Previously on Dawson's Creek: Dawson, Joey, blah blah blah. Gay Jack, hot ambiguously gay Professor, blah blah blah. Pacey blah, Audrey blah, Pacey and Audrey blah blah blah. Jen blah, Blandy blah. Oliver Hudson, hottie blah blah blah.
Open on the set of the horror movie that Dawson is, against all odds, making All About Him, a.k.a. Really Big Pinhead. Todd stalks through the set, screaming at Dawson. Well, I don't actually think he's screaming at Dawson. He's screaming, and Dawson is taking notes. "This is all wrong!" Todd screams. "The only way it could be any wronger would be if I paid them to do it all wrong and they busted up!" Have I mentioned that I love Todd? At least he looks like he's got something going on upstairs. Also, he yells at Dawson. Hence, Todd is my hero. He's still yelling -- about screw-ups on the set this time (for example, the set is stocked with DVD players, despite being set in the 1970s. Who's in charge of art direction here, a trained monkey?). Todd drops a cigarette into his mouth and asks Dawson for a light. Dawson sniffs sanctimoniously that he certainly will not! He reminds Todd that Grandfather Todd died of lung cancer, and that Todd made Dawson swear on all of his many, many Bibles that he, Dawson, would not allow Todd to smoke ever, ever again. "I'll give you twelve thousand dollars," Todd deadpans. Now, this is the point at which my reaction would be, "Cancer, schmancer, here's a light!" But Dawson refuses. "Wanker," Todd spits. I scribble the words, "Jessica + Todd" on my Pee Chee folder. Todd looks over some paperwork. "This is what I get for signing on to this hillbilly circus!" he snits. "I could have been directing a video in Paris for one of those homosexual crooner bands." Dawson looks at his own paperwork and makes a concerned face. Todd turns to Dawson and mentions that he "really wants to get in close at Natasha's nipples, so stick the AC on, make sure they really pop." That's the direction of a true auteur, y'all. "Classy," Dawson says. Todd nods, and walks away, Dawson trailing him like a little puppy dog.
Todd's yelping over his shoulder that Natasha can be a bit of a…"Handful?" Dawson offers. "Well, I was going to say 'pain in the ass,' but okay," Todd sniffs. He instructs Dawson to keep Natasha happy. "By any means necessary," he adds. He reminds Dawson that they're about to shoot a really important scene. Dawson nods. Todd takes a deep breath. "All right. Send Natasha to my trailer. It's time for The Crazy Diva Tells The Director Her Thoughts On The Scene So We Can Pretend Her Opinion Actually Matters Talk," he sighs. Heh. Dawson informs Todd that Natasha isn't on set yet. The music screeches to a halt as Todd stops and stares at Dawson in abject horror. And not just because his skull is blocking all sources of natural light. Dawson races to assure his boss that "Phil the PA" is picking Natasha up at the airport even as they speak! Todd yelps that he just fired Phil the PA! Yada yada yada, Dawson is ordered to go pick up Natasha at the airport. "Go! Go! Go! Go!" Todd yells, then stalks off. Dawson just stands in the midst of the bustling set and smiles that I Am Living My Dream! I Am A Golden God! I Am A Smarmy Moron! grin that makes me want to remove my corneas with a bread knife. Finally, he runs off. If only he'd tripped on a loose electrical cord.
Credits!
