In the awesomest storyline of the week, Paul goes looking for Zach, because it turns out the gun that shot him was in fact the same one Mary Alice used to shoot herself at the beginning of the show. Mike knows where their son is -- as we learn, he was the accidental catalyst for the shooting itself -- but hates Paul too much to tell him that Zach is a crazy drug addict now (albeit in that TV way where his hair still looks fabulous). By episode's end, the two men have arrived at Zach's place, presumably to talk him into rehab.
Second-best, of course, goes to Gabrielle, who does more tricks than a circus pony trying to get out of having to actually talk in therapy -- per their agreement, after she nearly got herself and Carlos killed for pretending her doll was a baby, that she will stop being insane. Of course, the Grace/Princess Valerie storyline takes a hard left into Gabrielle's childhood, which even Gabi understands is about protecting children in the ways she was not protected. Touching stuff -- and handled elegantly, especially for this show -- and of course Eva Longoria knocks it out the park. I'm actually pretty impressed with the way they got us here, which is all the more impressive considering it involved magical talking doll ladies.
Bree continues to hide the facts about Keith's son Charlie, paying off his mom and even getting roped into some babysitting. Of course Keith meets Charlie in the most contrived way possible, and they instantly bond, which means nothing to Keith and everything to Bree, so she finally tells him who that little boy actually was.
Susan's got a kidney donor, but it turns out to be Dave Foley playing the typical creepy loser/stalker character he's been doing in the last few years. Apparently he's been obsessed with Susan since they were in high school together, because she was not as insufferable back then. Of course, he immediately wants to make out with her and get an apartment to her sad apartment and take creepy pictures of her from the bushes, so she has to explain that kidneys don't come with strings attached, and he ditches her, kidneyless once again. Somehow, because it's Susan, she manages to make herself the asshole in this situation.
Speaking of assholes, Lynette's mom and her new husband, racist JR Ewing, are all kinds of assholes. They bribe Lynette into posing her family for a portrait that makes it seem as though he is a part of their family -- to piss off his three other families, naturally -- and then he dies in the middle of the portrait. Since the new version of the will, in which Lynette's awful mom gets everything, doesn't go into effect until midnight, so the Scavos hold a disgusting, ghoulish night vigil with Larry Hagman's corpse on the couch. And by the day, Lynette's awful mom has become a controlling, horrible monster.
So for our first episode back, we end up with a bunch of question marks and cliffhangers and not very much else memorable, but the dialogue was clever and it's all in all an exciting return to Fairview. week: More Zach, more therapy, more kidneys, more Lynette's mom, and maybe a little Renee.
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So I wasn't around for the last time Zach showed up, when Carlos saw his wang, and maybe he already had the slicked-back hair and the limo champagne thing happening at that point, but I'm glad we only get a tiny shot of it tonight as we talk about and, perhaps, learn for the first time that Zach is now a massive cokehead whose many Noah millions have gone up his nose. And since he was already crazy and super-weird to start with, the drug thing hasn't exactly contributed value to his personality. Luckily, he is still adorable. That will help once he hits rock bottom and needs to find a new cul-de-sac of people to bother and act weird around.
Speaking of Paul Young, he is on the hunt for little Zana, because the gun that was used to shoot him the night of the riot -- and subsequently hidden in Bree's house for no good reason -- was the same gun that Mary Alice used to blow her own head off. I can't imagine what that would be like if the cops showed up with a gun that somebody used to shoot you, okay, already freaky, and then you saw the gun and you're like, "Right, that's the same weapon my wife used to shoot herself in the head after being blackmailed for murdering the mother of our son, from whom we stole him." Goosebumps, am I right?
So Paul goes to see Mike, who is looking very muscled today, and Mike tells him to fuck off and the usual Mike gruff stuff, and Paul's like, "Listen, our son is in trouble. His mansion is in foreclosure, he's shooting people with his mom's suicide gun..." Mike pretends he doesn't know where Zach is (somewhere in Idaho) but of course he does (somewhere in Fairview, duh). And so Paul runs off to be weird somewhere else but not talk to Beth, Beth whom we miss. (Also, this episode has zero Bob. Or Renee, unless you count this highly unlikely scenario later where Lee and Renee hang out with fucking Susan, in her squalor apartment, on purpose, as though they are friends.)
