Thanks to Wing and KR.
James Van Der Beek, whose hair looks -- believe it or not -- worse than it has in episodes, welcomes us to the WB Wednesday night. After we sit through the customary promo barrage, we fade up about 20 minutes after the end of the last episode. First we see Jack "Not Only Still In The Closet, But Apparently Trapped Under A Large Pile Of Overcoats And Galoshes" McPhee and Joey "Art Imitating Life" Potter, looking awkward and rumpled. Joey asks Jack if he has everything, and he says he thinks he does, and Joey thanks him for posing, and Jack says, "Sure," and they both do a bunch of shrugging. Then we see Jen "Cuchifrito" Lindley and Dawson "Frankenberry" Leery standing in Jen's room; Jen looks nauseated as Dawson begins his trademark Stutter Of In-Depth Analysis, and she cuts him off and says they should sleep on it before they "dissect what just happened," and Dawson says, "Okay." Then we see Andie "Fresh And Full Of Life" McPhee and Pacey "Pacey Witter" Witter canoodling to the Wittermobile in front of Casa McPhee. Cut back to Jack 'n' Joey. Jack asks Joey if she has any regrets. Joey says no, and they kiss. Cut back to Jen 'n' Dawson. Dawson says, "See you tomorrow?" Jen says, "Mmm hmm." Dawson gazes at Jen condescendingly; Jen gazes at Dawson longingly. They kiss. Jen's eyes stay dreamily closed as Dawson bounds out the front door. Cut back to Pacey 'n' Andie as they walk away from the car. Pacey says, "Thank you," and Andie says, "No, thank you," and Pacey says, "No, thank you," and they back-and-forth that way a little more, Andie beaming, Pacey pensive. Andie walks up her front path. Cut back to Jack 'n' Joey, Jack leaving, Joey bewildered. Cut back to Pacey watching Andie go inside and looking either proud or on the verge of giggling. Cut back to Jen watching Dawson lope across Grams' front lawn and looking kind of puffy and sad. End of Mysterious Who-Got-Busy Montage #1.
Credits. Cat-in-heat warbling; inexplicable slo-mo dance moves.
A few commercials.
Fade up on an old movie playing; in the film, lightning strikes, and an elderly gentleman pronounces the guilt of another character to the accompaniment of Significant Music. Joey smiles in appreciation, Andie stares neutrally at the TV screen, Chris "Teen" Wolf fights to stay awake, Abby "Marquise de Merteuil" Morgan makes a "whatever" face, and Pacey and Jen look receptive but bored. Dawson, apparently in the midst of the most pretentious oral report in the history of secondary schooling, shuts off the movie and expounds from his lighted podium: "So. We can conclude that film mysteries don't differ from literary ones. The genre's still constructed in three sections -- the set-up, the testimonies, and the classic denouement, where all the characters are gathered in one room by the likes of Charlie Chan or Miss Marple, in their final monologue revealing the killer's identity." Pacey and Andie exchange a glance as an anvil labeled "the writers' idea of a subtle leitmotif" plummets from the sky to hit the viewers on the head.
Dawson remarks that the key to solving a crime lies in "a practical understanding of human behavior" and winds up his magnum dopus by saying, "And remember, you never know when a mystery might find you," shutting off his little podium light and cueing a scream sound effect. Mr. Peterson thanks Dawson with a snide comment about his "flair for the dramatic," and calls on Abby. Abby hasn't done her assignment because, she claims, the family Schnauzer downed an entire box of chocolate laxatives and died of internal bleeding. The other kids smirk. Mr. Peterson doesn't believe her, and informs her that if she doesn't turn in her project, he'll give her an F for the semester. The bell rings, and as Mr. Peterson makes an announcement about the day's mandatory book fair and everyone else shuffles out of the room, Chris spots a folded piece of paper on the floor, which he picks up and reads. Three words I wish he'd read before stepping in front of the cameras with that nappy Mom's House Of Style hair: Shampoo, rinse, repeat.
