By DeAnn Welker
Let's get the most boring plot out of the way first: Bree and Orson are still on the outs. Now, he wants to kill himself. She tries to get him to want to live, but won't go so far as to tell him she loves him. Then she goes to someone's 50th wedding anniversary and tells him she wants to love him again. They kiss, and I think we're supposed to care, but we don't. Lynette and Tom, meanwhile, are still in group therapy, and Lynette still thinks the therapist thinks she's the bitch, and Tom's the teacher's pet. Tom proves her right by insisting they go to their therapist's play. She's terrible, which Lynette of course tells her, leading to a therapy breakthrough. Just as Lynette realizes she's a good therapist, she tells them to get the hell out. Apparently she can't take criticism, which is sort of ironic.
Susan befriends a stripper when she's finalizing the sale of her strip club, and inspires her to quit stripping and try to become a teacher. She works briefly for Susan, but a private school can't employ a former stripper. She thinks she might have to go back to pole-dancing, so Susan talks Mike into letting her live with them. You'd think Susan would know that having a stripper in the house is bad for your sex life. Speaking of sex lives, Ana and Danny are heating up in that department, so Gaby takes matters into her own hands. At first, after talking to Angie, she considers giving Ana birth control. But instead she bribes her to not have sex in exchange for money for modeling school and a nice apartment. Ana accepts, but soon enough is stripping down with Danny on the couch when Carlos walks in. He threatens Danny and pushes him against the wall, which Recycling Nazi Angie sees from the curb. She heads inside and threatens Carlos, then kicks the non-recycler's cans over. When Carlos and Gaby head over to apologize with cookies, they hear Nick and Angie fighting, and get wind of the fact that they've been hiding for years. It's nice to have Gaby in the thick of the storyline that matters. It's been awhile.
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Previously: Susan inherited Karl's strip club, the Double D's, and she wanted to sell. Lynette and Tom started couples therapy. Ana and Danny started dating, and Ana just wants to be a model after high school. Bree and Orson fought, because he stinks and she's a whore. But mostly because he has to ask for help with everything now that he's paralyzed.
Mary Alice Voiceover says that Orson's smiling again, which worries Bree, who's used to his mood swings: rage, anguish, depression. But the tranquility lately has made her feel something was terribly wrong. MAVO: "Sadly, she was right." Bree arrives home to find all the guys from the neighborhood (Roy, Mike and Carlos) going through all of Orson's stuff. He tells Bree he's just getting rid of stuff he doesn't need anymore. She thinks it's fine if he gets rid of his sporting equipment, but he can still use CDs and headphones. Bree accuses them all of acting like vultures -- adding that it's a good thing she came home before they picked through his closet (as she says it, Tom's coming downstairs in Orson's tuxedo behind Bree, but he sneaks back up without her ever being the wiser). The men all leave, and Bree snatches a last goody from Roy, who says, "Hey, come on, at my age, it's just a short-term loan." Bree asks Orson what's gotten into him, and he apologizes for upsetting her. He says she can keep his things or give them away; it doesn't matter. MAVO says soon enough Bree will learn why Orson's so happy: He's decided to kill himself. Title card.
MAVO: We all have a part to play in this never-ending drama we call life. Some are cast as romantic leads (Danny and Ana kiss on the street -- but, technically, they're supporting characters; you'd think MAVO would be clear on who's lead around here). Others end up playing the victim (someone -- I'm guessing Juanita -- pulls Celia's hair). And a few provide comic relief (Tom spills the contents of his briefcase all over the sidewalk). But if the drama is to be really compelling, there must be a hero and a villain. Angie's walking out of her house as MAVO finishes, so we're not clear which she is. She heads across the street and greets Mrs. Kinsky, in her bathrobe. Mrs. Kinsky (do we know her?) calls Angie the garbage police, and then Angie gives her a lecture on how easy it is to recycle. It's all very weird and aggressive over recycling. Is Angie's crime something to do with ecoterrorism? If so, that is ridiculous. ["Pollutin' da oith? Fugeddaboutit!" - Zach]
Back at home, Nick asks Angie what that was all about, and Angie scoffs, "What do you think?" He tells her she doesn't care about that stuff anymore, and she says of course she does. He says fine, but don't blow their cover. Angie wonders what she's supposed to do: stand back and watch her "defile our planet"? I have a piece of advice: Don't watch! Live your own life. Nick tells her that is exactly what she's supposed to do. Angie: "Sometimes you chain yourself to the tree, and sometimes you go after the guy with the saw. That's what Patrick used to say." Um, I'm sorry, is that not a wood house with wood floors and a wood banister you're living in, crazy tree-hugging ecoterrorist lady? Anyway, Patrick is, of course, scary Patrick Logan. Nick reminds Angie we don't talk about Patrick anymore. Angie: "I'm just saying." Nick, threateningly: "So am I."
