Previously on Dawson's Creek: Whitney from Bring It On told Dawson that Todd was an "effing genius" and that it's her job to find his gig. North America yawned. Dawson really hurt Natasha, Todd's bitchy drunken lead actress. South America snored. At Liberty Hell's Kitchen, Joey kissed Oliver, but he was less than thrilled by her motives. Australia voted to sink into the sea rather than stick around to find out what happens . Pacey and Audrey's relationship began to split at the seams, and audiences across the world realized that yes, they really do want to smack Audrey across the face. Across town at Boston Bay College, Jack's formerly Ambiguously Gay, but now Unambiguously Closeted (tm Demian) Professor hit on him, and Jack reacted as though Professor Unambiguously Closeted admitted that he liked to strangle puppies and eat their furry little ears for breakfast. Extraterrestrials across the cosmos decide to stop monitoring earthlings all together.
Liberty Hell's Kitchen. Joey stands at the end of the bar and shoots eyeball daggers at Oliver, who's flirting with some chippies in halter tops. Emma, Haughty Beer Wench, sidles up to the bar to Joey. The Orange One snippily demands that Emma help her make Oliver fall prey to the wonder of her It. Emma shrugs and suggests cutting giant holes in her shirt. "It'll do wonders for your tips," she says, but, see, it sounds like she said "tits," and there's this whole "what did you say?" "What did you think I said?" exchange that ends with Emma chortling and throwing the cap from a beer bottle at Joey. Sadly, it doesn't strike her in the eye. Oliver finally comes over, as Emma saucily tramps off. Joey sarcastically wonders if Oliver could possibly keep her waiting longer time. Oliver shrugs. "I guess I find you a little intimidating now that you tried to ram your tongue down my throat," he says. Joey reels off her order, then snidely reminds Oliver that they agreed never to speak of the kissing incident again. Oliver hits the tap and tells her that he doesn't recall any such conversation. Joey sputters that said conversation was implied. "Social conventions dictate that when something embarrassing happens, we all tacitly agree never to speak of them again," she says. Nice vocab, there, but very poor grammar. I give that line a C-plus. Joey snips that this tacit agreement is what keeps society running smoothly. "That, and alcohol," she says. Well, at least that part is true. As the great philosopher Homer Simpson once said, alcohol is the cause of and solution to all of life's problems. Oliver doesn't agree with this -- with the "never speak of this again" bit, not the "alcohol rocks!" part. Joey shifts her weight from one foot to another and snuffles that she doesn't want to get into a philosophical discussion.
She's about to angrily inform him what it is, exactly, that she does want, but she's interrupted by Emma, who sighs that she can't believe they're fighting again. I can. It's supposed to be, I believe, a sort of Moonlighting-esque Co-Workers Spend A Lot Of Time Arguing Because They Lurve Each Other In Spite Of Themselves type thing. Of course, it's actually just boring. But whatever. Oliver tells Emma that they're not fighting. Apparently, they're having a philosophical discussion. God, will anything interesting ever happen on this show again? I'm almost wishing for another Musical Mugger episode. At least there was some blood spilled in that one. Eventually, Emma rolls her eyes and skips off to rehearse with her Very Contrived Punk Band. But not before rubbing her eyes and complaining about her rapidly and conveniently disappearing bandmates. Emma pinches Oliver's cheek and tells the two of them to kiss and make up and get back to work. And then she leaves. Joey rolls her eyes, horribly offended. Oliver just smiles. "You told her?" Joey yelps. "Coincidence," Oliver tells her, then wonders what would motivate him to tell Emma that Joey wanted to swap some spit, anyway. "To embarrass me," Joey snaps, as though this were entirely obvious. Self-Centered, your table is ready! Instead of smacking her, however, Oliver just chirps that Joey is doing an excellent job of embarrassing herself without any help from him. She shoots him a dirty look and leaves with her order. You guys? I totally hate Joey now. I think I hate her more than I hate Dawson. If I had to be stranded on a deserted island with one of them for all eternity, I would pick Dawson. I mean it. At the very least, his head would provide shelter from the elements.
