Previously on Dawson's Creek: Dawson made plans to meet with an agent in New York to pitch Charlie and His Giant Tool; Audrey and Pacey decided to go steady; the purity of Joey's saintly aura burned the sin right out of Charlie's body, and the two of them spent the night together in Florida without doing anything so crass as having sex.
It's morning as we open, and Audrey trudges down the incredibly fancy hallway of her dorm building towards her room. She's got a bag with her, so I'm assuming she spent the night with Pacey or else what follows makes no sense. Where she spent the night with Pacey, I have no idea. Anyway, she gets to her room and discovers a scrunchie on the door. She looks confused for a moment, wondering if perhaps she took a wrong turn and ended up back on Undeclared. Then she smirks in recognition.
Inside, Joey and Charlie are lying in bed together. Oh, and they're fully clothed. I don't believe for a minute that the two of them did anything at all. The show hasn't even been on for ten whole seconds and already my intelligence has been insulted. Joey wakes up and Charlie greets her, asking if she slept well. Joey whines that Charlie talked in his sleep and hogged all the covers, even though Charlie is lying on top of the bed while Joey is nestled under the comforter. Charlie counters that Joey drools in her sleep. Dear future boyfriends and/or one-night stands: if I ever try to have one of these fake cutesy conversations with you the morning after, you have my permission to smother me with a pillow. Joey tells Charlie that if he ever tells anybody that she drools in her sleep, she'll tell everybody about how he talked in his sleep about his mom taking away his Barbie dolls. Charlie tries to deny it to no avail. Joey non-sequiturs into a lengthy explanation that she enjoys spending time with Charlie because he doesn't know everything about her past because he didn't grow up with her, so she enjoys "living without the weight of eighteen years of expectations." That means that she has somebody new she can play the dead-mom card with to get her own way all the time. The Barbie doll thing comes up again, and Charlie tries to justify it by saying how hot Barbie looked naked. She doesn't have any genitals! Freak. Their bickering turns into a pillow fight. I staple my eyelids to my forehead to stay awake.
Credits. "I don't want to wait! For this show to be over! I want to know right now if I can sleep!" Enjoy those images of Michelle and Kerr; that's the only place you'll be seeing them tonight.
When we return from commercials, Pacey and Audrey are arriving at Civilization, bickering about whether or not a memo the two of them had received indicating that the restaurant had been sold and Chef Danny had left was true. Pacey is certain it's not true because he's sure Danny would have told him something before they left for Spring Break. You know, there are better ways to handle exposition than to have Pacey act like an absolute idiot. They got a memo explaining this. It's not like Audrey consulted a Ouija Board for details or read it in her horoscope. Audrey teases Pacey about his "boy crush" over Danny, while Pacey denies vehemently that Danny would just leave and won't consider that the new owners would fire him. Audrey further exposits that the memo explains that the restaurant was purchased by some business conglomerate who wants to turn it into a chain. Incidentally, there doesn't appear to be anybody there besides them. Audrey finds another memo on a counter explaining that there's a staff meeting this afternoon with the new manager. The absolute excitement of a subplot over changes in corporate management has made me totally forget that whole boring unresolved storyline from last episode where Jack got drunk, nearly killed himself, and told Dawson that he's screwed up his life. Who wants to see any of that when we can have a plot about what it's like to work at Applebee's?
Worthington College for Saints in Training. Charlie comes running up to Joey just as she's leaving some building, prompting Joey to ask him if he doesn't have classes at his own university. More banter ensues about how long Charlie was waiting for Joey to come out of class. We get it. Charlie's whipped. Joey has tamed the wild Charlie with the power of her "it." Charlie has some good news for Joey. As they walk across the courtyard, he asks her if she's ever heard of a band called "Lust to Love." They're a tribute band for The Go-Gos. Joey asks incredulously, "There are people who want to relive The Go-Gos?" Oh, excuse me, Mrs. Rick Springfield, but we do not talk smack about The Go-Gos. Also, your hair looks like ass. Also, why are you wearing your bathrobe outdoors? Also, your singing sucks. Also, shut up. Charlie tepidly defends The Go-Gos, then explains that his band is teaming up with Lust to Love for a ten-city "tour." Yeah, whatever. Two shitty college cover bands have managed to put together a tour without even being signed by a label. I had a friend in an actual band that plays original music and has managed to produce three CDs and get signed to a small label, and they still haven't managed to arrange anything resembling a tour. So whatever. Charlie tosses out some generic music terminology that the writer saw while skimming an issue of Alternative Press. Joey congratulates him and asks him if the tour is this summer. Nope. It starts Monday. After Joey points out that it's the middle of the semester, Charlie explains that he'll take some incompletes and make things up year, "unless [they] hit it big." Joey politely waits for the universe to stop laughing at Charlie before telling him that it sounds like he's got everything figured out.
