It's another day in Deadwood as E.B. Farnum, proprietor of the Grand Hotel, makes his way to Mr. Wu's pig sty with a new delivery. He tries to disguise his load as being made up only of laundry -- he tells Wu to "washee," handing him a sheet -- but then reveals the body of Tim Driscoll, so brutally dispatched in the last episode.
E.B. points to Driscoll's body and tells Wu to have his pigs "eatee" the body. He also indicates that to "eatee" Driscoll's dog, who has joined them and is barking his head off, would be a good idea as well. Wu appears to be disgusted by this whole exchange. Well, as disgusted as a man can be who has flesh-eating pigs on his payroll. E.B.'s uncomfortable with the language barrier and tells Wu to "eatee him yourself, you leering heathen."
Al Swearengen's day has also begun. He throws off the sheets to take a piss in the pot. Here's the truth about history: It wasn't pretty. Every time I even remotely consider romanticizing a past era, my historian husband reminds me that to have lived then would have meant pissing in a pot in the corner of the room and leaving it to be dumped out later. That's all I need to hear, y'all. I bow at the throne of the modern...throne.
Al's obviously got a lot on his mind, already, and he just woke up. Trixie's gun is still on the bedside table, where she left it the night before. He picks it up, waking Trixie, and asking "is this for me?" She smiles, through all her bruises, and says yes, she brought it for him. He thanks her by ripping the sheet off her naked body and telling her to "get out." Not a morning person, Al.
Across the street, Seth Bullock is doing his morning shave. Sol comes in and invites him to breakfast, and Bullock clenches out that he'll meet him here. He's clearly in a mood today, probably due to having to shoot that guy last night. Incidentally, is it just me, or have they got Sol wearing a bit too much make-up? Or something. He looks on the cartoon side sometimes.
As a matter of fact, the Reverend Smith is taking care of that particular departed soul's funeral arrangements right now while the dead guy cools in the creek. (Yuck.) He tells Swearengen's henchman, Johnny, who is hanging out, that Bullock is a good man. Johnny comments that the guy they're about to put in that pine box might not share that opinion. The Reverend, however, won't be swayed -- Bullock himself is paying for the dead man's arrangements. Johnny asks if the Rev. knows the name of the not-so-dearly departed. The Rev. says that in the deceased's effects, he found a letter addressed to a Tom Mason. Johnny knows Tom Mason, and says that's not him in the creek. That's why, the Rev. says, he read the letter (after praying about it), and figured out that the corpse in question is that of Tom Mason's brother, Ned.
Al comes downstairs in the Gem and sees E.B., waiting to talk to him. He greets the weasel with "COFFEE!" Mornings are much the same at my house. Though usually it is me, staggering into the kitchen, yelling "DIET COKE!"
Al wants to know "what in fuck is going forward in this camp." E.B. reports that "Tim Driscoll's checked out" and moved to Wu's pig sty. Al asks, "What was that shootout about?" E.B.: "At sun-up?" Al: "Yeah...fucking sun-up!"
E.B. explains how Wild Bill and one'a them hardware guys "threw down" on the guy who brought word in about the squarehead massacre on Spearfish Road, suspecting him of being in on the kill. Al wonders "what's it to Hickok or that hardware guy either how them squareheads come to die?" E.B. couldn't agree with him more, of course. Jewel makes her way over to the bar to offer them coffee, and ignores Al when he yells at her about dragging her leg. Al's such an asshole, and I love the way Jewel just ignores his meanness.
E.B. tells Al about the little girl who survived the massacre and how she's down at Doc's shack. He doesn't know what sort of condition she's in, but says, "If she was to live, wouldn't she have a story to tell?" Al doesn't look like he'd want to hear that story.
Doc's just waking up for the day as well, after sleeping all night in a chair, watching over the girl. She's still asleep, so he goes out to tell Jane, who's been sleeping outside, that she's "still among us." Jane asks "what her prospects are." Doc whispers that if the girl's wounds don't fester, she might have a fighting chance, but tells Jane not to breathe a word of it to Bullock, who is walking up as he speaks. Jane says Bullock's all right, but Doc insists.
