Boys in my hood

First off, Mighty Big thanks to Sars, for letting me play in her own personal wonderland twice in one month. Also thanks to the Screener Fairy, who's provided me with promotional tapes of this and many other fine feature films over the years. If you haven't seen Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon yet, you have no idea how cool it really is. Also, this recap is MBTV-MA and is intended for our adult and teen viewers only. It contains sex, violence, strong language, and more drug references than you can shake a Thai Stick at. Consider yourself warned. We open in the classroom of an unnamed Pittsburgh university (if by "unnamed" you mean "Carnegie-Mellon"). Michael Douglas's voice-over tells us it's a Friday in February while his voice-actual reads a story to his students. He identifies Tobey Maguire as the author, and then asks the class for their opinions. The students, one of whom is played by a good friend of mine, all hate it. They're ripping into the story mercilessly when Katie Holmes raises her hand and saves the day. She likes the story, and while Michael Douglas's voice-actual thanks her, his voice-over explains that she rents a room from him off-campus, and that she always wears red cowboy boots. I suppose they're more appropriate to the winter weather than a strappy dress, but they're still pretty ugly. The students argue about the story some more. Tobey Maguire keeps leaning forward and blocking my friend's shot. Finally, Professor Tripp (Douglas) dismisses the students, and reminds them to attend something called "WordFest" that evening. Another voice-over tells us that Douglas's wife has left him, and then Katie comes over and asks how he's doing. Her expression makes it clear she'd like to be the one taking over for The Departed Wife. She and Douglas leave, and Tobey Maguire, who hasn't moved once since leaning forward, asks him to turn out the classroom lights as he goes. In his car, Douglas voices-over that he needs to clear his head. Then he lights a big joint. There's been a lot of awards hype surrounding this film, and apparently Michael "Ganja Is Good" Douglas feels he deserves an Oscar nod for this role because he smokes pot and puts on a few pounds. I guess that makes me Tom Hanks. Or James Van Der Beek. Anyway, he then proceeds to exposit what "WordFest" is (a weekend seminar/party for authors and publishers), provide backstory on his editor (Robert Downey Jr., who published his first novel seven years ago and is still waiting for the follow-up), and foreshadow the rest of the movie (the follow-up isn't done yet). This movie throws out enough exposition to choke a horse in the first fifteen minutes, and then spends the ninety minutes or so cruising to a nice leisurely finish. It's well-done, but I get the feeling I'm going to be on page six of the recap before the end of act one. Now we're at the Pittsburgh airport, which is without a doubt the best airport at which to get stuck in a snowstorm, as it has a mall right in the middle. Douglas is there meeting Robert Downey Jr., as well as Robert Downey Jr.'s new friend Antonia Sloviak, a strikingly tall woman with a strikingly large Adam's apple. They walk through the airport, and we get a shot that's supposed to make us think Antonia is about two feet taller than Douglas. Since I fly out of this airport about a dozen times a year, I know that she's on the people-mover thingy, but if you don't, it's a pretty funny shot. Baggage claim. Oh, the joyous hours I've spent there. Not. Douglas tells Downey that Antonia is a transvestite. Downey tells Douglas that he's stoned. Douglas, not Downey. You know, in case you were confused. RDJ asks about the follow-up novel, because he's under pressure at work. Douglas tries to stall, and then for the first (and what I can only hope will be the last) time ever in a movie, the line "What in the hell and a hootenanny is that?" is uttered. Turns out, it's a tuba in a spotted cowhide case, riding along the baggage carousel. Of course, it belongs to Antonia. Cut to the car, headed through the Ft. Pitt tunnels. Props to the director, since you really do pass through here on the way from the airport to town. As opposed to Bruce Willis's Striking Distance, in which a two-minute car chase manages to visit every neighborhood in a three-county radius. Douglas explains the origins of his car, and it's long and complicated and boring and all you really