Lynette's feeling weird about her kids growing up -- despite also managing to babysit Susan while she's babysitting and more than likely killing Paige before she outgrows all her onesies -- which causes Tom to baby-talk at her and then bone her on the nursery floor. Where of course Susan catches them and sees Tom's gigantic penis.
Yes, this is actually a storyline: Susan's obsession with the gigantic penis of "Tommy Tripod" which is what she calls him now, because she is the fucking worst. You can fill in the blanks yourself, actually, because there's nothing new here and it's just so barfy, and somehow Tom still manages to turn this into a self-esteem thing and feel sorry for himself and be a huge tampon about it, because have you met Tom?
Once Carmen explains that Gabrielle is a terrible mother and saving Grace from her is more than enough reason to go on the lam forever, Gabby calls the INS on Carmen. Then she has some kind of goddamn stroke and dresses up like a cleaning lady so the immigration officers will take her instead, and it's so stupid. Anyway -- after all that! -- Grace and Carmen finally run away to Texas. Presumably it is at this point Gabby buckles Juanita and the other one in real good and then drives her car into a lake.
The McCluskeys are sexual freaks, which is another thing we don't need to talk about. Susan and Renee decide to go to dinner, like a pair of assholes, because nobody else will have them, but since aggressively shitty Susan beefs up Renee's awesome a great deal by comparison, their conversation is kind of sparklingly weird: Apparently Renee cries, all alone, because she is still in love with Tom Scavo's gigantic penis. Susan being a contagious fuckup, Patient Zero of all Ruinings, she urges Renee to go for it and only then figures out that it's Tom they're talking about. Meanwhile Lynette has a literal cry into her pillow about how amazing Tom is and how she doesn't deserve him, because apparently she's been snorting the old China Pearl and thinks we live in Opposite World.
Bree dresses her child boyfriend up like a Jersey thug, but that still doesn't keep her safe from the intense sexual charisma of his couch-surfing dad, because what's the point of having John Schneider on your show unless he is there to be white hot sexy all over everybody. Bree fails to set him up with Libby from Lost, who is annoying and creepy and icky all at the same time, but at least derails Derek's stupid plan to extend the futility of his relationship with Bree into a doomed horrific matrimony. Then comes the full-court press from Dad, who's rocking some kind of Lewis Carroll molester haircut and still manages to be 50 times hotter than everybody, even Carlos.
Anyway, by the end of the episode suddenly Wisteria Lane is a hotbed of paranoia and infighting because it's all part of Paul's sexy, creepy plan to blow up Wisteria Lane or turn it into a labor camp or whatever, it's all just the step in his evil plan to [don't even worry about it] so that he can build The Second Chance Community Correctional Center. Which I guess is a halfway house? And somehow this will destroy everybody? Maybe it's a halfway house... for serial killers! Fingers crossed.
Watch the episode below, discuss it in our forums, then see last season's most outlandish moments.
Want to immediately access TWoP content no matter where you are online? Download the free TWoP toolbar for your web browser. Already have a customized toolbar? Then just add our free toolbar app to get updated on our content as soon it's published.
Somehow Susan taking Paige to the park for a half-hour involves Lynette tying Susan's shoes for her and making sure all the necessities are involved. Again, I must ask how putting your child in Susan's hands is not only foolhardy but, as we see, pretty much a duplication (if not exponential increase) of effort. Lynette heads upstairs to cry over the onesies that Paige has outgrown, which I guess was her plan all along, and Tom helpfully suggests starving their daughter until she fits back into the clothes of a much younger woman. Because that works so well for Teri Hatcher.
Bored of talking about their children or anything besides his chronic inability to find gainful employment, Tom Scavo tosses his wife manfully to the nursery floor -- "In front of Peter Pan?" she asks, and "He had to grow up sometime," Tom answers -- so they can have some sex. For the first time in the history of this show, though, it will not result in Lynette shitting out more ginger spice thanks our little friend Tubal Ligation. (Did we know that? Was this during the five-year jump?) I've always thought the actor of Tom was a very attractive man, but for some reason the concept of Tom Scavo fucking? Still makes me want to hurl.
And yeah, my innocence is less endangered than Peter Pan's. But you know whose isn't? That eternal innocent Susan Delfino, whose goldfish brain rediscovers sex only when it's happening. Having misplaced Paige, or a toy, or her mind, somewhere between this paragraph and the one directly above, Susan comes bumbling into the Scavo sex and screams, "I forgot Paige's doll! I'll tell her it's dead!" she screams, and runs off down the stairs and down the street and out of her clothes and into a beartrap and out of the beartrap and into an open-casket funeral for a doll.
