Previously on Dawson's Desktop -- er, I mean, "Creek": Tobey teased Jack about his homoactivism, and Jack called himself "a Tobey activist"; Dawson needled Gretchen about applying for a job in Boston, and she told him she had to get on with her own life; Jen confronted her father about boinking the babysitter; Gretchen told Joey that Pacey got arrested for public drunkenness, and that Doug interceded, and that Pacey's "in a lot of pain." I hope you caught those last six words, because if you don't read the Desktop, that's the sum total of the lead-up we get for tonight's main plot.
Fade up on the PB&B. "Payback's A" Joey Potter stands in front of the mirror in a purple Delia's-esque prom dress; behind her, Bessie "Duena" Potter makes adjustments and tells her sister through a mouthful of pins that she looks "wadiant." From the bed where he's lounging, Pacey "Chuck Knoblauch" Witter translates that to "radiant," and agrees with Bessie's assessment, but Joey says she doesn't look radiant, she looks "silly." Yeah, nice try, but it's a little too late to fall back on the tomboy thing when you haven't mentioned it in, like, two years, "writers." ["Seriously. That's only the fortieth strappy dress I've seen her in. This year." -- Wing Chun] Pacey seconds that emotion by saying he won't dignify that with a response. Joey snarks about the prom: "I mean, what are we, like, in high school?" Pacey says patiently that yes, in fact, they are. Joey refers to her not-so-hot "track record" at proms, calling last year's anti-prom a "debacle," and if she thinks attending it sucked, she should try recappingit some time. Bessie says through the pins that the script calls for her to leave the room so that Joey and Pacey can have an awkward moment together; Pacey translates that she has to go pick up Alexander, and Bessie tells Pacey to "finish" with the dress and bustles off. "Okay," Pacey says, taking the pins and approaching Joey reluctantly. Joey asks flirtatiously if he likes the dress. He believes he already used the word "radiant." Joey, cuddling up close, burbles that she figures the dress "isn't really the part that guys care about" -- it's after the prom, when the dress comes off, and she tries to punctuate that (very good, by the way) point by going in for a smooch, but Pacey parries by saying that, speaking of that, he needs her to pick up the prom tickets. Joey frowns and turns around so that Pacey can futz around with the dress; she thought he planned to pick up the tickets. He can't; his "poor academic standing has put [him] on the 'do not sell to' list." Ouch. Joey asks if he's got the limo under control; he says he does, and reminds her that he's "gonna take care of everything." Joey offers that he doesn't have to take care of everything, that she can help with the "preparations," but Pacey says gently that he wants to: "I wanna make this perfect for you." Joey turns back around, smiling, and murmurs that he doesn't have to make it perfect, and she goes in for another kiss -- again, no go. Pacey says that it's "sweet of [her] to say," but he'd like to try, and turns her back around to mess with the dress some more. Do you get it? No? Okay, see, she's all schmoopy, but he's -- oh, you do get it. Okay, good. Wait, what's that? What do you mean, "where did it come from"? Well, how would I know? I don't read the Desktop. Okay, okay, here's where it's coming from. Paul Stupin rummaged around in his ass and pulled it out. Okay? That's all I've got.
Anyhow. Joey, perturbed, turns back around, and Pacey makes "gotta get going" noises, and Joey takes his hand over her shoulder as he tells her reflection in the mirror that he loves her, and that she deserves "the most amazing senior prom that anyone has ever had," and he's going to give it to her, "so from here on out, smooth sailing, I promise." She nods, half-smiling. Pacey reaches for the zipper. Quick cut away so that we'll find the exaggerated "rrrrrrriiiipp!" on the soundtrack amusing. Pacey and Joey both stare down at the damage he's just done. Pacey: "Damn." Pacey, ladies and germs. Nine-thirty show is not the same as the seven-thirty…oh, forget it.
Credits. Cat getting dressed in a novelty pet tuxedo.
Back from commercials to the Ryan Home. In Jen's room, Tobey "Tobi! Tobé!" entertains "The Abyss Looks Back Into" Jen Lindley and Jack "Is A Fictional Character Played By Kerr Smith, Who Is Not Gay And Who Doesn't Think That Teenagers Need To See Two Guys Kissing On A Weekly Basis, And It's A Good Thing He Told Us That On Page 14 Of Entertainment Weekly, Because Otherwise We Might Think That He Endorsed Homosexuality, Because We Can't Tell The Difference Between The Actor And The Character He Plays, And Because God Forbid A Straight Man Playing A Gay Character Just Does His Job And Supports The Right Of Gay Teens To See Themselves Represented On Primetime Television, And I Totally Don't Hope That The Ghost Of Paul Lynde Floats Over To Kerr's House And Jams That Undeserved GLAAD Award Up His Ass -- Oh, Wait, We Can, He Should, I Totally Do, And SHUT UP KERR YOU STUPID-ASS TOURETTE'S-ADDLED FRAT RAT" McPhee with tales of past proms. Apparently, Tobey's fifteen and he's at some girl's senior prom, and he tells her that he's gay, so she hikes her tongue down his throat and then grabs his hand and puts it on her wonderfulness and tells him to give her an hour and she'll rock his world. Heh. I think I know that girl, actually. Jack and Jen laugh, scandalized. Tobey says not to let his "horror stories" put them off; he's sure they'll have a great time. Then he makes to leave for a doctor's appointment, saying that it's the last one after "the incident," and Jen gets up to hug and kiss him goodbye. Tobey wishes her luck in finding a dress, and tells her to keep the prom-issue magazines scattered all over the bed…except for Cosmo, which he snags for the sex quiz. Hee hee! I heart Tobey. Then he and Jack shake hands, which seems a little too straight, but whatever, and Tobey tells Jack to call him, he wants to hear all the "prom-related details," and then he bolts.
