Jessica
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We open at the house of Maisy Gibbons, whom you may remember from the Lynette Throws Down With The Bossy, Perfect Mother at Posh Academy and Ends Up Finding Out That Ritalin Will Solve All Her Problems When She Gets In Over Her Head Trying to Prove a Point plotline. Maisy brushes her hair, as MAVO explains that Maisy spent her mornings running errands, and her evenings washing dishes and helping with her children's homework. "But her afternoons? Well, they were spent in the company...of men. Frustrated, misunderstood, lonely men, willing to pay money to feel a little less lonely. And Maisy Gibbons? Was willing to help them?" Is she, MAVO? It would be a little less confusing if you didn't end all your lines on an up note. Oh, I guess she WAS willing to help them, because it turns out that Maisy Gibbons is an, er, woman of the afternoon, so to speak. A prostitute. A hooker. A call girl. A whore.
In her bedroom...after...Maisy turns to talk to a john. As he zips his pants, he wonders if anyone else knows about "her little hobby": "Is it hard, keeping a secret like this?" Who is this guy? He's like the Barbara Walters of johns. Maisy makes the bed and explains that it would be tougher if it were just her secret. "But the way I see it, I keep the secret of every man who comes to me," she drawls. Was Maisy Southern the last time we saw her? Because this accent feels new. ["No, she wasn't, and Sharon Lawrence seems to forget from line to line whether Maisy is Southern, too." -- Wing Chun] Maisy explains that she finds keeping other people's secrets "absolutely exhilarating." She explains that, a few years ago, her husband lost his job and they had to give up their country club membership: "And then one day, one of my club friends asked why she hadn't seen me around lately. And I told her we couldn't afford it anymore. She wiped it off like it was nothing, but I saw her. With that look in her eye, that look of pity." Maisy angrily plumps one of her bed pillows. Barbara Walters offers that Maisy's friend was probably just trying to be nice, and wonders if pity is really so bad. Maisy shrugs: "When they say something, they are being supportive. But when they say nothing, it's because they think you're so far gone you're never coming back." Standing under an enormous portrait of Maisy and the entire Gibbons clan, Barbara fixes his tie. "Gotcha," he drawls. "So, a few months later, I started my little hobby, and the most wonderful thing happened. This woman's husband became one of my regulars," Maisy says. "Wow," Barbara says dryly. They're interrupted by the doorbell, and Maisy asks Barbara to go out the back. See, that's her appointment. "It's the husband of the woman I was telling you about," she says, gathering up her sheets. Man, she must have a LOT of laundry. That's one of the reasons I would make a bad whore: "Jesus. I am totally out of good sheets. Well, Barbara Walters is going to have to make do with the flannel ones with cowboys on them." ["I bet there are some johns who'd pay extra to have their 'appointments' on sheets like that." -- Wing Chun]
“ I don't know if Susan's going to pull this routine every single time she and Mike have the sex, but there is something to be said for spontaneity. Of course, with Susan, spontaneity usually leads to her face- planting into a vat of pudding, or something. ”
Down the street, Julie is piling a ton of Chinese food on a plate and announcing that she's going to eat upstairs because she's got a ton of homework. By which she means "a boy hidden up there." Susan and Mike canoodle in the background. Susan notices how much food Julie's gotten, and wonders if she's storing up for winter. "I'm just really hungry," Julie offers, then changes the subject by mentioning that she talked to Karl, and he and Brandi might break up. Susan expresses polite interest in this: "How awful," she says, and smiles. "Anyway, because of all the drama, he can't take me this weekend. I'll be home after all. Good night!" Julie says, and scampers upstairs. Upon second viewing, I realized that it's entirely possible that Karl isn't breaking up with Brandi at all -- Julie just concocted this lie so that she could be home to keep an eye on Zack. Susan's face falls. Mike looks disappointed. "Our romantic weekend's off," Susan whines, taking a seat at the kitchen table. Mike wonders if they can move it to his house. Susan doesn't want to do that. She wants to have her "things" around her. And she needs to "control the lighting." Heh. Susan smiles that she just wants it to be special. Um, but they have totally already done it, so....okay, whatever. I don't know if Susan's going to pull this "I want to plan my outfits and have my candles laid out" routine every single time they have the sex, but there is something to be said for spontaneity. Of course, with Susan, spontaneity usually leads to her face-planting into a vat of pudding, or something. Anyway, Mike is fine with waiting until weekend, and Susan thinks he's "the sweetest guy," and they kiss over their noodles and she still totally appears not to be concerned about his weird and mysterious stash of cash and guns. Soon, the making out gets both hotter and heavier and they agree that they don't think they can wait until weekend. Sadly, they can't get their schedules to line up. "Damn Karl! I'm not even married to him anymore, and he's still keeping me from having sex!" Susan says, and angrily stabs an eggroll...
