Last week: Dawson and Pander screened Charlie Todd Has A Giant Package; Pacey told Audrey that she "moved [him]"; Jen hates Charlie but Joey likes him; and Jack began television's more boring descent into destructive alcoholism and despair.
We open with Joey perched on Dawson's bed, watching a spring break-themed movie while Dawson throws things in a duffel bag. "So, let me get this straight," she begins, eyeing the television screen. Dawson grins. "Why do I feel a quasi-feminist rant coming on?" he asks. Shout out? Joey tells Dawson to "shut up." Shout out! Then she spews some nonsense about how, in these movies, spring break is "hunting season" and "girls are the target." Dawson takes a tee-shirt out of his chest of drawers and comments that it's not like the girls "don't have a choice." Joey snips that they certainly have the option to "stay home and study," which is what she thinks she's going to do. Dawson rolls his eyes. "Just go already!" he mock-yells as her, telling her to have some fun for once, because she "deserves" it. Joey rolls her eyes and spins around on the bed to face him and pleads with him to "skip the big Hollywood meeting" and come along with them to Florida. Dawson snorts that it's so not a "big Hollywood meeting," just a sit-down with an agent in New York who's interested in his movie. Joey shakes her head and chuckles that this meeting is, in fact, "huge," and she's so totally proud. Dawson cocks a brow. "You rule, you rock, you are a golden god, now accept it!" she crows. Oh, ew. I'm actually watching Almost Famous right now, and...yeah, let's just say that it's a whole lot better than Dawson's Creek. Dawson just shakes his head and smiles and adds more cotton undergarments to his bag.
Joey watches him and slowly smiles and says that the Flash would have been really excited about this whole Meeting With a Big Hollywood Agent Thing. Dawson nods and makes bittersweet faces as the Piano of the Dead Gay Dad tinkles cheerily in the background. Joey smiles at him. "It's weird," she says, "you've had this year, this completely awful year and yet, somehow, everything worked out for the best." I'd like to live in Joey's world, where losing a parent equates "working out for the best." I'm quite sure Dawson would sacrifice having a (probably fly-by-night) agent buy him lunch in a split second if it would bring his father back. "That's one way of looking at it," he mutters, making a series of uncomfortable faces. After working through Chapter One of Smell the Fart!: Emoting for Dummies, he apologizes to Joey for treating her like crap after the Flash bought the farm. Joey shakes her head and swears that she never "held it against [him], not once." Dawson sinks down to her on the bed. Joey continues, telling Dawson that she thinks "it's better," anyway. "Do you really believe that?" Dawson asks. In other words, "How could you possibly think your life is better without the possibility, however slight, of sex with me lurking under the surface like a bloodthirsty shark?" Joey shrugs. "I spend half the time wondering what might have been, and the other half thinking, just as well." Dawson nods thoughtfully and wonders if the two of them will "ever get it right." Joey half-grins. "Not in this lifetime," she says. I hope to God she's right. "How about the one after that?" Dawson cracks. "Or the one after that, where we're both cats?" Joey asks. Dawson gives her a funny look, and they both burst into giggles. They hug and Joey wishes him good luck. He tells her to have fun, and bring him back a tee-shirt that says, "My Soulmate Went to Florida and All I Got Was This Lousy Tee-Shirt." Hey, what's that? Oh, it's my dinner.
Dawson and Pander are driving to New York, New York. Apparently, Dawson hasn't spoken in the past ninety minutes, and Pander'd like to know what's on his mind. "Or, shall I say, who?" he asks. Dawson hems and haws that he wasn't thinking about anyone. Or anything. Pander tells Dawson that if he doesn't spill, Pander will have to sing. "Be my guest," Dawson chuckles. And Pander launches into a rather humorous Elvis imitation, to which Dawson very quickly puts a stop. "Joey!" he says. "Don't ever do that again, please." Pander grins and announces that he wants "the story on that one." Dawson rolls his eyes and says it's "a long one." Pander raises a brow. "Does it look like I'm going anywhere, sport?" Dawson purses his lips and steers violently. "All right," he says. "Stop me if you get confused." And this cues a long series of sepia-toned flashbacks. I'd get more detailed, but you know the story: Dawson used to have really unspeakably bad almost mullet-like hair, Joey loved him for some reason, and then they started doing a lot of yelling and hair flinging and crying horrible tears of angst.
