Previously: Natasha cheated on Dawson with Todd; Audrey turned into an irritating and alcoholic pain in the ass; Joey and Oliver had sex.
Fade up. The camera pans across a very twee ceramic townscape, populated by little ceramic post offices and general stores and tiny little schoolhouses, the kind that people collect and then set out across the mantle at Christmas. "Once upon a time, in a galaxy not entirely unlike our own, there was a girl," Joey voice-overs. Oh, dear God. I hate the pretentious voice-over. Voice-overs in general are tough to pull off, I think, and this show rarely manages to craft one that doesn't make me want to puncture my eardrums with a fish fork. "There was nothing extraordinary about this girl. She was, by her own estimation, a relatively simple sort," Joey continues, as we pan across more of the town. I think "simple" is, really, a very nice word for the sort of girl Joey is. "Yet she was cursed," Joey says as we continue to pan across the Town of Twee. "For as long as she could remember, her romantic life had been something of a disaster. Boys fell too hard, too fast, or not at all." Oh, that's the saddest story I've ever heard! Too many boys love her too much! That's a tragedy! Let me find a hankie! Shut up, Joey. "She'd long since given up on the notion of a functional relationship." At nineteen? Sweet Mary! I didn't give up on love until I was at least twenty-five. "Which is why, in the winter of her nineteenth year, she was surprised to find herself in the company of a boy who made her feel as if the curse had been lifted, if only temporarily," Joey concludes. As I finish dry-heaving, the camera pulls back to reveal Joey and Oliver investigating the aforementioned twee, wee ceramic town, which has been set up in the window of a small local store.
Joey and Oliver walk the streets of Boston, all bundled up in their winter woolies. Instead of just enjoying the winter night and her dreamy escort's company, however, Joey decides to take this romantic setting as an invitation to berate the poor boy. "Chocolate or vanilla?" she asks. "Chocolate," Oliver tells her. Are we talking about ice cream here, or cupcakes? I'm a vanilla ice cream girl, but a chocolate cake girl. In case, you know, you want to send me some baked goods. Still, that's an important distinction. "Cake, or pie?" Joey asks. "Pie," Oliver says. "Coke or Pepsi?" Joey asks. "Coke," Oliver answers. "Christmas or Halloween?" she wonders. "Halloween," Oliver says. Joey flaps her arms and squeals that this settles it! They have nothing in common. Yes, that Cake Versus Pie distinction has ruined countless marriages. Maybe the reason that you're incapable of having a functional relationship, Joey, is that you refuse to pick your battles. Religion? Can be a stumbling block. Money is often an issue with couple. Children -- wanting them when one partner doesn't, and vice versa -- can be a deal-breaker. But pie? Pie never broke anyone. Oliver shrugs that at least the sex is good. "Please, I had better sex in elementary school," Joey twitters. Oh, ew! That's not even funny. That's just weird. Oliver just sighs and asks if they're done with "this month's Cosmo compatibility test." He wonders if they can please just "get on with [their] lives," and then kisses her. Joey pulls back and invites him, out of the clear blue sky, to "Christmas in Capeside." Oliver raises his brows and looks at the ground and says nothing.
"I just said that out loud, didn't I?" Joey asks. "Yeah, pretty much," Oliver says. Joey announces that she crossed that line, "the line where girls pressure their boyfriends into doing stuff they don't want to do and I just used the word 'boyfriend' and I'm a mess and I apologize," she sputters. Oliver tells her calmly that it's okay, and starts back to walking down the street. But Joey stops him and retracts her apology. She wants him to meet "[her] dysfunctional family," she says. She wants him to help her convince "[her] retarded sister that [they] should buck tradition and get a real tree." Wow, what a compelling invite! Dysfunction and retardation! I think most people have enough of that in their own families. Oliver sort of grins and reminds her that he'll be spending the holiday with his own family, thank you very much, and that, for what it's worth, he thinks they're moving too fast. Joey trots along beside him in a smart red coat (how many pretty winter coats does Poor Little Joey Potter From The Wrong Side Of The Tracks own, anyway?) and yelps that, clearly, she's "a typical girl and [he's] a typical guy." She's just a girl. And he's just a boy. Can she make it any more obvious? Anyway, Joey delineates their gender roles by explaining that she clearly wants him to commit, while he's clearly scared of commitment. Holy cliché, Batman! Did someone leave a copy of The Rules in the writer's room? Oliver simply points out that meeting the parents is a huge deal, especially during the holidays. "Pencil me in for President's Day weekend," he smiles. Joey smirks back. "Fine, but don't think we're ever having sex again," she twitters. I don't think Katie Holmes has ever tried to be so cute in her entire life. It's making my teeth hurt. And, frankly, I think this Joey Potter: In Love! act feels awfully forced. I'd believe her relationship with Oliver a whole lot more if Katie Holmes took the hair-tossing, twittering, and Patented Tongue Between The Teeth Grin down a notch or two, because right now she doesn't look cute as much as she looks sort of needy and deranged. Oliver dubs this "typical girl behavior." Because she's "using sex as a weapon." Oh my God. "Shut up," Joey says, smiling. "You've very pretty. Have I told you that?" Oliver wheedles. Joey sticks her tongue between her teeth -- yes, again -- and grins. "Sucking up will get you nowhere," she tells him. And…credits. What the hell kind of crappy act-out was that? How in the world does that scene make the viewer want to stay tuned?
