Previously: No one cared. However, I would like to take a moment to tell you all that you need to be watching Passions because right now, there's a monkey in love with a man (who just told the monkey that he's "flattered" that the monkey "has feelings" for him), a talking mystical candle, evil clowns, and a mysterious shed. It's hilarious! It's the best show ever!
Anyway. Worthington College For Whatever, I'm Too Tired To Think Of Anything Funny Here. Joey studies on her bed, as Oliver sits to her and kisses on her neck. She sort of demurs, telling him that she needs to concentrate on her studies. "How come you don't want to get with me?" he whines. "Get with me"? Oh, sweet Mary. Yeah, this guy is a total improvement over Pacey. If by "a total improvement," you mean "totally not an improvement." I already hate this episode. Joey gives him a horrified and appalled look, as he wonders why they're not having any sex. "Is there a hygiene issue I'm not aware of?" he wonders. Now that you mention it, you do look like you haven't washed your hair since 1997. Before Joey gets to that, however, Audrey comes bursting into the room, and it's all "Squee! I missed you!" and "Eeee, I love you!" and "Oooh, I totally forgive you for throwing a beer bottle at [Oliver's] head!" And then Audrey yammers something about how "the sexiest man in all of America" was on her plane. She tries to force them to guess who she's talking about, calling him "the thinking girl's dream." Since when is Audrey a thinking girl? "Ian Ziering?" Oliver shout-outs. But no -- although I would pay Sars to let me recap an episode of this show, if it were guest-starring the erstwhile Steve Sanders -- this mystery man is actually Dr. Drew Pinsky, of Loveline "fame." The girls then wax poetic about the many wondrous qualities of El Pinsky, who is a perfectly fine radio presence and a fairly handsome man, but the two of them are talking like he's Brad F'in Pitt. Seriously, I wonder if Sony owns a share in Loveline, because the amount of awe-filled exposition in this scene borders on the embarrassing.
Speaking of embarrassing, Joey and Audrey are then forced to explain who "Dr. Drew and Adam Corolla" are, what they do on Loveline, what Loveline is, and when and where it used to air. (And yes, I know that the radio show is still on the air: I grew up listening to the show before it was even syndicated. And I'm sorry, but I think that its heyday is basically past. Which is why I don't feel too bad saying that this plot feels about six years too old.) Audrey then makes a series of loud squealing sounds -- much like a dolphin -- as Joey tells her that Adam and Drew are appearing at Boston Bay College of I Am So Happy We've Only Got Four Episodes Left If This Is The Kind of Filler They're Going To Give Us While We're All Killing Time Waiting For The Finale as part of a fundraiser for the Please God, Help Me Helpline. And then Audrey runs into the bathroom. "She's baaaaack," Joey twitters, and then she and Oliver dissolve into giggles. My God, man! This is how they're following up last week's Emotionally Involving Tear-Jerker? Forty-eight minutes of filler about two guys who've never been on this show and never will be again? Where's Pacey? How's he dealing with Joey dumping him? What's Dawson doing at home with his mother and Lily? What about Grams? We just found out she has cancer! Well, sure -- it makes sense that, instead of dealing with any of those stories, we spend an hour talking about Audrey's imaginary boyfriend number seventeen, Dr. Drew. Maybe I'll just spend the rest of this recap talking about Michael Vartan.
Over at the I Haven't Had A Day Off In Three Weeks, So If This Recap Seems Disjointed, I Really Do Apologize Helpline, Jen and Blandy bicker. Basically, she breaks up with him for seemingly no reason, but really because she's all broken up over Grams. The end. Oh, fine. But. I'm only going into more detail because there's a mean crack about Ryan Seacrest. To wit: Jen says she's nervous about hosting this Drew/Adam fundraiser thing, and Blandy reassures her. "Who knows, you could become the Ryan Seacrest. You could borrow one of his man blouses," he says. See, that was sort of funny. By the way, there are like a hundred more people at the Help! I Need Somebody Helpline than usual, so I suspect that Sony's ponyed up for a little more cash as far as the extras budget goes. When Jen doesn't burst into hysterical laughter at the man-blouse crack, Blandy asks why she's so tense, and she totally lies. Can someone please explain why Jen's working at the helpline, instead of calling it, like, every night of her life? Because she's the most screwed-up person on this show. And that's including a motherless girl whose drug-dealing dad landed in the pokey, a totally self-loathing homosexual who hasn't taken his shirt off all season, and a guy with a giant skull whose dad was felled by a killer vanilla microphone. Anyway, he's all, "Come back to my house after the benefit. We could have drunken sexual intercourse, if you know what I mean, and I think you do," and she's like, "I have to help Grams," and he's all, "I can help you help Grams," and she goes, "No, you can't," and he's like, "Why?" and she's all, "Because, [Blandy], I'm breaking up with you. See you tonight." And then she leaves. Poor Blandy looks confounded, as usual.
