Dawson's Creek S06E16

We open with a blurry shot of Shannyn Sossamon's face as she voice-overs that what follows will be a boring story that we don't have to listen to. Well, actually, Shannyn, I do have to listen to your story, but thanks for the heads-up. We see a big old college party in full swing, making this the second consecutive film I've recapped that has started this way. I really, really hope this movie is better than Sorority Boys. At the very least, that it doesn't star Harlan Williams.

A title tells us it's the "End of the World" party, a name that couldn't possibly be at all prophetic, and Shannyn, whose name is Lauren, tells us that this all happened "years ago" and she got so drunk that she lost her virginity. Well, that sucks. She says she lost it to an NYU film major or a townie. I'm not sure which choice would be more preferable. The NYU guy is played by Greg from C.S.I., by the way. Lauren says she wanted another guy, Victor, but he was having sex with her roommate Jessica Biel, also known as Mary on 7th Heaven. Biel's character name is Lara, and the fact that roommates Lara and Lauren have similar-sounding names was not lost on me. I thought it was stupid and confusing, though, so I'll just refer to Jessica Biel as Jessica Biel. Calling her "Mary" for this film just doesn't seem right, because Lauren is now telling us a story of how Biel got drunk, wandered into a football team party, and had sex with all of them. We see part of this story happen. Thank god it's just the wandering part. I don't think I could handle the later scene. Greg is talking to Lauren about Russian classic films, because that's what film majors do at parties. Seriously -- I am one, and it's what we do. So sad. Lauren sees Greg's glance wandering to a more attractive girl with bigger breasts, so she tells him she has a joint in her room to get his attention back. They go into what Lauren tells us is not her room but a friend of hers' room, and sit on the bed. Lauren is a bad friend, I think. Greg moves in for the kiss, and Shannyn passes out. When she wakes up, she is basically being raped by a blond guy while Greg tapes it with his video camera. Ah, yeah, this movie is bringing the funny. Lauren thinks about how much better this would have been if she were with Victor. Then the townie barfs all over her.

And now we are treated to what we just saw, except in reverse motion. Two guys roll a keg out of the rape room, into the hallway, down the stairs, and into a bucket of melted ice, which then becomes frozen. And a cool version of "Carol of the Bells" plays. We see Lauren come down the stairs with Greg and walk past James Van Der Beek, whose face is all beaten up. Awesome. Then we go to Paul, who is one of the hottest men I've ever seen. Paul looks at Dawson, then back at some guy he was talking to. The movie goes back into forward motion. Paul and the guy go back to the guy's room to take Ecstasy. Fun times. They sit on a bed, and Paul looks bored. He touches the guy's shirt, then starts to kiss him. But it turns out that the guy isn't into that; he shoves Paul away, then kicks him in the crotch. Now, would that feel better or worse on E? At any rate, I'm sure Paul is more aware of the feeling of his cotton boxer-briefs as they rush up to meet his genitalia. Paul says he really thought the guy was gay because he had a "queer vibe," which might be in the top five of Things You Shouldn't Say To A Closeted Homosexual Male Athlete. Sure enough, the guy lifts Paul up and tosses him out of his room, tells him once again he's not gay, and then spits on him. Paul tells us that the guy ended up being a "full-blown queen" a year later. Well, I guess he should be happy that his gaydar is so accurate, if slightly ahead of its time.

And then everything goes backwards again. Kate Bosworth, the least cool thing about Blue Crush, sits by a pool table. Dawson un-rips a purple piece of paper as he watches Lauren walk by with the Greg. Forward motion, and it happens again. Dawson voice-overs now about how he's an emotional vampire. He strikes up a conversation with Blue Crush. He tells her he's Peter the freshman. And then Dawson says something about her dick-sucking lips, and I am forced to destroy my eardrums with a sharp pencil. Dawson says that at this point he could go home alone and masturbate to internet porn, and then we see him doing just that. I locate the sharp pencil and poke my eyes out with it. Or, Dawson says, he could take Blue Crush home and have sex with her. So he decides to do that. And then we have to see it and hear him describe it to us. Unless, like me, you've already poked out your eyes and eardrums, and then you will be spared. She moans, "Peter, Peter," and then a title pops up that says Dawson's character is named "Sean."

