Have you read part one? You don't want to miss all the hot Joey-on-Dawson action! Okay, maybe you do.
We open on the morning after. Clothes are strewn all over the floor. If I see undergarments, I swear to God, I'm going to lose my shit. Oh God, are those -- yes, those are panties. I can't believe they're doing this to me, mere moments after I had to see Dawson's hands all over -- I'm sorry, I still can't talk about it. I'm just pretending I didn't see any of that. Including those boxers on the floor. Nope, didn't see those either. La la la la la. The camera pans up to Joey's bed, where Dawson and Joey are all snuggled together. Dawson kisses Joey's naked shoulder. Oh, God, will my torture never end? God, make it stop! Oh, crap, they're doing it again. Did I do something wrong in a former life? Thank God, they cut to the snow globe just before I start vomiting again. I can't vomit this much, people. I'll end up in this hospital being treated for dehydration and exhaustion. Actually, that really doesn't sound so bad. I could just lie there and read magazines. People could visit and bring my flowers and chocolate, and then I could deny to the press that I have a problem with drugs and/or alcohol. Maybe some hot guys would come to my bedside and sob over my condition and wail toward the heavens, praying for my recovery. Also, I hear they serve Jell-O in the hospital. I love me some Jell-O.
Apres…well, you know. Joey wakes up to a note on her pillow. It reads: "Went out for breakfast." She examines this, as the same damn Twinkly Psycho Soulmate Music chortles in the background. I'll be hearing that music in my nightmares. Dawson walks in with coffee. "Hey, you're up," he obviouses. "Yeah. You went out," she replies. "Yeah," he says. Oy, the romantic dialogue between these two! It's searing me with the white-hot flames of its passion! Joey, realizing that she's naked, asks Dawson to hand over her robe. We barely avoid seeing butt crack as she puts it on. Which would have been okay -- my retinas are seared beyond saving already, anyway. She asks if he brought her a latte. He brought her that…and a rose. Oh, gag me. "Roses. All over Worthington," he sighs. She smells it. "Kinda hokey, don't you think?" Joey asks. Dawson agrees. Joey informs him that it's a $500 fine if you're caught picking the roses. "Worth every penny," Dawson says. Joey smiles up at him over the flower. "So, we should probably stop and think about this," she says. Dawson looks away. Must they talk about everything? Can they not enjoy this for five minutes? Apparently not. "You know, about what it means," Joey blathers. "About how all this will change --" Change what? Everything? We never find out, as Dawson kisses her to shut her up. "Maybe later," he says. They kiss again. And he lies her back down on the bed. Again. I stick my head into a bucket of bleach. Again. I didn't need my eyelids, anyway.
The Most Expensive Hotel In Boston, Where Audrey's Dad Is Basically Paying For His Daughter To Have Sex On 400-Thread-Count Sheets. Audrey's on the phone with room service when Pacey comes out of the bathroom and disconnects her. He looks lovely in his suit. "We can afford it!" Audrey yelps at him, re: the room service. "We?" Pacey asks. Audrey clarifies that "[her] dad" can afford it. Oh, this relationship is doomed. I can feel it in my bones. "What do you say? Champagne? Bloody Marys?" Audrey chirps. "I say that we're not on the set of Dynasty and you have class in an hour," Pacey replies, holding a tie up against his suit. Yep. They're doomed. I'd like to add that I don't know why Audrey is doing the Sex and the City Bra Under Lingerie thing here, but it looks sort of cute, albeit somewhat uncomfortable, so I'll let it go. The hotel room is very pretty, too, all white crown molding and pale green walls, although I don't like the layout of the room. I would have put the bed closer to the windows and…this isn't an episode of Trading Spaces so I'll just stop now. Audrey kneels on the bed and fixes Pacey's tie. She tells him that she's sure the interview is just a technicality. "Trust me, when my dad pulls strings, they stay pulled. How do you think I got into Worthington?" she coos. That's just charming. They keep talking, but Pacey looks very cute in the tie and I'm distracted. At any rate, eventually he heads off to his interview and she settles back into bed and calls room service. Mmmm, I love room service.