But wait, there's more! Charlie wants Joey to come with him and be his private groupie. Wow, it turns out Jack was right when he called Charlie a "dumb guy with a dream" at the beginning of the season. Joey points out that going to college at Worthington is her dream, and she's enjoying herself here, and is he on crack or what? Charlie asks if she's saying that he shouldn't go. A slightly confused Joey say that she's saying only that she shouldn't go. Charlie goes on to explain that this "thing between them" has just gotten started and it took "forever" for Joey to consider him. It took, what, two episodes? If he had seen Joey's romances, he'd count his blessings. Charlie concludes that he doesn't want what they have to end just yet. It's a ten-city tour, not a tour of duty. It shouldn't take any longer than three weeks. Joey points out that he's not leaving right now, smiles, and drags him off, telling him, "It's not over yet."
In the attic of the Ryan Home for Invisible Supporting Characters, Dawson gathers some paperwork together while Pander sits in a chair. They've rescheduled their meeting with the agent in New York, which they had blown off to go meet with Joey down in Florida during Spring Break. They discuss how they should handle the meeting and what they should say to the agent. Pander suggests that he do most of the talking rather than Dawson. Dawson asks why. Pander explains that Dawson is too boring and technical. Pander thinks -- in defiance of all evidence to the contrary -- that he's the people person of the team, claiming that he "shines" in meetings. Or at least, the practice meetings he has with family members. Dawson looks vaguely horrified. Pander tells him to stop worrying so much about the meeting. Dawson exposits that they've shopped the movie around to sixty agents, and this guy is the only one who responded. Pander blathers on and on about how talented they are. I stick my feet into boiling water to stay awake. He continues to blather that the key is presentation. Dawson warily asks him what he means. Pander's brilliant idea is for the two of them to show up at the office wearing matching suits, just like Tom Cruise and Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man. God, Pander's such a moron. See, the writers have figured out another way to make Dawson seem likeable and talented without having everybody around him constantly tell him how likeable and talented he is. They gave him this obnoxious howler monkey of a sidekick to make Dawson seem thoughtful and considerate by comparison. It's almost working, too. That's the scary part. Dawson vetoes Pander's ridiculous plan.
Back in Joey and Audrey's insanely huge dorm room, Audrey is incredulous that Charlie asked Joey to drop everything to go on tour with him. Audrey's further amused that Charlie would give up his lothario ways just for Joey. Audrey doesn't quite understand the "it." Joey explains that Charlie is currently downstairs buying them refreshments from the vending machines; he wants to spend as much time with Joey as he can before he has to leave. It's a ten-city tour. Ten. Cities. He hasn't joined 'N Sync. He's not crisscrossing the country. It's ten cities. Audrey doesn't see what the big deal is. She thinks it's romantic. Joey whines that their relationship has skipped several steps (like, you know, relations) and is freaked out at the possibility that Charlie might decide to ditch the tour just to spend time with her. Audrey doesn't think that's likely and tells Joey that she's overreacting, and if she isn't, the worst that will happen is that she'll hurt Charlie's feelings. Audrey heads out to meet Pacey to go to Civilization together for the meeting with the new boss. She runs into Charlie on the way out, holding bags of snacks and some generic sodas.