Credits.
Schmancy hotel bar. Natasha and Todd are knocking a few back. Enter the Head. Natasha greets him without making eye contact and quickly makes her exit, kindly leaving Dawson alone with his one true love, Todd. Todd take another swig of his drink, then informs Dawson drunkenly that if he -- Dawson -- weren't such a total disaster with the ladies, he might be sneaking off to join Natasha right this moment. Then he tries to sneak off himself, taking a large bottle of vodka with him. Dawson, naturally, stops him, saying that they need to discuss problems on the set. Todd rolls his eyes and puts the vodka back on the bar. He drunkenly slurs that, as he suspected, Dawson is not there to "participate in the general debauchery." Todd is so drunk, however, that this comes out as "partiiiiiiicipatttte indie gener deboshrye." Dawson says something boring about how they're behind schedule and over budget and Todd really needs to return Whitney's calls and blah blah blah no one cares about the intricacies of this fictional movie. On cue, Whitney arrives at the bar. She's pissed. She wants a better room, and she wants to find out what the hell is going on the set. Dawson skips off to get Whitney a nicer suite. Todd shoots him a series of overly dramatic frightened looks. I can't believe I'm still recapping this boring subplot.
Emma's apartment. Audrey reads a book and listens to her headphones. Across the coffee table, Pacey just stares at her and smiles. "What?" Audrey finally snaps. "Nothing," Pacey responds, then asks if the book is any good. "Honey, it's required. How could it be good?" Audrey asks, throwing it down and going into the kitchen for a glass of water. The nerdy English major in me is so offended by this response, and I don't care if that makes me sound uncool. First of all, poor Pacey is just trying to make conversation. It's common societal practice to ask someone who is reading a book if the book is any good. Second of all, Princess, plenty of required reading is good and -- surprise! -- some people even enjoy school. I really have no patience for Audrey anymore. What was once "charming" and "sassy" is now "irritating" and "spoiled." Don't like the school Daddy "pulled strings" to get you into? Maybe you should transfer to a school you like better and open up that slot at Worthington for someone who really wants to go there, you self-centered little brat. Wow, I didn't even know I had that in me. That felt pretty good. I forgot how much I enjoy the rage.
Pacey explains that it's just the first book he's seen her crack all semester. Audrey ignores him in favor of looking in the fridge. "Hey, Audrey!" Pacey finally yells. Joshua Jackson is cute, even with the increasingly stupid facial hair. "What?" Audrey yells in response. Pacey chirps that he's just trying to talk to his girlfriend. "Okay," Audrey snits petulantly. Pacey wants to know what's bothering her. Audrey lies that nothing is bothering her. Maybe I should take a nap. Pacey puts his arms around Audrey and tells her that she's acting weird. "Define 'weird,'" Audrey mutters. Pacey's dictionary defines "weird" as "studious and quiet." Audrey huffs, offended. "What, I act like Joey for a second and suddenly, I'm weird?" she snaps. Pacey sighs. He just wants to know if maybe Audrey and Jen got into some trouble at the party last week, he finally says hesitantly. Audrey denies this -- too quickly -- and says that, for a former party girl, Jen's "not even on a first-name basis with trouble." Which is, frankly, true. Pacey keeps questioning her, though, and Audrey finally just tells him that Jen met a nice guy, "a regular knight in shining armor." Pacey grins. "Just like me?" he asks, squeezing her affectionately. "Yes, Pacey. Just like you," Audrey parrots reluctantly. Pacey starts kissing her neck, murmuring that they've got the entire apartment to themselves. Audrey kisses him back unenthusiastically, then turns away. Pacey's face falls. "Um, yeah. I'm sorry," Audrey mutters. Pacey looks stunned. Audrey tells him that she's really tired. Pacey immediately backs off. "No! No, it's all right!" he tells her, overly cheerful. He climbs back into his armchair and opens his own book. Audrey has the good grace to look slightly guilty. Not that turning down sex if you're not in the mood is something you should feel guilty about, just that -- oh, you know what I mean. She's being a total brat.