Mike calls Zach, but Zach is crashed out on the couch in a sad little split-level duplex you wouldn't even want Susan Delfino to have to live in, vertical blinds, the whole thing. But it's odd, because he's a cokehead and there's like five rails on the table beside him but instead of snorting them or acting very lively, he just kind of drools and refuses to answer the phone. Dana! The only upside of a speed addiction is that your place will be sparkling. You are doing this wrong.
"It doesn't matter where we're going, it doesn't matter how quickly we try to get there, it doesn't matter that we never look back. The past we left behind will still find a way to catch up to us." Pithy, no? Mary Alice Young, my friend, is dust in the wind. (Literally.)
Wait, wasn't that actually a story on this show? Didn't like Edie Britt get somebody's ashes in her face? Perhaps a canoe was involved? No, it was Martha's ashes and she threw them in Susan's face, and that was before we really understood how horrible Susan was, so it seemed like Edie was the bad guy. When in fact, Edie was not such a bad guy at all, really. And then later it was Edie's ashes.
Every time I think of some hack story or stupid joke or Muppet Show scenario and it's like, "That would be perfect for Desperate Housewives" inevitably you then go, "...Aaaaand they did it in Season Two. And again last year. Without making reference to the time, because they don't remember things like that on this show."
So dumb Keith brings a big old greasy pizza to Bree's house, because she's making a special meal of grilled salmon, which is delicious, and but really because he is trash. Just trashy old trash with a pretty face. He tries to force-feed her some pizza, because they have finally adjusted to the fact that this is their entire relationship: Just the spaghetti-sucking scene from Lady & The Tramp, on a five-minute loop, for the rest of their miserable lives:
Bree: "Would you like some of my haute cuisine?"
Keith: "No thank you, I prefer to eat garbage. Resentfully."
Bree: "That makes me feel superior to you, which is a turn on."
Keith: "Getting patronized by an old lady with a stretched rubber face makes me feel degraded, which is a turn on. I'm sort of a misogynist."
Bree: "Me too, but that's not why I'm so into you. You're such a young buck, with your vibrant sexuality! I am overwhelmed by passion!"
Keith: "Really? Because I'm forty years old and chock full of beer farts."
Bree: "Do not interrupt my total fabrication of our life together!"
Keith: "Okay, but eat this pizza, it makes me feel like I'm corrupting you on some level. It's kind of like fucking Queen Elizabeth."
Bree: "And sleeping with you is like getting gang-banged by the Outsiders!"
Keith: "I am older than all of them put together."
Bree: "But at least you're blue-collar white trash!"
Keith: "No, my dad was in the military and my mom is a gifted physician."
Bree: "We make no sense! This storyline is idiotic!"
Keith: "Are you calling me stupid?"
Bree: "With absolutely every word that comes out of my mouth."
Beautiful babymama Amber, whose eyes really are that color, shows up with some sad story about how that check Bree wrote her last time will take five days to clear. Which is a hassle, but also remember that Amber thinks that Keith is not interested in Charlie, so Bree is actually working both of their asses and throwing money at it. Amber would like her payoff in the form of a cashier's check, please, so that she can pay some bills immediately, for which Bree is totally down, and they agree to meet at "a restaurant" across the street from "the bank" -- Amber immediately knows which one Bree is talking about, because there is only one bank in all of Fairview -- tomorrow afternoon.
Amber also gives Bree a 5x9 of Charlie, which if this situation were actually playing out the way Bree's made her think it is, would be a totally manipulative move: "That kid Keith is not interested in learning about or meeting? Here's a big old picture of him." But since this show is committed to doing as little as possible with its resources, it's really just a prop for the last act and doesn't actually signify much of anything.