After the credits, we open on the snow-covered halls of Worthington School For Drunken Rich Girls And Their Sanctimonious Roommates. Joey packs her suitcase as Audrey stumbles into their room. "Allow me to count the ways in which I suck," she announces. Oh, wait, I know this one! Okay, number one: you used to be funny, and now you're just a pain in the ass. Number two: you used to be entertaining, and now I want to smack you. Hard. Right in the kisser. Number three: somewhere down the line, you turned into a total spoiled bitch. Number four: despite all of this, you've also become incredibly boring, possibly because your Downward Spiral storyline is agonizingly predictable. Number five: I'm sorry, but your skin? Is really, really bad. Seriously, Audrey has yet another monster zit in this scene. I have to wonder what's going on with Busy Philipps. Did she piss off her facialist? Do the makeup people hate her? Is she on drugs? What's the story with that? Anyway, Audrey just explains that she got wasted in the airport bar and missed her flight home to Los Angeles. My hometown heaves a giant sigh of relief. Audrey-free for twenty-four more glorious hours! Joey looks mildly alarmed and wonders if it's a little early to be drinking, even for Audrey. Audrey snits that it doesn't count if you're traveling, and points out that she always has to get "sauced" to fly. Why don't they just put Audrey in a shirt that reads "I Am In A Horrible, Potentially Tragic Downward Spiral. Stay Tuned!"?
Joey shrugs casually that if Audrey isn't careful, she'll be spending the semester in rehab. "Rehab? Rehab is for quitters," Audrey "jokes." Joey has no comment, but merely wonders what Audrey's plans are. Audrey tells Joey that she can't get a flight out of town until the day, which is, she exposits, Christmas Day. Wait, they're still in the dorms on Christmas Eve? When I was in college, the dorms closed entirely for Christmas break. Everyone had to be out the Saturday after finals. Why wouldn't Joey want to be home in time for Christmas Eve, anyway? Maybe she had to work? Let's just decide that and move on. Anyway, Joey makes the biggest mistake of her life and invites Audrey to come back to Capeside. "It's just too depressing to be traveling on Christmas Day," Joey offers by way of explanation. Well, I guess it is, if you celebrate Christmas. I mean, I don't particularly want to be on a plane on December 25th, if only because I don't want to miss my mother's potato casserole, but I don't think it bothers my Jewish or Buddhist friends all that much. And I know it's Christmas, and everyone loves a Christmas episode, but is no one on this show Jewish? Or Hindu? Or Muslim? On the other hand, it's not like Dawson's Creek is a hotbed of racial and ethnic diversity during the rest of the year either, so I'm not all that surprised, really.
Where was I? Ah, yes. Audrey whines that she doesn't want to intrude, but Joey explains that they're all invited to dinner at Dawson's, so it's bound to be awful anyway. Or something like that. Audrey moans that she doesn't know. She feels like the only thing she's accomplished this semester is "alienating everyone." Hmm, if we include the audience in that...well, yes. Yes, that's true. Joey listens calmly as Audrey whimpers that she's already done "the Capeside thing" and "quite frankly, it was a stultifying bore." It is at this point that I would have said a snippy "fine!" and gone back to packing, but Joey reminds Audrey that she's "preaching to the choir" about the relative boring-ness of Capeside, and insists that Audrey is coming with her. Audrey makes a face. "My father's going to be there," Joey wheedles. "Can I ask him about prison?" Audrey asks. Joey nods, smiling, and Audrey reluctantly agrees. They hug. Then Joey goes off to take a shower or something, and Audrey takes a bottle of vodka from her bag and takes a big old swig. Because, I don't know if you've heard, but she's in a horrible, self-destructive downward spiral.
Capeside Revisited. Pacey pulls up in front of Casa Witter in a brand-new BMW convertible. Doug is out on the porch waiting for him. Yay, Doug! "Pacey, is that you?" he asks, as Pacey pours himself out of the car in a leather jacket. "Merry Christmas," Pacey calls. "Yeah, right back at you," Doug says as he comes down the steps and they embrace. "What did you do to my little brother?" Doug asks, fingering Pacey's goatee and taking in his posh car and clothes. "I murdered that punk," Pacey says. Self-Loathing, your table is ready. "Good to know," Doug retorts blandly. "You look..." he trails off. "Hip, handsome and hetero?" Pacey finishes for him. "I was going to say 'slick, sleazy and smarmy,' but okay," Doug says. Pacey gives Doug's sweater -- a green concoction with embroidered snowflakes -- a gander and snarks that "[Doug's] sexuality is still as dubious as ever. It's good to see that some things never change." Right. Like how that Doug Is Gay schtick has never, ever been amusing. At least it's continuity, though, so I probably shouldn't be complaining. Doug ignores this remark and wonders what happened to Pacey's Mustang. "It made for a most excellent trade-in," Pacey coos as he opens his trunk, which is spilling over with gifts. "Give me a hand?" he asks. Doug looks at the piles of presents and wonders how Pacey can afford all of this. Pacey reminds him he "works for a living." Doug cracks that Pacey must be working...as a crack dealer. Wait. Don't the Witters know that Pacey's working as a stockbroker? I mean, isn't that something you tell your family? Why wouldn't he tell them about his new job? Why is that a secret? That makes no sense! ["Neither does the fact that he still has that job, since 1) he kind of sucks at it and 2) he tried to give his boss a beatdown, but…forget it. The Mulder action figure and I will be in the freezer." -- Sars] Pacey smarms that he wishes his job was as easy as selling crack, but that at least he gets to go home with wads of cash in his pocket. I wish Pacey were selling crack. That might get interesting.