Cut to the morning. Pacey is dressed for work, but sitting in the same chair, snoring over his books. Emma stumbles out of her bedroom, rubbing her eyes, and muttering Pacey's name. No response. "Pacey!" Emma yelps, staring at the empty coffee pot on the counter. "Yes! What? I didn't do it!" Pacey says, sitting bolt upright. Emma exposits that he was up all night studying. And that he drank all the coffee. Oh, the drama! "No!" Pacey says. "Okay, yes. But there's more, and we have plenty," he speeds, leaping out of the chair and racing over to the kitchen, telling Emma that people say it's hard to stay up all night, but it's actually totally not, although the hour between 4:00 AM and 5:00 AM will really get you -- and that's true -- and blah blah non-convertible bonds, equity, stockbroker yada yada yada snore. Finally Emma just barks at him to give her the coffee, which he does. Water runs in the background. "That's not your bloody girlfriend in the shower again, is it?" Emma screams. "Nope, that's Jack," Pacey lies. Then Audrey starts singing "California Dreaming." She sounds okay. Just okay. No better than any other shower soloist, like, ever. It's certainly no better than my own rendition of "Oops, I Did It Again" this morning at approximately 8:30 AM. Of course, I was really on fire today, so that's a lot to live up to. Emma shoots Pacey a dirty look and grits that Audrey is at the apartment all the time. Pacey sputters that Emma needs to talk to Audrey about that. He races out the door. Wow, roommate relations issues! God, this is fascinating! In no way is it true that I'm only watching this show because I'm contractually obligated to do so!
Bathroom. Audrey sings. Emma gets ready to yell at her, but instead listens and looks thoughtful. I seriously think they're trying to bore me to death.
Professor Unambiguously Closeted's classroom. Jen settles into a desk to Jack, wondering what happened between Jack and Professor Unambiguously Closeted at the party. I can't believe they haven't already had this conversation, but whatever. Jack sputters that Professor Unambiguously Closeted is straight, and even if he weren't, Jack certainly wouldn't get involved with him. While they're chatting, the TAs hand out their most recent papers. Jen gets a B-plus. Jack gets a C-minus. Oh no! The paper is twenty percent of the grade! And Professor Unambiguously Closeted reviewed all the grades himself! He must be punishing Jack for not wanting to have sex with him! The scandal! I've never seen such a plot on television before! Where are my smelling salts? I think I'm having an attack of the vapors!
Joey. Oliver. Worthington. Dropping dead of boredom and agony. Joey runs into the dreamy bartender on her way to the library, and offers to help him put up these posters he's lugging around advertising Emma's band's gig at Liberty Hell's Kitchen. "Should have kept walking," Oliver just says. He doesn't need her help, he finally continues, and in fact, he says, he liked her "a lot better when [she was] surly." Joey begins to protest that she's not surly, but realizes that this is a giant lie and corrects herself by saying that they've both been acting immaturely since "the incident." Oliver rolls his eyes and tells her not to back down like that. "If you do that in class today, [Professor Flip-Flops] will eat you alive." Joey changes the subject, wondering when he's doing his presentation. But Oliver starts getting all snitty about the kissing again, neatly sidestepping her question. He doesn't want them to start acting like everything is "nice" between them, he says, when nothing is nice between them whatsoever. In the course of this calculated little hissyfit, Oliver dubs the kissing "agreeable, yes, but hardly nice." Oh, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. People kiss! It doesn't always have to mean anything, you know, other than "hey, I'd like to see what your tongue feels like in my mouth." Anyway. Oliver reels off a bunch of snippy comments and runs away. Joey rolls her eyes. The audience snores.
