Props to Demian for posting the picture of Dawson crying on the forums, to Liz, our own Deep Throat, and to Sars, who'll be taking over my half of the show year. Sars, you know I'm always here for you in the unlikely event that you run out of jokes to make about Dawson's hair/head/jaw/behaviour/virginity/smell. But I don't think you will.
This year on Dawson's Creek? Okay, fine. Joey came on to Dawson. Dawson turned her down cold -- and I do mean cold. Dawson asked Pacey to look out for her. Pacey and Joey fell in love. Dawson made an ass of himself upon discovering it. Mick Jagger phoned Dawson and performed a special rendition of "You Can't Always Get What You Want," but Dawson put the phone on mute. Sars and Wing Chun logged a total of ninety-three hours and over $8000 in long-distance charges on the Not! Line.
It's a sunshine day in downtown Capeside. Dawson "Jaw-liver Stone" Leery and The Flash run into Joey "Boomerang" Potter and The Once and Future Bride of Flash, who are loaded down with shopping bags, emerging from a boutique. The Flash greets his bride-to-be "and her maid of honour," like how sad is it that Gale -- a woman surely pushing forty if not pulling it -- has to ask her son's teenaged friend to stand up for her at her wedding? Doesn't she have a college roommate? A former colleague at the TV station? A current colleague at the restaurant? Hell, even Grams would be a more appropriate matron of honour than Joey. Anyway, the Flashes embrace, and she yammers on a bit about the dresses and the cake, and then they take off down the street to make more plans for their sad little retreading -- oops! I mean "wedding." Watching them go, Dawson comments that his parents are as happy as he's ever seen them, and he and Joey awkwardly chit-chat about the ring. When Dawson asks after the dresses, Joey briefly complains about "the unflattering nature of bridesmaids' dresses," and Dawson effusively assures her, "I'm sure you'll look amazing," which is met with even more awkward silence, so he thanks her "again" for agreeing to be his mother's maid of honour. Joey casually says that it was an honour when his mother asked her, and that she couldn't refuse. Dawson, naturally, fails to notice that Joey is deflecting all talk of her involvement in this affair away from him, and says, "I know it means a lot to her, but it also means a lot to me. I couldn't imagine you not being a part of the ceremony [but...it's not your wedding; why should you imagine anything about it?], and in spite of any awkwardness that this might stir up --" "You know what? It's an important day for your parents, and I'm not counting on it changing either of our lives, so it's not going to stir anything up unless we let it, right?" Joey blurts, actually saying everything appropriate to the situation, for once. Dawson, a little nonplussed, says, "My point exactly -- yeah." Joey tries to scurry off, saying she has something borrowed but nothing blue yet -- isn't that just for the bride? -- but before she can escape, Dawson intones, "Shouldn't be too hard. Seems to be some of that going around these days." Huh?
Sars: Not! Line.
Wedding II: The Hair-etic. Dawson clinks his champagne glass and launches into his toast. He says that the first time his parents got married, they were very young: "I remember looking at the photo album as a kid, wondering why I wasn't in any of the pictures. It's hard when you love someone that much to imagine them having this entire life that you weren't even there for." First of all, it's reassuring in a way to know that even as a kid, Dawson was trying to make things All About Him, including events that took place before he was born. Second, he still hasn't learned that the people he loves have lives that very often have nothing to do with him. Third -- just shut up, Dawson. He goes on to say that being here today, and "finally getting to be in all the pictures," he wouldn't trade it for anything, because he'd much rather be a part of what his parents have now than what they had then: "That point where everything is forgiven. And I think that's what love really means -- that you can forgive anything." Joey looks stricken, probably because she knows he doesn't and can't mean it. Dawson concludes: "So, to my parents, who taught me that love does not conquer all -- that love ends, and begins again." Everyone drinks. Joey regards him. I chew my black licorice cigar and pray for release, which is, by my count, only about twelve minutes away.
Oh no, here it comes. The scene that launched a thousand promos. Dawson stands on the pier. Joey walks up to him and tells him his speech was beautiful. Dawson is hyperventilating as he thanks her. She asks if he meant what he said, and he says, "Every word. Which is why you should turn around and go. To Pacey....Last year you had the opportunity to go to Paris and study and because of me, you didn't." Dawson's hair looks like a yellow sea anemone, undulating in the breeze. Joey protests that he isn't the reason she didn't go, which is a lie, and Dawson says, "Yes, it was my fault, because I should have made you go. But I was selfish, and I didn't want you to go; I wanted you to stay here with me, and I refuse to make that mistake again." Too late, but whatever. Joey asks, "Well, Dawson, I mean, what if it's my choice -- I mean, what if I want to stay?" I mean, you've never been able to make that choice freely because he's restrained you or yelled at you every time you've tried, and I mean, stop saying "I mean," and read your lines properly.