Bullock asks politely after the girl, and Doc tells him she's touch-and-go, and that he's not optimistic. Bullock says he'd like to hear however it goes. As he leaves, Jane tells Doc that he's wrong not to trust Bullock -- after all, he formed the party that found the little girl. Doc: "Didn't he. And didn't he also shoot a man he suspected in the murders?" Doc's worried that if he confides in Bullock that the girl's all right, and he circulates the news, the girl might be in danger if she wakes up and tells that it wasn't the Sioux that killed her family, but road agents. "And supposing it was road agents," Doc says, "and they hear his talk. Where's that little one stand, then?" Great scene. The camera is right up their noses.
Jane tells Doc he has a dark turn of mind, and the very wise Doc answers, "I see as much misery outta them moving to justify theirselves as them that set out to do harm."
It's breakfast time at the hotel. Charlie holds up some of the restaurant fare, declaring, "Same dead roach in the same damn biscuit." Hickok cracks that the roach stuck to his position. Bullock comes in and is greeted by Wild Bill with a "Morning, Montana." My husband, passing through the room, observes that Montana is kind of a stripper name.
Bill reaches for the coffee with a shaking hand. Charlie covers for him, picking up the pot and offering some joe to Bullock. He tells him they'll likely be by the hardware tent later, to get Bill outfitted for prospecting. As they go to their table, Bill tells Charlie not to trumpet his intentions and herd him like a damn steer. Charlie is a bit put out. "Ain't you here to prospect gold? If you're just gonna gamble, Bill, let's get it set." Charlie says he'll arrange appearance money for Bill at one of the local joints. Bill: "That ain't gambling. It's shilling for the house." Now, Charlie, like anybody else whose ever had to deal with a selfish friend, is getting to the limits of his patience, and lashes out a little. He tells Bill that shilling or not, it's getting him a "regular damn source of income so's this don't wind up like Cheyenne." Damn, it must have been bad back in Cheyenne. This ticks Bill off, that much is plain.
At their own table, Bullock and Sol are talking about how to broker the purchase of the lot they're currently renting from Swearengen. They agree that they're in a seller's market but really can't go past a thousand.
Merrick, the local editor, shows back up and tries to hit Bullock up for an interview. Bullock clenches out that he doesn't want to talk about last night's events, and they all stand up to greet Mrs. Garret, who has just come downstairs (wearing quite a beautiful dress). Merrick gives Bullock and Sol the skinny on the claim Garret bought last night from Tim Driscoll. Driscoll, Merrick says knowingly, "must be sleeping in."
Speaking of Garret, he's out in the woods prospecting as we speak, Dan at the ready with a bucket to hold all his gold. Except there doesn't seem to be much gold. Huh. Ellsworth rolls up from his neighboring claim and waxes fond about the nuggets he continues to yield. "Made my quota for whiskey, pussy and food," he reports. Hearing that, Dan suggests he get on down to the Gem. Ellsworth agrees that further efforts will only benefit the faro dealers. Garret wonders aloud how this exact spot he is now prospecting is coming up dry after giving him several nuggets of gold two nights ago. Ellsworth: "Don't weaken, pilgrim. Twixt nuggets and nothing, she's usually gonna show you some flake." This causes Garret to turn and pout to Dan that "she hasn't even shown me any flake!" You can tell, Dan's over this loser.
At the Gem, Al is running out of patience with Johnny, who is proudly telling him about his earlier conversation with the Reverend and how he has figured out that the dead guy is one of Persimmon Phil's gang, just like Al divined last week. Al's getting that intense look, and sends him off to get the Doc, saying he needs him to see to the whores. Johnny looks crestfallen that Al's not impressed with him for gathering this information, but goes out, passing Bullock and Sol on the way in. They pay their rent, and Al realizes they are the hardware boys. He then goes on to offer them a drink, turning his back to them at the bar. Holding both hands in the air, he jokes that he's turning back, slow. This is at Bullock's expense, as Al knows he was part of the shootout that morning. "I heard you're not a man I want mistaking my intentions."
Bullock is not amused. Getting it, he half-clenches, "Who says that? I'd like to ask them what they mean." Sol feels like he's got to step in for his friend, and tries to explain that the guy drew on Seth, first. Al says he never heard any different, and was only trying to make a joke. "Let's leave it all alone. I am stupidest when I try to be funny." Awesome. And this show is funniest when it assumes no one watching it is stupid. Thank you, HBO.
