Coda

FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST -- THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, WE ARE FREE AT LAST!

Previously on An All-Star Tribute To James Van Der Beek's Ego: Dawson and Joey discussed whether she and Pacey could become friends, and Dawson told her that it couldn't hurt to show Pacey that she cares; Pacey told Andie about the deckhand job, and said he'd have to leave "soon"; Joey gave her schmaltzy graduation speech; Pacey told Joey he couldn't "be a friend to" her now, but it's not how he wants it "to end between" them, and then he walked to a plane.

Shot of the creek; on the soundtrack, crickets chirp as a testament to the millions of viewers who tuned out after Pacey left last week. Fade to the Sanctum Dawsonorum, where Dawson "Ick Magnet" Leery and Joey "Any Prat In A Storm" Potter watch The Creature From The Dork Lagoon, Dawson's horror movie from the first season. After a Joey mannequin gets beheaded onscreen, Dawson abruptly switches off the TV and comments that the movie sucks a lot more than he remembered. Uh duh. Joey expositions, for those of us pinned beneath bombing debris during the four seasons and thus ignorant of Dawson's myriad filmic "accomplishments," that Creature From Beneath The Dweeb won the grand jury prize blah blah blah and Dawson got $2,500 out of the deal. Dawson continues in the please-correct-me-when-I-make-fun-of-myself vein by saying that he spent the prize money on Creek Daze, a "self-indulgent piece of crap," and Joey naturally corrects him by meta-ing, "Blah blah blah blah blah." Then Dawson wonders how did they "get here," saying that it seems like just yesterday that they sat there watching E.T. and "wondering what tenth grade is gonna be like," and then it's time to leave for college. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: try recapping it. Joey orders a flame-broiled flank of exposition medium rare by saying that "some of [them] are going sooner than others" -- not soon enough, hon -- and she has the whole summer to "process [her] crippling anxiety," but Dawson's set to bolt for the left coast the day after . Dawson waxes apprehensive, saying he's starting to second-guess himself on the whole summer-program thing, and that's Joey's cue to stroke his ego even more, saying that he has to "focus on the good," that not only does USC want him but they want him early, and "that's huge," like, Joey? Dawson doesn't need you, or anyone else, to tell him that he's the shit, because he already thinks it of himself, in spades, so if you can't get a backbone, stick a coat hanger down the back of your little cap-sleeved Pepto-pink t-shirt, but either way, stop lathering him up with praise. And shut up. In my dreams -- Joey keeps talking, but now it's to point out that Dawson should really start packing. Dawson tries to make a funny: "When you're in the kind of denial I'm in right now, there's just no room for packing." Clunk. Shut up, Dawson. Joey shrugs, "Okay."

A moment of silence, and we see the monster of the deep -- a.k.a. Pacey -- yanking Joey into the water; then we cut back to Joey flinching away from the screen and busying herself with her soda. Dawson asks if she's "heard from" Pacey, and Joey quickly says that "the sea creature from the deep remains incommunicado." Heh. Dawson makes "I'm sure once he's ready" noises, but Joey cuts him off, sighs heavily, and asks if Dawson ever feels "incapable of sustaining a relationship." "Sustaining"? Shut up, Joey. Dawson's "in touch with that emotion." Joey grumbles something about life lessons before saying she's learned never to get involved with a sea monster, "no matter how charming" -- it doesn't work out. Good advice, Joey. Now can we move the scene along, please? We know you broke up with Pacey; we can assume that you feel sad about it, because, well, we live in the world. Now get on with it, for the love of Mike. Dawson smugs that, "despite [their] mutual misery," he's had a "pretty decent time" chilling with Joey lately. Ohhh yeah -- nothing gets the girls like damnation with faint praise. Joey looks up, startled, and then smiles, "Me too." Dawson wishes it didn't have to end. Awkward pause. Joey observes that "everything has to come to an end." "Thank you, Sylvia Plath," Dawson cracks. And thank you, "writers," for yet another Dawson "joke" that not only falls flat but doesn't even make logical sense to begin with. Another awkward pause. "I just wish it didn't, is all," Dawson sighs. Then there's a weird edit where Joey's like "whatever" and Dawson points the remote at the TV and says, "Let's, uh" and then there's a smash cut into the credits and a cat proceeding down a baggage ramp in its carrier. The hell?