Dawson says, "Joey, come on. Even I can see it. Pacey is this year's Paris. And this time you have to go. You have to see for yourself, all right? I can stand here and tell you that it's a colossal mistake and that all roads'll lead back to me [OH MY GOD, arrogant, much?], but that's not going to make any bit of difference [particularly if it's not true]. Words and speeches sound great, but they don't add up to anything. All that matters right now is what you want." By this point they're both crying. Joey claims she doesn't know what she wants, but Dawson says, "Yes, you do. You want him. You want him like I want you -- you love him like I love you. The only difference is he loves you back the same way. And you deserve that. Okay? And I'm not going to be the one who stands in the way of you getting that." I think he left "anymore" off the end of that line. He adds, "You're free. You can do whatever you want." OH MY GOD she was never yours to "free"! GET OVER YOURSELF, HEADY LAMARR! Joey sobs, "But Dawson, I want us to still be friends, and I want to know that you don't hate me!" Dawson shakes his head: "Those are words, Joey. They're just words. 'Cause after you're done dispensing your pleasantries here, you're going to turn around, and you're going to walk away from me. Aren't you." Hell no, Fugly Bogart -- she's going to RUN. Joey says, "I have to, otherwise I'll never know." "Just go," Dawson commands her. "Jo, go, I'm telling you, before I take it all back, all right. Just go! GO!" Joey turns, and as soon as she's looking the other way, Dawson's face crumples into the most hideously misguided man-crying scene since Luke Skywalker learned the truth about his father in The Empire Strikes Back: "Noooooooo! That's not true! That's impossible!" Joey runs through the wedding. Dawson collapses in a heap of moist sobbing goo on the dock. Looks good on you, ass. Looks great. Everything else that follows in this, my last Dawson's Creek episode, is secondary to the glorious, generous sendoff I got in watching as Dawson got a tiny glimpse of what kind of horrible monster he really is. For once, I have to thank the DC writers for their gift. I'll always treasure it.
Wing Chun: You know, when they have a montage that long, it really makes it seem like a lot has happened this year.
Sars: And yet it totally hasn't. Have you noticed that when Dawson isn't being pissy, he isn't making any damn sense?
Wing Chun: I was just thinking that! So, will this be the episode in which the word "fishcakes" is uttered?
Sars: Oh, man.
Wing Chun: Because they're running out of time. And what a sendoff that would be.
Sars: Man, WHAT a sendoff!
Wing Chun: Dude. Dude!
Sars: Shall we place a bet on it?
Wing Chun: Okay. I bet five Canadian chocolate bars that they will say it.
Sars: And I will wager five Nutragei that they won't.
Wing Chun: You're on. Oh, it's back.
At the dock, "Deputy" Doug Witter is asking whether Pacey "Semester at Sea" Witter thinks the trip he's planned is such a good idea. Pacey grouchily assures him that he's already cleared it with the sheriff, and that he plans to stay close to shore the whole time and call every week. Deputy Doug folds his arms and says that's not what he was talking about. Pacey continues to load supplies in the hold as he says, "Are you gonna miss me? Is that it, Doug?" Deputy Doug rather kindly says, "What you think you're leaving behind here is just going to be that much bigger when you're out there all alone. Does Joey know you're leaving?" Pacey says that if she does, he didn't tell her. Deputy Doug says, "So I guess she doesn't really know how you feel about her, either." Why do people keep saying that? They did it all over "Show Me Love", too, like, these people have only spent the whole season telling each other how much they like each other. SHE KNOWS. Which is pretty much what Pacey says. Deputy Doug asks, "Have you spelt it out for her?" Uh, Joey's an honours student, not a half-wit. I think she's already gotten the gist. Deputy Doug continues: "I mean, in clear, unwavering terms? Have you done that?" Pacey asks what Deputy Doug thinks would happen if Pacey did so, and Deputy Doug says, "Worst case? Nothing. Best case, she gives you a reason to stay." Pacey scoffs, "You see, that right there is what happens to the male mind when it's exposed to too many Katharine Hepburn movies." Like, say, The Philadelphia Story? In which a boat called "True Love" is a major plot point? Maybe that one in particular, huh, writers? See, all that was my way of letting you know that I GET IT. Deputy Doug dribbles something about Pacey's seeing Joey's face in the stars, and adds, "You can't run away from her." Pacey mutters, "Well, I can try." You know who can run away from her? Me. And I will be running away from her in...oh, I'd say about fifty minutes of video from now.
