Promicide

Previously on Dawson's Desktop -- er, I mean, "Creek": Tobey teased Jack about his homoactivism, and Jack called himself "a Tobey activist"; Dawson needled Gretchen about applying for a job in Boston, and she told him she had to get on with her own life; Jen confronted her father about boinking the babysitter; Gretchen told Joey that Pacey got arrested for public drunkenness, and that Doug interceded, and that Pacey's "in a lot of pain." I hope you caught those last six words, because if you don't read the Desktop, that's the sum total of the lead-up we get for tonight's main plot.

Fade up on the PB&B. "Payback's A" Joey Potter stands in front of the mirror in a purple Delia's-esque prom dress; behind her, Bessie "Duena" Potter makes adjustments and tells her sister through a mouthful of pins that she looks "wadiant." From the bed where he's lounging, Pacey "Chuck Knoblauch" Witter translates that to "radiant," and agrees with Bessie's assessment, but Joey says she doesn't look radiant, she looks "silly." Yeah, nice try, but it's a little too late to fall back on the tomboy thing when you haven't mentioned it in, like, two years, "writers." ["Seriously. That's only the fortieth strappy dress I've seen her in. This year." -- Wing Chun] Pacey seconds that emotion by saying he won't dignify that with a response. Joey snarks about the prom: "I mean, what are we, like, in high school?" Pacey says patiently that yes, in fact, they are. Joey refers to her not-so-hot "track record" at proms, calling last year's anti-prom a "debacle," and if she thinks attending it sucked, she should try recappingit some time. Bessie says through the pins that the script calls for her to leave the room so that Joey and Pacey can have an awkward moment together; Pacey translates that she has to go pick up Alexander, and Bessie tells Pacey to "finish" with the dress and bustles off. "Okay," Pacey says, taking the pins and approaching Joey reluctantly. Joey asks flirtatiously if he likes the dress. He believes he already used the word "radiant." Joey, cuddling up close, burbles that she figures the dress "isn't really the part that guys care about" -- it's after the prom, when the dress comes off, and she tries to punctuate that (very good, by the way) point by going in for a smooch, but Pacey parries by saying that, speaking of that, he needs her to pick up the prom tickets. Joey frowns and turns around so that Pacey can futz around with the dress; she thought he planned to pick up the tickets. He can't; his "poor academic standing has put [him] on the 'do not sell to' list." Ouch. Joey asks if he's got the limo under control; he says he does, and reminds her that he's "gonna take care of everything." Joey offers that he doesn't have to take care of everything, that she can help with the "preparations," but Pacey says gently that he wants to: "I wanna make this perfect for you." Joey turns back around, smiling, and murmurs that he doesn't have to make it perfect, and she goes in for another kiss -- again, no go. Pacey says that it's "sweet of [her] to say," but he'd like to try, and turns her back around to mess with the dress some more. Do you get it? No? Okay, see, she's all schmoopy, but he's -- oh, you do get it. Okay, good. Wait, what's that? What do you mean, "where did it come from"? Well, how would I know? I don't read the Desktop. Okay, okay, here's where it's coming from. Paul Stupin rummaged around in his ass and pulled it out. Okay? That's all I've got.

Anyhow. Joey, perturbed, turns back around, and Pacey makes "gotta get going" noises, and Joey takes his hand over her shoulder as he tells her reflection in the mirror that he loves her, and that she deserves "the most amazing senior prom that anyone has ever had," and he's going to give it to her, "so from here on out, smooth sailing, I promise." She nods, half-smiling. Pacey reaches for the zipper. Quick cut away so that we'll find the exaggerated "rrrrrrriiiipp!" on the soundtrack amusing. Pacey and Joey both stare down at the damage he's just done. Pacey: "Damn." Pacey, ladies and germs. Nine-thirty show is not the same as the seven-thirtyoh, forget it.

Credits. Cat getting dressed in a novelty pet tuxedo.