Casa Leery. Natasha and Dawson are trimming the tree. She leans over and kisses him. Why is Natasha with Dawson for Christmas? Doesn't she have a family of her own? Is she an orphan? "What was that for?" Dawson asks. Natasha simpers that it was just a thank you for bringing her home to meet Gale...and for just being himself. "I's [sic] a lucky girl, Dawson," she tells him. Blearf. Dawson looks toward the kitchen, where Gale is carrying Lily on her hip and chatting up an already soused Todd (who is also, apparently, an orphan). Dawson wonders absently if Gale really "grilled" Natasha. Natasha shrugs that Gale just wanted to know what Natasha's intentions were. Dawson raises a quizzical brow. "I told her that, aside from ringing in the new year with her one and only son, I didn't much know or care," Natasha chirps. Dawson looks vaguely shocked. "Nicely put," he says, then, changing the subject, wonders if his mother is safe in the kitchen with Todd. "Oh, I don't think anyone is safe from the drunk and horny Todd," Natasha snickers, and gets up to go chat with her director.
As Natasha exits the living room, Gale enters with a plate of cheese. I'd like to point out that Gale's skin tone is, for once in her life, a totally normal color. No fake-and-bake, no body bling. Just...skin. Way to go, Gale. I'd long suspected it that is was the influence of the Flash that led to your almost pathological dependence on Mythic Tan. Gale sets the cheese on the table and tells Dawson that Natasha is "a trip." Dawson makes some evasive noises, and Gale casually wonders what the situation is with the two of them, anyway -- is it serious? Is Natasha his girlfriend? Or is this "some kind of casual sex thing?" Dawson shudders. "Okay, first of all, that's disgusting," he says, then tells his mother that he simply doesn't know. He has no idea where he and Natasha are heading or how to define their relationship. "And that's okay with you?" Gale pries. Dawson shrugs that he really doesn't have a choice. "So, that's how they do things in California?" Gale asks. Dawson snorts noncommittally. Yes, folks: that's how we do it in California. It's all just casual sex and tofu out here. Gale looks at the tree and chuckles that if someone had told her that one day her son would be bringing home his "movie star girlfriend" and "a big time director," she would have "laughed in their face." How kind. Dawson snickers awkwardly as Gale folds her arms and sighs that the Flash really would have enjoyed this. "Although I don't think he would have enjoyed watching your boss hit on me," she adds. Oh, come on. Like Todd would be putting the moves on Gale if the Flash were there. At this moment, Todd and Natasha stroll in bearing nog, and Gale drags Natasha into the kitchen to check on dinner. Todd swigs his nog and wonders if Dawson would mind if he "had a go" at Gale. Dawson flares his nostrils, disgusted. "What?" he asks. And...yet another stellar end of scene.
Cue the Holly, Jolly Christmas Montage. At Casa Leery, Lily toddles around the living room, holding gifts and swaying perilously close to the fire. Jen and Grams are in a practically empty church, which makes no sense at all because if there's one day in the entire year during which every Christian church is packed to the gills, it's Christmas. Over at the Potter B&B, Alexander runs around the living room as the family decorates their traditional fake tree. Audrey, for her part, spends some quality time staring sadly out the window, thinking about her Spiral and how very, very Downward it is.
The morning. Casa Potter. Alexander toddles into Joey's room. "Auntie Joey, Auntie Joey, it's Christmas!" he squeals. Aw, Alexander is so cute! Joey sleepily opens her eyes and tries to convince him that it's far too early to open presents. But Alexander isn't buying it. Which makes sense, because he's, you know, four. And when you're four, you want to open gifts immediately or sooner. Enter Bad Dad Mike Potter, carrying a cup of something warm. Possibly booze. Joey groans that Audrey kept her up all night (doing what? Crying? Barfing? Trying to take off her pants? We are never to know). Mr. Potter just gives her a look, so Joey finally peels herself out of bed and puts on a robe. "What does a girl have to do to get some sleep around here?" she grouses. "Well, Merry Christmas to you, too," Mr. Potter retorts. Then he explains that there's "a boy" waiting for her at the front door, and she'd best not keep him waiting. What? What time is it? Why is said boy still outside? Is it not cold in Capeside? Does a polite person not invite a visitor inside? So. Many. Questions!
Anyway, Joey goes to investigate, throwing the Potter Fake Tree a dirty look as she goes. The boy waiting for her, of course, is Oliver. Who has brought her a real live tree. Snowflakes dust Oliver's Marty McFly ensemble as he leans against his car and grins at her. She smiles back. Am I fired if I admit that I really liked that moment?
