Well, here all we cocksuckers are, gathered for the start of Season Two, thirsting for whiskey, women and walloping beat downs like the man-hungry pigs in Wu's sty. And here some new folks are: a nice-looking lady, traveling with a young boy and a few whores in a coach bound for...guess where? It's a bouncy ride to Deadwood and the kid's got a lot of boobs to keep his eyes occupied.
In the Grand Central, Bullock is paying a call on Mrs. Garret. In Mrs. G's room, Sophia (now English-Speaking and Featuring a New Wig!) is being tutored by...a total stranger we've neither seen nor heard of, some lady. She's pretty. And smart, obviously, because she knows that Bullock's arrival should signal her exit, with Sophia, stage right. Bullock says good morning to Sophia and apologizes for interrupting her lesson. She says "we're finished," and is immediately rebuked by her nameless tutor, who takes her by the hand to complete her lesson downstairs.
Cut to Al's office at the Gem. Silas Adams, bag man to the stars, is telling Al about the new arrangements for the territory. The hills will be divided into three counties, each to be presided over by a commissioner. Now, like me, I'm sure you've all missed Al so much, you were holding your breath to hear his first line of the season. We're looking at the back of his head when Adams says this thing about the commissioners, and as much as I love Al, it's impossible not to laugh to hear him ask, "Appointed by fuckin' who?" Listen, David Milch, you are awesome indeed, but it's just not necessary to have Al modify every noun with a swear word. Just every other noun. It wouldn't be so funny if he didn't do it again in his line. Adams tells Al it's the governor who is in charge of making the appointments. Al wants to know "when the fuck" that happens. Adams breaks it to him that it already has, and it's three jags from Yankton who will be filling the jobs.
Al ain't pleased -- he'd prefer to have someone appointed who is "from the fucking hills" -- but Dan sees the silver lining. If they're all the governor's people, it saves time. "Just travel to one location," Dan says, "murder the three of 'em -- see how they like bein' commissioner after they're dead." Al gets a gleam in his eye.
In the Bella Union, Joanie is knocking on the door of another of the working girls, the beautiful Lila. She tells her there's a coach coming. Lila wonders if it contains Joanie's "friend and her girls." Joanie is nervous and excited. She says she doesn't know, as the coach is still up in the hills. Lila asks if Joanie would like her to come out and watch for the coach. Joanie very sweetly says no, then says yes, then kind of fidgets off saying "well, do whatever you want, but...I'll wait outside for you." It's, like, 15 seconds, and I like it. First of all, this Lila chick...smoking. Also, I didn't absolutely love Joanie last season, but this very brief scene gives her a bit of personality we've never seen -- she's hopeful.
Back at the hotel, Bullock is, ahem, "going over Mrs. Garret's accounts." Nudge, nudge. Okay, fine, he really IS. He's explaining some paperwork to her, as she prepares to have the gold from her claim shipped to Denver. She points to a figure on the ledger and asks, "Is that my worth?" It's the perfect setup for Bullock to sweetly clench out, "That's the amount on deposit. Your worth is considerably more." They both try not to smile at this, and shuffle some papers around. Mrs. G thanks him for his attention "in all these matters." With formality, he says "you're welcome" and stands to leave. She stands to show him out, but his passion overrides propriety, and he clenches her into a blazing embrace, complete with tongues and mutual undressing.
Things are still sour over in Al's office. Adams hands over a letter from Governor Pennington. Al is irritated by the mere existence of the letter, and tells Adams and Dan to sit down as he pulls out a magnifying glass to help him read. Noting their stares at this weakness, he says, "Yes. It has fallen to this." Adams pours them all a much-needed shot as Al squints through the letter.
Downstairs, Ellsworth has come in to the hotel lobby to wait for further instructions on how to handle Mrs. Garret's gold shipment. Everyone in the hotel -- including E.B. Farnum, Merrick, the newspaper editor, and Sophia with her tutor -- is trying to pretend they don't hear the floor-shaking, plaster-rattling bed-rocking going on in Mrs. G's room upstairs. Ellsworth looks uncomfortable as E.B. snakily quizzes him on his duties. E.B. tells him he'll have to wait a while for the owner to come down. "Mrs. Garret consults with Mr. Bullock," E.B. says. "In Bullock's capacity, of course, as her claims trustee." Ellsworth has had about enough of E.B.'s inferences, and tells him, "That's all the cleverness on that subject I'm inclined to hear from you." I love the use of Ellsworth in this show. Sometimes he's like a Greek chorus, other times he blends in to the action. I hope he sticks around.
But, well, speaking of "sticking," Bullock is upstairs at that moment, doing just that to the widow Garret. My goodness. The bed is, indeed, bangin'. So much so that downstairs, plaster falls on the head of young Sophia, receiving her language instruction. The tutor sweeps it wordlessly away, and in a very funny moment, blows some of the dust out of the kid's bangs. Hilarious. Maybe they don't have her in a new wig? I can't tell yet. It's either that or they've dyed the child's hair to Miss Clairol 47: Children of the Corn Blonde. Back at the desk, E.B. offers Ellsworth a biscuit, saying they're "piping fresh." "Yeah," Ellsworth responds, clearly still uncomfortable with the drilling his bosses are giving each other upstairs, "when both of us was young."