need to know is that he got it from someone who owed him money. He also notices that Antonia wears Cristal perfume. WordFest. A voice-over explains that Sara Gaskell (Frances McDormand) is the University chancellor, and that her husband is the dean of the English Department, and Michael Douglas's boss. There's a pre-Fest party at their house. As they approach the house, Antonia comments on the greenhouse, and we learn that gardening is the Chancellor's hobby. "I thought you were the Chancellor's hobby," snarks RDJ, and we begin to realize why Douglas's wife has left him. Inside, Frances McDormand comes running up to greet them. They exchange some small talk, and then McDormand stumbles. "High heels," she says. "I don't know how anyone can walk in [them]." "Practice," replies Antonia, and McDormand executes a picture-perfect double-take upon noticing the Adam's apple. Heh. I love me some Frances McDormand. At this point, the family dog Poe makes an appearance, and starts barking angrily at Michael Douglas. Well, actually, he's barking at a spot a few feet to the left of Douglas, because he's blind. Douglas and McDormand take the coats upstairs while RDJ and Antonia head into the party. Upstairs. McDormand and Douglas collapse on the bed together. They mack, X-Files-style, which is to say, not at all. Instead, they both have big news for each other. "You first," she says. "This morning…" he starts, but that's all he manages to get out before she interrupts with "I'm pregnant." He's surprised. "I think Walter would find this beyond surprising," she tells him. They lay back and stare off into space, lost in their thoughts. She smells Cristal, and isn't happy to discover that she wears the same perfume as a transvestite. Blind dog close-up. Isn't that a Black Sabbath album? If it's not, it should be. In the background, Walter is babbling to Antonia about Joe DiMaggio and his 56-game consecutive hitting streak. He then segues into a discussion of Joe's marriage to Marilyn Monroe, and offers the observation that "all women secretly want to be Marilyn." Antonia couldn't agree more. She comments on Poe, and he replies, "He's blind, but he still gets around." Cut to Michael "Fatal Attraction" Douglas cleaning his glasses. Heh. That's worth a few subtlety points. We follow Douglas into the living room, where Katie Holmes has been cornered by Q -- who to my eternal dismay, is not being played by John de Lancie. He is, however, played by Rip Torn, and he's hitting on Katie pretty hard. Well, who wouldn't, really? I guess this is where I confess my oddly enduring schoolgirl crush on Katie Holmes. Which is no where near as bad as having a crush on Matt Damon, but it's kind of embarrassing nonetheless. Q gives her a big smile. Don't trust him, Katie. He's just trying to lure you back to his continuum. Douglas snarkily VOs that Q is a best-selling author who churns out a new book every eighteen months. Q can't hear the insulting voice-over, so he just leers at Katie and babbles on like some kind of twisted poet until Douglas's voice-actual interrupts to tell him that she's a successful, published author herself. Q doesn't care. He just wants to see her naked. Well, who wouldn't, really? For the record, Katie's smile isn't any bigger on the big screen. Still at half-mast. Much like Q. Anyway, Michael "Basic Inhale" Douglas heads outside and tokes up in the backyard. He tries to get 56 consecutive hits off his joint as he watches Sara and Walter argue through a window. I remember this one time in college when some friends and I went to a faculty party stoned off our…uh, never mind. By the way: Hi, mom. Douglas notices Tobey Maguire standing at the end of the driveway. He walks over, and we get a weird Sergio Leone-style gunfighter shot of the two of them facing off in the driveway. Tobey is carrying a little toy pistol. He explains that it belonged to his mother, and he carries it for luck. Douglas offers him a hit, but Tobey refuses, saying, "I don't like to lose control of my emotions." I don't know about that. I've seen a lot of Tobey's movies, and I'm not sure he actually has any emotions. He certainly never shows them. The boy looks like he was carved out of the finest mahogany. They chat for a few minutes, and clean up most of the remaining exposition. Tobey isn't like Michael's other students. Michael isn't like Tobey's other professors. Tobey isn't dating Katie, and he's a very fast