Boston Bay. Grams and Jen emerge from the bookstore, laden down with -- you guessed it! -- books, and take a seat at a table on the patio. Grams lets it slip that she's taking a math class (if by "lets it slip," I mean "bought a math textbook," which I do), and Jen is appalled. Grams mutters that there's no harm in taking an interest in Clifton Smalls's life's work, but Jen thinks it's a slippery slope from taking an interest in one's boyfriend to "sublimating your own thoughts and desires and for what? For a grand change to participate in the greater patriarchal heterosexist fraud that is better known as monogamy?" That? Is so romantic. At the table behind them, a cute boy with bad, bad hair eavesdrops. Grams peers at him, interested, as Jen continues railing against men and society, wondering if Grams wants to spend her "golden years folding some man's laundry." Grams just looks at her. "I mean, haven't we come further as a sex -- what?" Jen stops, mid-rant, to turn and see what Grams is looking at. "Hi," the boy says. "Hi, I'm sorry, are we bothering you? Because, perhaps, if it's not too much trouble, you could get your own conversation," Jen spits. Wow, that was rude. In the real world, the cute boy with bad hair would just be like, "Fine, you nutbar," and stomp off, but because this is television and in television that which would get you slugged in the real world is deemed charming and acceptable, he apologizes and explains that he was just trying to figure out where's he met her before. "Then I realized I've never met you before," he adds. Jen snips that she's so very glad they got that figured out. Why is Jen so hostile, may I ask? A cute boy wants to talk to her! Is that so wrong? Why am I suddenly sounding like my mother? Anyhoo, it turns out that Cute Boy With Bad Hair -- henceforth to be known as CBWBH -- used to listen to her radio show. "She was on the radio!" Grams pipes up. "Well, you were," she says to Jen. "She was very good too." Jen sort of giggles and blushes that, yes, she was on the radio and thanks for listening and bye bye, now. It is exposited that she had "artistic differences with the new management" of the radio station and is no longer a DJ. The real reason is that the producers realized that it wasn't very interesting for the audience to watch a DJ sit in a booth and spin tunes, which is why, you know, radio isn't on television to begin with, generally speaking. Grams smiles at CBWBH and invites him to join them. Jen makes a "GRAMS!" face at her grandmother. Grams makes a innocent face in return.
Over to the stockbroker's office. Pacey and the rest of the trainees sit around a table. I can't believe Pacey is becoming a stockbroker now, considering the state of the market and especially in light of the fact that he's basically totally unqualified to be one, but whatever. Enter Dana Ashbrook (Twin Peaks's erstwhile Bobby Briggs), who hasn't aged well. At the very least, he needs a haircut -- this longish one just emphasizes the fact that he's thinning a little bit on top. Anyway, Bobby Briggs reenacts a couple of scenes from Boiler Room and then we all go home. But not before Pacey raises his hand and asks why, given the volatility of the market, anyone would even want this job. Good question, Pacey. Bobby Briggs explains that they're all in it for the same reason people play the Lotto. "Money?" Pacey asks. That, Bobby Briggs says, and hope. They're selling…hope. Oh, give me a break. They're certainly not selling hope, and whatever it is that they are selling, I'm not buying it. "I have one more question," Pacey asks. "Who the hell are you?" Oh, good God. I almost wish he'd go back to being the security guard at the yacht club if this is the kind of dialogue we're going to get for this story arc -- and it really pains me to say that, because I think Gina Fattore, who wrote this particular episode, is probably the show's strongest writer. Bobby Briggs introduces himself, but I don't listen to his name because, to me, he's Bobby Briggs now and forever. Anyway, Pacey is IN! Bobby's all, "Fab. See you Monday." Pacey starts to leave, but Bobby calls him back. "Oh, and you might want to rethink that suit. It seems a little gay," he says. Pacey furrows his brow and leaves. What's that supposed to mean? I mean, I get it -- it's Jack's suit and Jack is gay, gay, gay, but who says that sort of thing? Isn't that some kind of harassment or something? At the very least, it's a bizarre comment to make to anyone, especially someone you've just met. And so it appears that Pacey will have yet another improbable job with an unpleasant boss.