Back to Al. He's reading the letter, and now that we're getting a longer look at him, it's obvious he's boozed up. Dan and Adams look a little worried, and Adams tries to distract Al from the letter, which he knows will anger him. "Anyways," Adams says, "I could use a bath..." Yes, Adams, too true. Everybody in Deadwood could use a bath. Even the people currently taking baths.
Al reads: "I urge you, Mr. Swearengen, not to take as injury to your interest my appointing only men from Yankton." Oh, but Al takes it as injury. He continues to read the governor's letter, clearly regarding it as bullshit. Dan poetically calls Governor Pennington a lying snake, while Al consults Adams, asking, "Well, what am I to make of this?" Adams gives him the eyebrow and tells him the governor doesn't know yet what he wants to do about the camp -- Adams thinks Pennington is not sure what he'd be up against in Deadwood. No kidding. Al postulates that could be "cause for cutting some fucking throats," and looks meaningfully over at Dan, who seems ready to do it. Adams reminds them, however, that such an action would put them right where the gov wants them. Al knows he's right, and has to take an angry swig straight from the bottle.
In a quick cut over to the hotel, we see that Bullock and Mrs. Garret are...still at it. This time, she's on top. I shield my eyes once more, and fan myself with a magazine.
Outside, men are erecting a telegraph pole. This irritates Al even further. "Messages from invisible sources," he mutters. "Or what some people think of as progress." Dan makes the mistake of wonderkilling: "Well ain't the heathens used smoke signals all through recorded history?" Al swings on him: "How's that a fuckin' recommendation?!" I have to pause here and laugh hysterically, mentally filing that response away for the time my husband starts a sentence with "Well, historically speaking..." which is at least once an hour. Dan cringes, but soldiers on, like all wonderkillers will: "Well, it seems to me like letters posted one person to another is just a slower version of the same idea..."
Al wants to know when was the last time Dan got a letter from a stranger. Dan cuts his eyes to the side and says, "Bad news about Pa..." Aw, MAN! Sweet Dan. This just confirms what Al's thinking. "Bad news!" he says at the beginning of a rant about how all the telegraph will bring is bad news. "Ain't the state of things cloudy enough?" he asks. "Don't we face enough fuckin' imponderables?" Dan agrees. "By God, you give the word, Al, and them poles'll be kindling." Now, we all know it's not, but I'll support any Deadwood forum poster who wants to consider that whole scene a shout-out to the internet.
Back in Mrs. Garret's web -- I mean, ROOM -- the dirty work is finally done. She is reclining on the bed, pretty much in the buff. She asks Bullock if, after they've made love, he's happy. Man, isn't that what men are always accusing women of doing? Asking too many questions? Alma, Alma, Alma...you have the hottest and most upstanding man in town cheating on his wife and putting you above his own business and personal welfare. Please...shut up.
He says after they've gotten it on, he'll get up, intending to do something, but suddenly find himself distracted, thinking of her. Just now, he says, he was thinking her toes are beautiful. You've got to believe him, because clearly he's so relaxed, he's not even clenching in the slightest.
The woman giggles like a schoolgirl. A NAKED schoolgirl, and, like, runs her toes up his arm, showing us all her ass. No, really, I just saw her ass. It's nice to see Mrs. G getting so comfortable, you know? She doesn't need laudanum anymore, I guess, now that she's addicted to Clench.
They are interrupted when Ellsworth knocks on the door, reminding them that somebody needs to come out and direct him on what to do with the damn gold shipment before the men he's hired start falling to drink. Bullock starts to get up to take care of it, but before he can go, Alma leans up, saying, "Now, I believe in you," and kisses him. I can only assume that when the camera cuts away, they have sex AGAIN.
Ellsworth goes out and starts the guys loading the shipment. There are guards there, too, who will ride with the gold to Denver. Al is watching all from his porch, and asks Dan and Adams "Does Bullock think...if I wanted it...them four horsemen with rifles'd ward me off that woman's gold?" Dan says maybe Bullocks's just taking precautions against other "operators." Damn, Dan is mouthy today. However, Al agrees, adding, "No precautions of his protect her -- them other operators forbear out of respect for me and knowing what hot blood your blade would draw if they ever fuckin' presumed."
Dan says Bullock doesn't mean the guards as insult, and Al says that the bad thing is, Dan's fucking right. Bullock, he says, because he's so enamored of Mrs. Garret, doesn't know "if he's breathing, or taking it in through gills...he is that fuckin' c*ntstruck." Al's really getting into it now: "They're afloat, in some fairy-fuckin' bubble, lighter'n air. Him, her snatch, and his stupid fucking badge." One gets the feeling he could go on for a good while, but just then, a shot rings out down the road. Al takes another in a long line of swigs, and wearily asks, "Where's that from?" Dan guesses it's from Number 10. Al: "Hope it ain't Tom Nuttall, takin' the quick fuckin' way out."