Fade to Joey reading a book on the beach in Florida, all covered up and studious in the midst of mostly naked co-eds. Because the mere suggestion of the pleasures of the flesh offends her saintly and delicate sensibilities. Audrey waves at her sanctimonious roommate from the balcony of a nearby beach house, and is shortly thereafter swept off her feet -- literally -- by Pacey, who carries her into a bedroom and tosses her onto the bed. Pacey kisses her and exposits that this is her parents' beach house. "Do your parents even know who I am?" he wonders. "And why would Southern Californians have a beach house all the way in Florida, when Malibu is so close?" Audrey sucks his face and murmurs that they don't know about him, and that the place is in Florida because, later, when Dawson gets a bee in his bonnet about Joey for the one thousandth time, he'll be able to hop in the car and drive to her. Pacey laps up her lower lip and tells her that his parents don't know a thing about her, either, and that he's sick of all the contrived plot points on this show, especially regarding the apparently extremely fluid geography of the United States. Audrey pulls her face away from him, and wonders what she'd tell her parents about him anyway, and also says that he needs to work on his suspension of disbelief. "You could tell [your parents] I'm good in bed," Pacey suggests. Audrey laughs, then looks sort of thoughtful. Pacey pulls back to stare at all the moles on her neck in silence for a moment, then repeats that they agreed not to tell their parents about each other, and that's still the plan, "right?" "Right," Audrey says sadly. Cue more yammering, the upshot of which is that Audrey and Pacey aren't officially an item. So what happened last week, then?
Jack sits on the beach house porch's overhang and talks quietly on the phone, looking very perturbed. Joey and Jen stand on the porch beneath him, and manage to coax him off of the roof as soon as he gets off the phone. Jack shakes off whatever was bothering him, and tells the girls that he's about to go to the market for "provisions." Jen and Joey start chattering about yogurt and cold medication, but Jack stops them. "I said the necessary provisions. That's beer and Jell-O." Ah, well do I remember those days. Okay, maybe not really all that well.
Joey's phone rings; it's Charlie. Long story short, he's been calling her every three hours, trying to talk her into giving him her address. Long story even shorter: he's stalking her. "No problem," Joey finally tells him. "I'm at 359 Get Over It Avenue, on the corner of No Way in Hell and Main." Wow, I'm right down the street at 147 Shut Up and Do It Already, just off Kill Me Now Boulevard. She hangs up on him with a self-satisfied smile.
The gang, sans Jack, hangs out poolside, looking bored and slightly chilly. Pacey suggests they play strip poker. The girls shoot him disgusted looks. "Come on! It's not like I haven't seen you all naked before," he says. This prompts three completely horrified glares. When did he ever see Jen naked? I know they did some making out, but nudity? Not so sure. Jack eventually shows up, handing Pacey a beer. Guess who comes up the walk ? No, guess! No, really, guess! Okay, it's no one you've ever heard of, but the kids all recognize him as "Chris Hartford," a big-time movie star clearly based on Josh Hartnett, combed down bangs and all. Josh Hart-not (tm Kalypso21) strolls right into Audrey's backyard, clearly thrilled to see her. "Oh my God, the movie star I ordered finally got here! I was so worried," Pacey twitters in a quiet falsetto to Jack, who snorts. Pacey's expression grows vaguely more perturbed, however, when Josh starts fawning all over the clearly uncomfortable Audrey, who eventually explains rather shirtily that she and Josh went to high school together. She asks, irritated, what he's doing there. Blah blah blah, MTV, yadda yadda yadda nameless pop band concert yammer yammer yammer everyone would just loooooove to join the MTV beach bash just down the road.