Joey's. She wants to go to class. Oliver wants to "get with [her]." That is the least sexy euphemism for sex, like, ever. I'd really almost rather a boy asked me if I was interested in riding his jock. Anyway, Joey seems to agree that he's really not working the sweet talk, because she tells him that he's creeping her out with that phrase. She then announces that she doesn't want to talk about sex. "Why?" he asks. Because she's Joey Potter, Oliver, and it makes her uncomfortable. "I get it. I repulse you," Oliver whines. Because nothing's hotter than guilting your girlfriend into sex. Joey assures him that he doesn't repulse her, but she tells him that talking about sex makes her, yes, feel uncomfortable. I'd say something here about how, if you're too uncomfortable to talk about sex, you probably shouldn't be having it, but I'm old, it's late, and I just don't care anymore. This is also the section where I usually complain about how orange Joey is, but there are only so many vitamin C jokes you can make. So, we cut to Audrey in bed, groaning for them to "just do it already and be quiet." Joey rolls her eyes and stomps out. Oliver sits on the bed and eats his cereal. Does he live there now? Like, I know the room is big, but it's not cool to have your boyfriend move into your dorm room. My roommate did that freshman year, and the guy used to walk around without pants on. I mean, totally naked from the waist down. Not just in our room; he did it all over our floor. She also used to change her tampons in front of me, right there in our room. Yeah, that was a tough year. So, Audrey asks Oliver if he wants to make out. "No," Oliver drawls. "Good. That was your test, buddy. You break her heart again and I'm going to kill you. You got it?" she says, then flops back into bed to go back to sleep. I wish I was asleep. Sweet, sweet sleep. How I miss you.
Over at Boston Bay, people are lining up for tickets to the stupid fundraiser. And I'm sorry, but I can't believe how dumb and toothless this particular plotline is. Basically, some hot guy hits on TGED, and he's all, "I have a boyfriend," and then he introduces the hot guy -- whose name is Fred -- to Jack, and Jack is all, "How you doing," and there's some yammering about Fred's good taste and Jack sort of gives him the eye, and then Fred leaves and TGED reflects that he was really nice, and Jack agrees, and I can't believe that this is how they're breaking the two of them up. I feel like I'm in fifth grade all over again.
Inside the auditorium, Jen is pacing around, looking too thin and complaining about how nervous she is to be hosting this very, very important event. "What if no one asks any questions?" she asks. Hey, I have a question: Why is there an episode about nothing stuck in this part of the season? The filler ought to be behind us, now that there are only four episodes left. Blah blah, Jen needs a ringer, in case the audience clams up. TGED -- who's watching her hold a plate of cheese like he's a mouse who hasn't eaten in six months -- tells her that he won't do it, because he has a fear of public speaking, and then he scampers off to collect some more tickets so that Jen and Blandy can have their second non-confrontational confrontation of the night in peace. "What are you doing here?" Jen snaps. "I work here, bitch," Blandy says. Actually, he's a bit nicer. He tells her that he wants to talk about the break-up, but she stutters something incoherent about cold cuts and runs away.
Backstage, Audrey runs around like a total fool, begging Jen to introduce her to Dr. Drew. Has she no self-respect? Wait, this is Audrey. Never mind. Then there's some horribly embarrassing dialogue with Adam Corolla and I just can't transcribe it without bursting into flames of horror. The phrase "the Corolla-coaster" is used. Please don't make me do any more. At least Audrey's hair looks totally adorable. She informs poor Adam that she's actually in love with Dr. Drew. Adam snorts. "The geezer's probably out casket shopping. He's old. He's an old man. He's old enough to be your grandfather," he says. But he'd be happy to have sex with her, he offers. Audrey just wonders if Adam has ever seen Drew naked. "Yes, yes I have," he says. Excuse me, I have to go scrub out my cerebellum with lye.
Then we've got approximately seventeen minutes of filler: people walk into the auditorium and take their seats, basically. FOREVER. Eventually, Jack sits down and saves a seat for TGED. Fred comes up and tells him that people would kill for that empty seat. "Where's your boyfriend?" he asks. "Clearly, not where he's supposed to be," Jack snaps. And then he gives TGED's seat to Fred. And in all my years of recapping -- four, if you're interested -- I've never recapped a plot as slight as one about seat-saving. Well, maybe that time Joey stood in the add/drop line. And that episode of The X-Files about The Brady Bunch was horrible. I have to stop thinking about this. My head hurts.
More sitting. Joey and Oliver file into their seats, and he's still yapping about their sex life. Finally, Joey tells him to shut it. He really is spectacularly dense, isn't he?
