Texas Rangers

Okay. So, Dylan McDermott and Dawson decided to get together over the summer break and make a movie. Of course, it's summer, so it's hot. They decide to do a Western. And this movie sat on the shelf for how long? A violin whines in the background. Old-fashioned-style pictures of the "Wild West" float around on the screen. Guns blaze over the soundtrack. A narrator gives us the pre-story. During the American Civil War, the only "lawmen" in southern Texas disbanded to fight for the Confederacy. The narrator explains that back in the day, Leander McNelly, the head of the Texas Rangers, left wife, kids, and parish (he was their preacher) to go and fight for the cause. When he got back, he found his wife and kids gone, stolen by bandits, and he was never the same again. Of course, neither was Texas, because in this story, the state is as much as a character as the men themselves. Go Texas! Now, the year is 1875. The war has been over for ten years. The bandits have overrun southern Texas, and the governor wants to re-commission the Texas Rangers, so he's looking for Leander McNelly. It's raining. Texas looks very lush and green. As we pan down to Dylan McDermott, we hear him coughing and panting. He's hacking away at the earth. The man is digging his own grave. He would be sweating if it weren't raining. A group of three men come over the valley and ride down to Leander. Tom Skerritt, or "Richard Dukes," calls out, "Leander. That's a mighty pretty spot for a resting place. Who's the grave for?" It's for him. If he waits too long, the ground will be "froze." Remember, we're in the "Old West." Richard Dukes asks him to come and winter at his ranch. Because it'll be like "old times." Leander responds, "I don't reckon I'll last the winter." In case we didn't get it, the filmmakers would like to establish the ill health of one Leander McNelly, former head of the Texas Rangers. Dukes been sent by the governor, who was hoping Leander would listen to reason and get back in the saddle -- so to speak. Meanwhile, as the credits roll, a stagecoach plows along a dusty road. Men yell, "Ha-yup." Horses move. Inside the coach, we find Dawson. Some unfortunate makeup person has attached some poorly advised sideburns to each side of his massive head. Six men are crowded into the small traveling space, and they loom backwards, forwards, and sideways, jiggling and joggling as the coach hurtles forward. Dawson's father is blathering on about how one can never underestimate the value of naming a product well. People, we are seeing the birth of marketing. I'll bet you didn't expect that. Blah new product, blah prototype, blah bonding blah. Mr. Denison holds up a package of papers for his son to see, and a necklace falls out. Dawson picks it up, holds it to the light. Mr. Denison says, "It's for your mother." Why didn't he mail it when they were in Austin? "You'll see." The soundtrack hurtles on as the stagecoach arrives in town. Cows are everywhere. Each way you turn, there is another cow. A man checks his pocket watch, walks towards another man, and says that it's past four and they should start their auction before the buyers get more "nervous." The Marshal is nervous. He's got a bad feeling about the auction. Dawson and his father unpack the coach. They look to the left, where a woman yells, "Lincoln!" He turns and runs toward her: "Mother!" Pause. "Jake!" Hugs all around. Teasing. Faux-matronly prodding about "Lincoln's" height. A bell is rung. The Watch Man launches the cattle auction. But wait! A bandit has wrestled his way into town. The Marshal whisper-yells, "King Fisher." Alfred Molina comes riding up. He wears all black, because he's a bad guy. The Marshal asks what he wants. King Fisher responds, "I've come for my beefs." Isn't that a double-edged line of dialogue? Does he mean cows, or does he mean beefs? Is he mad at someone, or looking for his dinner? Blah. They try to tell King Fisher he can bid on the auction. King responds, "I bid fifty." Of what, you may ask? Well, men, of course. Then the bandit army blazes over the dusty trail. Hi-yah. The Watch Man is stunned. It's a nasty piece of business. The Bandit Army draws their weapons on the entire town. Lincoln and his brother, mother, and father look desperately around for one another, but everyone gets separated in the crowd. King Fisher explains to the Marshal that he's the law. He's taking his "beefs" home. The Marshal says, "I can't let you take these cattle." The bandits' response? Yeah, they start shooting. They shoot everyone. Mothers. Fathers. Ranchers. Innocents. Children. The horses freak out. People run around screaming. Dawson watches as King Fisher executes his mother and father. Bodies are strewn everywhere. A bandit walks up and rips the necklace from Lincoln's mother's neck. Lincoln remains pinned under his dead brother. The bandits pillage. Then they ride off with their "beefs." Poor Dawson is left behind with a "beef" of his own. Thirty seconds ago he was reunited with his mother and horsing around with his brother; then, in a matter of minutes, he's lying pinned under his brother's dead body as he watches his entire family gunned down by bandits. Oh. How. Dramatic. Lincoln walks through dry grass toward an unknown destination. He takes off his jacket. His shirt is dirty. His hat is ratcheted down on his huge Dawson head. We fade to white. A dusty "ghost" town appears. Crows cackle. The ground is dusty under his feet. You can hear it crackle as he walks. His face is dirty. Well, what you can see of it behind the mutton-chops. Lincoln walks into a deserted building. Why? Who knows? He says, "Is anyone here?" Kelso from That 70's Show jumps out from behind a fallen table. I guess he was on vacation too, and was looking for a more "intelligent" side project. Dude, Where's My Car? just didn't cut it. Kelso brandishes a gun, and