Pacey and Audrey and Joey hang slightly back, as Jen and Jack follow Josh Hart-not to the Product Placement Party. Audrey immediately cuts Pacey off at the pass, telling him right off the bat that she and Josh never dated. "We were just friends! What do I look like, the Whore of Babylon?" she asks. "Don't answer that," she says. Yeah, Audrey? The "I'm A Naughty Vixen" act is over; everyone knows you're not a whore. Was anyone watching last week other than me? God. Anyway, Pacey's all, okay. Then he leaves so that Audrey can inform Joey that, in fact, she totally dated Josh Hart-not and that he's "the one [she] [thinks] about every time 'In Your Eyes' comes on the radio. [Her] perfect high-school boyfriend." First of all, Audrey was a fetus when "In Your Eyes" first came out (I was practically a fetus myself). And, man, this episode is full of Cameron Crowe references, from the Almost Famous bit in the opening scene (and, of course, Jack's leap from the roof of the beach house into the pool later in this episode), and then this Say Anything... reference, and the thing is, I really don't understand why. Are the writers on a big Cameron Crowe kick? Were they just trying to be clever? I pray to God they're not making some Dawson Is The Cameron Crowe meta-statement, because, um, not.
Although I have to admit that I will accept Dawson hooking up with Joey if -- and only if -- Joey parlays her newfound rock-star status into a gig as a singer in a Heart-esque band with Bessie. They could run all over North America, wearing pleather catsuits and singing power ballads, and then Bessie could gain some weight and get very bitter about Joey getting all of the attention, but then they'd make up because they're sisters and sisters love each other. Second, why is Audrey lying to Pacey? He knows she's had some sex before. Why didn't she just tell him that Josh is her ex, and leave it be? Oh, because no one on this show can have an angst-free relationship, even if the angst is utterly contrived and forced down everyone's throats. If the writers wanted angst, I don't understand why they didn't explore a more realistic story line in which Audrey and Pacey fall for each other, and Joey is enormously hurt by it, and see where that goes. Just a suggestion.
"Kill me now," Audrey moans, taking the words right out of my mouth. Joey sanctimoniously informs her roommate that lying never improves a situation. Which is, in itself, a lie. Telling someone that their new expensive skirt makes them look fat and hideous? Not a good idea. Lying and saying that it looks lovely? Improves the situation. "Listen, Mother Theresa," Audrey snarks, "why don't you go take a smoke break and bring back my good friend Joey?" Joey smiles wryly and hugs Audrey, telling her that "everything will be okay." Audrey sighs that she has to go throw up. Then she runs off, leaving Joey alone to answer her ever-persistent cell phone. Charlie, natch. Still stalking her. In fact, he's stalked her all the way to the side of Audrey's parents' pool. Joey looks vaguely horrified when she turns to see him standing beside her, still yakking to her on the phone. "Call you right back," he simpers. Joey just stares. Now that Charlie's sunk to the level of the Vaguely Criminal, Joey, maybe you ought to try a rousing rendition of "Rainy Days and Mondays," and see if he drops dead.
Product Placement Party, featuring "M2M," a band I am convinced MTV and the WB brewed up in a laboratory somewhere for use in this scene and this scene alone, because I've never heard of them and, believe you me, I know my crappy bubblegum pop. An M hits on Pacey very poorly (perhaps because she memorized her line phonetically because she doesn't really speak English? I don't know), he rejects her, she sings. Really, that's it.
Singing. Singing. Singing. There has been so much singing on this show lately, I don't understand why The Powers That Be don't just do a musical episode and get it over with. I'd pay good money to see Dawson crooning "Dude Looks Like a Lady."
PPP. Joey out and out calls Charlie a stalker. "I prefer to think of myself as doggedly persistent," he grins. Joey makes a face, and wonders how, exactly, he found her. Charlie smarms that he's real glad she asked.
Singing. Josh Hart-not. Audrey. He wants to get back together with her. She's all awkward and aggro, but doesn't exactly turn him down. Instead, she runs off. "You stay, and you dance to the pretty Norwegians, and I'll be right back," she says, before racing away and right into Pacey, who looks concerned. Audrey just stares at him and keeps on going. Josh gives Pacey an appraising look. Pacey's just confused.
Meanwhile, Charlie explains to Joey how, exactly, he tracked her down. He spins a long and elaborate story about calling Audrey's parents and posing as her lab partner, but finally confesses that he just called Pacey and asked. "After the road trip from hell?" Joey asks. She's a little impressed. And then she leaves him, saying that, as flattered as she is by the whole stalking thing, "it doesn't mean [she's] going to hang out with [him]." And then she leaves, cracking up to herself.