There's a nice little title sequence of reverse-motion winter turning into fall on the college campus. It kind of looks like a Peter Gabriel video. The college is called "Camden," by the way, which certainly must be a shout-out to the 7th Heaven fans out thereif you can ignore the fact that the book this movie was based on was written before the WB was in existence. Maybe even before the FOX channel! A praying mantis reverse-motion walks along the grass. Praying mantises (manti?) are the scariest bugs ever. Even scarier, I would say, than those super-huge dragonflies that were alive in dinosaur times. Back in regular motion, the praying mantis crawls across Dawson's face. My respect for James Van Der Beek's risk-taking acting choices increases slightly. Dawson is passed out under a tree. Paul walks by, looking hot. Lauren skateboards by wearing a skirt, which, as ladies and Scotsmen know, is always a bad idea. The sprinklers on the campus lawn go off and wake Dawson up. Dawson goes to the cafeteria and gets scrambled eggs and sausages from some girl. She looks at him. He looks at her. He then slides the tray into a garbage basket, plates, silverware, and all. Such a bad-ass.

Lauren walks into her class, only to see that the professor has left a note on the board saying that since his wife left him for his T.A., all classes are now cancelled. Lame joke. Paul does yoga outside. Then he smokes. Dawson walks to his mailbox, where he has received a purple love note. He reads it in a voice-over, and it's sort of scarily intense. But he likes it.

Now Dawson is on his bad-ass motorcycle. And no, he's not wearing a helmet! Take that, government-enforced safety regulations! Dawson drives up to some suburban house. Inside, a big guy is reading a porno magazine and a drugged-out girl is watching a movie. There is cocaine on the table. Clifton Collins, Jr. does push ups. I love Clifton Collins, Jr. Dawson enters the house, which is apparently unlocked. Clifton overacts lamely and puts Dawson in some arm-breaking hold as he demands the money Dawson owes him. The girl turns, and it looks like she's watching The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari. I didn't know junkies were into old German silent cinema, but there you go. Clifton sits on his couch and overacts some more. I am truly disappointed in Clifton. Dawson says he can sell some coke to rich freshmen at a party. Clifton gets up, and then his mouth goes out of sync with his voice, so I think they dubbed over this part. It's really distracting. Clifton goes off on some out-of-sync rant about how Dawson is rich and that pisses him off, and he holds a gun to Dawson's eye. Dawson says he's poor and from a farm in Nebraska. I bet that's a lie. The guy reading the porno mag tells Clifton to sniff less coke. Sara tells whoever did the dubbing for this scene to try a little harder to make it match time.

Some guy is lying in bed in his underwear. That's the life, right there. Dawson is trying to get the money the guy owes him. The underwear guy is also watching The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari. What are the odds. The underwear guy shoots heroin into his toe and then says "I can feel my dick" over and over again. Dawson rolls his eyes. Holy crap, I just realized that the underwear guy is being played by FRED SAVAGE. That's ridiculous. Fred starts trying to play the clarinet while smoking a cigarette. Dawson leaves. I think he also stole one of Fred's books.

Now we're at the "Edge of the World" party. Camden's parties have such dramatic names. People dance around a giant burning wood sculpture of a person. And for no reason, this is in reverse motion. In forward motion, Hot Paul walks up to a keg and talks to Thomas Ian Nicholas. It looks like Paul and Thomas had some kind of fling once and Thomas is ashamed of it. Thomas's girlfriend or whatever walks up, and they leave together. Paul is annoyed and walks back to the keg. Dawson cuts Paul in line for the keg. Rude. Paul is intrigued by Dawson, and he asks him to go to a Mexican place for dinner with him tomorrow. Dawson is not paying much attention. The burning wood thing falls over. I hope no one got hurt.