Mary Alice starts off on this tangent about broccoli but ends up in this super weird, Monsters Are Due On Maple Street kind of Red Scare Paranoia thing that is, no doubt, the reason Republicans love this show so much. That and the Mexican jokes. "It's a question we all ask ourselves: Do I trust the folks who live door? Can I count on the woman who lives down the block?"
That is not, Mary Alice, a question or set of questions that "we" all ask ourselves, with any frequency really at all. I understand that, as a murderess and kidnapper and wife of a lunatic and victim of blackmail and chopper-up of toy box-crammed corpses and associate of drug addicts you might think that this is healthy paranoia but it's really not. Not even with Paul Young's spicy self buying up all the property like we're on Park Place do those questions really count. This sort of thinking is how somebody like Bree ends up with guns.
Paul is intimidating some old dude into selling him his house, so that he can own all the houses, for reasons we've been waiting awhile to find out about and this week, having found, can only offer a: Hmm? I don't want to ruin the surprise, but apparently Paul's version of evil retribution for the imaginary slights of Wisteria Lane is to lower their property values, with complete transparency. Devious! He tells the dude that Wisteria Lane will soon be unrecognizable, due to his evil plans, and then runs outside to tell the gay one that he's almost got his quota of houses. Maybe he will combine all the houses into a superhouse, a Voltronhouse, and then it will rise up into the air and step on everybody, like a tornado plane crash sent to kill only one nameless old person.
Susan manages to make the awkwardness more awkward by making a big fucking deal about it every time she enters a room or opens a door in the Scavo residence. This is annoying for the Scavos, but I think mostly in a "stop poking my bruise" kind of way. Like, fucking move on. Screaming your name at the top of your lungs while Frankensteining your arms out and flailing at the air like Audrey Hepburn in Wait Until Dark is like getting a tattoo of Remember when I saw you boning? on your Botoxed forehead.
Tom offers to watch Susan fuck Mike, if that will make her feel better, but of course just saying Mike's name means she starts taking any pills she can find to end her suffering, and the second Tom leaves the room Susan starts screaming about his dick. Apparently his dick is huge. I don't understand why freaky large penises are so exciting for everybody. I find gigantic penises annoying, that's how I feel about them. It's the difference between an extra slice of pizza, which is an exciting surprise, and having to deal with an entire second pizza, which is just exhausting.
Of course Susan's all excited about it because she's a gross individual, so she runs around the kitchen calling Tom "Tommy Tripod" (barf) and saying that everybody always thought he was a quote "button-on-a-fur-coat" kind of guy. BARF. Also barf. Again, barf. Lynette's like, "What do I care if people think Tom has a small dick?" And Tom, who is obviously standing about six inches away in the hallway, finds a way to be offended by this. And you can see the whole storyline from here, can't you? The recriminations, the whining, the Tom Scavo of it all. And if you think about it, you know Lynette's going to somehow end up being the bad guy here, and apologize to him like she always does despite the fact that he's more useless than a dick on a fur coat.
Carmen's on her way to Texas to wait for her husband to bust across the border and rejoin them, so of course Gabby has to artlessly turn the conversation into Mach 5 horrible as quickly as possible. It starts out strong, with the suggestion that Grace stick around and finish out the school year, and then before you know it Gabby's calling Carmen a child-abusing fugitive and Carmen's pointing out that Gabrielle is the worst parent in existence. She even talks shit about Juanita, which is not okay, but winds up on this hot little exit line: "If a life of running and hiding keeps that from happening to Grace, then that's what I'll do." Girl, take Juanita with you! Gabrielle is shitty right now!
McCluskey and her mysterious husband were doing sex positions and there was an injury, so instead of talking about that we're going to skip forward to the sign in the yard of one of Paul's acquisitions, which gets McCluskey all in a bedazzled-sweater uproar: SECOND CHANCE Community Correctional Center, Coming Soon!
The ladies assemble and Lynette's all, "You mean like a jail?" Alfre Woodard is like, "Don't even try it. That will not work out well for you." Bree is horrified when McCluskey explains that actually the city called it "transitional housing" for felons under house arrest. A halfway house! For convicts! Everybody shits a brick despite the fact that half of them are currently married to, or have been married to, convicts. These people's husbands go to jail at a constant rate. Susan will probably fall in love with all of them.