A brief glimpse of the Boston skyline serves to indicate a shift in time, as we cut to Pacey and Audrey arriving at Civilization for the meeting. Audrey tells Pacey, "If there is 'flair' involved, I just want you to know I'm quitting." But Audrey, you're the only flair this show has left. For those of you who haven't seen Office Space, "flair" refers to all those stupid buttons and bangles and whatever that the servers at crappy chain restaurants have to wear. Pacey hasn't been able to reach Danny. His answering machine said something about being in New York. Poor Pacey. Danny's gone, and they never even got to have goodbye sex.
Their discussion is interrupted by the arrival of Audrey Horne. And how annoying is it that I can't continue to call Sherilyn Fenn's character Audrey because there's already a character called Audrey on this show? Maybe I should call her Harley, after the naughty villainess she's going to be playing in the upcoming Birds of Prey based-on-the-comic-book television series. Or perhaps I should just call her Alex Pearl, because that is her name in this role. Fine. I'll be boring. This episode is, after all. Anyway, Sherilyn's hair is awful. It looks like she's wearing a beanie made of hair with a long ponytail clipped to the back. Her eyebrows have been tweezed to within a millimeter of their lives. Her nostrils stick directly out of her face at a ninety-degree angle. You can see up them even when she's looking directly at you. It just screams "nose job," but I can't actually say that with any level of certainty. She introduces herself to the gathered staff and exposits that she's the new restaurant manager. The old owner and Danny have indeed gone off to greener pastures. Alex explains that the new owners really like Civilization and hope to open several restaurants just like it.
Pacey interrupts her to ask if that means they're becoming a chain. Alex tries to clarify that with a lengthy explanation that essentially means, "Yes, we're becoming a chain." She asks if Pacey has some sort of problem with that. Pacey mutters that he has a problem with "people being forced out of things they built with their own two hands." Alex assures him that nobody was forced out of anything and adds that those who left profited from the sale: "After all, that is why people get into the restaurant business." Pacey asks cynically, "Why, to make money?" Alex responds affirmatively. Pacey looks at her like she's a big tool. I had forgotten that whole story arc where Pacey spent years studying at a culinary institute and summered in France at the feet of the masters to learn the secrets of haute cuisine and has therefore earned the right to judge the motives of restaurateurs. Oh no, wait, he had this job handed to him with almost no professional experience, treated it like it was some sort of disposable hobby, and was spoiled rotten by Chef Danny. Shut up, Pacey.
Alex goes on to explain that they're going to be making some changes, while Pacey looks around at the staff like, "Can you believe this chick?" She gives them the bad news that some people will be let go. Pacey blurts out, "Some of us?" like Alex is out of her mind. Alex asks Pacey if he's been elected to speak for the whole staff or something. Pacey shoots back that he didn't realize that they needed to be "allowed" to speak. Calm down, Spartacus. Nobody's pulled out the whips and chains or anything. Alex says everybody will be allowed to speak at one-on-one interviews she'll be having with the staffers throughout the evening. She adds that the staff should take the time to familiarize themselves with the new employee's manual. Audrey whines to Pacey that Alex just sucked all the fun out of the job. Alex concludes that anybody let go shouldn't take it personally; it's just that "some personalities just don't mesh." Whatever. Alex wanders off to chat with some staffers. Audrey calls Alex "the Devil," and worries that Pacey just made a really bad impression on her. Pacey tells her that they'll worry about it after the dinner rush. They start to leave, but Alex comes over to pounce (metaphorically, for now) on Pacey. She already knows who he is. She apologizes to him for coming off as a little harsh and tells him that he's first on her list to be interviewed. She calls him into her office, while he and Audrey share concerned looks. I insert hot needles under my fingernails to stay awake.
Commercials. I thought I couldn't hate Cingular's ad campaign more than I already do, but then they forced Spider-Man to hawk their cell phones. I hate them so much.
