There is plenty of movement on the big mystery this week, but it doesn't get us much of anywhere. Susan spends the whole episode trying to convince the police to look into Katherine's whereabouts the night of Julie's attack. But, because the detective is someone Susan was mean to in high school, that doesn't go anywhere good. In fact, turns out Katherine was on the phone with her daughter all night, and the phone records prove it. And Susan winds up in jail for not reporting her accidental shooting of Katherine. And when Lynette walks in on Nick and Julie fighting, Julie tells her about the affair and it doesn't take long for Lynette and Tom to suspect Nick of the attack. They tell the police, who call Angie, who wants to talk to him. She already knew about the affair, but she knows he didn't do it, so she lies and says they were together. They weren't, which makes Angie the most obvious suspect now, doesn't it? We also find out that neither Nick or Angie can leave the marriage no matter what, so after punching him in the face, she says they're okay.
Angie has Bree and Orson over to dinner, and a fight breaks out between her and Nick when he makes it obvious to the guests they were invited so Angie could audition for a job for Bree. Obviously, Bree wouldn't hire someone as "candid" (Bree's word) and "vulgar" (Angie's) as Angie. But then an Italian couple wants to have their 500-person anniversary dinner catered, but they want Italian food for their guests. Bree tries to steal Angie's recipes, but gets caught and ends up hiring her.
Finally, Gaby's still home-schooling Juanita, though not well. Carlos sympathizes and lets her get a housekeeper. That housekeeper just happens to have a Ph.D. in engineering, though, and ends up teaching Juanita instead of cleaning. Carlos lets her go because of the not cleaning, and Gaby comes clean (pun intended) that she wasn't teaching Juanita, because it's ruining their relationship. Carlos says he'll find a way for her not to have to home-school Juanita, but the housekeeper has to go.
Previously: Susan got mad when Lynette didn't tell Susan that Julie might be pregnant. Bree lied about a brooch Karl gave her, and Orson went to the antique store where she said she got it. But, oops!, they only sell furniture. Angie planted the seed for Susan to think Katherine might have attacked Julie.
Now: We get a bird's-eye view of Julie asleep on the couch as Mary Alice voices over that Julie's having trouble sleeping. Because every time she closes her eyes, she dreams of her neighbor. We see Nick, as we get the briefest of backstories: They met when she went to tutor her son. Then they had a chance encounter at a café, and he asked to see her again, and again, and again. thing she knew, she was having an affair with a married man. But after a close call (we get a close-up of a pregnancy stick) and told him it was over. Then a knock wakes Julie, as Mary Alice finishes that unfortunately for Julie, some men can't take no for an answer. He asks if he can come and she nods yes. Soon they're screaming at each other, which Lynette can hear when she walks up to the house. She's telling him he has to go, and he's arguing. Lynette knocks and says she was going to drop off candy Susan bought from Penny. She says hi to Nick, and Julie says Mr. Bolen was just leaving. He leaves, and then Lynette asks what was going on. She says she doesn't mean to pry, but then totally does, and Julie admits that he's the guy she thought got her pregnant. Lynette's like, "Why did you tell me this?" Julie says she asked, but Lynette says not for her; she would have bought anything since she's late for work. Julie insists it's over with Nick, and Lynette says not for her since she has to tell Susan. Julie protests, but Lynette says she has no choice after how mad Susan got last time. And "she already shot Katherine. Now she's got a taste for blood." Lynette wonders why he was here if it's over, and Julie says he wants her back. Lynette says to threaten to tell Angie, but he tells her he doesn't care because he loves her. Lynette asks Julie if she knows that's a lie, and Julie nods, but says she can't get over him and she gets so confused when he comes over. Lynette promises to take care of this, and not tell Susan. Mary Alice finishes that Julie would sleep well that night, finally. Unfortunately, Lynette would not. Title card.