says, "Don't move and I'll shoot." Lincoln puts his arms up. Kelso's semantics confuse Dawson: "Don't move and you'll shoot? What does that mean? If I don't move you're going to shoot me?" Aren't they witty? Can someone please explain to me why Lincoln would end up in an abandoned building in a ghost town anyway? What's up with movie logic? Oh, here's a building in a part of the country overrun by bandits. I think I'll investigate. Hmm. It doesn't seem to be populated. Why, I'll just yell out to see if anyone is there. And tell me, why didn't Dawson jump on a horse after the bandits took the cattle? They didn't kill all the horses. They just killed the people. What happened to the stagecoach? Why is he walking anyway? Man, we're less than fifteen minutes into this film and I'm already totally confused. Right. Kelso's got a gun and it's aimed at Dawson's chest. Dawson says, "My name is Lincoln Rogers Dunnison. You have to understand. I'm not one of the men who did this." Kelso holds the gun out and looks like he's about to burst into tears. Apparently, he's stuck under the table. Dawson offers to help, but only if Kelso will put down the gun. Ah, it's like two little boys playing "cowboys" when they were younger. Too bad they're acting like they're playing, instead of playing like they're acting. Outside. Kelso chases after Lincoln. He yells, "I'm from Missouri!" And it's a big bad world! Gee! What an adventure! Then he explains how he was on a cattle drive when the bandits ambushed them, stole their cattle, and killed everyone. Damn. Those bandits are bad. Lincoln: "They didn't kill you?" Well, Kelso was trapped and they didn't see him. In fact, he's "damn lucky, otherwise he'd be dead too." Then he asks where Lincoln is headed. "Brownsville." What's in Brownsville? The Texas Rangers, of course! Kelso announces that he's going with Dawson. Dawson replies, "It's a long way to Brownsville." I half expect a step dance and some fiddle music. They stop walking. They pause. And Kelso says coyly, "I've got a horse." Then he finally introduces himself as "George Durham." Sunset. Horse travel. Music. Coyote. Fire. Sleep under the stars. More coyotes. Wild dogs. George says, "You're not so used to sleeping under the stars, are you?" Dawson looks at him and thinks he's used to sleeping in Capeside. Then Kelso gives him advice about sleeping outdoors. Yeah, apparently, you dig a "hip hole" and then fill a bandana with saw grass and put it under your head. Only neither of them has bandanas. Kelso looks up to the stars with the fire lighting his face and says, "It's the Lord's country, Lincoln." Honest. Lincoln finds the irony in that statement. Kelso further pontificates, "Land this beautiful, no wonder everyone's killing over her." I hate it when they use the female pronoun to refer to land, cars, and boats. It drives me nuts. "She's been here a long time before us. She'll be here a long time to come." Yes. He is talking about Texas. What a pretty woman she is! Dawson says, "You are a philosopher, George Durham." These two have been inhaling more smoke than from the fire, I'll tell you. Hi-yah! Brownsville. There's a hotel. Commerce abounds. There's an outdoor market. Roosters and chickens run around. A menacing man yells, "We're going to protect you people. The least you can do is contribute supplies." Blah starving army, blah keep the crops safe blah. Men rifle through people's wares. They break terra cotta pots. The ringleader yells over to Lincoln and George, telling them to grab as much "grub" as they can, gosh-dangit -- they're going to ride out and catch themselves some bandits! A gun goes off. Dylan rides into town wearing a black suit and some three-day-old stubble. The Ringleader says, "Morning Rangers." What's their business? Well, they're vigilantes without a "Yankee, nigger, or Mexican" among them. Why do people even write films like this? It's still offensive. I don't care how period-specific they claim to be. Dylan shuts the operation down. They have some strange confrontation about Leander being a "preacher-man" from "San Antone." Dylan denies he ever was a preacher-man. He announces that the men can keep their guns to guard their homes, but they do have to go home, this vigilante-rebel army. Dylan's got Robert Patrick and Randy Travis with him. Robert Patrick's got this moustache with handlebars longer than a banana-seat bicycle. Dylan gives them one minute to "take a vote." What are they voting for? Didn't he just tell them all to go home? Right, Dylan only says "take a vote" so that the Rebel leader can say, "Hey preacher-man, the vote's in," and shoot at him. Bam! The Rebel leader ends up on the ground. Dylan's a quick draw. Yawn. He trots up to the dying man on his horse. The Rebel leader says, "Say me the last rites, preacher. Before He takes me." Dylan says, "I ain't no preacher." He rides away, announcing that the Texas Rangers are recruiting. They can ask for him, Leander McNelly, Frank Bone (Randy Travis), or Sergeant Armstrong (Robert Patrick). Bandit time. They come upon another stagecoach, this one with a live tiger! Vincent Spano comes upon a Mexican man and his wife and asks them if they speak English. Alfred Molina looks at the tiger. He wants to buy it. It's not for sale. Vincent wants to buy the woman. She's not for sale, either. King Fisher screams, "What does she do!" The woman puts her head down. The Mexican Circus man replies that his wife is an acrobat and a juggler. So, King Fisher says that if the woman can juggle three balls in the air without dropping them, the couple can keep their tiger. The woman jumps down. She juggles. Vincent Spano ogles. Then he shoots her balls. Perdita screams. Vincent screams, "Catch it!" Only the woman can't and the ball falls to the ground. She runs. He chases her and draws her onto his horse. King Fisher laughs at their folly. One