Paul appears in a puff of bats' wings and gives them a crazy speech in the manner of his departed wife about nothing much. "The day I was released from prison I felt so blessed. I knew that I was coming home to the loving embrace of this beautiful neighborhood. And most inmates, when they're released, don't have that kind of support. Most of them are isolated, which leads them to commit more crimes. Bringing them to a place like this, where they can interact with folks like you, might just keep a few of them from making that unfortunate choice... In a way, this halfway house will be a testament to how I feel about each and every one of you."
I mean, it's quite threatening and all, but what did he actually say? Nice things, cancelled out by other nice things, with an air of menace. Paul Young does everything with an air of menace. It's half the reason his double-agent mail-order bride was able to resist his intense sexual charisma for so long: The whole serial killer vibe. He's got a cordless drill and epaulets on his Members Only-style windbreaker, and somehow both of those normal things are sinister when it's him.
McCluskey is not interested in spending her golden years borrowing sugar from drug dealers and rapists. "I'm all for charity," Bree lies, "But our neighborhood can't handle something like this." Paul's last line here is a beautiful indictment, because even though they're technically right -- because he is a villain -- they are coming off like total a-holes: "Apparently, I have more faith in you people than you do." And with that he swings back onto his skeleton horse and takes off into the blood-red moonlight.
Susan wanders -- literally just wanders -- into Renee's house, where she's histrionically screeching sobs into the couch cushions like she's having a psychotic break* while "One Last Bell To Answer" plays on the hi-fi. Susan reminds herself to stop fucking walking into places without knocking, but you know that won't last. Apparently Renee's birthday card got delivered to Lynette's house, and part of Susan's job as Lynette's maidservant involves delivering people's mail now, so she just came by. But it's not actually a birthday card, it's a dentist reminder, so that's depressing. Even more depressing? Susan offers to take her to dinner to celebrate her birthday. Most depressing of all? Renee agrees.
*(Wait for it, because as it turns out what's going on with Renee is that she is having a goddamned psychotic break.)
Asshole Gabrielle goes to Bob's house to ask his legal permission to call Immigration on Carmen so she can steal Grace from her mother and dress her up like a little dolly and drive Juanita all the way to Columbine in a single stroke. Bob is still capable of being shocked by Gabrielle's insanity and soulless monstrosity, so he tells her that there's a place in hell for people like Gabrielle who call Immigration on people like Carmen to steal kids like Grace. (He has cracked her code, I see.)
Bob sits still while she makes some racist jokes and then takes off with a stern reminder to act like a fucking human being. The second she's home, of course, Gabby pulls out her phone. You can always tell she's going to be awful when she wears the velour track suits. There's an indirect correlation between Gabby being awesome and how much track suit she's working. This one is turquoise, which is doubly hateful.
This is how people talk, regular Americans like you and me, every single night of the week and at least sixty times a week on this show: "What do you want for dinner? Pasta? Meatloaf?" Always with the fucking meatloaf. Tom doesn't want to talk about meatloaf, he doesn't have an opinion about the meatloaf or any loaf at all, he just wants to talk about dicks, dicks, dicks. Specifically, why doesn't Lynette constantly talk about his giant, boring penis? "There's a reason they call them private parts," she says, which is as great a way to end the conversation as I can think of, but the conversation does not end.
Apparently Tom's crushes on Carlos and Mike are involved, but that gets real hairy once you think about it, so let's just say that Tom loves Carlos for his money and Mike for being, quote, a "bad-ass," and he always assumed they loved him back for his enormous penis that Lynette was always talking about. Come to find out the pantyliner that he acts like all the time is really the takeaway for most people. "Do I always have to be the joke?" (Yes. But then this show's chronic blatant misogyny kicks in, and Lynette ends up being the joke.) "The one who paid too much for the car?" (You mean the midlife crisis mobile?) "The one who cried when the cop pulled him over?" Um, YES. You are that one. That is the best description of you I have ever heard. Get your stupid giant dick out of my face.
Bree can't quit with the constant class-based undermining: Even when [Keith? Derek? David Silver? I can't ever remember; he's so hot, but this Keith is so whatever] Keith comes to the door in some kind of monochromatic Italian Gangster outfit, she goes, "I'm sorry. I was looking for my contractor boyfriend, not a... suave international spy!" Translation: I want to tell you that you look nice, but I'm prevented from doing that by your income level and the fact that I am kind of an old bitch.