Liberty Hell's Kitchen. Joey sits at the bar and reads On The Road. Oliver swings past and notes that their paper is due Monday. "You better get cracking," he tells her. "Oh my God, will you please go away?" Joey asks. She is a delight, isn't she? Oliver just grins and bustles behind the bar, wondering what she thinks of the book so far. "If I tell you will you leave me alone?" Joey asks. Oliver crosses his heart and hopes to die. Joey announces that On The Road sucks. This may be the only time I ever agree with Joey. I'm sorry. I just don't like that book. "Huh," Oliver says. Joey continues, saying that On the Road is plotless and meandering. "It's all macho posturing and misogyny," she says. And that, actually, was my beef with it. Huh. I just agreed with little Joey Potter. Clearly, the end of the world is at hand. Oliver "hmm"s yet again. Joey snappishly demands to know the meaning of his "hmm." Oliver shrugs that it doesn't mean anything. He's just learning about her, that's all. Joey wants to know what the hell that means. Is he insinuating that she's "deficient in some way?" Defensive and insecure, table for one! Oliver swears that he just thought her opinion was interesting. Joey snaps that she doesn't need him to patronize her. "Oh, my God, why are you so angry?" Oliver finally asks, leaning on the bar to get a better look at her orange, orange face. Joey sputters that she's not angry. "Is it a guy?" Oliver asks, grinning. "Is, is it about a guy?" He's so very cute. I never would have classified myself as a big Oliver Hudson fan, but I'm really finding him super-dreamy. And I usually go for boys with cleaner hair! Joey sputters that it must be about a boy, mustn't it? She doesn't like Oliver because a boy broke her heart, not because Oliver is "objectionable." Oliver just cocks a half-grin and nods calmly. "Really? You don't like me?" is all he says. "I need to get back to work, so can you please stop talking to me?" Joey snaps. Oliver just stands there and smiles at her. A phone trills in the background. "Wow," Oliver finally says, opining that whomever the heartbreaker was, he certainly "did a number" on La Potter. Joey just glares at him and opens her mouth to snap something bratty, but he heads her off at the pass by strolling away to answer the phone. Joey opens and closes her mouth like a blowfish as Oliver holds up a calm Please Be Quiet index finger and starts making arrangements for a catering delivery. Joey rolls her eyes hugely.
Let's go over to the Boiler Room, where Pacey sits in his cube in his pink shirt and his pink tie and his increasingly awful hair. He's on the phone with Audrey, who's at a bar somewhere. She's pissed because he's running late. And then she's even more pissed because he tells her that he can't make it at all. Audrey, by the way, looks terrible. Busy Philipps is quite cute, but they're dressing her really poorly this season. Exhibit A: She's wearing a milkmaid's bodice. I have one of those…that I wear on Halloween with my St. Pauli girl costume. Anyway, poor Audrey whines that she hasn't seen Pacey in "actual days" and they have a party to go to! She wants him there, and she doesn't want any of his "lame excuses." Pacey shrugs. "I've got to study," he says. "No, you've got to spend time with your girlfriend," Audrey snits, then starts whinging that she doesn't even remember what sex is like, and therefore she might be forced to "shag a stranger" to jog her memory. Yes, threatening infidelity is a surefire way to get your boyfriend to give you some play. Pacey looks all put upon at the other end of the line. He swears that he's all hers -- tomorrow. Cue some schmoopy discussion about their sexual habits that I really don't want to recap, both because I feel like it's unnecessary and because I am totally distracted by the fact that Audrey has yet another poorly concealed blemish right by her mouth. I'm not sure what horrible thing Busy did to her facialist, but I suspect it included arson. Audrey sighs that "the mature, responsible Pacey is a big fat drag." Pacey sighs that this is "duly noted." She shrilly gives him permission to go be "studious and boring." He wearily tells her to be "debaucherous and silly." They hang up. Break up already, you two.
Back at the bar, Audrey turns to Jen and announces that she's going to go home. But Jen will not hear of this! "This is like the biggest party of the year!" she yelps. "Jack, back me up on this." Jack's stellar backup is one word: "Eh." He pulls up a stool and explains that he'd be okay with going home. "Kate and Leopold is on cable. Hugh Jackman's a hottie," he explains. And that is a fact, people. So Jen whines and stamps her feet and has a complete tantrum. They all have to go to the party! She worked hard all week! She wants to get drunk and make out with a stranger and they have to come so they can make fun of her the day! Against all odds, Jen's yelping convinces them. "We're going to party like it's 1999!" she crows triumphantly. Wow, people still use that phrase? Because it wasn't funny in 1999, and it's certainly not amusing now.
Dawson pulls up at the airport, where he finds Natasha perched on a curb. She glares up at him and drawls that she totally doesn't mind waiting on a cab for an hour. "And my ass is not the least bit numb," she snarls. Oh, poor princess. If I were a difficult, diva-like actress in her position, I would have taken a taxi to the most expensive hotel in Boston, charged it to the studio, and waited there for someone to get off their ass and pick me up. But Natasha? Not so smart.