Back from commercials, we pan past a fountain to find Dawson, Joey, Jen "Nurse" Lindley, and Jack "Mercutio" McPhee lying around on the concrete steps beside the fountain, sunning themselves and tuning up their verbal-sparring skills. But they all have spring/fall clothes on -- jeans, jackets, and heavy boots -- and it's allegedly June. Oh, right. Capeside biosphere. My mistake. Carry on. Jen wonders if they shouldn't all look for summer jobs. Joey says she already has one, and Dawson not-funnies that maybe it's just him, but the Yacht Club uniforms have gotten "sexier and sexier." Joey mock-snarls, "Bite me!" and yanks Dawson's hair playfully. Kind of a cute moment, even though it involves Dawson's hair. And, um, Dawson. Dawson says they could all get jobs at the IHOF, and the rest of them groan like "gee, thanks -- not." Jack sits up, saying that he's "got one," and asks if they'd rather work two shifts at the IHOF naked, or have sex once with Principal Derek Smalls. Apparently, they've got a running game of Would You Rather going. Heh. Anyway, Jen and Joey gag, and Jack's all "top that, suckas," and Joey asks if they'd rather do Principal Smalls, or spend freshman year with a roommate who "smells really really bad." Jen asks if Joey means the hippie-no-deodorant kind of bad, but Joey means the French-foreign-exchange-student kind of bad. Like, ha ha. Not. Besides, it's the Germans who generally smell the worst, and I speak from very painful experience. Jack: "Is he cute?" Hee hee! Jen, in a warning tone: "Jack." Jack says he's kidding. Now it's Dawson's turn, and he's got one that he calls "so brilliant it's almost perverse," and Joey cracks on him, as does Jen, warning Dawson that he shouldn't "preface [his] supposed brainstorms with the word 'brilliant,'" because it just sets him up for failure. Snerk. Also, amen. Jack is all "let the man speak," so Dawson busts out with a choice between having sex with Principal Smalls and watching Smalls have sex with Grams. Okay, Dawson? Not funny, and waaaay over the line as well. You just don't go there with your friends' family members, all right? That's, like, a rule. Everyone else just stares at Dawson, repulsed (go figure), and finally Jen groans that, first of all, Grams would never sleep with Smalls, and second of all, Dawson wins: "That's disgusting." The others agree. Dawson's all proud of leaving town as the "gross-out champion," and do I need to make the joke here? No, I didn't think so. Anyway, he's supposed to meet The Flash at the computer store, so he heads off after making plans to meet the others for the movies at seven o'clock. Joey pensively watches him go.

Computer store. Mitch "The Flash" Leery, an entire case of Jolt coursing through his veins, rapidly and overactingly extols the benefits of the laptop he plans to buy for Dawson while tapping away at the keyboard with his beefy fingers. Heh. An over-caffeinated Flash is a funny Flash. The Flash winds up the monologue by asking rhetorically, "What more could you ask for?" Dawson casts a scheming gaze over at the Apple section of the store before answering, "How about a Mac?" Um, no. How about a "thanks, Dad"? Jesus. The Flash just stares at the ingrate; Dawson smirks a line about Mac people and PC people and how "the choice defines you," and since Mac people tend to get very smug indeed, it figures that Dawson wants to become one. More arguing about the Beatles versus Elvis or some damn thing, and The Flash tries to shut Dawson down by telling him that he's done the research, and the T-21 "is by far the best buy," so that's what Dawson's getting. Dawson whines that, in that case, he'd rather not get a laptop at all, and The Flash caffeines that Dawson needs a laptop for school; Dawson says all condescendingly that he appreciates The Flash's wanting to "do this for" him, but "it's not fair" if The Flash will only do it on his own terms. It's at this point that my own father would have said something like, "Fine. Here's an abacus," and then bopped me over the head with it, hard, but The Flash settles for bellowing sarcastically that a father wants to spend thousands of dollars on his son and that's not fair, oh, fine, and Dawson's like, "I don't want it," and The Flash is like, "But you need it, so stow it," and a salesman comes up to offer his help, and The Flash tells him that they'll take the T-21, and while the salesman burbles about The Flash's "excellent choice," The Flash glares challengingly at Dawson, and Dawson flares his nostrils, and then they kiss, and The Flash says huskily, "Make love to me," bun chicka wah wah, and Dawson's all, "Did somebody order a pizza?" and tears off his XXXL shirt before hiking his tongue down -- okay, okay, sorry. Just kidding.