Movie set. Snore. Yawn. Drool. Whitney is running all over the place, basically acting like a real pain in the ass. She informs Todd yet again that he's behind schedule and over budget and that the suits hate Natasha and I think I'm just going to go back to sleep. In fact, I was dreaming that I was in the middle of a calculus exam -- even though, in real life, I talked my way out of taking calculus, like, ever -- and even that was much more entertaining that this is. And I say that as someone who really, really dislikes math. Basically, Whitney wants to shut down production and recast. But Dawson has to butt his big fat head in, insisting that Natasha can do the job and saying that for this movie to work, the heroine has to be "both sexy and intelligent. Natasha is that girl." What is this fluid coming out of my mouth? Why, it's vomit! I hate this show. Whitney gives Dawson a supremely dirty look, then turns to Todd. "Why do I care what he thinks?" she asks snidely, bless her. Todd sputters that Dawson is the flick's target demo and also his one true love and I seriously think that I might follow through on my threat to recap a book on my shelf rather than continue with this agonizingly dull Movie In Jeopardy plot. Anyway, Whitney finally agrees reluctantly when Dawson suggests they show her some recut footage of Natasha's performance. Todd is so thrilled by this development that he kisses Dawson right on the mouth. Not really, but you know he wants to. And you know, maybe I'll just start making shit up now. It's bound to be more interesting that what's actually happening.
Classroom of the Closeted. Jen looks at the blue books before them and sputters that there must be some mistake, because her grade is better than Jack's even though he's been working hard all semester! How can this be? Jack snorts unintelligibly and goes to take the issue up with Professor Unambiguously Closeted. "Don't tell me. Another unsatisfied customer," Professor Unambiguously Closeted says, before he sees which customer it is, exactly. Jack yelps that Professor Unambiguously Closeted told him he enjoyed Jack's paper. At the frat party where he hit on him! Professor Unambiguously Closeted sputters that he meant that he enjoyed the content of the paper, but that Jack's grasp of structure is quite "rudimentary." Which is BS, by the way, even if it's true. Bad structure won't get you graded down to a C-minus. B-minus, sure. But if the content is really good, I can't imagine that the structure is bad enough to warrant such a drubbing. Anyway. Professor Unambiguously Closeted doesn't meet Jack's eyes as he tells him that he can recommend some good books on structure. He turns to go, but feels compelled to add that "a C-minus isn't that bad." Um, yes it is. It's certainly not good. Professor Unambiguously Closeted also reminds Jack that he -- Jack -- already admitted that he wasn't a very motivated student. Jack looks tremendously hurt and says he thought he was doing better this semester. Professor Unambiguously Closeted wonders snidely if maybe Jack had overly high expectations of himself. Yawn. This isn't interesting at all! If I wanted to see students complain about their grades, I would start skulking around the local high school.
Movie set. Instead of explaining how Whitney is gone for the afternoon, but will be coming back to watch the dailies later, and how Todd is going to fire Natasha if she doesn't nail the scene, I'd like to discuss Roald Dahl's book The Twits, which was my favorite book when I was seven years old. I made my Daddy read it to me every night. The Twits is about an enormously unpleasant married couple. They hate each other and spend the entire book playing increasingly mean, albeit hilarious, pranks on one another, calling each other terrible names, and being mean to their trained monkeys. I recommend it highly! on Jessica Talks About The Books On Her Coffee Table Instead Of Recapping A Boring Scene On Dawson's Creek: Britney Spears' Heart to Heart, by Britney and Lynne Spears. Shouldn't that be "Britney Spears's Heart to Heart"? ["Yes." -- Sars] How appropriate that there would be a grammatical error on the cover of Britney's little book.
Elsewhere on set, Dawson walks in on Natasha while she's changing. Don't ask why she's picking out her own wardrobe. This must be a very low-budget film. Anyway. His seeing her naked leads to her calling him a "prude," but also to her admitting that they both have "room for improvement" as far as their relationship goes. She then admits that she knows she needs to nail this scene but she has no idea what her motivation is, so Dawson, because he's a genius, gives it to her. "Don't think. Just act," is his stellar advice, like, thanks, Stella Adler, but that's pretty crappy motivation. And there's actually even more extremely boring dialogue, but I'm really very busy reading about how Britney was voted Most Beautiful in her high school yearbook.
