By DeAnn Welker
A lot happens this episode, but very little of it has to do with Creepy Dave, despite the developments last week. Basically, all he does is try to get Susan and MJ to go fishing with him, and then talks to the detectives, who are looking for Jackson (since he was locked in the bathroom during the fire). Then he sees Susan and Jackson together... Because they're getting married. Jackson proposes, Susan breaks down and confesses her love, and then Jackson's like, "Yeah, I need to not be deported to Canada." She feels humiliated but agrees to do it anyway, which is totally what's going to convince Creepy Dave that Jackson's his new guy to kill, I guess? I really hope not, but I can't see it ending any other way.
Meanwhile, Gaby goes without makeup to a big event because Juanita has self-esteem issues and wants to look more like her mom. Before a big photo-op, though, Gaby puts makeup on in the bathroom, totally disappointing Juanita. Gaby gives a lovely speech about how much Juanita needs to have on the inside, which Gaby didn't have as a model. It's a touching little piece of the episode that doesn't have much to do with anything else, but it was some of the best stuff. Same thing goes for Tom and Lynette. He's such a Desperate Housewife now. He wants sex with Lynette every day because she's the only thing he's passionate about. He realizes he's middle-aged and doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. It's very sweet and sad, and a Tom that I love and would like to keep around for awhile.
Finally, Bree seeks out Karl to help her take everything from Orson in the divorce. He says she'll have to lie and otherwise be a bad person, which she seems okay with. Then she goes home and Orson says he'll make her breakfast in exchange for sex, so she says "Why not?" How weird and creepy was that?
Previously: Jackson wanted a future, but Susan didn't, so he left. Bree decided to divorce Orson. Karl started sending his son, Evan, to MJ's school. Susan told Creepy Dave she was driving the night that Mike supposedly killed Creepy Dave's family. Watch your back, Susan! Mary Alice jumps right in about all of the ways there are to bargain on Wisteria Lane: An old woman (Mrs. McCluskey) offers a paper boy a generous tip if he'll throw the paper onto her porch. A wife will make her husband dinner for roses (Gaby and Carlos). Bob tells Susan he'll take in his garbage cans if she will mow her lawn. Everyone knows how to bargain, says MAVO. Everyone. Now we're at breakfast with Katherine, Mike, and MJ, who wants pancakes instead of oatmeal. Mike tells MJ that Katherine's not a short-order cook, and she made oatmeal. Katherine pipes in that if he finishes half of it, she'll make candied apples for his sleepover. Mike tells MJ to thank her, so he does and she tousles his hair and calls him a sweet thing. He then turns to Mike and asks, "Dad, are you going to marry Katherine?" Awkward! Mike avoids the question, says he doesn't know, but MJ keeps saying, "Why not?" Katherine says she's not offended, and she's okay with this line of conversation. Mike says he's late for work and will have to talk about this later. As soon as Mike's gone, MJ asks how he did. Katherine says he was great even though Mike didn't answer him, because now the issue's on the table. MAVO continues that the bargaining on Wisteria begins at sunrise, and doesn't end until someone gets exactly what they want. Katherine plops a bowl of ice cream down in front of MJ.
Divorce lawyer Walter Bergen is used to women coming to him with things like, "He's always talking to his grandmother, who died six years ago." "He spends all his money on hookers, who may or may not be women," etc. Then Bree comes in and says, "My husband is a decent man and I want to do right by him." Walter is surprised, since women who seek his services rarely take that attitude. She says she thinks of herself as a good person. He's sure she is, so he tells her not to worry about doing right by Orson. He should be fine with his half of her catering business. She's not planning on giving him half of her business, but Walter fills her in that, by law, he's entitled to half since she started it after they were married. She tells Walter that Orson's actually not that decent after all. Bree would like Walter to protect her business with some lawyer tricks. She says she likes to think of herself as a rich person even more than a good person. Hey, at least she can admit it.