of his henchmen shoots the poor Mexican circus man. Brownsville. Dylan and his sidekicks are set up behind a table, taking admissions to the Texas Rangers. Leander says, "Name!" Dawson responds, "Lincoln Rogers Dunnison." Leander: "Where you from?" Philadelphia. Lincoln explains how he was traveling over the last three years with his father, who was a salesman and an inventor. Of course he was. Right. Dylan wants to know where Dawson's father is now. Lincoln says, "He's dead, sir. He was shot down by bandits." Apparently, the Texas Rangers ain't no place for "revenge" riding. Dawson understands. Dylan tells him to saddle up. It's his admittance test. He's got to draw when Frank Bone says draw and hit a tiny Ranger badge stuck in a tree. Dawson nods. He still hasn't washed his face. He walks over to the "shooting gallery" and waits. Frank Bone yells, "Sarsaparilla!" Dawson doesn't draw -- but he looks like he's going to. Frank mutters, "Most boys draw on sarsaparilla." Pause. "Draw, dammit." Dawson fumbles the gun. He picks it back up again. He should never do physical comedy. Lincoln turns to the men and says, "The gun doesn't seem to be loaded, sirs." Frank Bone responds, "Son. You might want to cock the hammer." Dawson shoots, and misses the target completely. As he fumbles more with the gun, Dylan asks Frank Bone how he did. Nine seconds. Apparently, they've seen worse. Dawson gets all snotty as he walks back over to the table, puts the gun down, and thanks the men for their time. As he walks away, Robert Patrick snarks, "Give my best to Philadelphia." Out comes the holier than thou, blah lawful land, blah good men blah speech. Dylan squints. Then he says, "Can you put that down in writing, Mr. Dunnison." Huh? "That high-minded talk. You write like that too?" Dawson responds, "In English, French, or Latin?" He learned French at Capeside High, and the rest in the few months he spent at university in California. Dylan laughs and says, "Well, shit, Mr. Dunnison. I only know Spanish, Cherokee, and Comanche." And with that, he's hired. Dawson's a Texas Ranger who gets his pay from Armstrong and his orders from Leander. And the forty dollars he'd make a month? Well, the Rangers will take that to pay for the horse, belt, and gun they'll sell the young man. So Dawson had better last a month, because he's in debt to Leander already. A long line of young men waits to get their badges from Armstrong. He hands one to Dawson and says, "Wear it proud, son." Usher is . That's right. I said Usher. He's in this film too. Armstrong looks at him. Then hands him the badge. He doesn't say anything. Oh. There's racial tension. Dawson walks along with Usher and another young man. His name is Sam. He's from "San Antone." He stutters. They make small talk. Usher's "daddy" found a copper mine on his land. Someone wanted the mine, so they shot him. Usher says, "You shouldn't just be able to shoot a man and claim his land." Okay. Are they not walking around the "Old West"? Was America not founded on native soil? Did soldiers not walk around shooting Native Americans and taking their land? I guess it doesn't count in that instance in this film. Right. Usher wants to know whether or not the sergeant made him a "rifleman" or a "scout." Because every "white boy" he's met up until now is a rifleman. The coloured boys -- sergeant made them a scout. Blah racial tension, blah he'll show him he's a shooter, blah President Grant, blah strongly worded letter, blah Dawson's patronizing blah. As Dawson walks over toward the camp, he sees Kelso. Does Ashton Kutcher know how to act any differently? He's cute and all, but man, he just acts like a bumbling idiot in every single film/television show he's in. Lincoln sees George. George goes ballistic. He screams, "We're not sleeping under the stars anymore. We've got a tent!" Well, hallelujah for civilization. They giggle. What an adventure! Leander's Tent. He and Frank Bone examine a map, trying to pinpoint where exactly King Fisher will strike . Leander dismisses Frank Bone when Dawson arrives. He hands Dawson a notebook and a pen. The captain wants him to record every word. Every uttering. His last testament to a life that's almost gone, yawn. Dylan recounts the day's events. The company is full. Full of orphans, mostly. Tomorrow, they're off for training. Dylan coughs. He goes on talking about how the company is "scant" of weapons and weak in their horse-wrangling skills. He expects desertions. He also expects that "most of these boys will not survive." Leander coughs violently. Dawson jumps up. Dylan forgets that he's Leander McNelly and remembers that he's Emperor Rod, and he points at the boy. Tells him to sit back down. Dawson's not allowed to report anything except what's coming out of his mouth. He swills some hooch. And then continues, "The Lord is coming for me, Mr. Dunnison." Dawson responds, "Sir." Pause. "Then why ride?" Dylan: "I think it's better I walk to meet him, then sit and wait." Oh. He. Is. So. Stoic. He's just like Val Kilmer in Tombstone. Not. That, and the fact that the make-up department thinks "make him look sick" means pounding white pancake onto his cheeks like a horse pounding the dusty trail. Dawson gets back to his tent. George asks what he was doing with the captain. Lincoln throws his gun belt aside in a fit of rage and says to his bunkmate, "He's dying. Our captain is dying." The day, Leander McNelly gives his ragtag group their instructions. They're heading out to stop the outlaw, King Fisher. As if we didn't already get that King Fisher was the bad guy, Leander explains that he's being thieving up and down the state, taking cattle and then selling them to the Mexican army. Oh, I'm sorry. Did I just hear a whistle of contrivance blowing? Leander pulls out his gun. Blah protect the Texas lifestyle, blah right on their side blah. "Ain't no outlaw stands