writer. There. That's pretty much everything you need to know for the rest of the movie. Their task complete, Michael tells Tobey there's something inside he wants to show him. Cut to the car. Poe is lying in the backseat. Michael "A Perfect Murder" Douglas tells Tobey that he'll take the blame, because he's got tenure. Cut to the WordFest parking lot. Douglas and Maguire load Poe into the trunk. Tobey remarks that it's a pretty big trunk: "It fits a tuba, a suitcase, a dead dog, and a garment bag." "That's what they used to say in the ads," replies Douglas. Tobey then asks if RDJ is gay, which Douglas does in fact confirm. He's searching Robert Downey Jr.'s suitcase for drugs. I'd imagine that sentence gets written quite a bit. Certainly more often than "Blind dog close-up." He finally finds a bottle of codeine and some airline bottles of scotch. He downs a couple of pills, and offers them to Tobey. "No thanks, I'm fine." "Oh yeah, you're fit as a fucking fiddle," replies Douglas. Maguire consents and tries to swallow a pill, but ends up hacking it out onto Douglas's jacket. Mmm, phlegmilicious. He tries again and finally gets it down. Inside, Douglas and Maguire stand in the back of a crowded lecture hall, listening to Q and his pretentiously pompous pontification. A particularly purple passage causes Maguire to cackle madly, and everyone turns to stare at him. Douglas sees Sara leave and follows her out. The drugs are starting to kick in, and he staggers through the hallway. Pictures of Q smiling. Posters of WordFest with Sara on them. A spookily lit statue of a the Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus. Douglas remembers his own impending fatherhood, and passes out. Fade to white. Fade back to see the Virgin Mary statue replaced by Sara. Okay, that one's gonna cost at least two subtlety points. She's leaning over Michael "Coma" Douglas, trying to wake him up. She tells him he had another episode, and then helps him to his feet. They look at each other for a moment, and then he tries to confess what happened to Poe. She stops him, thinking he's going to break up with her. She finds the codeine pills, still grasped in his hand. This movie has a lot of little moments that are done extremely well by the actors. McDormand is always fantastic, but even Douglas is doing pretty well here. Sara tells him she's getting an abortion. She lights a cigarette to demonstrate her lack of concern for the baby. Douglas grabs it from her and stubs it out. More fighting. She professes her love. He looks unwilling to commit. Then he picks up his coat, and Tobey's gun falls out. He tells her it's fake, and she grabs it and points it at his chest. They just stare at each other. Finally, the doors swing open behind them, and the WordFest patrons spill out. RDJ and some random extra are dragging out Tobey, who is clearly stoned out of his gourd. He's narrating all the action as they carry him, only he's doing it in the third person, like the writer he is. Douglas asks if he's okay. "He's narrating. He'll be fine," replies RDJ. Antonia asks for a ride home. Cut to later. The gang is leaving the bar. Michael and Katie load Tobey's unconscious body into her car, and she agrees to drive him home. The only problem is that no one knows where he lives. Katie drove him to his aunt's house once, but he got out down the street, so she doesn't even know if that's it. Tobey wakes up enough to mutter something completely incomprehensible, and while I can't make out a word of it, Katie instantly knows that he's lost his backpack somewhere. Douglas tells her to take him back to his place. Doesn't this college have standards? Or dorms? Katie makes sure to let him know that she'll be up if he wants to "talk" when he gets home. So Douglas heads back to his car, where RDJ is apparently jonesing, since he's begging Douglas to get his bag out of the trunk. As Michael "Traffic" Douglas tries to drive off, Vernon Hardapple mysteriously appears and blocks their path. He's screaming and swearing and accusing Douglas of stealing his car, which confuses Douglas to no end. He tries to drive around Vernon, but he keeps blocking their path. Finally Vernon jumps up onto the hood ass-first, and leaves a big dent. He then bows and runs off. The gang looks freaked out as they drive away. Back at WordFest. The building is deserted. Douglas knocks on the door, and finally a student/janitor lets him in. There's some talk