In an otherwise empty hall at Capeside High, Jack "Jackers's Hollywood Screen Kiss" McPhee and Jen "Quarterback Mattress" Lindley are cleaning out their lockers. Jen comments on the "pleasing symmetry" of her reunion with Jack: "You, me, together again -- president and vice-president of the Bitter Club, reunited for one last session." Shout-out? Jack tells her that he's not bitter, and, proving that misery loves company, Jen snorts, "Oh, yeah, sure -- everybody wants their prom night to end with the person that they are most attracted to in the whole entire world speeding away from them on a commuter train." Jen glances up as a very greasy and hollow-eyed Henry "Varsity Snooze" Parker trudges in, wearing a bright orange t-shirt and clean denim shorts that are totally at odds with his general demeanour; his face and hair would be more at home in a Robert Smith special from 1986. Jen hurries over to Jack and mutters, "Hey, Jack, when he comes over here, would you mind telling him that I still mean everything that I said, that I haven't changed my mind, and that I hope that football camp in Cleveland is sweaty, gross, girl-free, not to mention painful and debilitating?" I've driven through Cleveland, and I think that description goes for the entire city. On the other hand, the "painful and debilitating" part might be another shout-out. Jack sighs, "Do you realize how immature this is?" Jen considers, then fixes Jack with an exasperated look and stomps back to her locker. Henry stalks up behind her and makes like a vulture. Jen keeps her head in her locker. Henry snorts, then goes over to Jack and asks him to tell Jen that Henry left his copy of Siddhartha in her locker. Only he pronounces it like "Sid Arthur" instead of "Siddharta" which makes it all the harder to imagine Henry reading the back of his box of Wheaties, much less an allegory about Eastern mysticism. Like, if you'd said he was trying to retrieve his copy of Helter Skelter -- I might have believed that. Or The Hardy Boys and the Tower Treasure. Or Pat the Bunny. Anyway, Jack simply says, "No," since Jen is standing not two feet away from them. Henry begs Jack to be his proxy, which request Jack correctly declares is "ridiculous," but he eventually relents and stagily announces, "Hey, Jen? Guess what? Henry's come over here with this ridiculously lame Siddhartha-related [which Jack also mispronounces] pretext because he's secretly hoping that you'll give him another chance." Henry feebly tells her that's not what he said. Jen walks toward them and tells Jack to tell Henry that if he wants his book back, "he should start digging." Jack says, "Translation: She threw it away because it's a painful reminder of how much she regrets freaking out like a total drama queen and breaking up with you at the prom." Jen protests that she is not a drama queen (false), and that she isn't the only one who freaked out (true). Jack jokes that "personal affront must be the going rate for converting young-lover subtext to text." Heh. Henry stomps over to agree with Jack that neither he nor Jen is being very direct: "So how's this? I'm sorry." Jen sarcastically says, "You know what, Henry? I'm sorry, too. I'm sorry that we ever met." Then she reaches into his chest, pulls out his beating heart, does the mashed potato on it, scoops it up using a sheaf of papers from her locker, and dumps it in the trash can, along with Siddhartha. Okay, I'm sorry that they ever met, but even I think that remark of Jen's was pretty harsh. Henry breathes, "That's too bad. Because I'm not. You have nothing else you want to say to me?" Jen turns around and chirps, "No! Nothing." Henry chokes, "I guess that finishes that," and stumbles out of the school. For the sake of his football-camp busmates, I hope he's on his way to TAKE A SHOWER.
Andie "Perkodan" McPhee appears at the door of the Reconciliation Ranch, where preparations for Wedding II: Adulterers on Patrol are already underway. Dawson greets her and apologizes for the surroundings, which are "a little hectic." Andie says she supposes that's why he left school without signing her yearbook, which she hands to him with the fakest and saddest little giggle ever committed to video. Dawson laughs at her "unswerving devotion to high school ritual" and marvels that she would pay $34.95 (wow, for that price the yearbook should come with an interactive CD-ROM -- and that CD-ROM should have porn on it) "so that one day [she] could look back on the disaster otherwise known as junior year." Geez, Dawson, why don't you just take a shit and wipe your ass in her yearbook, because I don't think that remark quite degraded her -- and her interest in you -- quite enough. He opens the book to the blank inside cover, but she tells him she's already marked the page she wants him to sign, and flips to an inner page she's marked with a Post-It™ flag, featuring a candid shot of Pacey and Dawson, smiling. He sternly observes that "subtlety is not exactly [her] forte," and she tells him about Pacey's trip. Tightly, Dawson mutters, "Good for him." Andie says that she's hosting a "little sendoff" (shout-out?) the night, but Dawson cuts her off before she can continue by saying that the rehearsal dinner is the same night: "So, even if I wanted to go, WHICH I DON'T..." like I think we get it, Fuggleupagus, GOD. Andie moistly informs him, "One of you is going to have to make the first move," and Dawson primly replies, "Well, it's not going to be me, and it's not going to be tomorrow night." He claps the book closed and hands it back to her, telling her he "signed the page with all the faculty head shots." Well, at least on that page, as opposed to a page featuring YOUR head shot, THERE'S ROOM. He stomps over to the door in a pretty clear "fuck you, get out" gesture, and she declares, "Dawson, for what it's worth, I'm not over the pain of this yet, either. Letting go isn't a one-time thing -- it's something that you have to do over and over again, every day." Dawson stares And
ie down impassively, and she shrugs and leaves.Joey drives down the street. Deputy Doug pulls her over allegedly for driving under the speed limit, but really to tell her about Pacey's trip.
Pacey comes out of a market with a bag and a THREE MUSKETEERS bar. You know? Three musketeers? Like he, Dawson, and Joey have been throughout their whole adolescence, or at least until Jen came along and porked it all up? Get it? Do you get it? Are you sure you get it? Because I AM! Anyway, Joey is waiting outside for him with a death look, and demands, "This is your solution?...You're leaving?...Just when things get tough, you're going to pack up and leave?" Pacey says, "That's the general idea, yeah." Joey snots that his plan is immature, and he asks, "Well, what do you want me to do? Sit around all summer and watch from afar as you and Dawson attempt to resuscitate your ailing relationship? No thanks." (Shout-out?)