Which is proved by the fact that she gets into the car with Dawson. She stares out the window. Dawson stares at her. Total silence. Riveting. Finally, Dawson awkwardly attempts conversation. "I need Evian water and Altoids," Natasha cuts him off. Dawson tells her they're both in the glove compartment, and she almost smiles at him. Dawson wonders if she's nervous about her "big scene." Natasha snarks that the other actor isn't really going to strangle her, and takes a big swig from a mini-bar bottle. "Are you…drinking?" Dawson asks. "Smart!" Natasha chirps sarcastically. She snaps that she needs him to stop at a florist, because she wants to bring Todd flowers. And Dawson is all -- oh, screw this. This is scene is mind-numbingly dull and I just can't do it anymore. I'm still weak from the season premiere, people, and besides, this scene isn't pertinent to the plot, like, at all. All you need to know is that Natasha is a) a bitch and b) drunk.
The mostly empty offices of Not Merrill Not Lynch. Pacey studies for his Series 7 exam. Bobby Briggs comes bounding up and informs Pacey that he's coming to some clubs with some of the other brokers. Pacey whines that he has to study. "Did I say that like it was a question?" Bobby Briggs asks. Yada yada yada, when the suits want you to socialize with them, you go, blah blah blah Audrey, blah blah study, blah blah Pacey finally agrees to go with Bobby Briggs and anyone with a working eye in their head can see that he's obviously going to run into Audrey at some point in the evening, thus causing conflict in their relationship. Yawn. I'm beginning to think I could recap this show without even watching it, so predictable it has become.
On the set of Scream, Scream, Scream, Natasha is drunk. Dawson putters alongside her, wondering how much she's had to drink. "Oh, Donald! Don't be such a SpongeBob Squarepants! I just had a little nip!" Natasha chirps. Heh. Dawson plaintively wonders why she's calling him Donald. "What? I think we can both agree that Dawson is a stupid name. Besides, you look like a Donald. Or, if you prefer, Ronald," Natasha offers, then throws herself in Todd's arms in a flurry of air kisses. Todd shoots Dawson an alarmed look over his star's shoulder. "You're late," he tells Dawson. "Donald got lost!" Natasha sings. Todd coos over the flowers she brought him, and then throws them roughly into Dawson's arms. Much as he'd like to throw himself, I suspect. Finally, Natasha stumbles off to hair and wardrobe. "What's wrong with her?" Todd asks. Dawson lies that she's tired. Todd instructs Dawson to get her some goddamned coffee, then.
Dawson scurries along to his leading lady and tries to grab her arm. Natasha snaps at him not to touch her. "I can't believe I actually let those hands touch me naked," she shudders, loudly thanking God that no one on set knows about their little affair. "So, how's that old friend you dumped me for a couple of weeks ago?" she asks. "I quite didn't catch her name. Wait, it is a girl, isn't it?" Snerk. Dawson sputters that Joey is fine. As far as he knows, anyway. Natasha correctly interprets this as meaning that the lovebirds aren't so lovely-dovey any more, and asks Dawson if they broke up. Dawson mutters something. "That? Is so sad," Natasha laughs, standing in front of her trailer. Dawson makes some noise about being a total asshole to her, and says he doesn't blame her if she hates him. That's an appropriate meta statement/apology for this show as a whole if I've ever heard one. Natasha smirks that she doesn't hate him. She pities him. Oh, those don't have to be mutually exclusive sentiments, Natasha. La Leery simpers that he just wants to help her. Can he get her coffee? Or a bagel? I'd like one of both, please. Thanks! "You want to help me?" Natasha parrots. "You want to help me? That is so sweet. Want to know how you can help me? Go to hell, Dawson." Natasha, sweetie, take a seat. Right here, to me. Can I offer you some wine? This Chardonnay is fab. Olives? Some nice paté? Listen, darling, I know you're all broken up about Dawson dumping you on your answering machine. But allow me to let you in on a little secret: you can do better. For example, I hear that recent parolees can be quite attentive.
When we get back from the commercials, I think I sat on the remote for a moment, because this is clearly a clever, clever horror movie instead of Dawson's Creek, except for the part where you need to insert the word "not" in between "clearly" and "a." It's a scene from Todd's clearly doomed horror movie, and Natasha keeps screwing it up, flubbing her lines and cracking up in the middle of her scene. She apologizes, giggling girlishly each time she ruins a take. Todd tries valiantly not to stab her in the face. Dawson closes his eyes. "Is she drunk?" Todd asks. "No," Dawson lies. "Dawson?" Todd heaves irritably. "Maybe a little," Dawson admits. Todd sighs piteously. I am about two minutes away from picking a book from my library at random and discussing that instead of recapping this plot. Is any Dawson's Creek fan anywhere invested in the future of this stupid movie? No. The only thing that keeps me from sticking an ice pick in my frontal lobe during these movie scenes is the presence of Todd.
