“ Exit Subassdunne, insert the principal's discovery of one final prank (last time it was the daughter's nude photo online, this time it's the wife's nude photo in the yearbook), and pour me a glass of whatever you're drinking. ”
Way back in 1999, I was offered the chance to recap a new show for MBTV. The show? Manchester Prep, the TV spin-off of a movie (Cruel Intentions), which was a remake of another movie (Dangerous Liaisons), which was adapted from the play of the same name, which was based on a book (Les Liaisons Dangereuses). You know how, if you make a photocopy of a photocopy of a photocopy, the quality deteriorates a bit? Well, you see where I'm going with that. Alas, Fox decided against airing this extremely promising show. Maybe it was the piece on Entertainment Tonight mentioning that watchdog groups were already protesting the racy storylines. Wait, no. That's free publicity. So I guess we're forced to conclude that the show was too awful... for Fox. Boggles the mind, doesn't it? Anyway, it seems that they padded out the pilot with some additional footage, and a mere two years later the pilot has been released as the straight-to-video (and DVD!) classic, Cruel Intentions 2. Adding to the confusion is the fact that this is, technically, a prequel. So it features many of the characters from Cruel Intentions, played by different actors, but takes place before that movie, for rather obvious reason. I'd still recommend reading Key Grip's recap of the first movie, because it's funny and more importantly, reading it will allow you to determine that this movie is, yes, even worse by comparison. Much, much worse.
Ooo, previews. You know, usually you can tell a lot about a movie from the previews that precede it. Comedies have previews for other comedies, horror movies have previews for the sequels, movies based on Saturday Night Live skits have commercials for suicide hotlines, etc. So what can we make of the fact that Cruel Intentions 2 has trailers for Final Fantasy, Snatch, Dolph Lundgren in Agent Red, something called Circus, and Just Looking, a nostalgic tale of inappropriate sexual attachment. Oh, wait, and also an ad for the special edition of the Dogma DVD. What does this assortment tell us? That they figured someone who'd rent Cruel Intentions 2 might rent almost anything. And they're not wrong; I rented this along with Cherry Falls and Dungeons & Dragons, which puts me squarely in the "masochistic" demographic. Okay, I guess I can't avoid it any longer; let's start the movie.
We open with Sebastian Valmont listening to a lecture from the principal of his crummy school, which is neither Manchesterian nor preppy. This time, Sebastian is played by Robin Dunne, a.k.a. A.J. Moller. He's no Ryan Phillippe, and I don't like Ryan Phillippe. At least Phillippe looked good in black turtlenecks, though. I'm not sure what it would take for Dunne to look appealing. Applying hedge trimmers to those eyebrows might be a step in the right direction. ["And not having rodents for parents." -- Sars] I can never come up with good nicknames, and I'm not saying this is an exception to that rule, but "Subassdunne" is really too obvious to pass up. Okay, so Subassdunne is a troublemaker, but since his mom's now in rehab, he's about to move in with his dad and go to a new school, which is his big chance to get a fresh start. The patronizing principal lectures him about changing his ways. Subassdunne claims to have reformed. This is almost exactly the same scene that the first movie opened with, only this time with a principal instead of a therapist. Exit Subassdunne, insert the principal's discovery of one final prank (last time it was the daughter's nude photo online, this time it's the wife's nude photo in the yearbook), and pour me a glass of whatever you're drinking.
Cruel Intentions 2
“ Maybe it would have made sense if he'd sounded sarcastic, but he didn't. At this point, I conclude that the script was written by aliens. Which explains how they found so many robots to use in the cast. ”
Travel-to-New-York montage and credits. Actually, that should be "credit." The title. Richard Kumble, who both wrote and directed this marvel, seems to be suffering from an attack of modesty for some reason. Subassdunne is escorted to the palatial downtown home of his father and step-family. Establishment of background: Subassdunne's mom is in rehab, which is why he's moving to NYC to live with Papa Valmont and his new stepmother. Subassdunne meets Mama Merteuil for the first time. She's got a cat in her lap. Yes, they really are setting up some "nice pussy" un-nuendo. , time for introductions to Kathryn, the evil stepsister. Kathryn was played by Sarah Michelle Gellar in what I suppose I must refer to as the "original." Here, she is portrayed by Amy Adams, who you'll all remember from...uh, well, apparently she played "Beth" in "Family." Now you remember her, right? Me neither. She and Subassdunne don't hit it off very well. Kathryn plays the piano, and then Subassdunne plays it better. Nothing happens for a while, except that we establish that Subassdunne is a jerk.