And now it's time to play Who's Oppressing Susan Delfino? with your host, Susan Delfino. Turns out even if you're Susan Delfino, you still have to get on a donor list. We learn that there's not really a single-file numeric order in which kidney orders are filled -- it's just whoever has seniority and is a DNA match for a given kidney. But yeah, three or four years probably. Susan, of course, behaves as though this is somehow the doctor fucking her over, but shocker there.
So Susan wanders out into the hallway and Dave Foley is there -- a pharm rep, because most pharm reps look like Dave Foley and not stripper librarians -- and it turns out that they went to high school with her and is obsessed with her and tried to friend her on Facebook like twelve times. This is Susan's response to his needy but brief hello: "I need a kidney transplant. I'm gonna be spending the three to four years on dialysis three times a week, five hours a day. See you at the reunion... If I'm still alive!"
Sometimes I hate Susan so much that it turns into admiration. On the other hand, we here at TWoP Labs have been doing a lot of research into whether Teri Hatcher knows or not. And based on this scene, I'm happy to say with cautious optimism that Teri Hatcher totally knows. Which makes Susan cooler, in a way. Not vastly, but it's at least funny to think about Teri Hatcher getting a script and being like, "Susan, for real?"
Racist Frank is all about sticking it to his three families by pretending that all is blissful with the Scavos. Because if ever you wanted a bunch of people on your Christmas cards, it's definitely them. He has given Lynette's horrible mom a bunch of jewelry from various ex- and dead wives, and now wants to take a family portrait. I think all these old people live in a home or something, because one of the wives also lives there -- and gives mom mighty stink-eyes throughout -- and they want to do the portrait at wherever it is they live. That part was a little confusing but possibly I wasn't just paying attention, because they are two of the grossest old people in history.
Lynette is not interested in schlepping her brood all over town just so that this guy can pretend he has a fourth family, but of course mom is like, "You signed on for my prostitution scheme where his dicky ticker means I get millions of dollars, remember?" Which is one of the dumbest parts of this whole episode, because there was that whole thing at the church where the mom was like, "I'm only pretending to prostitute myself to this awful old codger, because in fact I do care for him." But no, we're back to square one where she's just being mercenary and gross and he's rewriting his will and it goes into effect at the most inconvenient possible time and the usual stuff with this kind of story.
Frank offers Lynette cold hard cash to get this done for him, because that's the actual point of this story: Money changes people and changes relationships and Frank is used to throwing money at problems and making people, such as Lynette's mom, pretend to love him. So Lynette resists, of course, due to her come-and-go moral stances, but eventually gives in because of same.
Gabrielle is at her therapist's office telling a story about having sex with Mick Jagger and whatever, and at some point interrupts herself to ask for a glass of wine. "A few glasses, and you'd have your patients whining about how daddy didn't love 'em in half the time!" Which is funny, and also a little true, but don't say that kind of thing to a therapist unless you want them to ask questions. Gabs admits that her mom remarried after her dad died, which is the danger zone and the therapist can obviously tell, so then Gabi turns into a human cyclone of Mick Jagger sex stories and craziness, running around the room like Zach on a coke bender, like Lynette on Adderall, and so of course the therapist is like, "I see we have things to discuss."
"Well, that's the thing about me: There is no 'deeper.' Ask any of my friends. I'm the shallowest person they know! I'm just skin, a little blood, and stories about Keith Richards drinking out of my shoes!" Doc's not buying it, and she's like, "Don't be scared, this is how therapy works." Gabi stares for a second and then bounces, and even though it's totally obvious what's going on, it's also really rough because you see the entire story of this season reforming itself around the whole idea of her abuse: The lost daughter, the inner child, the myth of Princess Valerie, her inability to protect children or truly love them. It's sort of epic and really kind of impressive, and of course Gabrielle is about this close to leaving the state altogether under an assumed name rather than talk about it, which is how you know it's working.