When we return, Alex is escorting Pacey into her office. Alex tries to reassure Pacey that "it's not the end of the world," but Pacey says he knows he's going to be fired. Alex sits at her desk and observes, "You don't like authority much, do you?" Pacey admits that he doesn't. Alex points out that he liked Danny. Pacey says that Danny taught him everything he knows. Alex: "Including your attitude?" Pacey: "Most especially my attitude." Whatever. Pacey's anti-authoritarian streak was established practically in the very first episode. Danny merely thought it was cute and tolerated it. It turns out that Alex doesn't want to fire Pacey after all. She wants to promote him. Into Danny's position. As head chef. No, really. I didn't make that up. After six months of experience in a restaurant, Pacey is offered the position as head chef. Given that hundreds of people show up to see Dawson's student film, cover bands go on tours, and drug-dealing muggers fall instantly in love with Joey, I guess this is a universe where this ridiculous nonsense is possible. Maybe week, Pacey will compete on Iron Chef, and Dawson's film will be nominated for an Oscar. Alex claims that it's only temporary until they can hire somebody, but you just know that's not going to happen. Pacey at least has the humility to point out that he doesn't have enough experience for this position, but Alex dismisses his concerns by telling him he just has to "preserve the status quo." Thousands of chefs roll their eyes, or they would if they weren't too busy working to watch the show. Pacey accepts the promotion.
Back in the dorms, Joey is studying on her bed while Charlie reads a guitar magazine while sitting on the floor. Charlie asks Joey to stop for a moment so they can talk. He explains that things didn't go the way he expected earlier this morning when he asked her to come on tour with him. God, he's dumb. Anyway, he says he's wondering whether he should back out of the tour and stay in school -- and near Joey. He says that he's sure that other opportunities are bound to come up. Joey looks concerned, but Charlie leans over and kisses her. He says the two of them can have fun together and even start their own band. Ew, wouldn't that be awful? Joey tries to say something negative, but Charlie kisses her again. Joey blurts out, "I don't think this a good idea anymore." Charlie says he understands why Joey might not trust him, but he wants to prove himself to her. The "it" has tamed him. The "it" has him in its thrall. He'll never sin again just to be in the presence of the "it." Joey tries to say something negative again, but Charlie interrupts her with another kiss. Then he tells her, "We are going to be great together, Joey. You and me. I know this is the right decision." Then he grabs his coat and runs out, promising to see her later. Joey looks concerned, then drops her face into her hands.
It's the Empire State Building, so we know we must be in New York. Pander and Dawson sit in the reception area waiting to meet with the one agent willing to give the two of them the time of day. Dawson worries about last-minute strategizing, but Pander's too busy whining about the agent going on a power trip by making him wait and thinking that the receptionist is making goo-goo eyes at him. I reach through the screen, hook my fingers into Pander's nostrils, then pull forward quickly, slamming his face into the glass of my television in the hopes of shutting him up. It doesn't work. He continues to blather on about whether he should ask the receptionist out. After some unfunny nonsense about long-distance relationships and some annoyed stares from Dawson, he decides not to ask her out until they leave. Dawson hangs his head. I breathe on a mirror to make sure I'm still alive. I actually hope that I'm dead, because then I'm pretty sure I can stop recapping, but sadly, I'm not.
Back at the restaurant, Pacey is in the kitchen slicing tomatoes. Audrey sulks in, looking crestfallen. Pacey, of course, is singing a new tune now that he's top dog in the kitchen. He tells her that things are going to be fine -- Alex is just "putting up a tough front" to make people respect her. Audrey informs Pacey that he's going to have to find out whether that's true on his own. Audrey's been let go. Pacey doesn't believe her at first. Finally it sinks in and Pacey promises to be all fixie-fixie and help Audrey get her job back. He tells Audrey that he'll talk to Alex and promises to set things right by tomorrow afternoon.
We cut to a close-up of a mouth talking on a headset phone, and for one brief moment, I'm seized with the horror that they're going to throw a Ben Stiller parody of an agent at me. Not that Stiller's parody is bad, but it's rather dated now, and nobody on this show can even hope to match the writing. But no, this agent that Pander and Dawson are meeting is so normal and polite that it's terribly disconcerting, given this show's record. He's like the Tom Frost of this season, and is by far the most likeable person in this whole subplot. An agent. He ends his call and apologizes to Dawson and Pander for making them wait. He joins them over in the open conference area of his office and introduces himself as Andrew Waller.