Meanwhile, Jack asks Joey if she finished her drawing. She gets out her portfolio and whips it open to her portrait of Naked Jack, and Jack freaks out and pounces on it because he doesn't want anyone to see it, saying, "Even my shameless nature has its threshold." Joey assures him that only her professor will see it. Jack sneaks a peek at himself in all his charcoal glory; in the finished drawing, he looks like the Shmoo. He asks Joey if he can have the drawing "when [Joey's] done, as a keepsake." Joey: "So you can remember your 15 minutes of fame as a male model?" Jack: "So that I can remember everything about last night." Joey puts her hair behind her ears and blushes.
Back at the Tonsil Hockey Table, Andie asks Pacey about a piece of paper, and he answers, "Oh, it's nothing, it's just my history quiz," and Andie asks what he got, and Pacey doesn't want to tell her and says, "It's none of your business," and Andie wants to know if his sudden pique has to do with the grade he got or with what happened the night before, and Pacey says, "No, last night was fine" ("fine"?), and Andie says she knows that their relationship "escalated" the night before and that "a lot was said and done," and Pacey cuts her off and asks if they can "table this" conversation, claiming that he has to study: "You want me studying, right?" Andie says, yes, she does, but "more importantly" she doesn't want him to turn into a "stereotypical guy that just closes off and shuts down the minute a relationship starts to progress," and I agree with her, because I hoped for better things from Pacey. Pacey denies tweaking out and says again that he just has to study, but Andie doesn't buy it.
Jen and Dawson ask each other if they feel "okay with" what happened, and each claims to be more worried about how the other one feels. As usual, Dawson takes refuge in clichés: "Last night was last night, you know -- today we have a movie to make, so, we're still friends. And whatever other word applies to what we are." Jen seems a bit disappointed, but gamely says, "Friends. Or whatever," as Dawson sips from his miniature head -- I mean, from his juice box.
Abby can't believe her good luck: "Instead of deconstructing some literary convention, I'll solve my own real-life mystery." "Deconstructing"? Chris doesn't get it, saying that anyone among the twenty people in the class could have had sex; Abby explains that "common sense eliminates" most of the people in the class: "Really, if you think about it, there's only three likely couples -- the most obvious being Pacey and Andie." As the camera focuses on Pacey hunched over his book and Andie sulking, Abby goes on, "Pacey is sexually experienced as we all know, and Andie's fallen head-over-heels in love with him. Insanity runs in her family." Chris nods, "True." Shut up, Chris. Abby raises a sly brow and continues, "Then there's [sic] Joey and Jack. They share that whole artistic vibe, you know -- progressive, uninhibited, experimental," as the camera pans over to Jack and Joey mispronouncing the names of more German Expressionists. Chris refers to Joey's "hot little angle." Chris, put that single entendre (tm Wing) back in Abby's backpack, and shut up. Abby finishes the run-down: "Then there's Dawson and Jen; he's on the rebound, and God knows she likes to bounce." Heh. Chris asks if Abby likes to bounce, and Abby shudders and tells him, "Your lines land like bricks." Huge, huge "word." Abby tells Chris she'll need his help documenting "this thing" on video. Chris says no. Abby offers to let him "touch [her] in bad places." Chris changes his mind. Like, ha ha. Not.
After school, Joey wanders outside and stands under the eave while it pours down rain. Dawson comes and stands to her, and they talk -- literally -- about the weather. Dawson notices her portfolio and asks condescendingly, "Whatcha got there?" Joey tells him, and Dawson asks how "the naked man" turned out. "Naked," Joey says. Memo to the writers: during the first season, Dawson and Joey were best friends. Yes, best friends. So ease up on the whole "awkward conversation" tip, okay? Thanks. Dawson wants to see the drawing; Joey not-at-all-subtly changes the subject to Dawson's movie, which works, because Dawson loves to talk about himself, and he tells Joey he "can't seem to find a leading lady." When Joey asks why, Dawson says, "Well, it's difficult -- the part requires a certain mixture of spirited passion, wide-eyed innocence, and unparalleled external beauty," and Joey laughs and says, "Well, it sounds like you're looking for a Julia Roberts, Dawson." "Julia Roberts"? Dawson responds, without looking at Joey, "What I need is a you," and Joey's face falls and she doesn't say anything for a minute, and then she asks, "Dawson, is this movie about us?" Dawson answers, "It's a drama in the vein of us," and Joey thinks she should read it to make sure it doesn't contain "a character assassination," and Dawson says he would never write anything "hurtful" about Joey, ever, and he hopes she knows that, and Joey sort of shrugs and says, "Yeah," and the rain stops, so Dawson takes off and Joey keeps standing there lost in thought. James Van Der Beek did a pretty good job with this scene, but we cut to commercial with no further light shed on the Mystery Of Who Got Busy.