But no, it's not. Nuttall himself runs out into the street, and Bullock clenches down towards Number 10. Al picks up where he left off on his rant. "Self-deceiving cocksucker, I am. I thought when America took us in, Bullock would prove a fucking resource. Look at him, stridin' out like some randy, maniac bishop." Al is clearly regretting supporting Bullock for the sheriff's post. As a matter of fact, he's regretting it to a degree which forces him to yell at Bullock as he walks beneath those gathered on the porch. "Sheriff...about his duties to the camp! Lucky trouble didn't jump out earlier, huh, Bullock? Might've found you mid-thrust at other business." Ohhh, snap.
Bullock, in the middle of the street, whips his head up, clenching hard. "What?" Al boozily asks. "Taken by a vision? You would not want to be staring like that at me." Oh, Bullock's going to do more than stare now that Al has gone and slung mud on the good name of his secret piece of ass. Things are getting intense, but you know, there was that shot that just rang out and all -- Nuttall uncomfortably tells Bullock that "it's only Bummer Dan, but I think he's killed" -- and Bullock clenches to Al to "be where I can find ya." "I," Al says, with feeling, "ain't going no place." Cock(sucker)fight! Dan and Adams look at each other like "aw, hell," and even Al hangs his head, probably thinking about how inconvenient it is for him to have to kill a man this early in the day when he has so many other things on his mind.
Stepping back in the office, Dan tiredly says he'll go get the big gun. But no, Al says that won't be necessary. That's not how this one is going to go down. He shoos them out -- sending Dan to take care of the Gem's patrons and telling Adams to go on and have his bath -- and starts slamming around his office, bitching about Bullock and finally revealing what he really IS so mad about. Al's kidney stones are bothering him something awful. Most likely, all that whiskey is not helping.
Down at Nuttall's, Bummer Dan lies dead from Harry the bartender's gun. Apparently, Harry mistook Bummer Dan for Slippery Dan, much to the misfortune of ol' Bummer. I am already laughing, so hard. Perfect time for a little comic relief. (Though I wonder why everybody has to be named Dan, when there's already a character on the show with the name. Why not Bummer and Slippery...John? No. You're right. That's not as funny.) Charlie, in his role as deputy, has come in with Bullock, and says he'll go and hear the story from the rest of the drunks in the bar while Bullock interviews Harry. Nuttall is filling in the story, and explains that Harry had just warned Slippery Dan away from the bar, after Slippery whipped out his wang and peed all in the spittoon. Nuttall sums it up like your average innocent bystander on Cops: "Well, Harry shouts for Slippery to stop, but Slippery casts his johnson toward Harry, and pisses at him over the bar. Harry's shirt front's urine-sopped, still." Harry produces this evidence, frustrating Bullock, who agrees that that's all as well may be, but the dead guy on the floor is Bummer Dan. Just when he's about to fully clench about it all, none other than Slippery himself careens into the bar -- Nuttall: "Thar! That's Slippery!" -- and falls to his knees at the body of his same-named friend. "Bummer...fucking dead!"
Charlie pulls him up in front of Bullock and demands that he tell his part in this fiasco. Slippery: "My part, Sheriff, was puttin' Bummer in my jacket and sendin' the poor fuck in here." Bullock, who has not forgotten he is scheduled to get bitch-slapped by the biggest badass in town in about five minutes, asks to what purpose Slippery has engaged in these shenanigans. Aw, mayn -- Slippery was just trying to pull a fast one on Harry. He was thinking maybe if Harry winged one at Bummer, thinking it was Slippery..."it'd be funny." Oh, yes, Bullock just thinks it's hilarious. Only two very drunk idiots named Dan could concoct this brilliance. Give them a Darwin Award.Harry asks Bullock what about his personal liability in the matter. "Ain't gettin' pissed on provocation?" Bullock delivers sentence, through clenched teeth. "You didn't kill who you meant to, or...mean to kill the man you did." Since they're talking it over, all gentlemanly-like, Slippery would like to know his liability, as well. "Is it," he asks, "worse in some way?" Bullock is in MEGA-CLENCH now as he moves to the door. He doesn't have time for any of this. He tells Slippery to box Bummer and see that he's buried and then tells all the gathered cocksuckers to "WATCH IT."
As he leaves, we see Slippery fall again at Bummer's side, declaring this worst joke he's ever played. He wonders aloud why he drinks the way he does. Charlie is so over it. He stomps out, telling Harry that if Slippery ever plays that "prick stunt" again, to shoot him.
