Dawson's Creek S06E10

Okay. So, Dylan McDermott and Dawson decided to get together over the summer break and make a movie. Of course, it's summer, so it's hot. They decide to do a Western. And this movie sat on the shelf for how long?

A violin whines in the background. Old-fashioned-style pictures of the "Wild West" float around on the screen. Guns blaze over the soundtrack. A narrator gives us the pre-story. During the American Civil War, the only "lawmen" in southern Texas disbanded to fight for the Confederacy. The narrator explains that back in the day, Leander McNelly, the head of the Texas Rangers, left wife, kids, and parish (he was their preacher) to go and fight for the cause. When he got back, he found his wife and kids gone, stolen by bandits, and he was never the same again. Of course, neither was Texas, because in this story, the state is as much as a character as the men themselves. Go Texas!

Now, the year is 1875. The war has been over for ten years. The bandits have overrun southern Texas, and the governor wants to re-commission the Texas Rangers, so he's looking for Leander McNelly.

It's raining. Texas looks very lush and green. As we pan down to Dylan McDermott, we hear him coughing and panting. He's hacking away at the earth. The man is digging his own grave. He would be sweating if it weren't raining. A group of three men come over the valley and ride down to Leander. Tom Skerritt, or "Richard Dukes," calls out, "Leander. That's a mighty pretty spot for a resting place. Who's the grave for?" It's for him. If he waits too long, the ground will be "froze." Remember, we're in the "Old West." Richard Dukes asks him to come and winter at his ranch. Because it'll be like "old times." Leander responds, "I don't reckon I'll last the winter." In case we didn't get it, the filmmakers would like to establish the ill health of one Leander McNelly, former head of the Texas Rangers. Dukes been sent by the governor, who was hoping Leander would listen to reason and get back in the saddle -- so to speak.

Meanwhile, as the credits roll, a stagecoach plows along a dusty road. Men yell, "Ha-yup." Horses move. Inside the coach, we find Dawson. Some unfortunate makeup person has attached some poorly advised sideburns to each side of his massive head. Six men are crowded into the small traveling space, and they loom backwards, forwards, and sideways, jiggling and joggling as the coach hurtles forward. Dawson's father is blathering on about how one can never underestimate the value of naming a product well. People, we are seeing the birth of marketing. I'll bet you didn't expect that. Blah new product, blah prototype, blah bonding blah. Mr. Denison holds up a package of papers for his son to see, and a necklace falls out. Dawson picks it up, holds it to the light. Mr. Denison says, "It's for your mother." Why didn't he mail it when they were in Austin? "You'll see."

The soundtrack hurtles on as the stagecoach arrives in town. Cows are everywhere. Each way you turn, there is another cow. A man checks his pocket watch, walks towards another man, and says that it's past four and they should start their auction before the buyers get more "nervous." The Marshal is nervous. He's got a bad feeling about the auction. Dawson and his father unpack the coach. They look to the left, where a woman yells, "Lincoln!" He turns and runs toward her: "Mother!" Pause. "Jake!" Hugs all around. Teasing. Faux-matronly prodding about "Lincoln's" height. A bell is rung. The Watch Man launches the cattle auction. But wait! A bandit has wrestled his way into town. The Marshal whisper-yells, "King Fisher." Alfred Molina comes riding up. He wears all black, because he's a bad guy. The Marshal asks what he wants. King Fisher responds, "I've come for my beefs." Isn't that a double-edged line of dialogue? Does he mean cows, or does he mean beefs? Is he mad at someone, or looking for his dinner? Blah. They try to tell King Fisher he can bid on the auction. King responds, "I bid fifty." Of what, you may ask? Well, men, of course. Then the bandit army blazes over the dusty trail. Hi-yah. The Watch Man is stunned. It's a nasty piece of business. The Bandit Army draws their weapons on the entire town. Lincoln and his brother, mother, and father look desperately around for one another, but everyone gets separated in the crowd. King Fisher explains to the Marshal that he's the law. He's taking his "beefs" home. The Marshal says, "I can't let you take these cattle." The bandits' response? Yeah, they start shooting. They shoot everyone. Mothers. Fathers. Ranchers. Innocents. Children. The horses freak out. People run around screaming. Dawson watches as King Fisher executes his mother and father. Bodies are strewn everywhere. A bandit walks up and rips the necklace from Lincoln's mother's neck. Lincoln remains pinned under his dead brother. The bandits pillage. Then they ride off with their "beefs." Poor Dawson is left behind with a "beef" of his own. Thirty seconds ago he was reunited with his mother and horsing around with his brother; then, in a matter of minutes, he's lying pinned under his brother's dead body as he watches his entire family gunned down by bandits. Oh. How. Dramatic.

Lincoln walks through dry grass toward an unknown destination. He takes off his jacket. His shirt is dirty. His hat is ratcheted down on his huge Dawson head. We fade to white.