Singing. Singing. Singing. Singing.
So, Josh Hart-not and Pacey get down to business and have a literal pissing contest: Josh susses out the Audrey sitch in the men's room. After pleasantries, he wonders if Pacey knows Audrey well; Pacey says that he does. Josh smarms that Audrey is really great. "You got a question you want to ask me?" Pacey asks, wondering if Josh had a crush or something on Audrey in high school. "We dated for two years," Josh says, looking at Pacey like he's just grown another ear in the middle of his forehead. Pacey looks somewhat taken aback, but covers. "Well, damn!" he chuckles uncomfortably. "I guess that crush worked out pretty well for you, man." Josh grins patronizingly. "I was trying to find out if you guys are...and I guess you're not, so cool," he says. Nicely said. "Why 'cool'?" Pacey asks, looking rather sad. Josh just shrugs that he's been remembering how much he "adores" Audrey. At this, Pacey makes an abrupt exit. Josh spends the several minutes admiring himself in the mirror.
is a very silly and stupid scene wherein Charlie hits on some MTV chippie, and Joey cock blocks him by telling the chippie that he's the little kid in Hanson, "all grown up." The girl stares at Charlie, then thanks Joey for clueing her in. "Like, I probably would have hooked up with him and how embarrassing would that have been?" she asks, before scampering off. Charlie gives Joey a very dirty look. Dude, Hanson rocked! Okay, maybe "rocked" is too strong. But "Mmm Bop" is really catchy.
Fade into another series of the Flashbacks of Pain: more dramatic rejections, bad hair, breakdowns on the dock, flaring and heaving and puffing and sobbing, bralessness, and hair flipping, and tears. As far as I'm concerned, these flashbacks do nothing other than further convince me that Dawson and Joey should run far, far away from each other and never, never look back. Never. Ever.
Cut to Dawson and Pander in the car. Pander is crying. Yes. Crying. What? He's sensitive. "It's all very sad. All very...Merchant Ivory. How does it end?" he asks. Dawson shrugs that it doesn't. "In your heart of hearts, how would you want it to end?" Pander asks. Dawson lies that he just wants Joey to be happy, which we all know is really the furthest thing from the truth. He wants her to be with him, happily or no. "Jeez, Louise, you are boring!" Pander bursts out. "I think it should end tragically. Ten years from now, she passes you on the street. You're penniless and pathetic. And you run after her, but she thinks you're just some crazy bum. And then just as you're crossing the street, you get hit by a bus." Marry me, Pander. Dawson mock-glares at him. "You definitely have a problem with endings," he says. Pander prods him for more Dawson/Joey dirt. "I live for this junk," he coos.
Product Placement Party. It's now night, and M2M is still "singing." As if they have enough songs in their set to last more than an hour, tops. This song also really, really blows. Anyway, Joey's flirting with some guy I vaguely recognize. I think he either works for MTV or was on a season of Road Rules. I don't know, and it's not important. All you need to know is that Charlie manages to run the guy off and Joey finds this somewhat charming, although most people would merely find it stunningly annoying.
In the scene, we learn that Jack is real drunk.
Audrey. Pacey. Angst. Moving on. Okay, fine: he's mad she lied. And she yelps that she really didn't want to ever have this conversation, because she knew he would "never let it go." Pacey points out that they certainly are having a good time now, aren't they? Look what lying does, kids! It tears people apart! Listen to Saint Joey: liars are doomed to burn endlessly in hell! Hell! Where they'll also be poked with sharp sticks and be forced to wear ugly outfits for all eternity! Hell, I say! Audrey sort of apologizes, and admits that she "messed up." Pacey looks at her thoughtfully and says that he thinks there's more to do than that. "What more do you want to know?" Audrey asks, then spits that Josh Hart-not was "[her] Dawson" and that breaking up with him was really hard and sometimes she wonders if she made the wrong choice. "Is that what you wanted to hear?" she asks. "Yes," Pacey says quietly. Josh Jackson's doing a bang-up job with this scene, by the way; his expression when Audrey threw out that phrase "my Dawson" was truly stellar: disappointed and disgusted at the same time. Pacey walks away. "Are you mad at me now?" Audrey asks him before he's out of earshot. "Why would I be?" he responds, very evenly. Um, because that was a really low blow? Audrey says that he's really freaking her out, but Pacey just shrugs and reminds her that "lying is for people who are in serious relationships," and that they "were never that serious." Audrey looks enormously hurt by this, but shakes it off and agrees. Then she walks off.