Gabrielle comes home giddy as a kite about how great therapy is -- "It's like a talk show, where I'm the guest and the only topic is me!" -- which, talk to Susan because that's every day of her life. Also, it is clear that she has no intention of going back to therapy and definitely has some selfish nutty plan about how to use fake therapy to luxuriate in the mess of her mental chaos somehow. Carlos asks if she got to talking about the doll and how psycho she's been acting and how she nearly got them killed last time by the carjackers, and she's all, "That is confidential! First rule of therapy. Actually, first rule of therapy is no wine, But I'm gonna change that."
Which is an awesome line, delivered awesomely, but first let's get logistics out of the way: If Carlos is forcing her to go to therapy, she's going to go three times a week, and those three days a week are going to wreck his life. Mondays he has to do carpool, Thursdays Juanita has ballet (imagine!) so he has to cancel his work-related golf games, and then this particular Friday Gabi's got a gyno appointment. He throws up his hands about the idea of doing that on her behalf, and she laughs and just says he needs to reschedule it for her, and then adorably over her shoulder: "Wouldn't that be great, though?" Which for this show is practically a feminist statement, despite the fact that none of that made any sense at all.
Bree meets Amber and Charlie at the "restaurant" across from the "bank" -- it's a pizza joint, note -- and Charlie's being obstinate, and so Amber's like, "While I cash this cashier's check you had no reason to give me at all, could you also babysit Charlie for no reason at all?" Bree -- whose former parental Greatest Hits include Sociopathic Andrew and Trashbox Danielle -- stares at her new charge and he stares right back at her and he's like, "I am going to go play video games because you are clearly the worst," and she pretends like that's a bad thing she doesn't have to deal with Charlie.
Susan's kidney beeper has gone off! What will she complain about now? But wait, because guess what, it's Dave Foley who has decided to give her a kidney of love. Because it's Susan, she does not connect the dots in any way and just acts vaguely put out because it is a "man kidney," and then put out that Dave Foley is making her feel beholden, and all of this. Finally he goes, "So what's a guy gotta do to get a hug? Give you a lung?" and instead of turning around and proceeding the hell out of there, she gives him the hug -- "Oh, come here, you!" -- and he smells her hair, and you can see the entire storyline from here.
Keith was driving his truck to Mrs. Goodman's house to install her screen door, but he drove past the "bank" and saw Bree's car outside the "restaurant" and came inside to have a ludicrous gloat about how Bree is addicted to pizza now. She's like, "This is the stupidest thing you've ever said, but also, please don't notice the small bastard I'm babysitting at this pizza joint." Of course, Charlie comes running up demanding more quarters -- the only thing more hateful on this show than the grownups, inevitably, is the children -- and Keith gives him quarters and then they go play basketball together and fall in father/son love immediately and Bree just stands there wishing her tear ducts still worked and feeling like the gross troll she's totally being about this whole situation.
Frank and mom drive up in a Bentley, which of course impresses Tom and of course is like the most typical shitty thing, in Lynette's opinion, and then they come in for this joke of a family portrait and he says some racist shit and then calls the twins Cagney and Lacey and makes them help him rearrange the furniture so that the Scavo palace will look less grody. Tom sets up the camera -- "Everybody smile and say Bentley!" -- and then Frank is dead. "Of course he is," Lynette grumbles in the exact same tone, because this is also the most typical shitty thing Frank could pull.
Everybody stares at the corpse and Teeny or whatever her name is worries that his ghost will be trapped in their house forever, and Tom also is scared by this concept because he is a little bit retarded, and they send all the kids upstairs, including Tom. Mom, of course, is only stressed out because the new will goes into effect at midnight, so they have to wait and just let the corpse hang out on the couch until the morning. Which is by far the dumbest thing in a while, and I'm including Screamin' Meemie's Dolls & Preemies when I say this. Lynette takes a moral stance and then Mom starts in with this bewitchery about "College tuition... Braces..." So Lynette doesn't call the coroner and they all settle in to hang out with JR's dead body all night, because sure.