about how Good Will Bunting (Get it? He's a student/janitor…Now I just have to work in something about Woodrow Wilson to justify the "Bunting" part. Or point out that Sars can easily solve complex mathematical equations in addition to her comprehensive knowledge of all things grammatical ["she can't -- move along, nothing to see here" -- Sars]) is in Douglas's class, and then he hands over the backpack. Douglas checks inside and finds Tobey's manuscript, which is entitled "The Love Parade." That should most definitely not be the title of a Black Sabbath album. Douglas emerges from the building to find that RDJ has driven off with his car. You'll find that in addition to the rampant drug use and inappropriate student/teacher relationships, auto theft is also one of this movie's recurring themes. Douglas gets Will to "ride him home," and this movie steals my heart by incorporating actual Pittsburghese. Yinz guys wouldn't believe how folk talk dahn-'ere in the Burg. Janitor Boy responds with my new all-time favorite non sequitur: "Is it true that Errol Flynn used to put paprika on his dick? You know, 'cuz it was more stimulating for the chick." Douglas has no idea what he's talking about. Will Bunting thinks the backpack is his, and reminds him that he has Errol Flynn's biography in there. Douglas thinks about this for a moment, and then replies, "Yeah, it's true. He used to rub all kinds of stuff on there; salad dressing, ground lamb…" Good Will is enthralled by this. I'm modifying my grocery list. Cut to the Gaskells' greenhouse. Douglas's voice-over wonders why she loves him. He decides that it's because she loves to read, and as a writer, he manufactures her drug of choice. Will wonders what they're doing at the Chancellor's house. "Taking the long way home," says Douglas. Cut to Douglas's house, which is literally around the corner from my own. I was late to work every day for a month because they closed this street for filming. And I didn't even get to see Katie Holmes. Although to be fair, missing work was reward enough for me. Anyway, inside the house, Tobey is passed out on the sofa. Douglas sits down at his desk, and then notices Marilyn Monroe's jacket in Tobey's bag. He stole it while Douglas was fighting with the dog. He shrugs, and goes to sleep in his chair. The morning, Douglas is the first one up. He heads outside and snags the paper, all while wearing a frilly pink bathrobe. He lights another joint, and I can actually see him thinking, "Look at me! I can do variety. No Master of the Universe here -- I'm wearing pink, for god's sake! That Oscar is sooo mine." He goes back inside and sits down to work on his book. He rolls a new sheet of paper into the typewriter, and puts on the page number -- 261. Then he waits a beat, and adds another "1," making it 2,611. Heh. Actually, I'd probably find that funnier if I wasn't already on page six of the recap. Act one just ended, by the way. Fade to white. I wonder where the commercials are. Oh, yeah. Fade back up to see Tobey looking down. Michael "Falling Down" Douglas is lying on the floor. "It's okay," he says, "I just lost my balance." "I put you on the floor," says Tobey. "Oh." Anyway, Douglas had another fainting spell. Tobey notices the bathrobe and thinks it belongs to The Departed Wife. Turns out, Douglas just wears it when he's writing. I have the same thing with a ratty old sweatshirt, so I'm not going to make fun of him for it. Then he notices the novel sitting on the desk, pages stacked almost a foot high. "Is all of that single-spaced?" Heh. Tobey also reports that someone called and asked about Douglas's car, but they wouldn't leave a name. At this point RDJ comes downstairs in nothing but his boxers. He flirts with Tobey a bit and then heads back upstairs. "Uh, did I do anything bad last night?" asks Tobey. Douglas reminds him that he shot the Chancellor's dog and stole her husband's most prized piece of memorabilia. Oh, yeah. Cue the cops, who pull up outside. Wacky hijinx ensue. Dudley Doofus emerges from his car and heads up to the house, except he forgets to put on the emergency brake, and the car starts rolling away. Once he gets that taken care of, he rings the bell, only to do a double take when Douglas answers in the frilly pink bathrobe. With the required physical comedy gags out of the way, he proceeds to question Douglas about Tobey. Douglas pretends not to know anything, and sends the cop on his