Dawson's Creek S04E17

Marching band music blasts over the opening titles. This one's from Turner Entertainment, so you know who to blame. "My mother named me after my father, Angus --" Hey, check it out. The voiceover said that just as the film's title came up. (What? I'm taking my thrills where I can.) "-- a cow's name, which didn't help matters, because I was a big kid." Cut to a huge six-month-old baby in a crib, eating a huge chocolate chip cookie. That's good, Ted Turner. No way a kid could choke on something like that. "My mother was in labor with me for two days, but it was my father who died during childbirth." Kathy Bates, Angus's mom, looks down at the kid, smiling, and probably making plans to enter the kid into the WWF at the age of three. "He died of a heart attack waiting for her to deliver." Sure it was a heart attack? I'm just sayin', after a two-day labor, she might have been a little irritated with Mister Man-Juice. , we montage over to a birthday party, where Angus and a bunch of five-year-olds are eating cake. Suddenly, a blond kid at the other end of the table taunts, "Angus Bethune is a faaaaaat kiiiiid." Oh, God. No, I'm totally getting flashbacks here. "He's so hungry he eats his boogers!" The kids all point and laugh. I'll be fine. No, really. "This was my problem," Angus VOs. "Rick Sandford." L'il Rick walks up to Angus and asks if he wants to play Pin the Tail on the Donkey. Angus nods. "You can be the donkey!" Angus has apparently had enough of this crap and clobbers the little creep, taking off when he realizes he's broken Rick's nose.

A couple of years later, we're in an elementary school bathroom. A redheaded kid is collecting money from a group of boys. "I met my best friend Troy Wedburg the day he charged five cents to see --" L'il Troy triumphantly raises his hand. "My cousin's pubic hair!" A toilet flushes, and L'il Rick comes out and snags the hair from Troy: "You are such a liar." L'il Angus emerges from another stall. "Give him back his pubic hair, Rick." Boy, how many times did we say that as children, huh? "Angus. Isn't that a cow's name?" L'il Angus chuckles for a moment, then cold-cocks Rick, sending him to the floor. "Moo." Hey, with a cool dry wit like that, he could be an action hero! L'il Angus and L'il Troy book down the hall as someone calls after them that Rick's nose is broken.

Roller rink. Angus is skating around and watching a girl in what looks like a figure-skating costume struggle with a kid on skates. "I fell in love with Melissa LeFevre the day she threw Eric Simmerclock across Tarlow's roller rink." The kid goes rolling into a wall. "Melissa LeFevre was the kind of girl that just made you ache, because you know she was put on this earth out of your reach, just to make you feel bad." So just like pretty much all women, then. (Hi, Mal.) Angus skates into a wall and falls down, and it is pretty much at this point in the narrative that I realize Ted Turner has made a film based on my life. I'm serious, y'all. This kid even looks like I used to.

A few years later. In a public park, Angus is hanging out with Troy when Rick, surrounded by his posse, tosses him a football. "Rick Sanford got more popular," Angus VOs. "Hey, Angus, wanna play some football? You can be the field!" Angus does the laughing thing again and hurls the football into Rick's face. He goes down like the punk he is. "...and much better-looking every time I broke his nose." Melissa fusses over Rick, much to Angus's consternation.

Present day. Angus and Troy are in football uniforms. For the record, Troy is played by Chris Owen, also known as That Guy Who Kept Stealing Everything in Can't Hardly Wait. Cheerleader Melissa is on the sidelines, looking concerned. (She's played by Ariana Richards, the proto-Kirsten Dunst.) And having his leg tended to is Rick, played by...hey. Hey, wait a minute. That's James Van Der Beek. That's the Beek in a football uniform! Oh, God, it's Varsity Blues! He's gonna speak in a Texas accent! I never signed on for this! I -- wait. If I keep watching, there's a good chance he'll get his nose broken. I can hang in. "I hate that guy," Angus growls. "Golden Rick Sanford. He had everything! Looks --" My scream of "NOT!" shatters windows. "Smarts --" This time, only dogs can hear me. "-- and Melissa." Well, okay. "I had Troy, and he had jock itch."

We get a credit sequence of the marching band playing in time with Love Spit Love's "Am I Wrong." It's a very cool song, and it sounds pretty good with the march mixed in. Wow, the Beek doesn't even get opening credits billing. His forehead must have swollen with rage. (Well, there must be some explanation.) We also get "Introducing Charlie Talbert," as Angus his own self. This was scripted by Jill Gordon, a writer for My So-Called Life, so you know we've got some good angst a-comin'. Remember, you can't spell most of Angus without "angst."