On the other side of the auditorium, Jack is -- wait, I decided that I'm not recapping a storyline about seat-saving. I'm just not. All you need to know is that TGED is really pissed that Jack gave his seat away, and he makes Fred move his hot little ass and plops down in his seat, pouting and giving Jack dirty looks.
Then Dr. Drew and Adam come onstage, and the crowd claps like it's a Beatles reunion including all four original members and a special appearance by Elvis Presley and John F. Kennedy. Jen does the MC thing, and asks for questions from the audience. No one has any, of course. "Bueller?" Jen asks, plaintively. No, she really said that. In the front row, Audrey wiggles in her seat like she's got crabs and squeals for Jen to pick her. Jen wisely ignores her. Blandy steps up to the plate, announcing that he has a question, and Jen stammers that he's not allowed to ask a question, and Dr. Drew gives her this "girl, please" look and tells him to go for it. And Blandy is all, basically, "What the fuck is up with my girlfriend who dumped me with no warning or explanation at all?" He sniffles that she treats him like "Father Damian," who, he explains, "was a leper." Let's take that as a shout-out to our own delightful Demian, who isn't a leper at all. Adam tells Blandy that his mysterious girlfriend is a headcase. "Run," he says. Jen suggests nervously that they move along. Frankly, I think Blandy ought to take that advice to heart.
Meanwhile, in the audience, Oliver is loudly berating Joey about her unwillingness to get with him. Again. And she tells him to shut it. Again. And he tells her not to tell him to shut it, and then the audience gets just quiet enough so that they can hear him screaming that he doesn't understand why it's so hard for her to talk about sex and yes, the thing you know, they're onstage. Why, I didn't see that coming at all.
Once they get up there, Joey tells Jen that she's going to kill her, and Dr. Drew starts right in on the psychoanalyzing, but no one cares because no one in the entire audience cares about Oliver anymore. And by "audience," I mean the TV audience. Even Kate Hudson's turned over to American Idol by this point. Oliver, by the way, has just told Dr. Drew that Joey is "emotionally unstable." She points out that Oliver abandoned her twice. At this, Adam announces that he doesn't like the cut of Oliver's jib. Nice boating reference. I don't know if that was intentional, but let's take it as a subtle reminder of the fact that Pacey didn't pressure Joey to have sex, even though they spent an entire summer on a boat, while Oliver has her onstage talking about her hang-ups in front of a bunch of strangers. That was a nice, subtle moment. Go, writers! , Adam quite rightly points out that you can't expect a girl you've abandoned twice to trust you. "Are you high, son? No wonder she's cut you off," he says. Dr. Drew asks if abandonment is a big issue for Joey. Jen nods knowingly beside her, but Joey denies this, which is ridiculous, because of course it is. Drew asks about Joey's dad, and she's all, "That's none of your business," and he's all, "Lots of people have issues with their dads," and Jen pats Joey and assures her that she's very "normal in her abnormality." This show is so bad. Actually, that's not really fair. It's most uneven. Last week was really good. This week...isn't even the same show.
Anyway, the person with a question is TGED. He brings up this absurd seat-saving thing, equating it with cheating, and Dr. Drew wonders if Jack is trying to send TGED "a message," and Jen pipes up that Jack is just being nice to this other boy, and that TGED ought to "forgive and forget." Adam rolls his eyes. "Are you high, missy? You've got to dump this guy and I'm not just saying that because he's a gay," he says. I'd complain about that line, but Adam says shit like that all the time, if I recall my Loveline watching days correctly. And actually, that show was full of ringers, because I saw an actor friend of mine from college on there once, posing a man who could only get it up if his partner was wearing tube socks. Yeah, I don't know who made that story up, either.
, Audrey sneaks behind a scrim, ostensibly to ask a question, but really to proposition Dr. Drew. Blandy steps in in the middle of her ridiculous spiel to ask, once again, about his own problem. "Why did this girl rip my heart out?" he asks. Drew decides that this is would be a good time for Jen to give the audience a sample of the kind of high-quality counseling available at the helpline. Jen tells Blandy that "this girl" isn't out to get him, and that she's just confused. Blandy makes a face like, "Duh." Jen continues, saying that "this girl" has "a lot on her plate, and no time for a relationship." And she doesn't want a boyfriend right now! The crowd finally catches on to the fact that she's Blandy's mystery woman, and it makes noise like she's revealed that she's actually a man or something. Dr. Drew wonders what the hell is wrong with her, albeit more nicely, and Jen explains that, actually, Blandy is the ideal man. "He's perfect," she explains, and says that if she were to "start a boy from scratch," he'd end up just like Blandy. "Then why did you break up with him?" Drew asks. Jen flushes and suggests they get back to Joey. Drew looks at these two very screwed-up girls and wonders if either one of them was abused. Oliver helpfully squeals that Pa Witter spent some time in the big house, and then everyone starts talking at the same time, and Jen storms offstage in a huff, where she flings her microphone at Audrey and tells her that she can play host.