Ad for "She's All That." Um, what Ace said last week. Ad for Pillsbury Valentine cookies. I adore those darn things. That Jetta ad where everything on the street syncs up with the windshield wipers, which Wing and I both grudgingly have to admit that we like.
Fade up at Chris's locker. Abby complains that, in Dawson's rewrite, "We have sex -- it's disgusting." First of all, word. Second of all, um, did the writers ever consider telling us who got cast in the film, like, during the actual show? Third of all, if Dawson and Jen cast the Dorkardly Duo as the leads, why did Dawson just tell Joey that they couldn't find a "leading lady"? Anyway, Chris asks Abby when she wants to "practice," and Abby tells Chris, "Chris, I have a finger I place in my mouth for vomiting." Sars tells Abby, "You and me both, sister." Abby says that the rewrite represents the closest thing she has to a clue in their "whoscroodit," which I suppose functions as a pun on "whodunnit." Whatever. Abby wants Chris to help with "necessary questioning." Chris asks if she plans to ask everyone straight out who had sex; Abby says no, she just wants to "shake the tree a little, see what falls out."
Serendipitously, Jen walks up to them at that moment to discuss the rehearsal schedule and give them sheets to fill out with their "availabilities," and Abby questions Jen about the "significant rewrites -- namely the kinkiest sex scene since Mickey Rourke cracked open the refrigerator in 9 1/2 Weeks." Yeah, we really need that sadomasochistic subtext in a teen drama. Not. Jen warns Abby not to "go there," but Abby says she's already gotten there, and wonders if, "since Dawson's movie is mainly autobiographical...if some of my new scenes were acted out before they were written." Jen tells Abby it doesn't take much to send her "hyper-creative imagination into overdrive," and Abby says that, actually, she's heard things, "like about the other night." Jen's expression goes from amused resignation to defensiveness as she says, "What about it?" Abby says, "You tell me," and asks if Dawson has "any other talents besides film-making." I wouldn't number film-making among his talents, myself, but whatever -- Jen informs Abby, "What happens in my bedroom is my business, all right?" Abby makes a-ha-so-it-happened-in-the-bedroom noises, and Jen says she didn't say that, and Abby says that Jen didn't not say that, sneering, "Jen, it's written all over your post-coital glowing face. You finally wooed the wonder boy onto the dark side." "Wooed"? "Dark side"? Could Abby please pick one cultural metaphor and stick with it? Then Abby asks if the experience was "worth all the pining, all the feeling you weren't good enough." Jen gives her a look and responds, "Yeah. It was." The writers obviously want us to think that Jen and Dawson slept together, but I don't buy it. Regardless, go Jen. Abby smirks triumphantly and Chris congratulates her with a hug from behind, saying, "My god, you did it! You got her to break," but Abby blows him off with, "A sexual confession from Jen Lindley? Please -- that's like Bill Gates admitting he made two dollars last year." Oh, all right -- heh. But have the writers forgotten that Chris and Jen slept together? Doesn't that make that last scene a little dodgy? Anyway, Abby says they still have work to do; they still have to figure out who wrote the letter.
Cut to the hallway. Abby pesters Pacey to sign a petition for an in-school condom dispenser, and as the writer of Heathers files his intellectual copyright suit, Abby tries to get the dish from Pacey, and Pacey asks what it would take to make her go away, and she holds up the petition and smiles sweetly, and he signs it.
Outside of school, Abby motors along on her little stumpy legs beside Jack. She wants him to sign the petition too, but he tells her he wouldn't support any cause of hers except her execution. She observes that his "caustic edge" might come from "serious sexual repression -- speaking of which, have you had sex with Joey?" First of all, as far as the whole sexual repression thing goes, Abby has no idea. Second of all, heh. Jack stares at her: "You gotta be kidding me."