While Joey and Oliver bond over evergreens, Audrey rummages through the Potter medicine cabinet. Sadly, she doesn't find anything to her liking. She stares at herself in the mirror and takes a swig from her flask. "Nobody likes you," she tells her reflection. "You are a loser. And don't forget it." Check…check…and check! Seriously, are we supposed to feel sorry for Audrey? Because she's been such a pain-in-the-ass-y bitch this season that I'm just waiting for her to drop dead. Finally, she wanders out into the living room, and asks Mr. Potter where "Tony and Maria" are. Okay, first of all: I was under the impression that Alexander wanted to open his stocking. Are they making the kid wait while Joey canoodles with a stranger on the porch? Or is this later? Second, Joey and Oliver are so not Tony and Maria, especially since he's not in a gang and he hasn't killed any of her family members. Well, not yet. Mr. Potter says that the lovebirds are outside. Audrey nods and fingers the new, real tree, which has been nicely decorated and placed by the fire. Oh, okay: I guess Joey and Oliver came inside, set up the new tree, and then went back outside. Why are they outside all the time? Oh, whatever. Mr. Potter asks Audrey what she knows about Oliver. "I don't know. Chip on his shoulder, blow on his collar?" Audrey offers snidely, and sits down. Mr. Potter shrugs that Joey seems to like him, and wonders if they're serious. "Like a heart attack," Audrey says, telling him that Oliver "incorporates the best of Pacey and Dawson, making him, like, the T-1000 of love interests." Mr. Potter lets this sink in. And then Audrey asks him what he can tell her about the joint.
Out on the porch, Joey and Oliver are indeed canoodling. He kisses her neck. Joey sighs and wonders what made him change his mind. "I missed you," Oliver says. "I missed you," he repeats. She turns and sniffs that he can go now, then. "I wouldn't want you to be at the critical juncture of Too Much, Too Soon too long." Oliver rolls his eyes and tells her to shut up. Something he and I have in common, actually. She kisses him and they're mid-spit-swap when Mr. Potter steps onto the porch and snorts loudly. They leap apart, and he chuckles. Mr. Potter sends Joey inside with some trumped-up excuse about Bessie needing her help. Joey shoots Oliver a concerned glance and wonders if he'll be okay. "As long as your father promises to go easy on me," Oliver smiles. "I'll be gentle, I promise," Mr. Potter says. I know there's a prison joke in there somewhere, if only I could find it. So Joey goes inside and Oliver attempts to make weather-related small talk. "Tell me about yourself," Mr. Potter finally asks. Oliver wonders shakily what Mr. Potter wants to know, and then almost immediately spills the beans about being an unemployed college drop-out. The convicted drug-dealer who cheated on his dying wife looks unimpressed. Oliver sputters that Joey is great. Mr. Potter agrees. The men stare out at the snow in uncomfortable silence.
Casa Leery. Dawson is putting on his shirt. I'll spare you my usual tirade about his naked body, since I'm pretty sure you all have it memorized by this point. You know, "Ack! Ew! My eyes! My eyes! Why, God? Why me, God, why?" and so forth. Dawson examines the photographs on his wall, one of Joey and two group shots of the gang in happier times. He's reminiscing (I assume) when Natasha strolls in, all ready to sex him up. She pushes him on the bed and straddles him, cooing that it turns her on to do it in his childhood bedroom. Wow. Yeah. Excuse me. I'm just going to read a book while that happens. I'm just going to slowly look away from the TV screen. No sudden movements. Natasha and Dawson start to make out. And Dawson pulls away. Oh, thank God. I didn't have it in me to recap another Topless Dawson Sex Scene. "What's wrong with you?" Natasha asks. Dawson half-assedly assures her that everything is fine, but she knows she doesn't have his full attention. Dawson finally heaves a giant sigh, thrusting his chest hair ever more offensively out of his shirt, and admits that he's thinking about Tag. Natasha takes this opportunity to makes some crack about his "orientation." Dawson doesn't find this amusing and instead solemnly snits that he knows she lied to him about Tag. "So, what's your point?" Natasha asks. Dawson snips that it bothers him, and slides off the bed. "I thought I could play the game and just keep my mouth shut, but I can't. That's not who I am," he announces dramatically. He needs to know "what [they're] doing." Natasha looks weary. "We're having fun, Dawson," she tells him, but Dawson calls that "crap." He points out that if they were just having fun, Natasha wouldn't have been so upset when he slept with Joey. "Well, I was just being dramatic," Natasha admits. Dawson can't believe this! Natasha insists that it's true! Dawson can't believe that this is just some fun little fling! "Are you on your period, Dawson?" Natasha finally asks. Dawson spits that he "gets it" now. Natasha gets some "perverse little thrill out of screwing the help!" Natasha says nothing, but gets up and starts to leave. Almost at the door, she thinks better of it and turns to tell him that he gets some perverse thrill out of showing her off! Then she tells him that, when he's old and gray, he's really going to regret not banging the hell out of her in his childhood bedroom! "But that's what you get when you think with your brain when you should be thinking with your…well, I think you know," she says, and stomps out. I don't know if Dawson does, though, because he just looks befuddled as she slams the door.