Pacey plus Fellow Stockbrokers plus Audrey equals Wacky Misunderstanding And Angst. Pacey's tie is way too short, by the way. It's hovering at least an inch and a half above his belt buckle. It's absurd. And what's that high-pitched squealing noise? Why, it's Audrey, who -- surprise, surprise -- has run into Pacey on the street! And she's very hurt by Pacey's…I don't know. His betrayal, or something? Whatever. She's hurt. Cue the crying! Lying! Name-calling! Uncomfortable looks! "I don't even know who you are anymore!" Audrey yelps. "I have to make something of myself!" Pacey screams. "I'm just some dumb rich bitch!" Audrey wails. "Dear Lord, take me now!" I cry. "This people are more fucked up than we are," my Agent Mulder action figure tells the Agent Scully action figure. And it's true. Pacey and Audrey are more dysfunctional than two small plastic talking people who can't take off their pants. Blah blah job blah blah supportive, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. My GOD! This episode is so boring! Seriously, I got my InStyle today and I think I'm just going to read that instead. I mean, come on: clearly Audrey and Pacey are on the short bus to Breakupville. Why are we wasting our time? I could be practicing my step-by-step plan for flawless skin! Finally, Audrey stomps off and Jack shoots Pacey a "dude, you fucked up" look and Bobby Briggs pats Pacey on the ass and tells him to "shake it off" and Pacey makes his "why can't I be lucky in love?" face and did you know that you need different concealers for blemishes and under-eye circles?
Outside Liberty Hell's Kitchen, Joey is helping Oliver load the car with foodstuffs. He wonders how On The Road is coming along. "What page are you on?" he asks. "Can we not talk? Do you mind?" Joey spits. Instead, Oliver tells her that he's been thinking about the book, and his theory is that Joey doesn't like it because it makes her nervous. Because it's about people who make impulsive choices. People who don't follow the safe path. People who blah blah blah, let's look at these pretty pictures of Jennifer Garner at the Emmys instead! Oliver's so pretty, but his lines are so dumb. Can't he just stand there silently? I guess it would be okay if his lines were more believable. Something more along the lines of, "Jessica Morgan, I've been utterly seduced by your wit and charm and perky good looks! Would you like to come with me to Maui for two weeks of foot massages and Mai Tais and chocolate-covered macadamia nuts? Please say yes!" While I'm thinking about how much I'd like to be lying on the beach drinking something potent out of a coconut, Joey spits that Oliver doesn't know anything about her. He explains that the way people feel about books or movies or music says a lot about them. And actually, that's true. For example, the fact that I think this show has gone from being a guilty pleasure to a trite, predictable, boring pain in the ass says that I have two working eyes in my skull. At this, Joey flies into a tizzy, attempting to prove to Oliver that she's totally wild and crazy and impulsive and sexy by explaining that last summer she bought a ticket to Paris even though she had no money, and then she thought better of it and didn't go. Not surprisingly, Oliver is not impressed. I wish the two of them would just have sex and get it over with so the WB could cancel this show already. Anyhoo, Oliver makes some trite observation about how life is about the things you do, not the things you could have done. Or something. Anyway, Joey tries to just walk away from him, but he reminds her that she needs to come with him with make this giant delivery. Can I just point out that this episode appears to be at least partially about driving food around in a car? That's not very compelling television.
Party of the bored. Audrey's railing drunkenly against Pacey as Jen and Jack loll about, totally not listening. Audrey veers into complaining about her sex life, and everyone in the world puts his or her fingers in their respective ears and starts singing "Mary Had A Little Lamb" at the top of their lungs. Jack makes a series of amusing pained faces, and finally, Jen gets up, announcing loudly that she needs a beer (as do I, thank you very much). She abandons Jack posthaste.