Joey says she expected him at least to say goodbye. Pacey scoffs, "Aw, yeah, the goodbye scene -- played that one over a thousand times in my head. I come to you, heart in hand, and announce my plans. You look at me -- pained -- but then, of course, the Potter sarcasm kicks in, and I leave, never getting what I came for." Joey asks what it is that he "came for," and he explains, "You never ask me to stay. Ever." Joey protests that his staying or going isn't her decision, and Pacey says it is, and always has been: "You may be too afraid to make it, but let's be honest with each other, here -- the decision to be together or not be together has always been yours." She insists that she only asked for time to make the decision, and Pacey tells her, "That's exactly what you got. And you're going to get three more months of it." Joey gets in his face and says, "You know, I may be undecided, Pacey, but at least I'm not running away." Pacey eats his chocolate bar, unmoved. She continues: "You can dress it up any way you want, but it still comes down to the same thing: You're giving up." Pacey, bitterly amused: "I'm giving up....Me?" Joey nods, and Pacey tells her to turn around. She does, and he says, "It's your wall. It's unfinished. Just. Like. Us." Joey sighs, and turns back to say, "You know, believe it or not, Pacey, this is not the ending that I asked for." "Me neither, but it's the ending we got, isn't it," he replies. Joey sets her jaw, and then says, "Yeah, I guess it is," and stomps off. Pacey regards the wall, and chews.
Wing Chun: Not! Line.
Sars: Henry needs to go to shampoo camp.
Wing Chun: He can bunk with Vincent from Judging Amy.
Sars: What was that? He looked so streamlined.
Wing Chun: It was bad.
Sars: Oh, I hate this chick.
Wing Chun: In the ad?
Sars: Yeah, the Kodak girl. She looks like a fish.
Wing Chun: And what is that store with the silver bubbles? It's in every shot. And --
Sars: Oh, it's back.
At a makeshift altar, the minister takes the Flashes through their paces. Dawson and Joey each stand behind the Flash they're attending; Dawson shoots Joey a smug romancin' look, and Joey stares back, looking nauseous. The Imminent Mrs. Flash reminds the minister that she's been through it already, and that she has people coming for dinner, so he should speed it up. Well, that's nice. Why have a rehearsal at all, then? The minister tells them to take off, leaving Dawson and Joey alone at the altar.
Dawson tells Joey he hasn't finished his Best Man speech, which is hardly surprising -- what does Dawson know from being the Best Man? Joey is looking away and broadcasting her lack of interest from every pore when he prompts her, "Any thoughts?" Hunched over so much that it's clear she's trying to make herself disappear, Joey distractedly replies, "Oh, I don't think I have much to say about relationships these days, Dawson." Dawson knits his huge black eyebrows together into a hairy, impenetrable berm protecting his beady eyes from potential forehead subsidence, and snaps, "If you have someplace else you'd rather be, why don't you just go?" Instead of hoofing it out of there fast enough to leave a Joey-shaped puff of smoke where she's currently standing, Joey sputters, "What are you talking about?" Dawson pouts, "Do I have to spell it out for you? Pacey's going-away party." Joey shifts her weight from one leg to the other and then sunnily points out, "I'm here, aren't I?" Dawson snorts with enough force to propel a nearby squirrel into the creek, and mutters, "Yeah, in body, but not in spirit. You've got nothing positive to say! You're basically going through the motions with a scowl on your face!" First of all, Dawson, no matter the other ways you've learned to control Joey, it's true that you still haven't mastered a stranglehold on her "spirit." She's there in body; be grateful you got her that far. And second, your parents don't seem to notice or care that she's just "going through the motions"; it's not her own wedding, and it's not even their first wedding, so from where I sit, the entire exercise amounts to little more than "going through the motions." Third, the Red Cross called; they need your pants to make tents for a Bosnian refugee camp. Fourth, SHOVE IT, SIDEWAYS. Anyway, Dawson's little outburst manages to provoke Joey's "spirit," and she says, "Dawson, I am doing the best I can! Can you cut me some slack?" "Cut me some slack, Joey! Don't make me feel like this!" Dawson whines. Joey asks how she is making him feel, and he replies, "Like you're stuck with me! All right? I don't deserve that." Please. You make her feel like she's stuck with you when you build roadblocks between her and every other option, so -- hey -- why don't you both cut me some slack already?! Joey folds like a card table and mutters, "You're right. You don't. I'm sorry." Dawson swings his torso to the left and sighs and tells her, "Why don't you just go. All right? Give the guy my best." Joey takes a deep breath and declares, "I'm staying," walking off, presumably to take her Prozac. Dawson sneers at her departing figure.
Despite the fact that at the pre-dinner rehearsal, the sun was shining so brightly that Dawson had to squint through his entire conversation with Joey, at the dock picnic -- going on at the same time -- night has fallen and Grams "Boot Alors!" Ryan is encouraging Pacey, Jen, Jack, and Andie to wish on the stars that have just come out. Before they can, Jen starts complaining about chipping a tooth on a crab shell, saying that the resulting damage will "keep men away" from her forever. Andie chirps, "Well, if that doesn't work, you can join me this summer in the nunnery!" Jack grunts, "Hey, at least you get to have relationships before they fail." Grams snaps, "Good grief, you all sound like a bunch of old ladies." Ha!