The Potter Clan, plus Bodie and Oliver ["Yay, Bodie! Damn, I almost regret not watching the ep now" -- Sars], climb out of the car and head toward Dawson's house. Oliver asks Joey why they're all at Dawson's house, anyway. Joey apologetically wonders if this is going to be weird for him. He shrugs that he's "got no beef" with Dawson. "And if he's got a beef with me, I think I could take him," he chuckles. Joey doesn't think it will come to that, but tells him that it's "good to know." He asks if it'll be weird for her. "Well, yeah," she admits, "but that's just the way it is. That's the way it'll always be." Or, you know, until you grow up and get over it and stop socializing with the same three people all the time. Anyway, she promises him that they'll eat, behave civilly, and then get the hell out of there. Oliver takes this opening to wonder if Joey would like to come back with him to his house to meet his parents. How close does he live to Capeside? Is that practical? Why do I have so many questions this week? Anyway, Joey would love to. Oliver promises her that his family won't be as hard on her as Mr. Potter was on him. At this, naturally, Joey freaks and wonders what her father said to him. Realizing the error of even mentioning this, Oliver lies that he was kidding and tells her to "forget it." Joey's eyes are bugging out of her head. "I'm not going to forget it. [Oliver], if he was rude to you, I want to know about it," she yelps. Oliver sighs and swears that Mr. Potter was fine. "He seems like a really great guy," he says. Joey just looks sick to her stomach as Oliver drags her inside the house.
Shortly thereafter, Pacey and Doug pull up in Pacey's "sweet ride," Doug behind the wheel. So, they're going to dinner at the Leerys', but Ma Witter and Pa Witter and Gretchen weren't invited? Whatever. Anyhoo, the Brothers Witter chat a bit about the Family Witter, which was apparently overwhelmed by Pacey's generous gifts. Blah blah blah, Doug is beginning to wonder if Pacey's job is "on the up-and-up." Pacey snickers. "You sound like Dad," he says. Doug points out that Pacey's suddenly got all this cash, and it just seems a little too good to be true. Pacey snarls that of course his family can't be happy for him. They have to accuse him of being involved "in some sort of illegal activity!" Don't they know that he's a stockbroker?! Why wouldn't he just say, "I am a stockbroker!" Argh, my head! Doug calmly tells Pacey that he's not accusing him of anything. He just wonders how much Pacey really knows about Boiler Room, Inc. Pacey yelps again that they should all just be happy for him, dammit! And then he accuses Doug of being jealous. "Maybe I am jealous," Doug says thoughtfully. "I don't know. Or maybe I'm just worried about you." Now it's Pacey's turn to look thoughtful as Doug climbs out of the car.
Inside Casa Leery, Audrey raids Gale's medicine cabinet. This time, she finds some pharmaceuticals to her liking. She washes them down with a song.
Soup's on! Gale places the rolls on the table and takes a seat as everyone else finds his or her place. Jen, for once, looks great: her hair looks decent and her makeup is flattering and she just looks lovely. "So, where the hell is Jack?" Audrey slurs as she stumbles up to the table. "Are you drunk?" Jen hisses. "Yesssss," Audrey says, "but that does not explain where Jack is." Jen and Grams exchange glances as Jen explains that Jack is "in Europe" with Mr. McPhee and Andie, whom they appear to finally have remembered. I presume they're taking dinner with Brenda Walsh. It is at this point that Audrey steals Grams's chair at the head of the table right from under the old woman's ass. Which was actually a very funny piece of blocking. Grams just raises a brow and quietly takes a seat to Jen. Gale clears her throat and asks Grams if she'd like to say grace. "I wouldn't mind leading us in prayger [sic]," Todd slurs. Dawson shakes his head violently, but Gale tells Todd to go ahead. Dawson just looks horrified.
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the birth of your son," Todd begins, as The Polka Music Of Wacky Drunken Prayer Hijinks begins. "Now, I am at a disadvantage here. Many of you, I'm sure, know who I am. I am a filmmaker, celebrated on many continents," Todd continues, waving his arm dramatically. People exchange looks. Pacey pretends to pray placidly. "But I don't know any of you! Which is a travesty, because people like you, regular people, are my target audience," Todd says. "Except you, Blondie, you look very familiar to me," he tells Jen. At the other end of the table, Jen smiles and explains that he hit on her on a plane once. "Did we shag?" he asks. Grams's brows raise. "No," Jen chuckles. "Are you sure?" Todd asks. Jen assures him that she is. "Well, good, because that would be embarrassing," Todd sputters. "Where was I? Oh, yes, the birth of Christ." I'm going to start incorporating that phrase into my daily discourse. Audrey finally gives up and starts eating. "Let me start with what I am thankful for," Todd says. I think he's confused his holidays. "I am thankful for Gale, for inviting us into her lovely home. And I am grateful to her progeny, Dawson. Prodegy? Progengy?" he wonders. Jen starts to giggle. "Her progeny, Dawson," Todd finally decides, explaining that the Head has been very valuable to his production. "And I love him. I love him, very much, Dawson," Todd sniffles. Dawson just nods, looking pained. "And the funny thing, he's managed to get himself involved in a sexual relationship with a beautiful woman," Todd tells the table. Natasha smirks. Gale covers her face with her hands. It is at this point that someone should have screamed "AMEN!" and started passing the potatoes. But no. Todd continues. "Which happened to me on my first film, actually, but she was what we called 'underage,' so we don't talk about that," he says. At this point, Dawson finally asks him to wrap it up. Rather nicely, considering. "Forgive me. Forgive me, Gale," Todd says. And thus concludes Todd's prayer.