There's a bar at this party? And there's no line? Okay. I guess I've suspended disbelief as far as the Dawson Sleeps With A Movie Star plot, so why not this? Jen, turning away from the bar with a plastic cup of beer, runs right into Blandy Blands, spilling her beer all over what I have just noticed is a very nice, tight set of abs. "Oh my God, look what I did!" Jen squeals. Blandy laughs blandly and starts patting at his wet stomach. Jen sputters that she can't believe she spilled on someone who doesn't even drink. "And it's cold and it's smelly, and I'm touching you, and I'm going to stop," she finished. Hee. Blandy looks vaguely amused by this. "Hi," he says. And then she speed-freaks about how she's a drunk, drunk drunkard and they're at a party and people drink at parties and if that bothers him, then he shouldn't come to parties, because people get drunk at parties, because drinking happens at parties. "It's just a party fact," she finally finishes. And it is. I was at two parties this weekend and I was drunk at -- okay, one of them. But there were drunk people at the second one, too! Blandly smiles down at her crookedly. He's not nearly as bland when he smiles. In fact, he's actually pretty cute. If only he'd lose the nasty man-choker. Blandy comments that Jen must think he's the squarest kid in the world She stutters that she's sure he's "tons of fun!" He just looks at her. "I'm going to go," Jen announces suddenly. And the girl wonders why the boys aren't knocking her door down.
Elsewhere at the party, Audrey continues to whine about Pacey -- specifically, about the fact that he hasn't called her yet. Meanwhile, Jack searches frantically for something to kill himself with. Mid-search, he sees Professor Ambiguously Gay stroll into the room. "Oh, my God," Jack says, and runs off, leaving Audrey alone with her incredibly boring pain.
Jack wonders what Professor Ambiguously Gay is doing at a student party. Professor Ambiguously Gay explains that he teaches a "cool" class, and due to this, he occasionally gets invited to such functions. Jack suggests they get some beers! Woo! Get Professor Ambiguously Gay liquored up and have your way with him, Jack!
Movie Set Of Mind-Numbing Boredom. Joey and Oliver pull up with all the food. Joey makes a face when she sees where they are. Oliver, not seeing her sour expression, cheerfully explains that it's some slasher movie. "Great," Joey bitches. Oh, shut up. You think you're the first person ever to run into her ex-boyfriend? Try going to school with him, princess.
Par-tay! Jen and Audrey are playing quarters with two strange boys. Aw, man, I love quarters. Audrey's cell phone rings; it's Pacey. She's so very drunk that she screams into the receiver that she's a dumb, rich bitch, and then thoughtlessly dunks her phone in a full glass of beer. Everyone chortles drunkenly and uncomfortably, and Audrey chugs her own beer mindlessly. "Audrey, slow down. Seriously," Jen says. Audrey takes a deep breath. "Okay, whose turn is it?" she asks. Jen, in her own drunken stupor, looks mildly uncomfortable. ["And then she barfs on her hand. Heh." -- Sars]
I don't know why they don't have craft services on Todd's slasher pic, but whatever. Joey and Oliver deliver the food, and Joey goes to find out who's authorized to pay them. Authorized To Pay For Food Delivery Guy is, of course, Dawson. "Great," Joey spits, and heads over to visit her erstwhile soulmate. She stares at him for a good minute before he looks up to see her. "Hey, what are you doing here?" he spits, not unkindly. "Nice to see you, too," Joey brats. Dawson sputters that he's just surprised to see her, which I actually think is a pretty fair reaction. Joey explains that she delivered all their food. She didn't know she was bringing nutrients to him, of all people! "Believe me, had I known," she begins. "It's okay," Dawson says. "I wasn't exactly apologizing," Joey snits. "No, why would you?" Dawson retorts. And they're off! "What's that supposed to mean?" Joey asks. Before Dawson can explain that she's a spoiled brat who never apologizes for anything, Natasha comes running toward him, Todd in close pursuit. Natasha trots to a halt in front of Joey. Todd nicely greets the Orange One. "Natasha, have you meet Dawson's friend? Joey, isn't it?" he asks, cueing up three very uncomfortable faces. "Oh, my God. This is her, isn't it?" Natasha wonders. "You had the nerve to bring her here? The girl you dumped me for after I gave you the best sex of your life?" Todd's wide-eyed expression at these revelations is hilarious. I really think his eyes would roll out of their sockets, were such a thing physiologically possible. Dawson awkwardly attempts to get Natasha to shut up, but no go. "What? I'm just quoting you, Dawson," she says. Off in the distance, Oliver looks sensitive and dreamy. Oh, and also sympathetic to Joey's plight. Natasha snarks that she hopes she's not embarrassing Dawson. Because she certainly wouldn't want to embarrass "Dawson Leery, what with his chivalrous nature and oh so quiet dignity!" Todd's eyes bug out even farther. He cocks a hilarious brow. Finally, Natasha turns to Joey. "See, Dawson's the kind of guy who will walk a girl home, you know?" she explains. "Help her over a rain puddle. A real gentleman. Then he sleeps with her, tells her it's the best he ever had and breaks up with her answering machine!" Joey puts on her stone face. "So nice to meet you," Natasha finally trills, and stomps away. Joey gives Dawson one last hairy eyeball and leaves. Dawson looks pained. Todd, on the other hand, looks thrilled and impressed.