Stockbrokers'. Pacey's leaning back in his chair, on the phone, trying to make a sale. In walks Audrey, wearing a very short kilt. All the men in the office stare at her ass like they've never seen a girl before. Pacey disconnects and intercepts her. Audrey smiles at him widely. "What are you doing here?" he hisses. "Get a room, Witter," one of the stockbrokers yells. Who heckles their officemates? I'm going to try that tomorrow. At any rate, Pacey thinks getting a room is an excellent idea, and hustles Audrey into the conference room. My notes for this scene read, "Is A. supposed to be a moron?" And I'd still like to know the answer to that question, now that you mention it. Audrey simpers that he never takes her calls at the office. Pacey explains that he's already on the phone, you know, doing his job. She begs him not to be mad at her for interrupting him at the office, but she has really, really, really big news: she's joining Emma's band! And he has to come to their gig at Liberty Hell's Kitchen! She needs him there! "Say no more," Pacey says, telling her that he'll gladly come to the gig if she'll leave the office and never, ever come back.
Worthington. Joey's giving an oral presentation for Prof. Flip-Flops. And he's being such an asshole that I really don't understand why she doesn't just drop his class. I mean, it's an upper-level seminar, and I don't get the impression that it's required. He's a dick. He's borderline abusive to his students. Drop the class, you stupid girl! I swear, sometimes I wonder how exactly we're supposed to even pretend to believe that Joey's this big fat brain. Anyway. She's standing up there with her little notecards, giving her presentation on Lolita. Professor Flip-Flops holds up a weary finger. "Stop. I'm so bored, I'm losing my pulse here, Potter," he says. Oh, writers. You make the jokes almost too easy! Anyway, Flip-Flops starts giving Joey shit, thus making it clear that Brainy Little Joey Potter is giving a presentation on a book she apparently has not read. The only person in the class who has read Lolita, it seems, is Oliver. Flip-Flops sarcastically thanks God that Oliver is there to provide the proper answers, shoots Oliver a spectacularly dirty look, and gives Joey permission to "go back to boring [them] to death." Oliver spits that if Flip-Flops would lay off Joey for once, maybe she wouldn't be so nervous. And so Flip-Flops, who clearly has some sort of personality disorder, turns on Oliver with a vengeance, snapping that he's a pretty lenient teacher who tends to overlook facts that other teachers might not, and isn't that true, Oliver? Twenty more minutes of Sturm und Drang make it fairly clear that there's something strange going on between Flip-Flops and Oliver, namely that Oliver isn't really a student and Flip-Flops is enjoying holding that over his head. Well, that doesn't specifically come out until later in the episode, but it's really made fairly clear in this scene, and I have to get back to my nap. At any rate, Oliver goes storming out of the classroom and Joey chases him into the hallway…
…where she yelps that he has to come back to class! She doesn't know what's going on, she admits, but he can't back down when Flip-Flops gets in his face. Oliver snits that she's right: she doesn't know what's going on with him. He basically tells her to butt out and then stomps off like a little girl. Joey looks stunned by the continuing failure of her It. I consider investing in a sleeper sofa, so as to snooze through the rest of this abysmal final season in comfort.
Anyway. Liberty Hell's Kitchen. Joey is looking for Oliver, but he's not there. She noses around until Emma finally reveals that Oliver isn't really a Worthington student. Joey sputters that she totally knew that, but actually does a rather poor job of concealing her shock. My God, people. Oliver is…no, I can't say it. It's too horrible, what Oliver does. Okay, I'll whisper it. People, Oliver is…auditing a class! Will no one think of the children? Joey decides that she needs to go harass Oliver about this, so she exposits that she's going to snoop around in the personnel files in the office until she finds his address, and then she's going to stalk him.
The most boring movie set in the whole wide world. Whitney is watching the most recent footage of Natasha, which she dubs "adequate instead of abysmal." I wish I could say the same about this episode. Anyhoo, blah blah blah, because Dawson is a genius, he helps the editor recut said adequate footage, while Todd and Whitney argue about how they used to date and how he dumped her for a stripper. That's such a nice story. Eventually, Dawson shows Whitney the recut footage, and she decides that she doesn't want to shut down production anymore. I seriously doubt that any of this plotline is realistic whatsoever. I'm quite sure, however, than none of it is interesting.
