Now we get a Susan voiceover, as she tells us that when she first met Edie, it seemed like they'd be best friends. Susan, in an ugly robe, is taking out her garbage with a donut in her hand (who does that?!), when she drops it into the can. Edie comes up right as Susan fishes it out and starts eating it. Edie thinks that's disgusting, but Susan says it landed on a detergent box. Um, still disgusting. So Edie gives her money so she can buy a fresh donut, booze, crack, or "whatever eases the pain." Because she thinks Susan's homeless, see? I can totally see how they were practically best friends, can't you? Susan uses what's in the garbage bag to prove she lives in her house. They shake hands, and Edie says she just moved to the neighborhood. She says she'll tell Susan all about it over a margarita, but Susan invites her in for coffee instead. Edie wants all of the neighborhood gossip and would like to start with Bree, asking if she is a robot. (I'm sure that back in the car, Bree is loving this story about the "nice" Edie.) Susan is happy that Edie's funny and likes to gossip. She thinks they'll get along just fine.
, Susan and Edie are running together, and Susan needs to rest after four blocks. Susan admits she hates running, and Edie asks why she didn't say something sooner. Susan says she wants to be friends, but Edie likes running and she likes to sit. Just then, a couple walks by, and Susan says hi to "Helen" and "Ed." She tells Edie she would have introduced them except that Helen would never stop talking. Edie says that's what Ed told her. She's gotten to know him "quite well." Susan is too dense to get what Edie means, so Edie comes right out with, "We're kinda doing it." Susan: "Doing what?" Seriously. She asked that. In Susan's world, there are not women who sleep with married men. Susan tells Edie she's being immoral and committing adultery. Edie points out that Ed's committing adultery, but she's just having sex. Susan doesn't look convinced. Edie wants Susan to forget it, but Susan says she can't forget it since Helen is her "very good friend." Edie's all, "I thought you just said..." Susan says, "She is annoying and I hide when she knocks on my door, but she does not deserve for you to be wrecking her marriage." Susan leaves Edie standing on the street, and tells her she doesn't think she'll be her friend anymore.
Edie shows up on Susan's door and introduces herself as "the whore who lives down the street" and asks if she can borrow "a cup of condoms." See? Still funny. Susan asks if she's sure that will be enough. Edie tells Susan that she knows she doesn't like her, but she's here to do her a favor anyway. She tells her she was out to dinner last night and saw her husband with another woman. She feels bad saying it, but would want to know if she were in her shoes. She says, "You're welcome," and leaves. Susan stops Edie and says she knows this is just revenge because Susan judged her. Edie says if she'd wanted revenge, she would have joined them for a threesome. Susan says Karl would never cheat, and the woman, Brandy, was his secretary, who he was taking out for her birthday. Edie tips her hat to the classic "Taking my secretary out for her birthday" routine. Susan suggests going to Helen's so she can introduce them and they can swap stories about Ed's favorite positions. Edie says she's not the same as Brandy, because she isn't trying to break up a marriage. She's just having fun and helping a man through a midlife crisis. Susan snits that Edie's just a giver, and Edie tells Susan to go ahead and use all of her energy judging her and ignore the real problem. She says this is her area of expertise (she's an affair expert!) and she saw the look in that woman's eyes; she's in it for keeps. Susan asks her to leave, and Edie says she was trying to be a good neighbor, since this was the moral thing to do.
Back in the car, Susan says she found Brandy's bra in Karl's glove compartment three weeks later. Gaby says Edie really understood men [Although in this case her analysis was based on knowing women. - Z], and Mrs. McCluskey says all those years of research had to have helped. Susan can't help thinking about all of the times she and Edie sniped at each other, when they could have been good friends. Lynette tells Susan that if Edie knew what Susan was about to do for her, she'd forgive her for everything.
