The Kids Are Alright

So, we pick up right where we left off, with Joey grinning madly at the camera. She narrates that she "totally could have gone to Paris." Sweet Mary. We're opening with a tedious voiceover? I thought I left those behind forever when The X-Files went off the air. At least Joey sounds oodles more chipper than either Mulder or Scully ever did. Of course, as far as I know, she's never had her sister abducted by aliens or shot to death in her apartment, nor has she been abducted by the government, had a chip placed in her neck, been given terminal nose cancer, or been mysteriously impregnated with a baby who can move things with his mind. Unless I missed that episode. Anyhoo, Joey explains that she decided not to max out her only credit card. There's a very odd cut here, from Joey's grinning freeze-frame from the season finale to an image of her sitting on the dock in Capeside. It's like a stylized, zig-zaggy screen wipe type thing, and it's really a bit strange for this particular show. "Screw that!" Joey chirps, re: the maxing out of the credit card. Then she squeals that she decided on the pleasures of "a relatively angst-free summer in Capeside" instead of a summer waltzing around Gay Paree. This cues the montage of the Summer of Joey, which seems to have consisted of reading on the dock, waiting tables at the yacht club and flirting with a fellow waiter. Can this voiceover end now? Because it's boring. And she sounds so bizarrely perky. It's scaring me. We cut to a scene of Joey and the Waiter eating ice cream and grinning at each other. "I think I'm in love with you," Waiter Boy says. The Summer of Joey music ends with a Needle-Being-Pulled-Off-The-Record type sound affect. Wait, I thought they cancelled Ally McBeal. Cut to a shot of Joey sprawled in a deck chair. "I know, poor Joey Potter! Cute boy falls in love with her! How tragic! But it was! A completely inappropriate display! Of affection!" Joey squeals perkily. Did they up her meds over the summer? Sitting on the deck chair, she examines a postcard from Hollywood, explaining that Pacey and Audrey "pretty much kicked LA's ass." This is followed by an enormously cheesy shot of Pacey and Audrey sitting in a convertible in front of a blue screen. Stock footage of Los Angeles plays behind them as they bop their heads around.

Cut to Jack. Poor Jack. After a summer of luuuurve, Not So Ambiguously Gay Anymore Eric dumped him. "For someone far younger and prettier than himself. By email, no less," Joey narrates, as the text of said email scans across poor Jack's pretty face and his newly darkened, somewhat spiky hair. The email reads: "Dear Jack, I had so much fun hanging out with you this summer. The beach, the gym, all were special because of you." Apparently, Not So Ambiguously Gay Eric is also no literary giant. According to Joey, Jack eventually got over it and decided to just start sleeping around. She doesn't exactly put it that way, but we're treated to several shots of Jack surreptitiously shooing boys out of the house while Grams is looking the other direction. I think that's what happened, anyway. I was sort of distracted by Kerr's newly buff arms.

Joey continues the never-ending narration, telling us that Jen's parents sat her down in the Hamptons and told her they were getting a divorce. "She was happy," Joey says. "Really, truly, happy. She thought it was the most functional thing her parents had ever done." This prompts a shot of Jen grinning goofily at her parents. Or, rather, the back of the two stand-ins they got to play her parents, as there was no way the Powers That Be were going to pony up the cash for Hope to come back for one second to play Jen's mother. Joey explains that Jen went on to have the best summer of her young life. Blah, blah, blah. Let's get to the action!

And then there was Dawson. Joey gazes moonily at a black and white photo of the Beek (snapped back when he had a full head of hair) before sticking it into the place of honor in her corkboard, all the while simpering that after all the gross kissy-poo action at the airport, she and Dawson didn't talk to each other at all over the summer. "Which is weird, I guess, but at the same time not," she says, explaining that she just never got around to calling him. Well, there's true love for you. "But what Dawson said that night, it definitely rang true. My life is out there waiting for me, I know it is!" Joey says. " And what's really cool is that I have no idea what to expect. But whatever it is, I'm ready for it. I'm excited. Bring it on!" Joey cheers, then smiles cheerfully at her dorm room.