Charlie goes on out to try to stop Bullock, who is headed to the Gem. Bullock says he's got "private bidness, thanks." But, as we all know, Charlie is no fool -- he stresses to Bullock that with Dan and Adams at Al's side, this bidness will be less than private. Bullock turns and thanks him again, just as the damn "Soap with a Prize Inside" guy comes walking up, hawking his wares. How is this guy not dead yet? From starvation, I mean. Because, I'll say it again: ain't nobody in Deadwood using soap, far as I can tell. And honestly, Bullock is already pissy, so the guy could not have worse timing. Bullock clenches him and reminds him that he was told to keep an interval between himself and legitimate merchants. Soapy: "I keep my interval, Sheriff! It's their growth that's crowdin' me!" God, being Sheriff has got to be hard. If this WERE Cops, Soapy would be one of those guys wearing a dirty undershirt, selling his disabled mother's OxyContin around the trailer park. Bullock still has a clench on his arm, and drags him down the street, counting off the appropriate distance he is to keep between himself and all the upstanding trade going on. You know, the whoremongering and money-changing. All that.
Over at the Bella Union, Joanie and Lila have come out on the porch to see what there is to see. Cy finds them and joins them, asking what brings them out this morning. Joanie explains it's the stage from Bismarck. Cy: "Bismarck, you say? Don't the kid in all of us look forward to the new arrival? I still tingle at the bottom of my balls." Urgh...Cy gives me the creeps. I don't want to think of his balls, which are probably adorned in as much makeup as his face. He theorizes that the coach perhaps contains President Hayes...or maybe jugglers or face painters! Haaa ha ha ha! May-BE. Is Cy drunk? He asks Joanie where she feels it, and just like him, she feels it at the bottom of Cy's balls. Gross.
Meanwhile, in the coach, one of the ladies comments that "the air's gone a little fixed." Somebody's cut the cheese. Mrs. Bullock -- for that is who the nice lady is, traveling with her son -- looks sideways at the boy and says she thinks she "knows the one that fixed it." Har.
Here is where I point out that one of the harlots, high-class though they may be, riding with the Bullocks is played by none other than Alice Krige, who Star Trek: The Generation fans will recognize as the Borg Queen. What? Don't look at me like that! I just happen to recognize her, is all, from, uh...when I caught that one movie on cable. Once. It's not like I am in love with Patrick Stewart and dream of living with him on a spaceship, or anything. MOVING ON!
Mrs. Bullock points out the people in the camp getting their panning supplies in order. The kid proudly states that no one will catch MR. Bullock doing any panning for gold. The Borg...whore (Whorg? No.) confirms with the kid that this Bullock he's talking about is, indeed, the Sheriff. He nods and lists off his stepdad's resume: "Partner in Bullock and Star Hardware; Sheriff of Deadwood camp." Aw.
The coach rattles on toward camp, passing a horse on the side of the road that, at first glance, looks to be without a rider. On closer inspection, however, we see that's not the case. Lurching up from the saddle comes Calamity Jane, just in time to deliver her one line of the episode: "COCKSUCKERS!"
Bullock enters the Gem, all business, passing Trixie at the door. She runs out, presumably to get help, because there will no doubt be an ass-whipping in short order. Pausing at the stairs, he turns to Dan, who is waiting there with Adams. "Do I," Bullock asks, "need to watch my back against you?" Dan is disappointed to tell him that Al said to stay out of it. Bullock goes upstairs as Dan gives Adams and Johnny, at the bar, an annoyed look. Charlie enters the bar, nodding to everyone, and they all nervously reposition themselves, awaiting the fracas to come.
Ah, yes. Trixie has gone to get Sol at the hardware store. He smiles to see her, but she gets right to it. Trixie: "If you'd spare your partner a guttin', Mr. Star, you might make your way to the Gem." Sol gets his tiny, tiny gun as Trixie explains that her boss had called Bullock out across the thoroughfare about his handling of Mrs. Garret's "affairs." On his way out the door Sol says that Trixie's boss "should be like me and learn to look the other way." Trixie: "Ain't his line."
Walking tall, Bullock enters Al's office to find Al laboring over the piss pot. He still can't pee. "Age impedes my stream," Al assures him, "no fucking fear of you." Bullock clenches in a satisfied way: "Get in here." All in due fuckin' course, Al says, as he stands there "fuckin' humbled."
What follows is a somewhat complicated conversation that, frankly, even Bullock doesn't really understand. I had to watch it several times, myself, and I'm not even sure I'm 100 percent certain of Al's concerns. The way I figure it, Al is stressing out about one or all of three possibilities: 1) Mrs. Garret is going to start up a mining operation; 2) Mrs. Garret is taking her money out of Deadwood, instead of investing it in the growth of Deadwood; 3) because of his devotion to Mrs. G, Bullock won't be available to cover all the "dimensions and fucking angles" of the whole problem of this new commissioner from Yankton.
Like I said, it's complicated, and while Al is ranting on, we hear him talking but see quick cuts of the many other players in this drama: Dan, Johnny, Trixie, Adams, Sol, Charlie, just waiting for the fireworks to start. Finally, Al crosses the line with Bullock, when he hits number three, listed above. He explains his theory that the governor wants to make Deadwood a "trough for Yankton snouts and them hoopleheads out there, they need buttressing against going over to those cocksuckers." Al goes on to say that he could cover his areas, but because of the above mentioned dimensions and angles, he'd need Bullock to work with him, and says that he'd be good at it "if you'd sheath your prick long enough..." (Bullock: "Shut up") "...and resume being the upright pain in the balls that graced us all last summer."