After commercial, Lynette and Susan have switched places so Susan's driving now. In the middle seat, Gaby says her hour is up and someone else needs to hold the urn now. Lynette volunteers. She opens the lid and says it kinda looks like cat litter. Susan scolds Lynette not to look at Edie, and Lynette asks if she'll turn to stone. Gaby takes the urn back as Bree tells Lynette a little more reverence for the dead is in order. Lynette's all, "Oh, please. We're talking about Edie." She takes the urn back and puts the lid back on it. She asks if they remember when they took turns driving her to chemo. She says none of them did it like Edie...
...And we're in the past, with Edie walking in to Lynette's and asking how she's feeling. Lynette says she's fine, and Edie gives her the DVD she asked for. Lynette says she'll watch it during chemo if she feels up to it. Katherine walks in with a tray of food that Edie thinks looks disgusting. Katherine says it's a health shake of fermented brown rice, and a salad of bok choy, radish, and some sort of root. Edie asks if waterboarding is for dessert. But Lynette thanks Katherine for it, and then Katherine leaves. She says she'll be back to drive her to chemo. Before she leaves, Lynette asks Katherine to put her socks back on for her. Edie looks disgusted. She takes the socks and volunteers to take Lynette to chemo instead. Katherine leaves, and Edie asks where Lynette's coat is. Lynette says chemo's not until 5, but Edie says she has to make a little stop on the way.
That stop is at a biker bar, where Edie and Lynette are greeted with a shout of "Edie!" It might be because Edie is wearing a flowy white shirt that fastens at her breasts but then is totally open beneath that. Apparently, she really wanted to showcase her assets in her final episode. Lynette says she has chemo in a half-hour, so Edie tells her to start drinking. Lynette says she's not supposed to drink, and Edie's argument is that they're not supposed to do tattoos in the kitchen, either, but she has a bald eagle on her ass that says otherwise. She orders two tequila shooters. Because what someone sick with chemo needs is shots that will make them more sick. A long-haired pool player named Reggie comes up to Edie, and offers to play Lynette in pool. She's all, "No, I can't," lifts her head scarf and says, "See? Cancer." Reggie detaches his left arm and says "No sweat. I'll play you one-handed." Lynette wants to talk to Edie alone. She tells her she needs to go to chemo because she has cancer. Edie's all, "Yeah, I heard." Lynette asks what Edie wants from her, and Edie says she wants Lynette to start fluffing her own pillows and fighting this thing. Lynette says she's doing her best, but Edie thinks that's not even close to true. She says Lynette's the strongest person she knows -- even stronger than Edie, which is saying something. She knows she's a little out of line bringing her here, but Lynette needs to remember who she is. "Screw cancer. You are Lynette Scavo." Lynette's teary as she takes her shot, because a tequila shooter in a biker bar is totally how she will remember who she is. She asks where Reggie is, because she'd like to "shoot some stick."
And we're back in the car, where all of the ladies are laughing at the wacky high jinks of the nice Edie we never knew while she was actually alive. Bree says "Good for Edie," and Lynette says Edie never let her forget it, either; she always insisted the tequila shooters killed the cancer. A loud noise signals that they have a flat tire, which Gaby would like to take as a sign they're not supposed to do this today, but Bree just says, "Nice try." Susan says they don't have time for this, and asks if anyone knows how to change a tire. They all look at Mrs. McCluskey, who sighs us into commercial.
After commercial, she is, in fact, changing the tire. So I guess that was a "yes." She asks Gaby for a cross wrench, and threatens to hit her with it. Bree says that Edie used to live near where they are now when she moved away from Wisteria. Mrs. McCluskey says, "You mean when you girls gave her the boot?" Lynette replies, much to my horror (and surely Felicity Huffman's as well): "Less yakkin', more jackin'." [Seriously, couldn't Mrs. McCluskey just tell the younger, stronger women what to do? This is some cheap comedy right here. - Z] Susan asks how Bree knew where Edie lived, and Bree says she ran into her once, unexpectedly, in a place she never thought she'd see her.