Pander immediately puts a foot in his mouth by mocking the quality of a movie featured on a poster on a nearby wall. Of course, the agent was responsible for packaging the deal to get the movie made. Why is this guy in New York? Wouldn't he be in Los Angeles? Literary agents are in New York, sure. Oh, what do I know? Anyway, the movie title is Thirst for Vengence, and yes, that's a big old [sic] regarding the spelling of the last word in the title there. Idiots. Maybe Pander's just mocking the typo, but I don't think so. Dawson tries to cover Pander's gaffe by bringing up the director, but Pander plows over him and says that "Bazooka comics have more depth" than the movie's script. Andrew looks slightly bemused, no doubt imagining the many ways in which Hollywood is going to chew Pander up and spit him out into itty-bitty pieces. He recognizes that Pander is the writer and Dawson is the director. Dawson blathers on a bit about how well he and Pander work together: Pander has the big visions, and Dawson reins him in based on what they can actually produce on film. Andrew takes time out to slather praise over their student film. Whatever. Just the brief glimpses I saw of it made me roll my eyes.
Andrew tries to bring up the reason why he wanted to meet with them, but Pander just goes off in ridiculous fashion. He tells Andrew that they don't have a lot of time because they're meeting with some other more artsy production companies, "not that [they're] opposed to compromising [their] artistic integrity for a couple-a-hundred bucks." He blathers on forever about how Hollywood is always looking for young talent like Dawson and Pander and talks about the origin of the phrase "cut to the chase" and it all goes on and on and on. If Dawson stood up right now and bitch-slapped Pander, I would never say anything bad about him ever again. Of course, I know that he doesn't, so I can get away with making promises like that. After Pander finally shuts up, Andrew asks Dawson if Pander is on drugs. Heh. I like Andrew. Go Andrew! Dawson tries to gloss over Pander's behavior as "eccentric" and says they don't want to waste any of his time. Andrew, then, decides that's his cue to show the two of them the door. He shakes their hands and thanks them for coming in. He gives them the "We'll be in touch" brush-off as they leave.
Back at the dorms, Joey is freaking out over the Charlie situation to a mostly uninterested Audrey. Joey claims that she's a "horrible person" for what's going on with Charlie, though Audrey insists that she's not. I think she's just stupid for not having enough of a spine to stop Charlie from trying to change the rules of their little fling regardless of whether she wants it or not. Joey whines, "I suck these boys into my web, and then I make them give up their dreams until they're sad and dreamless and living in Boston." Oh, please. Joey's now under the influence of her own "it." Who has given up his dreams for Joey? Dawson, who's in the middle of a meeting with an agent over his student film? Pacey, who was just promoted to head chef of a fancy restaurant? Call maintenance to bring you a ladder to get over yourself, Little Miss It Girl. If you sucked any more, you'd turn yourself inside out. After telling Joey to quit pacing, Audrey suggests that Joey tell Charlie to go on the damned tour. Joey explains that she tried, but it didn't work. Audrey asks if there was kissing involved. Joey admits that there was. Audrey then realizes that the problem is that Joey lacks the spine to cut Charlie loose. Joey whines that she doesn't want to hurt Charlie's feelings, but that she doesn't want a boyfriend right now because there are only a couple of episodes left this season to fling her back into Dawson's arms. She certainly doesn't want Charlie changing his life just for her. Audrey concludes that the situation is much worse than she imagined and slumps down onto the bed. Joey looks concerned. I start peeling strips of skin off my forearms to stay awake.