The morning, I guess, Lauren's alarm goes off and she gets out of bed slowly. She leaves her room and walks by Jessica Biel, who is just coming in. Lauren says she has class. Jessica Biel says it's Saturday. What kind of ass takes a Saturday-morning class in college? Dawson's alarm goes off, and there's this kind of stupid, yet "artsy," split screen of Lauren and Dawson making their ways to class. Dawson's route includes taking a dump. We have to watch this. It's horrific. Lauren gets to class and there's Professor Eric Stoltz passed out, surrounded by bottles of alcohol and some half-lit joints. Lauren is all, "Sweet!" and starts smoking one. That seems unhygienic. Dawson and Lauren meet in a hallway, and they talk to the camera in the split screen as if they're talking to each other, and that's kind of cool. Lauren says that class is cancelled. Dawson is pissed, because this is the first time he's ever shown up for the class. We find out that Lauren used to date Paul, "before" Ah, well, haven't we all had the experience of dating a guy "before" he came out. Anyway, Lauren and Dawson continue a cute little conversation as the split screen turns into one screen, as the cameras on both actors turn so that they merge into one. It's kind of hard to explain, but it looks cool, if entirely unnecessary. I'm not a fan of unnecessary camera tricks. Lauren walks away holding Dawson's sunglasses. He doesn't seem to mind that she just stole them from him. He takes one of the purple love letters from his pocket and sniffs it. Okay.

Hot Paul wears boxer briefs and dances in front of the mirror. He tries on different outfits and flexes. It looks like that scene from The Real World Chicago when Chris checked himself out in the bathroom mirror. Suddenly, some stereotypically gay guy busts in and says that Harry has tried to kill himself and what should they do? Paul is mad because he knows this will interfere with his date with Dawson. Paul and the gay guy walk to a room with another stereotype and some guy passed out on a bed. Harry, I guess. Paul is checking his watch. That's kinda funny. The Stereotype Gang drive to the hospital, listening to a techno music CD. They drag Harry, who has apparently OD'ed on something, into the hospital, where a nurse refuses to help because she's on her break. Lame joke, but the actress playing the nurse was funny. A creepy doctor who looks like a dwarf version of William H. Macy walks up and pronounces Harry dead. Paul is incredulous at this, since Harry is still moving. Then Harry wakes up and says he isn't dead, and the doctor insists that he is, and the Stereotype Gang drag him away from the Mini Macy. I am not sure what the purpose of this scene was.

Jessica Biel gets ready for party time. Apparently it's been at least a week since what we just saw, as she says that she's getting ready for a "Friday night" party, and it was Saturday in the last scene. Lauren is looking through a picture book of STDs to encourage her not to have sex. Lauren and Jessica Biel talk about how Biel looks skinny, but since it's a "bulimic" skinny and not an "anorexic" skinny, she still looks healthy. Biel is delighted and says she's lost a lot of weight because she went off the pill. She says that now she has a guy wear two condoms, which makes sex 196 percent safe, since 98 percent with one multiplied by two equals 196. She's doing an impressive handstand while she says this. It's nice to see that Jessica Biel does have at least some kind of talent. Perhaps she could look into circus acrobatics. The kind they do way up high, without a net. Oh, and by the way, kids, Jessica Biel's two-condom theory is, from what I've heard in health class and not from what I know from experience, erroneous. The friction caused by two condoms rubbing against each other will actually increase the chance of them breaking. And now you know.

And apparently it's Saturday again, as we are introduced to the "Pre-Saturday-Night-Party" party. We see an overhead shot of, like, nine people partying it up. Then we see some people on a balcony, including Professor Eric Stoltz, who is smoking pot with Blue Crush on a hammock. Thomas Ian Nicholas walks by with a girl, and then leaves the movie for a while. Dawson is talking to Biel. She says that Lauren isn't coming to the party. Paul walks in and talks to Dawson as he walks away from Biel. Paul is all apologizing to Dawson for standing him up today, so apparently it is the same day and Biel's line about the Friday night party was just a continuity problem. Dawson has no idea what Paul is talking about. Paul asks Dawson if he wants to smoke pot in his room. Dawson does.

Lauren walks into the party, and Biel tells her that Dawson just left with Paul. Lauren is disappointed. Biel walks away to chase some guy, and then Professor Eric Stoltz walks up and wants to know why Lauren wasn't at his tutorial last week. I guess things didn't work out with him and Blue Crush. Cut to them in his office. He dims the lights. They sit on his couch. He asks for a hummer, and says it would improve her GPA. Oh, lord. Then she does it.