Jen closes the door behind him and turns to fix Jack with a very funny "and…so?" look. Jack tells her not to start. Jen's all, "Hey, I didn't say anything," and Jack's all, "You don't have to, so don't, because no, I'm not asking Tobey to the prom," and Jen's all, "Why not? You like him, you have fun together, he wants you to ask him 'cause he couldn't shut up about prom prom prom just now," and Jack's like, "Um, remember Gayoda? Yeah. Not going there, don't want to deal with it," and Jen says on behalf of everyone in the viewing audience, "Jack? Nobody cares. Just -- take the boy to prom." Jack accuses her of trying to get out of going to prom by making him go with Tobey, and shouts, "Just pick a dress!" Jen protests that it's fine, she'll just go stag, but Jack reminds her of Tobey's "more-than-platonic feelings" and says he can't ask Tobey to the prom or he'll get the wrong idea. Jen tries to argue some more. They do a little Dr. Evil "eh -- zip it -- but -- hey -- no." Jack tells her again to pick a dress.
Cut to Jen and Gretchen "Chillin' With A Forty" Witter in a dress shop, standing glumly in front of the changing-room mirror. Jen's got a frilly yellow something on; Gretchen looks very nice in a sparkly deep-blue one-shoulder number. Gretchen asks how she looks; as Joey looks on approvingly, Jen tells Gretchen that she looks "perfect," while she herself looks like "a big, stupid freak." Well, strapless isn't her look, but it's not that bad. Joey and Gretchen encourage her, and when Joey comes up with "luminous," Jen changes her assessment of herself to "a big luminous freak." Snick.
Tuxedo fitting room. Jack tells Dawson "He's Little In The Middle But He's Got Much Forehead" Leery that he's going to look great. Get glasses, Jack. There's back-and-forth about corsages and the limo, and we establish that Pacey's got it covered. Foreshadowing comes out of the bathroom, tracking watery footprints behind him, to tell me that I've run out of shampoo.
Back to the dress shop, where Gretchen is saying that she's the freak, not Jen: "My senior prom was last century." She adds that it's kind of depressing when she thinks about it. Yeah -- welcome to my life, hon. Joey makes "don't be depressed" noises, and Gretchen tries to sell herself on the idea by saying that she's not really depressed; she's up for the Boston job, and she's looking forward to the prom as a "fun trip down memory lane, on the arm of a guy I'm totally into." Mmm hmm. "Fun." Good try, Gretchen. "What's there to be depressed about?" she asks. Have you got a week? Joey shrugs all "exactly."
Tuxes 'R' Us. Jack, wrestling with a bow tie, needles Dawson on whether he and Gretchen will "fulfill the longstanding teenage tradition of after-prom sex." Jack? Please. We don't want to know. Dawson -- whose hair looks as though the hair lady squeezed it out of a tube and scraped it down along his head using a putty knife, i.e. "like shit" -- knots a satin cravat and declines to answer. Jack laughs like "you dawg!" Okay, usually these two have good, funny scenes together, but that one didn't work.
Happily, it ends quickly and we cut back to the dress shop. Jen has a nice strappy sienna-colored shift on; Joey stands behind her, fiddling with Jen's hair, and asks how she's doing, because ever since they got back from NYC, Jen seems a little…Jen interrupts, "Horribly messed-up?" "Sad," Joey corrects her. Jen appraises herself in the mirror and admits with false cheer that she's sad, and horribly messed-up as well, and scared of the future and "haunted by the past," but other than that she feels "really good about things," and she's almost crying but the end of that little litany, but she smiles all embarrassed and waves a hand all "don't worry about me." Michelle Williams does a nice job here.
Tuxes 'R' Us. Jack PSAs for Dawson to "be careful, man" if he decides to "do it" on prom night. Yeah. "Careful." Careful not to get puked on by the unfortunate recipient of that special brand of chipmunky love. Dawson thanks Jack for his "concern," then says all hard-ass that he's got his "emotional bases covered." Jack cracks on him. Dawson smirks, "I admit to nothing."
Dresse shoppe. Joey sighs, "So why don't I feel perfect?" And again I ask, have you got a week? Jen comes out of the dressing room wearing a cute lacy strappy number and quotes Tom Frost in saying, "Why don't you tell me?" Joey helps fasten Jen up while saying that she's "terrified of the future, for one thing" and mentioning the pregnancy scare -- and first of all, college-bound students do not spend nearly this much time stressing about The Future, but second of all, why didn't Joey talk to Jen about the "scare" when it happened? I mean, they went to New York together; that would imply a certain level of closeness, right? Oh, forget it. Joey goes over to a dress rack and fiddles with the dresses for a minute before remarking that maybe it's Pacey, and saying that lately, he doesn't seem "too eager to…to touch me." Jen smiles that maybe he's just waiting for Joey to initiate things. Not a bad argument, given that Joey is always reacting instead of acting, but on the other hand, he's a teenage boy. Teenage boys don't "wait for" jack. Joey says that maybe Jen's right, but then frowns, "Jen, what if he's not waiting for me?"
Street. Dawson walks along, tux over shoulder, and runs into Gretchen. They smooch, and he smarms at her, but she cuts him off by telling him tearfully that she didn't get the Boston job because she doesn't have a college degree "or the necessary experience." At last, a hint of realism. Dawson says sincerely that "that suuuucks," and gives her a hug. Gretchen trembles that she thought she "had it," and she doesn't know what she's going to do. Dawson offers to bag the "whole prom thing," but Gretchen says no, it's his "milestone" to enjoy, not hers. "Are you sure?" "Yes. Yes! It's fine. It's more than fine -- it's gonna kick ass, I promise." She hugs him, but over his shoulder, she's doing The Patented Joey Potter Brooding And Staring Into The Middle Distance Thing. In other words, "fine" it ain't.
House of Tobey. On the front steps, Jen gives Tobey a song-and-dance about how Jack totally wants to ask Tobey to the prom, but he's insecure and worried about Tobey saying no. Tobey's not buying it, saying that it didn't seem like Jack wanted to ask him, but Jen's all, "Would I lie?" and, in a meta-statement about certain homosexually panicking actors on this show cough KERR cough, calls Jack "a seething quagmire of neuroses." Tobey thinks it over and starts smiling all "awww yeah" to himself -- god, he's cute -- as Jen rambles on that Jack practically begged her to come over and sound Tobey out about it, she assures him that Jack wants to go to the prom with him, blah blah blah.