Meanwhile, Chris tries to pry some answers out of Dawson as they walk down the hall. He asks Dawson about the sex scene, saying that "clearly it's ripped [?] from life experience." Dawson, warily: "Your point?" Chris: "Well, I just want to know what it was like -- the first time? I mean, it's been so long since my own first venture into the jungles of love, I just thought I'd ask a newcomer." "Jungles of love"? Excuse me one moment while I hook the four-gallon drum of Maalox I purchased at Price Club to an IV. Okay, so -- oops, forgot to tell Chris to shut up. Shut up, Chris. Okay, so Dawson says, "Wait a minute -- you think I had sex with Jen?"
Cut to Abby saying to Jack, "So you didn't have sex with her?" Jack, exasperated: "Yes!" Abby, thrilled: "You did?" Jack, confused: "Yes! . . . No! No! Yes, I did not have sex with Joey!" (KR: "Because YOU'RE GAY!") Jack tells Abby, "Look, go away. You're demented."
Back to Chris and Dawson in the hall. Chris tells Dawson, "Hey, I'm just going by what I hear." Oh, really? Well, how about hearing this: Stop. Letting. Your mother. Cut. Your. HAIR! Dawson whips around, nostrils at full bore, and asks the "source" of Chris's information; Chris says, "Well, if you and Jen were the only two in her room, who do you think it is?" and walks off as Dawson fumes.
Meanwhile, over at the book fair set-up, Abby tells Andie, "Sign it for all womanhood. Most girls don't have the knowledge you have when it comes to protecting themselves." Sars tells the writers, "Abby destroyed Andie in front of the entire school -- twice! As IF Andie would give her the time of day! Whatever!" Andie stares down at the clipboard, then says, "My knowledge?" Abby advises Andie to save the "demure ingenue from Rhode Island" act for another audience because she "know[s] everything." Andie doesn't buy it: "You do?" Abby, in an insincere tone of regret: "Like about the other night. It's the property of gossip transference -- Pacey brags to Dawson, Dawson tells Jen, Jen tells me, I tell the world. You know how it goes." Heh. Andie, still skeptical but decidedly not amused: "And the current piece of gossip revolves around Pacey and me." Abby, suddenly business-like: "Andie, I really don't want to be the one imparting to you that your boyfriend says you're lacking -- it's not your fault that all his experience is with a 40-year-old teacher. What does he expect from you?" Andie slams down the clipboard and walks off; Abby smiles maliciously.
In the computer lab, Chris fills Joey in on the content of the rewrites, describing it as a "good read" and mentioning "nookie." Joey stares at him, then at the script in his hands. Chris says, "Well, I don't want to give away the ending," and holds the script out to Joey, who takes the high road by saying that she should wait until Dawson asks her to read it. Chris says he'll just put it in her bag and then she can "make the call." Joey says, "Whatever," and gets up to leave; Chris tells her to "keep it on the QT." "QT"? As the writers of L.A. Confidential prepare their intellectual property suit, Abby barrels in and wonders, "Who do I have to sleep with to solve this mystery?" Chris says he can think of one option, but Abby just says, "Yeah, right." Then she opens the portfolio that Joey left behind and says, "And the plot thickens," as she gets an eyeful of Jack in the McBuff.
After a shot of boiling clouds in the sky, cut to the Sanctum Dawsonorum, where Dawson sits in front of his laptop and broods. Abby knocks on his doorjamb. Did the Estranged Bride Of Flash, whacked out on barbiturates and cherry licorice, surface from her Flash-less haze long enough to let her in? Whatever -- Dawson doesn't know what Abby wants, but informs her that he's "not in the mood." Abby strikes a pose and says, "That's not what I hear." Dawson flatly denies having sex with Jen. Abby, not content to let sleeping nostrils lie, mutters, "That's too bad," and when Dawson says that both he and Jen "are fine with it, actually," Abby starts in on how "poor Joey" (who, writers take note, poured a pitcher of water over Abby's head just a few episodes ago) must "feel like crap right now," since she (Joey) slept with Jack and only didn't feel guilty because she (Joey) thought that Dawson slept with Jen, blah blah blah fishcakes.