We flash back to a jail, where Bree's waiting to visit with Orson. As she heads into the waiting room, she sees it's full of other prisoners and their visitors. Bree asks the guard if there's a private room, but there obviously isn't. Bree tells the guard that an upgraded visiting room is probably a perk people would be willing to pay for. The guard says this is a prison, and the only perk they offer is a cavity search. (I'm thinking this guard doesn't know the meaning of the word "perk.") Bree says she's not feeling up to this, and will have to come back again. The guard says that's fine, since he has another visitor anyway, so she won't have to tell him his wife came and left. Bree's surprised about the other visitor, but the guard says "she visits him every week," but she can't give Bree her name. Okay, so are we supposed to believe that Orson has been in prison long enough for someone to come visit "every week," but Bree has not yet visited? I think Bree's too proper not to visit. Although she was sort of busy being a drunk, so maybe that has something to do with her taking so long to show up. Bree says that if a woman is visiting her husband, she has a right to know her name. The guard says she's sorry, but she can't do that, until Bree says that would be a perk worth paying for.
Edie opens her door to greet Bree, still dressed in the outfit she had on at the prison. So, we are to assume that, instead of confronting Edie at the prison (since she was expected to visit Orson ), she left the prison, waited for Edie to get back from visiting him, and went to Edie's. Whatever, stupid timeline. Anyway, Edie asks what Bree's doing there, and Bree says she wanted to see her. Edie: "And you didn't bring muffins?" Hee. Bree seethes that it isn't that kind of visit. She walks in and Edie shuts the door. Edie asks if she should be scared or grateful, what with the lack of muffins and small talk. Bree says she stopped by the prison, and the guard told her Edie's been visiting, sometimes twice a week. She asks what Edie's up to. Edie says she's not up to anything, "you red-headed ice cube." She says he's only 15 minutes away, and she feels sorry for him, and knows what it's like to be exiled from suburbia. Bree asks if she's trying to start something up, and Edie says he's in jail. She knows her boobs are impressive, but they can't bend iron bars. [Are conjugal visits not available everywhere, or are they only for wives? - Z] Bree thanks her for checking in on him, and for answering her question. She gets up to leave.
Before she makes it out the door, though, Edie has a question for her: Why isn't Bree visiting him? Bree gets stuttery and says her schedule is unreal with the catering company and looking after Benjamin. Edie says everyone's busy, so what's her real reason? Bree says the jail is disgusting, with all those men in cages like animals. She says it's humiliating for her to even step foot in that place. Edie says that Orson went to jail for Bree; doesn't that give her some idea of how much he must love her? Bree says she does. Edie asks why she can't suck it up once a month and go say hi, then? To help him get through this? Bree looks away, and Edie tells Bree she actually shouldn't visit him, because he can do so much better than her. [Not in prison. - Z] She opens her door, and Bree walks out.
Then she's at the prison, sitting in an otherwise empty visiting room (she found the best time to come, when no one else has visitors, apparently), when Orson walks in. She asks how he's doing, and he asks how she thinks. She says she shouldn't have asked, because she knows it's horrible here. He asks how she'd know, since she's never been. She says he has every right to hate her for asking him to come here, insisting he turn himself in. She says she doesn't know what she was thinking, and he says she was thinking he needed to take responsibility, and she was right. She asks him if he can ever forgive her for asking him to do this and then never coming to see him. He asks her to be there when he gets out. They hold hands and she cries.
Back in the present, Bree says she never told anyone that because she was embarrassed. Gaby's all, "Yeah, Edie shamed you into being a better human being. That is embarrassing." Mrs. McCluskey says the tire's fixed and the car's ready to go. Susan's glad, because she was hoping they'd be there before dark. Gaby wonders how he'll react when they tell him, and Lynette repeats the query. Ooh, mysterious.
