuerta pose as a prostitute? This is just another unbelievably flimsy setup. He was CAUGHT in a STING! They're going to be talking about this one for years! Eesh. Anyway, Quinn, who apparently has a history with RoboCop, commiserates with him about how LaGuerta screwed them both or whatever, and RoboCop works blue for a while before he says he's going to fight "this thing" and not cop a plea. Thanks for clarifying! What kind of sentence is committing a "this thing" bringing these days? Anyway, Quinn tells RoboCop that he might have a paid job for him, and if Quinn is shelling out his own money to try to come up with something on Dexter when he knows that Dexter was out on assignment when Rita was killed, you have to wonder about his mental stability, considering the only thing he really has against Dexter is that he saw Quinn lift some money from a crime scene and wouldn't make him feel good about it afterward. I mean, the fact that he's right doesn't make all this right, you know? They engage in a little dick-measuring, and then Quinn gives RoboCop Dexter's name as RoboCop downs his twelfth shot since the scene began. He and Batista should go out drinking sometime.
We're back where we started, as Dexter is helping put up that canopy again as he tells us that rainbows are an illusion, which is dumb, but not as dumb as those two women from the first scene who are chatting loudly about how Harrison just had to be the one who scratched "Teddy," and then they talk about what happened to Rita and how "that boy will never be the same," like, nice to have any sympathy for a one-year-old whose mother was brutally murdered, and also you didn't seem to give two shits when it actually happened and NO ONE TALKS LIKE THAT. Dexter, who's come up fast beside them, sniffs that there's nothing wrong with his son, and it's not like I necessar
ily wanted him to kill them but maybe a "you dumb bints" would have made it remotely satisfying. You know, on second thought, killing them will be just fine. Dexter puts Harrison into the car and adorably tells him that he's sorry for ever thinking anything was wrong, and that he'll always be his son. Of course, then Harrison reaches out and scratches him, and while Dexter's "Ow!" is cute, it doesn't change the fact that that was SO PREDICTABLE, ugh.Oh, and speaking of which, Lumen gets into a cab, but the driver tells her, "Welcome to Miami," like DUN DUN DUN! Except not really, especially since she's wearing, like, a tank top instead of a parka! And I swear, if she still has that same goddamn motel room week even though she was leaving the state, supposedly never to return, I just don't even know what. But unless Jeff's cable/TV is still on the blink you won't have to hear about it. I would have liked to have my Dexter shot be with a better episode, but what can I say, every show has its duds. Thanks for reading, and see you around!
John Ramos is a writer and film producer living in Los Angeles. You can email him at couchbaron@gmail.com, follow him on Twitter at https://twitter.com/couchbaron, or get information about his most recent film "East Fifth Bliss," starring Michael C. Hall, at https://twitter.com/eastfifthbliss.
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