...much like the one Zack is eating upstairs and no, that's not some gross euphemism, you perv. While he eats, Julie paces around and gets stressed out, what with all the concealing him from her mother that's going on. She thinks they need to tell Susan. "You can trust her, I promise," she says. Zack is worried that Julie already told Susan all about how he is allegedly a baby killer and she swears she didn't and then he gets up to go and there's all this "I don't want to cause PROBLEMS for you" blah blah blah, because Zack? Is a total drama queen. He's going! He's leaving! Don't worry about him! He'll manage somehow! No, no! He'll be fine living beneath the freeway underpass. Julie, of course, stops him and promises him not to tell. Relieved, Zack swears he'll be out of there soon. "I'll think of something, okay?" he promises her. Then they do it on her bed. Not really. She's, like, fourteen! What is wrong with you? God, that is so inappropriate.
Over at Casa KimberBree, the lady of the house is wearing a nightgown very similar to one my own mother has -- which is very motherly in that it has wide old straps and no waist and is 100% cotton and I admit I have one of these myself but I wear it only when it's five thousand degrees out and I'm home alone. KimberBree's playing solitaire and drinking a glass of wine. Rex comes home. He must have been at Maisy's for ages! "Why are you up?" he asks. KimberBree smiles that she could ask him the same question, and he snaps that he's going to bed and that he didn't ask her to wait up for him. Dude, you could at least be civil to her. You're the one who moved back in to help with the kids. I really don't think being a total asshole to their mother is going to help. KimberBree sniffs at his coat. "Were you with a woman?" she asks. Rex doesn't say anything. "Did you tell her you have a wife, or does that hinder your pickup style?" she asks, sounding reasonably peevish. Rex -- who is still wearing his wedding ring -- says that he has every right to see someone else: "Exploring options is the whole point of being separated." KimberBree sniffs that she's "not a mutual fund," but Rex suggests that she go out there and meet someone too. "I am just trying to move on with my life! It is nothing to be ashamed of!" he insists. Well, no. Except for how you're "moving on" by going to a whore. That might be something to be a leeeetle ashamed of. KimberBree gets all irritable and suggests that Rex call up "his mystery woman," and invite her over so KimberBree can "pull out the sofa bed and [Rex] can take [the mystery woman] right there!" KimberBree slides open the dining-room door and calls upstairs, very bitterly, "Andrew, Danielle! Daddy's gonna fornicate for us!" Rex snaps at her to keep it down. Staring. "Why, are you feeling ashamed?" she asks, pushing past him with her glass of wine and stomping us right into the ads. Very well-acted scene from both of them. Much as I love love love Gay Matt, I suspect that Stephen Culp is the only man on this show who can go toe to toe with La Cross.
After the break, we open with Edie knocking on Mrs. Kravitz's door. Days' worth of newspapers have piled up on her lawn. I feel like Mrs. Kravitz is someone who would have stopped the paper, even if she were just going to her sister's for a few days. But never mind that. MAVO explains that Edie was starting to worry: "Edie didn't like worrying. She felt it gave her wrinkles." Thank God she's got that "buy nine, get one free" Botox card. "So out of concern for her face? And [Mrs. Kravitz]? Edie decided to find out what? Was going on," MAVO sing-songs.
Casa Incarcerated. Gabrielle looks everywhere for Carlos's passport. She asks Yao Lin, the maid, to help her look, but Yao Lin is more interested in finding out how Gabrielle plans to pay her. "I have children!" she says. Gabrielle points out that said children are in their twenties. Yao Lin is all, "Still." So Gabrielle writes her a check for three weeks' pay in advance. Yao Lin wonders if it would be okay to call the bank. Gabrielle snaps that "people don't become poor overnight." On cue, people show up and repossess Gabrielle's Porsche. Gabrielle runs outside, horrified. She notices the neighbors staring -- you know, the ones who didn't see Miguel fall out of her bedroom window naked, or Andrew fleeing the scene of the hit and run -- and calls, "You call this a paint job? I don't want to see it again until it's perfect!" Then she and her satin pants run into the house.