a fighting chance!" Dylan fires off his pistol. The men whoop and holler. Dawson just stands their looking concerned. Dawson always ruins the party. The group rides through town. People cheer. They're heroes already. And they ain't even had to do nothing yet. The group follows the Rio Grande. They ride slowly along the trail. Their badges are pinned securely on their shirts. Guns holstered. Horses steady. A young man rides up beside Dawson and tells him to "buck up." The recruits better look alive. More bantering. He's been on the trail a week and a half longer than Dawson and Kelso. He knows the score. Kelso cracks, "Another week and you'd be ready for retirement." Because cowboys often "retire" to Florida to golf. He introduces himself as "Berry." Kelso laughs, "Berry? Like blueberry?" Berry snaps, "That's elderberry to you!" Snort. Berry explains the lay of the land. Dawson and George have been assigned to Sandoval. They'll care for his horse and weapons. Training. Men shoot poor, unsuspecting squash. They miss. In fact, Dawson can't make a single shot. As he rides past Bone and Armstrong, the sergeant mutters, "The boy rides his horse like he'd ride his sister. He knows he's doing something wrong." They bet twenty cents on Dawson's survival. Usher shoots and hits every single target. On the other side of training, stuttering Sam stands beside George as he shoots, or attempts to shoot, more unsuspecting vegetables. George says, "Damn! Sam, I'll bet you I can draw faster than you can say 'peppercorn'!" Sam stutters. George eggs him on. Then he draws and fires. Only he doesn't hit anything. But he does scream, "Fast! I'm fast! I'm fast!" And then jumps up and down like a Mexican jumping bean. Leander rides up and chastises him for missing the targets. Then he says that George has to pay a penny a miss for his ammunition. Sam takes the gun from George's holster and fires. He hits every target and smoothly says, "Peppercorn." On the other side of the map, King Fisher meets with General Cortinas, a member of the -- gasp -- Mexican army. King Fisher cajoles the man into "taking Texas." Because there "ain't no law south of Austin." Cortinas has heard that McNelly's Rangers were back in the running. King Fisher explains that Leander's only got thirty men -- they've got an army. The general says he'll meet them when they bring their shipment. It's dusk. Dawson is trying to learn how to use the lasso. He's useless. Sam comes up and asks if there's anything Lincoln is good at. Heh. Dawson says he'd show him, but there "ain't no women on the trail." Sam tells Lincoln that if Dawson could "rope himself a woman," he'd drink the Rio Grande. Ah, that's it, the missing link from Dawson's character -- he's a ladies' man. ["Ew." -- Sars] Sam just stands there, stuttering. Eventually, he spits out the fact that his father was a mapmaker who blazed trails. He suggests that Dawson take him to the captain. They end up in Leander's tent. Sam stutters for a bit. Then he pulls his gun. With a voice as clear as the Angel of Death, he says, "I wanted to see if you were the kind of man who'd beg for his life like a dog or swallow the bullet like a sorry soldier." Lincoln springs into action. He tries to take Sam down but fails. Sam holds him down with a boot against the neck. He points the gun back at McNelly. Then he blathers on about how the Union army couldn't get the captain, but Sam Walters could. Why is it that everyone in this movie must narrate the nasty actions? Why doesn't Sam just shoot the man and get it over with? Have none of these boys seen Unforgiven? Dylan is quiet. Dawson struggles. Sam tells the boy to "suck on his spurs." Because he's brought a bullet for both of them. Dylan turns around. Sam wants him to turn back again. Leander says, "Brave Sam Walters. Shot McNelly in the back. How's that for a storybook." Lincoln squirms some more under the spurs. Sam orders Leander to turn around. McNelly keeps narrating, "Sam Walters shot McNelly right in the back, right in the back." Sam screams for Dylan to "turn around!" So he does, but he's got a knife in his hands, and he hurls it right into the assassin's chest. How's that for fancy? Dawson gasps for breath. It's been a busy night -- between roping, hawing, and almost getting himself killed, poor Lincoln's just about had enough. Back in his own tent, Lincoln wipes his dirty hand through his dirty hair. The blue light of night illuminates his face. Ah, he's so tortured. He almost got a dying man killed. A lone horse walks into the camp. It's still wearing its saddle. And it whinnies. The outlaws carefully approach the horse, spinning their lassoes. One of them speaks to the horse, but instantly, Sandoval The Wonder Ranger jumps out and says, "Drop the guns! Texas Rangers." No one listens to him. Guns are shot. Outlaws fall. Kelso screams. The battle begins. There is shooting here. Shooting there. Horses are hurt. Kelso screams some more, and then he lands himself behind an embankment. Dylan rides in on his not-so-white horse, shooting things with the cold-blooded intensity of a lawman. More shooting. Dylan dives off of his horse behind another embankment. He screams, "Someone throw me a cartridge! I'm out!" An outlaw hears his cry and thinks he's a sitting duck. Ha! It is just ruse. Bam! Outlaw's dead. Dylan looks mighty pleased with his smarts. The shooting continues. An outlaw drops dead on Kelso. He screams, again. Suddenly, machine-gun-esque fire starts from inside a covered wagon. That's correct. A covered wagon. For a second, I thought I saw Kevin Kline fly in on his contraption from that horrible Western he made with Will Smith. Men with Guns. No, that's not it. Men with Imaginations and Guns? No, that's not it either. Wild Wild West. That's it. Right. So, Kelso screams. Again. Everyone tries to hit the machine gun target. Huddled in another