At the party, Jack and Professor Ambiguously Gay drink beer and talk about The Simpsons. Jack can't believe how cool Professor Ambiguously Gay is! Professor Ambiguously Gay thinks Jack has "a natural gift for looking beneath the surface and seeing what's really going on!" Dude! That anvil crushed my favorite Isaac Mizrahi pumps, the ones I just got off eBay. Bite me, Professor Ambiguously Gay. But Jack just chuckles and thanks him. Professor Ambiguously Gay sits on the frat house stoop and exposits that he met his wife at a party like this in grad school. "Seems like a million years ago. She's pregnant. She just told me yesterday," he blurts. Jack looks at him sharply. "Everything just feels little too real," Professor Ambiguously Gay overshares, then apologizes. Jack brushes it off. After a brief moment of uncomfortable silence, Professor Ambiguously Gay admits that he feels ridiculous at a student party. "It's ridiculous that you feel ridiculous," Jack yelps, sitting on the stoop to him. Didn't we already do this Inappropriate Student/Teacher Relationship plot, like, last year? And during the first season? Did no one on the Dawson's Creek writing staff have a successful, non-icky relationship with a teacher?
Elsewhere, Pacey stands in a strip club and tries to call his irritating girlfriend. Wow, just when I think I couldn't care any less, I go and surprise myself. Anyway, Audrey doesn't pick up the phone, as it's drowning in a glass of Bud, and Pacey hangs up, frustrated. Bobby Briggs slithers over and demands that Pacey come over and check out the hot naked strippers. So he does. But only after a long, boring conversation in which Bobby Briggs makes up this very, very dull story about how he once hurt his girlfriend, but in the end, she just knew he was sorry and he never even really had to apologize and Pacey, to his credit, doesn't buy that line of bullshit whatsoever but goes and looks at the nudie dancers anyway.
Party. Frat Rat One is hitting on a clearly way too drunk Audrey, who really just wants to sleep on this lovely little velvet fainting couch that no frat in the world has ever owned. She drawls that she's very dumb and rich. You said it, I didn't, sweetpea. He swears that he doesn't mind that she's dumb and rich. I'm sure, in fact, that he prefers it. "You're sweet, I think," Audrey slurs, and begins to suck his face. He then pulls the old "let's find a place where we can be alone" shtick, dragging a very messy Audrey to the stairwell, where Jen is talking to Frat Rat Two about the White Stripes. Jen sees them, and calls Audrey's name. Frat Rat One pushes Audrey past Jen and up the stairs, explaining that they're going to the bedroom. "Don't you think she's a little drunk?" Jen wonders. And man, is she. She's about to pass out. "Don't you think you should mind your own business?" Frat Rat Two snaps. Audrey slurs that she's fine. Jen, good friend that she is, doesn't think that anything about this situation is okay. She tries to follow them up the stairs, but Frat Rat Two won't let her pass. "If you don't get out of my way in the five seconds, I will separate you from your genitalia," she finally spits. Passing by, Blandy hears this and steps in, asking what's going on. Jen explains the situation, but not without Frat Rat Two interjecting that "[Blandy's] psycho chick friend is freaking out." Blandy shrugs and points out that if Jen's over-reacting, then it won't be a problem if they go check out the situation. He then shoves Frat Rat Two away from the stairs and bounds up to rescue Audrey.