Another round of commercials later, Mrs. McCluskey's holding the urn, with Susan driving, Gaby in the passenger seat and Lynette and Bree in the middle seat. Mrs. McCluskey never thought Edie would want to be cremated, because she thought she'd want to be pumped full of chemicals and preserved. Lynette steals my joke: "Isn't that what she did for the last 15 years?" Bree says her theory is that Edie didn't want her true date of birth carved into her tombstone for all the world to see, so she chose cremation. Susan asks if they really think she spent a lot of time thinking about her death. Gaby says, "Yeah. I do."
And we're in our Gaby flashback. She apparently spent a night with Edie right after she and Carlos got divorced (and before Edie and Carlos were a couple, apparently). Gaby's putting on lipstick, because she and Edie are going clubbing. Gaby can't believe they've never gone out on the town together, and she feels sorry for all the other girls in the bar. So does Edie. She thinks to be fair, they should walk in backwards. Then she looks at her backside in the mirror, and says, "Oh, no, that won't work." Edie says they're the hottest chicks on Wisteria Lane, and Gaby tells her to be nice and that there are lot of attractive women on the street. Edie: "Like who?" (Once again, I'm sure the others are loving the nice Edie stories.) Gaby suggests Bree, and Edie says with that hair color, if you stuck a red nose on her, she could join the circus. Gaby says Lynette's beautiful, to which Edie replies, "Hmph. For a baby factory." Gaby mentions Susan, and Edie just says, "We're the hottest, okay?" What? No insults for Susan? Gaby comes out of the closet in a short little red dress, and Edie says, "Wow." Gaby heads out, and Edie tucks up her already-short skirt so it's even shorter.
As soon as the ladies sit at the bar, the bartender brings them a drink from the guy at the end of the bar. Edie grabs it, but the bartender says it's actually for Gaby. The guy who sent it winks. Edie says the guy probably didn't get a good look at her. Gaby tells Edie not to take it personally; they're just different types. Edie bitchily says she's right: "Some men like tall, blonde and sexy, and some men like (she looks Gaby up and down) that." Gaby tells her not to be snarky, because they're both hot. But then she says she's obviously hotter. Edie insults her boobs, so Gaby points out that at least they're real. Edie tries to protest hers are real, but Gaby's not falling for that big fat lie. Edie thinks Gaby's jealous, then she makes fun of her for being short. They continue to argue over who's hotter. Gaby's using her drink as her argument that it's her, and Edie's using her maniacal self-confidence as hers. Edie challenges Gaby to see who can get the most drinks bought for them in an hour. They part ways.
Montage of Edie trying very hard to get drinks, but not having much success; and Gaby getting drink after drink brought to her. Edie does get a couple sympathy drinks, but then Gaby unzips her dress and flashes her bra. The bartender literally turns and gives her the drinks someone else had ordered. Ha! Take that, Edie. They're both putting the swizzle sticks in their purses. Edie thinks she won with her small handful of sticks until Gaby pulls out about three times as many sticks. Gaby excuses herself, because a certain swizzle stick owner has a yacht and giant feet.
Later that night, Gaby's pulling up at the Wisteria Lane park in a cab. Edie's sitting in a swing, looking sad. Gaby asks what the hell she was thinking, abandoning her at a singles bar? Edie says she's sorry, but she needed to be by herself for awhile. Gaby thinks Edie shouldn't be depressed about losing some stupid game. Edie says she's not depressed; just surprised. She says her youth has gone by so quickly, and the harder she tries to cling to it, the faster it goes away. Gaby tells her she's gorgeous, and that she'll stay that way forever. Edie says that's the tricky part: She's not going to be old. She's known since she was a child that she'd never see 50. She says a voice in her head has told her all her life to live it up, because there won't be a lot of tomorrows. Gaby tells her there is medication to get rid of those voices. But Edie says it's not a bad thing; it's a gift. She appreciates her life in a way most people don't. But she didn't expect it to go by this fast. Gaby says a voice in her head tells her that Edie's wrong -- that 50 years from now they'll still be acting the same way. Gaby wants to go to her house and drink wine.