New credits (including Audrey), still singing the same old song.

So, Joey runs to class as an updated version of the theme song from The Mary Tyler Moore Show plays on the soundtrack and I fly into a murderous rage. I don't know what percentage of Dawson's Creek's audience has even seen The Mary Tyler Moore Show, but I've think I've seen nearly every episode, as my mother used to watch it every evening in syndication when I was a little girl. And let me just say that, as far as It goes, Mary Tyler Moore's Mary Richards just spanks Joey Potter. In all honesty, I can't say how much of that is Katie Holmes's fault. It just seems to me that the more the writers try to shove Joey's fantabulousness down the audience's throat, the more I want to vomit. And I used to like Joey -- remember when she smacked that jerk with her lunch tray? That was some It, right there. Anyway. Joey's all running to class and looking at her watch and I presume she's running late. By the way, I'm taking the fact that she's wearing a belt as a shout-out. In her haste, Joey smacks right into a man in shorts and flip-flops, knocking him to the ground. His briefcase goes flying. "You hit hard for a girl," Flip-Flops observes from the ground. "I'm so sorry," Joey says. "I'm late for something." For the record, she sounds more irritated than sorry. "Ever heard of an alarm?" Flip-Flops asks. "I said I was sorry!" Joey snits and stomps off. "Sorry's not going to unbruise my ass, now, is it?" Flip-Flops calls after her. I hear that "Unbruise My Ass" is the name of Toni Braxton's follow-up to "Unbreak My Heart."

Joey races past her most recent victim -- who I guess should just be grateful she didn't decide to serenade him -- and inside the building. She approaches an older woman in an anterior office and apologizes for her lateness. The older woman nods and tells Joey that "he's running a bit late himself." Surprising no one who's ever watched television, like, ever, "he" turns out to be Flip-Flops. I guess he's her advisor. Joey grimaces as he walks past her to get to his desk. "Fudge," she says.

Elsewhere on the Worthington campus, Pacey and Audrey pull up in front of the dorms and sit in the car in silence for a moment. Audrey's cut her hair -- it's just above her shoulders, a little choppy. It's really cute. And I'm certainly not saying that because I have a rather similar 'do. "We should probably wake him up," Audrey says, looking into the backseat. "Do we have to?" Pacey asks. He's got a new look, too -- the hair is curly and sort of mushroom-shaped, but not unattractive. And I like the goatee, although I generally don't go for the facial hair thing. Hey, it's been a long, dry summer. Pacey looks pretty good. They climb out of the car, Audrey expositing that she "grew up to the kid" and that he's not so bad, and his parents really want him to go to Worthington and I have two hours of this to do, so I'll spare you the setup because we all know that the sleeping kid in the backseat whose parents wanted him to go to Worthington is Jack "Stunt Casting Already?" Osbourne. There's some business about how Jack told Pacey that he saw Audrey "nekkid." Audrey looks skeptical. "He's never seen me naked," she says. "Really?" asks the goateeed one. "He knew about the tattoo." At this, Audrey bangs angrily on the roof of the car. "Wake up, you little perv!" she screeches. Jack shoots bolt upright. "Bleep," he says. Blah, blah, blah, he was spying on her with his telescope. Audrey screams that she's going to tell his father. Jack explains that Ozzy took a peek, too. Oh, ew. "Don't worry, he said really good things," Jack adds. Ew, part deux "Okay, then I'm telling your mother and she's going to kick your ass!" Audrey decides. Jack rolls his eyes and gets out of the car. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever," he says, swears a few more times and then leaves. Jack Osbourne: the Olivier of our generation.