Turns out that Mike went to see old Zach a while back and he was clearly on drugs and clearly people had taken much advantage of him and now he was poor. Mike admitted that he and Susan were having Alaska-type problems and had to rent out their house, because have you heard, but kind of skirts the issue of how he's only there to get money out of his millionaire biological son. Of course, once Zach heard who was renting the house, he went ballistic because he -- just like everybody else on this show -- hates Paul Young to an irrational degree, and so he threw Mike out the house to do a bunch of drugs and get a plan together to murder Paul Young.
And only because Paul Young literally came to him and said, "Our son shot me with his mother's suicide gun" did Mike put this together, because no matter how many muscles he has, he's still the sort of person that would marry Susan Delfino and thus cannot be trusted to figure shit out. Maybe Zach will attack him with the knife Mary Alice used to kill Deirdre, and he can fight back with the toaster Paul used to kill Martha, and then they can go after Susan with the measuring cup she used to burn down Edie's house, and this whole show can disappear up its own rectum once again. I'm just glad we're focusing only on episodes of this show I've actually seen, I mean, what better time to start writing about this show than in Season Seven, where we pretend that Torchwood and Katherine and Adriana and Rita Dexter and the Applewhites and Orson's stabby exes and Rex's hot-ass son -- all the things I'm not totally clear on -- never existed.
Tom's staring at the dead body on the couch, which is literally draped in a sheet like these people weren't already the ghoulishest, and then Lynette comes up behind him moaning Tommm and he screams and jumps and it's funny, and they talk about how JR had nine kids and 14 grandchildren, and everybody hated him because he was truly an awful person and bought his families at a discount with his Ewing millions, and Tom gets all deep about how "the tricky thing about money" is that it changes people and relationships. (Which is not actually true, unless you're awful to start with, which this show assumes everybody is.) Lynette gets all existential for a second about how you can't take it with you, and then does a corpse puppet show to creep out her husband, because even the best people on this show are still the worst people comparatively.
Carlos figures out like immediately that Gabrielle has traded the talking cure for other kinds of therapy -- massage, aroma -- and so he goes on down to the spa and puts his blind-masseur training into effect for a second, just enough to hurt his wife physically, before additionally spanking her for being naughty, and it's so gross. Gabi says that the spa treatments are just as therapeutic, blah blah, but he says her crazy is not the usual kind of crazy and that there is something going on inside her that is no good, and then orders her out into the car, and does the whole alpha male thing he always does, and she acts like a creepy little girl some more, and ugh.
The coroners show up in the morning Chez Scavo and since Lynette's mother is a licensed medical professional they just take her word for it as far as time of death. No need for an autopsy or whatever, let's just say he died on the couch at three AM and not like ten hours prior to that. Either this is the show being stupid as usual, or mom's going to end up not getting the money, either way it's totally obvious and dumb and exactly how this storyline always goes. Those are the two options, either mom's going to become a money-controlling manipulator animated purely by her loneliness, or she's going to end up a financial burden once again, and I'm thinking actually it will be both. Meantime, everybody wants laptops and motorcycles and Tom wants the Bentley and Lynette acts like she's totally above it, as usual, even though she's the most complicit person in the entire situation, as usual.
Mike goes to see Zach again, now that he's remembered how he totally sent Zach to kill Paul, and in like one second Zach's like, "Oh, yeah! I totally shot Paul. It was awesome!" Mike's like, "Sometimes when we're crazy on drugs, we do things like shoot our adoptive/kidnapper parents." Zach goes full Intervention on his ass, all, "I don't even know what drugs are! You're being crazy! Get out so I can do some drugs!" Mike wants to put him in rehab, but Zach is A) An addict and B) Thinks that would make it easier for Paul to find him and exact revenge, either by sending him to jail or stabbing or toastering him. Mostly A.