Bree, Susan, Gaby, Lynette, and Katherine play poker at Lynette's. Gaby announces that Carlos is Fairview's Latino Businessman of the Year. She says there will be a huge dinner, and they're getting a picture with the mayor and his wife. Susan thinks that's not likely since the mayor's wife just hired the sleaziest, most unethical divorce lawyer in town. Bree's curiosity is piqued, so she asks who. Susan says it's Karl, who's a total shark. She says the worst thing about their divorce was that she couldn't hire him to represent her. Bree thought you just split everything down the middle in a divorce, but Susan says not with Karl, who finds all the loopholes and hides all the assets. Tom interrupts to tell Lynette it's almost midnight. Everyone wonders if they're being kicked out. She tells Tom she'll be right up, and everyone wonders what's up. Lynette says she and Tom are reading a book that suggests couples have sex every night for a month. She says they've been having some problems, and the theory is it creates intimacy, and it's working, she says. Tom hollers down the stairs, and Lynette interrupts her talk about how they're more attuned to each other's needs by yelling back, "Geez! Two seconds!" Bree says they should go, but Lynette says she and Tom have this down to a science, so just to deal her out for a few hands. She runs upstairs and the ladies keep playing.
The morning, Juanita goes into Gaby's bathroom and looks at herself in the mirror, then looks at a pretty modeling magazine cover of her mom. Gaby calls her down, and says there's cinnamon toast on the table. Juanita says she's not hungry and runs out with her hood up. We see her get on the bus, though, and she pulls off her hood to reveal makeup applied clown-style. Or, you know, six-year-old-style. At Creepy Dave's, he's on the phone with Susan, inviting her and MJ to go fishing this weekend. He thinks MJ would love it, and he really wants to do something to thank her for being so good to him since Edie died. Seriously. I get that the guy's crazy, but can he not see that she actually has been good to him and just forgive? He's standing above some printed out news articles about people dying in Bass Lake. Because he couldn't come up with a drowning without internet research. What a mastermind.
Gaby's vacuuming when she gets a call from Juanita's principal. She asks what's up, and then: "She's wearing WHAT?!" Then she's letting Juanita out of the car and leading her into the house, screaming. Juanita says she doesn't have to yell, but Gaby asks if Juanita realizes how humiliating it was for her to get that call today. Now every parent is going to think she let Juanita wear makeup to school. She wants her makeup back and digs into Juanita's backpack. She finds the magazine, and asks why Juanita has it. Juanita says she was trying to look like Gaby. Gaby stops yelling, and asks "Why?" Juanita says some girls saw Gaby picking her up at school yesterday and said she must be adopted, because she's not pretty enough to be Gaby's daughter. That's seriously sad, and the little girl who plays Juanita is a much better actor than I thought at the beginning of this season.
Susan's taking Mrs. McCluskey to the doctor for something that's "really throbbing." She asks Susan to please hurry, but Jackson pulls onto the street and Susan stops. He needs to talk to her, and didn't call because he wanted it to be a surprise. Mrs. McCluskey would really like for them to stop staring at each other so she can have what Susan calls her "little procedure." Mrs. McCluskey's much more graphic explanation is that he's going to lance a boil on her backside that could rupture any second. Jackson and Susan plan on dinner the night. They stare a little longer, and then Susan guns it. Two more of Susan's exes make appearances as Karl shows up at Mike's to ask him to please invite Evan to MJ's sleepover, since he's the only kid at school not invited. Mike says MJ's already finalized his guest list, and MJ doesn't like Evan, because he's a bully. Karl gives Mike $20, and Mike says he's MJ's dad, not his bouncer, but thanks for the money. He shuts the door in Karl's face, which is awesome.