Upstairs, Audrey stumbles into Frat Rat One's bedroom. Man, this is just like that episode of when Kelly almost got raped by the cowboy at the Halloween party where she was all gussied up like a trampy witch woman and Donna was in that mermaid outfit and couldn't walk and Brenda and Dylan were Bonnie and Clyde. Instead of Steve Sanders, however, it is Jen who races inside to rescue the fair maiden, informing Audrey that they're leaving, like, right now. Frat Rat One sort of shoves Jen away, telling her to leave them alone. So Blandy gets all in Frat Rat One's face and physically holds him away from the girls, allowing them to scamper away. "I didn't do anything, man," Frat Rat One whines. Blandy just glares at him and walks away.
Movie Set. I can't believe I haven't died of boredom yet. Todd comes over to Dawson and makes his sad puppy-dog eyes and tearfully informs our stupid, large-noggined hero that he's fired. Because Natasha asked Todd to fire him. And Todd's really tore up about it, he says, because Dawson is the best assistant he's ever had, the only man he's ever loved, and the only person he doesn't actually really want to fire. Dawson swears that he understands. The Music of Gay Former Co-Worker Soulmates twinkles in the background as Todd and Dawson stare into one another's eyes. "It's got me so upset, I'm smoking again," Todd says, sticking a cigarette in his mouth. "You shouldn't do that," Dawson says. "Yeah, you're right," Todd agrees, taking a long drag. Dawson blinks sadly as Todd instructs him to keep in touch. Maybe they can work together on his film, he says. Dawson nods. Todd's eyes fill with wet juicy tears. "I'm going to miss you, mate," Todd snuffles. Dawson smiles weakly. Todd runs off, wailing and beating his breast.
Worthington School For Formerly Entertaining But Now Mostly Irritating Recent Additions To The Cast. Audrey stumbles into her room and falls on the bed, fully clothed. I assume she's praying for the room to stop spinning. Man, I was wasted on Thursday. I haven't been that drunk in ages! It was refreshing. Anyway, Jen turns at the door and tells Blandy that she's going to stay with Audrey. "You sure?" he asks. She is. Jen closes the door and asks Audrey if she can get her a glass of water, which is not the way to go about it. When you friend is that drunk, you get her a glass of water, hand it to her, and force her to drink the whole thing. ["And put a trash can to her bed. Yeah, you heard me." -- Sars] Audrey drunkenly orders Jen to go home. "Seriously, Jen. Leave," she says. Jen looks pained, but goes, telling Audrey she'll call her in the morning. Audrey sprawls on her hot pink shag-carpet pillow and looks miserable. Man, if she hurls onto that pillow, she'll never get the vomit out.
Blandy is waiting for Jen in the hallway. He swears he was going to leave in a minute, but…Jen apologizes for being mean to him earlier. Blandy assures her that she wasn't being mean. Jen makes a sad face. "You know, what happened to Audrey tonight? It's happened to me before," she tells him. "More than once. And to watch, to watch her go through it, it was just weird. Now you know what a mess I am." Yawn. I am so bored of this Jen Is A Bad, Bad Girl routine. Blandy is, too, apparently, as he tells her that she doesn't think she's a mess. "Well, then you haven't been playing very close attention tonight," Jen sniffles. Blandy assures her that she didn't do anything wrong, and whatever mistakes she's made in the past, they're over. "And they've obviously made you a more empathetic and more compassionate person. I don't think that's such a bad thing," he tells her. Jen sneers that this is "a nice spin," but claims that it's entirely untrue. Blandy just looks at her. "It is true. You just need to learn to believe it," he tells her.
Movie Set. Joey is still there, for some godforsaken reason. She wanders past a slightly guilty-looking Natasha. Finally, Dawson comes up with the payment for the food and tells her that he's going back to California, since he's all Mister Unemployed now. Joey unapologetically informs him that she's sorry. "Things happen," he shrugs. Oliver watches them talk from behind the wheel of the car, looking, yes, still all sensitive and dreamy. Joey offers that she should probably go. "Can I ask you a question?" Dawson asks her. Joey shrugs. Dawson wonders if things would have worked out between them if things had been different. Dude, if things had been different, then…things would have been different. What the hell kind of stupid question is that? I think, in this instance, "if things had been different" means "if we hadn't had sex." But Dawson could have just said that. Joey squinches up her face. "I don't know," she says. "I mean, that's the thing with us. They never are, are they?" Oh, my God. Shut UP, you two. It's been countless years! Move on! Joey makes her thoughtful face and tells Dawson that "in a way, it's good, you know?" Dawson makes his brain-damaged puppy face. "Maybe it's the only way that we can finally stand on our own, you know? Hurt each other so much that we finally have no choice but to let go," Joey clarifies. Please, God, let go. "Maybe otherwise, we never would," she finishes. "Maybe," Dawson says. Finally, Joey leaves. In her little director's chair, Natasha, who's seen this entire ridiculous exchange, looks sad and guilty.
