Downtown Crossing

Last week: Joey threw a snowball at a sign.

Post-snowball. Joey skips down the deserted Boston street, humming "Close To You," the classic Carpenters tune. I love the Carpenters. Seriously, I do. Karen Carpenter's voice is really beautiful. Also, that Movie of the Week about all the anorexia and whatnot rocked. Although, in retrospect, Katie Holmes probably weighs less than the girl who played Karen Carpenter in that movie, seeing as television actresses have gotten much thinner in the last ten years. Anyway. Joey skips past the bank and then stops, turns, and scampers inside the ATM vestibule. She's so happy! Nothing could ever go wrong with her, ever! She's all punching numbers into the ATM and humming and glowing and, whilst waiting for the machine to spit out her cash, whips out her cell phone and dials Creepy's number. "Hi, Professor [Creepy]?" she opens, all toothily grinning. She giggles. "Okay, David, then. That feels weird. So, I'm done here. Is it okay if I still stop by?" She's giggling and twirling her hair and simpering and booty-calling and some dude outside rattles the door and she doesn't even notice. Joey murmurs that she's "just about to get on the T," and she'll be at his place "in a bit." She chirps a cheerful goodbye and disconnects. She removes the cash and the card and leaves the ATM, still singing "Close To You." As she shuffles down the sidewalk, Mr. Mugger trails her from the other side of the street. Joey is oblivious. Where was she during, um, every year of her life? How many times was I taught to look alive while walking down a deserted street in the middle of the night? Seriously, looking alert and confident can help protect you, because muggers and the like tend to target people who look as though they can be taken by surprise. Or so I learned from Ms. Giamo in Health class, 1992. On the other side of the street, Mr. Mugger lights a cigarette in profile, all Cigarette Smoking Man-style, like, don't I get enough of that recapping The X-Files? Maybe aliens will kidnap Joey, remove her ova, kill her sister, give her cancer, impregnate her, and then send her boyfriend off into the night with no explanation whatsoever.

Mr. Mugger crosses the street and walks right behind Joey for a minute. She doesn't speed up, take her pepper-spray out of her purse, or even give him the stink-eye. In fact, she doesn't even notice him until he pops up in front of her. People, please be alert while walking alone! The Ominous Piano Of Impending Tragedy tinkles in the background. "Hey!" Mr. Mugger says. "Hey," Joey replies warily. Mr. Mugger didn't mean to scare her, he says. "Where you heading?" he asks. Instead of saying, "To my boyfriend Bubba's house. He just got out of prison and he's expecting me any minute," Joey says she's going home. "Where's home?" Mr. Mugger asks. "None of your business," Joey says, trying to move around him. Mr. Mugger dubs this response "snotty," and informs Joey that he's not going to mug her or "force [himself] on her." Joey weakly rolls her eyes. "Good to know," she says, making another attempt to walk around him. He scampers along, telling her that she doesn't need to "look so relieved, because as far as potential rapists go" Yeah, because everyone knows that if you have to get raped, better cross your fingers that the perp is a hottie. God! What the hell kind of line is that? That's completely disgusting. Joey doesn't point this out, or start running and screaming, but just says that she doesn't "mean to be rude," because God knows the last thing you want to be is RUDE to your potential MUGGER and/or RAPIST. In fact, it's considered polite to lay in a store of nice stationery so you can write them a thank-you note after you get out of the hospital! Holy. Crap. Three minutes in and I'm already all infuriated. Mr. Mugger is all, do you have any money I could borrow? "No," Joey grits, and tries, again, to go. "No? You're not even going to think about it?" Mr. Mugger asks. "I thought about it and I said no," Joey says quickly, as Mr. Mugger plants himself in front of her once again. Um, last time I checked, I heard that most experts think you ought to give a mugger your money if it comes to that. And Joey? TWENTY BUCKS. Cough it up and live to see another day. I hate this show. Mr. Mugger angles front of her again. "See?" he begins, "This is the problem with the world. You put yourself out there, you make yourself vulnerable and they shoot you down without a second thought." The Mugger? Supposed to be all snarky, and, like, charming and self-deprecating or something. But MUGGERS ARE NOT CHARMING. By definition! This show is the work of the devil. "Listen, I don't have any money, okay?" Joey lies, skirting around him. Joey, just give him the twenty. What is wrong with you? "Now, you're scaring me and I just want to get home," she says, again neglecting to tell him that someone is waiting for her, which wouldn't even be a lie. Because Professor Creepy is! Mr. Mugger shoves her softly. "Fair enough," he says. "Sorry to have asked. Want me to walk you home?" He smiles. Not in a friendly way. Joey shoots him down. "Well, that's understandable," Mr. Mugger says, "but you should be careful, sweetheart. I mean, it's late. guy you come across, he might not be as nice as me." He gestures like he's letting her go, then thinks better of it and grabs her arm. "Actually, you know what? I've given it some thought, and I'd rather if you did loan me that money," he says, lifting his shirt to reveal the gun tucked into his waistband. "How's that work for you?" he asks. Joey blinks.