embankment are Usher and Dawson. Dawson screams, "You said there were five men. Five!" Usher grabs his lapels and shakes him, yelling back, "I ain't no scout. I'm a shooter!" With that, he grabs Dawson's rifle. Stands up. Gets his hat blown off by a bullet, then manages to single-handedly shoot each of the remaining outlaws. A couple of them surrender. Ah, the power of the Texas Rangers. Go Texas go! The surrendered outlaws are strung up by their necks. The Texas Rangers surround them. Dylan reads off their crimes: horse thievery, kidnappin', destruction of property, et cetera. Apparently, two of them are the infamous Marseilles brothers. Ohh. The infamous Marseilles brothers. Dylan motions to the two horses standing under them. The brothers flinch. They don't want to die! Blah rode for King Fisher, blah ranch hands, blah bunch of dead people blah. The turncoats turn in a pale attempt to save their dirty asses. They'll work for the Rangers now. As spies? Then, because the pair is from New Orleans, they start muttering to one another in French. Only wait! But you forget, parlez-vous, le Dawson, le parle le francais. Dylan calls out for him to translate. Dawson: "They said: 'This will work. This will work. They don't know about the others that was in the warrants.'" Dawson smirks. Wow. Wrong decision on their part. Sandoval rides the horses out from under the two bandits. The Texas Rangers watch them as they hang and make those gross strangling noises. McNelly justifies the revenge killing: "We're Rangers, men. We've got right on our side." On their ride out, Robert Patrick tosses a rifle at Usher. Tells him to "treat her fine, rifleman." And then rides off in a very masculine manner. Thus ends the "racial discrimination" aspect of the film. Usher earned Doggett's respect. There is peace between the men. Yawn. Ranger Camp. Dawson gets all pissy on McNelly. McNelly defends his position. Blah trials, blah long time, blah he doesn't have a year blah. Dawson continues to be pissy. The law. Dawson wants to play by the rules. Then he snots, "How long shall the war go on, preacher?" Dylan responds, "Until the wicked are dead and the meek shall inherit the earth." Dawson asks, "Are we the meek?" Dylan confirms, "The meek shall inherit the earth, Mr. Dunnison. Someone's got to go and get it ready for them. There are bodies to be buried. Bury." I'm seriously not making this up, people. The writers actually sat down and thought, yeah, biblical overtones, good idea. Let's go with that. Honestly. ["One of the writers is named George Durham. Go figure." -- Sars] The younger Rangers dig graves for outlaws. More dirty faces. More sweat. Bodies get tossed around. Berry throws up. Dawson notices his mother's necklace in the pocket of a dead outlaw he's burying. This is a turning point for him. He's having a moment. Pause for poignancy, please. Pause. Okay. Carry on. Kelso looks like he's been crying for days. He sighs, "This is some kind of work, isn't it? We done killed six men and we ain't even got our forty dollars yet." Well, what did he expect? He's a Texas Ranger on the warpath for outlaws. Did he just expect it to be all smoking tobaccy around the fire, making philosophical meta-statements about the state of the earth? More vigorous riding. More maps. Riding through the night. Riding through the day. They land in Palo Alto. Sandoval notices that cattle have recently ridden through the dusty trails. Cut to said cattle. Vincent Spano rides up to King Fisher, hops off his horse, and says, "Rangers got the Marseilles brothers." What about the gun? He answers, "McNelly destroyed it." Dammit! From a secluded area behind the bandits' campsite, McNelly and his crew scout out the situation. Randy Travis thinks that it might be better if they track the bandits to better terrain. Robert Patrick thinks it might be better if they wait. Dylan asks what Sandoval thinks. He says, "Thirty of them. Thirty of us. If we wait, they might have three hundred." Cue Rangers ramping up for their second objective. Ammunition is handed out. Kelso fingers a bullet. Dawson looks intent. Dylan screams out the instructions: "We'll ride at full gallop. They'll see us on the prairie and take defensive positions." He holds his, ahem, gun out straight in front of him and continues, "Shoot at the target forward of you and you keep shooting until you can taste that outlaw's blood!" He whips his gun back into its holster. "No prisoners, Rangers!" They ride. They ride hard. Guns are drawn. The bandits hear the thunderous hooves, and yes, they take defensive positions. Guns are cocked. Dylan screams, "Fire!" Rangers fire. There are bandits in trees. A bloody battle ensues. Many bandits go down. Many Rangers go down. Then King Fisher tells Vincent Spano to "get the others out of hiding." Damn. It's an ambush. The Rangers are outnumbered. The bandits start picking them off one by one. And then two by two. Randy Travis mutters, "Jesus Christ." Hats and horses fly. More galloping. More whinnying. More death. Randy rides over to Dylan and says, "We don't have the men, Captain! They set us up! We're trapped." Kelso screams. Vincent Spano shoots his horse. Kelso screams again. He crawls under a log. And then he screams again -- what a blithering idiot. Berry cries. Sandoval speaks to him in Spanish, calling him towards him, but Berry just turns around and shoots him, right in the stomach. Now that sucks. He just shot one of the only "good" Rangers McNelly had under his control. Across the way, Dawson yells to an outlaw, "Don't move! Don't move!" Then Dawson shoots him in cold blood. Hell, I never thought he had that in him. As Barry tends to Sandoval, King Fisher grins and shoots him too. Dylan tries to get as many bandits as he can. More shooting. A bandit bashes Robert Patrick full-on in the head. He's bloodied, and falls off his horse. Usher does a