Andie makes the fatal mistake of trying to contradict Grams, by telling her "it's been a tough couple of months," but Grams rolls right over her: "You don't know what 'tough' is!" Hell yeah, and that is something these brats don't hear enough. As I pre-emptively put Jen's name on the Disabled List, Jen smarts off, "Grams, no offense, but you have no idea what our lives are like." Grams asks, "What, you think I've never been in love before?" Jen snots, "Yeah, once, with one man, your whole entire life." Grams settles down to drop some science about a boy she met when she was working in a naval hospital, with whom she spent a single, great day, even though he was shipping out the day. He asked her to wait for him, and she froze and didn't kiss him. Jack asks her if she ever wonders what her life would be like if she had kissed him, and she says, "That is just the point: I don't have to wonder." The day, she spent seven hours in the cargo hold of a ship, ended up in San Diego, went straight to the dock, and kissed him in front of his whole crew. Jen muses that she had no idea Gramps was in the Korean War, and in a "duh" voice, Grams replies, "He wasn't. Thomas Culpepper, the boy with the most beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen, died in Pu Sang, in shallow water, before he ever made it off the boat." See? That is tough, you pathetic bunch of spoiled-ass whiners. Grams concludes, "Two years later I married [Jen's] grandfather. So, I've had forty-six wonderful years with one man, and one perfect kiss with another, and I have no regrets. I wonder how many of you will be able to say that about your lives." Go Grams R., go Grams R., go!
At the rehearsal dinner, Dawson looks for Joey and finds her moping on the Leery dock. He sighs loudly at the sight of her, then walks out to tell her that Bessie called and asked her to stop by the store on the way home. Joey distractedly thanks him, and Dawson moans, "Joey, about this afternoon -- I don't want to fight. That's the last thing I want to do." Well, a good way not to fight is to QUIT PICKING FIGHTS, Fugnaut! Joey says she doesn't want to fight, either, and that she's sorry. Dawson gazes at her fondly, each "dishevelled" hair sculpted into tiny strands that spell "Loser" across his colossal brow. Joey takes a deep breath, laces up her shoes, and prepares to tell Dawson's heart she's just joined the cast of the Broadway sensation Stomp: "If we're going to have an honest relationship, Dawson, then there's something you should know. I broke things off with Pacey not entirely but in large part because I didn't want to lose you. I may have lived across the creek, but it's only when I was rowing in this direction that I actually felt like I was rowing home. I mean, you're so much of my life, Dawson. I mean, your house is my house, and your family is my family, and there's not a single significant event that I've experienced that you haven't experienced with me, and I was so afraid of losing that. But that wasn't the choice, and if I thought that there was a chance that you would forgive me, I may have chosen differently. And you deserve to know that." Dawson looks away, pursing his lips into that cat's-ass shape we all know and despise. Joey, you kissed that cat's ass. How do you sleep at night?
Jen rides shotgun in Grams's town car, with Jack and Andie in the back. Jen pouts, and Grams asks her what's wrong. Jen moistly declares that she wishes she hadn't let Henry go without telling him how she feels, but now it's too late. Grams wisely reminds her, "It's never too late." Jen dismissively mutters, "Yeah, I suppose." Grams snaps, "Here's what I suppose," and goes all Grams in Sixty Seconds, whipping the car around in a U-turn and tearing off in the opposite direction, mowing down the requisite garbage cans in the process. Jen cries, "What are you doing?" and Grams steadily informs her that they're going to catch Henry's bus so that Jen can tell him how she feels. While I enjoy Grams's efforts, I can't help thinking the object they're meant to achieve just is not worth it.
Joey walks down the sidewalk with a paper bag in her hand. She reflexively turns to look at her wall, across which is painted, "ASK ME TO STAY" in huge brown letters. Pacey ambles up and asks, "What took you so long?" He reaches into her bag and takes a swig out of the milk jug she'd just bought, as she continues staring dumbly at the wall, and back at Pacey, who explains, "I got thirsty. I called Bessie, Bessie called you. I tell you, it is not easy work finishing things off." Joey shakes her head and asks, "Pacey, what does this mean?" He replies, "Well, it means you were right -- that my leaving would be giving up on you, and I'm not quite prepared to do that just yet. But it also means that I need to know that you're not quite prepared to give up on me yet either." Joey seems to gasp silently for breath. Pacey concludes: "So, all that being said, I refer to the wall, with its hastily- yet adoringly-written S.O.S., which I guess kind of speaks for itself." Joey eyes him warily. Pacey adds, "I spent an hour and a half staring at this half-painted wall after we talked last night. Just staring and thinking. So, the way I figure it, it's your turn to stare now." He wanders off. And stare she does.
Wedding II: The Wrath of Yawn. Okay, Gale, I know you've just started a new business and that sometimes that means money's tight. But if you had enough to put on this whole farce of a wedding, surely you should have had enough to buy proper trimmings for your headdress, rather than stealing the streamers off some neighbour kid's handlebars and sticking those to a white headband. Dawson stands behind the Flash, beaming in a navy blazer he must have stolen from a tour guide at the Capeside Historical Society. Joey tries valiantly to look happy for the bride and groom, but succeeds only in looking distracted. An ovary informs us, "You can't reap what you don't sow / And you can't plant in hollow ground / So let us fill this empty earth with hope / Until the rains come down." The Flashes kiss and descend from the altar, followed by Joey and Dawson, who both spot Pacey at the same time and both try to start ignoring him. Pacey looks down. I think Glark has the shirt he's wearing.