Paul and Dawson smoke in Paul's room. We hear Dawson's inner monologue about how he "needs" to get laid and he wishes Lauren were at the party. He realizes that he likes Lauren's purity. And he needs to buy more pot. Paul's inner monologue sounds like it's straight out of the book this film was based on. Paul likes that Dawson looks slutty. The screen splits into two. In the left screen, Paul slinks over to Dawson and they make out. In the right screen, Paul puts a pillow on his lap and then obviously masturbates under it. Dawson doesn't notice. That pot must be pretty damn strong, then, because even the people who live across the street from me and glanced into my window for a fleeting second noticed that Paul was masturbating under that pillow.

The morning, Dawson and Paul watch porn together. Why does Paul have straight porn? Most gay guys I know find straight porn disgusting. His phone rings, and it's his mom, so he turns the porn off. Smart move. His mom wants him to visit today. Paul invites Dawson, but Dawson declines because the "Dressed To Get Screwed" party is that night. Wait, there's a party on Sunday night? What? So many theme parties at this college. Paul gets on the bus, and his inner monologue expresses his love for Dawson. Dawson's inner monologue wonders what Lauren is like in bed. And he's hungry. I don't think Dawson and Paul are going to work out.

Dawson gets another love letter, which says that tonight is the night. He's happy. Jessica Biel suddenly assaults my television screen with a shot of her snorting coke. Uggh. Lauren follows suit. She tells Biel that tonight is the night -- she's going to have sex with Dawson and finally lose her virginity. Biel is all, "Ew, he's a drug dealer." Then she snorts so much coke that her nose bleeds. Way. To. Go. Dawson masturbates while sniffing his love letters. I poke my eyes out again.

Paul is in a hotel room. He calls the pay phone in a dorm hallway and asks whoever answers it to get Dawson for him. How does Dawson not have a phone in his room? Wouldn't that be an easier way to get in touch with him? Or maybe a cell phone? Don't drug dealers always have cell phones? ["I think it's supposed to be the mid-eighties in the movie." -- Sars] Anyway, Dawson comes downstairs, putting his clothes on. He wonders if the guy calling him is "Patrick." For you fans of Bret Easton Ellis out there, Patrick is supposed to be Dawson's brother and the guy from American Psycho. Paul wants to know who Patrick is. Dawson doesn't even remember who Paul is. That sucks. Paul wants to chat, but Dawson pretty much blows him off and hangs up on him. Poor Paul. Some guy walks in the hotel room. Apparently, his name is Richard, but he wants to be called Dick. And he's drunk. Then there's some homoerotic bed-play as Richard and Paul's mothers walk in. Richard's mom is Swoosie Kurtz and Paul's mom is Faye Dunaway. Rock. Swoosie is upset that her son is drunk. Faye wants to see them downstairs in fifteen minutes. They leave. Paul and Richard dance on the bed in their underwear to George Michael's "Faith." And it's the real version, not the lame Limp Bizkit one. What happened to Limp Bizkit, anyway? Didn't they release, like, six albums two years ago? And now nothing. Even Britney Spears is denying that she had a relationship with Fred Durst. Britney. Spears. That's when you know your profile needs heightening. Paul dancing around in his tight little undies, by the way? HOT. Down at the dinner table, Richard makes rude sexual gestures and refuses to remove his sunglasses. Richard and Swoosie have mother-son communication issues and then he gets sent away.

Thicke's "When I Get You Alone" plays us into the "Dressed To Get Screwed" party. This song would be a lot cooler if it hadn't been featured in a Sprite commercial. And also if Thicke wasn't Alan Thicke's son. As is the case with all parties of this nature, the women are wearing pretty much nothing and the men are wearing football jerseys. Dawson eats mushrooms by a kitchen sink as Jessica Biel does more coke. Also, there are attractive naked women fawning all over fat ugly guys in the background. It's been fun living out director/writer Roger Avary's fantasies, but I'd like to go home now. Dawson wants to know where Lauren is. Biel says she's not coming, and she has a boyfriend so she won't put out anyway.

And just when I put my eyeballs back in, I have to watch Dawson and Jessica Biel having sex. Dawson imagines her as Lauren the whole time. You can do that when you eat enough mushrooms. Dawson snaps back to reality and is disappointed as hell that he is actually with Biel. Ha ha. Dawson rolls off her and wipes himself off. Nasty.