Cut to the PB&B, where Pacey and Joey hang out on her bed; Pacey's reading, and Joey's pretending to leaf through a magazine while shooting Pacey worried looks. Finally, she decides to make her move, announcing out of nowhere that the two of them have the PB&B to themselves -- no Bessie, no Bodie, no guests, no nada -- and she thinks they should take advantage of that. She's rewarded with an absent "mm hmm" from Pacey, but, undeterred, she moves in to kiss him; before she can get too close to his lips, though, Pacey asks if she's "thirsty." No, she's not. He tries to kiss on her on the cheek all dismissively, but she's not having it, sing-songing, "Try again," and attempting to canoodle with him. Pacey asks if she knows what he could go for right now, and Joey grins expectantly at him, only to hear: "A turkey sandwich. On rye bread. Want one?" Joey makes a tight-lipped face of barely disguised disappointment and says no thanks. Pacey shrugs brightly, "Okay," hops off the bed saying he'll "be right back," and heads for the kitchen. Joey stares sulkily after him.
Jen answers the phone at the Ryan Home. Jack's on the other end: "Hel-loooo there." She immediately starts defending herself for lying to Tobey, and tells Jack he "can't be mad" because he "completely orchestrated" her relationship with Henry, not to mention filling out her college applications. Jack says mildly that he's not mad. Jen, confused: "You're not?" Jack comments acidly that he's not; he's a bit surprised, mind you, that he "emphatically stated" that he didn't want to go to the prom with Tobey, only to have Tobey phone him and say that Jen told him everything and yes, he'd love to go to the prom with Jack. Yes, he got "slightly peeved." But then he remembered that Jen said she'd go to the prom anyway, regardless of whether Jack went with Tobey. Jen's like, "Yeah. So?" Jack makes her "promise and solemnly swear, no matter what." Jen's suspicious, but she swears, then asks Jack what he's talking about. Jack, looking at his wristwatch, says he's not talking about anything, but "why get mad, when you can get even?" Right on cue, the Ryan Home doorbell rings; Jen furrows her brow and opens the front door, and of course there's Drue "Richie" Valentine, announcing that Jack told him everything and yes, he'd love to go to the prom with Jen. Jen looks ill and shuts the door in his face as The Guitar Of Levity plays us into the commercial.
You know, these Gatorade ads would work a lot better if they didn't make the sweat different colors. Like, we get it. Really.
Infancy Inn. Dawson emerges, attired in a sharp black three-button suit with a black tie; it's actually a look that suits him much better than a traditional tuxedo (viz. his kit in "The Anti-Prom"). On the patio, Mitch "The Flash" Leery, holding a bundle of Lillian, and Gale "Go Kegels Go!" Leery await him, and Gale makes "our little boy's all grown up" noises, and The Flash makes "he looks like a man to me" noises, and I make puking noises. Gale takes a picture with Dawson and the baby. Oh, good move. Because babies wait to spit up until you've got an old sweatshirt on. Not. They wait to spit up for no man. Anyway, during the photo op, Gale keeps blathering about "I can't believe it's your senior prom" and "you look just like your father," and Dawson whispers to Lily to ignore them -- they might seem "a little strange sometimes, but they're actually very good parents." Lily gurgles. It's hard to tell, but I think she's saying, "Mommy, call my agent!" Enter Joey, wearing the lavender Delia's dress and a periwinkle wrap; she has her hair in a low ponytail, and she looks very nice. Gale coos that Joey looks "breathtaking" and herds her together with Dawson for a picture. The Flash disabuses Dawson of Lily, and Dawson compliments Joey; sounding surprised, she thanks him, and tells him he looks good too. Gale tells them to smile, and they do; they actually look sort of nice together, possibly for the first time ever. Lily starts fussing, possibly because newborns can't stomach that much treacle in their diets, and The Flashes get distracted, and Joey and Dawson both start to say something at the same time, and Joey tells Dawson to go ahead, so he says that when he looks back at everything that's happened "since last year's prom," he's "really glad [they] ended up here." Joey beams and says she's glad too. Dawson calls the two of them "so healthy it just makes me wanna puke." Snerk. Word. Joey agrees that "it is quite sickening, right?"
Okay, writers? I actually don't hate these two as friends. Dawson's still sort of icky about the whole What Went Down Last Spring thing, and Joey's still sort of gross about always thinking of him first, but they work well together as friends, and they have friendly moments together where I like them both, like in the Christmas episode when he gave her the picture and in the post-ski-trip episode where Dawson kicked Joey in the ass. So before you shove them back into a relationship again, you should think it over. Because you almost never let the kids just do the friend thing on this show, and when you do -- Jen and Joey, Jack and Dawson -- it works a lot better than all the heavy relationship angst.
Anyway, the moment is interrupted by the arrival of Clan Witter. Gretchen, decked out in the deep blue sparkly number from before, has her hair ironed; the dress is great, but the hair is not so great. Pacey is shoehorned into a tux, and scowling. Dawson compliments Gretchen, Gretchen compliments Dawson, and Dawson continues his strange trend of not totally sucking during the episode by courteously asking how she's doing with the not-getting-the-job thing: "Better?" "Much," she says. Gale wants a picture of "the ceremonial pinning of the corsage," and can I just say that I think it's high time corsages got the heave as a formalwear tradition? The boys don't know how to pin them, we girls don't want to wear them in the first place, and it's not 1910 anymore. Enough. Anyway, there's a long, deliberate, do-you-get-it-sure-absolutely-sure-you-get-it-okay-good pan down to the corsage in Pacey's hands, which is wilted and crusty. Pacey says he bought them yesterday; Gretchen sighs that he's supposed to have refrigerated them. Nobody told Pacey that. Well, the florist would have told him, because the florist would have dealt with generations of clueless boys, but anyway, everyone else makes "ah, whatever, no biggie" noises, and Dawson asks Gale if they can snag foliage from the garden instead. Gale calls that a great idea and heads off to gather flowers, and Dawson smiles, "Just tell me you didn't forget the limo." "Of course I didn't forget the limo," Pacey grumps, and Dawson's smile slumps a little as he makes a "what'd I say?" face. The Flash hands Lily to Joey to get a picture of all of them, but Pacey's walking away, and when Joey asks where he's going, he mutters sadly, "I'll be right back." Joey frowns. The frown deepens when Drue, looking quite natty in his tux, crosses the lawn and heartily wishes all of them a happy prom. Gretchen, Joey, and Dawson make "wah wah" faces as Drue -- who's got a corsage box the size of downtown Topeka under his arm -- expositions that he's there to meet his date, "the one and only Jen Lindley." Then he adds, "Oh, a baby! Can I hold it?" Everyone on the patio in unison: "No." Okay, that's a rip-off of Mark not letting Dr. Dave hold the Greenespawn on ERlast week, but still -- hee.