Joey's dorm room. Dawson examines the Snow Globe of Sex. I will never be able to look at a snow globe the same way again. Snow globes are officially ruined for me. Oh, except I still want the one I saw in Las Vegas the last time I was there. It was, officially, the worst snow globe ever: Jesus Christ, on the cross. In a snow globe. How sacrilegious is that? Oh! Or an Elvis snow globe, because that's kitschy delight. I'd still want an Elvis -- okay, so maybe this show hasn't ruined snow globes for me. It has, however, blinded me, and I think that's bad enough. Joey finally emerges from the bathroom, looking all glowy and I-Just-Got-Laidy. They beam at each other. Aw, that's almost sort of sweet.
"You look beautiful," Dawson says. Joey blushes and thanks him. She does look very pretty here, albeit a bit orange. Dawson tells her that he has to work, but they'll get together later. "I'll call you," he says, then hurries to say that he doesn't mean that like, you know, the bad cliché. Joey smiles. "Not like the standard blow-off you get from a frat guy trying to make a graceful exit from the world's most embarrassing hookup?" she asks. "Yes! I mean not like that," Dawson says. "Not embarrassing?" Joey asks. "Not like that," he reiterates, sitting down on the bed. Joey wonders if he agrees that "since last night, words have lost all meaning." Dawson chuckles. "Because I just spent 15 minutes in the bathroom trying to think of something to say to you and all I could come up with is 'hi,'" Joey tells him. Dawson smiles at her. "I like it," he tells her. "It was heartfelt and sincere." Joey corrects him, and says that it was "idiotic." Dawson chuckles that he can top it. That note he left on her pillow? Took multiple drafts. They grin idiotically at each other in silence for a moment before Dawson's cell phone rings and Todd starts screaming in his ear. Dawson manages to squeak out a few words to Todd, then hangs up and looks vaguely put upon. Joey tells him to go, and call her later. But she has one thing to ask him first. "What happened to the other three drafts?" He tossed them when he went out to get coffee. "I thought that was a little suspicious," Joey grins. Dawson's face falls a little bit and he starts to say that, actually, he needs to tell her that -- and, of course, the phone rings, interrupting him. The LED readout indicates that it's "Satan" calling, which Joey correctly interprets as Todd. Todd screams that he needs a drink and a pastry and then slams the phone down. Todd is my idol. He's everything I would like to be. Anyway, Joey kicks Dawson out after a little more schmoopy vomit-inducing action. On opposite sides of the door, they both look somewhat stunned by the events of the evening.
Dawson meets Todd in an underground parking garage. "Would you murder someone in this alley?" Todd asks, in what I hope is foreshadowing. Dawson doesn't mention that they're not technically even in an alley, but simply indicates that he would, and he'd start with Todd himself. Cue playful boss/peon banter about caffeine and pastries and locations and call times and it's pretty clear that Todd is in love with Dawson. Even if he isn't, I've decided that he is, if only to amuse myself. At some point, Todd recognizes the relaxed look on Dawson's face and yelps that Dawson must have gotten some tail. "Details!" he demands. But Dawson won't kiss and tell, he says. Todd looks disappointed to hear it, and climbs into the Lincoln Navigator wearing the sad face of the unsatisfied snoop. A face I know only too well.
Hell's Kitchen. Joey smiles wistfully at the jukebox. Oliver Hudson -- I can't call him Eddie. I try, but my fingers type Oliver. I'm sorry -- bumps into her, walking towards the bar. "Excuse me!" Joey snaps at him. He turns and looks at her blankly. She snits that he obviously doesn't remember her. Shouldn't she be happier and more relaxed, having just gotten laid? Of course, it was Dawson. Oliver looks at her, uninterested. "Oh, yeah. Sure. Nice to see you again," he says mildly. "I'm sorry, I don't really have time to chit-chat." Joey snits that she's not trying to make some kind of social connection with him, or anything. Wow, she's irritating. Who acts like this? "You can just apologize and we'll move on," she snaps. "Apologize?" Oliver parrots. "Yeah," Joey says. "Look, you read the book, you come to class. Preferably in that order," Oliver explains calmly. "You finished?" Joey snaps. He is. "Good," Joey says, explaining that she's all het up because he bumped right into her! "Well, I'm sorry," Oliver says. "Thank you," Joey sniffs. "Didn't realize you were so delicate," Oliver says over his shoulder as he walks away. She pouts. Don't worry, Princess Potter -- I'm sure your It will win him over eventually. After a moment, Emma comes over, and yadda, yadda, yadda, Joey's "currently realigning her life priorities" and she's "trusting her instincts for a change" and her instincts are telling her to become a Haughty Beer Wench. Emma hands over an application. Joey wonders if Oliver eats there regularly. "Not particularly, no," Emma retorts. "But he does work here. He's the bartender." Of course he is! Joey shoots a dirty look at Oliver's back.