Another purple letter to Dawson says that she saw him go off with another girl who was beneath him (ha ha, Jessica Biel!) and she's through with him. "Without You" plays as someone fills a bathtub and lights candles. And it's not the Mariah Carey cover version either, which makes me happy. The girl puts her rings and then a razor blade on the side of the bathtub. Uh oh. She turns off the faucet, and we see that she's wearing one of the rings she just took off. Yeah, continuity. We see the girl's face, but it's no one we recognize. And then she slashes her wrists and we watch her face as she dies and the music goes all echo-y. And then we see her body in a bathtub full of bloody water. This scene would have more effect for me if she weren't killing herself over Dawson. ["I've nearly killed myself over Dawson many times, but the motivation is probably slightly different." -- Sars]

Lauren comes home with a bottle of beer and then tosses it on the ground, even though there's a garbage can right to her. I hate people like that. They have no respect for the underpaid people who have to pick up after them. Lauren goes into her room to find Dawson pulling up his pants. He says, "I only did it with her because I'm in love with you." As romantic as that is, Lauren walks out and slams the door. Then she walks into the women's bathroom crying. I bet she wonders how things could get any worse tonight. Then she turns around and notices the dead girl in a bathtub full of blood. This raises two important questions. First, what college dorm has bathtubs? Mine only has showers. And second, even if you did have a communal bathtub, who in their right mind would use it for any purpose? It must be filled with bacteria.

An ambulance takes the dead girl away. We see two girls sobbing about it, and then another girl flirting with the police officer on the scene. Okay, I think I get by now that college kids are superficial and shallow, but if you want to keep hammering that in, Avary, be my guest. Paul walks by. Dawson gets the purple letter in his mailbox. Lauren skateboards sadly. And then we see who the dead girl was -- it was the girl in the cafeteria. We see shots of scenes in the movie with Cafeteria Girl, watching Dawson go off with other girls and being sad. And actually, if you go back in the movie, you can find her in a bunch of scenes. It's kind of fun, like Where's Waldo, although the fun factor is reduced considerably when you factor in having to watch the movie again.

Dawson knocks on Lauren's door, but she won't see him. Jessica Biel walks up and tells Dawson that Lauren won't ever want to see him again and he fucked up. Dawson punches her in the face. I don't condone violence towards women -- in fact, as a woman I am very much against it -- but that was awesome. Dawson gets a demented look on his face, and that huge forehead of his really completes the look. I'm glad someone finally found a use for it.

Dawson sits in bed. His phone rings. He jumps up and takes the phone out of a red metal box. Why is the phone in a metal box? And if Dawson does in fact have a phone, why didn't Paul just call him on that? Anyway, Dawson rips the cord out of the wall and then tries to hang himself from a ceiling hook. He's almost got it, but then the hook rips out of the ceiling and he falls down. So he takes his razor and tries to slash his wrists with it, but I guess those Mach 3 safety guards really are effective, because it doesn't work. So he takes a bunch of cold medication pills and passes out. That is a waste of cold pills. I am getting a cold and I could seriously have used those pills to a more productive end. When Dawson wakes up, there's a commercial on his television for penis-enhancement drugs. Who turned the TV on? Or is it coming from another room? We'll never know. Dawson spots a tube of fake blood in his bedside table drawer. I know I have tubes of fake blood literally scattered all around my bedroom, so this isn't contrived at all. Lauren comes into Dawson's room -- apparently at some point he sent for her -- and then sees Dawson on the bed with fake blood all over his neck and coming out of his mouth. At first she's like, "Oh, hell, this is becoming a bad trend," but then Dawson starts laughing. Lauren smiles coyly -- why? And then she tells Dawson he's sick and leaves. Dawson practices his dead look some more.

Lauren cries in front of the picture of Victor. And then we see this long montage of Victor in Europe as he quickly narrates his adventures. Basically, he stays in a lot of nice hotels, has a lot of sex, and does a lot of drugs. It includes a brief full-frontal shot. We see that he's telling this story to Thomas and Dawson at some diner. Thomas says some lame stuff. Dawson talks about how he's in love with a virgin. They make lewd remarks and he gets up to leave, but Victor stops him so he can buy coke. Victor doesn't trust him, so he makes Dawson take Thomas with him to get the drugs. Dawson drives Thomas's car to the suburban crack house. I love how realistically lame Thomas is. Dawson and Thomas walk into the house, where a bunch of huge guys are smoking pot. Clifton is cutting up blocks of weed in the kitchen with one of those automatic knives my grandma uses to cut turkey on Thanksgiving. He wants the money Dawson owes him. The big guy who was reading the porno takes out a big-ass knife. Thomas tries to bail, but then Dawson says that Thomas has the three thousand dollars he owes Clifton. I don't know why he did that, and neither does Thomas. Then Dawson takes a swing at Clifton and slices up the big guy's arm with the automatic knife. Thomas and Dawson get away before Clifton can shoot them. They drive into a campus parking lot, and Dawson gives Thomas the coke that I guess he stole from Clifton's house as he was attacking people with knives. Dawson spits on Thomas, then leaves.