somersault. Then he shoots some bandits. And then, of course, he rescues Robert Patrick. A Ranger screams, "Help me! I surrender! Help me!" It's no use. King Fisher's out for blood; he shoots that kid too. Dylan screams, "Retreat, Rangers! Retreat!" Those left alive climb onto their horses and try to get the hell out of the carnage. The bandits continue to shoot at them. Dawson tries to get one more bad guy, but Kelso yells, "Come on, Lincoln, we're retreatin'! Come on!" Dawson jumps on the back of Kelso's horse, and they ride off. As the Rangers retreat, Vincent Spano yells, "time you train your Rangers, McNelly, you train them how to run!" Then he grins. Sadistic bastard! ["Well, don't forget, this is a guy who eats his friends." -- Sars] King Fisher smirks too. He says, "Go with God, McNelly. If the son of a bitch will have you." Whatever the hell that means. Ranger Camp. The men are defeated. And dirty, of course. Inside his tent, Dylan ponders his badge and tries not to cry. Kelso looks vacant and distant, but at least he's not screaming for once. Usher takes a drag of his cigarette. Dylan comes out of his tent and addresses the men. They're going to ride back and gather their fallen men. Then they'll re-group at Richard Dukes's ranch. Back at the battle scene, the bandits have, of course, abandoned their positions. The remaining Rangers survey the scene, and it's empty. Usher says, "What'd they do with our men?" Ew. They've strung the dead Rangers up by their necks in the trees. They look like the straw figures from The Blair Witch Project. McNelly says, "Cut my men down." His throat chokes, "Cut 'em down." Dawson walks over to Conchita, the Mexican woman the bandits "stole" earlier, who's strung up in a tree by her arms. She's still alive! Her body spins a bit from the ropes. She whispers to him, "Kill me." Dawson screams for McNelly. Ranger Camp. Conchita sits with Frank Bone and the Captain. She guzzles the water from a canteen. Robert Patrick tells her to take it "slow and easy" because "the war's over." Conchita looks at him and drinks her water. Poor, dirty Conchita. Used and abused by bandits. What a horrible time she's had. Hello, Contrivance? Yeah, it's Ragdoll. Do you think you can call Betrayal in early? My hands are tired. Dukes Ranch. The Rangers arrive. They are dirty and tired. Richard Dukes comes out and meets them. Ah, what a weary bunch. The music signals their defeat. Conchita rides in the wagon. A young Dukes asks, "Daddy? Are those the Rangers?" Ah, here is the love interest. Enter Rachael Leigh Cook in a corset. It's not a pretty sight. She takes the younger girls inside. Dylan says to Richard, "Got twelve men to bury." Rolling grass hills. They have a funeral service for the fallen Rangers. The girls carry parasols. Richard asks if Leander wants to say any words. He walks off in silence. Rachael Leigh Cook pauses and stares at Kelso. He wipes his nose with his hand. It's love at first wipe. Ranch House. The Rangers feast. They burp. They make innocuous conversation. Kelso and Dawson trade barbs about Rachael Leigh. After the feast, the ridiculous banter about the girl continues. Blah she was looking at me, blah she was looking at me, blah she was reading me like an encyclopedia, blah. Dawson scrubs off his grime in a steel bathtub. Kelso waits outside in his underwear. More girl-centered banter. More screaming. Kelso wants Dawson to give up the bath. He bursts open the door and jumps in the tub with Dawson. Heh. They scream homoerotic comments about each staying on their "right" side. Rachael Leigh Cook arrives and smiles at the two of them. This convinces Kelso that she likes him. Yawn. As if this film weren't bad enough, they have to throw a poorly situated love triangle smack-dab in the middle. It's dusk. The ranch is quiet. Dawson visits the Captain for his daily record. McNelly recounts the events of the past few days. The blood. The bravery. The carnage. Then he coughs. What's he sick with, anyway? Then he blames himself for the failure of the battle. Ah, it's so good to be a man of conscience in the wild freaking west. The day, Rachael Leigh -- a.k.a. "Caroline" -- takes the laundry off the line. Now, that's woman's work. Dawson attempts to woo the poor girl. He stands in his undershirt. It has no sleeves. Oh, look at the strong Dawson muscles. He's Herculean. Yawn. Blah tales of bravery, blah killing men, blah better than George blah. She makes some crack about the Rangers not having warrants. Then she gets all high and mighty about their Ranger work. Damn feisty woman. Blah kill a man, blah for cattle, blah his life, blah worth as much as the beef, blah state of men, blah thinking that way, blah holy blah thou blah. Dawson: "We ride to protect the state of Texas." She retorts, "You ride to balance the blood on the scales." Oh, then she says that when she looks into Kelso's eyes, she can see that he's not a killer. It's a good thing he did all that screaming, then. He's such a tenderhearted Ranger. Yawn. Dawson can't get past the fact that Caroline looked into George's eyes. Kelso wanders up. He's impressed that Dawson was talking to the girl. Dawson recounts that he "got nowhere" and that the girl likes "gunslingers." Oh, he's wily, trying to keep the girl from Kelso. They're both so dumb. Just let evolution take its course. They'll run at each other a couple of times in a field and eventually wear each other out, we hope. The morning, gunshots wake up Captain McNelly. He grabs his gun and runs outside to see his Rangers, his men, his motley crew, shooting innocent tubers again. He asks Frank Bone what's going on, and he responds, "Training exercises." Who organized it? Well, Dawson did, of course! He's the leader of the pack. Dylan smiles. Then Dawson ropes something with his lasso. Kelso shoots a squash and says, "Peppercorn." Dylan recruits new Rangers. There