Back at Grams's, Pacey is cooking for Audrey and Jack as Audrey explains that she ditched class again. Is it wrong that I want her to flunk out? I mean, Daddy pulled strings to get her into a posh college and now she's not even attending the first day of class? It aggrieves the nerdy academian in me. Anyway, Jack and Pacey can't find a place to live. Oh, Jesus. Here we go again. Pacey wants to go convince Emma to let them live with her. Because a strange man trying to harass me into living with him would totally do the trick. Audrey points out that if Emma doesn't want to live with them, she doesn't -- oh, Jesus, I just can't do this anymore. This plotline is painfully dull and excruciatingly obvious. It's the season premiere and I'm already refusing to recap something. It's nice to get off to such a strong start.
CBWBH and Jen chit-chat. Man, he's bland. I'm sorry, but he is. So bland, in fact, that I think I shall refer to him as such. They're talking about how Jen lives with her grandmother; Blandy thinks it's "sweet." Jen speeds that everyone thinks it's sweet. "How do they know I don't beat her with a stick and tie her to the radiator all winter?" she asks. Blandy has no response to that. "Is this a cry for help?" he finally asks. But I don't think he means it as a joke, although it's actually a very funny line. "Do I look like I need help?" Jen stutters. Jen's doing a lot of speed-talking and stammering lately, and I'm not sure if it's a character choice or if Michelle Williams has picked up a new acting tic. Blandy drones that he thinks she'd be good at giving advice. Jen, for some reason, interprets this as him trying to convince her to join a religious cult, and goes into one of her deranged tic attacks. "Oh God. Oh no! It's not your fault. It's my fault. This has happened to me before. This religious thing…oh, God. No! Not God. Not God. I'm going to go now," she says. Seriously. I like Michelle Williams and all, but is Jen supposed to be, like, flighty and wacky now, or is she about to have some kind of psychotic break? Because I'm not sure if the new exaggerated tics and stammers are supposed to be cute personality bits or sad omens of a sure-to-be-poorly executed Very Special Episode on the horizon. Blandy stops her from running away. "I do want something from you. Several things, actually," he says, and asks her to sit back down. Jen agrees to "perch." And then she perches awkwardly in her seat. Blandy begins by saying that it's a difficult thing to phrase properly. "Have you ever heard of The Stand?" he asks. Jen starts to bolt. Is he a Stephen King groupie? "It's not a religion! It's a peer counseling program!" Blandy calls after her. No, it's not. It's a long fat book about the end of the world. Well, sort of. "You think I need COUNSELING?" Jen screeches. I do! I do! Bring back Tom Frost! ["God, for real. Maybe I'd actually watch the show." -- Sars] Blandy explains that he thinks she could GIVE counseling. "Oh, you mean help people?" Jen chirps. Blandy just wants her to come to an informational session. "And you'll be there?" Jen asks. Blandy will be. Jen promises to think about it.
Joey stands outside a warehouse talking to Dawson on her cell phone. "I think I made a huge mistake," she says into the phone. "Excuse me?" Dawson asks, worried. But, see, Joey just thinks she made a wrong turn! Not that their having sex was a mistake! Not to worry! "There's no here here," Joey whines, looking around the warehouses. Thank you, Gertrude Stein. Behind her, Dawson swings a door open. "Wrong again," he says. Yes, the first time she was wrong was when…oh, heavens, I can't think back that far anymore.