The fellas tell Al they'd like to make an offer on the lot. Al says he'd sell his back teeth for the right price. Sol lowballs him and offers six hundred. Al says before he names a price, he wants to know if they have unnamed partners. For some reason, this causes Bullock to go Full Clench. I mean, out of nowhere. He wants to know why. Al suspects a partnership between them and Wild Bill Hickok, seeing as how he and Bullock acted together in the street that very morning. Sol is still trying to play it cool, and tells Al they just met Hickok, yesterday. Bullock turns on his boyfriend -- I MEAN "partner," asking, all huffy, "What business of that is his?" Al interrupts: "You mean, what business of mine is that?" Bullock: "Don't tell me what the fuck I mean." Al: "Not a tone to get a deal done." Uh, yeah, Clench. What is up?
Sol smells it going sour, and tries to put the deal off for a later date. Al agrees, and says he and Bullock will get their proper stride. Bullock says "all right," and they get ready to leave, Sol wishing Al luck on the day's trade. Al says he won't wish him the same, because Sol doesn't need it. "Sol Star, right? That's a Jewish name," Al says, gladhanding Sol. "Mine isn't, but nice to meet you, son." This ingratiating nonsense makes Bullock clench in silence while he waits. Poor Sol, too, who has to get the shine put on him by Al, who is bullshitting him all the way out the door, finally calling him a "Jew bastard" under his breath.
Two new patrons enter the bar, and Al greets them with obvious recognition. "Ah. Two wayfarers, when I'd heard you were three." Here we have Tom Mason and Persimmon Phil. Al leads them upstairs for a drink. "Will you have a whore, Tom, or are you still staying true to that heifer?" Tom laughs, "It's over 'tween me and her." Phil says that's because "ol' Tommy went sweet on a buffalo down by Yankton." It's all gross, but it's funny.
Al coolly asks where his brother Ned is, anyway. Tom: "Fuck if I know, that fucker." At the top of the stairs, Tom sees Trixie in the doorway and says, "I'll take her." Al: "Pick another."
As they make their way back to their tent, Bullock is clenching on and on about how he doesn't like "that son of a bitch." Sol: "Thank God you didn't let him see it." Heeeeeee. Dammit, Timothy Olyphant, MOVE your ARMS. I've never seen such amazing posture in my life. It's impressive, but how do you do it?
They run into the Reverend, who tells Bullock he's acted on his commission, completed the coffin, and dug the grave. Bullock and Sol smile at the Rev., who asks them to join him for the burial service. They don't want to -- Bullock killed the guy, after all -- but these are two good guys, so of course they go.
In the hotel, Charlie's trying to get Bill to not be mad at him. Man. I feel bad for Charlie. What's so great about Bill, anyway? He's like that good-looking guy you hung out with in college who was always drinking your beer and borrowing money and making you feel bad about yourself while you took care of him. Remember that guy?
In another room, Doc is seeing to the needs of Mrs. Garret. He's replenished her supply of "medicine," meaning laudanum. She's hooked on it, so apparently, he's had to come see her a few times. Mrs. G says she only wishes her "symptoms" would subside. Doc: "If I were to tell you that I'd see to your requirements whether you had symptoms or not, do you suppose that would help you to heal?" That's making it plain. He knows she's a junkie. She knows he knows. Everybody knows. She makes an attempt to act incredulous, saying, "I don't know what you mean." But Doc has a lot to do, and it's no time to mince words. He turns and lays it out for her with "I believe you do, madam." He goes on to tell her that there are people in the camp in genuine need of his attention. He gives her enough laudanum to satisfy her for several days.
Al is sticking it to Persimmon Phil back at the Gem while ol' Tom has his way with one of the ladies for hire. Al gets crafty, drawing Phil out on the story of those dead squareheads. (I just typed "squarepants" and laughed for ten minutes.)
Phil doesn't want to tell the truth, but he is too stupid to get it past Al, who has just told him that the Sioux killed the squarehead family and made off with a bunch of money -- which is too bad, because Al would have liked to rob them first. Phil: "So, we missed a good score, then, did we?" Al: "Keep lyin', and I'll murder you in that chair." Two episodes into the season, and damn if the body count doesn't threaten to rise by the minute.
Phil kicks. Fine, his gang did it. He immediately starts a full-on CYA assault, trying to pass part of the cut to Al. But Al, he's still mad. "You know why I get how I get?" Phil says yes sir, he understands that Al doesn't like loose ends. Al says that is correct, and Phil looks relieved. This job had no loose ends, he says. Oops -- except we know it did, and she's laid up down at Doc's.