The team retakes the field. Melissa smacks Rick in the helmet and admonishes him to be careful. Everyone huddles up. Angus VO: "Growing up, you wait for that one moment that's truly yours, for something to happens that makes you believe that every once in a while, the good guys can win." Wow. I didn't get any of those until 1997. "I was still waiting." Angus takes a look back at Melissa. Rick calls the plays, breaks the huddle, and grabs Angus's helmet guard. "Watch my ass!" he orders. Right here? In front of everybody? You kinky devil, Rick. "I'm watching it right now!" Angus barks back, or tries to bark, since he's got his mouthpiece in. "I bet you are," Rick smirks. Uh...what the hell does that even mean? The boys line up. Rick calls the play, and Angus starts kicking ass, destroying anyone within reach and protecting Rick. See, if it was me, I'd just let them smite his smarmy little ass. Rick throws a long bomb, but it gets intercepted. Angus yells something at Rick-- I think it's "Idiot!" -- and takes off after the QB. "I was equipped with tracking radar. I needed only to lock in on a quarterback's hips to zero in on the tackle." TMI, Angus. T. M. I. Angus gets in the quarterback's path and takes him out, flipping the kid over his head. The ball is fumbled, landing in Rick's hands. As Angus tries to shake off the impact, Rick runs and makes the winning touchdown. The crowd rushes the field and completely ignores Angus, carrying Rick off in triumph. "Just once, I wanted to know what it would feel like to be like him." Well, the first step is to stop washing your hair for a month or two.

School. Students slo-mo off the buses as the Goo Goo Dolls seduce you into buying the soundtrack. In science class, Angus is explaining his science project. "I'm trying to prove that if you put a small abnormal element in a large homogeneous system, the system will reject the deviation..." Oh, so that's what an anvil feels like. Angus looks uncomfortable. "...usually causing a powerful exothermic reaction." He puts a drop of red stuff into a petri dish of blue stuff; there is a small explosion and puff of smoke. The bell rings. Rick stares at Angus as he gets ready to go. As he and his cronies file past, they dis Angus's science. The teacher, who plays one of the nurses on ER, tells Angus that the principal wants to see him. In the principal's office, Angus sweats it out, checking his pits for stank. The principal walks in and does that obnoxious Regis thing: "Your application to Jefferson......has........beeeeen.......accepted!" Angus is delighted. "Jefferson is the best magnet school in the district. You'll have to do a science project." Uh...magnet school? Is this a real thing? With, like, Holding Stuff To Refrigerators 101? "Of course, if you don't go, I won't have to worry about losing our best J/V tackle, Angus..." Exposition or evil principal? We shall see. Or we won't.

Angus's house. Angus is arm-wrestling with his mom. "Mom says I'm perfect, but that's coming from someone who drives a truck, and whose CB handle is 'Bruiser.'" No kidding. My mom's CB handle was "Dandelion." Much more feminine. Anyway, when he tells her about the interview with Jefferson, she goes all gooey and hugs him. She's all over him like white on rice, or grease on Dawson's hair. Angus manages to tear himself away and go wake his grandfather, who is played by...oh, George. Oh, George. It's George C. Scott. Angus wakes him by putting a record on his Victrola; it's the Army Bugle song, so named because I can't spell reveille or revielle or whatever it's really called. The three sit down to dinner and complain at each other for the five minutes. Here's the deal: Grampa's getting married, undesirable family is coming to the wedding, Grampa falls asleep a lot. Let's move on.

At school, Angus and Troy are eating lunch at some greasy spoon across the street. Angus and Troy banter about Troy's Walkman; he's listening for a Green Day song so he can win tickets. Angus notices Rick and Melissa dining at the Lucky Sperm Club table. Rick notices Angus right back and offers his best shit-eating grin. What is this, The Talented Mr. Angus? Stop that! Troy tells Angus not to expect any lovin' if he transfers to Jefferson. "You'll become a science geek! No way you're gonna get babes! Girls don't want brains! They want guys who are dangerous, have tattoos, play the guitar..." Man, this is every conversation I ever had in high school. And most of college. It's creepin' me out. "You play the accordion," Angus counters. "You could make a living playing the accordion. You're good at it." "You could make a living eating food. You're good at that." "You're short!" "You're fat!" "You're pathetic!" "You're..." Troy takes a moment. "Fat!" They high-five. Don't ask me what the hell that was about.