way. Inside, Katie Holmes comes downstairs, wearing nothing but the cowboy boots and a little T-shirt. Now I'm the one who looks like he's carved out of the finest mahogany, if you know what I…uh, never mind. By the way: Bye, mom. Also, I should probably lay off the paprika. Tobey is freaked by the arrival of the police, Katie is trying to flirt with Douglas, and the phone is ringing off the hook. General confusion ensues. Douglas cuts his hand, and then piles Tobey into the car for a quick trip to the store. As they peruse the aisles, Douglas asks Tobey where he lives. Tobey says he's been living at the bus station. I've been to the Pittsburgh bus station, and the only thing living there are some strains of bacteria never before seen on this planet. Anyway, Douglas is shocked to learn that Tobey is homeless. Then he spots some baby toys and remembers Sara. Cut to the greenhouse. Douglas sneaks in and is in the process of leaving a note for Sara when she surprises him. They chat. "There's something I need to tell you," says Michael "Disclosure" Douglas. He tries to tell her about Poe, but he wimps out. She tells him that he needs to decide what they're going to do about the whole baby thing. Then she leaves him alone in the greenhouse. Back in the car, Tobey thinks she took it pretty well, and Douglas is forced to tell him that he couldn't break the news to her. He asks if Tobey feels like taking a ride, and he agrees. As they drive, Tobey tells all about his family. They live in some small town. Dad has cancer and works in a mannequin factory. Based on his wooden acting, Tobey might be his finest work. Tobey finally agrees to get high, and they share yet another joint. "These donuts are incredible!" enthuses Tobey, who is enjoying his first encounter with the munchies. Sadly, I get them even when I'm not high these days. He's also entranced by the ass-print on Douglas's hood. Anyway, they've come to The Departed Wife's childhood home, and Douglas tries to find a way in. Finally, he convinces Tobey to crawl through the doggie door and unlock the back door. Tobey takes forever to get through, and I marvel at the advanced level of computer animation that will be required to make an actor this blatantly uncoordinated into Spiderman. Once they get inside, Douglas tells him to make himself at home, and then goes upstairs to The Departed Wife's bedroom. Tobey plops down on the couch, and apparently the pot is making him think he's back on the Pleasantville set, because he clicks on a old black-and-white movie and starts watching. Since this is a Dawson's Extra, I'll point out that the movie he's watching actually provides ironic self-aware commentary on the proceedings at hand. Of course, Curtis Hanson and Michael Chabon have actual talent, so it's nowhere near as annoying as when Dawson does it. Upstairs, Douglas is in The Departed Wife's childhood bedroom. He picks up the phone to call Sara, and of course the phone is pink as well. Sara is justifiably upset to learn that he's at the wife's house. She tells him that he has to make his own decisions and then hangs up. At this point, The Returning Parents of the Departed Wife arrive. Tobey takes a drag on his joint just as they walk inside. I'm not sure who is more surprised to see whom. The Departed Wife's father is played by Philip Bosco, whom I remember as the anal-retentive bus driver from Quick Change, but whom you might remember as Cameron Diaz's father in My Best Friend's Wedding. He chats with Michael Douglas as he helps him bandage the dog bite on his ankle. Michael just wants closure with The Departed Wife, but since he can't even remember her best friend's name (Hint: It's not Julia Roberts), we realize that he was never a very good husband anyway. Through the window, we can see a dog outside sniffing at Douglas's trunk, presumably because he smells Poe. That's worth a subtlety point. Night. Car. Steel mills passing by outside. Douglas's mid-life crisis is now in full bloom. He yells at Tobey and rails against the injustices of the world. All his writing is meaningless, because people don't think anymore, and when they do, it's not about writing. I don't know about that. I've been thinking about writing a lot doing this recap, mostly because it's giving me a case of writer's block like you wouldn't believe. Which is perhaps not surprising, given that this is a movie about writer's block, but it's still driving me (and Michael