So after Zach does some creative reinvention as far as how he ended up in Mary Alice and Paul's care, which was just odd that he would be deluded about how all that went down since it's the only thing that ever happened to him, Mike leaves again to brood some more while Zach does a bunch more drugs. It's so funny that they've hit the ceiling on the normal amount of Zach crazy and now it's like the only way to make him crazier is to add drugs to the mix. But it's also not that funny, because his biological parents were huge drug addicts and now he is one too, which is nature/nurture nastiness that is so characteristic of this show. Like, of course he's a drug addict, and that's why you should never adopt a child because eventually their crackhead genes will come out.
In her disgusting sad apartment, Susan presents Dave Foley with a crystal mouse holding a crystal heart. It's about the tackiest thing you've ever seen, and of course she's like, "I looked for a crystal kidney, like the one that's being ripped out of your body!" It's grim and yucky and ever so Susan. In return, Dave Foley presents her with a scrapbook of his lifetime of stalking her, which includes photos both yearbook and surveillance, and a lock of her hair, and finally the secondary brain in her tail gets the message to her main brain that she is in a desperately Susan situation. But instead of telling him this is a terrible idea, she just lets him scoot closer and closer on the couch and refuses to tell him about her giant sexy husband or their awful son, because it's rare that Susan gets to be a martyr and use people's feelings against them at the same time, so this is like Susan heaven.
Lynette's mom has spent all day throwing money around and buying people's affection and now the hammer's coming down and she's like, "You will come to dinner on Sunday despite your inordinately large family's other commitments. You will wear this ridiculous necklace, which cost exactly $2200, which I don't mind telling you. You will dress up for dinner, and you will wait on me hand and foot. Money will make up for the fact that I am completely unlovable, and you will pretend to love me. If you do not do these things, I will transfer my soul-sucking money-hungry grotesquerie to one of your sisters." Lynette, first she's like this and then, once again, she's like that. Meanwhile, Bree finally hands over the picture of Charlie, and Keith's like, "Babe, why are you giving me pictures of little kids?" and she tells him who Charlie is. And it's weird, because this whole episode, all five storylines, are like this: You get to the point where the episode is actually starting, and then it turns out the episode is over. They're not cliffhangers so much as an epic exercise in throat-clearing. It's like a series of webisodes designed to get you pumped for week, it's the weirdest thing. If I hadn't been watching the clock, I would have assumed we were nearing the end of the first act and not the end of the episode, because a bunch of shit has happened but nothing's really happened yet.
So Renee and Lee are hanging out at Susan's abode, like how you do, and they're drinking white wine and she's drinking whatever Muggle shit Susan drinks because of her inner deformations, and you can actually hear her lying to herself: "I barely remember him. Monroe is just doing this incredibly selfless act of charity. It's inspiring!" Which, props for at least making her crappy internal monologue make sense this time. Usually with Susan you feel like one of the doctors on House, going, "Something is super-wrong with you, but I can't quite figure out what it is." But here it's the one authentic thing about Susan, which is that she is more into fairytales than anybody on earth, and she will cram reality into whatever shape is necessary to preserve her inner narrative. So yeah, it's not that he's in stalker love with her, it's just this amazing manna from heaven. Which fits perfectly into her story where she is a saint worthy of miracles happening to her on the reg, as long as she doesn't admit she's being bitchy cheerleader Susan -- but instead of doing her homework, it's filtering her filthy, filthy blood.
Of course Lee and Renee immediately sniff out the horrifying scrapbook, which tears that whole lie into pieces, and there's some awesome dialogue. First, Renee's like, "This is shocking! Not because of the stalking but because you used to be cute." Then we get another reference to Lee's own personal stalking of Ryan Seacrest, always funny I guess. Then Renee and Lee go, "It's like the part of the movie when they go to the guy's basement and find the candles in front of the picture of the woman he's gonna kill!" Susan admits he's a little bit stalkery, but that anyway stalkers are often misunderstood, and then they find the lock of hair and they're like, "Girl, you are pulling a total Susan Delfino right now."