Dawson doesn't want to hear any more and prepares to boot Abby from his room, but before she leaves, Abby gives him Joey's drawing of Jack, which we really don't need to see again, thanks so much. Dawson says it doesn't mean anything. Abby asks if Joey has ever drawn Dawson naked. Sars clutches her cramping stomach as Abby points out that Dawson doesn't mean anything to Joey now that she's had sex with Jack. Speaking of Jack, Dawson snaps, "Out!" and slams the door of his room in Abby's face. We still don't know who had sex as we head into the commercial.
Slim Jim Carrey commercial. Jon Stewart making cute with a giant dog in "Playing By Heart."
Walking down the hallway, Abby grouses about the book fair: "Like we don't have enough to read for school? They want us to start reading for pleasure?" Chris tries to mack on her, and she pushes him away because she doesn't "want to catch any of [his] diseases." Heh. Unfazed, Chris shrugs and asks, "So -- whodunnit?" He thinks "they all did it," but Abby says that they'll find out soon enough and that "the denouement is rapidly approaching." Chris points out that answers get revealed in the denouement and that Abby doesn't have any answers. Abby reproves him for underestimating her and refers to Dawson's point about human behavior, saying that if she acts like she has the answers, the answers will "be forthcoming." "Forthcoming"? She hands Chris a stack of envelopes and orders him to distribute them, and to "be discreet about it." Chris: "You know who you are? You're Nancy Drew. From hell." Abby: "And don't you forget it." Sars: "Hello, Price Club? Yes, I know I just called, but could you send over a truck with some more Maalox?"
Book fair. Pacey wants to talk to Andie; Andie tries to blow him off by saying, "I'm busy," but Pacey blocks her book cart so she can't wheel it any farther. Andie says in a tone of forced calm, "Apparently you've been doing enough talking for both of us." Pacey: "Excuse me?" Andie, sarcastically: "You know, it's interesting that I get the cold, shut-down, non-verbal Pacey, but the rest of Capeside gets a taste of the return of Pacey Witter, underachieving town Lothario." Pacey doesn't understand, and says he knows his "weirdness yesterday" must have freaked her out and he came to talk to her about that, but that she lost him on the rest of it. Andie asks him straight out if he has told people about them, and Pacey says, "About us? Nothing," and Andie snaps, "Well, that's not what Abby Morgan says," and Pacey sort of snorts and asks since when does Andie listen to what Abby Morgan has to say, and Andie says, "She knows," and turns away with her book cart. Pacey asks, "About?" and grabs Andie's arm as she walks away, and Andie stops and says in a trembling voice, "The other night," and Pacey tries to calm her down: "Andie, what's to know? You and I shared a wonderful romantic evening." Andie laces into him: "And if you weren't happy with me, or with what happened the other night, then you should make it clear instead of spreading this sexual propaganda all over school." Pacey asks, "Are you kidding me?" but Andie keeps going: "The other night, it was personal, and the fact that there's some warped, revisionist version of it wafting all over the hallways makes me think that someone's been talking, and it makes me really not want to talk to you right now." Pacey says, "Okay, if that's what you think then I guess we really don't have anything to talk about," and walks away, and Andie watches him go and sighs and wheels her book cart up to the front counter, where she finds an envelope addressed to her. "Propaganda"? "Revisionist"?
Okay, sidebar. On the one hand, I feel bad for Pacey, because even if he wrote the note, I don't think he meant Andie any harm. On the other hand, I feel really bad for Andie, because the boy I lost my virginity to did the exact same thing to me that Andie thinks Pacey did to her, except that my boy really did talk a bunch of mean trash about me. I really wish the writers had taken time to give this issue a serious treatment, because unlike most of the so-called dramatic plot twists in "Dawson's Creek," this kind of thing happens all the time, and it sucks, and it sucks a lot. Oh, wait -- my mistake! Silly Sars, thinking the writers might actually care about subtlety and realism! Right, then -- send in the anvil!
Jen and Joey run into each other by a rack of books and exchange brusque "hey"s. Jen spots Dawson's script in Joey's bag: "So, did you read it yet?" Joey, avoiding Jen's eyes: "Flipped through it." Jen asks what Joey thought, and Joey responds, "I thought it was a one-sided view of a story that would be better left untold." Jen assumes that Joey doesn't like Dawson's version of her, and Joey says that she also wonders "what other elements of the script are autobiographical" as she stares Jen down. Jen advises Joey to "talk to the writer about that" and walks away as Joey continues to glare at her.