Douglas) crazy. Anyway, Tobey tells him that his writing does mean something, because it's the only reason he decided to go to college. Douglas apologizes, and decides they need some food. They pull into a diner. Tobey wants to go back to the bus station, because they have really good cheese sandwiches in the vending machines. Douglas sends him inside, and then goes to the phone. He calls information and tries to get Tobey's parents' number. Only the operator has no record of the small town or the mannequin factory. "Are you sure?" asks Douglas. "It's not like I'm making this up…" He looks through the window at Tobey and realizes just who actually is making it up. He searches through Tobey's bag for information, and comes up with his registration forms from the university. Finally, he joins Tobey inside for dinner. They argue about whether his fainting incidents are "spells" or "episodes." I believe I referred to them as spells earlier in the recap, so we're going to go with that as the definitive answer. Outside, a car pulls up, and Douglas goes back out. It's Tobey's parents, and his mom is played by Kelly Bishop, better known these days as Emily Gilmore. She's basically playing Emily Gilmore here as well, so that's probably a good thing. Douglas goes back inside to get Tobey. When Tobey realizes what's going on, he doesn't want to go. He also tells us that they're his grandparents, not his parents, and they keep him locked in the basement. He neglects to mention the Cask of Amontillado they keep down there with him, but I gave up counting Edgar Allan Poe references about half an hour ago. My Achy-Breaky Tell-Tale Heart just can't take it anymore. Douglas yells at Tobey for lying to him about the bus station and the mannequin factory. He piles him into the car, and they drive off, splashing muddy water all over Douglas. He sighs and climbs back into his own car, where Tobey has once again forgotten his bookbag. Douglas settles in and begins to read Tobey's novel. Cut to Douglas's house as he drives home. There's a party in progress, and we know it's an artsy, bohemian writers party because they've got Leonard Cohen on the soundtrack. Curtis Hanson gets additional bonus subtlety points for not having RDJ and Katie Holmes go on a murderous rampage, unlike some other "natural-born" directors under the influence of Leonard Cohen that I could name. Anyway, Douglas wanders inside, looking at all the strange people in his house. He moves upstairs, where he finds Katie reading his manuscript. She knows she's busted, but she's also thrilled to see him. She steps in close and tries to kiss him. Douglas tries to push her away, but RDJ walks in and catches them in a semi-compromising position. They three of them start talking about Tobey. They're shocked that Douglas left him with his grandparents, but they also report that the cops now know he's the one who stole the jacket and killed the dog. Douglas tells RDJ that he read Tobey's book, and it's great. Can anyone see a nice tidy resolution looming on the horizon? I can. RDJ convinces Douglas to stage a raid to free Tobey from his family. Except they still don't know where he lives. While they argue, Katie displays the sort of level-headed calm in a crisis that makes me love her, and also made her dump Dawson. She looks him up in the phone book, and they're on their way. Douglas and RDJ drive out to Tobey's house. RDJ is excited about Tobey's novel. "I feel this kid in my bones," he says. "Only your bones?" replies Douglas. They arrive and sneak up to the house. It turns out that Tobey does in fact live in the basement, only he's got a huge room that's stuffed almost to the ceiling with overdue library books. They go inside and tell Tobey to get dressed and ready to go. As Tobey dresses, RDJ sits down and reads what he's got in the typewriter at that moment. It describes a limping, aging prizefighter who's lost the heart to go on. Gee, sound like anyone we know? "Gee, sound like anyone we know?" asks RDJ. I knew I liked the guy for a reason. He goes on to state, "Man, this kid needs an editor." As Sars can attest, so do I. They use poor Poe's body to make a decoy in Tobey's bed in case Emily Gilmore comes down to bring him mashed bananas on toast, and head off. They arrive at Douglas's house and head inside. Once again, Tobey forgets his bookbag, leaving it in the car. Given the fact that the main characters spend almost the entire movie