Kerr Smith, approaching the set of Tobey's house with great trepidation, because now he's going on a date with a guy on the show, so people will think he's a big old que -- oh, excuse me, I mean, "Jack, approaching the House of Tobey with great trepidation, because he really likes Tobey deep down, so he's all nervous." Jack stands at the front door, biting his lip, heaves about ten sighs, and knocks, but before he even finishes knocking, Tobey whips open the front door and -- wow. I mean, wow. Tobey's all tuxed out and hair gelled to the side and no glasses and smiling with about a hundred teeth and Tom Frost can find another wife right now because -- damn. Boy is fine, people. Jack just stares at him all, "Damn. Boy is fine." Tobey breezily says hi and tells Jack he looks good, and says they should get going because his parents aren't "too keen on this whole 'prom date with a boy' thing," and Kerr Smith laughs nervously all, "Gee, ME NEITHER" -- I mean, "Jack laughs nervously." Tobey goes on that you'd think Kerr would have "loosened up and gotten a clue by now" -- I mean, that his parents would have. Sorry, I keep doing that. Jack laughs nervously again and fixes Tobey with a flummoxed stare, and I hate Kerr Smith right now, but he's doing a pretty good job with the whole speechless-at-Tobey's-hotness thing. And I can relate. Tobey cocks an eyebrow: "You all right?" Jack gulps and nods. "Because -- we can't leave unless you stop blocking the door." Aw. Cute and funny, too. Jack finally unroots himself from the spot, Tobey closes the door behind him, and off they go, but not before we get a long shot of Jack checking Tobey out from behind.
Jen crosses the Infancy Inn's lawn wearing a strapless black number with a pink lining and a weird Sex & The City-vintage flower at the cleavage. Michelle Williams has a cute figure, but this isn't the right look for her. The hair is good, though -- sort of a Veronica Lake 'do pinned up on one side. Everyone greets her, compliments all around, Drue compliments her while giving her The Eye, and Jen looks sick again and excuses herself to go greet Tobey and Jack. Drue calls after her, "You're adorable when you're angry."
Jen stomps up to the boys and bitches at Jack. Jack cats back at her, then tells her not to "come crying to" him; she should have thought of the consequences before she shoved him into the arms of Tobey. Jen doesn't think the punishment fits the crime. Jack disagrees. Jen comments that her revenge on Jack's revenge "is imminent. So there." Heh. Tobey: "What're you guys talking about?" Jen and Jack, too quickly: "Nothing." Jack then assures Jen that she can hang out with him and Tobey for the night: "We'll help you avoid him." Good, Jen says, because she really plans on having fun tonight. Good, so does Jack. Good. Good. Jen excuses herself again. Tobey looks at Jack all "the hell?" and Jack makes a hilarious "duhhh I dunno" face, and they head for the patio.
Meanwhile, Jen ducks behind a tree. As The Ominous Guitar Of Jen's Downward Curlicue (tm romantical) plays, Jen digs a tiny bottle of booze out of her purse and swigs from it. Where would she have gotten alcohol? It's not like Grams hoards it, I don't think. I bought the mini-bar thing, but I don't buy this. ["Maybe she stole it from her dad when she was in New York?" -- Wing Chun]
At the edge of the Leery property, Pacey broods. Joey comes up behind him and asks him to put on her corsage; he does so, while telling her that the dress looks "fantastic" and you can't even tell where he ripped it. "It wasn't your fault," Joey says, trying to jolly him out of it. Pacey, solemnly: "Tonight's gonna be good. I promise." Joey, still trying to reassure him, coos, "I knoooww," and moves in to kiss him; he permits it this time, but Gale interrupts by calling out that the limo has arrived. Pacey smiles and leads Joey away, and everyone converges on the driveway at the sound of an engine backfiring. See where this is going? Yes, that's right -- the limo is a junked-out seventies station-wagon jalopy-looking contraption driven by a fat guy with a Hawaiian shirt on (subtle bit of costuming there). Everyone goggles at it, except Pacey, who looks like he might cry.
Pre-prom convenience-store run. Drue tries to get Gretchen to purchase alcohol for him, referring smarmily to her "advanced age," but she shoots him down neatly. Pan over to Tobey apologizing, "Okay, don't think I'm a total freak for what I'm about to do, but," and he grabs two packages of Sno-Balls and holds them up. "Dude, I love those," Jack says. Tobey pshaws, "Are you serious? Nobody loves these!" Jack does. Tobey asks if Jack knows "what this means," and Jack deflects that by saying it means they both enjoy "somewhat unpopular snack foods," but Tobey corrects him that they have more in common than Jack thinks, and whomps a Sno-Ball into Jack's chest before walking off. ["It works, since those are the gayest members of the Hostess™ Snack Cake family." -- Wing Chun]
Out in the limo, Jen offers Pacey a snort. He passes, saying he has to take a breathalyzer later. Jen giggles like he's joking, but he isn't; it's part of his agreement with Doug and his dad. Jen cracks that that means more for her: "I've only got ten left." Pacey asks if she's "drowning [her] sorrows" because she got lumped with Drue as her prom date, but Jen snorts that "Drue's…the least of [her] worries." Pacey sighs and says that he doesn't understand how the others "can be so happy and carefree," adding that he doesn't know what the future holds, but he knows it's "not what they expect it to." Jen thinks about that.