Across town, Professor Ambiguously Gay gives Jack a ride home from the party, thanking him for hanging out. He had fun! So did Jack! See, it's just like a date! "And I needed it. I don't think I ever felt so confused in my whole life," Professor Ambiguously Gay continues. "I mean, here I am, a married man, my wife is pregnant, and I show up at a party just because I'm hoping to run into a certain student." He gives Jack a very lascivious glance. Jack looks terrified. Nice acting, Kerr. Not. "I just shocked you, did I? You're shocked," Professor Ambiguously Gay says. Well, I guess "shocked" is in the script, but this looks like "freaked out" to me. Jack admits that he is, indeed, shocked. Professor Ambiguously Gay tells him to "think about it," you know, if he wants and he'll just see him in class. Jack makes a very quick, squicked-out exit from the car. Well, that went well. "Oh my God," he breathes, alone on the sidewalk.. "That man thinks I'm GAY!"
Back at Worthington, Audrey has somehow managed to put on her jammies. Pacey comes to the door, wanting to talk. She shakes her head at him and asks him to just come in and hold her. Barf. Audrey, by the way, looks like she's wearing a necklace of moles. So Pacey trudges into his holding cell and climbs into the twin bed with her, fully clothed. Audrey looks miserable. Wow. That's just really pathetic.
Movie set. Rest easy, children. Our long national nightmare is over: Dawson has his job back. That was easy. Natasha tells him that she got him his job back, and apologizes for acting like such a crazy nutbar. It's all because she loved him! Or something. Whatever. "You really hurt me, Dawson," Natasha says. "I mean, really. I liked you a lot. And then you broke up with me on my answering machine!" Oh, sweet fancy Moses. We KNOW! He's sorry. She knows, she says, explaining that she saw him talking to Joey and she realized that Joey hurt him way more than Dawson ever hurt her. "But you still hurt me, a lot," she reiterates. Oh my God, Dawson hasn't hurt anyone as much as he's hurt me (with the exception of Sars and Wing Chun), and even I don't bring it up this much. Dawson repeats that he knows. "I know you know," Natasha finally says, telling him that Todd said he'd fire Dawson if Dawson wasn't back on the set in five minutes. Dawson grins smugly.
Over at Liberty Hell's Kitchen, Oliver and Joey close up the bar. Oliver asks about Dawson, whom Joey classifies as an old friend. Oliver assures her that he didn't mean to pry. Joey nods and finally asks him why he likes On The Road so much. Oliver says some stuff I don't hear because I'm staring at his pretty, pretty face. Something about the celebration of madness and taking chances and, you know, sucking the marrow out of life and what not. At least he has the good grace to look embarrassed by this low-rent Dead Poets Society hoo-ha coming out of his mouth. So Joey reaches up and kisses him. She smiles weakly at him when they pull away. "What was that?" Oliver asks. Joey twitters that she was just following an impulse. She flashes him the half-smile. But it has no effect! Praise the sweet baby Jesus! "No, you weren't," Oliver says. "It's that guy. From the movie set. You're angry at him. He hurt you. And that's how you chose to deal with it." Joey of course denies this. Oliver is almost insulted by her denial. "Well, tell me I'm wrong," he says. She does, weakly. "No, no I'm not," he says. "Look, I don't mind you kissing me if it's because you want to kiss me. Not for revenge or because you want to forget someone else. You know, whatever happened between you guys, you're going to have to deal with it yourself. Just you," he tells her. Joey looks stunned by the failure of her It. "Look, uh, I'll give you a ride home, okay? I'm just going to get my coat," Oliver says, and runs off. Joey looks sad as an ovary hums that her It has finally broken down.