Gramsky (and Hutch) speeds along the highway, apparently having driven all night. And Jack and Andie are still being held hostage in the back! The hell? Andie whines that they've been driving for hours, and that Henry's bus could be anywhere by now. Jen observes that they might have missed him, and Grams replies that it's impossible to miss a bus full of high-school football players, which is a good point. Right on cue, they spot the bus at a rest stop. Jen leaps out and starts calling Henry's name, going halfway into the bathroom before the bus driver detains her, and Henry, standing under a shelter, hears the commotion and looks up. Jen sees him at the same time and runs over. Grams, Jack, and Andie stand by watching and the loitering football players form a crowd as Jen declares her love, and it must be said that after a night and a day in Grams's car, Jen not only walks but definitely smells like an eighteen-wheeler. Anyway, Jen admits that she is the reason they didn't have sex after prom (at which Grams smirks knowingly, like, since when does Grams want Jen to have sex?), and hauls out the hoary old chestnut about having had sex with a lot of guys but never with one she loved: "And in that way, I'm more of a virgin than you could ever be." The crowd erupts into raucous laughter (finally, a realistic teenage reaction!) and Henry ruefully says, "Thanks a lot." Jen replies, "Come on, what do you care?" They kiss. The crowd applauds and "woo!"s. I probably could care less about the love affair of Jen and Henry, but I'm not sure how.
Back at Wedding II: The Flashening, Pacey leans on the back porch watching Joey, who walks over to him to say, "Look, I can't do it, Pacey. I can't give you a reason to stay. I have so much junk to work through, I don't even know where to begin to process it all -- I mean, how I feel about you, and how I feel about Dawson...." Pacey straightens up and puts his hands on her shoulders to shut her up, saying, "Then you've made your choice. Right there, you've made your choice. Good for you." He looks down, and she shrugs and says, "I guess I have." Pacey agrees: "Yeah. Wasn't so hard, was it? Should have made it months ago, saved us all a lot of time and energy. And heartache." Dawson appears at the door in his itty-bitty blazer and Pacey chuckles bitterly. Dawson sternly notes, "I see all the members of the triangle are present and accounted for." Before Dawson can make any more of an ass of himself, requiring that editors of the Guinness Book of World Records be called out to Cape Cod on a Saturday, Joey plucks the disposable camera from his hands and says she's going to go take some pictures. As she moves off, Pacey calls after her, "Jo...I don't even get a goodbye?" Joey swallows hard and obliges: "Goodbye, Pacey." She stumbles off. Dawson manages to clench all of his facial muscles (except his nostrils, which flare like Bootsy Collins's pants) as he asks, "Just wondering -- what the hell are you doing here?" Oh, shut the fuck up, Dawson. Pacey tells Dawson he's just there for the wedding. Dawson makes some catty remark about Pacey's "sailing the seven seas," and Pacey says he's leaving the day, but that today he's here for Dawson's parents. Dawson morosely says he'll be sure to pass on Pacey's congratulations, and Pacey sighs, "Yeah, speaking of congratulations, I guess I should be passing some on to you....She made her choice, Dawson. You're it. You got what you wanted." Dawson makes a tiny moué of subdued triumph and scans the crowd of wedding celebrants, looking for his prize so that he can claim her and then lock her up in a glass case, preserving her for his pleasure forever. Pacey chuckles joylessly, and then asks, "Things are never going to be the same between us, are they?" "No," Dawson replies flatly. Pacey, count your blessings. "Yeah. Yeah, didn't think so," Pacey mutters, and wanders off.
Back at the rest stop, the Capeside party waves as Henry's bus pulls away. Grams tells Jen that she's proud of her, and Jen admits that she's happy, and then when Grams -- the woman who took the initiative and spent the time driving Jen to this point and forcing her to make herself happy -- tries to hug Jen, Jen tries to wriggle out with some ungrateful noises about "enough hugging for today." Instead of leaving Jen there and driving off with the McPhees, Grams listens as Jen tells Grams it's Jack's turn to end his "era of regret."
Wedding II: Wed Harder. Dawson and Joey dance awkwardly. It was sometime around now that Bodie originally proposed to Bessie, and she said yes, but apparently that was left on the cutting-room floor. Anyway, Dawson spouts some crap about a time when he was able to look in Joey's eyes and know what she was thinking, and I hate to be the one to explain to Dawson that those were the days before Joey had a personality and a will distinct from yours, and those days are long, long gone. On the soundtrack, Sinéad O'Connor moans, "I would have stayed if you wanted / Would have been willing / But you say I treat you so badly / Can't be forgiven," and I'm sorry but I have no idea to what that could possibly refer, not. Joey says nothing. Dawson goes on: "These days, I haven't a clue." Roger that. Joey claims, "I was just thinking about the summer, how much there's going to be to do. I mean, we didn't get a chance to spend last summer together, you and I. We're going to have a lot to catch up on." Joey's tone is bright, but her voice is breaking as she goes on, "There'll be waterskiing with your dad, and Fourth of July on Waldeck Island, and we could even go into Boston for a weekend, I mean...that would be fun." Fun like lethal injection, from the sound of it. "Yeah," Dawson agrees, staring at her quizzically. Joey tries not to sob openly as the soundtrack wails, "When you're so cruel / And so jealous / You don't think about anyone's feelings but your own!" Man, I heard that.