Inside the store, we do a slow pan to the end of an aisle, where Trojan and Kimono condoms both get a product placement. Dawson selects a Trojan one-pack, then bumps into Joey -- of course. Of course he does -- and drops the rubber on the floor, and she apologizes and bends down to retrieve it, and then they both look at it and share a moment of mortification. Cut to Jack telling them to hurry up so they don't miss the boat; Tobey is standing behind him with an entire Sno-Ball in his mouth. Hee hee! Tobey rules. More awkwardness.
The limo pulling up to the prom boat at sunset. The whole gang piles out of the limo in a big hurry and dashes up the gangplank, and we fade to commercial.
Ew…James Van Der Beek needs to shave. And to stop making his hair look like a bad weave.
Das Promboot. Shots of happy mingling up on the deck. Belowdecks, Dawson escorts Gretchen through the madding crowd; they come to a stop, Dawson looking self-satisfied, Gretchen looking like she's about to start hyperventilating. Dawson remarks that, not only is he there with "an older woman," but he's got the most beautiful date in the room. Gretchen calls his "charm…a perfect antidote for the complete wave of weirdness that just crashed over" her, and Dawson tries to chill her out by saying that nobody really notices anybody else "at these things" anyway: "They're all so caught up in their own melodramas." That doesn't make Gretchen feel any better. Dawson dryly suggests that, in that case, Gretchen can just tell people she's "chaperoning." Zing! Gretchen mock-glares at him and says she doesn't know whether to hit him or kiss him "for that comment." Well, I'd go with "hit him," but I guess Gretchen forgot to bring her cane with her, so she settles for kissing him. Just then, Jen stomps by with Drue in pursuit, then whirls around and says that if he keeps following her around, he's "gonna lose a testicle." No comment. Jen bitches at him and asks why he's "doing this," saying that he "can't possibly be enjoying [himself]," and Drue informs her that Jack offered him fifty bucks to pester Jen all night, and he plans on "getting paid in full." Jen starts to nod all beleaguered, but Drue swoops in for a kiss on the cheek and announces goofily, "I'm going to go get us some punch, honey!" Heh. Jen shudders.
At a table, Jack and Tobey bond. Jack is filling Tobey in on Ethan, calling him "so good-looking" and "like a Disney-character version of a human." Um. Okay. And now there's the vignette that I rewound about thirty times because it's so very brilliant. Tobey goes, "Tell me about it -- the first guy to break my heart? He looked just like Ted Danson." Bwa! Man, that's tough. Jack's face freezes all "whaaaat?" Tobey's face falls: "Is that funny?" Jack, trying not to laugh: "Ted Danson, huh?" Tobey objects that "he's a handsome man!" Hee! Jack's all mock-serious: "Yeah, yeah, what is he, like, fifty now?" Tobey laughs that he meant a young Ted Danson, and Jack makes finger guns and jokes, "Ohh-kay, Becker!" Snorf!
Elsewhere, Joey pulls Pacey along by the hand. He asks where she's taking him, and in response she plunks him down on a bench and starts smooching him. He asks through her lips, "What's that for, Jo?" She just got "caught up in the moment," she guesses. Pacey does some awkward throat-clearing; Joey, getting the hint, sits down beside him and says that now he can tell her what's going on. "A prom," he dodges. She's serious. Pacey claims that he "absolutely would tell" her if he had something bothering him, but, though he hates "to disappoint [her]," there's nothing. She stares him down: "Come on." Pacey laughs that he just told her "that everything's great, so what's the problem?" Joey rolls her eyes and responds that the "everything's great" is the problem -- ever since he came back from the fishing trip, "or whatever it was," he's "been walking around like the Stepford Boyfriend or something, talking about how everything's perfect." Pacey interrupts to say that "it's not me" -- meaning, presumably, the prom, although it's not clear -- but it's her time to have fun and be happy, so he's trying to be who she wants him to be. Joey, confused, sputters that she doesn't want him to be anything but himself, and in Joey's defense (for a change), I think that's the truth. But Pacey thinks she wants the perfect corsage, the perfect limo, the perfect prom, and the perfect boyfriend, and Joey objects again, saying that that's totally untrue -- she never said any such thing, and she didn't say word one about the limo or the corsage either, "because that stuff doesn't matter to [her]," and Pacey knows that. But instead of taking heart, Pacey gets more annoyed, grunting, "Well, then why don't you just tell me how you want me to act?" Oooh, that's a no-win question right there -- don't touch it, Joey. Pacey says he can't win with her -- if he acts happy, she gets angry, and if he acts unhappy, she gets angry. Again, I have to defend Joey here; she's acted bitchily to him, god knows, but not for the reason he's claiming here. Joey suggests angrily that he "stop acting and just talk to me," and I agree, but Pacey says in a hard, weary tone that maybe he doesn't have anything left to say. Joey's face half-melts into a "you have got to be kidding me" expression, and she makes her patented "uch" sound as Pacey gets up and walks away from her.
Sidebar time. I want to say it now so I don't have to keep saying it later. Dear "writers": Okay, so ostensibly Pacey is dumping Joey because she makes him feel like less of a man or whatever -- because she's too good for him, and they both know that. And it's among the laziest, most artistically bankrupt choices I've seen you make, and that's saying something. Pacey has a handful of perfectly valid reasons to break up with Joey, among them: she's not over her obsession with pleasing Dawson; she's moody, unreasonable, and passive-aggressive; she lies to Pacey, and about her relationship with Pacey. But she's never said, or implied, that she thinks she's better than Pacey because of her educational prospects, not that we've seen. Furthermore, we haven't seen these two have a conversation about his arrest, or the reasons behind it, or his academic standing, or her pregnancy scare and the stupid handling of same, or anything else that might have provided even the slightest bit of lead-up to Pacey deciding that he's going to make her hate him so that she'll dump him and feel good about it. Not. One. Thing. It's abrupt, it's stupid, it's a cheap payoff that you haven't come close to earning, and it's unfair to the Pacey character and to Joshua Jackson, who has to play the hack swill in your so-called "script" as though he believes it. I understand that you want to get Joey and Dawson back together; I think it's despicable pandering, but I could tolerate it if you'd ever shown even the faintest grasp of narrative structure. Well, here's a tip: It's called "a story arc." It's called "motivation." It's called "understanding the characters as written thus far." Read a book. Watch a movie. Look it up. Then look up "credibility," because you've got none. No love, Sars.