We return after a commercial break to the dinner rush at Civilization. Alex wanders around doing management things, and walks into the kitchen to complain to Pacey that three tables are waiting for their food. That doesn't sound like much of a crisis to me. Pacey moves her out of the way of the kitchen traffic to ask her what she needs. Alex wants to know how many lobsters they served this evening because she thinks they're ordering too many. Well, lobsters keep, don't they? The whole thing about lobsters is that you keep them alive until you cook them, right? Pacey admits that they do order too many, but Danny had arranged some sort of special deal with their vendor. Alex doesn't want Pacey clinging to Danny's old habits and brings up the whole "changes" issue again. Pacey tries to use that as an opportunity to bring up Audrey's firing. After explaining which one Audrey was to refresh Alex's memory, Pacey lies that Audrey is a great waitress. Alex asks if Pacey has some sort of special interest in Audrey, and he admits the two of them are dating. Just then, Contrivance runs through the kitchen and knocks Alex into Pacey's arms as he passes by. I bet you guys always wondered what he looked like. Anyway, Alex smirks and shifts her eyes and all but gives out a Homer Simpson drool sound at the prospect of being so close to Pacey's manly loins. They separate after a second, and Alex goes back into business mode, telling Pacey that now is not the time to talk about Audrey and to come see her later.
Back in New York, Dawson and Pander are walking through a parking garage. Dawson asks Pander if he even understands how much of an idiot he was in the meeting. Pander is willing to allow that he got "a little carried away." Dawson yells at Pander for trying to make them look more experienced and in demand than they are. Pander claims that he was just trying to keep the conversation going. By interrupting the conversation they were having? Shut up, nitwit. Dawson points out that Pander made an idiot of himself by criticizing the movie Andrew helped put together. Pander obliviously promises the "full Hollywood brownnose treatment" time. Dawson points out, as they reach his Jeep, that Andrew is never going to meet with them again. Pander blathers on and on about how this is just the tip of the iceberg and that there are all these other agents out there that will see them for the cinematic geniuses that they are. Dawson points out that none of the other agents will even return their calls. Pander goes on and on about how great they are, and that their movie will be even better, and that they're a team, like the Coen brothers or the Hughes brothers. These two aren't even good enough to be Wayans brothers.
Dawson spits out, "We've made one film together, Oliver. One film. And after today, I'm starting to think that this whole partnership is a just a bad idea." Pander's all, "Are you breaking up with me?" Dawson backs down and says he doesn't really want to end the partnership, but he really wanted the meeting to end a lot better than it did. Pander responds that they'll go back to making movies and then they'll do better the time they have a chance to get an agent. Dawson throws a big old hissyfit and shrieks that this was their chance and Pander ruined it. Whatever. I'm all for recognizing an opportunity when it comes around and not squandering it, but I really don't believe in the whole "chance of a lifetime" thing. If you're good at what you do, another chance will come along. If only one person in the whole wide world will even consider your work, then I would take that as an indication that it's not very good. Pander gets pissy in return and sarcastically apologizes for being overly optimistic about their future. Dawson accuses Pander of being naïve. Pander responds, "I'm naïve? Mr. Let's Drive All the Way to Florida to Film My Romantic Destiny?" That was your idea, you addlebrained human air-raid siren. Pander grabs his bag and stomps off, telling Dawson he's going to take the train back. Nobody cares.
Peachpit After Dark. Charlie's band is singing "I Wanna Be Sedated." What did Joey Ramone ever do to this show to be treated this way? And if the singer wants to be sedated, he should just watch this episode. Joey and Audrey watch from the crowd. I guess she's not singing with them anymore. I'd complain about the continuity, but I'm just too grateful. Joey and Audrey go find a table so Joey can complain that she doesn't even know how to have a fling properly. Well, she doesn't know how to get mugged properly, or how to sing properly, or often how to dress properly, either, so why should we be surprised? Audrey tells her that everything will be fixed as soon as Joey dumps Charlie. Joey pretends that she doesn't know how to break somebody's heart. Oh good god. Just behave the way you normally do, and your neurotic passive-aggressive behavior will take care of it after a while. Really, if Joey wants to break up with Charlie, she should just keep dating him, and her erratic behavior will drive him away within a month.
Pacey comes along to join the two of them. Audrey asks Pacey if he got her rehired. Pacey explains that they were too busy, but promises that he'll get to it. Joey asks what the new boss is like. For some reason they both start arguing over whether or not she's attractive. Audrey says she's attractive "as far as older women are concerned." Pacey chuckles that she's not that much older. Audrey points out that she's older than all of them, but concludes that she's younger then Grams. Isn't this exciting? Charlie's band ends its set, and Pacey asks Joey and Audrey what's going on tonight. Audrey sings the whole "Ballad of Joey and Charlie and Their Stupid, Boring Fling." You already know the lyrics, so I'm just going to cut the song off right now. Audrey says they're there to offer their moral support with the whole dumping plan.