Jack finds an envelope taped to his locker, and as he puzzles over it, Dawson walks up to him and needles him passive-aggressively about Joey, and Jack calls him on it, and Dawson hands him the drawing and tells him to tell Joey that he was "overwhelmed -- by her talent," and Jack arches one eyebrow and says, "So was I." I never thought I would write these words, but go Jack.
More pouring rain that night. Cut to a classroom, where Jack paces up and down and looks at the envelope. Enter Jen, who calls "helloooo" and asks Jack what he's doing there. Jack reads her his invitation: "'Your presence is requested in Mr. Peterson's room at 7 p.m. -- I have something very valuable that may belong to you.'" Jen got the very same invitation. Do I hear the unmistakable whistling sound of an anvil dropping from a great height? Yes, methinks I do. Andie straggles in, followed by Pacey and Joey coming in on each other's heels by a different door, and they all grumpily wonder what's going on, and Pacey says he has a sinking feeling that he knows "exactly who's behind all of this," and Dawson says as he comes in, "Who?" Abby bounds in, marveling at all her "favorite people gathered in one room, and I forgot my camera," and as Chris sidles in holding a camcorder, she says, "Oh! No, I didn't." (Thanks for the homage, writers. Not.) Jen and Abby exchange a couple of superficial claw wounds and Pacey asks Abby to get to the point, which she does, blah blah blah mystery project blah blah blah lost letter blah blah blah Pacey looks like he ate something bad blah blah blah Abby reads the note as the group exchanges looks of suspicion and betrayal blah blah blah fishcakes. Joey, to her credit, announces, "This is absurd -- I am so out of here," but Abby asks her if she doesn't want to find out who wrote the note, and Joey ends up staying, and the "go Joey" dies on my lips. Abby goes to the podium and declaims, "Sex! The world's greatest mystery," to the accompaniment of a lightning flash, and she orates in that vein until everyone interrupts and tells her to get to the point. Abby turns on the overhead lights, pouting, "'Who wrote the letter' -- that's all you care about, isn't it?"
Abby then proceeds to take the group through her mystery-solving thought process, flinging tiresome single entendres around the room and at one point referring, I kid you not, to the "sex pig just waiting to come out [sic]" of Jack. Jack calls Abby "sick, and so wrong." Abby has no idea. Dawson: "Is she? We've all seen the picture." Joey: "What? You don't know what you're talking about, Dawson -- that picture was for art class." Dawson: "Ehhh -- what happened after the model session?" Joey: "Well, what do you care?" Dawson: "Maybe I don't." Abby: "Here we go, get this, Chris." Joey: "Oh, that's right, I mean, you're too busy rewriting your script to imitate life. I know all about you and Jen. Dawson: "What do you care?" Abby: "How sad. Romantic destiny fulfilled with the wrong people." Dawson: "Abby, you have it all wrong." Abby: "Oh, so you didn't have sex with Jen?" Dawson looks from Joey to Jen and back to Joey as Joey says, "Well, answer the question, Dawson. I mean, tell the truth." Dawson: "The truth is, you slept with Jack." Joey: "Well, maybe I did." Dawson: "Well, maybe I slept with Jen." Sars: "Oh, for god's sake, just tell us if you did or didn't." Abby: "This is good." Dawson and Joey yell at each other some more and then both yell "YES!" at the same time. They both look stunned. Jen gets up and says, "That's not the truth," and that neither of them could go through with it because "it wasn't right, and this pathetic little display here makes it all the more obvious why." Right on. Dawson slumps onto a desk as Jack gets up and sighs, "We didn't either," and gets in a few digs at Dawson. Abby reads the last portion of the note again and observes that "this only leaves Andie," who stands up and says she didn't write it, and Abby says she knows that, because she checked the handwriting and "it belongs to Pacey." Ouch -- that's gonna leave a mark. Pacey looks grimly at Andie, who says, "You wrote that?" Pacey doesn't say anything. Andie: "Well, did you, Pacey?" Pacey nods. Andie asks, "Why?" and when Pacey still doesn't say anything, she says, "Okay -- so that's why you've been so weird lately, why you've been so cold." As Pacey almost imperceptibly shakes his head, Andie asks, "What are you trying to say, Pacey -- so you sleep with me and you don't want me?" and Pacey keeps shaking his head as Andie says, "You disgust me," and stalks out. Pacey closes his eyes, gets up, and says to an equally disgusted Jack, "That's not how it is." As everyone shuffles out of the room and Abby asks Chris if he got it all on tape, Jen marches up to Abby and gets up in her face: "I don't know where you come from, or just who has the misfortune of being responsible for your existence, but you are a lying, manipulative, and cruel person, and the fact that you are only sixteen years old makes me feel more sorry for you than any of the people in this room whose lives you're so intent on destroying. You're pathetic." With that, she sort of shoulders a shocked Abby out of the way. How do you spell "backbone"? L-I-N-D-L-E-Y.