More Mary Alice about a Fairview elementary school book, which Juanita throws on the floor at Gaby's feet soon enough. When Gaby yells, Juanita says she hates fractions; they're boring. Carlos sneaks in as the girls continue yelling about fractions. He hears Gaby give Juanita a real-life use for fractions: She takes Juanita's favorite doll and threatens to chop her into thirds. She asks what if she takes one third and buries it in the yard and puts another third down the garbage disposal. Juanita asks if Gaby's going to hurt the doll, and Gaby snaps that it depends on how Juanita answers the question. Carlos, exasperated, calls Gaby into the other room, where he asks her what's going on. She says she's teaching math, and maybe she's a little tired since she also has to cook and clean. He agrees it's not fair she has to do everything, so he'll get her a housekeeper. She says she'd rather have a tutor, but he says Juanita already had to leave school and Gaby can do this for her. He heads upstairs and then Juanita sneaks by, hiding her doll. Gaby tells her not to worry; her doll's safe, adding "If I'm going to chop anything off, it's going to be something of your daddy's." Inappropriate humor aimed at kids. I love it.
Susan and Mike are at a police station, explaining why Katherine should have been questioned as a suspect, not just a witness. The cops insist they're not trying to dismiss Susan's concerns, as they dismiss them by saying women don't typically commit crimes like this (they tend to keep at a physical remove, using methods such as poison) and talking about their lunches. Mike tells the cops he was skeptical at first, but Katherine does have motive to attack Susan. The cops laugh at the thought that Susan could have been mistaken for a 23-year-old and go back to their lunches. One of them is mad he didn't get pickles. Susan yells out to everyone in the room asking if anyone here understands that women can be psycho killers, too. Kathy Najimy thinks she might be able to help, and the other cops tell her to have at it. Kathy says she'll look at the file and swing by to get Susan's statement tomorrow. Susan's glad someone cares about justice more than pickles. She and Mike leave, and Kathy tells the other cops that she and Susan go way back, even though Susan doesn't remember her yet. "But she will." Sounds ominous.
Bree and Orson are walking down the street. She's annoyed he committed them to dinner with the Bolens, but he says they've been asking for weeks and he thinks Angie's earthy and charming. Bree agrees, saying that last week Angie asked her how much her dress cost (gasp!) and whether she still gets visits from her Aunt Flo. Orson kindly explains it's a euphemism, but Bree says she knows what it means. As they walk to the Bolens' front door, Orson says he stopped at the antique store she mentioned to try to get her another brooch since she gave hers to Susan, but the owner says they only sell furniture. Bree says that's odd, and she must have confused it with a jewelry store. She doesn't bother telling him Susan gave her the brooch back, though she should since that was innocent and had nothing to do with Karl. And it would save Orson from trying to get her another brooch and catching her in yet another lie. Angie opens the door and greets them warmly.
Dinner. Angie's setting a dish on the table as Orson asks, "My goodness. Another course?" Angie says her Grandma Bombelli always said that if men can still button their pants, "dinner ain't over yet." Bree smiles awkwardly. She takes a bite of her food, and Nick asks if Angie's braciole is amazing or what. Bree admits she's never had it before and it's quite tasty. Angie grabs Bree's napkin and stuffs it in the top of Bree's shirt, saying she wouldn't want to stain her gorgeous blouse. Bree says she's a neat eater, but Angie says when Nick starts twirling pasta, no one's safe. Orson, ever jovial, agrees he got some friendly fire from a meatball earlier. Everyone laughs. Nick says he's glad they're finally doing this, and Bree lies they've been busy. Nick says if Bree needs someone to replace Katherine, she could do a lot worse than Angie, and Angie plays modest. Nick says she has all of her Grandma Bombelli's recipes, and Orson starts to say that if the food is all this good... but Bree interrupts and says they're not hiring. She tells Angie she's sorry, and Angie says it's okay. But Nick pushes the issue, and Angie asks him to zip it, since Bree would know if she's sure since she's had four services. Nick says he's just trying to help, and it was Angie's idea to cook for her. Angie slams her silverware down and thanks him for making their neighbors think she only cooks for people if she has an angle. Angie apologizes to Bree, which makes Angie even madder at Nick. It's hilarious. When Bree and Orson pretend to be having a great time, she even says, "Now you're making our guests lie." Angie goes to get another course and then Nick follows for wine, after telling Bree there are three more courses. Bree asks Orson to please unbutton his pants. Not exactly the context in which he's been wanting to hear that, but I bet he takes her up on it. Commercials.