Dawson leads Joey inside the warehouse, which doubles as a soundstage, and what follows is basically a long, very filler-y segment about Dawson's Great and Unwavering Love for the Art of Film and whatnot, which is a trait of his I've always found insufferably dull so I'm going to skip most of what happens here, telling you only that he has somehow talked the set designer into designing a set that looks exactly like Casa Leery and Joey equates this with winning the Nobel prize for curing cancer and discovering cold fusion all in one day instead of simply saying, "Wow, this looks just like your house! Cool," like a normal person.
Dawson and Joey pretend they've never seen a movie set for the seventy-eleven years. Joey is still yelping about how brilliant Dawson is and how amazing it is that he's been allowed to design the entire set of the film and how incredible it is that the production designer hasn't run him down with a truck yet and blah blah magic of the movies blah blah spectacle blah blah blah blah the writers realized they had ten minutes to fill and wrote this scene sitting at a stop light on the way into the office. At long last, Todd catches them canoodling and comes over to chat and give Joey the old lecherous hairy eyeball. Dawson makes the introductions, somewhat reluctantly, as Todd hilariously gives Joey a completely inappropriate once-over. They engage in excruciatingly dull small talk for bit, until Todd finally escapes, tossing Joey a little wink as Dawson finally drags him away to get back to work. Seriously, what was the point of that scene?
Emma's flat. Jack, predictably, loves the place. And Emma and her totally tasteless belly shirt tries to kick Pacey out of her pad six or seven more times. Yes, again. Mid-kick-out, two girls (who I presume are the lesbian couple mentioned in part one) come down the spiral staircase to coo that they'll take the place. Emma tells Pacey for the one-thousandth time to get lost. I can't believe she hasn't called the police yet.
At the other end of town, Jen is at the Up With People -- or, er, The Stand -- meeting. The group leader is just inordinately perky in a deeply terrifying way, chirping that people should "never be afraid to ask for a hug at the end of a tough day," and so forth. Jen eyes the poster hanging on the wall right to her head. It's of the "One of These Days, I'm Going to Get Ornagized" ilk. She makes a skeeved face and bails.
She runs into Blandy right outside the meeting and whines that she just can't go back in there. "I saw the posters," she says, continuing that she's really not down with "the hugging and the one day at a time" thing. Blandy nods. He gets it: it's not cool enough for her. Jen yammers that it's all really…"nice." But she's not much of a joiner. "It was really nice to meet you. And good luck. And bye," Jen stammers. Blandy furrows his brow and wonders why she even came to the meeting, if she's "not a joiner." "Um, that's not obvious?" Jen asks, shifting her weight. Blandy asks her to explain, "for argument's sake." Jen stutters that she promised herself over the summer to try to do things differently, to make new friends, but she can't do that by pretending to be something she's not, because then all her new friends will all think she's something that she's, you know, not. She gulps a giant breath after spewing all that out. Blandly raises a brow. I think. "Well, what aren't you?" he asks. Jen looks at him and confesses that she's not "as great of a person as [Blandy] thinks she is." Blandy calmly shrugs that that's too bad. "And no matter what happens this year, I hope you do one thing," he tells her as he takes his leave. "Change your mind about yourself."
In rebellion against the stupidity of this ridiculously predictable apartment plot, I am not recapping the scene. All you need to know is that Pacey is being a jackass, up to and including telling Emma that "lesbians are notorious for committing too soon" and that before she knows it, they're going to be "splitsville and throwing appliances at each other." Table for Unattractive Stereotype Number Three! Unattractive Stereotype Number Three, your table is ready! Emma wonders how Pacey knows that she's not going to be throwing her appliances at him. "And for that matter, how do you know I'm not a lesbian?" she asks pertly. Pacey looks somewhat taken aback and concedes the point. From across the room, the entire Gay Contingent of Potential Roommates looks at him. Audrey perches on the sofa and reads US Weekly, which I must say has turned into a first-rate tabloid over the last few months. I love it now that it's all gossipy and trashy. It fills a void in my reading schedule. Anyway. "And you make your living selling people stuff," Emma wonders. Pacey goes to Plan L, which is Yammering About The Many Benefits of Living With Him And Jack, Like Security (Because They're Boys!) And Home-cooked Dinners! Plus, he points out, he has a steady girlfriend. Audrey pipes up that they're probably going to break up soon and then Pacey will have a "string of hos" running through the joint. Pacey gives her a dirty look and drags her off into the corner for a talking too. In another corner, Jack is lying to the lesbians about how the apartment is overrun with vermin.