Later, Pacey and Joey walk on the beach, through the reeds, talking. It reminds me of that scene last year where she told him that she lied to Dawson about them having sex, which is, by the way, the point at which I decided I was going to boycott this show forever and ever. That worked well, didn't it? Pacey points out that "old-school Pacey" would just dive right into this "messy love triangle," and would end up losing the girl anyway, so he's decided not to fight it. Joey has the good grace to look somewhat guilty, and starts to speak up. Pacey cuts her off, telling her that it's okay: he's not making the same mistake twice. Joey wonders how he knows that this would even end up like, you know, that other thing that happened on this show that one time that I think someone told me about once. "Because, Joey, she said, 'He's my Dawson,' which as you know is my own personal kryptonite," Pacey reminds her. Joey points out that she didn't end up with Dawson. Of course, she didn't end up with Pacey, either, so I don't know how good an argument that is. "He's part of the past," Joey says. Pacey snorts that Dawson is "the past, present and future," (God no!) and that he just wants a woman with "no soulmates to speak of, and smallish feet." Dude, I wear a size-five shoe! Pace, call me! "You want Audrey," Joey says. Pacey shrugs that he's not going to get her. "If you open yourselves up to the possibility that you need each other, you might just fall in love," Joey simpers. Oh, barf. Pacey looks thoughtful. "So, what about you?" he asks, and wonders if she's going to follow her own advice. He nods at Charlie, who is conveniently walking to the beach with his surfboard right at this moment. "Him? No, that's different," Joey says, telling Pacey that she doesn't even like Charlie. "Of course not," Pacey drawls sarcastically. "The blushing, the laughing, the flirting, the singing?" He grins and shakes his head, and Joey admits that maybe she likes Charlie just a bit. Especially since she saw his mighty big package. "But in that stupid, fun way," she qualifies. Pacey thinks she ought to go for it. "He came to see you, and he called me, a rather intimidating ex-boyfriend, to find out where you were. That takes guts," he says. Joey shrugs. "Or he could just be an idiot," she says. Pacey grins. "He could be. Why don't you go find out?" And so she does.
Further Flashbacks of Pain: Rain. Ladders. Crying. Flaring. Gagging. Blah blah blah, Dawson's superior storytelling skills have convinced Pander that it's a good idea for them to blow off their meeting with the big fancy Hollywood agent and instead drive down to Florida and continue torturing Joey. "The story, the way you told it, it sounds like the sun rises and sets with this girl," Pander says. "It does," Dawson admits. "So, why don't you hang your balls out there and say that," Pander tells him. Oh my God, Dawson's balls! The horror! The HORROR! Dawson smarms that he doesn't "have the right," because he "pushed her away and she moved on." Pander repeats that Dawson has to have this conversation with Joey, or nothing will ever happen for them. Yes, praise God. "Meetings come and go, but this? This is how you achieve true greatness, my friend," Pander says. Dawson cackles. "Which way to Florida?" he asks. Oh God. Are you ready to revisit the Saga of Dawson and Joey? Because I am so, so not.
Montage time! This episode is so full of filler. Charlie teaches Joey to surf. Dawson drives. Jen coughs. Jack drinks. Pacey and Audrey avoid each other. Your recapper cries.
Jen and Jack finally meet on the porch. He's indulging in the hair of the dog that bit him, and she's sick with a head cold and also acting totally holier than thou. Basically, she thinks he's drinking too much. I think she's wearing too much eye shadow for someone with a head cold. "Don't turn this into a PSA on the perils of underage drinking," Jack groans. Jen shrugs that it just seems as though he's drinking to forget, and that if he wants to talk, well, she's there for him. Jack looks pissy and stomps off.