Lynette calls Tom, who's vacuuming. He tells her all about double-coupon day, because he is the most housewifey housewife on all of Wisteria Lane. Lynette asks if he remembered her special deodorant. He did, so her armpits will be aluminum-free. She tells him she's going to be late tonight, meaning past midnight. It is still light outside and she already knows she'll be that late? What a sucky job. He asks about the pact, and she says they'll just have to do it twice the day. Tom says he's been looking forward to it all day. She knows and is sorry, but has to go. He hangs up, and then he's at her office. He closes her door and locks it. She asks if he's crazy, and he says he's crazy about her. He throws everything off her desk, and tells her how important this is. She says it's a bad time for her. He kisses her, though, and she's all, "Well, you did buy me that deodorant." They start to make out on the desk, but the receptionist patches Carlos through on speaker phone. He's also on speaker phone with the guys at Capital Consultants. He'd like his account pulled up now, please. She says she's kind of busy, and then there's some muffled sounds. He asks if she's all right, and she apologizes and says the handyman was in there, but he's finished. She thanks the handyman, and Tom says, "You're welcome, ma'am." Lynette's all relaxed, post-orgasm, asking Carlos where they were. There is no freaking way that happened that fast. At least not for her. I totally believe it was that fast for Tom, though.
Bree's meeting with Karl in his very contemporary office. He offers her a drink, but she says she doesn't drink. He remembers now ("glug, glug"), but she asks him to try not to insult her since she's bringing him business. She says she knows it's surprising that she wants to divorce Orson, but he doesn't think it is, since Orson's a stiff. She tells Karl she'd like this to be dignified, but he says he can't think of a dignified way to screw a spouse out of something they're rightfully entitled to. She asks if he can help her, and he says he can, but first he needs a favor from her. He needs Evan to be invited to MJ's sleepover. She wonders how she'd go about doing that, and he wonders how he would go about hiding her assets from Orson. She tells him she's not comfortable manipulating a six-year-old. So he tells her about a client he had who had a wife who supported him and gave him everything, and Karl's magic gave the guy everything and her nothing. Wow. He must be so proud. Bree's won over, though, because she is evil. She seductively says that MJ does love her macaroons.
Gaby and Carlos meet with Juanita about the makeup incident. Carlos tells her she's gorgeous and can't listen to those kids, who are idiots. He tells her she's naturally beautiful and makeup just covers it up. Gaby agrees that she doesn't need that gunk on her face. Juanita asks why Gaby needs it. Gaby says she's an adult and she hardly wears any. Carlos scoffs, and asks her to keep it real. Juanita asks if Gaby's going to wear makeup when Daddy gets his big award, and Gaby says of course. Juanita thinks it's not fair, but Gaby basically tells her life isn't fair, so deal with it. Juanita thinks it's not fair that Gaby gets to look pretty, and she has to look like herself. Carlos says maybe neither of them should wear makeup. Juanita likes this idea, but Gaby calls Carlos into another room to tell him she is never going into a ballroom without makeup. He tells her it's a great opportunity to show Juanita that beauty's only skin deep, but Gaby says her skin without foundation might make him rethink that. Like he's never seen it without foundation. I hope she doesn't sleep with it on. He tells her that her daughter's in pain, and asks if she loves her enough to put her vanity aside for one night. She says Juanita still owes her for the twenty hours of labor. Carlos looks at her sternly, and she says, "Fine. I will make the ultimate sacrifice, and I will be ugly for my daughter." I don't think that's the ultimate sacrifice, but I guess in Gaby's world it is. She tells Carlos if Juanita ever needs a kidney, though, it's all him.
Mike's impressed with Katherine going all out for MJ's sleepover, though he thinks the sugar and whistles might not be the smartest combination. He says he'll make them goodie bags filled with earplugs and vodka. She says MJ's funny, and that was so hilarious when he asked about them getting married. Mike's glad she thought it was funny, because he was "tap-dancing my ass off." She tells him he was great, but someday he'll have to answer the question. Mike says he's sure MJ's forgotten by now. She says, yeah, kids are like that, but grownups? Not so much. He realizes she's the one asking and goes for honesty: She makes him happy, but he's been married before and doesn't see himself getting married again. She says okay. He says that's not what she wanted to hear, but she tells him she wanted the truth, and it's not his fault the truth sucks. Then she asks for the streamers from the car. He goes to get them, but turns to tell her he does love her. She smiles until he's gone and then looks sad.