Gaby's still teaching Juanita fractions as a housekeeper cleans around her. Gaby's using imaginary cabbages to teach fractions, but Juanita says she doesn't care since she hates cabbages. Gaby tells her to pretend they're balloons, but Juanita says there's no such thing as half a balloon. Gaby threatens to give her half an allowance then. As if a seven-year-old actually cares about allowance. Especially a rich seven-year-old. Gaby makes an insulting comment about how Juanita could end up a housekeeper, and both Solis women look at the housekeeper, who's hearing everything. Gaby apologizes, and tells Juanita they can go get ice cream if they finish this page. Juanita, in a huff, says she doesn't want to have ice cream with Gaby. Gaby goes to get some air and asks the housekeeper to make sure Juanita stays at the table.
Bree's holding a tasting for a couple. The man, Mr. Vitale, is clearly not impressed by her foie gras. She offers him other fancy dishes, but he's pretty meh about everything. He'd prefer something he can pronounce, but his wife says that's not necessary. She apologizes to Bree for her ignoramus husband, and he says that this ignoramus is throwing his wife an anniversary party for 500. Bree perks up and says she'd really like to cater this party. The guy tells Bree he's sorry, but his crowd from the Bronx is more of a sausage and peppers crowd. They start to leave, but Bree says she can do braciole. They turn, and she says she can also do gnocchi, tortelloni, and lasagna verde. She says those items aren't on her recipe, because they're family recipes from her Grandma Bombelli. She says she gets her hair from the Irish side, but her mom's side was all Bombelli. She throws in that she'll cook until the men unbutton their pants, and Mr. Vitale hires her on the spot.
Gaby comes back in, refreshed from her time outside, and asks Juanita to get back to it. But Juanita's done everything correctly. Gaby accuses her of cheating, but Juanita says Ivana helped her. Gaby doesn't even know who that is, but it's the housekeeper. Ivana tells Gaby, in an accent, that she told Juanita to think of fractions as a big chocolate cake with slices. Gaby figures cake would help Juanita focus, but it was really more about Ivana, who says she has a Ph.D. in engineering from the University of Bucharest, but that means nothing in the U.S. job market. Gaby's impressed, but then asks Ivana to get the hair out of the upstairs bathroom. But then Juanita needs more help, and Gaby calls Ivana, all "Doctor? I'm thinking that dream can wait."
Bolen yard. Nick's clipping flowers when Lynette walks up with a serious look. Angie, looking earthy and charming as ever in a cute summery dress with her hair up, asks Lynette if she'd like some wine, but Lynette says she's just here to ask Nick for gardening tips. Angie goes inside to get the wine for herself then, and Lynette jumps right in that she knows about him and Julie. She lectures him, but he stands up and tells her it's none of her business. She says Karl might not be great with this, and then tells him if he doesn't stop bothering Julie, he'll be sorry. She starts to storm off, but he asks if Julie also told her that she started it all, and there are two sides to every story. Lynette: "Your side is married." He says he tried to resist Julie, but she wore him down with her talk of never having felt this way before. He says she's been jerking him around. Lynette says she doesn't care, and he grabs her and threatens her that if she tells anyone, she's the one who will be sorry. Angie comes out and he goes back into gardening mode. Lynette looks worried. She goes home, and Tom instantly asks her if she's okay. She says she thinks she might know who strangled Julie. Or, you know, tried to strangle her since strangling actually means "to death." Commercials, including an episode of Another Desperate Housewife, in which the cheating husband is caught cheating on his mistress. Well, not caught, but she sees a text for him on his Sprint phone from someone named Gloria, so she shoots him. Then we see a devious woman watching, so we're to think it was a set-up. Am I actually starting to care about this?
Casa de Solis. Which is a huge mess. Carlos comes home and Gaby acts like everything's fine as she says she's about to serve dinner. He looks around and wonders why the housekeeper didn't start today. Gaby says she did, "and she's fantastic," still not getting why he'd wonder. She tells Carlos about the housekeeper's family escaping Romania, and he wonders if they were fleeing from cleanliness. Gaby says she didn't make her work her first day. They needed to bond. Juanita comes in to show off her fractions, and starts to say "Ivana..." told her, but Gaby covers her mouth, and says "Ivana take all the credit myself," so that Carlos will think she's the one who taught Juanita.