Double D's. Karl's business partner tells Susan that once she signs, she's officially bought out of the strip club business. She hopes her share isn't in singles. Business partner gives Susan a T-shirt to remember them by. It says, "Lap dancing... It's a Grind." She'll be sure to wear it on her school field trip (or, you know, to school would be just as funny). As Susan's leaving, she sees a stripper (It's Rita! And Darla!) reading Moby Dick. After a non-joke about the title, they discuss literature and life. Susan says she's a teacher (but isn't she an assistant? Or am I forgetting a promotion?), and Stripper Rita says she thought about being a teacher, too, but her family had money problems, so here she is. Just then, a skeevy guy requests her in the VIP room. She makes it clear to Susan he's bad news by making a comment about his breath -- as if it wasn't clear by him being there in the middle of the day paying a girl for the VIP treatment. Susan tells Stripper Rita she doesn't need to keep doing this if it makes her unhappy. She says she can do anything she wants, and it's never too late to change her life. Stripper Rita is beckoned by her boss, and she thanks Susan, takes her copy of Moby Dick (she uses it to whack grabby customers), and leaves.
Couples therapy. Tom and Lynette tell Jane Leeves a story about how someone cut Tom off in traffic, and he was pissed, but when they got to the stoplight and Lynette told the guy off, Tom was all, "Sorry. She's just having a bad day." They argue about it, and Jane interrupts that Tom was driving, and whether he chose to ignore it or run the man off the road was his decision. She asks Lynette to let him be in the driver's seat, literally and figuratively. Lynette: "Bringing the score to 'Tom 4, Controlling bitch 0.' " Jane says there's no scoreboard in this room, but I'm not totally buying that based on what we've seen. Jane excuses them; in the lobby, Tom feels good but Lynette doesn't and wants to consider a different therapist. Then he has to go back in since he forgot his keys, and hears Jane talking about a dress rehearsal on the phone. He asks about it, and she tells him that she's in Antony and Cleopatra this weekend. She tells him she has a gift that she just dabbles in.
Gaby rings Angie's bell. She needs Ana to baby-sit, and she's not answering her cell. Angie invites her in, and is all casual about the fact Danny and Ana are up in his room. She says they were playing the music too loud so she asked them to close the door. She believes in saving the planet, but not preventing teenage pregnancy, I guess? Gaby's like, "Just a couple of teenagers alone with their genitals," and starts hollering for Ana, who says, "Hang on. I'm coming." Angie: "I'm sure she meant she's on her way." Ana comes out and says the way Gaby was screaming, she thought the house was on fire. She goes back to get her stuff, and Angie and Gaby discuss: Gaby's worried they're having sex, but Angie thinks they're healthy, red-blooded kids who will do whatever they're going to do. Angie suggests getting Ana birth control, but Gaby thought Juanita and Celia were enough. I find it pretty hard to believe that the girl who was using guys to get things hasn't had sex yet. I guess she was just a tease?
Hodge Home. Bree spies on Orson's computer and finds a suicide note. He wheels in and she confronts him about it, asking if it's a suicide note. He says it's more a suicide rough draft. He didn't mean for her to find out like this, but at least now they can discuss it like adults. She thinks this is his depression, and they'll get him medication. She forbids him from killing himself, and will be with him 24 hours a day if she has to. Orson: "Well, being bored to death isn't how I was planning to go..." Then he tells her he'll give her time to adjust, but it's going to happen. Couldn't he make it a murder-suicide and put them both out of our misery? Commercials.
Casa de Solis. Gaby, in a pretty red dress and matching headband, pulls a red box of condoms from a shopping bag right as Carlos walks in the room. He asks what's with the condoms, and she replies, "Calm down. They're not for you." Carlos: "Just what every man wants to hear from his wife." He tells her Ana's dating Danny, and they need to be realistic, but Carlos is all about killing Danny with his bare hands and burying him under the porch. Gaby says she thought that way at first, but Angie convinced her nature's going to take its course. Carlos thinks that's easy for Angie to say, since she has the boy, but if he knocks Ana up, who's going to end up raising the kid? Gaby thinks it will be Carlos, but he says it will be her, since he'll be in prison for killing what's buried under the porch.