At dinner, we establish that Kathryn is the student-body president even though she's a sophomore. Because that's how popular she is, you see. She's also rumored to be smart, so she's embarrassed when Subassdunne corrects her vocabulary. Unable to enjoy dinner because he's already full of himself, Subassdunne leaves. Papa Valmont follows and yells at him while Mama Merteuil privately taunts Kathryn for being less of an asshole than her stepbrother. Because the whole family is evil, you see. Oh, except then we see Subassdunne on the phone with his mom, promising that he'll take care of her. I guess maybe his mom isn't evil. Just high. But I can understand what might have driven her to that.
Subassdunne showers, in a scene that no one needed to see. There are a lot of bare breasts in this movie, but most them are his. Kathryn stomps in because she can't think of any better place for a confrontation, and tells Subassdunne that he shouldn't "threaten [her] cushy lifestyle." How is he threatening her? Is there only room for three jerks in the family? Then she admires his penis, flushes the toilet so that he's doused in hot water, and leaves. Remember when that we saw that same scene on Married with Children?
Subassdunne and Kathryn, dressed in their school uniforms, take the limo to school. Why did I mention the uniforms? Well, because one of the messages of this movie is that teenage girls in school uniforms are sexy. In fact, that might be the only message of this movie. Being new to the school, Subassdunne has to meet with the Headmaster. While waiting outside the office, he talks up a teenage girl in a school uniform, who will eventually be identified as Danielle. She's played by Sarah Thompson, who you may know as Dana "Jailbait" Poole. Subassdunne starts a conversation by telling Danielle that she's beautiful, and she responds, "What did you mean by that remark?" What an odd way to respond. Maybe it would have made sense if he'd sounded sarcastic, but he didn't. At this point, I conclude that the script was written by aliens. Which explains how they found so many robots to use in the cast. Subassdunne talks to the headmaster, Danielle enters, and, much to no one's surprise, she turns out to be the headmaster's daughter.
Cruel Intentions 2
Kathryn gives her welcoming speech to the school. A klutzy blonde girl gets the hiccups, and chokes on her gum, causing a scene. Danielle performs the Heimlich maneuver, causing the class to give her a round of applause. And causing the klutz to spit her gum into Kathryn's hair. Why did this scene exist? I think it was so that Kathryn would bear a grudge against the klutzy girl. "She upstaged my speech and spat gum in my hair! I will destroy her!" The Scream movies had better motives than this.
In English, a testy teacher writes "Jekyll" and "Hyde" on the chalkboard and then asks for someone to tell him "what this means." What what means? I don't know. The teacher makes fun of a student who tries to answer the vaguer than vague question, and then asks what the themes of the story are. Danielle blathers about the duality of man. Subassdunne interrupts to insist that "Jekyll loved Hyde so much that he protected him from the world." The two argue for about five seconds before the teacher interrupts and then asks, "Am I losing my mind or did we just witness an intellectual debate in this classroom?" If he was that thrilled by it, why'd he interrupt? And this is what passes for intellectual debate in an elite prep school? Wait, this is where all the Bush kids went to school, isn't it? That explains so much.
Mueller, the assistant headmaster, is chased down by Kathryn. Kathryn's crabby because she has gym class. Since she seduced Mueller over the summer, now he has to get her out of gym, or she'll tell everyone that he molested her. Mueller gives in. This movie is giving me the creeps. Once again we learn the important lesson: teenage girls in school uniforms are sexy. We watch Kathryn walk down a hall, climb some stairs, climb some more stairs, and finally reach the attic. Are there shots of her taken from below, which allow you to see scandalously far up her pleated miniskirt from below? Why, yes! Two of them! Charming. She finally reaches the attic or something, where a secret meeting of the "Manchester Tribunal" is taking place.
The who in the what now? Well, apparently the idea was that two malicious, reprehensible characters doing nasty things to innocent secondary characters wasn't enough content for a whole show. So they created a group of malicious, reprehensible characters. I love trying to figure out how this would work as a series. Would Subassdunne and Kathryn have to team up against other Machiavellettes? Or would it just be different people doing different horrible things every week? It is worth noting that, if there are over a dozen students who take part in Kathryn's plots, or at least encourage them, it's strange how shocked everyone is when they discover that she's not so sweet after all at the end of Cruel Intentions. Fine, the Tribunal. Live Sociopaths' Society. Whatever. Can I just mention that there's a chandelier? In the attic? The meeting is called to order by a guy with bushy 70s hair. Kathryn makes another speech, in which she promises "to weed out the geeks, losers, and underprivileged, and toss their fat asses out of our school." Round of applause.