A dusty "ghost" town appears. Crows cackle. The ground is dusty under his feet. You can hear it crackle as he walks. His face is dirty. Well, what you can see of it behind the mutton-chops. Lincoln walks into a deserted building. Why? Who knows? He says, "Is anyone here?" Kelso from That 70's Show jumps out from behind a fallen table. I guess he was on vacation too, and was looking for a more "intelligent" side project. Dude, Where's My Car? just didn't cut it. Kelso brandishes a gun, and says, "Don't move and I'll shoot." Lincoln puts his arms up. Kelso's semantics confuse Dawson: "Don't move and you'll shoot? What does that mean? If I don't move you're going to shoot me?" Aren't they witty? Can someone please explain to me why Lincoln would end up in an abandoned building in a ghost town anyway? What's up with movie logic? Oh, here's a building in a part of the country overrun by bandits. I think I'll investigate. Hmm. It doesn't seem to be populated. Why, I'll just yell out to see if anyone is there. And tell me, why didn't Dawson jump on a horse after the bandits took the cattle? They didn't kill all the horses. They just killed the people. What happened to the stagecoach? Why is he walking anyway? Man, we're less than fifteen minutes into this film and I'm already totally confused. Right. Kelso's got a gun and it's aimed at Dawson's chest. Dawson says, "My name is Lincoln Rogers Dunnison. You have to understand. I'm not one of the men who did this." Kelso holds the gun out and looks like he's about to burst into tears. Apparently, he's stuck under the table. Dawson offers to help, but only if Kelso will put down the gun. Ah, it's like two little boys playing "cowboys" when they were younger. Too bad they're acting like they're playing, instead of playing like they're acting.

Outside. Kelso chases after Lincoln. He yells, "I'm from Missouri!" And it's a big bad world! Gee! What an adventure! Then he explains how he was on a cattle drive when the bandits ambushed them, stole their cattle, and killed everyone. Damn. Those bandits are bad. Lincoln: "They didn't kill you?" Well, Kelso was trapped and they didn't see him. In fact, he's "damn lucky, otherwise he'd be dead too." Then he asks where Lincoln is headed. "Brownsville." What's in Brownsville? The Texas Rangers, of course! Kelso announces that he's going with Dawson. Dawson replies, "It's a long way to Brownsville." I half expect a step dance and some fiddle music. They stop walking. They pause. And Kelso says coyly, "I've got a horse." Then he finally introduces himself as "George Durham."

Sunset. Horse travel. Music. Coyote. Fire. Sleep under the stars. More coyotes. Wild dogs. George says, "You're not so used to sleeping under the stars, are you?" Dawson looks at him and thinks he's used to sleeping in Capeside. Then Kelso gives him advice about sleeping outdoors. Yeah, apparently, you dig a "hip hole" and then fill a bandana with saw grass and put it under your head. Only neither of them has bandanas. Kelso looks up to the stars with the fire lighting his face and says, "It's the Lord's country, Lincoln." Honest. Lincoln finds the irony in that statement. Kelso further pontificates, "Land this beautiful, no wonder everyone's killing over her." I hate it when they use the female pronoun to refer to land, cars, and boats. It drives me nuts. "She's been here a long time before us. She'll be here a long time to come." Yes. He is talking about Texas. What a pretty woman she is! Dawson says, "You are a philosopher, George Durham." These two have been inhaling more smoke than from the fire, I'll tell you.

Hi-yah! Brownsville. There's a hotel. Commerce abounds. There's an outdoor market. Roosters and chickens run around. A menacing man yells, "We're going to protect you people. The least you can do is contribute supplies." Blah starving army, blah keep the crops safe blah. Men rifle through people's wares. They break terra cotta pots. The ringleader yells over to Lincoln and George, telling them to grab as much "grub" as they can, gosh-dangit -- they're going to ride out and catch themselves some bandits! A gun goes off. Dylan rides into town wearing a black suit and some three-day-old stubble. The Ringleader says, "Morning Rangers." What's their business? Well, they're vigilantes without a "Yankee, nigger, or Mexican" among them. Why do people even write films like this? It's still offensive. I don't care how period-specific they claim to be. Dylan shuts the operation down. They have some strange confrontation about Leander being a "preacher-man" from "San Antone." Dylan denies he ever was a preacher-man. He announces that the men can keep their guns to guard their homes, but they do have to go home, this vigilante-rebel army. Dylan's got Robert Patrick and Randy Travis with him. Robert Patrick's got this moustache with handlebars longer than a banana-seat bicycle. Dylan gives them one minute to "take a vote." What are they voting for? Didn't he just tell them all to go home? Right, Dylan only says "take a vote" so that the Rebel leader can say, "Hey preacher-man, the vote's in," and shoot at him. Bam! The Rebel leader ends up on the ground. Dylan's a quick draw. Yawn. He trots up to the dying man on his horse. The Rebel leader says, "Say me the last rites, preacher. Before He takes me." Dylan says, "I ain't no preacher." He rides away, announcing that the Texas Rangers are recruiting. They can ask for him, Leander McNelly, Frank Bone (Randy Travis), or Sergeant Armstrong (Robert Patrick).