Jack goes to see Professor Unambiguously Closeted at his office. Jack's been thinking about the paper all day, he says. "If I hadn't been so shocked about what you said to me the other night, would this C-minus have been any higher?" he asks. Professor Unambiguously Closeted dubs this a low blow, but Jack stands his ground, saying that he's trying to make "an informed decision." Professor Unambiguously Closeted stares at the wall as Jack says that if the answer to that question is "yes," then maybe Professor Unambiguously Closeted should ask him again. He might get a different answer. Professor Unambiguously Closeted simply doesn't know what to say. So Jack keeps talking. He says it's one thing to be a gay teenager, afraid of what everyone will think of him. But Professor Unambiguously Closeted is an adult, and a married one. By staying in the closet, Professor Unambiguously Closeted is "ruining lives on a much larger scale," Jack says. Professor Unambiguously Closeted sniffs that not everybody is willing to spend their lives being part of "a despised minority." Dude, at what college is he teaching pop-culture studies? I'm not denying that gays and lesbians face homophobia every day. But at a small liberal arts college in Massachusetts in the, er, pop-culture department? (Is there a pop-culture department? Would that be in the media studies department instead? Television and film? I don't know. Why am I fixated on this?) I bet the halls are chockablock with folks of all kinds of sexual orientation. People, I lived on the arts floor in the dormitory in college. I was an English major. I was the president of the drama club in high school. I used to work in interior design. I've spent the last ten years of my life surrounded by gay men. And most of them aren't nearly as miserable as either Professor Unambiguously Closeted or Jack. And…what the hell was my point here? Ah, yes. I find Professor Unambiguously Closeted's, you know, closetedness -- at his age, in his profession, and in Boston -- to be a little bit unrealistic. And while we're on the subject, I'd like to know why, exactly, every hottie Jack runs into is issue-ridden. Surely there are some guys at Boston Bay College who are here, queer, and over it already. I just don't understand why all of Jack's plotlines revolve around hot guys who are in the closet, anyway. Why can't he join a band, for example? Or, you know, go to work in a bar with a cute non-student bartender who can't resist his It? Or something? Where was I? Oh, yeah. Jack huffs that if that's true, then maybe Professor Unambiguously Closeted should ask himself who's doing the despising. Hey, way to go, Jack. At last, you're sort of standing up for yourself. Now, you treat yourself! You go out to a club full of gay, naked, dancing boys and you kiss one of them! Jack leaves. Professor Unambiguously Closeted looks sad and thoughtful.
Liberty Hell's Kitchen. Jen, looking cute in a striped boatneck top, trips backstage, where she finds Audrey looking vaguely more hardcore than usual in phony new facial piercings and a cute plaid skirt. Audrey wonders if Jen saw Pacey in the audience, but Jen explains that she couldn't tell, because it was "way too crowded" out there. Audrey makes a nervous face, but swears to Jen that she's not suffering from stage fright in the least. Jen offers that Audrey seems sort of tense, and then decides that this would be a good time to discuss their drunken antics of the episode. Audrey lies that she doesn't remember anything that happened that night, like, at all. Jen looks sad. And thin. And sad again. But there's no time to talk about Audrey's new alcoholism or her problems with Pacey, because Emma and her fishnet shirt pop into the frame and yelp that they're on. "The piercings are a nice touch, by the way," she says as she and Audrey take the stage. "Screw this up and I'll kill you," she calls as Audrey goes to the microphone, where she introduces the band, the Hells Belles, as anemically as possible. Jen watches from the audience. Nice to see them giving Michelle Williams such a meaty plot line, what with all the nodding and the smiling.