Welcome to this week's anemic catfight! In one corner, we have "Saint" Joey Potter! In the other, Jen "Rapidly Shrinking" Lindley! Let's have a clean fight, girls! And we're off! Joey chirps that Charlie taught her how to surf; Jen makes a series of uninteresting disapproving faces. "I just...I...I don't know," is her thoughtful argument against getting involved with Charlie. She's not sure why Joey would want to "waste [her] time." Joey purses her lips and points out that it is, in fact, her time. "And, anyway, he makes me laugh sometimes," she says. Jen snorts that "that's how he reels you in." Because she's been there! Joey tries to extricate herself from this, and says that she's just trying to go with her instincts, here. "But thank you," she says, and tries to leave, but Jen pulls her back, asking what Joey's instincts are telling her. Joey glares, and spits that Jen is probably not all that qualified to give her romantic advice. Jen sputters that she just doesn't want Joey to get hurt. "Come on, Jen. It's not like you've ever had my feelings in mind before," Joey finally spits. "I mean, what were your instincts telling you when you slept with Dawson?" And that is below the belt! Joey points that she didn't say anything when that went down, and she'd appreciate it if Jen'd return that favor. Jen counters this by demanding to know what Charlie means to Joey. Joey shrugs that she doesn't know that, yet, but she'd surely like to know what the hell he means to Jen. "Nothing," Jen insists. "So why do you care so much?" Joey asks. Charlie, of course, enters the room at this exact moment, bearing Joey's keys, which she left at the beach. Joey takes them from him, as Jen stomps off to bed saying she doesn't feel well at all. Joey looks right at Charlie, and asks him, like Calgon, to take her away.
Audrey stands all alone on her dark balcony, looking sad and very alone. Josh Hart-not comes slinking up behind her, taking her in his arms and cooing that he missed her freckles. Audrey sniffles that Josh could have "any freckle he wants." Josh smiles and tells her that...oh, forget it. No one cares about these two. Basically Audrey's not into Josh all that much anymore, but she kisses him anyway and Pacey, who's standing awkwardly behind them holding a flower, sees them mack and turns around, looking disappointed. Is there anyone in the world who thinks this is the end for Audrey and Pacey? Because if so, you clearly haven't been watching enough TV.
Night falls. Joey and Charlie sit on the beach, feeding a modest bonfire. He's trying to set up a tent so he can camp out on the sand. He didn't think she'd let him sleep with her, he says. "You're right about that one," Joey snickers. They're silent for a moment, then Charlie pulls out the whole "you're beautiful" line. Joey just looks sad, and moves her head when Charlie leans in for the kiss. "Did I do something wrong?" Charlie asks. Joey apologizes and gets up to go, murmuring that she doesn't know what she's even doing with him. Charlie shrugs and points out that they've just spent "an amazing day." He did a terrible thing to Jen, he admits, and he wishes that entire thing had never happened. "But it's not all that I am," he tells her. "Haven't you ever hurt anybody?" Joey listens to the pretty music of the Soulmate Piano of Pain in the background as she thinks. Silence. Piano. Silence. Piano. "Let me help you with that tent," Joey says.
After the commercials, we're treated to a bumper of Katie Holmes talking to the camera about her favorite Dawson's Creek moment, in honor of the 100th episode. They show the clip, which is the moment when Pacey gave her the wall. And I don't have to recap that scene, because it's already done for me! Whoo! Why doesn't anyone ever give me a wall, man? "A hundred and counting," Katie Holmes chirps. "Enjoy!" Barf!
Florida. Dawson, looking exhausted, finally arrives at the beach house, leaving Pander to sleep in the car. Dawson walks to the back of the house, finding Jack standing on the roof of the house, drinking. He's the golden god now, I guess. Dawson calls a half-assed greeting. "Hey, look, I can fly!" Jack crows drunkenly. Dawson's all, dude, come on down now. No, seriously, come on down. And so Jack does; by leaping into the pool and praying for sweet , sweet death. Dawson, however, intervenes by leaping in and fishing Jack out of the drink.