Jen and Jack sit amongst packed-up boxes at the Ryan Home; Jack stares glumly into the empty fridge as Jen prattles on about not leaving Grams, the "unstoppable cleaning machine," alone, blah blah blah. Grams "Bootsy Collins" Ryan enters, backstorying about "one last potluck at the ladies' auxiliary," and shoos Jack away from the stockpot he's snacking out of on the stove. More exposition about how the movers arrive at eight the morning, which means that Jen has to get cracking on packing her room up; Jack watches the banter while sticking his finger into a jar of peanut butter. Jen laughingly accuses Grams of passive-aggressively trying to get her to stay in that night instead of seeing a movie with Dawson, but adds that she'll gladly chill at home if Grams wants to. Grams tells her not to be silly, adding that it's Dawson's last night in town. Oh, come on -- he's not joining the damn Foreign Legion, people. Jen points out that it's also their last night in the house, and Grams snorts fondly that "there's no point in being sentimental about these things," and everything's packed up anyway. Jen is about to argue it further, but Grams pacifies her by saying that they'll "have tea" after Jen gets home. "You packed the kettle," Jen whispers. Grams rolls her eyes and bustles off. Jen smiles sadly.

Ingrate Inn. The Flash charges across the lawn, computer box under one arm, all raring to get the laptop set up, but Dawson spots Joey hanging out with Gale "Last Overtanned-go In Paris" Leery on the patio and runs over to her, calling her "a sight for sore eyes." No comment. The revelation that Dawson plans to go to the movies with the rest of the gang touches off an argument with The Flash over the fact that it's Dawson's last night at home and doesn't he want to spend it with the family, and I think we've all had the exact same argument with our parents the month before we went away to school, like, "You're going out again? When do we get to see you? You have packing to do, young lady!" and I felt bad, but when it came down to a choice between going over to a friend's house and drinking beer in the basement and making out with my boyfriend or, you know, staying home with the same people I'd seen every damn day for the last seventeen years, well, "staying home" never won. Until my mother threatened to ground me, anyway. So, The Flash is hurt, and Dawson is snippy and arm-flappy, and Joey looks like she'd like to disappear; Gale tries to get The Flash to drop it, but The Flash isn't having it, and he plays the "little baby sister" guilt card, to no avail, and Dawson whines, "Dad, what is going on with you?" Duh, Dawson. He's going to miss you. Why, I can't imagine, but whatever -- although it's worth saying here that it's usually moms that wig out all "don't you care about us anymore?" while the dads do more subtle stuff like following you from room to room and beaming at you sadly from doorways while you pack up your milk crates. All this by way of saying that I can sympathize with Dawson, but Dawson should try to sympathize a little bit more with The Flash, who says he can't figure out when Dawson "became so insensitive." I'd have to go with January 20, 1998, myself. Dawson gripes back that The Flash has gotten "overbearing," and The Flash laughs mirthlessly and informs Dawson that he's staying for dinner. "No!" Dawson brats. Oh, man. "No"? Do I have to tell you how my father would have responded to that? That he would have said, "You want to hear 'no,' missy? Ask me if I'll still pay your college tuition if you don't park your butt at the dinner table tonight, because THEN YOU'LL HEAR A 'NO,' I ASSURE YOU"? I thought not. Dawson whines that he's "stressed out enough" about the impending move, and he's going to the movies, and he refuses to feel guilty about letting The Flash down, so he's going to spend the evening with the three people who "mean the world to" him and he'll hang with the fam later. Okay, you know, I sympathized with Dawson until he busted out that line, and now I totally don't. Like, first of all, there's ways to put things that don't hurt other people's feelingsand then there's what Dawson inevitably saysand never the twain shall meet. It's called "tact," Dawson. Look it up. And second of all, who talks to their parents that way and lives to tell the story? Anyway, The Flash sulks, "Do what you want," and stomps inside. Aw, poor Flash. Dawson turns to Gale and says in an officiously annoyed tone, "Mom?" Gale doesn't even want to deal with the situation, or Dawson, so she just sighs at him to go and have fun, and she clomps inside. How many mothers of newborns wear flimsy slip dresses and mules? Not many, right? Just wondering. Joey tells Dawson they don't have to go, but he smugs, "Let's get outta here," and they leave. Shut up, Dawson.