Stripper Rita shows up at Susan's, calling her "Mrs. D.," which I find odd considering she worked at a place called "Double D's." It gives me the wrong mental image of what she's calling Susan. Anyway, Stripper Rita was inspired by Susan to quit her job, and she thinks it was the best thing she's ever done and Susan's her new role model (her old one, Candy, OD'ed). They hug, and Stripper Rita wonders what she does now; where she should work. Susan can't believe she quit without having a job lined up, but she doesn't want to discourage her. She asks if she's saved up, and... blank stare. Then cut to later, when Mike's wondering how she stripped for nine years and didn't save anything. Susan blames a boob job, a bad relationship, and the rising cost of glitter. Anyway, Susan has to help her, since she's the one who told her to quit her job. She didn't think she'd listen, since no one listens to her (for example, she hates Mike's shirt but he keeps wearing it). Susan says they need to find her a job, and Mike wonders what skills she has other than picking up a dollar without using her hands.
Across the room, MJ's making small talk with Stripper Rita, who's sad that she doesn't have any skills for a job. He tells her she's so pretty she could be a princess. Susan notices how smitten he is with her, and tells Mike, who replies, "He's a guy. ...And she's good with kids." It dawns on Susan that they've been looking for an assistant art teacher at the school. Mike wonders if she can handle that, and Susan says they (implying she's an assistant, too, right? Right?) glue macaroni to shoeboxes; it's not that hard. Mike wonders why that's not okay when he says it... Stripper Rita thanks MJ for cheering her up, and says he's sweet. His reply: "You can give me a bath if you want to." Heh.
Roy looks dead in a chair when Bree comes in and startles him. She asks where Orson is, since he's supposed to be watching him. Roy: "Don't worry. I stuck him in the laundry room and put a broom through his spokes." In the laundry room, Orson's reading a magazine and calmly asks Bree if they can please cross Roy off the suicide watch list. Roy: "Hey, you're alive. My job's done here." Orson wonders what took Bree so long anyway, and she says she had to stop and pick up their guests. She wheels him into the living room, where there are two other guys in wheelchairs. [One of them is former Brothers star Daryl Mitchell, who is actually paralyzed. - Z] They try to give Orson a pep talk about how great life is ("We're not handicapped; we're handicapable"), but Orson's as snarky as ever, and when they tell him he has a wife that clearly loves him, Orson replies, "Wow. Paralyzed and blind. You must always be the first one to board the plane." He asks Bree in front of them if she loves them, and she... finally sputters that she cares for him very deeply. Ouch. She can't even lie for their guests? Bree tells the guests she's feeling a little upset now, and would they mind rolling themselves out? Commercials.
Casa de Solis. Gaby interrupts Ana's homework to ask if she's happy, and then offers her a check in an amount large enough to cover a year of modeling school and to rent an apartment in New York. The catch? It's not signed, and she'll sign it once Ana graduates high school without having sex -- or more sex, as the case may be. Gaby thinks she could talk to Ana about morality or STDs, but she thinks Ana responds to cold, hard cash. She asks Ana if she's going to be a successful model with a nice apartment or a teenage mom with no future. Ana pockets the check and says she's now very happy. At the play, Lynette can't believe she let Tom talk her into this just so he can be the teacher's pet. He says Lynette just doesn't like Jane because she hates when someone points out her flaws. The woman in front turns and shushes her, which she uses as an example of not hating having her flaws pointed out, but then she tells the woman she's annoying. None of it matters, though, once Jane comes out as the worst Cleopatra in the history of Shakespeare. And we all know that's a long, long history. And that Cleopatra used to be played by men. Tom and Lynette look at each other in shock. When they arrive home, they tell Parker that Lincoln had a better time at the theater. They discuss how bad it was and wonder how Jane got that part. Tom wants to erase this from his memory before their session, but Lynette says they're not going to continue to take life lessons from a woman who has no self-awareness. Tom thinks Lynette was just looking for an excuse to dump Jane, but Lynette says she learned two things: Jane has no insight into human behavior, and there are 428 tiles on the ceiling of that theater. Tom says they're going to the session -- and there are 429 tiles!