Later, Jack's all damp and wrapped in a blanket, but Dawson is completely dry. Dawson is magic! Jack's sobbing and sobbing about how Tobey has a boyfriend now, and he (Jack) is flunking out of school and he's also a big drunk and his life is a giant pile of crap and he didn't think it would be this hard! Whatever will he do with the disaster that is his life? Dawson looks vaguely sympathetic and assures Jack that "they'll all" help him out. Jack snarks that everyone says that -- they all did when the Flash died -- but it doesn't really help. Dawson begs to differ. They helped him, he says. "It made all the difference in the world." Jack snuffles back another fakola tear. "How am I supposed to fix my life if I don't even know where I went wrong?" he asks. "I just want to go back. I just want to start over!" Sob! Dawson gulps in the face of such very bad acting.
Audrey. Pacey. Poolside. She has to tell him something. "You kissed [Josh Hart-not]," Pacey says. "Yeah. What the hell?" Audrey asks, incredulous. Pacey tells her that he's now psychic. Not really; he tells her that he had private investigators on her trail and that what they found out "wasn't pretty." No, he really did say that. Audrey shrugs that his spending "all that time tracking [her] down, would kind of mean [he] care[s]." Pacey agrees that it sort of would. "So, do you?" Audrey asks. "I can't keep going down this road that we've been on." She tells him that she's not good with "this vulnerable thing," and she really just wants to be his girlfriend. Period. And she wants him to want it, too. "I do. I do," Pacey coos, and takes her in his arms. He's been wanting to tell her that all day, he says. "I was just waiting for my moment." Audrey purrs that "right now" is looking pretty good. "Audrey? Will you be my girlfriend?" Pacey asks, telling her that if the answer is yes, she should meet him under the jungle gym at recess.
Dawson. Pacey. Beach house. Pacey's outfit is quite literally eyeball searing. I am now blind. From what I recall before my sight was ripped from me, he's wearing a taupe-colored Hawaiian shirt and blue Hawaiian shorts. Yes, it's that bad. Actually, no, it's worse. He's surprised to see Dawson. Dawson, looking knackered, explains that he's there....he trails off. "To find Joey," Pacey fills in for him. "Yeah," Dawson says. Pacey stares at him for a moment, then says that "this is a bad idea." Dawson gripes that he's going on no sleep whatsoever and he doesn't want to talk about it. "I'm serious. You've got to give this thing up," Pacey says, pouring himself a cup of coffee. "That thing you do to each other, the heroes of bad timing, you have got to give that up. It's over," he says. Sing it, brother. Dawson sets his jaw. "No, it's not," he says. Pacey can't understand why Dawson keeps doing this to himself. "How many times you going to come back?" he asks. "Until there's nothing left to come back for, I guess," Dawson says. And the thing is, I don't even hate him for this. He's just...pathetic. At some point, you have to fish or cut bait, and Dawson can't really seem to do either. Pacey looks sad for Dawson, too. "Suppose I were to tell you there's nothing right now," he says. Dawson wishes that was the case. "But it's not. I can feel it," he insists. Pacey sputters that Dawson's just going to hurt himself, but Dawson interrupts, saying that Pacey is the cynic, while Dawson is the idealist. "That's how it works," he says wearily. He feels something so strong, he says, pulling him to Joey. And he has to act on it. "It's the only thing I know how to do. Tell me where she is." Pacey sort of shakes his head. "She's with Charlie, Dawson," Pacey says quietly. And Dawson just looks sad.
Indeed, Joey and Charlie are sleeping together in his tent, which is set up in the living room, à la Claudia in Party of Five. They wake slowly -- fully dressed, mind you -- and banter cheerfully. Apparently, Joey is telling Charlie the story of her life, and they're all the way to seventh grade. Charlie pretends to care, because he wants to get into Joey's pants. "You want a break?" she asks him. "From you? Never," Charlie says. "You're good with the one liners. Almost too good," Joey giggles. Charlie grins and says that he hasn't even kissed her yet, so he must be losing his touch. Joey doesn't think so, she says. And she leans over and kisses him. When they pull away from each other, Charlie starts laughing, and falls over onto his back. She laughs, too. Whee!
And so Dawson goes and mopes on the beach, hands in his pockets, staring at the water. Mutant shark-men run out of the surf and eat him alive. We fade out to the sound of his agonized screaming. The end! Best episode ever!
Okay, fine. No shark-men. But you people are no fun.