Audrey watches him go, then turns and kisses Pacey. "The end is nigh, my dear," she says. "What are you talking about, woman?" he asks. Audrey flails around, whining that "none of the great couples ever make it in the real world! Sid and Nancy, Bonnie and Clyde, Dawson and Joey! How do you ever expect us to have a fighting chance?" Oh, shut up, Audrey. Why don't you just take Daddy's credit card to Cranes, have engraved invitations drawn up and send one to Trouble? It'll be easier than this routine. Pacey rolls his eyes. "Okay, Stella Adler," he says, "what's wrong with you?" Audrey makes some pathetic noises about "the return to dull normalcy" and how watching everyone go through the banal motions of buying books and going to class is enough to make her want to "blow chunks." Pacey wisely ignores her histrionics and merely wonders why she's not heading back to class with the rest of them. Audrey pouts that nothing important ever happens on the first day of class anyway. Except for getting your syllabus and reading assignment so you're prepared for the session. I mean, I'm no stranger to ditching class, but I think it's generally a good idea to attend the first one if you can. Stupid Audrey. She reaches out and plays with Pacey's belt buckle. "Did you have a good summer, Pacey?" she babytalks. He hugs her and reassures her that he had a fantastic summer. He thanks her for introducing him to "[her] LA" and to her father, without whom, he exposits, he "wouldn't have a single job prospect." Apparently he impressed Mr. Liddel. Which bothers Audrey. Because she's rebellious and immature. "I don't want you to turn into some lame nine-to-fiver on me, Pacey," Audrey whines. And suddenly, I want to stab her. People need jobs, kid, and it's the height of rudeness to inform your partner that you don't want him to make a living and pay his bills because you think it's "lame" to be a responsible adult. Pacey seems to agree, as he makes a little face, which he quickly covers up. "Well, I'll try, Miss Liddel," he says, "but I do need a job. And it would be nice to have a little bit of disposable cash for a change." Thank you! Audrey refutes this fact, however, by pointing out that Boston has tons of free stuff to do! And it's especially fun if your Daddy pays your credit card bills! Pacey makes some noise about needing to stand on his own two feet for once. "Because the party can't last forever, baby," he tells her. Audrey pouts. "Blah blah, blah blah blah blah," she says. No, really. Those were the lines. "Will you bring my bags in?" she asks. Pacey agrees. Audrey runs off to do I know not what. Pacey makes a put upon face. Since when is he her valet?