Susan's. She's filling Kathy in on the situation with Katherine. She was seen leaving the wedding that afternoon and not seen again until the morning. Kathy just stares at Susan and doesn't write any of it down. When Susan asks about that, Kathy asks if Susan remembers her. Susan pretends to, but then says not really. She doesn't even remember after Susan tells her her name. And once she gives her a point of reference -- English class -- Susan pretends to remember, but doesn't, and even mispronounces Kathy's name. (It's Denise Lapera, and Susan says Lapeera.) They make small talk about how Kathy arrested their English teacher a few years ago. Susan laughs, and Kathy gets crazy eyes as she talks about how good everything is in Susan's life. Susan mispronounces Kathy's name again and says she's done well for herself, too, since she's a detective. But Kathy says she also lives in her mother's basement, has never been married, and isn't dating. But she did bowl a 179 the other night. Susan says she's also a detective. Back to Katherine, Kathy says she'll head over there and nose around now. Susan stops her and tells her Katherine shouldn't know Susan accused her, as things could get ugly. Kathy says, "Sure," and leaves. Susan tells her to say hi to her mom (isn't she just going across the street?), but Kathy says they don't speak to each other.
Bolens. Bree drops by Angie's to give her some thank-you shortbread biscuits. Angie thanks Bree for not walking out when she and Nick started screaming. Then she tells Bree how tactful she is, and wonders if she could teach her. Bree says she wouldn't think of taking away that earthy charm. Bree lies that she has a friend coming to town and would love to borrow Angie's recipes. Angie says her Grandma Bombelli was strict about not ever sharing the family with anyone. Bree lies that her friend loves good Italian food, but is badly burned so doesn't go to restaurants anymore. Angie thinks that's awful and that her grandma would want the woman to eat well. So she gives Bree all of her recipes, but says not to pass them around. Bree promises to treat them as if they were her own.
Back at Susan's. She's watching for Kathy to come back from Katherine's as Mike looks through her yearbook. He wonders if she still has her cheerleading outfit, which he says might jog her memory. Then he finds Denise's photo, and when Susan sees it, she says, "Oh my god, Moose." She finally realizes Kathy is Moose Lapera. She hated Susan in high school, since Susan's the one who compared her laugh to a moose and got the whole school to make fun of her. Also, Susan sort of stole Moose's boyfriend. She explains this as if it wasn't her fault too. She finally realizes she sent Kathy over to talk to Katherine, and they both hate her. Mike says it was a long time ago, and no one would hold a grudge that long. Kathy and Katherine come out, and Susan thinks Mike's right; it looks like a perp walk. Then they hug, and he says it looks more like a perp hug. Mike says she's showing them how long someone can hold a grudge. Susan looks stunned.
Casa de Solis. Gaby asks Juanita if she'd like to go to a movie with her after "school." Juanita's in, if she can have Junior Mints for dinner, so we know all is right with their relationship again. Or, you know, as right as it can be. The doorbell rings and it's a different housekeeper. Gaby wonders where Ivana is, but this lady doesn't really speak enough English to explain it to Gaby. Fortunately, Carlos comes down to leave for work right then and explains that he told the cleaning company to send someone else, since Ivana was terrible. Gaby thinks he should cut Ivana some slack, since she's Romanian; and when your people are being chased into Argentina by angry Cossacks, maybe a sparkling toilet isn't that important. Carlos asks Gaby to please not teach Juanita geography. He leaves and Gaby asks the new housekeeper how she feels about teaching math. But her English still isn't good.
Test kitchen. Bree's cooking up Angie's Italian recipes for 500, when Angie comes over to reciprocate the delicious shortbread with some cookies. Bree tries to rush her out, but Angie wants to help her. She sees how much sauce and how many potatoes, so Bree pretends her friend wants leftovers. Then Angie sees the "Vitale Anniversary Party" menu with all of Angie's recipes on it, and is indignant that Bree would run to her with a sob story about a burn victim. Bree admits that was tacky, and Angie says she lit a candle for that burn victim. Bree says it was a huge compliment, but Angie wonders if her food being good enough but her not being is a compliment. Bree says she'd never say that, and Angie knows that since she's tactful, but she's not, so she calls Bree a selfish, two-faced bitch and takes her recipes, with a loud, "But enjoy the cookies!" before she slams the door.