searching for this bag in its various locations, you'd think he'd have learned to hold onto it a little better. Anyway, Tobey and RDJ go off to bed together. Douglas watches them, then looks in on Katie, who's sleeping peacefully, pages of his manuscript scattered all around her. Michael "The Kind Syndrome" Douglas heads outside to spark up a doobie, as the kids like to say. The kids in 1973, that is. While he's out there, we see someone in a mysterious van cruising by. Then Douglas picks up the phone and calls Sara. Of course, it's three in the morning, and Walter doesn't seem too happy when he answers the phone. Douglas tells him that he's in love with his wife. Douglas, not Walter. You know, in case you were confused. "Have you been drinking?" asks Walter. Douglas takes a hit. "No." Heh. Walter tells him to be in his office Monday morning and hangs up. Morning. Party debris close-up. That sounds more like a Kid Rock album than Black Sabbath. Douglas tries to write, but he's still blocked. Doorbell. It's Sara. She knows that Tobey is the one who killed Poe. She just wants the jacket back. Douglas goes to get it out of the car, but then realizes that his car has been stolen. He can't believe it. Cue the cops, who pull up in front of them. No wacky hijinx this time -- they just want to arrest Tobey. Douglas goes inside to get him, and finds him in bed with RDJ. I think it's safe to say that some macking occurred. Also, nuggin', smashing, toying, schmiggling, and possibly de-greening, although we're never told for sure (thanks, Lauren). Tobey tells Douglas he's not looking too good, but Douglas says he's fine. "Oh yeah, you're fit as a fucking fiddle," responds Tobey. RDJ tells us that's he's planning to publish Tobey's novel. Outside. Tobey is being led into the police car. It's pouring rain, and Douglas is still wearing the pink robe. Tobey tells him that "[he's] the best professor [Tobey] has ever had." The cops drive him away. The weather gets even worse, as dark clouds build on the horizon. Sara asks Michael "Black Rain" Douglas if he happened to call the house last night. He tells her that he told Walter that he was in love with her. Walter asked her about it, to which she replied, "That doesn't sound like [him]." Ahh, subtext. She leaves, and Douglas goes back inside. RDJ wants to know what they should do . Douglas wants to go retrieve his car, and the jacket. They decide to borrow Katie's car. He goes to her room, where she explains that she couldn't finish his book because she fell asleep. "That good, huh?" he asks. If anyone reading this recap is still awake, I'm sure they feel the same way. He asks for her opinion. She tells him she thinks it's a little too detailed what with "the genealogy of everyone's horses, and the dental records." She suggests that maybe Michael "Romancing the Bong" Douglas shouldn't get stoned so often. He appears to accept this suggestion, but then tells her that he's not the first writer to get stoned every now and then. Michael "Jewel of Denial" Douglas goes on to mention that he wrote his successful first novel stoned, and accepted his literary award the same way. He takes the keys and the book and leaves. Downstairs, RDJ asks if he can see the book. Douglas slaps his hand away. RDJ also wants to know how Douglas plans to get his car back. Douglas thinks Vernon Hardapple stole it. Downey wants to know how he knows. "He said a few things that led me to believe that the car belonged to him," answers Douglas. "Such as?" "That's my car, motherfucker." Heh. Turns out the guy who gave Douglas the car because he owed him money stole the car from Vernon. Back at the bar that isn't really the bar, Douglas and RDJ find the car. Douglas goes to check it out, and finds the backpack. Unfortunately, the jacket is gone. He checks the glove compartment and discovers that the pot is still there, as is Tobey's little gun. Douglas has another spell. Fade to white. Fade up on Oola the Pregnant Waitress, wearing Marilyn's jacket. Told you she'd be important later. She recognizes him. "I never forget a drink," she says. "I never forget an Oola," he replies. Vernon comes over and wants to know why Douglas is in his car. He spots Tobey's little gun, and pulls out a big one of his own. A tense stand-off ensues. Douglas fires the derringer by accident, and everyone freaks out. RDJ tries to come to the rescue and let Douglas jump into his car. Unfortunately, he misses, and