There's a long, awkward silence, and then Mr. Potter takes it upon himself to tell Dawson that he's really impressed with what Dawson has "done with [his] life." Dawson thanks him. And then Mr. Potter wonders if Dawson can get Oliver a job, since Oliver is "looking for work." Joey looks like she wants to crawl under the table and stay there. Oliver pipes up that film "isn't really [his] thing." Mr. Potter sneers in his direction. "Well, what is your thing, Oliver?" he asks. "Dad!" Joey finally yelps. Mr. Potter shrugs that he's "just interested." "No, you're not, you're being a dick," Joey tells him. It is at this point that my father would have disowned me and thrown me out of the house. I would be eating grass for Christmas dinner. "Mr. Potter?" Audrey slurs. "Can I ask you another question about prison?" she asks. "Sure, Audrey," Mr. Potter says, pretty nicely, considering. "Yeah, so, why is it that you don't think Oliver is good enough for your daughter?" she sasses. "Back off, Audrey," Joey spits. Audrey wrinkles her face up. "What is your problem, princess? I was sticking up for Joe Dirt over there," she says. Down at the other end of the table, Pacey chuckles -- not in a happy way. "Oh, this isn't going to end well," he mutters. Audrey spits at him to shut up. Pacey looks at her and calmly tells her that she's out of line. "Of course I am. Anyone messes with the one who got away and you get all up on your high horse, don't you?" Audrey sneers. Dawson, Joey, and Pacey all look at their empty plates, horrified. Why don't they start serving dinner? If someone's going to be screaming about my sexual past at the dinner table, I at the very least want to have a plate full of ham while they do it.
"Audrey," Jen finally begins. "Oh, excellent, another party heard from. What's your problem, Lindley?" Audrey snarls. Jen quietly says that she's pretty sure it's Audrey who has the problem. Audrey laughs, a harsh, unamused chuckle. "Oh, how devilishly clever of you, Jen," she says. I can't believe Grams hasn't whacked Audrey with a Bible yet. "Oh, honey, are you still upset that I shagged your dream boy? Because I am sorry about that," Audrey tells Jen. Joey covers her mouth with her hand. I really do think it's out of character that Grams hasn't given Audrey a piece of her mind yet. "What are you even doing here?" Jen asks quietly. "I missed my flight, bitch," Audrey sasses, and laughs like she thinks this is hilarious. She informs the table that if any of them thinks that spending Christmas there on "Walton Mountain" is her idea of a good time, then they're as high as she is. Finally, Gale speaks up, suggesting that maybe Audrey should go lie down. But Audrey yelps that she's "just getting started," and then thanks Gale for all the painkillers and explains that, thanks to the miracle of pilfered drugs, she's seeing things more clearly than any of them. Audrey tells Dawson and Pacey that it's clear that they "hate each other" and that they're "never going to be able to mend this little rift that exists between the two of [them]." Joey looks disgusted. Seriously, have none of them ever heard of the words "shut up"? It's not like I don't use them enough. Why are they letting a drunk nineteen-year-old hold them hostage like this? If this were my parents' house, both my mother and my father would have escorted Audrey from the room twenty minutes ago.
And yet, she's still talking. "Dawson and Joey, here you are, both of you, all grown up and very pleased with yourselves," Audrey begins, and then launches into this whole bit about how they finally slept together and they've never dealt with that and they need to deal with their crap once and for all, and for what it's worth, Audrey's really sorry that Joey broke Pacey's heart all those years ago, preventing him from "really committing to an adult relationship," and then my brain explodes, because, really, between Pacey and Audrey, I think the adult in the relationship is Pacey. You know, the one with the job. Audrey doesn't even go to class, and she spent the last weeks of her relationship with Pacey berating him for not being amusing enough for her anymore. If that's not being childish, I don't know what is. Frankly, I have to wonder what the dramatic motivation is as far as Audrey's Downward Spiral goes. Is it to make Joey look better by comparison? Because I completely hate Audrey now. I loathe her. I want to punch her in the face. And I can't see any workable way for the writers to get her out of that corner. I think this character is beyond rehabilitation. Why did they decide to make the audience hate one of the only characters who was even remotely entertaining? I know this is -- allegedly -- the last season of the show, but it seems shortsighted to ruin the integrity of every single character left.
Anyway. Audrey finally gets up from the table. "But you know what?" she asks. "Just grow up. Merry Christmas, scumsuckers! Peace out." And then she storms off. That was an awkward shot -- Audrey gave her dramatic farewell with her back to the camera. From what I read, her line was originally "Merry Christmas, a-holes!" and my suspicion is that the network made them change it to "scumsuckers" at the last moment, which is why they had to cheat this shot and fix the line in post-production. It didn't work very well. At the very least, the shot is awkwardly framed, considering that it's the climax of her speech and we don't even see her face. Also, Joey can call her father a dick, but Audrey can't say "a-holes"? Maybe the line was originally "assholes." Anyway. Audrey stomps out, grabbing Pacey's keys off the foyer table on her way outside. Back at the table, everyone sits in stunned silence. "Well, that was fun," Pacey says. "Merry Christmas?" Todd offers cheerfully. I can't believe no one has gone after Audrey, who has run out totally drunk into the snow. I know they're mad at her, but she's not even wearing a coat, much less hat and gloves. And she's high on pills and booze. She could very conceivably pass out and freeze to death. Nice responsible work from Gale, Grams, Bessie, and Doug, all of whom should know better.