Wow, Bullock is mad. He tells Al to shut up, again, this time in XtremeClench. Al takes a pause to look him over, and smiles. "Jesus Christ," he says, heavy on the condescension, "Bullock. The world abounds in c*nt of every kind. Includin' hers."
(Dude. I come to this break in the action to explain to you that I will never type the full C-word into a recap. Sorry. It's over my line. I could replace it with something, seeing as how it's becoming more and more prevalent in the dialogue, but I ain't -- that would distract from the impact. Deal with the asterisk and let's say no more about it.)
Ohhhh, that did it. A long moment passes between them, while they taunt each other with their eyebrows. Acting! Bullock then slowly reaches for and removes his badge and gun belt. This will be an unofficial ass-kicking.
Al gets a resigned look on his face. "Of course," he says, "if it would steer you from something stupid, I could always profess another position." Friends, it's too late for that. Clench has seen red and there is no turning back. Bullock, sternly: "Will I find you've got a knife?" Al, coldly: "I won't need no fuckin' knife."
IMMEDIATELY, it is ON. Bullock turns and swings in one swift movement and the two men go at it. Despite a headbutt from Al, Bullock has an early advantage and puts him in a half-nelson, repeatedly punching Al in the gut. They struggle out onto the porch, still punching, where Al gets in another headbutt. It's like the WWF up in here with both of them giving as well as they get. Bullock swings around to grab Al by the shoulders and throws them both off-balance, causing them to go over the rail of the porch, into the mud below.
It's one hell of a fall. They lie there for a few seconds, Al on the bottom, both hurt badly. Dazed, they start to stagger up to fight again. Trixie sees them and informs the others inside of the fighters' new location while Bullock gets the upper hand, using Al's head as a punching bag. Dan grabs his gun. Johnny grabs his gun. Sol and Charlie grab their guns. Everybody's got a gun. They all run outside, where Bullock is still throwing punches. From the porch of the Bella Union, Cy tells Joanie and Lila, "The awful possibility in this matter is both men sustaining mortal injury." We don't have time to think about how happy Cy would be should that happen, because the beatdown progresses apace.
Until...Dan runs out and gives Bullock a hard smack to the back of the head with the butt of his shotgun at the EXACT moment the stagecoach rolls up on them with Mrs. Bullock and her son inside to see Daddy get walloped. They almost see him get shot, too, until Adams pulls Dan off of Bullock, telling him, "It ain't your kill." This pisses Dan off. Meanwhile, Sol and Charlie come out to see what's going on, and Johnny nervously shoots them both, Sol in the shoulder and Charlie in the ear. This upsets Johnny. The situation is officially out of control.
The two original fighters are still reeling from...everything. Bullock is looking at the coach like he can't believe it's there, and maybe after that hit from the gun butt, he is right to wonder. One of the whores on board looks out to see him there, bleeding and staring and says, incredulous, "Fuck me..." Mrs. Bullock covers her son's eyes so as not to let him see his stepfather in such a state of what appears to be a near-death experience.
Bullock's on all fours as Al lumbers himself up, pulling a shank from his boot, saying, "Bullock, I DO have a knife...it come to me now!" Oooo, sneaky Al! He's just about to use it on the Sheriff, too, when he follows Bullock's bleary gaze up, through bloodied eyes, and sees Mrs. Bullock there with her hands covering the face of the boy. She and Al look at each other, and she removes her hand from the kid's eyes. He is scared, and gives Al a look as if to say, "I wish you wouldn't."
Al, bloody and awful, waves the knife toward them and yells, "Welcome to fuckin' DEADWOOD...it can be combative." Brilliant. He then tries to stagger away, groaning, and it is clear that he is seriously jacked up.
Bullock is wheezing and moaning, doing his best to stand and make his way over to the coach. Meanwhile, Al is lurching into the Gem, and tells Trixie to "wave a penny under the Jew's nose. They got livin' bread in 'em. Brings 'em right 'round."
Mrs. Bullock gets out of the stage and walks to her husband, greeting him with a quiet "Mr. Bullock." Punch-drunk, he still musters out a wobbly statement that he's happily surprised. Charlie yells out from the porch that no one is dead, but that Sol's shoulder is hurt.
The other occupants of the coach disembark, and Cy notices from his position above who else has just arrived in town. "Ain't that your high-end whore friend Maddie," he asks Joanie, "that I thought took her snatch to New York?" Joanie confirms that the Borg chick is in fact Maddie. Cy's pissed. "Wonderful how folks can get around now."
Merrick walks up, introducing himself to the newly arrived Mrs. Bullock. Her husband tells him to get the Doc, and that Sol and Charlie should be taken to the hardware store. He then dazedly greets his stepson, William, telling him he's all right. He ain't really lookin' all right, though. After he tells the coach driver to take their belongings to the house he's built on the west edge of town, he grabs his wife's arm and falls into the street. See? Not all right.