Back from commercials to the Ryan Home. In Jen's room, Tobey "Tobi! Tob!" entertains "The Abyss Looks Back Into" Jen Lindley and Jack "Is A Fictional Character Played By Kerr Smith, Who Is Not Gay And Who Doesn't Think That Teenagers Need To See Two Guys Kissing On A Weekly Basis, And It's A Good Thing He Told Us That On Page 14 Of Entertainment Weekly, Because Otherwise We Might Think That He Endorsed Homosexuality, Because We Can't Tell The Difference Between The Actor And The Character He Plays, And Because God Forbid A Straight Man Playing A Gay Character Just Does His Job And Supports The Right Of Gay Teens To See Themselves Represented On Primetime Television, And I Totally Don't Hope That The Ghost Of Paul Lynde Floats Over To Kerr's House And Jams That Undeserved GLAAD Award Up His Ass -- Oh, Wait, We Can, He Should, I Totally Do, And SHUT UP KERR YOU STUPID-ASS TOURETTE'S-ADDLED FRAT RAT" McPhee with tales of past proms. Apparently, Tobey's fifteen and he's at some girl's senior prom, and he tells her that he's gay, so she hikes her tongue down his throat and then grabs his hand and puts it on her wonderfulness and tells him to give her an hour and she'll rock his world. Heh. I think I know that girl, actually. Jack and Jen laugh, scandalized. Tobey says not to let his "horror stories" put them off; he's sure they'll have a great time. Then he makes to leave for a doctor's appointment, saying that it's the last one after "the incident," and Jen gets up to hug and kiss him goodbye. Tobey wishes her luck in finding a dress, and tells her to keep the prom-issue magazines scattered all over the bedexcept for Cosmo, which he snags for the sex quiz. Hee hee! I heart Tobey. Then he and Jack shake hands, which seems a little too straight, but whatever, and Tobey tells Jack to call him, he wants to hear all the "prom-related details," and then he bolts.

Jen closes the door behind him and turns to fix Jack with a very funny "andso?" look. Jack tells her not to start. Jen's all, "Hey, I didn't say anything," and Jack's all, "You don't have to, so don't, because no, I'm not asking Tobey to the prom," and Jen's all, "Why not? You like him, you have fun together, he wants you to ask him 'cause he couldn't shut up about prom prom prom just now," and Jack's like, "Um, remember Gayoda? Yeah. Not going there, don't want to deal with it," and Jen says on behalf of everyone in the viewing audience, "Jack? Nobody cares. Just -- take the boy to prom." Jack accuses her of trying to get out of going to prom by making him go with Tobey, and shouts, "Just pick a dress!" Jen protests that it's fine, she'll just go stag, but Jack reminds her of Tobey's "more-than-platonic feelings" and says he can't ask Tobey to the prom or he'll get the wrong idea. Jen tries to argue some more. They do a little Dr. Evil "eh -- zip it -- but -- hey -- no." Jack tells her again to pick a dress.

Cut to Jen and Gretchen "Chillin' With A Forty" Witter in a dress shop, standing glumly in front of the changing-room mirror. Jen's got a frilly yellow something on; Gretchen looks very nice in a sparkly deep-blue one-shoulder number. Gretchen asks how she looks; as Joey looks on approvingly, Jen tells Gretchen that she looks "perfect," while she herself looks like "a big, stupid freak." Well, strapless isn't her look, but it's not that bad. Joey and Gretchen encourage her, and when Joey comes up with "luminous," Jen changes her assessment of herself to "a big luminous freak." Snick.

Tuxedo fitting room. Jack tells Dawson "He's Little In The Middle But He's Got Much Forehead" Leery that he's going to look great. Get glasses, Jack. There's back-and-forth about corsages and the limo, and we establish that Pacey's got it covered. Foreshadowing comes out of the bathroom, tracking watery footprints behind him, to tell me that I've run out of shampoo.