Grams's car pulls into the parking lot at Ethan's school. As Jack spots Ethan and runs across the quad, O'Connor moans the verse: "I don't deserve to be so lonely!" Ethan glances up and then leaps to his feet from the table where he's sitting with some other guy, saying, "Jack!" Jack beams, "Hey!" Ethan's shaggy-ass hair seems to grow before our very eyes as Ethan asks Jack what he's doing there. Jack tries to stammer an explanation and then gathers all his courage and lays one on Ethan. It's an okay kiss, but considering it only lasted, by my VCR clock, TWO SECONDS, I think the WB might have saved the paper it used to send out the thousands of press releases trumpeting their pretty pitiful spectacle. Ethan pulls away and says, "Uh, Jack, no." Jack says he knows there's people around, but he doesn't care, and that the point is he can do it, now. Ethan haltingly introduces Jack to the guy he's sitting with, Brad, whose last name, I assume, is Finn because he looks just like Riley. Softly, Jack asks, "As in, your ex-boyfriend, Brad?" Ethan says no, and Brad says, "As in his boyfriend Brad," and then says he's going to let them "talk this one out," and books.
Ethan and Jack both laugh nervously, and Ethan starts to explain, but Jack cuts him off: "It's very clear to me that I just inducted myself into the halls of the permanently pathetic." Ethan tries again, making with the "timing just isn't there" and the "Brad and I," and Jack stops him again: "I don't really want to hear about the details of your joyful reunion right now, okay?" Ethan nods, and says he's sorry, and Jack tries to be tough but he's welling up. Jack, you can do better. Call back that cute boy you stood up at the coffee shop!
Wedding II: The Hair-etic. Dawson clinks his champagne glass and launches into his toast. He says that the first time his parents got married, they were very young: "I remember looking at the photo album as a kid, wondering why I wasn't in any of the pictures. It's hard when you love someone that much to imagine them having this entire life that you weren't even there for." First of all, it's reassuring in a way to know that even as a kid, Dawson was trying to make things All About Him, including events that took place before he was born. Second, he still hasn't learned that the people he loves have lives that very often have nothing to do with him. Third -- just shut up, Dawson. He goes on to say that being here today, and "finally getting to be in all the pictures," he wouldn't trade it for anything, because he'd much rather be a part of what his parents have now than what they had then: "That point where everything is forgiven. And I think that's what love really means -- that you can forgive anything." Joey looks stricken, probably because she knows he doesn't and can't mean it. Dawson concludes: "So, to my parents, who taught me that love does not conquer all -- that love ends, and begins again." Everyone drinks. Joey regards him. I chew my black licorice cigar and pray for release, which is, by my count, only about twelve minutes away.
Oh no, here it comes. The scene that launched a thousand promos. Dawson stands on the pier. Joey walks up to him and tells him his speech was beautiful. Dawson is hyperventilating as he thanks her. She asks if he meant what he said, and he says, "Every word. Which is why you should turn around and go. To Pacey....Last year you had the opportunity to go to Paris and study and because of me, you didn't." Dawson's hair looks like a yellow sea anemone, undulating in the breeze. Joey protests that he isn't the reason she didn't go, which is a lie, and Dawson says, "Yes, it was my fault, because I should have made you go. But I was selfish, and I didn't want you to go; I wanted you to stay here with me, and I refuse to make that mistake again." Too late, but whatever. Joey asks, "Well, Dawson, I mean, what if it's my choice -- I mean, what if I want to stay?" I mean, you've never been able to make that choice freely because he's restrained you or yelled at you every time you've tried, and I mean, stop saying "I mean," and read your lines properly.
Dawson says, "Joey, come on. Even I can see it. Pacey is this year's Paris. And this time you have to go. You have to see for yourself, all right? I can stand here and tell you that it's a colossal mistake and that all roads'll lead back to me [OH MY GOD, arrogant, much?], but that's not going to make any bit of difference [particularly if it's not true]. Words and speeches sound great, but they don't add up to anything. All that matters right now is what you want." By this point they're both crying. Joey claims she doesn't know what she wants, but Dawson says, "Yes, you do. You want him. You want him like I want you -- you love him like I love you. The only difference is he loves you back the same way. And you deserve that. Okay? And I'm not going to be the one who stands in the way of you getting that." I think he left "anymore" off the end of that line. He adds, "You're free. You can do whatever you want." OH MY GOD she was never yours to "free"! GET OVER YOURSELF, HEADY LAMARR! Joey sobs, "But Dawson, I want us to still be friends, and I want to know that you don't hate me!" Dawson shakes his head: "Those are words, Joey. They're just words. 'Cause after you're done dispensing your pleasantries here, you're going to turn around, and you're going to walk away from me. Aren't you." Hell no, Fugly Bogart -- she's going to RUN. Joey says, "I have to, otherwise I'll never know." "Just go," Dawson commands her. "Jo, go, I'm telling you, before I take it all back, all right. Just go! GO!" Joey turns, and as soon as she's looking the other way, Dawson's face crumples into the most hideously misguided man-crying scene since Luke Skywalker learned the truth about his father in The Empire Strikes Back: "Noooooooo! That's not true! That's impossible!" Joey runs through the wedding. Dawson collapses in a heap of moist sobbing goo on the dock. Looks good on you, ass. Looks great. Everything else that follows in this, my last Dawson's Creek episode, is secondary to the glorious, generous sendoff I got in watching as Dawson got a tiny glimpse of what kind of horrible monster he really is. For once, I have to thank the DC writers for their gift. I'll always treasure it.