In the corner, Audrey and Pacey talk about Emma. He whines that she hates him. I can't imagine why. You're just STALKING her for an APARTMENT. "I know," Audrey agrees. "She hates you too much. I don't trust it." Blah, blah, blah. No one cares! Audrey points out that Jack has managed to drive away the lesbians. Jack comes up to them and watches proudly as, yes, the lesbians leave in a big hurry. "What did you say?" Pacey wonders. Jack shrugs. "My love for this apartment knows no ethical boundaries," he says.
Dawson. Joey. Champagne in plastic glasses on the faux Casa Leery patio. Schmoopy. Flashbacks of the night. Gagging. Retching. Barfing. Tearing at eye sockets. Screaming. Wailing. Hollering. Bargaining with God. Sobbing. Rolling back and forth in the fetal position. And yes, some of that was me.
Post-schmoop, Dawson walks Joey back to her room. Blah blah blah he's leaving the day. "And then what?" Joey asks. "And then I come back," he tells her. "To what, exactly?" Joey presses. "To us?" he offers. She smiles. More kissing. I think I'm almost immune to the kissing. In fact, yes, I -- nope, I still want to yack. As they mack, his phone rings. "You should answer that, you know," Joey says, her mouth smooshed against his. Dawson takes a gander at the caller ID and blanches. He shoves the phone back into his pocket. They kiss some more. Joey finally reaches over and playfully wrestles the phone away from him. "Who's the girl?" she asks coolly. "You're the girl," Dawson offers awkwardly. "No, who's the girl calling your cell phone?" Joey asks. Dawson lies that it's "a friend" and then it all goes to hell. He admits that it's a girl that he's "been kinda seeing." Right as he says this, Audrey flings open the door to hers and Joey's dorm room and asks perkily if they're coming in or not, because they're trying "not very successfully to throw [Joey] a surprise party." Joey gives Dawson a pissed, hurt look as Audrey reaches out and drags her inside.
When everyone yells, "Surprise!" Joey fails to muster up a very happy expression. "You hate it, don't you?" Audrey moans. "No," Joey practically sobs. "Lucky me." She smiles really, really fakely. Jack, holding a cake with his very, very strong buff arms, shoots a look at Jen.
After a series of commercials in which I rail against Taryn Manning, and her "singing" and "dancing" "skills," Joey opens her presents. "Do you love it? Audrey asks, leaning over and looking into the box she gave Joey. "I got it at Fred Segal, so you can't return it even if you don't." Ah, Fred Segal. Such an endless delight. Especially when your daddy pays your credit cards bills. Which, for the record, mine does not. Joey manages to tell Audrey that she loves her gift. Jen hesitantly wonders if something is wrong. Joey puts on a brave face, but soon she leaps up, grabs Dawson, and drags him into the bathroom.
"You have a girlfriend!" she screams. Outside, everyone exchanges glances. They can hear everything. "I slept with you last night and you have a girlfriend?" Joey screams. Pacey looks at the wall. "This is a very unhappy birthday," Jen whispers. In the bathroom, Dawson clarifies that he was "seeing someone." Pacey and Audrey eavesdrop in silence. Pacey is wearing two red party hats like horns. It's cute.
In the bathroom. Dawson swears that he broke up with this girl that very morning! "How, in your mind?" Joey snips. Dawson explains that he did it on the way to get coffee! "Would you rather I didn't?" he asks. "NO! I would rather you weren't involved with someone when we finally sleep together!" she yells. Oh, dear. I can sort of see both sides of this. He did try to tell her at the bar. And he probably should have told her before they had sex. But these things get away from you sometimes and he did break it off immediately. He wasn't serious with this other girl -- if anyone should be aggrieved, really, it's the other girl. She was the one who was cheated on and got broken up with. Really, although it's understandable, Joey's being a little irrational. Things are rarely perfect in adult relationships and throwing sex into the mix doesn't usually clarify the matter. This bites, yes, but I don't know that it should be an ironclad deal-breaker. Dawson tells her that he knows it "ruins the fantasy," but he swears that the girl "meant nothing to him." ["Oh, that's nice, Dawson. There's ways to put that that aren't, you know, skeevy." -- Sars] Joey screams that he should have told her. "When?" Dawson asks. "BEFORE!" Joey yells. Well, that's probably true.