On a side deck, Jen is doing her drunk Titanic schtick, and Drue notes that she's drunk. Good catch, Drue. Drue gives her his tux jacket; he thinks she's "had enough of that," and suggests that she hand over the bottle. Jen does so, feigning contrition, and then fishes another bottle out of her purse. Gee, didn't see that coming. Not. Drue laughs, but tells her that if she's not more careful about her "public intoxication," she'll get caught. Jen snorts that he wants her to get caught, that he lives "for other people's misery," and she slithers up onto the railing. "Not yours," Drue murmurs, holding a hand out in case she falls. He draws closer to her: "Jen, seriously, what's the matter?" Jen slurs, "Drue, seriously, you don't care." Drue shakes it off: "Pretend I do. Why don't you tell me." Drue looks kind of cute in this scene, although his hair is doing a weird Richard Grieco thing that I don't like. Jen tells him she went to visit her dad a few weeks back; Drue frowns sympathetically. Jen wobbles that she wishes that she could "just jump in [the water] and disappear. That'd feel good," and she leans towards the water with her eyes closed; Drue thinks it's not "the best idea," and he tries to pull her down from the railing, but she tells him to go to hell. He tries again, and she snarls, "Back off," then starts giggling and says, "Gotcha," and Drue's all, "Yeah. Ha ha. Not."
Joey wanders the prom with a pinched face, searching the crowd for Pacey. At a table, Gretchen and Dawson chat, but Dawson's eyes follow Joey. Gretchen sees this and suggests that he go over to Joey. Dawson says they should both go, but Gretchen bites her lip and says she needs some fresh air. They smooch. Gretchen leaves. Dawson walks over and asks Joey, "Where's Pacey?" Joey doesn't know. Does she want to talk about it? No, she doesn't think so. Oh, and the whole mini-mart condom incident? She doesn't want to talk about that either. Heh. That's fine with Dawson. Joey thinks for a moment, then starts to ask, "How long have you guys been --" but Dawson hastily admits that they haven't, like, inappropriate! Subject change! Please! Thank you! Dawson goes on that they might that night, "for the first time." Change! The! Subject! Not appropriate! No such luck. Joey asks, "Are you in love with her?" Oh, Jesus. Dawson, after a short pause, says that he just knows it "feels right." Joey nods wistfully, then says more cheerfully that, if he's about to pass this milestone, she's glad it's with Gretchen. "If not you," Dawson chuckles -- yep, he just had to get that dig in -- and Joey starts to splutter something, but he tells her, "Don't worry, that wasn't a question," and they both laugh. Dawson sighs and kicks it promo-style: "You know, I think for the longest time I was just waiting to find somebody I loved as much as I loved you." But he realizes now that it's "not gonna happen," because Joey's his first love. Joey smiles at him and says that she doesn't think she'll ever love anyone the way she loved Dawson, either, "and that's a good and a bad thing." For the record, although the promos made this exchange seem like yet another ooky Joey-and-Dawson-can't-get-over-each-other moment, I think they both acknowledged here that it's a first love and they can't replicate that with anyone else. So I actually don't have a problem with it, because I think they both tell each other that they've moved on. Aaaaanyway, Dawson asks, "You wanna dance?" and Joey says emphatically, "It's our senior prom," and off they go.
On an upper deck, Pacey threads his glowering way through a crowd of kids to find his sister sipping a hard lemonade and staring out to sea. She offers him some; again, he passes, and asks what's wrong: "I know it has to be big if you're drinking that." Gretchen, glycerin staining her face, snarks that she's "at the prom, Pacey" -- she graduated four years ago, and she's "still here." She adds that that night, for the first time, she didn't just feel older than Dawson; she felt old, "too old to be here." Pacey clears his throat and grumbles, "You want pathetic?" Well, technically, he's still a junior: "I'm not even supposed to be here." Gretchen chuckles sadly at that and makes a limp crack about a sister too old and a brother too young, and Pacey remarks on the worst part of Das Promboot experience: "You're trapped." "Yup," Gretchen agrees grimly, swigging her drink. Then Pacey confesses that, since the trip with Doug, he's felt really angry, but not angry at himself -- "it's actually worse than that." Gretchen regards him with concern as he says that he's angry at Joey, but he doesn't know why, which makes him feel guilty, and the guiltier he feels, the angrier he gets, and he doesn't know where to go with it. Gretchen suggests that if he talked to Joey, he might start to "figure out a reason," but Pacey sighs that he doesn't know how to start talking. Gretchen muses that "that's the great thing about being trapped. You gotta try."
Inside, Jack laughs that he never knew "[Tobey was] so funny." Tobey laughs back that there's a lot about him Jack doesn't know. Jack, still laughing, nods that that's true. Tobey asks casually, "So, you wanna dance?" Naturally, Jack gets all huffy: "I thought we were having a good time." Tobey uh-duhs, "Right." Jack prisses something about ruining the fun, and Tobey snarks that he just asked Jack to dance, not to "have sex with [him] on the table" -- more's the pity -- but Jack says it doesn't matter, "strictly platonic," blah blah blah wimpcakes. Tobey gets his bitch on and says he doesn't "buy that," because nothing about tonight "has been platonic" -- not the laughing together, or the flirting, or the way Jack looked at Tobey when he came to pick him up. Jack tells him he's wrong, but Tobey says flatly, "No. I'm not. Look, I don't know what you're afraid of, but it's not me, and I suggest you figure it out, or risk losing a chance at something really good someday." Tobey storms off. Jack watches him go and makes an about-to-cry face.