Back to the dress shop, where Gretchen is saying that she's the freak, not Jen: "My senior prom was last century." She adds that it's kind of depressing when she thinks about it. Yeah -- welcome to my life, hon. Joey makes "don't be depressed" noises, and Gretchen tries to sell herself on the idea by saying that she's not really depressed; she's up for the Boston job, and she's looking forward to the prom as a "fun trip down memory lane, on the arm of a guy I'm totally into." Mmm hmm. "Fun." Good try, Gretchen. "What's there to be depressed about?" she asks. Have you got a week? Joey shrugs all "exactly."

Tuxes 'R' Us. Jack, wrestling with a bow tie, needles Dawson on whether he and Gretchen will "fulfill the longstanding teenage tradition of after-prom sex." Jack? Please. We don't want to know. Dawson -- whose hair looks as though the hair lady squeezed it out of a tube and scraped it down along his head using a putty knife, i.e. "like shit" -- knots a satin cravat and declines to answer. Jack laughs like "you dawg!" Okay, usually these two have good, funny scenes together, but that one didn't work.

Drue tries to keep Jen from pitching into the drink Abby-style. She pushes him away, and in doing so nearly falls in; he grabs her and yanks her back over the side, and she lands on top of him, then hauls herself up to the railing and speeyacks over it.

Elsewhere, Joey scuttles along the deck, a hand over her mouth; Dawson is a couple of steps behind, and he unbuttons his jacket and drapes it over her as she cries silently. After a moment, she wails that Pacey just said all that "in front of a room full of people," and it's not true: "It's not who I am." Dawson knows. Joey doesn't understand how he could do that. She slumps onto Dawson's shoulder. Dawson comforts her.

Drue tells Jen that she's "become a lightweight," and he'll have to get her back to New York and "toughen [her] up again." Jen sniffles that she doesn't want to go back to New York; she hates New York, and she's changed, and although she's pushed herself to go back to New York and face things, she doesn't really want to. She asks if Drue thinks she's "weak," but Drue says he thinks we should never go back when we can go forward, and in that respect she's strong. Then he teases her that she should "look into Boston," it's an "up-and-coming town," and he's going to be there, et cetera. "Strike one for Boston," Jen snuffles, and shoots Drue a look of thanks; he ducks away from it. Aw.

The Full Moon Of Ominously Unsubtle Portent. Tobey's in the stern, sulking. ["Funny, I thought he liked it in the stern. THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT!" -- Wing Chun] He's taken his bow tie off. Yum. We get a niiiice loooong lingering shot of Tobey as Jack comes through a door in the background, then wanders into the shot and asks what Tobey's doing. He's "contemplating swimming for shore." Jack says he doesn't blame Tobey for that, and apologizes for "earlier -- what [he] said. Or didn't say." Tobey, interest piqued, turns to look at Jack. Kerr Smith, knowing that he's going to have to kiss David Monahan, has a look of genuine dread on his face during the entire speech and totally fails to sell it, but anyway, Jack says he's having "so much more than platonic" feelings for Tobey, it took him by surprise, he's afraid, he's homophobic -- oops, I mean, "at first he felt put off by Tobey's outness," but tonight he really looked at Tobey, and he's funny and handsome and nice and out, and now it's something he admires most about Tobey, and he's not afraid anymore. Nice try, Kerr. Anyway, Tobey starts giving Jack The Look as Jack says that he's "so not afraid anymore," and Jack leans in, and they kiss for five-and-a-half seconds. Well, Tobey kisses; Jack just stands there like a dead fish and doesn't move his mouth at all. But hey, I'll take it. Anyway, they smile at each other, and Jack stammers, "How 'bout that dance?" Not shown: Kerr Smith diving off of Das Promboot, swimming to shore, racing sopping-wet into the nearest drugstore, and downing an entire bottle of Listerine while screaming, "EWWW, COOTIES!"