A 10-10-UGH ad with Christopher Lloyd, that insufferable "90's guy" Ford ad, and a non-Meredith-Monroe Mentos ad.
The writers continue belaboring the pathetic fallacy with more rain as Joey wraps up her oral report on Agatha Christie. Mr. Peterson tells Abby, "You're up," and as Abby gets a thick red accordion folder and a videotape out of her desk, Mr. Peterson wonders aloud if Abby plans to shock them all by turning something in on time: "Is it possible that you've finally decided to do something good for yourself and apply a little integrity to your education?" As Mr. Peterson accents the words "good" and "integrity," the members of the gang all steal apprehensive glances at Abby. Yes, I do believe that WE GET IT. In the ensuing silence, Abby blanches, puts the folder and video back in her desk, and folds her arms, saying, "I wouldn't want to disappoint you, Mr. Peterson. I didn't do it. And integrity, just for the record, is a tired notion last seen in the late seventies." Mr. Peterson gives her the promised F and calls on Andie; as she gets up, Andie passes behind Abby and whispers, "Thank you," and Abby gets all embarrassed and smiles and says, "Whatever." Um, Andie, try borrowing Jen's backbone -- you don't owe Abby anything but a kick in the pants.
In a darkened classroom, Jack takes a chair off of a desk and sits down. Jen wanders in and tells him, "School's over -- go home," and he says he's "just thinkin'." Jen asks what about, and Jack notes that "it's not much fun playing second string." I could go in so many directions with that comment that I don't know where to start, so I won't bother. Jen knows what he means, but tells him, "Don't worry, you'll get used to it. I have." Jack looks doubtful, and Jen starts to leave, but Jack pulls her up another chair and she sits down. He asks her what she's going to do about Dawson; Jen says, "Well, I guess there's really nothing I can do. I mean, as much as I love the guy, he's just not there yet, and I can take all the jerks in the world climbing in and out of my bedroom window, but when Dawson Leery does it, it better be for me." Unrequited love -- yet another scenario the writers could have explored in depth instead of cheesing out with the mystery "theme." Oh, and also, go Jen. Jack admires Jen's ability to "unleash all that on somebody you barely know" and wishes he could do that; Jen tells him to "give it a shot" and asks him why he and Joey didn't have sex. Jack, taken aback, laughs and says he "can't say," but Jen persists, so he makes her swear not to tell, and then whispers in her ear, "I, uh, couldn't get it up," and Jen says, "You couldn't get it -" and Jack says, "Shhh!" (and KR says, "Because YOU'RE GAY!"). Jen asks what happened, Jack says he "really wanted to, really badly, and it just wouldn't cooperate" and he couldn't take his clothes off because he was so scared and he thinks maybe he has a problem, and Jen says, "I've been there -- oh yeah, those things just never cooperate," and Jack bursts out laughing. First of all, like, shut up. Second of all, memo to Jack: closets have doors, so just come on out already. Third of all, if Jack couldn't get it up, why would he want a keepsake of the evening as he said in the first quarter hour?
