Props to the Kids in the Hall (oh, you'll see why), and to Sars, even though she didn't watch this episode and really can't appreciate what I went through this week.
Previously on Dawson's Creek: The late, lamented Principatundé sentenced Pacey to be some poor child's mentor; Dawson was annoyed that his parents pretended to be married (for the purposes of deceiving that B & B critic); Pacey bought Joey a wall, and she marveled at his ability to challenge her in new and unexpected ways.
In a wood-paneled SUV, Joey "Rembrat" Potter is telling Pacey "Darrill" Witter that she never thought she'd ever have a practical use for those ballroom dance lessons she took. Pacey is surprised to learn that there's going to be dancing at "this thing," which he thought Joey'd told him was only "self-congratulatory award-giving." While driving, he unfolds a flyer (kids, don't try that at home), and Joey tells him that she's going to a very important ceremony where A.J. will be reading his work in front of professors and other poobahs from his department (and I guess Sars's invitation got lost in the mail, because I know how much she'd enjoy seeing that), and that A.J.'s the youngest student ever to win the -- "Creative Viting [sic] Award?" Pacey reads off the flyer. When I first watched the show (without the closed captions on), I thought he was suggesting that A.J. had won the Creative Biting Award, in which case I would have been able to support his win wholeheartedly; A.J. does bite in new and creative ways no other person could hope to match or imitate. Joey says that Pacey's misreading the calligraphy, which style of lettering Pacey dismisses as "pretentious." Joey glares. Pacey tells her not to mind him, and just to have a good time this weekend. Joey very seriously says, "I will. I mean, this could be the most romantic night of my life. I mean, it's not every day that I get invited to elegant dinners with distinguished guests, accompanied by a friend who --" Pacey takes issue with Joey's describing A.J. as a "friend," and Joey shrugs and stammers for a while until Pacey informs her that she and A.J. are "friends who kiss." As if speaking to a particularly stupid child, Joey patiently explains to Pacey that long-distance relationships don't necessarily follow the same structures and rules as other types of relationships -- short-distance relationships, I guess. As he pulls into a parking lot and walks around the back of his car to open the trunk, Pacey agrees, and says that's why a long-distance relationship is perfect for her -- because it's not real. Joey asks what he means, and he tells her that for her to get to put on a "pretty dress and go to the ball with college Prince Charming" isn't real, but a fairy tale. I'll say; the word "charming" should never appear anywhere close to a descriptive phrase about A.J.
Joey tells Pacey that, "fairy tale or not," she still feels what she feels, though she has yet to tell anyone exactly what she does feel. Which is just as well, because, again, I don't want to hear those words in close proximity to the initials A and J, either. Pacey, without meeting her gaze, says that what Joey has is "an eyes-closed wish." Joey chirps -- all together now: "Sometimes wishes come true." Instead of responding to this truism by projecting a spray of vomit all over Joey's American Eagle Outfitters coat, Pacey agrees that wishes do come true, but ultimately, reality creeps in. Ignoring her sneer, he goes on: "The clock inevitably strikes midnight. And then it's pumpkin city. The fantasy fades." Stop. Talking. Joey shoulders her bag and mutters, "Try to have a good weekend, Pacey. Thanks for the ride" He watches her head into the train station and calls after her, "Have a good time!" As the strains (and I do mean "strains") of the theme song swell, Pacey looks wistful. Gee, I wonder if they'll kiss at some point during this episode. Wait, no, I don't wonder anything of the kind, because I've already seen them kiss four thousand times every time there's a station break on the WB.
I know John Frankenheimer's a good director and stuff, but I don't know why he made Madonna try to deliver lines with two Chiclets jutting out of her mouth. Or maybe she got her front teeth capped. It's hard to tell.