Keith runs off to age a little or something, and Daddy Richard stumbles to the couch looking eminently doable. There's a funny moment where Bree goes, "Hello, Richard. Are we going to bed or getting up?" and the only way he can tell is by turning on the TV. It's cute. They're cute. They spend a long time being cute and making each other laugh with old people jokes that aren't funny. She tells him what a catch he is and how handsome he is and how sexy he is and how he was in the Army and how his wife doesn't know what she lost and just as her hand is snaking down into his trousers for some real self-esteem therapy, Keith reappears and she invites dad along on their date. Which, of course, was the latest planned spot for Keith's proposal, because the only thing Keith likes more than older ladies is almost proposing and then giving little speeches about futility to an engagement ring instead. Honestly, even Keith at this point should probably just assume she's going to get with Schneider and gracefully bow out.
Per the bylaws, Paul can't open a halfway house on the Lane without approval from the Homeowners' Association. I guess they don't know that he owns six of the fifteen houses covered by the HOA, so they think they've got him by the shorties. Except obviously he is smarter than all of these idiots put together, and anyway this whole conversation is really just a cunning trick to get us thinking about Tom's awful dick again. Specifically how even Bob -- who is gay -- would be a better choice to go threaten Paul than tiny-dicked Tom, since Mike's in Alaska and Carlos is maybe gay now. The fact that Bob has the sickest body on the show and is taller than almost the entire cast doesn't matter: He's a fag, and fags can't fight. They only slap, limp-wristed, screeching about Madonna and window treatments, and shoot those tiny purses out of their mouths.
Yeah, watch this show and then go tell your kid it gets better. And then look yourself in the mirror, because it so easily could. Be better, I mean.
So Tom has just had it. That's it. Passed over for the faggot. He hisses and whines and pisses himself and acts like a jackhole and finally Lynette's like, "Fine. Hey, everybody! Sorry about the conversation we were just having, about an issue relevant to our lives! My stupid husband needs me to tell you all about his giant penis! It is so giant!" She goes off about this for quite a while, and it's a whole Catskills thing we're not going into, and everybody is incredibly embarrassed. As everybody should be.
Gabby sends Grace to the kitchen so Immigration won't find her, and Carmen comes running out to say goodbye to Grace and beg Gabrielle to take care of her, but their goodbye scene is so heartwarming and whatever that Gabrielle's heart suddenly grows three sizes and then -- this actually happened, on TV, in 2010 C.E. -- she puts a kerchief on her head and a weird Mexican accent, and before you know it Gabrielle gets caught by the ICE. Maybe they will take her away and send back a human being.
Keith is so happy that Richard is not on their date tonight, because it means that he can propose. You know, how he does. Every single time. While he talks to the hostess about his stupid plans, Bree runs to get her man a drink at the bar and runs into Libby from Lost, who Bree met at church and who used to be fat but is now just sort of totally annoying all the time. So she screams and wobbles and acts stupid and says nothing, and then when Keith appears she thinks he's Andrew, which is embarrassing, but they bond over how Libby from Lost is now divorced while Bree is a fucker of children.
I don't even want to talk about the scene where Gabby talks to the actual emigrants who have actual problems, because the only thing worse than this show's hidebound retrograde meanness of spirit is its bouts of disingenuous cynicism, but anyway Carlos comes to get her and she is confused somehow that just because she called ICE on her own house, ICE now knows where her house is. So this little detour back to status quo has only hastened Carmen's departure. (Seriously: Take Juanita with you. That girl rules.)
So Richard shows up to Bree's date with Keith, since he's going to propose, and not only invites himself on this latest date but does it in a strikingly sleazy way that implies he's consciously trying to break them up. Like he's all, "I was just going to get takeout from this restaurant and eat it over the sink," and things of this nature. Not even trying, this guy. So of course he pulls up a chair and Keith about freaks out, so then Bree -- on some level I'm sure recognizing her susceptibility to the inexorable gravitational pull of John Schneider -- decides that now it is a double date with Libby from Lost, which I don't know if I mentioned this, but she is the fucking worst.
So the first thing she says is, "After I lost the weight I took a picture of myself naked and sent it to my ex to rub his face in it. Or to show him what he can't rub his face in, am I right?" Invite: REVOKED. Instead, Bree sort of desperately continues trying to get Richard and Libby together, a sort of any-port-in-a-storm deal since he's so close to wrecking her relationship with his utter hotness, but Libby just lines up every single one of Richard's ideals -- church, God, singing in choir, the military, values of any kind, not talking about stuff like Tom's jerkwad penis -- and mows them down with the tommygun of her aggressive suckiness.