Joey and Dawson, dancing and laughing and generally having a grand old time. Pacey pushes through the crowd. Another shot of Joey and Dawson yucking it up. Pacey gets a look on his face like "so that's how it is," and again, it's ridiculous -- if he hasn't gotten a bee in his bonnet about Joey and Dawson's friendship by now, I don't buy that seeing them dancing at the prom would do it. Anyway, Gretchen joins him and follows his gaze to Joey and Dawson. Shot of Joey laughing, then spotting Pacey and looking a little bit guilty. Shot of Gretchen looking like she's about to get pissed. Shot of Joey seeming annoyed at Pacey, then rolling her eyes and looking at him all "bring it on." Dawson looks over his shoulder at Pacey and Gretchen, unconcerned. We go to commercial as Pacey heaves a sigh and looks determined and pained. What. EVER.
Cram it, thetruth.com. Cigarettes alone get me through these damn recaps.
Okay, remember the "Black Hole Sun" video with the creepy eye animation that made the characters look like dolls? The Salon Selectives "see it, do it" ads bug me out for the same reason. Like, ew. Quit it.
Very long establishing shot of Das Promboot. Okay, we know it's the prom, and we know the prom's on a boat. You couldn't have used those eight seconds on a bit of believable back story? God. So Pacey prowls up to Joey, and Joey heads him off, assuring him that she and Dawson "were just dancing," and Pacey snarks that that's what it looked like to him, "just dancing." Joey snaps that this isn't "about Dawson" and he knows it, so why doesn't he just tell her what's going on? Pacey launches into a sarcastic tirade about how he saw the two of them dancing and it's the happiest he's seen Joey all night; shot of Joey and Dawson looking irritated and "please let a trapdoor open underneath me" respectively as Pacey goes on that it's the happiest he's seen her in weeks, and does she want to know what's even worse? Joey braces for impact as Pacey says, "I don't care. I saw the two of you dancing together, and I just don't care." Joey, stung, looks down. Pacey: "I'm not angry, I'm not jealous, I'm not upset, I'm really not much of anything." Joey moves to take it outside, but Pacey ups the volume a notch, asking, "Why, why -- because you wanna clean up my mess again? You wanted me to take off the happy mask, and the happy mask is off, so answer me this one question, because this is what I've been wanting to ask you, Jo -- why are you with me?" Joey, utterly at sea: "Pacey…?" Pacey, more angrily this time: "Why are you with me?" Dawson and Gretchen exchange a "dude, the hell?" look as Pacey goes on that he doesn't know why he's still with her -- he used to, but he doesn't anymore. Joey, also angry but on the verge of tears: "I'll make a note of that." But there's no stopping Pacey as he shouts that he feels like he's Joey's "little charity project," like he's the designated loser, the failure; Gretchen tries to break in, but he yells at her to back off, and Joey takes the opportunity to sputter that she never said that, and this isn't about her, it's about Pacey. As other couples stare at them, Pacey starts yelling in earnest, saying that it is about her -- it's about her, and about how she makes him feel: "I feel like I'm stupid and I'm worthless and I'm never right, but you know what I realized, that is NOT MY FAULT!" Seriously, he's screaming at her, and he's totally out of line. And while I don't disagree with the sentiment -- I can see how her constant princessing would make him feel small -- it's not coming from the right direction. Joey cringes away from him in tears as Pacey continues ranting, delivering a litany of the things he's supposedly done wrong, and Joey comes back in a yell that she already told him she doesn't care about that stuff, but Pacey howls, "But I WANT you to CARE!" ["Here's where he totally lost me. Like, either you want her to accept and love you the way you are -- which she apparently has -- or you don't care what she thinks of you at all, but it doesn't make sense to want to have it both ways. The path of his motivation, again, meanders all over and I can't make sense of it. It's lazy writing, is what it is." -- Wing Chun] Dawson looks around, then sets his jaw and glares at Pacey. Pacey bellows that he doesn't want her just to accept his fuck-ups "like that's the way it's supposed to be," and says that they aren't trapped on the boat -- the two of them are "trapped in this relationship!" He can't take it anymore, he says: "When I'm WITH you, I FEEL like I'm NOTHING!" He takes a breath and repeats, more quietly, "I feel like I'm nothing." Joey, slumped over, looks at him pleadingly as he explains that that's why he flinches when she touches him, and why he doesn't touch her, because when he starts to touch her, "it just reminds [him] that [he's] not good enough." Joey, hands on her hips, nods acidly and asks, "You done?" Pacey says that he's just getting started, but Joey ices him down: "Well, you can stop right now. You can go to hell." She walks past him. Dawson follows her. Great job -- with crap writing -- by Joshua Jackson and Katie Holmes.
Drue tries to keep Jen from pitching into the drink Abby-style. She pushes him away, and in doing so nearly falls in; he grabs her and yanks her back over the side, and she lands on top of him, then hauls herself up to the railing and speeyacks over it.
Elsewhere, Joey scuttles along the deck, a hand over her mouth; Dawson is a couple of steps behind, and he unbuttons his jacket and drapes it over her as she cries silently. After a moment, she wails that Pacey just said all that "in front of a room full of people," and it's not true: "It's not who I am." Dawson knows. Joey doesn't understand how he could do that. She slumps onto Dawson's shoulder. Dawson comforts her.
Drue tells Jen that she's "become a lightweight," and he'll have to get her back to New York and "toughen [her] up again." Jen sniffles that she doesn't want to go back to New York; she hates New York, and she's changed, and although she's pushed herself to go back to New York and face things, she doesn't really want to. She asks if Drue thinks she's "weak," but Drue says he thinks we should never go back when we can go forward, and in that respect she's strong. Then he teases her that she should "look into Boston," it's an "up-and-coming town," and he's going to be there, et cetera. "Strike one for Boston," Jen snuffles, and shoots Drue a look of thanks; he ducks away from it. Aw.