Phil is surprised to hear this. He thought he hacked everybody up real nice. Phil is, at this point, a nervous wreck. He asks if the survivor is talking, and can it speak English. "'Cause when we was seeing to 'em, they was all screamin' in squarehead, Al."
Al skips that question and asks Phil the whereabouts of Ned Mason. Of course, we all know Ned is about to be buried, but Phil doesn't know that. He starts hemming and hawing again, trying to lie -- "That's a fucking story right there, Al" -- but Al won't have it. Finally, Al interrupts and tells Phil that Ned came to Deadwood. He's mad as hell that they let Ned get away and tells Phil the whole story, finishing with "Wild Bill Hickok and those two guys walked past you downstairs, saved the squarehead kid, tell Ned to stick around 'til they see what the kid has to say about him."
Phil's starting to look sick. "Wild Bill Hickok?" he asks. With a nod, Al answers, "And Ned, throws down." Phil is finding this all a bit hard to take in. "Christ, Al. I'm really sorry for the bother." Somehow, Phil, I don't think "I'm sorry" is going to cut it here. Maybe send a balloon time.
Al: "Yeah, so you let Ned run, you leave a squarehead alive, and me to clean up the mess. Those are the only loose ends, huh?" Phil is beginning to understand the magnitude. He tries to give Al his own share of the take, but again, not going to work. Al doesn't want his "fucking share. And I don't want that kid telling people in English, or squarehead, or drawing pictures in the shit with twigs about how it wasn't Indians that killed her people, but whites!"
Right here, the camera does something CRAZY and swings around to catch Al stone-cold clocking Phil right out of his chair. He jumps him, choking up on his neck, saying "this camp could be up for grabs. God knows what these cocksuckers are up to -- Hickok and the rest -- or what I'm gonna have to do about it. Just when I need to keep my head clear, you give me these bags of shit to hold. I should cut your fucking throat, Phil!"
And, honestly, if the guy died on screen right in front of me, I wouldn't be surprised -- McShane is that much of a badass. Phil starts begging for his throat to be left intact when WANG ALERT, WANG ALERT Tom kicks open the office door, fully NUDE, DICK in HAND, and hollers that "that snatch is BRANDED." I swear to God, the first time I saw this scene, I honestly could not believe what was happening.
I mean, there's nothing quite like sweaty, dirty man...organs...live and in Technicolor without so much as a bwowmp chick-a waaw waaw for an intro. The schlong came out of nowhere, is what I am saying. Al tells Tom to "put his iron away," and, thank God, he does.
Meanwhile, Jane is caring for the little girl back at the tent. (By the way, she's Norwegian, not Swedish, as I said last week. Many apologies to the good people of Minnesota.) Doc's teaching Jane how to apply a bandage to the girl's leg, and Jane is nervously trying to get it right. He is very patient with her. At the door, Johnny tells Doc that Al needs him up at the Gem to see to the whores. He goes off, telling Jane not to let anyone in. Jane: "Believe me, anyone tries to getting in here who's not you is gonna be damn fucking sorry." Doc: "All right..."
The Reverend is preaching over the grave of Ned the Dead, with only two onlookers: Sol and Bullock. Rev. Smith opens with the reminder that Christ on the cross addressed the thief hanging by saying that this day they would be together in paradise. "Your ways are not our ways, O Lord. We abide the just and the unjust alike, under your tearless eye. Tearless, not because you do not see us, but because you see what we are so well." Bullock clenches in kind of a sad way. He killed the dude, after all.
Sol says the Rev. has a real generous perspective. Looking past him, to Bullock, Smith answers, "And don't we need all the generosity we can get."
Back at the Gem, Al is consoling poor Tom Mason over the death of his brother. He's told him, for his own personal gain, knowing that Tom will retaliate, about Hickok shooting his brother. "That's right," Phil adds, matter-of-factly. "Cocksucker."
Johnny comes in to get Al for the Doc, and pauses to offer condolences to Tom. God, Johnny is so awesome. Al leaves with him, but not without putting in one more "Fuck Hickok!" for Tom's benefit.