Scavos. Lynette and Tom are telling Julie that she has to do something about Nick possibly being the attacker. She says it was impossible that it was Nick, but Tom reminds her she couldn't see who attacks her. She says it doesn't make sense, since Nick loves her, but Lynette reminds her she broke up with him. Tom and Lynette say they can't do nothing about this, since they've watched her grow up and she's like a daughter to them. They're going to the police no matter what she says. She looks out the window and says it just couldn't be him.
Gaby and Juanita knock on a door somewhere, and Ivana answers. She's angry that Gaby didn't tell Carlos the truth about the tutoring, since he complained and got her in trouble at work. But Gaby wants her to come back. She says she needs her, and so does Juanita. She pushes Juanita into Ivana, and Ivana says, "Ow!" Then Gaby says if she teaches Juanita someone ends up fighting. Ivana says she has floors to scrub, so thing we know, Gaby's on her hands and knees scrubbing a floor as Ivana teaches Juanita. Though she stops tell Gaby she missed a spot. It's really a lose-lose for Gaby, isn't it?
Bree's test kitchen. Orson comes in and asks if she has a minute, but she tells him it's not a good time. He tries her gnocchi, makes a gross face, and says, "Mmm. Tasty." She tells him not to patronize, since she knows Angie's are light as air and hers are like little shot-puts. He thinks this will cheer her up. He shows her a brooch she bought at the jewelry store she says she went to. She tells him she's busy, but he tells her it's odd that she mentioned the first brooch... She cuts him off and tells him to stop it, for god's sake. She doesn't want jewelry, trinkets, or romantic gestures. She. Wants. Out. But, hey, on a positive note, I don't think Orson is really a klepto anymore, is he? She threatens to throw something at him, and he says, "Just not one of the gnocchi. Those things could put someone's eye out."
Casa de Solis. Gaby comes home with grocery bags, apologizing for being late. She calls for Ivana to leave before Carlos gets home, but Carlos is in the other room, helping Juanita with schoolwork. Carlos tells her he got off work early and let their "cleaning woman" go home. He excuses Juanita. When they're alone, Gaby pretends she heard Celia fall down (she exists?), but Carlos makes her stay. She says she's sorry, but it's hard. Carlos thinks she can set aside a few hours each day to teach her own daughter. Gaby says she'll teach her many things: how to dress, put on makeup, get a boy to notice her. And that will be fun. But fractions, grammar, and history aren't her things and Juanita knows it. She says it's ruining their relationship. He thinks she's exaggerating, but when she tells him Juanita turned her down when she offered to take her to ice cream, he realizes she's right. She cries that some moms are made to home-school, but she's not one of them. He gives her a hug and says okay; they'll figure something else out. She asks if she can keep the housekeeper and he says, "Absolutely not." She cries harder, and he says, "I know." Man, if I made as much money as Carlos, I'd have several housekeepers.
Bolens. Angie's folding laundry when B
ree comes in to apologize. She says the names Angie called her were harsh but accurate and if she'd still be willing to work for her, she would be honored to have her in her kitchen. Angie thinks Bree must be drowning over there, and Bree admits it. Angie asks Bree why she doesn't like her, but Bree pretends she does; she finds her colorful and... Angie tells her enough with the tact, so Bree admits Angie makes her uncomfortable because she's candid (but isn't Karl also candid? She seems to like him just fine), what with her saying whatever she thinks and fighting with her husband in front of her. Angie tells Bree that not all marriages are as perfect as hers, but Bree says hers is not perfect. Angie doesn't believe it, so Bree confides that she and Orson barely speak and haven't shared a bed in three months. Angie can't believe it. Seriously? Bree seems like the coldest person in the world, so I don't know how anyone would think she ever shares a bed with anyone. Bree says their problems are personal and she's not like Angie, who can't keep anything to herself. Angie laughs, because if Bree only knew how much she keeps to herself. And if we only knew. Because I want to know. Angie says Bree thinks she's vulgar ... or whatever: candid. And she thinks Bree's a tight-ass. (Uh, Angie, give yourself some credit; you know this, not just think it.) But Angie needs a job and Bree needs help, so she takes the job. Then she asks Bree if she sits on the dryer since she doesn't have sex. Bree says Angie's just goading her and they leave. I think I'll like this friendship if it can make Bree even slightly less rigid.Police station. Susan's giving all