Jack staggers into the kitchen at McPhee Manor as Angry putters, wearing Sally Jessy Raphael's eyeglasses. Jack makes to go pout in his room, but Angry stops him and asks what's wrong. Jack tells him it's something Angry won't want to hear about, but Angry protests, "Hey, you don't know that!" "Really?" Jack challenges, and goes on, "You want to hear that I found out that Ethan got back with his ex? You want to hear that I found that out after I kissed him?" Angry purses his lips and turns around, offering, "Well...that's interesting." Jack says, "Yes, it's interesting, right? Come on, admit it! The thought of me kissing another guy disgusts you. I disgust you!" Angry says that isn't true, and that he won't let Jack "pick an argument" with him. You know, for having been in a car all day, Jack looks remarkably fresh, and he says that after spending a "whole year" working on his relationship with Ethan (not quite, but whatever), it's a wash, the whole year is a wash, and his whole life is a wash. Angry tells him that his life isn't a wash: "You hurt now because you had the guts to put yourself out there, to go after what you wanted."
Jack starts crying and sinks down on the floor, saying, "I can't keep going through this. It's like having all the problems of a typical teenager, and then there's this whole other level of constant fear and pain. Do you know the anguish I went through over a kiss? One stupid little kiss! Most people don't have to do that!" Angry agrees that they don't. Jack asks, "Then why me? I don't want to be different! I didn't ask to be gay." "No more than I asked for a gay son," Angry says, "but boy, am I glad I got one." Jack mutters, "You don't mean that," and Angry says, "Yeah, I do." He crouches down to Jack, and they hug. Aw. Angry loves his live gay son!
Dawson trudges through the now-empty site of the wedding, and up to the Sanctum Dawsonorum to have a good old pout. When he pushes open the door, he finds Jen, Jack, and Andie are all waiting to cheer him up. He tries to ditch them, but they refuse to go. Of course, the director refuses to cut the scene before panning over to Aunt Gwen's portrait of L'il Joey and Dawson, so that I'm forced to claw my own eye out and miss most of the visual of the scene....
...which starts with Joey racing down the dock toward the "True Love" in yet another floaty peasant blouse, red this time. She climbs on board and calls Pacey's name into the galley, but he was apparently out getting more supplies and strolls down the dock toward her, asking what she wanted. Breathlessly, she says she wants to talk to him, and Pacey says it's too late for her to stop him going, and she shouldn't try. Joey says that isn't what she was going to say, and as he undoes all the ropes attaching the boat to the dock, she says, "Look, I don't want to stop you, Pacey. And I don't want to stop Dawson, and I don't want to be stopped -- not by either of you, not by anyone. See, I mean, that's what this whole year has been about -- we've been trying to stop each other, from moving on, and from growing up, but not you! You're different, and you've challenged me every step of the way, and you've been there every step of the way." Pacey tells her that he's leaving in thirty seconds, so if she has a point she should get to it. Joey pauses a beat and then tells the back of Pacey's head, "I think I'm in love with you." Pacey stops and asks, "You think, or you know?" "I know," she says confidently, and smiles, "I've known since the moment you kissed me, and maybe even before that, and scary as it is, I don't want to deny it anymore, Pacey. I don't want to run from it, and I don't want to let it run from me." Pacey says, "So. What are we gonna do here, Jo?" She breathes, "I wanna come with you." He chuckles, "What? You crazy?" She shakes her head and says, "I want to stop standing still. I want to move forward. I want to come with you."
Pacey reminds her that Bessie and the PB&B need Joey, and I think that probably someone as poor as Joey, who is as anxious as she is to go to college far away from home, should really consider spending the summer doing something that will make her some money, but apparently not, and she replies, "Not as much as I need you, Pacey." For the first time in weeks, Pacey grins. Joey grins back and puts a foot on the boat, but Pacey makes a "not so fast" noise, and she laughs and then very seriously asks, "Permission to come aboard?" "Permission granted," he says, and reaches out a hand. She steps up, and they kiss. Aw. They really seem like they like each other, which, on this show, is novel. He asks, "You can swim, can't you?" She says she can: "I'm just kinda worried about the change of clothes." And the tampon. And condom. And, I'm sorry, I hate the idea of going two or more days in the same pair of panties, but I'm not from seafaring people. ["That's assuming she'd bother wearing any after the first night they spend on top of each other -- literally -- in the hold. God knows I wouldn't." -- Sars] Pacey assures her that they'll make their first port in a couple of days. As the boat pulls away from Capeside, Joey glances back, a little uneasy, but she ultimately stays on her path. And so will I.