All right...this scene...this is the one that almost made me have to give up this show in the beginning. When I told Pamie I was recapping this show, she reminded me about this scene, and I have been trying ever since to figure out a way to brush past it. Doc's in with the whores, trying to explain to them how to take care of themselves, and he turns to one, asking, "How's that unguent workin'?" and he's talking about...oh, all right. Pussy lotion. I can't figure out a way to write around it! I have tried! They discuss the merits of his latest batch for their...snatch. He's putting a little bit more lanolin in it. Oh, how nice. The camera cuts to one of the ladies with her hands down her pants, rubbing it in. I am just about getting over this when another reaches for the cream, saying "hey, give me a dollop of that," and I have to physically crawl under my couch because of the word "dollop." It sounds like what it is! Which is gross!
Al makes it worse by sneaking in and asking "How's that pussy lotion feel? Should I try some on my ass?" McShane raises his eyebrows here in a way that makes you wonder what Al gets up to in his alone time with the whores. I love the show again.
He starts quizzing Doc about the kid, asking if she'll live. Doc tries to blow him off. He repeats that he's not optimistic about her chances. "She hasn't said a word, Al, or been conscious for a second." Al: "Oh, too bad." Right.
Al's clearly not getting the info he wants out of Doc, so he gets up to leave, casually telling him to give the whores a good going over. This sets Doc off somehow. The guy is stressed out. Doc: "Don't tell me my job, or how long to do it in. I can see to them, and I can see to the way I'm goddamned able, and that is all I can goddamned do!" Even Trixie has a "damn!" look on her face, and when Al walks out, and Doc comes over to look at her bruises, she asks him, "Are you poorly, Doc?" Doc painfully tries to hold himself together when he answers, "Don't worry about me. I know what I am. What I'm not."
But does he know that Al is sneaking off down to his shack right at that moment? Alma Garret does; she sees him from her window. Al busts in on Jane watching over the little girl. He pushes past Jane, who is immediately and viciously protective. She asks him who the fuck he is, and he doesn't even answer -- just looks through her and moves to the girl's bedside. Jane tells him not to ignore her, and he turns ever so evilly to say, "You don't want to interfere with me." Here's how crazy this show is. McShane's whole tone and demeanor with Jane is completely different than it has been with any other character. He moves to the girl, and Jane loses it, and in .005 seconds, several things become clear. Jane tells him he doesn't scare her. He says, "Sure I do." He laughs at her. And we all know he's right -- she is scared of him. What follows is a rough moment. She assumes Al has come to rape the child. He hasn't, he just wants to know if she's really unconscious. He pinches the girl's arm, and finds out she's not. Meanwhile, Jane is BESIDE HERSELF. I'm talking bawling, snot-nosed, batshit, trying to scream at him to get away from the little girl. "Leave her alone, cocksucker!" Al rolls his eyes and gets up to leave. Jane: "Do it to me, if you have to!" Al, without even turning around: "Why would I do it to you?"
God, it's awful to watch. But it's about to get worse. Doc is headed back to his shack when he sees Al coming the other way. He is horrified. He asks Al if he hurt the girl. Al smoothly says no. "No, Doc. But she's better than you thought. Her eyes are open."
Doc doesn't wait for him to say anything else, and takes off down the way to find Jane rocking on the edge of the girl's bed, still crying. "I fell apart," she says. "I couldn't look out for the little one. Fucker looked at me and I fell apart in front of him." Brad Dourif has tears in his eyes, and dammit, who can blame him? "All right," Doc says. "You're not the first."
Jane is not comforted by this. She tells Doc that Al's not the fucking first, either. "I've been fucked plenty," she says. "And by tougher fucks than he was." Pointing down at the girl, she says, "And littler than her, by plenty. They fucked me plenty, so you can go fuck yourself." This causes Doc to lower his head. It's too much. Robin Weigert, who plays Calamity Jane, absolutely kills this scene, and then Dourif brings it back to life and kills it again. They are amazing together. Doc quietly sends Jane out. She's still yelling about Al. Doc tells her, in the quiet, calm voice, that she did really well caring for the girl -- that she has a gift for it. "Don't be mean," Jane says. "No," he says again. "You got a gift." The only thing that makes Jane madder than people being mean to her is people being nice to her. So she stomps out.