At the Bella Union, Cy is having a meeting with Joanie and this Maddie lady. "Better let me hold Maddie's chair, Joanie," Cy says. "I need to make a fuckin' impression." Man, the only impression Cy makes on anybody is that he is a creep of the first water. One of the forum posters calls him "Cycho" and it fits, for real.
Maddie is keeping it cool, Borg-style. Alice Krige is like the human Botox injection. She can keep her face so still, she looks like a mannequin. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, either -- it makes her crazy compelling.
Cy, for his part, is losing it. With the arrival of Maddie, he realizes Joanie is slipping away. He holds what passes on paper as polite conversation, all the while throwing shit around the office and slamming the desk in a rage. He understands now that Joanie has secured her own building for her own whorehouse. Maddie has come to help her run it. Cy never thought this would happen, though, and even though last season he made promises that he would let Joanie go, he is stunned to think he's actually going to have to do it.
He's furious Joanie has pretty much flim-flammed him into this situation. He had believed the "project lay fallow," seeing as how he's been giving Joanie jewels for her "fuck money" since she was 14 ("and not once did I come out ahead") and figured she had no money. The money thing is going to be big issue, so Joanie asks if they should talk in private. Cy asks Maddie if that would be rude? She says "not at all" and stands to leave as Cy rages on about his 18-year relationship with Joanie and how it's come to this, that she's betraying him.
As Maddie leaves, Cy tells her to "suck some pricks if you like -- keep whatever they give you as my way of saying welcome." Damn. First of all, DAMN, Cy. Secondly, I am fairly certain that due to the aforementioned rigor mortis going on with Alice Krige's face, Maddie could not open her mouth wide enough to transact that bit of business. She plays off his scathing remark by asking, "Any blind ones out there?" and turning her back on Cy.
At the Gem, Barney, one of Al's cronies, is trying to bind Al's broken ribs or dislocated shoulder, or maybe both. Al ain't having it. Dan and Johnny talk about the fight that just went on as Al screams in the background and careens around, trying to get his shirt on. Johnny has clearly downed a lot of shots. Dan complains about Adams restraining him from shooting Bullock. Johnny takes another drink and wonders aloud what that Jewish feller was thinkin', charging at him with a "purse gun." Dan explains like a murdering expert that Sol was just in an unfamiliar situation and overplayed it, trying to prove himself. Y'all, they're recapping the fight. Why didn't I just skip right to this scene?
Johnny: "What was that whole damn thing about, anyhow?" Dan: "Al's calling Bullock to the fold." Johnny: "Bullock ain't even of Al's flock." Dan says that Al's going to be calling "numbers to the fold" now that he can't trust like he trusts Dan and Johnny. "Some," he says, sneering in the direction of Adams, "he don't even like." Dan goes on, "We're joining America! And it's full of lying, thieving cocksuckers that you can't trust at all. Governors, commissioners and whatnot. By God that's just the new way of doing things and you're just gonna have to get used to it." Johnny says "awwwl rite" and Dan explains that he's just gonna have to control himself. Fantastic scene -- I wonder if that last part was ad lib. It was perfectly done.
In Cy's office, he's still raging about how NOT mad he is about Joanie leaving the Bella Union. Oh, obviously. That's why he's screaming so much. He's yelling about how it's been him all along nudging Joanie from the nest, urging her "to take fucking wing." She just keeps saying, "Okay..." waiting on him to finish. FINALLY, he asks where the money came from to buy the place. "Your daddy sold me you for six and a half bucks, so a rich relation's tough to swallow." He tells her it's respectful not to lie, "but any further silence from you will get me violent." Please don't get him violent, Joanie.
She tells him he knows where the backing came from, and it's revealed that it came from Eddie Sawyer, a dealer who had been stealing from Cy at the craps table. He ran off at the end of last season, and now here's Joanie, owning her new place bought with Cy's money. Awesome. She nods and tells him she no longer works for him, no matter what. "It's kill you," he says, "or let you go." She agrees, and he asks, super-creepily, "Could I make it with you dead?" Joanie: "Why try?" He continues, with double the creepiness, and says he'll let her go, then, feigning a weird excitement for her new prospects, saying he feels like skipping. "I'm that fuckin' hopeful and excited for you." Sure.
At the hardware store, Bullock is trying to pull himself together. The camera shows us he can't see straight, as he blearily looks around him. We hear Doc tell somebody not to let Wu feed Bummer Dan to his pigs until Doc has had his way with his corpse. Sol blurts out, obviously anesthetized by some substance, that he's braced if Doc wants to start digging in his shoulder for the bullet. Bullock looks over to William on the floor and assures him again that he's all right. William asks after his diddy's gun and badge, and Bullock says, by way of explanation, that the fight he witnessed was a personal matter, so he took them off when it started. William: "But [Al] kept a knife." Bullock: "I didn't know that when I disarmed." From her post helping Charlie with his flesh wound, Mrs. Bullock tells William he's asked enough questions. Bullock kind of half-smiles at the kid in a sweet way, not clenching at all.