And so Audrey sings "California Dreaming" again. And -- man alive! It is HORRIBLE. John Phillips is spinning in his grave. Cass Elliott is spinning in hers. Michelle Phillips should sue. I forget if the other guy in the Mamas and the Papas is alive or what, but where ever he is, he ought to be pissed. Michelle Williams is indeed a wonderful actress, because she's acting like this is the most fantastic example of musical artistry that she's ever heard. Me? Blood is pouring from my ears. First they blind me, now they deafen me. If only they'd kill me and just get it over with.
The sad guitar gently weeps as Joey stalks Oliver all the way to his sad pad on the wrong side of town. "What the hell are you doing here?" he asks by way of greeting. She yelps that she wants to talk to him about what happened in class. He's not really in that class anymore, Oliver tells her. Seriously, I just can't get comfortable enough on this sofa to really fall into a deep sleep. Maybe I should move the TV and VCR into the bedroom. Joey flips her hair and simpers that she gets it, that he's not a student and she gets it. Has she mentioned that she gets it? Because she knows that can be a difficult concept to grasp. Her getting it, she means. "Oh, you get that, do you?" Oliver sneers. Joey shifts her weight and explains that she doesn't get what it was all for, but she understands the facts. They stare at each other for a while before Joey asks if she could have a glass of water. All the stalking and harassing she's been doing has generated a powerful thirst, apparently. Oliver irritably lets her inside.
Inside, it's all about Joey, Joey, Joey. As per usual. "My presentation went well after you left," she chirps as Oliver pours her a glass of water. Wow, now he can rest easy. "Congratulations, Joey, I'm happy for you," Oliver drones. How is he not rolling his eyes? "I'm sure you're only seconds away from breaking through [Flip-Flops's] crusty exterior, earning his undying respect and graduating magna cum laude. Or you could save yourself a lot of trouble and just sleep with him," he finally snarks. Well, that seems a little harsh. And I don't even like Joey. She wonders sarcastically if Oliver acts this nicely to everyone who tries to help him. Oliver stares at her for a long beat, then asks her to give him a moment to process "the condescending notion that help is actually required." Oh, JESUS. Just have sex already and get it over with, you two. And then cancel this show so I can get on with my life. Anyway. Oliver doesn't think Joey could possibly understand the troubles he's seen and she shouldn't have invested anything in him blah blah blah. Joey insists that she hasn't invested shit in him! Oliver continues, saying that he thinks she should direct her efforts toward getting back together with her preppy boyfriend, if "[he'll] have her." Continue in this vein for ten more minutes, at which point Joey storms out. Oliver makes a face like he just had some bad egg salad.
Professor Unambiguously Closeted finds Jack on the street corner, buying a coffee. How did he find him? I don't care. Did he walk the streets of Boston, searching for him? I couldn't possibly bring myself to even wonder. Professor Unambiguously Closeted hands over Jack's regraded paper. Jack got a "B." Good for Jack. But honestly, if Jack were my best friend in the entire world, my most enthusiastic reaction to this development would be, "Good for you, sweetie! Hey, is Christina Aguilera even skankier now or what?" Seeing as I barely care what happens to anyone on this show this season at all, I can't even offer that much emotion. Anyway, Professor Unambiguously Closeted admits that he did let his emotions affect the way he graded Jack's paper. Blah blah when he was young it was hard to be gay, blah blah the world has changed because people were willing to stand up for their right to love whomever they chose, yada yada yada Jack requests that the TA grade him henceforth. "No problem," Professor Unambiguously Closeted says. And I certainly hope Jack has learned a valuable lesson from this. About what, I really can't imagine. But I'm sure there's some nugget of wisdom he can pick up from all this. Isn't there? Oh, I really don't care. Professor Unambiguously Closeted leaves, just as Jen arrives. Jack sadly explains that he was just getting the thing with his paper straightened out. "Oh, is it?" she asks. "Straight?" Jack asks. "Perfectly." Bada bing! Thanks, folks! They'll be here all night! Because, see, with the "gay" thing and the "straight" thing and the "straightened out" thing? Yawn. Jack shoves the paper into his back pocket and wanders down the street with Jen, looking forlorn.
week: I don't care.