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Casa D-I-V-O-R-C-E. We appear to be picking up the story about three hours after we last left off. KimberBree is reading the Bible, while MAVO blathers on and on about guilt. Apparently, KimberBree always felt guilty about something: not getting straight As, letting her boyfriend get to second base, being tardy about her thank-you notes. But that's small fry compared to concealing Andrew's hit and run. How the heck are they going to handle that? A good question, clever viewer. A good question indeed. The answer is: poorly. Danielle suggests that they go to the police and explain that the whole thing was an accident. Rex doesn't think that will fly, since Andrew was (a) drunk and (b) fled the scene of the crime like a cowardly little girl. Andrew's bright idea involves hiding out in Canada until the statue of limitations runs out. Danielle snorts that KimberBree and Rex aren't going to foot the bill while he goes "moose-hunting for seven years." That reminds me! I have to be on the lookout for my traditional Canadian Christmas gift from Wing Chun: moose tenderloin, wrapped in Canadian bacon, delivered by a Mountie wearing a hockey jersey, drinking maple syrup. ["Yes, I spoke to Gordon this week and he can't wait to see you again." -- Wing Chun] Rex points out that if Mama Solis dies, there is no statue of limitations. "Right, because then it's MURDER," Danielle yells. "Shut up!" Andrew yells back. "You shut up!" she retorts. I am going to kill someone myself in about five minutes if they don't shut it.
Andrew insists that it really was all an accident. "We have to get rid of the car," KimberBree says, in a really icy Dr. Kimberly Shaw-type voice. You know, like she's plotting something. It might involve firearms. Everyone just stares at her. She says that they can't sell it: "The police might find it, and there could be DNA." She suggests, instead, that they take it to a "bad part of town," leave it unlocked with the keys in the ignition, and then report it stolen. That way, if the police don't find it, the Van de Kamps get the insurance money, and if the cops do find it, it wasn't in their possession at the time of the accident. "Anyone could have hit Mrs. Solis," she finishes. Sigh. What I am about to say seriously hurts me way way more than it hurts you: KimberBree, that's pretty stupid. It seems smart on the outside and all, but any policeman with a brain would probably put two and two together and bust your ass. First of all, why would Andrew be in Cracktown? Okay, let's just say he was buying drugs. But what is the likelihood that someone would steal his car and then drive all the way out to the neighborhood of the dude the car was stolen from and run down some old women and then drive off? Correct answer: totally fucking low. Even if it did happen that way, why did the Van De Kamps wait until several hours after the fact to report it stolen? How did Andrew get home? Etc. etc. I say, make Andrew drive the car off a bridge at a slow speed with the windows down. He can totally swim out, and the car can sink. The end. "That sounds good!" Andrew chirps, in response to his mother's plan. "[Kimber]Bree. Are you sure?" Rex asks. KimberBree retorts that she doesn't want Andrew to spend the rest of his life in the joint: "I won't allow that." She gets up and puts her Bible away. She tells them all to wash up: "We're having pancakes for breakfast." Pancakes do solve pretty much everything, I've found.
"Wah wah this is hard, wah wah I can't do this, wah wah I got addicted to Ritalin," says Lynette to KimberBree and Susan at the park. She loves the kids, she says, but she's sorry they have her as a mother. KimberBree lies, comfortingly, and tells Lynette she's a great mother. Lynette: "Wah wah wah failure, wah wah wah humiliating." Susan and KimberBree, for their parts, are very sympathetic and understanding and supportive. KimberBree tells Lynette that she just needs to get some help, and Lynette wails that no one else seems to need any help, and Susan and KimberBree both explain that they almost went out of their minds when their kids were younger. All they did was cry! All day long! Lynette sobs that they should have told her that and sobs and sobs and sobs. "Nobody likes to admit they can't handle the pressure," says KimberBree. Susan adds that a lot of people think it's easier to keep it all in. "We should tell each other this stuuuuuuuuuff," Lynette wails. And then there is hugging. And drinking. But the drinking is only on my part.
Night on Wisteria Lane. Creepy Paul is drinking. So is Shaft. So am I, as I just mentioned. "So it was [Mrs. Kravitz] all along," Paul says. I think I speak for all of us when I say, "DUH, PAUL." Shaft agrees: "Edie didn't move in with Mrs. Kravitz until after Mary Alice got the note." OF COURSE SHE DIDN'T. Man, the two of you are dumb. "My god, we almost killed an innocent woman," Paul breathes. Yes, because of the aforementioned dumbness. Shaft reminds Paul that he doesn't do refunds, but adds that he'd be totally happy to kill Mrs. Kravitz. Paul says no, because it isn't what Mary Alice would have wanted. For future reference, and I hope y'all never need to know this, but just in case, I totally want someone to avenge my death violently. Thanks.
So Shaft leaves, and Paul goes over and beats Mrs. Kravitz to death with Mary Alice's own blender. Symbolism, ahoy. But not before Paul totally calls her on the whole blackmailing thing. Mrs. Kravitz isn't feeling real guilty about the whole situation. In fact, she says she doesn't feel bad about it at all. Not after what Mary Alice "did to that poor baby." Mrs. Kravitz explains that her idiot husband died and left her with a worthless pension, "and it's better to take money from a bad person than a good one. How was I supposed to know [Mary Alice had] shot herself?" That is a very good question. Which Paul answers by bashing Mrs. Kravitz's head in.
Meanwhile, Mike comes over to Susan's. He tells her that he knows she has a lot of questions. And he doesn't want to lose her. So she can ask him anything she wants. Anything at all. And does she? NO. BECAUSE SHE IS AN IDIOT. Instead she just says, "You just told me everything I need to know," and pulls him inside and they have sex...
...while Paul is beating the life out of Mrs. Kravitz. You know, the old sex/death thing. Yada yada yada. Death, orgasm, blah blah blah. Been there, done that, not impressed with the pretentious attempt at symbolism. So, Mrs. Kravitz is all dead and shit, so Paul wraps her up in her rag rug.
Meanwhile, Susan kisses Mike. They both still have their shirts on because no one on Wisteria Lane knows what they're doing in the sack.
KimberBree reads the Bible. She looks up at her son, who's playing his GameBoy gleefully. She looks pretty upset. Andrew does not.
Gabrielle helps Carlos with Mrs. Solis's Sponge Bath of Guilt. He kisses her, gratefully. She makes guilty faces.
Paul cleans up Mrs. Kravitz's blood with the attention to detail one might find in a second-grader's rendering of a flower. Dude, if the police come over with any kind of forensic team at all, you are totally screwed.
And finally, Lynette sleeps. On the sofa. Instead of her bed. Because she's given up on her sleep cycle entirely. She dreams that she is at the park with the children. And lo, they are well-behaved. And Mary Alice was there. And the Tin Man. And the Scarecrow. Mary Alice smiles at Lynette. Lynette kisses the baby...and we're out. Lynette, sleep in your bed time.
week: LYNETTE IS NOT WEARING THE CHOKER IN TWO OUT OF THREE SCENES IN WHICH SHE IS FEATURED IN THE PREVIEW. Repeat: we have lost the choker!