Andie trudges through the downpour to her car and Pacey runs after her. They both get into the car, and Andie tells Pacey to get out. Pacey says, "We're not done," and Andie says, "Oh yes we are." Pacey tries to apologize for acting "so cold and so distant" lately and says a lot of stuff has happened and he doesn't know where to start, and Andie says, "You can start by getting out of the car." Pacey counters with, "Why don't I try starting with the truth." Andie sort of rolls her eyes and stares out the windshield as Pacey hands her his history quiz, on which he got an A, which "threw [him] for a loop" because he never got an A in his life before. Andie doesn't see why, since he worked so hard for it, and Pacey explains that it "changes everything" and says that his "whole life course is changing" -- in other words, now that he knows he can do well, he can't really justify slacking anymore. Pacey goes on to say, "Ever since you and I had sex, I've felt anxious, you know, wondering should we have waited, should we slow down, questioning whether or not it was the right thing to do, wishing that I had taken the high road, and that's not me -- you know, it used to be that the only comforting thing about being Pacey Witter was that I always knew what to expect." Andie listens patiently and waits for the other shoe to drop as he says, "And now I don't have a clue, and I'm terrified, and that's why I was pulling away from you." Andie, not quite satisfied with the it's-not-you-it's-me routine: "It's okay to be scared, Pacey -- I mean, the world is a scary scary place. Pacey, I don't want you to be scared of me." Pacey bursts out, "How can I not be, Andie? You are the one that's opening up this whole life for me, and just, I'm afraid that," and he leans his head on the headrest as Andie prompts, "What?" Pacey says with his eyes closed, "You are the single most important being to ever grace my existence." Then he opens his eyes, looks at Andie, and redeems himself by admitting, "Andie, I am falling hopelessly in love with you." All together now -- awwwww. Andie looks down and tries valiantly not to smile as Pacey says, "Say something, 'cause I did just kinda cut it open and lay it out for you." Andie says, "Yeah, that was -- pretty scary," and Pacey can't believe "that all -- that's all [she has] to say," but Andie hasn't finished: "No. I'll say that I share your fear." Pacey: "Yeah?" Andie: "Your exact fear." Then they kiss, and the camera cuts to a shot of them smooching in the rearview mirror with the words "objects in mirror may be closer than they appear" on it. Boy, I wish I had known boys like Pacey in high school.
Joey puts some things away in her locker; Dawson comes up to his nearby locker. They exchange an unsettled look, probably because James Van Der Beek's hair has hit an all-time low in this scene. Joey starts to say something, but doesn't. Dawson looks over at Joey a few times but doesn't say anything either. Joey heads down the hall but Dawson jumps in front of her and starts yammering about how the two of them didn't have sex and in fact only indulged in "a couple of harmless kisses," and I seem to remember enduring several dozen, but whatever, Dawson doesn't understand why they didn't sleep together: "I mean, the setting was right, the timing was perfect, but nothing happened. Why?" Joey says she knows why: "Same reason nothing happened with me. Dawson, it's not about the perfect setting and it's not about the perfect timing, um, it's about the perfect person." She leaves him standing there. Wait -- did Dawson mean Jen, or did he mean Joey? I don't get this, but whatever -- Joey goes out under the eave and stares glumly at the rain, and Dawson joins her there, and after a moment, Dawson asks Joey why she wanted him to think that she slept with Jack, and Joey says she doesn't know, but she guesses for the same reason Dawson wanted her to think he'd slept with Jen, and Dawson says, "That's not an answer," and Joey says, basically, too bad. Dawson heaves a sigh and confesses, "I'm glad you didn't," and Joey half-smiles and admits, "I'm glad you didn't either." Dawson tells Joey he misses her, and Joey -- seeming half relieved and half annoyed by this revelation -- says that she misses him too. Dawson doesn't know if they can "recapture 15 years of what [they] had," but he'll take any scrap she throws him. Joey thinks for a moment, then says, "Well, maybe -- we could start slowly." Dawson says, "Okay, yeah," and they both smile. Dawson suggests that they make a run for it since the rain looks like it won't stop, and Joey says, "No. I say we walk," and takes his arm, and they walk out into the deluge, and as Dawson wriggles out of his coat to drape it over both of them, he asks what Joey really thought of his script. Joey: "Want the whole, honest, bitter, cynical truth?" Dawson, warily: "Yeah." Joey says something about "so mysterious," and Dawson says, "You are definitely a mystery," and Joey -- smiling with her entire mouth -- says, "I like the way you see me," and they walk off into the rain under Dawson's slicker.
Altogether, not a terrible episode -- the usual pulpy writing benefited from better-than-average acting from the whole cast, and Jack's head looked normal size.