Professor Flip-Flops's office. He pages through a file of some sort and chuckles as Joey takes a seat across from him and looks generally stricken. I sure hope he's laughing at her grades. And can I just say that she's had more troublesome professors in barely over a year of college than I had in four? Thank you. "What?" Joey finally asks petulantly. "I can't believe that you said 'fudge,'" Prof. Flip-Flops chuckles. He's a real jackass. I adore him. Joey sputters that it "just came out." Prof. Flip-Flops snorts that "it's just so silly. Even Doris, [his] secretary, has a harder core version of [his] favorite curse word." Silly Prof. Flip-Flops! Joey would never say a naughty curse word. "Doris is clearly a tough broad," Joey simpers, in a sad attempt to reestablish her It. Flip-Flops -- and that is clearly too benign a nickname for him. I'll have to find a new one. Be patient -- notices that the day is Ms. Potter's Natal Day. She whines that, yes, it is. "Big plans?" Flip-Flops asks. "No," she bitches. What? No parade through the heart of Boston in celebration of Joey Potter's birthday? No celebratory barge trip down the Charles River? How can this be? Surely, this is one of the first signs of an impending Apocalypse. Flip-Flops agrees that Joey doesn't have much to celebrate, seeing as her scholarship barely covers her tuition. But what about the wad of cash Dawson gave her? Was that just for her first -- oh, whatever. I totally don't even care. "Do you have a job? Are you looking for one?" Flip-Flops asks, telling her that they have an opening for a research assistant in the English department. "Are you interested?" he asks. "Sure, maybe," Joey offers weakly. Stupid Joey. Those jobs are practically impossible to get. Flip-Flops reiterates this, telling her that other students would murder each other for the gig. "Think about it," he says. She nods unenthusiastically. Paging through her files, Flip-Flops finds yet another problem: she's enrolled in his class. "It's a little advanced for a sophomore," he says. Joey smiles. "Obviously, you don't know me, Professor [Flip-Flops], because if you did, you'd know that my sophomore status is a total non-issue," she preens. Joey's arrogance: it's what's for dinner. Also, I've just noticed that her hair and her skin are the exact same orange color, one that never occurs in nature. I don't know what Katie Holmes did to the hair and make-up people, but it must have been on a par with killing their mothers and burning down their homes because Joey really doesn't look anywhere near as pretty as I think Katie Holmes actually is. Anyway, she tells Flip-Flops that she's already read most of the books on the reading list. "How about Last Exit to Brooklyn?" Flip-Flops asks. Whoops. Except that one. Flip-Flops cuts a deal: she reads it before the first class meeting and he'll try to forget that she's "just a lowly sophomore." Joey agrees cheerfullythen realizes that the class meets at 3 PM that very day. Flip-Flops raises a brow. "Yeah, what's your point?" he asks. Joey looks at her lap. "Nothing. Forget it," she says. Amateur. Last Exit to Brooklyn is barely 300 pages. It's clearly first thing in the morning (what with the alarm clock reference and because, in the scene, people are eating breakfast), which gives Joey at least 5 hours to read the book. She can get at least half of it, and then read and skim enough of the rest to fake it. It's called "cramming," Princess. Look into it.

But no. No, I am doomed. I am doomed to suffer for all eternity. Instead, Dawson gets up and moves the little hand on the clock, so that it's after midnight. "What are you doing?" she asks. "Cheating," he tells her. "I can't wait anymore." For their lives to be over. He wants to know right now, what will it be: will it be "yes"? Or will it be, "sorry"? I want to go on record as really, really hoping that it's "sorry." Actually, he just wants to present Joey with her birthday gift. Joey is touched. "You're the only one who remembered," she sighs. Joey, you ignorant slut. How many times do I have to tell you that people haven't forgotten your birthday until they've neglected to wish you a happy birthday on your actual birthday? "Yeah, I'm good like that," Dawson says as she opens her present. . It'sa Hollywood Snow Globe. Aw, cheesy, and cheap but sort of cute. I like snow globes. Joey breathes that it's "perfect."

And now I have to look away. Because Dawson is talking about how Joey is like, his inspiration and crap, but all I hear is, "I'm about to have sex with you" and I really just want to die. Shut up! Shut! Up! Cut! Cut! For the love of all that is holy and true, please, please cut the scene now, please! Please, please! Please! Oh, I want to die. Anyway, I guess he's saying something about how she challenges him or some shit and there's all this lovely-dovey staring at each other and could this please end now? "You're with me everywhere I go," Dawson says. "Which is why I can go three months without calling you and still swoop back in expecting a little free booty." Staring. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. A world of ew. A universe of ew. Ew, infinity. "Happy Birthday," Dawson repeats. Joey sets the globe on her bedside table. They hug. He rubs her back creepily. Still hugging. Still hugging. Oh no. God, no. Please, God, no. Tinkly psychotic sex music starts and I have to look away. Katie Holmes looks like she's about to be executed by a firing squad. They gaze. I can't watch. Ew. Ew. Oh, God. Ew. Okay, so they kiss and then they have sex. I can't get into the details. I just can't. Please don't make me. Please, please, don't make me. Whatever I did to deserve this, I'm so sorry. Oh, God, why me? Why? Whhhhhhhhhhhhhhy? Oh, God, his hands are everywhere on her! AND I CAN'T FIND THE REMOTE! My eyes! My EYES! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Thus ends part one.