Do I need to make the turkey joke? No? Good. Big ups to Wing Chun and Glark, whose presence on my couch during this incomprehensibly boring episode almost made watching it bearable. Almost.
Previously on Dawson's Creek: Molly told Jack that a couple of her pee-wee soccer teammates quit the team because of Jack; Mr. Brooks chewed Dawson out, and shortly thereafter received a love letter signed "The World"; Drue ratted himself and Jen out and got them community service for The E-Tarts Incident, and then he tried to smarm on her some more but Jen had none of it; the ER recap bludgeoned Sars into submission.
Fade up on the interior of Capeside High. Twinkly, noir-ish music lifted directly from the soundtrack of Living In Oblivion takes us past an anonymous student in super-low-riding cords, an anonymous yawning teacher (can I get an "amen"?), and various other extras, and then the camera zooms up to a vest-wearing kid all Three O'Clock High-style as Vesty yells out that everyone has to come see "what they did to the swimming pool." All the other kids in the hall go running after Vesty. Whatever, kids. Get hobbies.
Cut to the swimming pool, where a crowd -- including a couple of swim-team guys in retro Speedos -- points and laughs. Joey "Paging Alberto VO5" Potter chuckles that "you don't see this every day," and Jack "Boys On The Side -- If By 'On The Side' You Mean 'Out Of The Picture Entirely'" McPhee laughs delightedly. Mitch "The Flash" Leery pushes his way through the crowd, stops, and smiles. Pan through the legs of the assembled to show the source of all the so-called merriment: a small schooner, its sail painted with "Class of 2001" and a golden retriever perched on top, floating in the pool. "What the hell is this?" a jovial Flash wants to know. "That's my boat, and my dog," snaps Principal Derek Smalls, who must have racked up some serious losses at the local OTB in order to warrant an appearance on DC. A couple of the swim-team guys splash into the pool and pull the boat to the side so that the dog can disembark, and Jack giggles some more. Enter Dawson "Dippity Don't" Leery to smile smugly and comment, "I shoulda thought of this." Joey tells him that she thinks it's out of his league. Heh. And speaking of things that people "shoulda thought of," perhaps the writers could have considered the fact that there's no door in that building big enough to permit the entrance of that boat. Or that we don't really care much either way. Right, carry on. The dog jumps down onto the pool apron; Principal Smalls calls the dog, who doesn't come, choosing instead to stand in front of Jack and bark accusingly at Jack's crotch. Insert your own "that's the most play Jack's gotten all season" joke here. As the retriever continues to point at Jack's action, Principal Smalls asks, "Do you know that dog, Mr. McPhee?" "No," Jack says uncomfortably, and stuffs his hands guiltily into his pockets. The students around Jack titter. The Flash looks stern. I dig into the bag of recently-delivered Chinese food and find a chopstick with which to jab Wing Chun in the ribs so that we have a prayer of staying awake for even part of the forty-seven minutes.
Cut back to Pacey as The Flash tears into his role of good cop with relish: "We're on your side, Pacey." But they have to get to the bottom of the mystery. The Whodunnit Saxophone tootles. The Flash says that "circumstances require" that they consider Pacey as a possible suspect.
Cut back to Dawson, asking what circumstances The Flash is referring to. The Flash reminds him that, as The Flash's son, Dawson would have access to the school's master keys.
Cut back to Pacey again, looking like he just ate a bug while Principal Smalls blathers on about the recent demise of the "True Love" and the fact that Pacey had access to the keys to the boat storage facility where Smalls's boat resided at the time of the "boatnapping." Mmmmm. Napping. Excellent plan.
Cut back to Jack, wearing a downright hilarious look of asperity while Smalls expositions that the dog disappeared between ten o'clock and noon. So, Smalls adds, Jack just has to provide an alibi for the morning of the day. Artsy zoom into Jack's eyeball.
Artsy zoom back out to Jack standing on the stoop of the Ryan Home For Wayward Girls with a bouquet of yellow roses, smooshing his face on the screen and groaning at Jen to "come on!" Tee hee! Jack = cute. Jen "The Accused" Lindley toddles drowsily out the front door, murmuring that she's still asleep and "this is a dream in which you're heterosexual." Oh, ha ha. Oh, not. Jack smirks, "Yeah -- these are for Grams. Can you open the door, please? I've got something way better for you." I have no comment. Jen wonders, "What could possibly be better than a dapper young lad bearing a floral arrangement?" Jack tells her that he asked if she could fulfill her community-service requirement by helping him out with pee-wee soccer, and they -- whether he means "they" the pee-wee soccer people or "they" the local youth-offenders' program, I don't know -- said yes. Jen says she's better qualified to pick up trash on the highway than to work with kids. Jack pleads that he needs her -- since Andie left, he's swamped, he can't get the soccer parents to help, and his "star goalie" broke his leg. Jen submits to the guilt trip and agrees to pitch in. Jack hands her the flowers and makes a point of saying for the benefit of the radio listeners, the Amish, and people who have never read a mystery novel before that he'll come back at "12:45 sharp" to pick her up. She asks where he's going, he should stay, she'll make eggs, but he has to go meet Drue at the hardware store, and when Jen asks why, he says that "it's a karma thing" and he's "gotta run." I head up to the roof and peer through my binoculars to see the so-called plot so-called twist crossing the Snake River.