We hear Doc tell someone to give Sol a dose of laudanum. Sol laughs like your drunk uncle and says, "I got my load on, Doc!" and groans as Doc digs for the bullet. Bullock is slightly amused by this and looks back at William, telling him, "Don't doubt. I'll have back my gun and badge." Martha Bullock comes over to help her husband while E.B. Farnum, who has been lingering like a foul odor in the room, clears his throat and exits.
In the Gem, Al has only half made it into his clothes. Ian McShane is unbelievably convincing as he stands there gasping and wheezing, wrestling with himself in misery. Jewel comes downstairs with Bullock's things and tells Al she found them while she was "seein' to his piss pot" and knows they aren't his. Al, truly evil in this scene, says, "What tipped you off, the fucking badge?" He tells her to put the stuff down and accuses her of making fun of him for remarking about the piss pot, lying that he "made water" off the balcony that morning, instead of using the pot. All this shit going on, and Al's main priority is worrying that people know about his infirmity. He grabs E.B. by the shoulder and asks for news about the hardware guys. Johnny leans, nervously, in to find out how his two victims are, and Al yells him down. "SHUT UP, Johnny."
Al asks E.B. to detail Bullock's condition. E.B. reports that Bullock is not doing too good, that there's no focus to his look, unlike Al -- as he says this, he's clearly trying to get on Al's good side, and reaches up to pat him on the shoulder. Al grimaces and says, "Touch me, E.B., and I'll put your nose through your fuckin' brain." He asks if Bullock had stated his further intentions in regards to his fight with Al. E.B. says he only heard Bullock say he intended to get his gun and badge back. Al asks in what fuckin' tone he had said this. E.B.: "Well, I'd shy from putting a name on it, Al. He was talking to an eight-year-old." Al: "Sound like he'd be coming back for more?" E.B.: "Well...I'd hate to guess, and be wrong." I don't blame you, E.B.
Their talk moves to the new whores in town, but E.B. goes back to the original subject and suggests he take Bullock his gun and badge and try to worm out his further intentions. In possibly the best impression ever done on TV since Rich Little last did Carson, Al says, "And how would that chat start, E.B.? 'Here's your hardware! And as Al looks a c*nt anyway, he'd lahk yew to have this roooose!'" Man, it's hilarious. Adams is to them at the bar and it looks a little like the actor is having a hard time holding it together. E.B. gets it, and goes out saying, "I'll, uh, look into the new whores." On his way to the door, Johnny stops E.B. and asks if Sol lived. "If he don't," E.B. whispers, "he's going happy." Johnny asks further after Charlie, wondering if he will be blind as a result of his Johnny-inflicted wound. E.B. "No. Now let me suss out that new trim, Johnny, before I earn some added rebuke."
Adams comes down to that end of the bar and tells Dan that for what it's worth, he's not his enemy. Dan: "Well, whatever you thought your intentions was, coming on me like you did? Nine times outta ten, that'd be the last fuckin' move you ever make." Before Adams can respond, Al announces that Bullock will be coming back for his stuff. Dan picks up his shotgun, saying they'll be ready, and points it at Adams, reminding him that he's had his one out of ten. The camera cuts to the first close shot of Al's fucked-up face, and get these makeup people an Emmy, because it's scary as hell. To no one, he says, "Cow-eyed kid looking from that coach...that's what fuckin' unmanned me." Johnny and Adams pretend not to hear.
Mrs. Garret is in her room, tying up some boxes to put together a welcome basket for none other than the woman whose husband she's been screwing for months, and telling Sophia's tutor that Bullock couldn't have known his wife was coming to the camp. Uh huh. She's wearing a perfectly adulterous shade of red, talking like every Other Woman that has ever lived, going on and on about he would have mentioned it to her, had he known. Because they're in looooove! You don't know! Ugh. This scene makes me hate Mrs. G. The tutor, Miss Isringhausen, tries to make her feel better, saying she's very nice to be offering them welcome and how it's good that Mr. Bullock seems to be all right. Mrs. Garret goes from zero to HAG in 2.5 seconds and snoots the tutor down, bitching that she did not realize Miss Isringhausen was such a medical expert. Hate. The tutor says she's not, and Mrs. G goes snarkily on, saying that "perhaps I'll better learn Mr. Bullock's condition in his presence." Any sympathy I had stored up for Alma Garret has just gone down the drain. She very half-assedly adds that, oh yeah, she'll also learn about Sol and Charlie's conditions, too. Sophia, looking for all the world like she just strolled out of Stepford, gives Mrs. G some candy to take to the new little boy in town. Sweet.
Ellsworth arrives at the room "here to steer Mrs. Garret." He sticks his tongue out at Sophia, their little joke, and goes out with Mrs. G's basket, to deliver it across the road to the hardware store. Ellsworth is not feeling great about this whole thing. He asks Alma if this is maybe not a call better made another day. She answers in highfalutin' terms that she may not have any other chances to see Bullock. Ellsworth nicely discourages her a bit further and she interrupts him, asking if she should just go on and do it alone.
