Downtown Crossing

Last week: Joey threw a snowball at a sign.

Post-snowball. Joey skips down the deserted Boston street, humming "Close To You," the classic Carpenters tune. I love the Carpenters. Seriously, I do. Karen Carpenter's voice is really beautiful. Also, that Movie of the Week about all the anorexia and whatnot rocked. Although, in retrospect, Katie Holmes probably weighs less than the girl who played Karen Carpenter in that movie, seeing as television actresses have gotten much thinner in the last ten years. Anyway. Joey skips past the bank and then stops, turns, and scampers inside the ATM vestibule. She's so happy! Nothing could ever go wrong with her, ever! She's all punching numbers into the ATM and humming and glowing and, whilst waiting for the machine to spit out her cash, whips out her cell phone and dials Creepy's number. "Hi, Professor [Creepy]?" she opens, all toothily grinning. She giggles. "Okay, David, then. That feels weird. So, I'm done here. Is it okay if I still stop by?" She's giggling and twirling her hair and simpering and booty-calling and some dude outside rattles the door and she doesn't even notice. Joey murmurs that she's "just about to get on the T," and she'll be at his place "in a bit." She chirps a cheerful goodbye and disconnects. She removes the cash and the card and leaves the ATM, still singing "Close To You." As she shuffles down the sidewalk, Mr. Mugger trails her from the other side of the street. Joey is oblivious. Where was she during, um, every year of her life? How many times was I taught to look alive while walking down a deserted street in the middle of the night? Seriously, looking alert and confident can help protect you, because muggers and the like tend to target people who look as though they can be taken by surprise. Or so I learned from Ms. Giamo in Health class, 1992. On the other side of the street, Mr. Mugger lights a cigarette in profile, all Cigarette Smoking Man-style, like, don't I get enough of that recapping The X-Files? Maybe aliens will kidnap Joey, remove her ova, kill her sister, give her cancer, impregnate her, and then send her boyfriend off into the night with no explanation whatsoever.