, she drags him out of the bathroom and actually takes a poll. Yes. The height of maturity. Polling your friends about the wrongdoings in your relationship, right in front of the person you're accusing. I so can't believe the other four didn't sneak out during the yelling. The gang is split solidly along gender lines: Jen and Audrey agree that Dawson should have told her before the sex. Dawson ignores all of them and calmly tells Joey that she's blowing things way out of proportion. Jack asks them quietly to take a breather. Pacey suggests that, actually, they leave. Audrey tells him that she can't leave until Joey says it's okay to leave her alone. "It's fine, Audrey," Joey says, still giving Dawson a dirty look. At this, Audrey -- and everyone else -- books. "Happy birthday, Jo," Pacey calls over his shoulder.
Once they're gone, Joey goes back to screaming. Dawson points out that they didn't talk at all over the summer, which was her choice as much as his. "So I asked you to lie to me?" Joey screams. Technically, he didn't, Joey. I mean, if you want to split hairs. It was sort of just a lie of omission. Dawson calmly points out that if they'd stopped and thought at all last night, they never would have had sex. And the world would be a happier place. "And I for one am not sorry that [they had sex]. If you are, that's a different argument. And, actually, a much bigger deal," Dawson says. Joey interrupts him to scream some more about how he has a girlfriend and how that is a very big deal! "Had a girlfriend," he corrects her. Dawson says that he's well aware that their timing is far from perfect, but that perfect timing is never going to happen for them. Or for anyone in the real world, actually. Joey shifts from "freaking" into "totally fucking losing her shit" and screams that now he can move on, because he finally nailed her. "Slept with Joey! Cross that off your list of things to do!" she shrieks. Dawson remains remarkably calm in the face of all this screaming and tells her that it meant more than that, and she knows it. She wonders how, exactly, she is supposed to know that, because they haven't talked! He's changed! Dawson finally gets a little sad, wondering how she could possibly think that he could wait all these years to hook up with her and not want it to mean something. Joey gets all sarcastic here. "Oh, I'm sorry you got sick of waiting, Dawson," she snips. "And I'm sorry I wanted our first time to mean something more than --" Dawson jumps in at this point, yelling that it DID mean something! And I can't tell you how refreshing it is to see an actual conversation on this show. It's about time these two had it out. "I mean, it means everything to me!" he tells her. "I don't know what it means to you." Joey's eyes are one millimeter away from actually falling out of her head. "Are you saying I wanted this to happen?" she squeals.
Dawson finally gets nasty and retorts that that would involve Joey actually knowing what she wants. "Which we both know is unlikely to happen anytime this decade," he says. I hate to say this, it pains me deeply, but: word, Dawson. "Oh, great. Use something I said when I was a child," Joey spits. "You're still a child, Joey," Dawson says. "You're still the same little girl who…" Joey crosses her arms. "Who what? Who what, Dawson? Who broke your heart? Is the statute of limitations ever going to end on that one? Ever?" Dawson looks gobsmacked. Joey keeps going. "Dawson, I am sorry I don't have the same dreams I did when I was 15 years old and I'm sorry that I moved on faster than you did, but you know what? Maybe not everything that happens to you is my fault and maybe, just because I want more from my life than --" Dawson has not even flared his nostrils yet and I cannot believe it. "More than what?" he asks. "More than us? You don't know, do you? You've never known. The entire time I've known you, all you've ever wanted to do was escape. From me. From Capeside. And you say that I'm the dreamer, that I'm the one who doesn't want to live in the real world. Well, I'm doing it, Joey," he tells her. "Right now. I'm living in the real world. It's you who wants the fantasy." At this, Joey pouts and crosses her arms like a child. "I want the fantasy?" she asks. "Yes," Dawson says. I'm a little shocked, but both Katie Holmes and the Beek are doing a pretty good job with this scene. Joey points out that he's the one who lit the all the stupid candles and bought the all the cheesy champagne. "Who dumped who four years ago?" Dawson asks. Oh, you had to go there, didn't you? Dude, you've got to get over that. Also, remember that time she offered herself to you sexually and you rejected her? Remember that? Okay then. Oh, hey, did I tell you the kettle called? Don't forget to get back to it. Dawson finally asks Joey if, before they destroy whatever chance they have at a relationship, she could please take five minutes to stop and think if she wants it all to end like this.