Lauren looks through her STD book, but she's too upset. Some girl comes in and tells her that Victor is back on campus, cheering Lauren up considerably. Lauren walks across campus, but is accosted by Dawson. She tells him that it's over, and she's in love with her old boyfriend Victor. Dawson wants to know why she's writing him letters, then. Lauren tells him again that it's over. Dawson says he wants to "know" her. Lauren says that's stupid, and no one can know anyone else. Then she leaves. A single CGI snowflake lands on Dawson's face and melts, like a tear.

Lauren walks up to Victor's room -- and how does he have a dorm room if he's been in Europe all semester? Whatever. He answers the door, sweaty and not very dressed, and Lauren kisses him. He doesn't know who she is. Oooooh, burn. And then fucking Jessica Biel suddenly enters the scene out of nowhere, wearing a Santa hat and a teddy. She jumps on the bed and waves at Lauren. I was friends with a girl like that once -- let's call her "Evil Bitch" -- who went after a guy (and we can call him "Deceitful Bastard") because I was interested in him, and then was all proud of herself when she got him. And boy, not only did I never speak to her again, but I also made damn sure not to let her know the names of my other crushes. But Evil Bitch got hers when Deceitful Bastard's girlfriend found out what happened. The girlfriend was the captain of the women's rugby team. I think no further explanation is needed here. Lauren doesn't seem too bummed that her roommate and friend has just stabbed her in the back, however.

Dawson sits on the snow-covered bleachers, drinking a bottle of Jack Daniel's. Paul walks by and sees him. Remember Paul? He's a sight for sore eyes. Well, he would be if I hadn't poked mine out already. Paul flirts with him awkwardly. Dawson rejects him. Paul says he just wants to "know" him. Dawson tells him the same thing Lauren just told him. Paul is in the middle of cursing him out when he trips and falls in the snow. I hate when that happens. Dawson checks his mailbox, but it's empty. Oops, then Clifton and the big guy come in behind him, holding baseball bats. How would they even know how to find him? Were they following him? If so, then wouldn't the bleachers have been a better place to jump him than the well-lit campus center? Drug dealers can be so thick sometimes. Anyway, they beat him up.

And we're back at "The End of the World." The word "Party" is delayed in coming onto the screen. That was clever. Dawson walks into the party, and the same stuff that happened in the beginning of the movie happens again. How can Dawson even walk after getting rocked by a baseball bat? It's not clear if Dawson has sex with Blue Crush this time or not; he sees her and then walks away. But I'm just going to assume that he did. Sometime later, Lauren walks out of the party and sees Paul. They greet each other, then walk down the stairs together. Paul wants to know why Lauren was putting notes in Dawson's mailbox. She says she wasn't. Paul thinks that's funny. Lauren says it doesn't matter who gave him the notes. I hope not, since the person responsible is dead. Dawson pulls up on his motorcycle, then speeds away. Paul and Lauren stand there while the snow falls in reverse motion.

We see Dawson's point of view of the snowy road as he speeds down it. He voice-overs, "At first I thought there were things about her that I would never forget. But in the end, all I could think about was --" End of movie. You might think that that's a really cool and cutting-edge way to end a film, and we're supposed to assume that Dawson crashed and died or something, but I think what really happened was that the executive producers of this film came in and saw what Avary was doing to their hot young WB stars and pulled the plug on the whole thing. Too bad, because I would love to have seen an explanation of why, if this movie takes place over about a week or two, we saw the seasons change in the beginning credits as if the movie had taken place over a couple of months.

Oh, and guess what? The credits scroll in reverse. The final nail in the goddamn coffin.