Susan's classroom. Stripper Rita shows up in a stripper-style business suit, which Susan stupidly compliments. Stripper Rita loudly says that it's the first time she's worn a suit that doesn't break away to reveal crotchless panties. Dude, don't say "crotchless" in front of the kids. Susan asks Stripper Rita to hang up the globes they made last week (the same globes she used to demonstrate the levels, by the way). After a weepy moment where Stripper Rita thanks Susan, she gets on the table to hang the globes. A father brings his son in late, and recognizes Stripper Rita from somewhere, but he can't place her, then a light bulb goes off over his head as she parades up and down the table hanging globes. thing we know, Susan's in the principal's office, being lectured for hiring Stripper Rita. (Can Susan just hire anyone she wants? I mean, even teachers can't do that, can they? And as we've established: SUSAN'S NOT A TEACHER!) Anyway, a man has to have a lot of nerve to turn someone in for that, thus revealing he was at said strip club. (Turns out he's a major donor to the private school, though, so I guess he doesn't have to have shame.)
Gaby's forcing her girls to take a bath as Ana and Danny are trying to make out on the couch. Gaby tells them she'll be upstairs for a bit, and asks if they're good there. They are. As soon as she's gone, they start kissing, and Danny stops Ana, reminding her the promise she made Gaby. She says she didn't promise Gaby that he wouldn't have sex. Dirty! So they turn off the light and lay down right there on the couch in their living room. Outside, Angie sees Mrs. Kinsky's recycling is all a mess and screams that she'll sort it herself. She walks over to start doing that, and so is right to Casa de Solis when Carlos arrives home and finds shirtless Danny on top of Ana on the couch. He completely overreacts and grabs Danny and pushes him up against the wall, threatening him with his arm on his neck. Angie sees it happening from outside and storms in. She comes in and tells him to let go, and Gaby comes down and asks what's going on. Carlos doesn't let go, so Angie throws and breaks a vase. Gaby: "Angie! What the hell?" Angie tells Danny to wait for her outside, and he begs her not to do this. Then he heads outside, and Angie tells Carlos she doesn't care what Danny was doing; if Carlos ever touches him again, he's dead. Ooh, an actual threat. As Angie and Danny leave, Mrs. Kinsky taunts Angie by mixing her recycling all back up. She says, "Suck it, Earth!" And Angie storms toward her and kicks both cans over. Danny's like, "Ma! Let's go." Poor Danny. Seriously. Maybe temper tantrum Angie was Julie's attacker. She was taking out her recycling, after all. Maybe she was doing it all wrong, and mixing glass and plastics, like Mrs. Kinsky (you know, in addition to banging Nick Bolen).
Therapy. Lynette's basically ignoring everything Jane tells her about how to treat Tom. Jane asks if something's bothering her, and Tom says it's just the pregnancy, but Jane pushes and says she's safe here and they can tell each other anything. So Lynette tells Jane they saw her play the other night and they didn't know what to say, since they didn't really like it. Jane tries to say their Antony was dreadful, but Lynette says she was talking about her: She wasn't good, and now Lynette's lost confidence in her as a therapist. Jane asks her to elaborate, but Lynette doesn't feel the need to. Jane says it's the coward's way out, just like in her marriage, not to elaborate. So Lynette elaborates about how much Jane sucked (only she really just says that over and over instead of telling her what actually sucked about it). Jane commends Lynette's honesty, but says the newspaper called her "incandescent." Lynette's like, "Oh my God, this is why we can't see her anymore." Tom just looks on sheepishly, so Jane asks what he thought. He says she was great, and Lynette calls him a liar. Jane says there's no reason to bully him into agreeing. Lynette says she wouldn't have to bully him if he would man up for once. Jane says Lynette's attacking, and Lynette says of course, because she's always the bad cop and he's the good cop. He says of course he's the good cop; someone has to be, because bad cop-bad cop doesn't work. He grew up with that, and it doesn't work. Lynette says Tom likes being the good guy, and she'd love to be that sometime, but when something difficult has to happen, he steps aside and lets her deal with it, because good cop-good cop doesn't work either. Tom thinks about it for a second, then says, "You're right." Lynette: "Really?" He says he likes to be liked, so he defers a lot of ugly stuff to Lynette. He apologizes, then turns to Jane and says, "Your performance was aggressively bad. At one point, during the second act, I started to choke on a mint and thought about not fighting it." I love that they had a breakthrough here, but it better carry through to future episodes. Lynette tells Jane she's an amazing therapist, and Jane kicks them out. Apparently she's the one who can't take people pointing out her flaws.