Susan and Jackson, post-dinner, are talking about her job. She tells him he seems awfully far away for a guy who just had to see her. He tells her he's a little nervous, because he has something to ask her. He says it's going to come out of nowhere, but he wants her to marry him. He starts to explain how he came to this. She gets frantic and says she has to go upstairs. He's like, "Now?" He follows her and knocks on the bathroom, which she's locked herself into. He asks if she's okay. She says she didn't want him to see her cry. He calls her "honey," and says she didn't let him finish. She apologizes, but still doesn't let him, and instead rambles and cries about how lonely she's been and that she's been trying to tell herself she didn't care about him. She says she tells herself she likes being strong and single, but she thinks about him all the time. She wanted to call, but thought he'd gotten over her, but now to know he still loves her makes her so happy. And she loves him too. He says nothing, so she says, "Jackson?" to make sure he's still on the other side of the door. He says, "Oh god, I really wish you'd let me finish." He tells her he needs to get married so immigration doesn't deport him back to Canada. He's here on a student visa that expired six years ago, and he got a call from the authorities. So, unless someone will marry him, he's in really big trouble. Or, you know, in Canada. Susan opens the door, all composed. He asks what she says, and she chases him out with the plunger. She tells him to get out or she'll kick his ass back to Canada.
Tom's ready for bed, and crawling in with Lynette, who's already asleep. He wakes her by kissing her shoulder, and she wonders what's going on. He reminds her of the pact. She thought they already did it tonight, but he says no. She says they're all blurring, and she'd like a rain check since she's exhausted and has a 7 a.m. meeting. She says she'll take a long lunch and he can do her twice at work tomorrow. He tells her this is important, so she relents, but asks him to make it quick. He tells her she can't rush an artist. He kisses her and then starts kissing her chest, and by the time he's to her stomach, she's snoring. He looks up at her, and maybe it's just me, but he looks annoyed. The morning, she tells him she doesn't have time for breakfast. He says that's good, since he didn't make her any. She'd like coffee, though, so he tells her to make it herself. She wonders what the problem is and he reminds her she fell asleep during sex. Well, they weren't technically having sex, but whatever. She asks if it was good, but he says he didn't finish. She apologizes and says she was exhausted. He says all she had to do was lie there and adds, "Like you usually do." She says she'll let that go since he's upset. He says it's true: She's been so tired from work that he's been doing all the "heavy lifting." Wait, is there lifting involved? Do I want to know? She says he's being irrational, so he brings up the book. She mocks the book, since he bought it at a garage sale. He says she's right, that all of his ideas are stupid and he should stick to chores. She tells him to get to work, or she'll be late.
The detectives show up to Creepy Dave's to tell him there's been a break in the club fire case, so they'd like to ask him some questions. They show him a picture of his psychiatrist, who he killed, and ask who it was. Creepy Dave says he doesn't know him, and wonders why a shrink from Boston was in Fairview. They ask if he saw the doctor backstage, but Creepy Dave says he didn't see anyone, and already told him that accusing Porter was a mistake. They ask if he knows Jackson, who was locked in the employee men's room right before the fire. Creepy Dave asks if they've talked to Jackson, but they say he left town and they've been unable to find him. They thank Creepy Dave for his time, and he sees them out. Then he calls Susan to see if 6 a.m. would be fine on Saturday, because ... the earlier they get going the better for killing MJ, apparently.
Bree finds MJ sitting on Katherine's porch and offers him a macaroon. She pretends she made way too many and would hate for them to go to waste. He says they're his favorite. She says she could bake them for him every week for a tiny favor: Invite Evan to his sleepover. MJ says he doesn't like Evan; he's mean. Bree says that deep down, Evan's just a boy who wants friends. MJ says he hit him with a dead squirrel, and Bree snaps that if we nitpick, we can find flaws with all of our friends. Well, if your friends are Bree's friends, that's certainly the truth. You don't even really have to nitpick. MJ still says no, so Bree offers ice cream with the macaroons. Just then, Orson comes out and tells Bree he took the cash out of her wallet since he's late for golf and didn't have time to go to the ATM. She sits down to MJ, and tells him that there is someone in her life who hits her with a dead squirrel every day, and MJ's the only one who can help. She begs him to invite Evan. He relents, so Bree kisses him on the forehead and leaves. MJ, to himself, "Boy, the stuff I do for macaroons." That kid is adorable.