Suddenly Audrey comes up with some sort of idea and tells them to let her handle Charlie. Before she can explain anything more, Charlie comes by to join them. He sits down and tells Joey that he has officially quit the band. Audrey responds by telling Joey angrily that she will no longer be made a fool of. Joey looks at her in confusion. Audrey goes on to melodramatically accuse Joey of sleeping with Pacey for the last three months. Joey and Pacey both respond with an incredulous, "What?" Really, the idea of those two together? Ridiculous. Audrey goes on and on about this alleged affair, and if you close your eyes, she sounds just like Phoebe on Friends. Charlie doesn't understand what's going on. Neither does Pacey. Neither does Joey. Audrey accuses Joey of still having feelings for Pacey and being jealous of their relationship and blah blah blah, Jerry Springer-cakes. When Joey denies all of this, Audrey stands up and insists that Joey would fight her for Pacey. Joey -- and everybody else -- is still confused. Audrey punches Joey in the shoulder and calls her a slut. Joey stands up and calls Audrey a hussy and gives her a punch in the shoulder in response. The two of them have this silly, stupid arm-pinwheeling catfight, while the other bar patrons watch in amusement from the background. Pacey gets up and tries to separate them, and suddenly Joey is slapping him around too. I think Joey has gotten into this a little too much. Charlie gets up and pulls Joey away from Pacey and Audrey and suggests that Audrey needs her medication. Pacey suggests that both women have gone crazy. Charlie still hasn't a clue as to what the heck is going on. Pacey asks "Lucy" and "Ethel" to explain what the deal is. Joey looks at them all, then says it was nothing and that everything's fine. The two couples go their separate ways.
Charlie brings Joey over to the bar to ask what's going on and if she's really getting back together with Pacey. Joey says that she's not. She tells Charlie that she was trying to convince him not to stay. Charlie responds, "Okay, so that would involve me leaving." Maybe Joey needs to use hand puppets for this conversation. She tells him that she doesn't want him to give up a chance to pursue a dream in order to stay with her. Charlie finally gets the hint that she's not interested in a relationship with him and tells her that she went through a lot of effort just to dump him. Well she already tried to dump you once this episode but you wouldn't listen. Joey asks if anything less dramatic would have worked, and Charlie admits that it probably wouldn't have. Because, well, we were there and it didn't. Joey points out that Charlie wouldn't even consider backing out of the tour if he weren't involved with her. She adds that she doesn't want him to miss out on a "the greatest opportunity of [his] life just because a girl asked him to." It's a TEN-CITY tour with a COVER BAND! TEN! CITIES! COVER! BAND! GOD! Charlie mutters that Joey never actually did ask him to stay, and sulks off into the commercial break.
We return to find Dawson sulking in a stairwell that leads to the parking garage. Andrew comes down and is surprised to see Dawson still hanging around. Dawson's there to beg Andrew for another chance. He tells Andrew that he knows that they might look like a bad risk, but they're really a good bet: "I want this like I've never wanted anything. This has been the hardest year of my life, and I've screwed a lot of things up, but I'm not gonna screw this up." After confirming that Dawson is merely nineteen, Andrew asks, "And life really feels this desperate?" Dawson responds, "Life is desperate. Life is chances that you never get back." And that's why Dawson isn't going to leave until Andrew gives him another chance. So Andrew calls security and has Dawson escorted from the building. Oh wait, that's what should happen. Instead, Andrew says, "You're not faking it are you? The desperation? The torment? It's good stuff, that teenage crap. It's the one thing you can't fake as you get older." And in the most amusing accidental meta-joke I've seen in some time, the camera cuts back to Dawson, where James Van Der Beek has absolutely no expression on his face. There's no sign of any desperation, or torment, or passion of any type. Nothing. He's making a mental note to get his car washed on the way home from the studio later. Andrew caves to the power of Dawson's "it," dammit, and tells him to send him his project while he makes some calls and "put[s] some feelers" out to see if anybody is interested in his current film. Andrew says he doesn't make any promises, but they shake on it, and Dawson now has representation. I stick my tongue into an electric socket to keep myself awake.