Night has fallen as Mr. Garret comes back from the digs. He tells E.B. Farnum that he may have wrenched his back. Maybe, he says, he's not cut out for prospecting. He tries to get E.B. to buy the claim -- after all, he says, E.B. offered $16,000 for it the night before. E.B.: "I have a confession to make, Mr. Garret. I have a weakness for spirits." Garret: "Are you saying you were drunk last night?" E.B. says he must have been, and that he blacks out with no memory of his actions. "Please ignore any offers made while in my condition," he says. Garret looks at him squinty-eyed, finally starting to catch on. "And yet," he says, "you didn't seem drunk." E.B., all sly: "I suppose that's why I'm such a danger to myself." Garret has a lightbulb moment.
In Al's office, Dan is receiving his new assignment. Dan, ever willing to do even the dirtiest jobs, doesn't like it. At all. Al wants Dan to kill the kid. Dan looks sick. "A little girl? It's hard on my conscience." Al says they could let her spread the word around that road agents killed her family and thus breed mistrust throughout the camp, one white for another. During this speech, Persimmon Phil comes in to report that "Tom's ready" (to kill Hickok) but that he's awful drunk. Phil doesn't trust him to pull off the job. Dan's still sitting there, having a hard time dealing with all this. Al tells Phil it's not a bank job, all Tom has to do is walk up and put one in Hickok's ear. Johnny comes in to tell Al the hardware guys are downstairs looking for him, and as he leaves, Al tells Phil to "pour coffee down Tom, 'cause he is going out tonight to murder that son of a bitch." I like it the way Al usually says "murder" instead of "kill." It leaves no question of his intentions, that's for damn sure.
Back at the shack, Doc is telling the silent little girl that she should stay quiet forever, and never say anything to anyone. "I don't know if you can understand me," he tells her, "but if you can, don't show it." She starts mumbling in her native tongue, and he tells her that if she's got to talk, to keep talking like that. He gets his shotgun down, checks that it's loaded, and sits back down to her.
At the Gem, Sol is telling Bullock that he'll do the talking when they try to make the deal with Al to buy the lot. Bullock says that's fine with him, but Sol wants to make sure he understands. "Some people don't get along," he tells him. "They have business to do with each other, they find a way around it." Bullock clenches out a little smile, saying, "Don't talk to me like I'm five, Sol." Well, stop acting like it, Clench.
Al walks up, and Bullock scoots off, saying Sol's got his proxy. Al nods to Trixie across the room to follow Bullock, and asks Sol the question that's on all our minds: "What's your partner so mad about all the time?" Sol says he's not mad. Al: "He's got a mean way of being happy."
Sol starts working the deal, saying they'd consider going to $750 for the lot. Al knows they'd go to $1,000. "Say we would," Sol says. "Would a thousand get it done?" Oh, of course not. Because Al thinks they're partners with Wild Bill Hickok and will build some kind of saloon/whorehouse on the lot to compete with the Gem. Sol is all about customer service and assures Al that's not going to happen, but naturally, Al doesn't believe him. Sol tries to assure him again that they met Hickok by coincidence. Al continues to needle him while Bullock hears it all from the bar, clenching to beat the band.
Trixie comes over to try to use her wiles on him to distract him from his eavesdropping. He refuses her advances. Meanwhile, Al is in high-swindle mode. "Say we value the lot at a thousand," he tells Sol. "And you boys give me five hundred and whatever you should put that tent to before now and the first snow, I'm in for half the net. Come October, we finish the deal, all knowing each other better."
Sol tells him that Bullock won't accept that deal, and Al gets mad, saying that ain't his sense of proxy and that's exactly why he'd want to use these few months to get to know these guys better. Sol tries again to convince Al they are just a hardware operation, but Al says "you heard my offer" and Sol is forced to go to Bullock and repeat it.
Trixie reports to Al that Bullock didn't want a drink, and he didn't want a fuck. "Anyone," Al asks, "or just you?" Dick.
Sol tries to make the case to Bullock, whose ears are clenched shut on the subject. He won't be partners with Al, he says, as Al walks up to tell him, "You've got Trixie all distressed. She wanted to give you a ride." Bullock ignores this, and makes their counteroffer of $1,000, saying, "If anyone in that tent, or the building we put up, turns a playing card or pours a drink or offers a woman's services, you get title back and keep our fucking money." Al doesn't like his tone. And as a matter of fact, he wants to know why he should sell the lot to Bullock who rode into town out of nowhere and within six hours shot a guy through the eye with Wild Bill Hickok backing his play. Bullock tries to declench a little, to make the communication easier: "Far as what happened in the street...that was a turn of events. Al leans forward, asking "a whaaaat?" Hee. Bullock reiterates that it was a "turn of events." Al gets hot now, saying he's made them a sensible proposal, considering all these turns of events, and that Bullock does nothing but insult him in his own joint. Sol tries to pipe up that Bullock didn't mean to insult him, and Al turns on him. "You stay out of this," he says to Sol. "Why don't you do whatever you people do when you're not running your mouths off or cheatin' people out of what they earn by Christian work."