Jackson's at Susan's with flowers, but she won't let him in. She says she's reached her maximum allowance for humiliation this week. He apologizes through the door that she thought it was a real proposal (yeah, dude, you can't apologize for that; you need to apologize for what you've done). He acknowledges that he probably should have led with deportation. You think?! She opens the door and says the maximum allowance is exceeded. She lets him in, and he says he's sorry and she has every right to be mad. She's not mad at him, though, just disappointed in herself for being so lonely and needy. She says she did what she always does, and let some silly romantic fantasy take over. He says he didn't know she still felt that way about him. She says she doesn't, that this isn't about him, and besides, he's moved on. He says he had to, since she pushed him away. He had to heal his heart and get over it. She asks if this is really the only thing he can do to stay here and do his work (because you cannot do art in Canada, you know). He says yeah, so she says she'll help him. But that there will be no love or sex, just marriage. He's all, "No sex?" She says no, because it needs to be like a real marriage. Hey, that's totally original! No one has ever made a joke about no sex during marriage.
Carlos enters the Latino Businessman of the Year banquet, and calls Gaby in behind him. She's in sunglasses. He asks her to take those off, since it's 8 at night. She does, but says people will think he's out with his anemic, lesbian sister. A lady walks up and Carlos introduces her as the lady who put this banquet together. Gaby introduces herself and says she doesn't actually look this hideous; she's just not wearing makeup so she can teach her daughter that beauty is on the inside. Hey, where are the girls? They come to the banquet in a separate car, I guess. The lady walks off, and Carlos asks Gaby to stop explaining herself. She doesn't want people thinking she condones this face. Carlos goes to find their table and when Gaby's offered champagne, she tells the waiter that she's not ill, she just isn't wearing makeup.
Rowdy sleepover at Katherine's. MJ says the candy apples are great and asks Mike if he and Evan (they're friends now, I guess) can have another. Mike says he needs to ask Katherine, so goes to find her. She's in her bedroom window bench gazing out the window. Mike tells her she's missing all the fun, including him cutting a candy apple out of a kid's hair. He tells her it's not as fun without her. She tells him since he was honest, she will be too. She says she got scared, and he asks about what. She says she was hosting a party with this amazing man and his adorable son, and they were like the perfect family until she realized they're not a family and it could all go away in an instant. He says he's not going anywhere, and she says he's not committing either. She asks if it's because he's still in love with Susan. He hesitates, which is ANNOYING, and says no, he already told her that. Right, but when it's said with hesitation and uncertainty, it's the sort of thing a person wonders about even after they've been told. Katherine says it must be her, then. He tells her he loves having her in his life, but he's not ready and doesn't know what else to say. She's not trying to get him to say anything, but she has to take care of herself. They hear loud crashing and Mike goes to check on the party.
Someone comes over and tells Carlos that the mayor's about to leave and the newspaper would like a photo with him and Carlos's family. Gaby: "That's so sweet. Tell 'em 'No way in hell.' " Carlos tells him that they'll be right there. He tells her she's not getting out of this, so she says he's also Latino Jerk of the Year. She asks to use the bathroom first. Once there, she asks all four ladies freshening up for lipstick and eyeliner. The only one who offers is a lady with bright makeup whose look Gaby insults. She finds another lady and asks for hers, but she doesn't want to let her use it. She's sort of a germ freak. Gaby steals the cosmetics and goes into a bathroom stall. She gets the lady to shut up by pointing out the stolen dinner rolls in the lady's bag. thing we know, Gaby joins the family for the photo. The photographer tells her she looks stunning. She thanks him, and then Juanita looks at her and says, "Yeah, Mom. You look great." Gaby looks sad and doesn't smile when she's told to.