Back in the car, Gaby says it's so weird that Edie knew she was going to die young. No one talks until Susan says, "What do you mean, you two were the hottest chicks on the lane?" Lynette: "She called me a 'baby factory'?" Mrs. McCluskey says that maybe Gaby shouldn't have told that part of the story after all. Gaby blows them off as they pull up to a fancy brick building that says "Beecher Academy." Bree thinks they're "here." They get out and Gaby asks if they're ready for this. Bree wonders if you can ever be ready to tell a boy that his mother's dead.
The five ladies knock on a dorm room door and ask Travers if he remembers them. He does, and asks if his mom's with them. They all get quiet, but Bree steps forward and gives him muffins, suggesting he can share them with a roommate or a teacher. He asks if his mom's in trouble or something. Lynette grabs him and sits down on the couch with him. She tells him the bad news: Edie was in a serious accident and died. Travers asks when, and they tell him it was a couple days ago. They've been trying to get in touch with Travers' dad, but he's apparently out of the country, and since Creepy Dave's never met Travers, he thought it would be best if they told him. Bree offers to give him a moment, but Travers just says he's okay. And he actually seems to be. He says, "Well, I have a class," and gets up to leave. Gaby says the school would probably understand if he needs to miss a few days. He doesn't need to. He's sorry she's dead, but they weren't very close. Bree says she was his mother. He says, "Technically. But not a very good one." Susan tells him that everyone here is a mom, and they all make mistakes. But they count on their kids growing up and forgiving them. (Aha. So that's how parenting works?!) Travers says his mom didn't even try to raise him. She just handed him to his father and walked away. He asks how they can expect him to forgive that. He says he's sorry to be rude, but he's going to be late. As he's walking out in his huff, Mrs. McCluskey grabs him by the tie and says he needs to know something about his mom, and she's going to tell him. She makes him sit down.
We're in Mrs. McCluskey's flashback, where she's sitting on her couch, disheveled, drinking and wearing a robe. She says she'd only known Edie about a year when she came over this day. Edie comes in, and tells Karen her porch light's on (in the middle of the day? Egads!). When she sees Karen, she says, "Woah. Sitting in your bathrobe drinking and you didn't call me?" That's cute. I'm glad Mrs. McCluskey gets the last Edie story, because they actually were more like friends than Edie was with any of the others. Mrs. McCluskey says she kind of wanted to be alone, because it's the anniversary of her son's death. She says she thinks it will get easier every year, but it never does, that there's nothing worse than losing a child. She tells Edie she's kind of lucky she doesn't have any. Edie says she actually does have a son. Mrs. McCluskey asks how she doesn't know this after Edie's lived here for a year. Edie says he lives with his father, to whom she gave full custody. She says she kind of knows how Mrs. M. feels, since they both lost a kid, in a way.
Mrs. McCluskey is rightfully offended. She puts her drink down and says, "No. I lost a kid. You gave yours away." Edie says she gave her son up because she wanted to protect him from herself. She tried to be a good mom, but she knows herself. She knows that if he was going to grow up normal, he needed to be away from her. Mrs. McCluskey says that's a selfish cop-out. Edie says that there's nothing Mrs. McCluskey can say to make her feel worse than she already does, but if it gives him a chance, it's worth it. Mrs. McCluskey asks if she isn't afraid he's going to hate her. She says she loves him enough to let him hate her, as she cries. Mrs. McCluskey pours her a drink and says she hopes she's not making a big mistake. Edie says, "Me, too."
Back in the dorm room, Mrs. McCluskey says she's not defending everything Edie did, but he has to know that his mom loved him, more than he can imagine. He says he really has to get to class and leaves. The ladies head to the car, and Mrs. McCluskey calls shotgun. They comment on how good she is at calling it, and Gaby snarks that she should be since she rode shotgun on an actual stagecoach. That little piece of dialogue makes me mad for so many reasons. First of all, it's pointless. Second, was it just plugged in to fill time? Or to make an old joke? Because, third, if she's so good at it, why was she in the back seat the entire way to Travers' school? Gah. Stupid writing.