Outside, Audrey stumbles across the snow, which gives like a quilt beneath her feet -- which makes sense, since it's the fakest snow ever and actually is a quilt. She staggers all the way over to Pacey's car and unlocks it without falling over completely. She does, however, manage to show her entire ass crack whilst unlocking the door, and that's something I could have lived without, thank you very much. Anyway, she climbs in the car, starts it, reverses it, puts it back into drive, and then slams it right through the Leery's house and into the living room. Whoops!
Inside the house, everyone at the table looks shocked and leaps up to investigate. Pacey's airbag has not gone off, which I think is totally ridiculous. Audrey stumbles out of the car, wiping blood from her mouth. She just sort of looks at them. "Yeah. I kind of think I zagged when I should have zigged," she explains, and then passes out on the sofa. Um. Okay. That was sort of anti-climactic. Between you and me, I was really hoping Audrey would die. Or, at the very least, that the car would explode and we'd get some kind of fireball, destroying the entire Leery household and horribly disfiguring someone. Anyone, really.
After the commercials, Pacey storms out the door and into the yard, Doug in hot pursuit. Where is the ambulance? Where are the police? Where are the Leerys going to stay for the night? Has anyone called Audrey's mother and father? Shouldn't someone come out and make sure that Audrey hasn't taken out a load-bearing wall? Are any of these issues going to be addressed? (Confidential to readers: the answer is "no.") "Pacey, do you have any idea what you're asking me to do here?" Doug asks. Pacey knows. And I know that Pacey is an idiot; he's asking Doug not to arrest Audrey. He's asking Doug to "make it go away." Doug rightly points out that Audrey needs serious help. Pacey yelps that this is the only way he can help her. No, Pacey. You can let her clean up her own messes. If she keeps getting away with shit, she's going to keep trying to get away with shit. This is basically what Doug says. Pacey won't listen, though. He pleads with Doug to pull some strings. "Please, Doug." Doug shakes his head. "You willing to take all the blame for this?" he finally asks, wearily. Pacey is. Why? Audrey's family can pay for it! And Audrey has to learn to take responsibility for her actions! I know Pacey feels guilty for kicking off the downward spiral with the whole I Never Loved Audrey thing, but she's a big girl. I've had my heart broken in the past -- and broken good -- and I certainly didn't react to it by driving a car through a wall. Although that might have been a quicker fix than what I did do, which was fall into a deep depression and spend a lot of time studying and festering and planning a certain someone's death and then eating ice cream. Anyway, Doug can't believe this, and tells Pacey that although he's given himself "quite the makeover," he's still "looking for the quick fix." Pacey looks quite sulky at this, but Doug is right. Doug continues, telling Pacey that now Audrey's going to "live to drink and drive another day and it might not end so happily time." Pacey heaves a giant sigh. The brothers stare at each other. "If anybody asks, you did this," Doug finally says. "New car, you lost control, you're a moron, people will believe you, trust me," he spits. I don't think he meant that meanly, really; Pacey IS acting like a moron, and I think Doug is just fed up. Pacey mutters that he'll "pay for everything." Doug shakes his head. "Yeah, throw some money at it. That'll fix it," he says, disgusted. I've got to tell you, I'm with Dougie, here. Pacey wonders angrily what Doug wants from him. "Why are you doing this, Pacey?" Doug counters, telling Pacey that when he was a cook, Doug was so proud of him. "There was something, I don't know, honest about it. Almost noble. Guess it didn't suit you, did it?" he asks. Pacey rolls his eyes in response. Okay, now: while I'm with Doug for the most part, there's nothing wrong with being a stockbroker, although there's clearly something going on at Pacey's office. But money isn't inherently evil, and there's nothing shameful about having a high-paying job. I swear to God, this show has the most screwed-up take on money that I have never seen -- Joey refuses to take a student loan, for example, and now Pacey is being vilified for being able to afford a BMW. Which way do they want to have it?
