Props to the millions of bacteria that have flooded my sinuses and swollen my head in an homage to James Van Der Beek.
Previously on DC: a blonde girl -- what's her name again? "Jane," "Joan," something like that? -- suggested to Tobey that, if he Likes Jack That Way, he become friends with Jack; Mr. Brooks and Grams both lectured Dawson on gathering love's rosebuds while ye may, and Dawson flared his nostrils judgily at them; Gretchen worried that she'd hurt Dawson, but Dawson urged her to live in the now; Contrivance ran up a big old long-distance bill and got cracker crumbs in the couch.
Fade up at the International House Of Fishcakes. Gretchen "Oldschlager" Witter is on the phone with a friend when Gale "Waistless Hussy" Leery comes up to the bar and snippily asks what became of Table 9's Cabernet: "I asked you for it ten minutes ago." Gretchen blames "Friday-night frenzy," saying that they've already gone through a lot of wine, which means that the restaurant's "having an amazing night." Gale rolls her eyes and bitches about getting the orders to the tables, and maybe if Gretchen "weren't taking personal calls, [she'd] have time to get the other case" of Cabernet. She waddles off in a huff ("wuffles"?); Gretchen looks taken aback. Enter Dawson "Werner Assbinder" Leery, carrying a case of the Cab and saying that it took him a while to find it. Gretchen dispatches a glass of it to Table 9 and asks if Gale "is this edgy at home too," or if it's Gretchen in particular that has Gale's "knickers in a twist." I say that all the time -- shout-out? Dawson, who has a new hairdon't that manages to combine the weird parasitical-anemone shape of his season-three style with the limp slipperiness of the current season, blames the pregnancy hormones. Right -- because a pregnant woman can't just get into a bad mood. Gretchen asks again whether it has anything to do with her and Dawson as a couple. Dawson snorts that Gale "loves" Gretchen. Gretchen says sure, as Pacey's sister and the IHOF's "ever-trusty barkeep," but "as Mrs. Robinson, maybe not." "Ever-trusty"? "Barkeep"? Shut up, Gretchen. Dawson arches an eyebrow and dismisses this. Gretchen blah blah "incredibly hostile vibe" bling blay "nothing to do with me" bloo blee "we're goodand we're good together" blah blah blah and then I find myself rocketing through a galactic wormhole with colored lights flashing brightly all around me, and then a bright light blinds me, and then I find myself in a bedroom with weird floor lighting, and then I see myself as an old woman eating dinner, and then I see myself dying, and then bummm bummm bummm BA DUMMM (bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum) I've become a fetus orbiting the earth, the conversation goes on that long, and the terrifying strains of Richard Strauss surround the transparent womb in which I circle the planet as Gretchen proposes that Dawson meet her friends, and Dawson looks afraid and equivocates, and a chimp seated beside a black monolith throws a bone up in the air, and then Gretchen biffs a rule of English usage, and then there's banter, and cue a cat strapped into the Coney Island teacups ride as Gretchen reassures Dawson, "Just be yourself, they'll love you." No comment. Leaning towards a kiss, they get busted by a glowering Gale.
Dear Denise Richards: 14:52. Get a good money manager. Love, your career.
The Yacht Club. Non-Liz Non-Claiborne reminds Drue "So Stop Calling Me!" Valentine that she gives him "a lot of leeway around here," so he'd better do as she says. Drue snarks that she's starting to resemble "a Disney villainess," and stomps off past Joey "'Tude Law" Potter. Does Joey want something? Joey lies that she doesn't. NLNC sees through her and theorizes that Joey wants time off for the "upcoming senior trip." Long story short, Joey must bring Pacey on a double date with Drue and the daughter of the Yacht Club board's president, and make sure said daughter has a "nice time"; if a nice time is achieved, Joey gets the time off. If not, NLNC will see that Joey works every weekend shift for the rest of time. Joey, beaten, says with a smirk, "When should we be ready?"
Brookshaven. "Our" Mr. Brooks and Dawson confer over footage; Mr. Brooks sits in a wheelchair. "Love Is A Many-Splendored" Grams Ryan comes in with a tray of pills for Mr. Brooks and suggests taking a break. Dawson comments that, "much as [he hates] to stop," he has lunch plans. Grams puts the tray down and goes to get "another bottle of pills," although the closed captions have her saying "another bottle of Percocet," so obviously Mr. Brooks is in some pain. Anyway, after she leaves the room, Mr. Brooks stage-whispers to Dawson that he needs a favor -- he can't get to the store on his own to get his prescriptions anymore, and he hates that Grams has to take him. "Yeah, whatever I can do to help," Dawson says. Mr. Brooks whips out a blue-backed document and tells Dawson to sign it, adding a little too quickly that the document contains "just lawyer talk, legalese, gobbledy-gook." "Saying what, exactly?" Dawson asks, starting to skim the papers, and Mr. Brooks lies that it authorizes Dawson to act as his go-fer. He avoids Dawson's gaze really obviously before turning back to him with an overly encouraging smile. Predictably, Dawson is flattered; Mr. Brooks tells him to hurry up and sign before Grams gets back, because he doesn't want to "hurt her feelings," and just as predictably, Dawson signs the document without reading it. Gee, I don't suppose that's going to come up again later, do you? Good thing it's totally kosher for a minor to authorize documents without a guardian -- or a witness of any sort, for that matter -- present. Not. It isn't. Anyway, Dawson finishes putting the "not" in "notary public" just as Grams bustles back into the room and hands Mr. Brooks his dosage, and Mr. Brooks hurriedly stuffs the papers down the back of his pants. Dawson leaves, saying he'll return in an hour. Mr. Brooks begins taking his parade of pills, groaning slightly, but as Grams passes his chair, saying something about a phone call from the nursing agency, Mr. Brooks pockets the pills instead of swallowing them. Then he grumps typically about something so that Grams won't suspect anything, and she shoots him a "whatever" look.