In the store, Doc is finally extracting Sol's bullet. He apologizes to Doc for "throwin' up." Doc: "If you hadn't, I'd suspect your habits." Mrs. Garret enters in her bright red dress, and the place goes cold. Everybody stands as she greets Mr. Bullock. She is standing in the dead center of the room. Bullock says hello, and as Alma turns to ask after Sol (who says he's "puked twice"), Bullock cuts his eyes over to Ellsworth in a manner that loudly speaks "what the hell?"
They all go around saying hello to Mrs. Garret. She speaks to Charlie, who tells her not to be alarmed at his condition -- "a lot of this damage is old." Bullock introduces "my wife Martha and our son, William." They all how-do-you-do each other to death, and have that really, really awful conversation you have to have with your ex when you run into him with his new wife at the grocery store. Just so stilted and uncomfortable. All throughout this awfulness, Merrick is standing over in the corner holding the Bullocks' hats in his hands. I don't get it.
Ellsworth finally relieves the tension by handing Mrs. G the welcoming basket, and she hands it off to Mrs. Bullock with a little speech, including the part about her ward who has included sweets for William. William asks if this ward is a boy, and Mrs. G explains to the contrary. Bullock uncomfortably turns to his wife, saying, "You'll recall Mrs, Garret from my letters..." She clearly does NOT, but says that yes, she does. Charlie, desperate to provide some relief from the tension, jokes that that's good luck they had even getting those letters, since he carries the mail and "I'll admit today, before laypeople, we lose more letters than we deliver." Everyone laughs too much and silence once again falls hard.
Mrs. Garret uncomfortably but imperiously says goodbye and that she hopes to see them all again, soon. I'll tell you right now that Martha Bullock is no fool -- it's clear she smells the stank of a secret here. As they leave, Ellsworth jokes with the boy about the good fishing spots in town. Ellsworth is so great with kids, he could open Deadwood's first day care center. Bullock fills the silence, saying he'd like to take Martha to see her new house. Merrick finally steps in, handing back over her bonnet and saying, "At your convenience, the readers of the Black Hills Pioneer would be interested in hearing about your journey, and perhaps your first impressions of our camp." From across the room, Doc tells her, "You don't have to give 'em all."
On their way back to the hotel, Mrs. Garret is obsessing over Bullock, telling Ellsworth she bets he never wrote of her in his letters to his wife. Ellsworth says he and Bullock had never spoken of what he wrote in his letters to his wife, or why, and that he and Mrs. Garret ought not speak of it, either. Smart man.
The Bullock Family is making their way to the new house, and Bullock is doing his level best to convince Martha that everything is normal about his relationship with Mrs. Garret, without really saying anything about it. He gives the Garret backstory, until she finally interrupts him and says yes, he need not trouble to repeat himself, considering how weary they ALL are from the day.
From the porch at the Bella Union, Maddie, Cy, and Joanie are watching the Bullocks make their way through the thoroughfare. The door opens and Lila walks out with a bottle of champagne, followed by all the girls of the Bella Union. They all look sad. They've come to say goodbye to Joanie. She asks Cy how they're going to celebrate; Maddie says she votes for "hardy, but brief." Cy snaps at her that votes doesn't count here, yet, and takes the bottle from Lila. He makes all the girls open their mouths and stick out their tongues to toast the Chez Amie, Joanie's new place. In what is possibly the most disturbing scene of the episode, he goes down the line, pouring champagne into their mouths. As a gesture of good will, he chooses a girl from the line, Doris ("one of our best cocksuckers"), to send with them in their new venture. Doris looks like a teen angel with the bottle-blonde hair to prove it. Joanie and Maddie try to decline, but Cy insists. He tells them not to reject Doris for fear that she'll spy for him, and that they'll just get her belly cut if they do. Cy says that seeing as how money from his till is funding the Chez Amie, he considers himself an investor, 60/40. He rants himself out as they all leave. He closes with, "Don't believe there's no good women, 'til you see one with maggots in her eyes." Misogyny much, Milch?
Meanwhile, at the House of Bullock, Clench is trying to drop off his newly-arrived family without coming inside with them. He says that he wrote Mrs. Bullock a letter about the house containing all his thoughts. Martha tries to get him to come in with them, but he says he should go back now. William also tries to coerce him to come inside, but is also rebuffed. They both look at him with disappointment. William tries to make the best of it, wondering if he'll come in after he's seen to the camp and gotten back his gun and badge.
As he walks away, we hear a voice-over of him reading the letter about the house, describing its makeup in detail. It's a nice touch. He tells her all about his choices of wood, and explains that he's left all the decorative decisions to her. The end of the letter is read as we see him going upstairs to Mrs. Garret's room at the Grand Central, and in it he says that in his brother's stead, he does hope to be a good father and husband to William and Martha. He knocks at the hotel room door, and when Alma answers, he pulls her into the hall, and into a loving embrace.