Gaby and Carlos are crossing Wisteria with a plate of cookies. He's wondering why they have to apologize after catching their son on top of our niece, and Gaby points out the whole violence thing. He tries to take a cookie and she slaps his hand. As they approach the Bolens' door, they hear yelling. It's Nick, screaming, "What the hell is wrong with you?" Carlos and Gaby thinks he's yelling at Danny, but then they hear him say, "Angie," and hear her yell back. They agree they should go, but they lean in to listen and start eating the cookies. Nick brings up Mrs. Kinsky's recycling, and says she's thinking about suing them. Angie admits she lost her cool, and he tells her to get it back, "because this rock we're hiding under is not that big, and if people start poking around... we're done!" Carlos and Gaby's eyes go wide. And finally they get to be part of the "A" plot. I never thought I'd say this back when she joined the show, but thank God for Ana.
Double D's (that's what I'm calling Susan and Mike's house now). Susan's indignant about Stripper Rita being fired for her former job, especially since they didn't get mad at the kid's father, who obviously goes there. I think it's odd they have all of these conversations right in front of MJ, though it might explain why he's so open with his feelings for her. Stripper Rita apologizes and says she feels bad, so MJ offers her a big hug. Mike: "Down, Tiger." Stripper Rita says she's going to have to beg for her old job back or she can't make rent. Susan can't let her do that, so she pulls Mike aside and whisper-asks what he thinks about letting her move in, since Julie's gone. Mike: "You're asking if I'm okay with letting a stripper live with us? I'm going to go with no." Susan: "Why?" Mike: "I have no idea. I'm just really sure this is a trick question." Ha. Seriously. Susan says Stripper Rita's a nice girl, who's in trouble, and Susan likes to think of herself as a person who helps others, but she doesn't really do it that much. She wants her to move in. So he agrees, saying, "Let's go make an ex-stripper and a little boy very happy."
Bree shows Orson a suit for the Lackey's 50th wedding anniversary. She says she told him, but he says he hasn't paid a lot of attention to their social calendar since he thought he'd be dead by now. She says brunch with her family is weekend, if he's still around. Orson: "Well, now you're just daring me." At the party, Bree asks Orson if he wants to go inside for the toast, but he'll pass on a speech about the joys of wedded bliss. So Bree goes in alone, and listens to the husband talk about how it hasn't always been easy; they've had their share of tragedy. But they've always been able to remember what made them fall in love in the first place. Nat King Cole starts in with, "I love you/ for sentimental reasons." Bree looks touched as she watches the old couple dance, then turns to see Orson wheeling himself toward the pool in the back yard. She runs out there yelling his name (but no one notices, apparently). He asks why she won't let him die, and she says she wants things, too: a party like this someday to celebrate their life together. He asks what there is about their life to celebrate. Bree says the Lackeys had their rough times, but they stuck it out. Orson says they're in love, but she couldn't answer when he asked. She says, fine, she'll answer: "I loved you once. Can I love you again? I don't know. But I would like to recapture what we once had. And how can we do that if you're not here? So, I'm asking you, please stay." He looks touched by this, but I don't even know how that's possible. Does anyone want to hear that speech from their spouse. Then again, he blackmailed her to stay even when he knew she didn't love him, so I guess it's probably enough for him. (Speaking of, why was it enough just to be with her then, but not now?) Anyway, if anyone cares, they kiss. And I think it would have been awesome if they'd rolled him backwards into the pool accidentally. [I totally thought that was going to happen. - Z]
MAVO picks back up about this never-ending drama we call life. Everyone still has a part to play. Romantic leads are still Danny and Ana, snuggly on the street. The victim is now Stripper Rita. Tom's still comic relief. "And then there are those who end up playing the hero..." Gaby, outside in her jammies and robe, welcomes Ana home from her snuggly date with Danny. "... especially if they feel there's a villain who lives just across the street." Angie welcomes Danny home with a hug, then looks at Gaby, who doesn't stop staring at Angie. No previews, so I think we get a break.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see which DH actor we think should leave the show and join Chuck!
DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, wants you to recycle, but she's no Angie Bolen. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.