are more training exercises for the benefit of the newbies. This time, Dawson oversees the exercises with the wisdom of man who has been on the job. Ranger Camp. Robert Patrick comes upon Conchita washing her legs in a tent. He's taken aback. He watches, transfixed, and then calls out, "Senorita?" She answers, and he enters. He hands her some clothes from Mrs. Dukes. Blah she's safe, blah no more bandits, blah Rangers, blah blowhard blah. They bond over the frocks. Armstrong asks her who the men were that hurt her. He vows to get them. She says that she overheard them say they were going to the Logan Ranch. She looks away from Robert Patrick. And then he kisses her hand. Ah, a confidante. Ah, a villain in disguise. He's so gullible, that Robert Patrick, from getting in trouble over gambling to spending too much time with Moronica -- he sure gets in over his head more often than not. The Rangers are off to Logan Ranch! Kelso and Caroline share a tender moment. Dawson arrives just as George makes an ass of himself blathering on about how many men he killed in Palo Alto. Caroline wears a dress with a puff at the backside. It's almost as if she's got a tail. Sigh. George "Dude, Where's My Cattle?" Durham looks confused when Caroline tells him to save the tall tales for the dime store. He calms down and tells her that the horse he was looking at would make a good ranch horse. She smiles and tells him he'd make a good ranch hand. Dawson tries to make George look bad, but Caroline's heart sees only the buffoon. Poor Dawson; he leaves the Creek and he still can't get the girl. Dylan gives instructions to Richard Dukes. The Rangers will ride through the night to get to the Logan Ranch. He wants Richard to send them a telegram to ensure that they get out safely. He saddles up, and then he sees Armstrong ride up with Conchita by his side. Dylan looks a little uneasy about a woman among their ranks. Armstrong says, "I made the lady a promise." Pause. That's enough of an explanation for Dylan. If the Rangers have anything, they have their word. And they ride. Logan's Ranch. There are no bandits in sight. The darkness weighs heavily on the men. Dylan finally clues in! The girl wasn't dead. She was planted! Dylan runs over to the girl and shakes her silly. Why didn't they kill her? Why was she alive? What did they tell her to say? Of course, Conchita looks confused -- at first, but you know she knows what's going on, tears be damned. Dylan screams at the Rangers to saddle up. He's got it all figured out. There was never going to be a raid at Logan's Ranch. The raid could only be at the Dukes Ranch. They're off at lightning speed. Dukes Ranch. Shots are fired. Richard Dukes stirs from his bed. Logan's Ranch. John confronts Conchita-Perdita. They embrace. He doesn't blame her. She couldn't have known. Only she did know! In fact, as they hug, she says, "Please forgive me." Then she stabs him hard with a knife before she runs off, hops onto the horse, and takes off with the wagon. As she races past Kelso and Dawson, George notices that Armstrong's been injured. Immediately, Dawson dives onto his horse and chases after her. It's a good thing he's been practicing his lasso, because he ropes the little filly and throws her to the ground. Dawson jumps off his horse and holds the girl down. She struggles. Asks if he wants to "have" her before he "kills" her. Dawson wants to do neither. He just wants to know "why." Because he's a thinker, that Dawson: pontification will be the death of him. Conchita-Perdita tells Dawson everything. The bandits are riding to Mexico with their beefs, and are planning on taking over the whole state. Usher rides up just in time for Lincoln to tell him what's going on -- and then, in a frenzy of pent-up vengeance, Dawson tells him they're riding onto the Mexican trail. George's job is to get word to "the company." He ropes up Conchita-Perdita and throws her on his horse. The day has risen by the time the Rangers arrive back at Dukes Ranch. The bandits have destroyed the house: the windows are broken, the door is busted, and the furniture is all overturned. Dylan throws back a carpet and opens a trap door where members of the clan are hiding. McNelly asks, "Where's Richard?" Dawson and Usher trail Conchita-Perdita behind them as they travel from Logan's Ranch down to the Rio Grande where it meets La Cuevas. The river is beautiful. The bandits cross the river with their beefs. They spot the two and scream, "Rangers!" Shooting starts, but it's brief -- because King Fisher presents a dirty, bloody, worn-down prisoner in the form of Richard Dukes. Rangers ride. They arrive at the river and find Dawson there with Conchita-Perdita. Across the river, Richard Dukes sits on a horse with a noose around his neck. This seems to be their favoured method of execution. Apparently, King Fisher has been waiting on McNelly. However, Dawson's been trying to work out a trade: "One Mexican juggler for one Texas clown." Dylan gives the bandits his word. Because what does a man have if he doesn't have his word? King Fisher tries to convince McNelly to come over to the dark side. The Mexican side. The bandit side. They scream back and forth. Vincent Spano smirks, because he's bad. Again, Dylan says, "Captain Dukes for the girl. He means nothing to you." Ah, but he means something to McNelly. Which, of course, sends Spano jauntily running toward the horse that stands between life and hanging, and slaps its ass. Richard starts to choke. Dylan points the gun at Conchita-Perdita. Dawson stands in the way. Blah she's a victim, blah save her family, blah not an outlaw blah. Dylan screams, "Stand down or be shot." Dawson replies, "This is not what Rangers do, Captain. Show them the difference between them and us." Okay. Dudes. There are a bunch of sharpshooters. Why couldn't someone just have blasted away at the rope