Cue Very Special Credits, complete with Stormy Sky Background and Melancholy Non-Paula-Cole Music Of Crying And Learning. Whatever, Very Special Credits.

Did you know that this episode of Dawson's Creek is sponsored by Verizon Wireless? That's important, so make a note. Also, Verizon provided a fairly amusing commercial in this post-credits ad space, which I will briefly recap for you (as requested by some people on the forums). You know those Verizon commercials where the dude is walking through, like, the tundra or some shit, and he's all, "Can you hear me now?" and the point is that Verizon has really good reception? It's that guy, on the dock. Dawson's dock. "Can you hear me now?" he asks. , he's doing the CYHMN? thing, standing in the rowboat in the creek. Yeah, that row boat. That creek. That's actually a pretty clever marketing idea, and I wonder if Verizon is doing it for other shows. Like, calling from The Bronze for Buffy, or Trauma Two for ER.

Back to Stupid, Stupid Joey and Her "Charming" Mugger. "What, you thought I was going to let you walk off after the handgun made an appearance?" he asks, pulling her into a storefront and telling her to hand over her cash. She AGAIN says she doesn't have any. Joey. Give. Him. The money. It's not like Mr. Mugger believes that you're empty-handed, since he saw you come out of the ATM. "Rich little college girl like you?" he sneers. "Where do you go? Harvard? Wellesley?" "Worthington," Joey chokes out. "See? That's very nice," Mr. Mugger says. "Doesn't make me any less broke at the moment," Joey stutters. "Are you getting scared? You don't have to be scared," Mr. Mugger says. "Easy for you to say, you're holding the gun," Joey sniffs. Mr. Mugger concedes the point, and confides that he doesn't really intend to shoot her. "This from the guy who, twenty seconds ago, told me he had no intention of mugging me?" Joey sasses. What is this? Mugging banter? "Just trying to put you at ease," Mr. Mugger says. "Maybe you should have thought twice about, you know, mugging me," Joey says. It is mugging banter. Just when I think this show couldn't appall me any more. "What's done is done," Mr. Mugger shrugs. "Water under the bridge and whatnot. I think we're going to have to get past it, if we're going to have a successful mugger-muggee relationship here." "Whatnot"? I think I'll take that as a shout-out, as I use "whatnot" all the time. It's an excellent catch-all word, people. Try it! Joey glares at him. "Is there any chance that gun might accidentally go off in your pants? Because that would be really great," she says. He throws her against the wall. "You, young lady, are a wise-ass," he spits. "I just might have to shoot you yet. Now, let's go. Give me what you've got. Come on." At long last, Joey hands him her well-guarded twenty. "Twenty bucks, you scored," she informs him bitterly. Mr. Mugger can't believe it. "This is barely bus fare," he complains. This man is the worst mugger ever. Joey's lucky; if he were a professional, she'd be dead by this point. "Guess I left my wads of hundreds in the other jeans," she snaps. And then Mr. Mugger takes her cell phone. Because this episode is sponsored by Verizon: the cell phone of choice for sticky-fingered deadbeats everywhere. "This is a nice one," Mr. Mugger coos. "This is, like, really light. Looks cool." Because Verizon? Is the bomb! Nice and light and cool, and perfect for your mugging needs! While he's admiring his newest acquisition, Joey kicks him in the face. Oh, holy crap. Are you kidding me? Where was the face kick fifteen minutes ago? Mr. Mugger drops the phone, and Joey stops to pick it up -- Verizon! Don't leave it behind, even if you're in the middle of a violent attack! -- and then, finally, she runs.