Oooooooooh, this goes bad with Bullock. "You don't want to be talkin' that way," he clenches. Al cuts him off. "Don't tell me how to talk in my own fucking place. And here's my counteroffer to your counteroffer: Go fuck yourself." Man. Al enunciates like he's doing a performance for the deaf. It makes him look TWICE as badass.
Sol tries to bustle Bullock out, but he's clenched to the spot, and Trixie comes over to offer him "the best bath and blowjob you ever had." Dude, is anyone around here really taking baths?
Upstairs at the hotel, Mr. Garret confides to Mrs. Garret that he believes they've been swindled. Because he's a genius. They're out twenty grand, and all she can muster up is a "how disappointed you must be." Garret proposes they ask Wild Bill to help them with their cause. His wife wonders if that's the kind of thing Bill does, really. They figure they might as well try.
Sol is trying to make Bullock chill as they walk back to their tent. He knows they could have a good future there, with the hardware store and maybe even a bank. Sol doesn't want him to get distracted by his dislike of Al. Bullock: "What about what he called you?" Sol: "I've been called worse by better." I love these two together. Bullock says okay to the deal and tells Sol to get it in writing.
They come upon Charlie Utter, pissing out the night's fun on the side of a building. As if Deadwood could get anymore covered in germs. He's as drunk as Otis in the jailhouse and is going on about Bill again, and how his express purpose in coming to the camp was to make a stake for his new wife, and now he's gambling it away. Sol and Bullock are a little grossed out by his pissing and, unfortunately, farting, but they're polite. Charlie asks Bullock what is "secret" is. He says Bullock has some of Wild Bill's qualities, but the difference is, Bullock can get along with people, turn a dollar, and look out for himself. "He don't know how to do that," Charlie says of Bill. "You see what I'm sayin'? So, I'd like to know your secret so's then I can tell it to Bill." Bullock tells Charlie he doesn't know any secrets. Charlie: "Don't tell me, if you don't want. Find occasion and tell him yourself. He likes you. Just don't wait too long." Lord. The strong men and their buddies on this show break my heart. Bullock clenches, sympathetically, and Charlie fades back into the muck.
Charlie ain't wrong, you know. Bill's bankrupting himself by the hour over at Nuttall's, repeatedly losing at cards. He could be losing more than that, too -- ol' Tom Mason and Persimmon Phil are just a few tables away. Tom's steeling his nerve with whiskey to avenge his brother. "One more shot, and I'll be ready to take that cocksucker...maybe one more cup of coffee..." When Bullock and Sol come in, Wild Bill gets up to meet them at the bar. That little skanky guy, Jack McCall, who beat Bill in the last episode is still playing his table, and comments to Bill that his luck is bound to turn. Bill turns and asks him what he's in the game for. Jack: "What am I in it for?" Bill: "If irritating me is the jackpot, you've got the job done." Cranky.
Bill goes to the bar, says hey to Bullock and Sol, and puts himself in the hole for another fifty from Nuttall for the round of poker. Everybody looks uncomfortable with Bill's gambling addiction. Too bad they don't have those signs around the saloon like they have in Vegas: Real Gamblers Know When to Quit. Conveniently located on the ATMs around the casinos.
Bill tells Bullock there's a fellow in the corner that intends him harm. Bullock does what in the Old West amounts to a hair flip, and checks out Tom, who is still knocking back shots of courage. Bill asks Bullock for backup, should Tom make his move. He agrees, and tells Sol to stand away from him. Maybe it's in my head, but I think Sol rolls his eyes a little. The man just wants to sell some hardware!