and set poor Richard free? Dylan grimaces and tells Dawson to stand down for the third time. Conchita-Perdita falls to her knees. We see his finger squeeze the trigger, but instead of shooting, he tells Conchita-Perdita that she's got to leave the state of Texas. And then throws in something about God having mercy on her soul. Because he's a preacher-man. He tosses the poor girl aside. Richard Dukes hangs in the balance. Conchita-Perdita wades across the river, right into Vincent Spano's arms. He's a bad, bad man. Mexican Ranger Camp. Usher smokes and paces. He does a lot of that. He tells George that he doesn't know what he wants to "worse": Kill the fellow strumming the Mexican guitar, or "teach him how to play." This whole film is filled with useless vignettes about cowboy life. Captain's Tent. Dawson listens while McNelly dictates his last will and testament. He leaves all of his land and property to the Texas Rangers. Then he leaves all his books on military strategy to Dawson, because he's a "soldier fit to lead." Only Dawson's not giving up on him that easily. He stands up and says, "Sir! They'll never expect us to cross over into Mexico." McNelly doesn't turn around as he responds, "They'll be well armed. Well provisioned." Dawson continues, "They've been riding for weeks, sir. It's their first night back. The women? The liquor? They'll crave sleep!" He's got it! They'll ambush them! The Rangers spring into action. Dylan pukes over the side of a fence, giving instructions to the men as they run past him into battle. Usher crawls up a rock ledge and attacks a bandit, tossing him in the Rio Grande. More orders. Leander orders Armstrong to the back gates; he and Dawson will attack from the front. Let the battle begin. The Texas Rangers attack. Rangers shoot. Rangers toss dynamite, of all things, at the bandits' camp. I guess they were saving the big guns until the end. Kelso screams something about the boys being surrounded in the back. Armstrong kills a couple dozen men with his sharpshooting. A bloodthirsty Vincent Spano chases Leander as he dives into a building to reload. Spano tosses an empty rifle to one side and keeps on shooting with his pistols. McNelly hides by the wall, curling up into a ball. Vincent continues to shoot the wall, only McNelly's too smart for him. Dylan shoots a mirror to distract Spano long enough to stand up and shoot him in the chest with his double-fisted pistols. In fact, all the Rangers have double-fisted pistols. Of course, elsewhere, Dawson runs out of ammo -- he dives into a clay house to reload. A bandit follows closely on his heels. Dawson screams, "I'm out of cartridges! Somebody throw me a cartridge!" Of course, the bandit thinks this is payday and comes into the building guns a-blazing. Dawson shoots his pistol at the outlaw. Ouch! He is really out of bullets! Damn. But just when he thinks he's about to bite the dust, Conchita-Perdita knifes the bandit from behind! Then she and Dawson share a moment before she corrals the women from the village out of town. In another dusty clay house, McNelly and King Fisher are fighting to the death. King Fisher has the upper hand, and kicks poor ailing McNelly across the room. The bad, bad man says, "This will only hurt for a second." Dawson steps into the room with his guns cocked: "Maybe two." Ah, his strange homoerotic hero. Dylan says, "Kill him, Mr. Dunnison. Kill him." King Fisher responds by stating that he'll blow McNelly away if Dawson shoots. Dawson hesitates. Then he dives forward, distracting King Fisher enough to pull his attention away from McNelly. Bam! Dawson gets him right in the chest. Miraculously, King Fisher is still alive. Dawson looks him straight in the eye as he stands up. Flashback! His father is shot. Flashback! His mother is shot. Flashback! His brother is shot. And for each member of his family, Dawson fires another round into poor King Fisher. How much did they pay Alfred Molina to do this? And why did he agree? Did he have a gaping hole in his résumé where "Western" should be? Yeah. ["On the other hand…Bram and Alice." -- Sars] And who said the Texas Rangers weren't about revenge? Meanwhile, as the battle rages outside, Frank Bone comes to the rescue of George and company by using the bandits' early machine gun. Of course, the bandits retreat and want to surrender! Of course, Dawson holds up McNelly as they come out of the building. Whitney from Smallville runs up. His face is dirty too. He screams, "No surrender, right, Captain! No prisoners, right, Captain!" McNelly responds by telling the boy that they'll round up their cattle and take the bandits back to Texas for trial. Dawson looks pleased; he always looks happy when he gets his way. The "beefs" are on the move. They moo as they move. The Dukes Ranch. The Rangers all stand outside the house while McNelly dies inside. Mrs. Dukes comes out and tells George and Lincoln to go inside. Dawson enters the bedroom and sits down beside the dying man. Blah remember themselves as men of law, blah men of justice, blah cough blah splutter blah. Dawson stands beside a grave. He holds his ten-gallon hat in his hand. Caroline embraces him for a minute. She looks up to the sky and says she can't help but think "they're" looking down on them. Ah, tenderness. Ah, yawn. Of course, Kelso rides by, screaming. Caroline waves at him. Dawson says, "He'll make a good rancher. And whatever else you've got in mind, he might be good at that too." Take a deep breath. Don't miss the innuendo. There is little of it to spare. Dawson walks off and plants the ten-gallon back on his head. Caroline turns around and says, "Ride safe, Mr. Dunnison." Then she smiles. Dawson takes his spot beside Armstrong and Usher. Armstrong looks at him and screams, "Rangers! Ride out!" The sun sets. The music swells. The horses gallop. The Rangers ride off into the sunset. The End.