the male detectives sandwiches to butter them up and talk shit about Kathy. She even gives them a jar of pickles. As she's talking bad about Kathy, though, Kathy comes in. When Susan greets her as Denise, Kathy tells her she knows she wants to call her Moose, so why not just do it. The other cops laugh, but walk off when Kathy glares at them. Susan apologizes for stealing her high school boyfriend, but she says she'd hate for their history to cloud Kathy's judgment, which is what she thinks since she saw her hugging Katherine. Kathy says she and Katherine have a lot in common, since Susan stole both of their boyfriends. Susan says she didn't steal Mike, but Katherine thinks she did, which is why Susan thinks she attacked Julie. But Kathy says Katherine was on the phone with her daughter all night, which is a pretty strong alibi, and they've even checked phone records. Kathy tells Susan she knows how to do her job. And she's discovered some interesting facts, such as Susan shooting Katherine. She says not reporting it was a crime. Susan tells Kathy to stop blaming her for the way her life turned out. She says Kathy needs closure and has the right to be happy. Kathy says Susan has the right to remain silent. Wow, Susan, don't set someone up like that if they have handcuffs and the power to arrest you. Then Kathy puts Susan in a jail cell and says this (she closes the bars) is called closure. Kathy cackles and leaves. Susan rolls her eyes. I do a little happy dance, although I'd be happier if Susan were more upset instead of annoyed.
Police station. Tom and Lynette show up to talk to the detectives, but they tell them they've passed that case to Kathy. Tom says they have some new information to report. Kathy's out on a call, but Lynette says this needs to be checked out right away. Tom wonders if they talked to Nick. They did, because he was Danny's dad, but Lynette says she's guessing he didn't mention his affair with Julie, which she had broken off right before her attack. The cops look quite interested. Then we're at the Bolens, where Angie's looking through her recipe cards when Nick comes home from wherever. She tells him the good news about getting a job with Bree. He asks if she'll still cook for him, and she says she will. Then she says she also needed to tell him the cops called wondering where he was the night of Julie's attack. He asks why they'd ask about him, and she says probably because he was having an affair with Julie. She says the cops didn't tell her anything; she's known for weeks (which makes her the new number one suspect, am I right?). He tries to apologize, but she asks him not to embarrass himself or her. She says it was a stupid thing, but they both know that neither of them can leave, so they'll have to get past it. He says he's so sorry and she says she's put him through a lot (but what has she put him through?) so he gets this one. He says he never attacked Julie, and she says she knows, which is why she lied and told the cops he was with her the entire night. So they weren't together, meaning one of them had to have done it? Although I still do sort of wish it were Katherine. He asks if they're okay, and she punches him hard in the face, says "Now we're okay," and walks off. His nose starts to bleed.
We see a schoolbook as Mary Alice begins her closing voiceover. She says there's only so much we can learn from books. They can't tell you how to make your wife happy (Carlos works with Juanita as Gaby waves with a shopping bag she's unloading from the car). They can't tell you how to appreciate your neighbor (Bree reads an Italian cookbook and watches Angie cook). They can't tell you if that man across the street is dangerous (Lynette sits with Penny and watches Nick work in his yard). No, says Mary Alice, the only way to truly learn is from your mistakes. Someone wheels a cart of books by Susan's jail cell and she grabs one. Mary Alice says that if those mistakes land you in jail, it might be nice to have a book to pass the time. Susan sits and reads Crime and Punishment. I doubt she'll be in jail that long.
week: Gaby's at confession. Lynette asks someone if they're sleeping with someone else. Gaby asks someone the same question. Katherine points to Susan in court and says she wanted her dead. Susan, who is sitting with Bob as her attorney, stands and says "Overruled." Poor Bob. Karl and Bree have sex. Susan invites Mike to have sex, and he wonders if he can bring his sandwich. She's fine with that. Lynette's stomach kicks Gaby, and her secret's out. Karl, looking awfully fit, ducks naked behind a bush. Gaby gives a check to a priest. Looks more fun than this episode. Can't wait.
DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, has never eaten -- let alone cooked -- braciole. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.
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