Just when you think it can't get worse, you remember what show you're watching. Keith pulls Bree aside to tell her that this date is important, mega-important, Libby starts up screaming about "a shrimp cocktail with a puny engagement ring on the side" that has just arrived at the table. Slowly circling the drain, Keith starts pointing fingers in everybody's faces and screaming at them one by one about how they are evening ruiners and how whatever, whatever, Bree killed a puppy by being nice to his father. Stomp stomp goes the little boy, Haw haw? goes the hot dad, Fleugh fleugh goes the formerly fat ruiner named Libby from Lost, may we never see her again, and eeeerrrrrrrk goes the stretching of Bree's face as she forms an expression of... No idea what she is emoting right now.
Never thought I'd be grateful for a Susan joke, but this made me laugh really hard in a sort of Please Don't Eat The Daisies, meatloaf kind of way: "So on Sunday I make a big roast chicken, then on Monday I turn that into chicken salad, and on Tuesday chicken soup. It's amazing how you can stretch a simple chicken..." Into a 45-minute story? Hmm. Maybe this thing with Renee and Susan has some potential after all. Renee is a ballbuster, and Susan needs her balls busted on a constant basis. Maybe we can get to like an Ugly Betty place where Renee can just open-handed slap her whenever we want her to.
Susan finally admits that she walked in on Renee crying, and of course she sees everything through Lonely Miserable Shitty Susan-Vision: "Birthdays are hard, especially when you're single. But I guarantee you, you're going to meet someone. You're a very attractive woman!" Renee responds by asking the guy at the table if he's attracted to her and does he want to go out with her, and the guy immediately starts trying to come up with a way to keep his girlfriend from finding out. It's pretty fetch.
"See? I have no problem getting a guy." Susan threatens to tell her about Wednesday's potpie unless she comes clean, which is a harsh threat indeed, so Renee starts sprinkling tears everywhere and you realize that this is not a joke, or a lie, or a ruse or deception: It is actually happening. This is the literal truth of things: "Here's why I was crying. I was thinking about this great guy from my past. It was over twenty years ago, we only had one weekend together, but the way he made me feel... And the older I get I keep thinking that he was the one, and I let him slip away."
(GROSS ME OUT. I'm so sure you came back to Wisteria Lane for fucking Tom Scavo, paragon of manhood, bastion of dignity that he is. I am so sure about that.) Renee explains that there was "somebody else in the picture" in a way that makes it seem like she's talking about another guy and not Lynette, and Susan... Charges full ahead into a pep talk, because that's what it's like inside her head. It's amusing, not least because you get to see her relationship with Mike from Susan's warped perspective one more time:
"We never know what's going to happen, I mean, Mike and I had our share of setbacks. But I never gave up! I never stopped dreaming that maybe one day it would work out! And neither should you!"
What, um, what about the part where the mother of his child was murdered and his child disappeared forever and then you decided the kid was creepy? That was just one of those things? You airmailed his child to Colorado because you didn't like him, you damnable halfwit. It's not like fate kept throwing you speed bumps: You are the speed bump. Mike's life was not a journey toward you so much as it was a journey in spite of you. What, the fact that your little foray into sex work didn't save his career, too? After you spent all of his money on some weird vendetta against the very idea of Paul Young owning property? How'd that work out for you, my Little Engine That Can't Do Anything Without Ruining Lives?
But here's the psychotic break part: "You know what, Susan? I just figured out your thing. You aren't the fun one, you're the smart one." AUGH. Doesn't that make you feel like Charlie Brown being tormented by a thousand bees? The smart one. My God. If this show had a smart one they wouldn't all be constantly falling down storm drains and getting kidnapped by ecoterrorists and cutting off their own fingers and having their children delivered by the town's teen strangler, first of all, and secondly if this show were capable of having a smart one it sure as hell would not be Susan. It would be whoever stopped Susan. (Edie, and once she took the only sensible exit, Paul Young.)
Anyway. Later, Tom calls his wife "Nutcracker" because apparently doing what he whined and bitched and outright told her to do was just another way to make him a laughingstock. So on top of the whole "Susan's the smart one" debacle, you get this charming little speech of 100% bollocks straight from Lynette's gorgeous face: "Every woman on this street constantly tells me that I have the perfect husband. They do. Gaby says that she wishes Carlos was thoughtful like you, Susan wishes Mike had your sense of humor, Bree says she's never seen a better dad. How many people go up to you and tell you you have the perfect wife? Take your time... I know how our friends see us: You're the hardworking nice guy, and I am the bitch. I am the one who's constantly emasculating her husband. I'm the one who can't wait to get away from her kids and go back to work."