Mr. Mugger catches her easily. He tackles Joey and straddles her. "That was not cool," he says. "Sorry," Joey says. "How do you know I'm not going to kill you for that?" Mr. Mugger asks, getting all in her face. "Is that what you're going to do? You're going to kill me?" Joey asks. "I don't know; I haven't made my mind up yet," Mr. Mugger says. "Well, in the meantime, could you get the hell off of me?" Joey grouses. He sits on her for a few more minutes and then finally gets up. She scrambles up. He puts her phone back in his pocket. "What is your name?" Mr. Mugger asks. "None of your business," Joey snaps. Mr. Mugger flashes her the gun again. "Joey," she admits. "Joey. I like Joey. I like boys' names for girls. It's cute," Mr. Mugger says. Okay, so he's a nutjob, right? Because, from what I understand, if you're mugging someone, it's considered proper form to take their money and book ASAP before someone catches you, rather than standing around and yammering. "My parents will be thrilled," Joey says. ["Can I just sayI don't care how much stress she's under; Joey would never snap off a snarky one-liner about her parents. One's in the ground and the other's in the clink. No way is that line organic to the character. Sorry, but sometimes it's the little things." -- Sars] "Look, you have my money and my cell phone. What else do you want?" He gives her a lecherous look. "Please, you're going to have to kill me," Joey says. I'm sorry. This episode was humorous in its complete awfulness the first time I saw it, but as I'm writing this recap, it occurs to me that I really hope no one is looking to Dawson's Creek for accurate information about what to do if, God forbid, you're attacked. Because I learned to give muggers my money and, whatever happens, just try not to die. And that seems to be the opposite message from what's being presented here. ["As a veteran of a mugging myself, let me reiterate what Jessica just said. If for whatever reason you find yourself in that situation: 1) Give up the goddamn money. All of it. Immediately. 2) Do not talk back. Ever." -- Sars] Mr. Mugger instructs her to empty her wallet. "Credit cards: fairly useless," he says. "You'll just cancel that the first chance you get. Unless, of course, I kill you. Kidding!" I also hope that no muggers are looking to this episode to learn how to be a more effective criminal, because everyone knows that if someone gets murdered, one of the first things the cops look into is when and where their credit cards were last used. Doesn't anyone watch Law & Order anymore? Murderers out there? Listen to me: use cash. So, Mr. Mugger announces that they're going back to the ATM, where Joey will empty her account for him. "I only have twenty-seven dollars in my account," Joey whines. "I don't believe it for a second, Joey Who Goes To Worthington," Mr. Mugger snarks. Joey insists that it's true. Mr. Mugger wants her to prove it. This is all just so horrifying.