Gabs pulls every trick in the book on the way to the therapist's office, spread-eagling like Sylvester the Cat and pretending she's got a fever and pretending she's going to pee or throw up, and eventually she gets away long enough to hit the bathroom, hilariously tosses her coffee cup against the wall and then pries the window open with a nail file. Of course, Carlos is already on the fire escape when she gets out there, and she lays it on the line for him: "Look. You want me take pills, I will take them. You want me to see a hypnotist? Bring him to the house. Hell, I'll even let you hire a priest to do an exorcism. But what I am not going to do is talk to that woman in there... Because she wants to talk about my childhood!"
To his credit, Carlos shuts the hell up and you can see him going, "Gotcha." After a minute, and in a much softer voice, he asks permission to speak and then reminds his wife that she was able to talk to him about it, when they got married. And that he's been respecting her wishes to avoid the topic of her childhood ever since, but isn't interested in playing around with the idea that it's not still totally screwing her up. "You think that you've left it behind, but you haven't, Gaby. You carry that burden around with you." Which is what therapy is about, which is why it's terrifying. The terrifying idea of letting go. Much braver now, she sweetly asks if he'll come with, and they head inside, and she explains to the therapist how Grace and Princess Valerie were not about motherhood at all, but protecting children, and then starts to tell her story. You could have knocked me over. They did that so well! Well done, show.
Mike comes to get Paul, who's justifiably wary, and he's like, "The reason I didn't tell you where he was before is I didn't know what you wanted to do to him. But whatever it is, it can't be worse than what he's doing to himself." Paul pretends he doesn't care because of how the kid shot him, but Mike just looks him in the eye: "He's your son. He's my son. He needs our help." So they head over there, but first they make out a little bit in the pickup truck. It's a time of heightened emotion for everybody.
Dave Foley will be leasing an apartment close to Susan's sad, sad apartment, thank you very much. Susan gets one very awesome line -- "Here's the thing about that. There's close, and then there's Glenn Close" -- and she calls him a stalker, then invites him into her home so that he can murder her and wear her clothes. She shows him a picture of Clan Delfino and notes the lack of negative space around them: "I want you to see that there isn't room for anyone else in that picture." So now that everything's on the table, we can just forget this whole insane sad plan, right?
Come on. Have you met Susan? Of course she's like, "I don't approve of your life, and frankly I wish I didn't know you, because you are lame and sucky and I don't even remember you from high school, and you are a pathetic doughy stalker. But the tricky part is," she literally says, "I still need your kidney. So how about you give me your kidney, and then we never talk again and you just go die in a hole somewhere?" Dave Foley is like, "That plan sounds shitty," and Susan's all, "Can't blame a girl for trying! You have no idea the depths to which I will casually sink."
Dave Foley starts crying about how pathetic this whole charade was, and she pats his arm awkwardly from across the room and waits for him to leave, and it's hilariously awkward. But still much cooler than the usual Susan move, which would be to wait until the kidney was safely inside her arid abdomen and then call the cops on him. (Although what if he shows up in the third act still crazy and tries to murder everybody? That would he so freakin' great. I forgot how much I loved Dave Foley until the Mayor's Wife on Death Comes To Town, which was one of his best performances I can think of in his whole career, seriously; it's worth watching that series just for her.)
And that's about it. Mary Alice never really figured out what she was talking about this week, but since this whole episode is an appetizer anyway, it doesn't matter: Bree's still staring at Keith having once again gone over his head, Keith's still staring at the Charlie picture wondering how babies are made, Paul and Mike are still holding hands outside their son's apartment, Susan is still deformed inside and whining about dialysis, Lynette's mom is still a nasty ham-beast, Tom is still looking for some magic beans he left somewhere, Renee and the Gays are still fabulously superfluous, the twins are still a little hot and a little gay, Andrew's still missing even though he lives two houses down, Felicia and Beth are still hearing voices in their heads, Julie is still far far away from her dumb mom, Zach is still growing up quite healthy despite his coke addiction, Hydrangea Circle is still stockpiling nuclear weaponry, and Mary Alice is still a smug asshole.
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