How is ANY of that true? I admit I haven't been watching this show regularly for the last seven years, and yeah I would say Lynette wears the pants in the family -- not that, apparently, Tom can find too many pairs that will restrain the awesome girth of his throbbing manhood without ripping from the sheer strain of it all -- but isn't that mostly due to Tom being a basket case stuck in a chronic and unending adolescence? You know what, whatever. I won't dignify it. It's not like these people are real or consistent enough that you could make a case one way or the other. Apparently now suddenly Susan's the smart one, and Lynette's the one who's insecure about the fact that her husband is so much more wonderful than her in every way.
Which abrupt rewriting of the entire structure of the universe was all Tom wanted to hear -- literally she says, "I don't want to be reminded of how much I don't deserve you," she says in literal truth -- so then he calls her "still sexy as all get-out," which is some kind of pillow talk you give an old lady. Then he fucks her from behind with his giant penis and they can hear this happen on Mars because his dick is so big it causes the whole Earth to go wobba wobba wobba when they do it, and the Martians get scared that they're going to have even more of their invisible children, but one of them heard that she got her tubes tied and somehow that makes her even more of a bitch and Tom even more wonderful.
Because she thought Susan's single mom poor-person car was a taxi, Renee flashed her tits so they wouldn't have to pay the fare. Susan drags her inside and beds her down on this gorgeous puce couch with nailhead trim and she calls Susan a dumb bitch like six times in between telling her how they are now besties, and then admits the very obvious truth that the man of her dreams and the love of her life is Tom Scavo. Susan makes a pretty funny face about this, but it's not the face I would be making, which would be one of concern that Renee is having a stroke or grand mal seizure.
"Whoa, little lady, say that last part again. I'ma need you to sit up, Renee, so I can check out those pupils. Renee, is it possible you said 'Tom Scavo' but meant somebody else? Like, anybody else? Literally? At all? Did you maybe mean the Giants' own Brian Wilson, the most perfect man on earth? Or Tim Gunn? Did you say 'Tom Scavo' when you meant to say 'Rumpelstiltskin'? I do that sometimes, say one word that sounds like another word. It's okay. Renee, talk to me. Clarify your statement. Are you in there? Renee? Can you smell toast, Renee?"
Bree heads over to comfort Keith, but all that is there is Richard and his hairdo, which is doing something crazy right now. Sort of like a Brideshead Revisited, Paul Bowles, Separate Peace kind of bi-curious curly schoolboy lean to one side. Surprise, it does not affect his total hotness. So they sit down and Richard starts with the full-court press, shit-talking his son and telling Bree to date a hot older guy, like, named Richard or something. He's a little smashed, I suppose, but honestly how is this inappropriate? Bree skedaddles like lines have been crossed, but have they? You can't honestly get that defensive about your relationship when your relationship is pretend.
Gabrielle gives Grace a goodbye speech that tries real hard to be meaningful -- "I didn't have a lot of pretty things, but I never let that stop me from going after any dream I wanted. So you remember that, okay?" -- but mostly it's just the sad music and the considerable talents of Eva Longoria that make any of this mean anything. It all feels kind of like an afterthought. Carmen apologizes for trash-talking Juanita, and they talk about how they're family forever and whatever, their kids were switched at birth, it's all very weird for them, and finally finally Carmen and Grace drive away.
Then, Eva shifts into fifth gear of acting, and it's so amazing. Carlos comes running out of nowhere to grab her because he knows she's about to launch herself after the truck and/or fall on her face, and it's all very beautifully choreographed, and then she sobs for a second and then it's a commercial break. Very well done. Very happy to see that storyline over, because for all its potential the writers mostly seemed to see it as a platform for unearned racist jokes, but still. Anything that gives Eva the chance to demonstrate her range is fine with me, even if that range is itself expressed through offensive things. She never fails to impress. Which is a lot harder to do the richer and hotter you are, if you're a woman, because... There's honestly no real reason for Eva Longoria to be as talented as she is. If she was a bad actress, her life and career wouldn't be different in any way. She's that pretty. So it gives me warm feelings when they let her fly.
Want to immediately access TWoP content no matter where you are online? Download the free TWoP toolbar for your web browser. Already have a customized toolbar? Then just add our free toolbar app to get updated on our content as soon it's published.