ATM. "All right, work your magic," Mr. Mugger orders. Joey's checking account contains but twenty-seven dollars. "I got kicked in the gut for forty-seven bucks?" Mr. Mugger asks. "Well, don't forget the cell phone," Joey says. Verizon: It's Worth Getting Kicked In The Gut. Mr. Mugger decides to empty Joey's savings account as well. That account contains $507. "Disco!" Mr. Mugger crows. Joey's face falls. "Don't worry, sweetie, I'm sure Daddy will cut you a check first thing Monday," Mr. Mugger tells her. He doesn't understand! That Joey's dad! Is in the big house! But he will soon enough. Oh, he will. "You really want to punch me in the face, don't you?" he asks. I don't know about that, but I'd like to punch them both in the face, personally. "I mean, I understand. I really do. I just have bills to pay. I'm sorry if that's slightly more important than you buying yourself a pair of Manolo Blahniks," he says. Wow, what a cultured mugger he is! How many common criminals know about Manolo? That shows how little I know about the mugging community! Apparently, they spend a lot of off-time reading Vogue and window-shopping at Saks. Joey sneers and suggests that Mr. Mugger get himself a J.O.B. Funny, coming from Ms. I Won't Take Out So Much As A Student Loan. Mr. Mugger insists that he has a job. "You could say I'm in sales." Blah blah blah setting up a parallel to Joey's bad dad-cakes, he's a drug dealer. And some of his clients go to Worthington! "You should stop by some time. We could catch up," Joey remarks snidely, then starts to go. "You know, call me crazy, but I like you, Joey!" Mr. Mugger calls after her, and she TURNS AROUND TO LISTEN TO HIM COMPLIMENT HER. Seriously, my mouth has never hung open this far. The mugger likes Joey (presumably, because she has It), and she'd like to hear more! I hope he shoots her. "Except for that little kung fu kick out there, you've made this experience a very pleasant one. Lot of people, they would have pissed their pants by now. But you? You've held it together. You've kept your sense of humor. You know what? I won't hold that violent little outburst of yours against you," Mr. Mugger speechifies. Because even muggers fall in love with Little Joey Potter. Because she's poised. And smart. And pretty. And not incontinent. She's pleasant, even while being violated. Because you know what? Girls should never be unpleasant. Girls should never scream, or practice self-defense or even any kind of self-awareness, or make muggers and potential rapists feel bad about themselves. No! No! We should all be like Joey Potter and be polite -- yet charmingly sassy! -- to anyone who wants to wrong us. We should also make the crazy gun-toting criminals really work for their cash. They won't kill us, because they'll LIKE US. I sure am real glad I learned that tonight, because that's the opposite of everything that I've ever been taught by self-defense professionals and the police. Kiss my ass, Dawson's Creek. I can stomach the non-gay gay characters, and the spinectomys and the wussifaction of Jen and all the subtle sexism, even, but this is beyond the pale. Dawson's Creek owes every single person who watched this episode a copy of The Gift of Fear. And an hour of their lives. And a written apology. And some candy.

"Gee, thanks," Joey says. Joey? Still not leaving. "You know, another time, another place" Mr. Mugger trails off. "What?" Joey asks, giving him time to walk in front of her and block her exit again. "You and me might have made a scorching couple," Mr. Mugger says. Joey comments that Mr. Mugger must have been dipping into his stash. "You can tell me you don't find me even the slightest bit attractive?" Mr. Mugger asks. Excuse me, I have to find a bucket. Also, speaking of people who aren't the slightest bit attractive -- why hasn't Creepy called Joey back to ask her where she is? Joey sneers that she's not into drug dealers. "Oh, that's original. Let's pick on the drug dealer, that's an easy target," Mr. Mugger whines. Man, I wish he would shoot me. To put me out of my misery. "Can I go now?" Joey asks. "No, you can't. I have another question for you," Mr. Mugger says. Joey raises a brow. "Are you a virgin?" I just vomited. "Could you be any more of a dick right now?" Joey wonders. "Yeah, I could kill you. Or worse even," Mr. Mugger says. Okay, here's the part where you can just scroll up a bit to where I pointed out that I'm pretty sure being murdered is the worst thing that can happen to you. Being raped, God forbid, is an absolutely horrific violation, one so horrible that "horrific" doesn't seem to cover it. But if you're alive at the end of night? Better than the alternative. And the assumption that you should just -- you know what? I can't even get into this. I'm already furious. I really don't want to have a coronary. Moving right along. Mr. Mugger tells Joey that he's just "screwing with [her]." She folds her arms protectively over her breasts and tries, again, to leave.

But first, Mr. Mugger needs some advice about how to get back in his honey's good graces. Yes, he asked that. No, I'm not hallucinating. "Somebody actually dates you?" Joey asks. "Hey, somebody actually married me," Mr. Mugger points out. "I'm sorry to hear that, for her sake," Joey snarks. "Well, somebody's got to fall in love with the drug dealers of the world," Mr. Mugger points out. Am I DREAMING this episode? Is this even possible? Are they really talking about this? "I mean, are we not human, Joey? Are we no less divine?" Mr. Mugger asks. Joey rolls her eyes before he launches into the "Quality of Mercy is Not Strain'd" speech from The Merchant of Venice, and agrees that even Hitler had a girlfriend. "That's right. Eva Braun. And she was one smitten kitten." I have no words. No. Words. Whatsoever. Joey advises Mr. Mugger -- actually, no. This segment is so stupid, I'm not going to recap it. Joey, giving her mugger romantic advice? Fuck that noise. All you need to know is that she ends up having to give him her coat. And then he finally leaves. And Joey sets out to walk home alone. Without stopping at a pay phone to call the police. Or hanging out for a bit in the ATM vestibule, which Mr. Mugger can't open again after he's left because he doesn't know her ATM code, until she feels like he's gone. She's walking when she hears a whistle. It's Mr. Mugger, standing in a crosswalk and waving at her. Joey turns -- and don't ask why she's not running and sobbing -- and watches as he gets plowed down by a hit-and-run driver. The car speeds off. Mr. Mugger lies in a pool of blood. Joey stares. She doesn't run to the nearest pay phone, again. She just stands there and stares. I hate this show.