Various establishing shots of morning in Capeside bring us to the exterior of a restaurant, which is sporting a large banner reading "Opening Soon." Some random person unloads some random items from the bed of a pickup truck, and drops one of said items on the ground. Inside, Gale "Weathers" Leery carries a tray with practiced ease and announces, "We could have a winner here." She sets the tray down on the bar in front of Dawson "Anthony Whingella" Leery, who says he hopes she's right. They each take a mug off the tray as Gale sarcastically asks, "Why? Just because my restaurant opens in less than a week and I still haven't found a chef?" "Or waiters. Or menus," Dawson adds. Gale, panicked, asks him if he means that the menus still haven't arrived from the printer. Dawson reminds her that they sent them back yesterday due to a typo. Gale asks Dawson to keep screening the wait staff applicants (because he's qualified to do that), and that she hopes that they've finally found their kitchen talent. They each take a taste from their mugs and make disgusted faces; the consensus seems to be that the chowder sucks. Sort of like -- nah, too easy. Gale suggests that they "steal Bodie from the Potters," and Dawson reminds her that Bessie and Alexander kind of need him more than Gale does. Gale breezily says that chowder is "hard to master" (in which case she may want to re-think the theme of her restaurant, and move...you know...away from seafood -- although I'm really looking forward to the day someone comes in and orders fishcakes) and that she has to go to the printer. She tells Dawson not to worry, that everything's going to be fine.
As soon as she's out of earshot, Dawson scoffs, but gets a break from judging his mother's business acumen due to the arrival behind him of Jack "Invisible Man" and Andie "Cheat and Run" McPhee. Dawson thanks Jack for picking up the sign (which is in his hands) but Jack tells him that seeing it may "exacerbate the insanity" because the sign is only half-finished, and lacks any lettering; it seems the sign dude told Gale he needed the restaurant's name by today, and didn't get it, and now has another job. Andie unhelpfully suggests that they position the restaurant as a place too cool even to have a name. Before Dawson can shoot down this idea, a comical (not) foreigner appears in the door and, in an indeterminate eastern European accent, says he's here about the chef job. Dawson asks Jack and Andie, "You guys hungry?"
Okay. As some of you already know, this episode involved Pacey's spending a lot of time with his young, troubled mentee, played by Jonathan Lipnicki. But I have no intention of dignifying such a sad and outdated attempt at stunt-casting by transcribing any of those scenes, and will instead condense the entire plotline thusly: Lipnicki plays a kid with the improbable name of "Buzz." He has already gone through three mentors who quit because he was such a big pain in the ass. Although he tells Pacey that his dad is dead, the truth is that he left Lipnicki (as who wouldn't?) and his mom (well, she's to blame as well) and started a new family in Nantucket. Although we're supposed to believe that Lipnicki is nine years old, he has not developed physically at all since he starred in Jerry Maguire nearly five years ago, and only comes up to Joshua Jackson's waist, which is alarming. Lipnicki also evinces numerous speech impediments that may have been cute when he was five, but aren't, in the least, anymore. Instead of sending this poor, developmentally arrested child to a talent agency, his parents should have taken him to an endocrinologist and a speech therapist. But they didn't, and because of their negligence I had to watch this homunculus call Joshua Jackson "Pissy." So, because this storyline was so insulting to me, and because I believe that you deserve better than my dignifying it with my notice, I shall instead transcribe a skit with a similar plotline from the second season of Kids in the Hall in place of each Buzz/Pacey scene. You're welcome.
A mom, played by Kevin McDonald, dresses a kid (played by a kid) in a leather hockey jacket. The kid is whining, "Tell him I'm sick!" "Sick with what, John?" asks his mom. "Cancer! Anything! Tell him I'm sick of him!" John's mom, with increasing irritation, says, "John, today is my day. Now, you're the one who wanted the Big Brother, so you're going to get out of the house, mister, because I want one day of peace and QUIET!" The doorbell rings, and John's mom answers it, finding on the other side Darrill (played by Mark McKinney) in a fur hat with earflaps and a bolo tie. "Hello, hello!" Darrill crows, and, checking his watch, congratulates himself for being "right on time." Making air quotes, he asks where his "Little Brother" is. John's mom (Marian) yanks John over by the arm, and Darrill squats and greets John as "you little firecracker," "little soldier," "you old hound dog quarterback rock and roll Dennis the Menace Indian warrior." John passively submits to Darrill's attentions until Darrill gets discouraged and stands up to tell Marian she looks nice. She says, "Thank you, Daryl," and he corrects her: "da-RILL." She tells them to have a nice day, and rubbing his hands together with mock malevolence, he tells her, "Be positive we will!" He opens the door and calls to John to follow him, but John stands catatonically in the foyer and doesn't move until Marian gets behind him and shoves him out the door.