Back outside, Jane rolls up on Charlie. She asks if he got thrown out of the bar, and he says no. He chooses to be out there, in the filth. "Well," she slurs, "I was drinkin' down by the goddamned creek outta my own fuckin' free will." Jane is that one friend of yours at a party who won't listen to reason, long after the night is over. She tells Charlie, "There's someone I need to go kill." He sobers up, instantly, and gets nervous as a house cat when she says she needs to kill Al Swearengen. Charlie: "Jane, listen to me. I don't know what in the hell you're talkin' about, but I guaran-fucking-tee, you have at that man, and you won't come out that joint alive." She gets obstinate and then breaks down, falling on Charlie's shoulder. He comforts her as she tells him that Al scared her worse than she's been scared since she was a little girl. Suddenly, a plan dawns on her. She walks to a spot between the Gem and Doc's shack. "If that limey cocksucker comes for that little girl, I got him triangulated." Charlie decides to stand ready with her, hands on guns, and they are the sweetest couple of drunks I've ever seen.
In Nuttall's, Tom makes his move. Walking toward Bill, he doesn't even get to make a move for his gun when Bill draws and shoots to kill. Bullock's got Phil covered. The card dealer tries to protest, saying Tom wasn't drawing on him, but Bill flatly states that "he meant me harm." Tom ekes out his last words: "You killed my brother, you son of a bitch." Bill: "And now I killed you." Bullock backs Bill up, saying Tom was going for his gun, and one of Al's lackeys sneaks out the door to go and tattle.
Charlie and Jane are holding each other up at their triangulation spot. Jane's squinting at something in the distance. Charlie knocks that she's "half fucking blind, ain't ya?" "Sometimes," Jane says, "it's a fucking blessing."
Dan comes up on them all serious, and Jane asks him what the fuck he's looking at. "Ain't like he's a fucking Adonis," she mumbles, missing the significance of him heading down towards Doc's. When he gets there, he knocks, and Doc comes to the door with his gun.
This is a beautiful scene. Dan tells Doc to go on away from there for a little while. Doc won't. A tear rolls down Dan's face as he tells Doc to go on. Doc refuses. Dan: "You know I'll come through you if I have to." Doc: "Let me remind you of something, Dan. If you kill me, then you are up to your elbows in snatches, just like you were before I came to this camp." All the while, Dan's looking past him at the little girl, and feeling more and more sick. Doc is pushing the point that if Dan kills him, he's going to have to take care of all the whores himself. "Between that and a slit throat that Al will give me if I leave that child alive," Dan says, "I think you know which one I'm gon' choose." Doc puts the hammer down and tells him to do what he's got to do, that he's not moving.
Dan is at his wits' end. Through his teeth, he tells Doc, "You're pitting me against Al," and Doc gives it right back with twice as much venom, saying, "So the FUCK be it." Dan pauses and says he ain't going it alone. Doc's got to come with him to make the case. They're making their way back up the street when they run into Jane and Charlie. Jane yells to Doc, asking if he's with Dan of his own free will. Trying to get her to calm down, a plan occurs to Doc. He smiles.
Over at the Gem, Al is quizzing his snitch about what went down at Nuttall's. He's particularly interested in Bullock's involvement. The guy gives a full report, and Al sends him off to get some dope. Phil has shown up by this time, and Al asks if Tom tipped his hand when making his move against Bill. Phil says no, Hickok must have just smelled him. Al doesn't even have time to get mad about this, because Dan's just walking in with Doc. Dan: "Al, you're not gon' believe what fuckin' happened." Doc says that "that lunatic that runs with Hickok just absconded with that child." Al must be wondering to himself why his best-laid plans for the evening are all coming to naught. He tells Phil to come with him to his office, where he goes to his safe, seeming like he's going to pay Phil off and get him out of town. Phil starts babbling out a plan about staying out of camp for a while until things blow over. It all involves Johnny leaving messages under the rock for Phil and Al to communicate. "Err on the side of caution," Al says, seeming like he's listening to this (hilarious) plan. But...he ain't. He really IS erring on the side of caution -- he stabs Phil, saying "no loose ends now."
He goes out to call to Dan, who is downstairs polishing some whiskey off with the Doc. "Get up here," he says. "Bring the sled." Dan looks smug. The Deadwood Sled is not something you want to ride on. Phil's off to meet Wu's pigs.
Another day ends in Deadwood. The dead are on their sleds, the stock is in the pasture, and Jane and Charlie are in a covered wagon, outside of town, watching over the little girl in safety. They both (after some insistence from Jane that Charlie join in) sing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat," in a less than lullaby fashion, while the sun sets over the mountain.