After the ads, Joey is still staring. She walks over to Mr. Mugger, who looks unconscious, and retrieves her coat. She checks to make sure that her five hundred bucks is still safe in her coat pocket. How did it end up in her coat pocket? Wouldn't Mr. Mugger have put it in his own pocket? Never mind, that nit is the least of our worries. She's patting him down for her cell phone when he grabs her hand. Joey leaps away, precious, precious phone in her hand. She's calling for help, she says. Mr. Mugger coughs up some blood and says that he's fine. She thought he was dead. "Not yet," he says, falling back on the pavement. Joey? Run to safety and call from there. Holy. Mother. Of God. Mr. Mugger gestures at his firearm again, telling Joey that if she stays, she dies. She doesn't think he'll shoot her. Because he likes her. But he doesn't want to go to jail, he wheezes. Joey points out that he'll get to go to the hospital first. "Not if I have any say in it," Mr. Mugger groans. Joey? Run. Call the police from somewhere safe. How did you live this long, being this dumb? Mr. Mugger manages to actually draw his gun and aim it at Joey. "If you want to shoot me, go right ahead," she tells him. Oh, Billy, don't be a hero. And then he fires! But the gun wasn't loaded because he "never got around to buying bullets." I'm about to go out and buy some bullets and PUT ONE THROUGH MY OWN HEAD. "How about that ambulance?" Joey asks, like she's offering him coffee and a donut. And he finally agrees. This is so stupid. I can not believe how stupid this show is. Stupid with a capital S. And a capital "Tupid."

So, the cops and the EMS folks are on their way, and then Mr. Mugger starts wailing about, like, karma or some crap as he tries to light a cigarette. Joey finally helps him out. "Something I can do?" she asks. "Got any heroin?" he asks. She doesn't. I sure wish I did. "Do you smoke?" Mr. Mugger asks, chattily. "No. My mom had lung cancer, so I never would." Except for the part where her mom had breast cancer. Didn't she? Kee-rist. ["Actually, as far as I know we're never told what kind of cancer Lillian had. She could have had both, though, at the end, I suppose. Oh, who am I trying to kid? Fucking Continuity stole my luggage and that's the last I saw him." -- Sars] But, see, it turns out that Mr. Mugger's dad had lung cancer too! They bond, and Joey finds out that Mr. Mugger deals drugs because his "wench of a wife" is "very high maintenance." Yeah, I'm sure it's all her fault. Apparently, he's trying to worm his way back into her good graces after she finally dumped him. At long last, Mr. Mugger wonders why Joey's being so nice to him. Well, mister, it's because she's Saint Joey. Duh. "It doesn't take a doctor to see that you're in pretty bad shape," she says. And it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that you could have called 911 from Professor Creepy's house. Finally, Joey reveals that her father was a drug dealer. And here we go. "Really? That's right, I think I saw him at a union meeting once," Mr. Mugger snarks. Joey tells Mr. Mugger that her father is actually in the pokey. And that, her whole life, she's been trying to figure out why he'd deal drugs when he had a wife and kids who "adored him." FINALLY, the ambulance pulls up and Joey finally shuts her pie hole. "Maybe that's why I'm being so nice to you. I want to know why," Joey muses. Sweet fancy Moses. She's looking thoughtful when the cops pull her away from Mr. Mugger and the EMS guys tend to his wounds. One of the police officers is trying to talk Joey into going to the hospital to get checked out as Mr. Mugger is loaded into the ambulance. "That's okay. I just want to go" Joey faints in the middle of her sentence. Sweet unconsciousness. Why have you forsaken me?