Hell's Kitchen. Audrey, Jack, Pacey, and Jen stare at their sodas. Audrey mutters that Dawson and Joey must do this all the time, right? And it's healthy to argue, right? "I wouldn't use the word 'healthy,'" Pacey says, settling instead on "structurally unsound." Jack agrees. He thinks Joey and Dawson's relationship is super-dysfunctional. Ah, at last! These are my people! Jen turns to Jack, shocked, and asks if he's "a non-believer." No, he's just sane, sweetie. Jack points out that she broke them up the first time! Jen twists her mouth up and takes a sip of soda. Audrey leans over and asks Jen what she thinks of the Dawson/Joey relationship. Jen shrugs that she's totally biased, since she's all mixed up in it. "I'm just roadkill on the Dawson and Joey Highway," she says. Heh. Everyone laughs, as Emma swing by with another round of strictly non-alcoholic beverages. She leaves after making sure that they don't need anything else and Jack chases her. He wants to apologize for that afternoon, he tells her. "You can have it," she says. Jack's all, "What?" Emma purses her lips up. "The flat. You can have it," she says, explaining that she didn't want to give Pacey the satisfaction, but they eventually convinced her. What did I tell you? This entire plotline has been an enormous waste of my time. "You will not regret this!" Jack crows. Emma looks wearily over at Pacey. "Oh, yes, I will," she says. I already do.
Back at the table, Jack hands Pacey the keys to their new pad. "We're moving in this weekend," he says. Everyone is very excited about this, although Jen is sad to be left alone at Grams's, and Audrey isn't wild about celebrating something that could prove "the death knell of her relationship." Oh, shut up. Your own spoiled harpy behavior is going to kill your relationship, kid. They toast "to friendship."
Dawson sits against Joey's bed and looks sad and lost. Joey sobs in the background. How glad am I that I'm not 19 anymore? So very glad. Eventually, she comes out of the bathroom, all teary-eyed. "What time's your flight?" she asks. "Ten," Dawson monotones. Joey advises him to leave plenty of time. He will. This is scintillating. Staring. Staring. Ah, there's a tiny nostril! "Why are you doing this, Joey?" the Head finally asks. "We're doing this, Dawson. It's what we do. It's what we always do," Joey sighs. "Last night was real," Dawson insists. "Today was real. It's you, not me, that doesn't want to deal with the realities of an adult relationship." Joey stares at him for a long moment and finally tells Dawson that he's right. She wants the fantasy. "I want more than anything for us to be together. But not like this. Not screaming at the top of our lungs about things that happened four years ago." Girl, please. People argue. Every single relationship is marked by a screaming bout here or there. Get over it. Dawson tells her that if they can't argue like this and get past it, then.… "Maybe there's nothing here worth saving," Joey finishes sadly. Okay, drama queen. She looks at her feet, then tells Dawson that maybe having sex was "a mistake." It certainly was as far as I am concerned. I'm still picking shards of glass out of my cheek from around the 8:56 PM mark, when I threw myself through my living room window to escape their love-making. Dawson looks gobsmacked. "Wow," he stammers. "If that's the way you feel, then…I should go." And so he does.
On either side of the door, Dawson's and Joey's faces collapse. Both turn and come very close to opening the door, but decide against it, and walk away. In her sad, sad bedroom, Joey lies on the bed and sobs and sobs. She takes the snow globe and turns it so that she can see it better, then bursts into tears anew. I wish she had thrown it against the wall.
week: Dude, I can't even handle it. I'm blowing town and going to a wedding, instead. Behave yourselves when I'm gone, okay?