spins out. Douglas manuscript flies out through the open door, and we see hundreds and hundreds of pages blowing into the river. Everyone forgets about the guns and just stares in fascination as RDJ tries to gather the fluttering pages. Now we're back in Vernon/Douglas's car. Vernon is driving, with Oola up front. Douglas and RDJ are in the back. Vernon can't believe that was the only copy of Douglas's book. "Well, I do have an alternate version of the first chapter," replies Douglas. RDJ thinks it was a sign, and he's pretty vehement about it. Vernon disagrees, and they get into a shouting match. Oola tries to calm things by asking Douglas what the book was about. He doesn't know. Vernon can't believe that either. Douglas says that he just couldn't stop writing it. They arrive at the university. Douglas asks Vernon if the baby will be a boy or a girl. "Doesn't matter, as long as it looks like her," he replies, and I have to say, he's absolutely right. She's cute. Him, not so much. They get ready to drive off, and RDJ reminds Douglas that they need the jacket. Douglas looks at Oola, and tells her who the jacket used to belong to. Then he sends her on her way, much to RDJ's dismay. "That book of yours must have been one nutty ride," exclaims Vernon as they drive off. Douglas tells RDJ not to worry. Tobey won't go to jail, and if he gets expelled it's no big deal. "You don't teach a writer anything," Douglas says, and I've had countless professors who would have disagreed with that sentiment. Besides, Tobey doesn't need Douglas anymore, he says, now that he's got RDJ to take care of him. RDJ asks what he should do. "Improvise," replies Douglas. They share a moment, and then Douglas heads inside. As he wanders the halls, he removes the pink robe. He considers it for a moment, and then tosses it in the garbage. He heads for Sara's office, but it's deserted when he gets there. The sound of applause leads him back to the lecture hall, where WordFest is wrapping up. Walter announces that Tobey's book is being published by RDJ, only he calls it "The Lovely Parade." That one could be a Black Sabbath album, but just barely. Applause all around. Katie looks happy. Douglas yells for him to take a bow. The kids who mocked his story in the opening scene look put out. Oh my god, Tobey actually smiled! He does have emotions! Of course, it wasn't even a half-smile (I'd say it's about an eighth, to continue with our drug theme), but it's definitely a start. Michael "Wonder Boys" Douglas calls Tobey a "wonder boy." Walter goes on to announce that RDJ will also be publishing his own book, a critical look at DiMaggio and Monroe called "The Last American Marriage." Sara looks mortified by the title. She leaves. Douglas tries to follow her out, but he's interrupted by Q. When he finally gets away, she's gone. He wanders the halls looking for her before finally settling down on a bench overlooking a stairwell. This scene is filmed in the science building at CMU, and I've taken several classes there over the years. I've sat on that exact bench. Anyway, he pulls the pot out of his jacket and considers it for a moment. He leans over the stairwell railing and spots Good Will Bunting polishing the floors below. "You get high?" he asks. "Only when I'm working," replies Good Will. Me too. By the way: You should give it a try, mom. Douglas tosses the pot down to him. There's a cool shot of him almost falling over the railing as he has another spell, and then the voice-over comes on and we fade out. Cut to the future. A clean-cut looking Michael Douglas is tapping away on his laptop. We see that the story he's writing is the movie we just watched. He voices-over everyone's outcome: Tobey went to New York with RDJ, Katie is a junior editor in Paris. Douglas? Well, he lost everything, and found the only thing that matters. Yeah, it's a cliché, but it works here. Outside the window, we see Sara pull up and fetch a baby out of the back seat. She looks up and smiles at him. Laptop close-up. Douglas clicks save, and we're out. By the way, if you really were wondering what it would be like to actually see Robert Downey Jr. take drugs, too bad. He never actually does it on camera. Pesky parole conditions. Also, if you were wondering if this movie is any good, it is. And if you're wondering why Dawson doesn't get Oscar-worthy scripts for his film roles, well, I want some of whatever you're smoking. Peace out, dudes.