Thankfully, Travers runs out to interrupt the silly banter. He tells them he realized he never thanked them for coming all this way just to tell him. He says it was really cool of them. Bree says they felt they owed it to his mom. Gaby realizes suddenly that they forgot to give him the ashes. She grabs them out of the car and gives them to him. Susan says she thought he might want to scatter them somewhere. Lynette makes me laugh, even in this sad moment, by adding, "Unless that's a little... weird for you." He asks for them to take her ashes. He says they were her best friends, and he's sure they can think of the perfect place to put her. Litter box!
The ladies arrive home after dark. Lynette's driving and everyone else is asleep. She tries to wake them, but they're all zonked, so she honks. [And then continues to talk to them like she's waking a sleeping baby, which is hysterical. - Z] They make small talk about her causing a heart attack and Susan's (or Gaby's) leg being asleep. They thank Lynette for driving, and everyone starts to get out. Mrs. McCluskey (who is, in fact, riding shotgun at least) tells them to hold it, since they have to figure out where to spread the ashes. They all sigh, like it's totally annoying. Mrs. McCluskey says it has to be a place that was meaningful to Edie. Gaby suggests finding the cow pasture where Edie told her she lost her virginity. Bree asks if they can do this tomorrow, since the ashes won't go bad overnight. They all get out, and Mrs. McCluskey goes home and sits alone with the ashes. She asks Edie what they're going to do with her, and then the wind blows her door open.
She gets up, of course, to go shut the door. But she looks outside and looks up and down the street and sees... Wisteria Lane. She tells Edie she's "subtle as always." The day, they're putting the ashes inside five smaller containers, as Bree tells Mrs. McCluskey this was a wonderful idea. She says it wasn't exactly hers. Dude, Edie's dead; just take the credit! They all have their cute little white containers (they're like miniature urns). Bree thinks they should say something about Edie first, but Gaby thinks Edie wouldn't want them to be sappy. Mrs. McCluskey thinks if they're quick, she'd be okay with it. Lynette says they should each say one word that sums up what they thought of her. Gaby: "And then we dump her?" Lynette: "And then we dump her." Susan thinks this is hard, but Gaby says she'll go first. She chooses "sexy." Bree says "perceptive." Lynette says "strong." Mrs. McCluskey says "beautiful." Susan says she needs four words. They all get annoyed, but Susan says to do her justice she needs four words. Gaby says Edie would so not be surprised Susan's ruining this moment. Lynette tells her to go ahead, and Susan says, "one of a kind." They all look like they think that's perfect. [Imagine if she had said "unique"! - Z] And they part ways.
We're back with our way-overdoing-it Edie voiceover, as she tells us that that is how she came to finally rest on Wisteria Lane. Her ashes were spread over grass she once walked on, beneath trees that had given her shade, on roses she had admired, and beside fences she's gossiped over. [Aside from Lynette sprinkling Edie by the gym equipment her kids play on, the rest of them are basically sprinkling her on their flowers. Hope they don't all wither and die. ...Lynette's kids, too. - Z] She says that after her friends had finished saying good-bye, a wind came along and took what was left of her into the air. As she looked down on the world, she began to let go of it all: picket fences, cars, coffee cups, vacuum cleaners -- all of those things that seem so ordinary, until you put them together and they make a life, that was truly one of a kind. She finishes up by telling us it's not hard to die if you really lived, and she really did. Blech. Whatever. It was better the first time. Did anyone really want Edie to go out with that much sap?
Anyway, moving on to an Edie-free existence. week: Bree can't put up with something from Orson. Carlos sees Lynette naked. Gaby doesn't want Tom to cheat on Lynette, so he tells her to butt out. Susan apparently finds Creepy Dave and questions him. He tells her she needs to leave. We see a dead-looking arm draped over something. And Susan gets arrested -- possibly framed, even?
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see why vlogger Sean Crespo is skeptical of the Housewives' problems on No Prior Knowledge!
DeAnn is a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.