This cues up yet more filler. Seriously, this is the fluffiest episode I've ever recapped. There was seriously, like, less than half an hour of action this week. At any rate, there's this whole bit here which covers random questions from the audience and serves only to establish that Audrey is a very good host and that Josh Jackson, who directed this episode, really likes the split screen. Eventually, Audrey wraps the evening up with a perky plug for the Help You Help Me Helpline, and then we get three more minutes of the audience filing out of the auditorium. The script for this episode must really have run short, or it ran long or they had to cut out an enormous hunk of it and had nothing to fill that hole with. At any rate, it feels awfully slight.
Backstage after the show, Joey and Oliver bicker. Adam steps in and basically tells Oliver to give Joey a break, because she's so damn hot. Poor Adam; he's infected with the IT. Maybe Dr. Drew can write him a prescription for that. Oliver then reveals that he's twenty-five, and Adam yammers that, when he was twenty-five, he lived in his parents' basement and only dreamt of girls as awe-inspiringly hot as the utterly perfect and completely flawless Joey Potter. He adds that today's co-eds dress a lot sluttier, and that Oliver ought to be grateful, dammit! Then he gets Joey to admit that she doesn't trust Oliver, and that little factoid makes the fact that she just broke up with Pacey so very much clearer! Except totally not. "Well, my work is done here. I'm going to get some cheese," Adam announces, as the Idiot Couple stares at each other.
Oliver tells Joey that he doesn't blame her for not trusting him. Well, that's big of him. Joey sniffles that they're "living in a fantasy," and now they have to start living in the real world. What does that even mean? At long last, Oliver apologizes for giving her such a hard time about not wanting to have sex with him. He tells her that he knows there's nothing he can say to earn her trust, but that it's time for her to "take a leap of faith and know that [he] loves [her] more than anything in this world." And, as easy as that, Joey starts making out with him. Whatever. The two of them deserve each other at this point.
Meanwhile, towards the front of the auditorium, TGED and Jack break up over the seat-saving issue. Yes. Yes, over SEAT-SAVING. I don't even know what to say about that. I guess, technically, TGED just tells Jack to either apologize with him or break up with him, and Jack brats, "Fine! Sorry!" and TGED yelps that he "deserves better" and stomps off, and Jack just looks at the ground and bites his lip. I would have loved to have been in the story meeting when this episode was pitched. Were they all, "And Jack and TGED break up! Because of a misunderstanding about seat-saving," and the Powers That Be were all, "Yes! Seat-saving is a phenomenon that we haven't yet explored! The youth of today must learn about the delicate etiquette of saving seats! Let's do a PSA to follow this episode, warning America about the danger of not saving a seat for your boyfriend! Clear a spot on my desk for my Peabody!"
To wrap it up with our third idiotic couple: Jen and Blandy meet outside, and they do this bit where she pretends to call the Andrea Zuckerman Memorial Helpline, and he pretends to answer it, and then he tells her that she needs to trust him enough to confide in him, and I must admit that he seems somewhat less bland to me. In fact, I think that I might rather like him. And in honor of that, I'm going to restore his actual name and start calling him CJ. And that has nothing to do with the fact that "CJ" is a lot quicker to type than "Blandy." Anyhoo, at long last, Jen sniffles that Grams is real sick and she's totally freaked out! CJ makes a very sympathetic face and wraps her in his arms and tells her she's allowed to have as many freak-outs as she needs. Aw. I wish these two would make a go of it. But I assume that, week, Jen will dump him because he accidentally brought her regular Coke instead of Diet, as things tend to go that way on this show.
Thank God, it's almost over. Audrey runs into her dream lover, Dr. Drew, on her way out the door, and she makes this long boring speech about how, like, Loveline saved her life while she was in rehab, or some shit. "It made me feel less alone," she says. "So I just wanted to say thank you. For being you. And the truth is, I don't know if I could have done it without you," she says. Oh, please. It's a good enough show, but it's not that good. And this is so totally dated. Loveline was a current cultural reference in, like, 1998. "Plus, you're like totally hot," she adds, and he asks her if she needs a ride. "I would love one. But I know that you're married, so we must keep our distance, Drew," she says, as they walk off. Um, okay. I know that Drew is married, because I used to listen to Loveline all the time, but that fact wasn't mentioned in the show at all. Which makes me wonder, when did Audrey find that out? And if she knew it all the time, why was she jonsing so hard to, er, get with him until this point? Was that all just an act? Was a line cut? Was -- oh, screw it. We've only got four episodes left. Let's just put our heads down and plow through.
And week, I'm taking a week off so that my head doesn't explode. Be nice to Miss Alli while I'm gone, okay? I'm going to go pass out.