Lynette arrives home at night, coffee cup in hand. She tells Tom it's her third espresso, so she's wired and there's no way she's falling asleep. Tom ignores her, so she suggests throwing a pizza on the front lawn and when the kids run out to get it, they lock them out and have sex all over the house. He still ignores her, so she says she doesn't know what else to say other than she's sorry. She guesses he'll just stay mad. He sits down and says he's not mad. He says sex has become so important to him because she's the only thing in his life that he's passionate about. She says that's sweet, but he says it's not good for him or her. He needs something else to be excited about. She thought he wanted a break to stay home. He says he did, but staying at home is too easy. He's done with his work by noon and then he just sits around and waits for her. She asks what he wants to do, but he doesn't know what he's passionate about. He says, "I'm a middle-aged guy and I don't know what I want to do with my life." Poor Tom. He says he told her it was stupid, but she says no and hugs him sweetly. Tom is totally my favorite housewife right now.
Gaby goes into Juanita's totally pink room, where she's lying in bed reading. Gaby apologizes for disappointing her, and Juanita says it's okay; she gets it: She needs makeup too. Gaby takes her book away, and tells her that she knows being pretty seems like the most important thing in the world, but it's not. Juanita: "You were a model." Gaby tells her that her whole life people told her how pretty she was, so she never had to work hard in school or on friendships or her personality. So when she stopped modeling, she realized she didn't have much on the inside. She says she doesn't want that for Juanita. She wants her to be brave, funny, creative -- more than just a shell. She wants her to have the whole rich, gooey center. She asks Juanita to promise. Juanita says okay, but then asks when she does get to wear makeup. Gaby says she can wear it when she realizes she doesn't need it, and they wink cutely at each other.
Creepy Dave shows up at Susan's with a fishing pole. I guess it's 6 a.m. on Saturday, but Susan looks all awake and dressed. She tells Creepy Dave she's not going to be able to make it, because she's kind of getting married. Creepy Dave asks, "To who?" Jackson comes over, puts his arms around Susan and says, "Dave Williams. I thought I heard you." Then he says that just when they thought he was out of the picture, he's back. Weird that Jackson doesn't say anything about Creepy Dave locking him in the bathroom during the fire. Does he not know who did it? It seems like he should since Creepy Dave's the one who led him in there and then locked the door.
Karl and Bree are meeting again. He tells her that he can get her everything she wants, but he might need her to lie and trick. He asks if she's up for that. She says she used to think of herself as a good person who always took the high road, but she's begun to realize she's capable of doing whatever needs to be done. Karl says that makes her the perfect client. Mary Alice says that on Wisteria, the bargaining is finished by sundown (I doubt that's true). A daughter (Juanita) agrees to go to bed early if her mother lets her dress up in her old gowns. A woman (Susan) lets her fiancée spend the night if he'll sleep on the sofa. A man (Mike) allows his lover to get close as long as they don't discuss the future. Mary Alice says everyone knows how to bargain on Wisteria Lane. We zoom in on Bree and Orson on the porch. She asks why he's up so late, and he says he has a proposition for her. He'll make her breakfast in the morning if she'll make love to him tonight. She smiles and says, "Why not?" He looks her up and down, holds her hand, and they walk inside. MAVO: "But sometimes they get more than they bargained for." In what way? He'll get more than sex, as in the divorce? Or she'll get more than breakfast, as in ... ? I don't think that was the strongest ending ever, but oh well. The rest of it was good.
week: Karl wants Bree to rob her own house, so they're breaking in together. Susan announces her engagement and Mike says he's off the hook for alimony. Not exactly what she planned. And Tom continues to be the most desperate housewife. He wants a facelift, which Lynette thinks he doesn't need. She asks what if she got a boob job, and Tom says he'd learn to live with it somehow. Ha. Karl tells Bree Orson's going to get half of everything, and she asks if it wouldn't be easier to just have him killed.
DeAnn is a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.
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