The Full Moon Of Ominously Unsubtle Portent. Tobey's in the stern, sulking. ["Funny, I thought he liked it in the stern. THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT!" -- Wing Chun] He's taken his bow tie off. Yum. We get a niiiice loooong lingering shot of Tobey as Jack comes through a door in the background, then wanders into the shot and asks what Tobey's doing. He's "contemplating swimming for shore." Jack says he doesn't blame Tobey for that, and apologizes for "earlier -- what [he] said. Or didn't say." Tobey, interest piqued, turns to look at Jack. Kerr Smith, knowing that he's going to have to kiss David Monahan, has a look of genuine dread on his face during the entire speech and totally fails to sell it, but anyway, Jack says he's having "so much more than platonic" feelings for Tobey, it took him by surprise, he's afraid, he's homophobic -- oops, I mean, "at first he felt put off by Tobey's outness," but tonight he really looked at Tobey, and he's funny and handsome and nice and out, and now it's something he admires most about Tobey, and he's not afraid anymore. Nice try, Kerr. Anyway, Tobey starts giving Jack The Look as Jack says that he's "so not afraid anymore," and Jack leans in, and they kiss for five-and-a-half seconds. Well, Tobey kisses; Jack just stands there like a dead fish and doesn't move his mouth at all. But hey, I'll take it. Anyway, they smile at each other, and Jack stammers, "How 'bout that dance?" Not shown: Kerr Smith diving off of Das Promboot, swimming to shore, racing sopping-wet into the nearest drugstore, and downing an entire bottle of Listerine while screaming, "EWWW, COOTIES!"
Dawson comes down to find Gretchen brooding at the sea some more. She asks how Joey's doing; Dawson says, "Not so good," and apologizes for bolting before. Gretchen says he doesn't need to explain. After a pause so the make-up lady can squirt more glycerin on her cheeks, Gretchen adds that "it doesn't matter anyway," because she knows what she has to do. Dawson frowns warily. Gretchen has to get on with her life -- go back to college, get her shit sorted -- and this is not her place, "not here. And not with [Dawson]." Dawson starts to get it as Gretchen goes on that he's "still chasing after Joey, literally and metaphorically," and Dawson interrupts to point out that Gretchen told him "to go to" Joey and that he thought she understood about their friendship, but Gretchen isn't hearing it. She does understand, but watching him follow Joey "just made everything more clear." Dawson rolls his eyes. Gretchen tells him that he and Joey have a lot to resolve, and as much as he thinks he's "beyond the drama of high school, and the prom…you're part of it." That's as it should be, she says, because he's a senior in high school -- but she's not. Dawson protests that that doesn't mean it "has to be over," that he's not ready for that. Gretchen says it's "an impossible situation," and Dawson flails that he's "good at impossible situations -- just look at the way my neck holds up this giant head, defying the very laws of physics!" Okay, not so much that last part. Gretchen says that she's not, and she's sorry; she kisses him one last time and walks away, and Dawson watches her go and then looks out over the water all "what just happened there?"
Fade to Joey, sitting alone at a table. Pacey approaches, and she wipes her face and looks as far in the opposite direction from him as possible. He takes a seat and, after what seems like a week of fidgeting, tells her that, last year, he felt he could give Joey something that nobody else could. Joey pinches her lips together, heroically struggling not to sob, as Pacey talks about the wall and the summer they spent sailing and "that night in the ski lodge," and at the mention of the ski trip, Joey flinches. Pacey doesn't feel he has anything left to give her now: "I guess I'm…spent." Joey is crying openly now, and as she sniffs, Pacey says that he's "become a man who hates himself so much" that he can't stand to look at himself in the mirror, and being with Joey makes it worse, because the more she loves him "in spite of that," the angrier he feels towards her and the more he stops loving her back. I see what he's saying -- if she expects him to fail and doesn't demand better of him, she thinks he can't do better, and he resents the condescension -- but I don't think that's true of Joey, and I don't think we've seen any reason for Pacey to think that of her in the first place. Anyway. Joey asks how long he's felt this way. He doesn't know. Yeah, right, "writers." Pacey knows that his "failures" and "shortcomings" have nothing to do with Joey, but if they stay together, he'll keep taking them out on Joey. Joey makes a good point: "I've got news for you, Pacey -- how you treat me is actually totally in your power." Pacey doesn't acknowledge it, though, going into his we're-two-very-different-people-with-two-very-different-futures harangue, like, they both come from tough family backgrounds and don't have much money, and they both live in Capeside -- what more does he want? Jesus! He preaches to her that she's all about getting out of Capeside "because [she] thought [she] deserved better," and he is Capeside, and it just won't work. Joey breaks in that Boston and Capeside "are less than an hour apart," but he comes back by saying that they're "more than a world apart, and you know it," and she does deserve better -- better than Capeside, and better than him. Joey sneers bitterly, "You break my heart into a thousand pieces and you say it's because I deserve better?" Faced with the stupidity of the argument, Pacey's got nothing. Joey shows him the hand: "Just…leave me alone." Pacey sighs, "Okay," gets up, buttons his jacket, and disappears down a nearby staircase. Again, good acting by both.
The moon.
The limo. Jen is passed out on Drue's chest. Jack waves the fifty bucks at Drue, but Drue shakes his head no. Jack makes "sure?" face; Drue shakes his head again. Tobey's all "guh?" Gretchen stares out the window, not unhappily. Focus push to Dawson shooting her a look that could kill, then turning to stare miserably at his hands. Pan around Dawson, then another focus push to Pacey, staring glumly at nothing and looking angry and despairing at the same time. The Piano Of Broken Dreams plays its sad melody. In the front seat, the driver asks, "You kids wanna go to that after-party?" Focus pull to Joey sitting beside him, her face a dry mask of desolation; she snaps out of it and slowly shakes her head. We fade out on her face as she folds her lips and breathes quickly, trying not to cry anymore.
week: more break-up angst as the gang prepares to graduate.