Night passes. Back at the dorms, Joey and Audrey are awakened in the morning to the sound of somebody singing "I Want You to Want Me" while playing a guitar. They stumble over to their window and open it up to find Charlie, of course, serenading them from the sidewalk outside. Then other students start screaming out their windows for him to shut the hell up, and then campus security escorts him away. No, again, that's what should happen. Audrey asks if Charlie could be any cuter. Joey points out that he could be more in tune, as if she didn't send the concept of "being in tune" scurrying to the bathroom to put in earplugs every time she opened her mouth in song. Audrey points out that it's like As Good As it Gets where Jack Nicholson said that Helen Hunt "makes [him] want to be a better man." I find that amusing because months ago I mentioned to somebody or other that if Katie Holmes wasn't careful, she was going to end up with Helen Hunt's career. Joey snarks that we'd be better off if Charlie wanted to become a better guitar player. Audrey calls Joey the "Queen of Negativity." Excuse me? We're the queens of negativity around here. Even the guys. Especially the guys.
Joey finally comes out to talk to Charlie before somebody gets the chance to throw a bucket of water on him. They banter a bit, but I'm bored and this is almost over, so whatever. Charlie has rejoined with the band and is going to go tour. Joey's glad that he's going. Charlie says, "I may never be as smart as you, but I will be a person of substance. And on that day, I just may have to come looking for you." Oh, Charlie. You'll never be a person of substance. Why should you be any different from anybody else on this show? Joey smiles and shows Charlie her pearly browns, telling him she'd like that. They banter some more about chasing dreams and romances and shit and it's very tiresome. Charlie finally shuts Joey up with a kiss. Alanis Morissette starts singing that song with the lyrics that allruntogether longaftertheyshould havestoppedsothatyou can'tunderstandthem. Charlie tells Joey that he had a good time. Joey agrees that she did, too. Charlie says it's time for him to ride off into the sunset. Joey points out that it's actually sunrise. Just go, already. I'm so very tired. They kiss one more time. Joey tells him to take care of himself. He grabs his guitar and walks off. Joey does her close-mouthed smile of wisdom gained, or whatever.
Alanis continues to sing us into a cut to Civilization, where Pacey decides now is a good time to talk to Alex about Audrey. He knocks on the door to her office. Alex thought everybody had gone home. Did they both pull all-nighters? Why? Whatever. Pacey brings up Audrey again. Alex remembers and explains, "Last hired, first fired." Pacey responds, "So I guess the new regime governs by adage?" As opposed to a "Who's sleeping with whom" policy? Shut up, Pacey. Alex says something incomprehensible about business school and then asks for Pacey's help hanging up a diploma or something. Then she changes her mind because she knows she's only contracted for the rest of the season. Actually she worries that it would be bad luck and says, "In this economy, everything is temporary." God, I wish the economy were actually that good. Pacey asks again for Alex to give Audrey one more chance. She asks him how old he is. When she hears that he's nineteen, she says she thought he was actually older than that, then asks him if that's a little young to be settling down. They're dating, not engaged. Jeez. Pacey points out that he wouldn't exactly call himself "settled." Alex says it's a shame that there are no "adorable, single men left in this town." Well, now that Charlie's been fixed, maybe she can have him. Pacey brings things back to Audrey. Alex says she thinks she can work something out as she fondles Pacey's collar. Then she says, "After all, we both want the same thing, don't we?" and immediately grabs Pacey by the head and kisses him. Joshua Jackson is like a foot-and-a-half taller than Sherilyn Fenn, so she practically has to climb up him with hiking gear to lay on the wet one. Pacey pushes her away after a moment, and politely says that he thinks they must have gotten their "wires crossed." Alex says she didn't feel that way. Pacey insists that they did and says he should go. Alex shrugs, "It's your decision." Pacey flees.