Back at the house, Audrey sleeps on Dawson's bed, her makeup perfect. Jen kneels beside her and asks how she feels. Audrey wonders how she looks in response. Jen offers to call Ma and Pa Liddell, which prompts Audrey to yelp loudly that if Jen does, she'll "kick [Jen's] ass back to New York." Give me a break. I'd be on the phone to Audrey's parents immediately, if I were Gale, no matter what she said. And what does it mean when I sympathize more with the adults on this show than the kids? Jen quietly wonders why Audrey is "so angry." Audrey rolls her eyes. "Okay, Dr. Melfi, is this some sad attempt to impress [Blandy]? Because last time I checked, he's not here," she spits. Jen contends that she's just trying to help. Audrey shrugs. "Pretend I'm just too far gone, which isn't too far from the truth anyway," she advises. Oh, yawn. Audrey's self-pity is terribly dull. "None of you even noticed how far gone I was until tonight," she adds. Behind her back, Jen gives Audrey a truly hilarious disgusted look. "With friends like you, who needs enemas?" Audrey finally finishes. More amusing disgust from Michelle Williams, although this might be at the stupidity of the line rather than Audrey's sad-sack status. Seriously, I ask you: how are we supposed to feel about Audrey? Are we supposed to feel sorry for her? Because I don't. I wish she'd pull an Abby Morgan and fall into the creek. Anyway, finally Jen just gets up and walks out. As the door closes, Audrey opens her eyes sadly.
Downstairs, Natasha is taking off; her manager got her on a flight back to Los Angeles. "Just like that?" Dawson asks. Natasha nods, and tells him not to apologize. "You were right about everything. I slept with Tag," she says. "That's fantastic," is Dawson's gobsmacked, if somewhat humorous, response. Natasha shrugs that he wanted her to be honest. "No, that's great," Dawson insists. Natasha shrugs and tells him that she's sorry; she thought they were just having fun. "I don't love you. I never did," she says, and explains that she didn't think their romance would last past the film's wrap, anyway. It was just a fling. Dawson thinks about this. "You know what? I don't love you either," he says. Natasha is all, "No shit." She tells him that they're both far too young to be serious about anyone anyway. "You know, you're going to make some girl's dream come true some day, in a big way," she tells him. " Which is why I have to stop this now, before I break your heart and turn you into a bitter cynic." Dawson cocks an enormo-brow. "Don't flatter yourself," he says. Natasha just shrugs and wishes him a Merry Christmas. And then tells him that Todd has passed out in the bathroom, and Dawson should probably make sure he's still breathing. "Thanks," Dawson says as she leaves.
Outside with Oliver and Joey. He wonders if all her Christmases are like this. She shrugs. "Usually we smoke crack and worship Satan," she tells him. Someone on the writing staff must like that turn of phrase -- last season, Pander's movie was called Smoke Crack and Worship Satan. Which I think I said was the funniest thing I'd ever seen on the show to date. It's not as funny the second time around. And then Oliver, full of the spirit of the season, revokes Joey's invitation to his house, saying that she has enough to deal with right there in Capeside. Joey wonders what the "subtext" is here. Um, he realized that you have more baggage than a bellhop? Oliver just says that her dad was a jerk, but he wasn't totally wrong. He's not very together -- Oliver isn't, not Mr. Potter. Although Mr. Potter isn't all that together, either. At any rate, Joey insists that she doesn't care. Oliver just looks at the ground and asks that he shouldn't have come. "Why?" Joey asks. "Because, it was, it was all too much, too soon," Oliver stutters. "It's too much. We need to be in the here and now." Joey, panicked by the idea of being without a boyfriend, swears that they'll do that from here on out. She promises! Oliver looks sad and tells her that it would have been just as bad if she'd come home with him. Because his family would think she's too good for him. And that she's going to break his heart. Joey yelps that she has "no intention of breaking [his] heart." Oliver smiles at her sadly. "No one ever does," he says, kisses her on the forehead, wishes her a Merry Christmas, and goes. Joey stands in the snow and listens to The Sad, Sad Guitar Of Perhaps The WB Can't Afford Oliver Hudson For Too Much Longer.
Eventually, she heads out to the dock where Dawson is. She crunches across the fakest snow in the world to stand to him. "Didn't I sleep with you once and never talk to you again?" she wonders. Dawson sighs that "it happens to [him] all the time." They share a bittersweet smile. "So, some night, huh?" Dawson asks, chuckling. Joey agrees that it certainly put things into perspective. He looks out at the creek and says that he'd hate to think that their last meaningful conversation was the one they had in her dorm room. Joey looks at her feet and admits that she "never really dealt with what happened." She "put it in a box and pushed it far, far away," she says. Hey, me too! Dawson wonders where it all went so wrong. Joey sighs that she just tried to forget what happened between them, but that it never works. She admits that it's easy for her to kind of hate him, because she knows that he's out there and if she ever really needed him, he'd be there for her. "It's true," Dawson tells her. "Then why do they keep hurting each other?" Joey asks. Um, because neither one of you is familiar with the concept of "moving on"? Just a guess. Dawson thinks. "We're not hurting each other right now," he points out. Joey rolls her eyes. "No. Right now is an illusion, though. Right now, it's a truce. Right now, I just want to stand here and talk to the one person who can maybe help me figure out how everything worked out this way. We can go back to hating each other in the morning." Dawson agrees that this sounds like a plan, and throws a fraternal arm over her shoulder. The cut here is horrible. In one shot, her head is on his shoulder, and in the , it's in a totally different place. But this scene as a whole actually isn't all that bad. I don't want to kill both of them and then turn the gun on myself, anyway. "I don't really hate you, you know," Dawson says. Joey admits that she doesn't really hate him either. Well, I think the people on the forums have got the hate for both of them well and truly covered, so don't lose any sleep on that front. Dawson and Joey look out at the water in silence. Happy Holidays, kids. I'll see you in 2003!